and it feels like I'm drowning, pulling against the stream

and it feels like I'm drowning, pulling against the stream by sassy featuring Polo Ralph Lauren

I unlocked the door of Lila's apartment as I pushed it open then closed it before walking straight to her bedroom. To my great surprise, she was sleeping, her body motionless on the bed and god, she really looked like an angel. I laid down after taking my shoes and jeans off, not losing any time and kissing her silky skin,  down her arm, across her shoulder blades, her neck.
"Mmm..." She arched into my touch as my hands wrapped around her stomach.
"You're wearing clothes..." I muttered against her skin as I pulled her closer.
"You weren't home to take them off before I went to bed." She breathed and moaned as I cupped her breasts through her flimsy tank.
"That's a lame excuse." I said as my erection pressed against her backside. That was the effect she had on me, always.
"What time is it?"

"Around midnight."

She turned in my arms. "How did you get into my place?" She asked, looking oddly confused.

"You left your spare key at my place." I gave her a look and she blinked.

"I did?"

"You didn't do that on purpose?" I questioned, some things were better to be known.

She shook her head. "No it also has the keys to the gallery I'm showing at this weekend. Thank god you found them."

I laughed. "You're lucky to have me." I said before cupping her face and kissing her.

She moaned against my mouth as she turned her body, her arms wrapping around my neck. "I am." She whispered, breaking the kiss and giving me a sleepy smile. There she was my adorable girl. My girlfriend. Sometimes I stopped and thought about, it was hard to wrap my head around it because last time I had had a girlfriend it had been long ago, it hadn't ended well either. Still I was there, wanting to be with her at the end of my day. "Hey." She broke the silence I hadn't realized hah fallen, "What are you thinking about?" She asked softly, her fingers tracing my jawline and a smile curving her lips.

I smiled back at her, keeping my thoughts to myself this time, "Nothing. What did you do tonight?" I asked back as I tangled one hand in her hair when she nuzzled my neck, her tiny body a perfect fit against mine.

"I watched a movie and fell asleep." She paused to place a kiss behind my ear, "What about you? I didn't expect you to come over..."

"I went out with Jax and some friends." I answered simply as I relaxed completely, a feeling I had only when I was completely comfortable with someone. I took it as a good sign, no matter if it clashed with other less positive thoughts. "I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"Don't silly, I like it better when we sleep together." She confessed in a small voice and even if I couldn't see her face? I was positive she was blushing. At the same time her words sent me on alert, they sounded as if she was getting used to it, to me, and I knew I still needed my spaces instead.

I took in a deep breath before exhaling, my chest expanding against hers and only making her grip tighter at my body, almost clinging to me. "Having withdrawals already? You've been in San Francisco two days only." I teased her as my hands slid under her tank, my finger tips brushing against her back and causing a shiver to run through her.

"I like it better because I usually get laid, not because I'm pining over you." Lila teased, reaching over and biting my shoulder as I shook my head.

"Lies."

She pouted her usual fake and adorable pout that made me want to devour her lips always. "I'm not getting laid? Bummer."

I laughed and pulled her closer, my hands on her skin as I acted as innocent as I could. "Maybe if you're good."

She shook her head and pressed kisses against my neck. "I want to be bad instead." She whipsered. "You make me want to be a very bad girl."

I groaned and tangled my hands in her hair to pull her back, because no matter of how much I tried she always did her best to make me want to just fuck her for hours and nothing else. But then again if I did, it wouldn't be a real relationship. "Lila." I growled, making her bite her lip and give me an innocent look that I could never buy.

"How's Jax?" She asked instead, changing the topic completely. That was something I didn't like, when she teased me first then killed the mood.

"Didn't you see him this morning on your run?" I asked though I wasn't that interested in the matter. He was my brother, I already knew enough about him.

She nodded. "Yeah, but he was weird."

I laughed at that, "He is always. You're just noticing it?"

She shook her head. "No I mean he seemed....distracted. He didn't even hit on me." I rose a brow and she shrugged. "He always hits on me."

"Are you telling me so I'll get jealous and kick his ass?" I asked, watching her as she laughed against my chest.

"No silly, I'm just saying he didn't seem like himself, I was hoping maybe he was just in a funk."

"Maybe he finally got his period this month." I laughed at my own joke and she rolled her eyes, but chuckled too.

"You'd think I'd have synched up with him after all the time we're spending together." She added, making me laugh out loud again.

"Damn it Lil you kill me." I shook my head.

"Nah, I stopped wanting to kill you after I found out how big your dick was....it would be a waste."

I smirked wide, squeezing her body against mine as I shot her a cocky look, "You never wanted to kill me." I pointed out, amusement in my voice.

"Maybe." She licked her lips and tangled her legs with mine before nuzzling my neck again as she basically purred.

"So is that what you really like about me? My huge d.ick?" I asked and she pulled her head back to shoot me a look, "Your words not mine."

"Yeah because you're so modest." She chuckled, "But to answer your question, yes." She added and broke into a fit of giggles out of nowhere, her good mood a contagious one.

"Thank god, because what I really like about you is your tight p.ussy." I said back, meaning it even though there was so much more than that of course. It had started with sex and now it was a whole other thing.

She stared at me as her lips curved upwards, "Such sweet words."

"Always." I smirked and set my head on the pillow, closing my eyes and enjoying the moment. It was rare for me to do that, unless I was alone in my own bed, I guessed I wasn't used to being in a couple anymore.

"Hey." She broke the silence and poked my side, "No sleeping! You woke me and now I'm wide awake!"

I opened my eyes again, pushing her hair off her forehead, "And what do you want to do instead?" I asked even though I could easily guess the answer.

"I want to watch a movie." She answered instead, "And I want you to cuddle me. Then you can f.uck me to sleep."

At that I laughed again, I was pretty sure that there was no girl in the world like Lila. "It sounds like a good plan."

"I love when you laugh." She beamed at me, giving me that dreamy face that always got my chest a little tighter. My hope was that no matter what would happen between us, I'd never take that away from her. She was amazing and I didn't want her to change, ever.

"You love me period." I winked at her, getting up from the bed and reaching for her body as I picked her up. Carrying her in my arms, I took her to her small living room while she didn't miss the chance to cuddle in my hold. "I'm starting to think that I spoil you too much."

"That's because you love me too." Lila kissed me, her words sounding like a punch in the the stomach when I set her down and she rummaged through the movies, picking about five of them before handing them over to me. "You pick." She grinned.

I looked at her for a minute. I wasn't in love with her, but I loved her so I smiled eventually. "Okay." I took the movies and then looked back at her. "These are all terrible." I laughed.

"I know it." She smirked at me. "I'm hoping we make out for most of it."

"Who needs a movie for that?" I tossed them aside and grabbed her waist, hauling her underneath me before kissing her shoulders, her neck, biting and sucking.

"Mmmm....you should be in the movies." She moaned and I pulled my head back grinning.

"Doing what?" I caught her lower lip between my teeth and tugged before letting her speak.

"Me." She grinned even wider.

"Naughty." I nodded eagerly.

"I have lots of naughty ideas, you'll have to keep me around to hear them all." She wrapped her legs around my waist and arched into me. Good god.

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours." I said in a low deep voice, my eyes looking down at her with lust and admiration.

"I already told you one. That would make it your turn." She reminded, pressing her lips against my throat as she continued dry humping me.

"You want a video of me fuc.king you Lil?" I grinned, pinning her hips down to tease her further. "What would you do with it."

She shrugged. "Sell it online." She laughed.

"I'd make millions." I grinned back at her as I slowly lowered myself against her, my dick almost having his its life when it adjusted between her legs again.

"I would too." She moaned softly and tossed her head back, making it clear what she was in no mood for anything but my d.ick. Not that I'd ever complain, only sometimes I wondered if there was really more than sex between us, since lately it was all about sex. Again, I could consider myself a damn lucky man, but then why bothering calling her my girlfriend? I cared about her, I genuinely did, still there was something off I couldn't put my finger on. Maybe she wasn't in love with me either but simply in affectionate lust, since I had come back from New York I was having the feeling that we were taking steps backward instead of forward. If I stopped thinking about it, it clashed with my other opposite thought and drove me crazy, so I usually just fucked her senseless and turned my brain off.

I brushed the tip of my nose up the side of her neck, making her shiver as I inhaled her sweet scent, "As someone who works with money, and tons of it, I say it'd be a good marketing operation." I said against her skin as I nibbled at the spot behind her ear. "It'd have downsides though."

"Like what?" She asked in a breathy voice, her hands running down my chest and her nails scraping in their way. She was on fire.

"Like." I paused as I ground my hips against hers and groaned, "I'd have a line of women out of my door hungry for me, which would be good if I wasn't already in a relationship."

I noticed her eyes focus on my face, as if for a moment she was thinking straight again and was out of our lust induced fog. "But they'd be no eleven's." She said in a small voice and frowned a little, kicking me out of balance once again. Her words were simple, easy to get, but the look on her face said a lot more. One moment she acted like she couldn't wait to let me f.uck her, litterally couldn't wait a second, and the next moment she was giving me that sweet look that screamed love. Yet all we had done lately was nothing but fuck like rabbitts. It was confusing.

"Good point." I said simply and captured her lips in a raw kiss as my hands moved down her stomach then all the way back up, this time from under her tank, to cup her perfect breasts.

"Trav...." Lila moaned, just like I knew she would.

"I can't stop touching you...." I groaned, feeling a little conflicted. If only I could turn my brain off.

She smirked. "Its not a bad thing." She replied, arching into my touch.

"What if I just want to talk?" I asked cautiously, not sure what to do myself and not able to shake that weird feeling off.

She blinked and then smiled sweetly at me. "You can talk while you touch me Trav."

"What do you mean?" I asked because maybe she was just trying to trick me into talking dirty. Which would be perfectly fine too. She was turning me into a pussy...I hoped not.

She reached up and kissed my jaw softly, then my lips, closing her eyes and staying pressed against them a little. "I don't think there are any rules against touching and talking." She replied, tangling her fingers in my hair. "I'll touch you too."

"You looked impatient before." I commented, biting my tongue before I could say that she was so fucking confusing at times. I liked confusing just as much as I liked complicated. I hate them both.

She laughed. "Yes, well something about you turns my libido up as high as it can go, but I assure you I can do more than fu.ck you senseless." I grinned this time, rolling my thumb over her nipple and pulling a soft moan from her throat. "Even when you do that."

I moved my hands to her waist, just under her breasts, still slowly seducing her just to take time. Maybe she was right after all, we could do both. "A woman of many talents." I grinned and reached down to kiss her again but something was off.

"Yes." She agreed.

"How was San Fransisco?" I tried with that, since it was an easy topic.

She cuddled into me further, shivering as I started moving my thumbs against the lower part of her breast, fighting against myself because slow wasn't something I usually did. I liked it fast, hard, crazy...Karlie had been my last slow one.

"Lovely." She smiled though that answer didn't tell me much. It was weird how introverted she was despite being so outgoing too. "I feel exhausted though. I've never painted so much in my life."

"I can tell." I grinned. "Your fingertips still have blue and yellow on them."

She pulled my hands away from me to look and laugh. "Occupational hazzard." She teased, rocking into me and feeling me hard against her.

That was enough to make me lose my already barely there patience and not just because my d.ick was this close to start aching, but also my brain was sick of dealing with opposite thoughts. It was unnerving. "God Lila I can't keep this up." I groaned and shut my eyes tight, my jaw setting.

"What?" I heard her say, her voice confused, and a second later her fingertips were brushing against my jaw, "What happened Trav?"

I took a deep breath, feeling trapped, like I couldn't breath, an umpleasant feeling I had felt before but only once with Lila, when I had seen her at my parents. I wanted to ignore it, I wanted to fight it too, only now it was too overwhelming. I opened my eyes and stared down at the most gorgeous woman I had ever met, and it wasn't only her beautiful face or her perfect body, she was beautiful as a person too. Did I want to lose that? No. I was too stubborn to let it go, facts had proven that already. Maybe it was my fault, I was taking this all too seriously. She was young, never been in love before, I had to start living this relationship more easily. Which meant, no more thinking too much. "Nothing." I smirked at her, shaking my head. "Only this is not working for me. If you keep teasing like that, there's no way I can talk and say something with a sense too."

Her raised one eyebrow slowly, smirking herself. "Like how?" She asked and faked an innocent face.

"Like this." I answered before rocking my hips against her and groaning just when she moaned. "I'm so hard for you."

"I feel that." She wrapped her legs tightly around my hips, "It's good to know that you can't do two things at the same time though." She added and this time she was teasing me with her words.

"I can talk and touch you." I paused as I lowered myself on top of her, every inch of my body against hers, "But I can't think." I said, my hands grasping at her hips as she arched into me once again, "I can think and touch you, but I can't talk." I went on, moving my mouth down the middle of her chest to press a kiss between her breasts, "I'm just a man." I whispered against her skin, at this point seriously frustrated and deciding to get over it with, pushing her tank up to take it off of her tiny body. When she was naked, even half naked...ugh. That was the case where I could do nothing at all except for her. "I can never win." I muttered before pushing her breasts together and burying my face between them, loving that she smelt as sweet as she tasted.

"You're sending me mixed signals Trav...." Lila trailed off.

"I need to fuck you." I growled, leaning down and biting on her neck. And that was when she smirked and I blinked down at her. She really had the worst timing sometimes. "You're about to laugh or something."

She shook her head. "No I'm thinking about all the things I like about you." She said, reaching up and kissing me. "Let's get something to eat."

"What?" I blinked. she had to be kidding me, or I was discovering a side of her I didn't like at all. On the contrary, it was pretty annoying.

"There's a 24 hour iHop a few blocks away." Travis

"Now you're confusing me." I admitted.

She sat up, pulling her shirt back on. "I want to talk. Just talk." She paused and looked all weird. "Also I want pancakes." She added.

I got up in a sitting position too, running my hands through my hair as I set my elbows on my knees. "No." I said eventually, trying to digest the whole situation but I knew it was happening. I was getting more than annoyed, almost mad.

She blinked at me, looking surprised. "No?" She echoed my small word, giving me a confused look.

"No Lila, it doesn't work like this." I started as I turned my head to look into her eyes, a hard look on my face. What did she think? That I was a teen who still loved to fool around and waste time? I was a man, a grown up man, there were only as many switch of mood I could take. "You can't want to f.uck me, then want to watch a movie, then f.uck me again, then talk, then fuck me and then eat. What the f.uck Lila? Make up your mind."

Her green eyes widened, making me feel somehow a little guilty, then again it was always better to say thing straight, just as they are. "Are you mad at me? I don't understand..." She trailed off, looking so young and vulnerable, almost scared too. I hoped she wasn't scared of me.

I sighed, then inhaled deeply as I rubbed my hands over my face. "Look Lil, I came here because I really wanted to see you."

"Are you regretting it?" She cut me off, sounding almost anxious somehow and I gave her a look. I didn't like being interrupted when I talked.

"No, of course not. If you wanted to only stay in bed and sleep? I wouldn't have complained, if you wanted to f.uck I wouldn't either, but you can't change your mind one million times in 30 minutes. It drives me crazy and I don't have a switch to control my body." I paused and I glanced at my still very noticeable erection, "And now how do you think we can go anywhere public when I'm still so f.ucking hard?"

She pursed her lips together, boring her eyes into mine as she thought hard. I hoped she'd say what was going on in that pretty brain of hers. "I'm sorry. It's just..." She trailed off and I was sure she was holding back now. "Are you going to leave?"

I shook my head as I got up, heading to the kitchen. I was in no mood for f.ucking anymore, it would have been just a way to let out my frustration and she deserved more. "You wanted pancakes right? I'm making some." I said quietly, waiting for her reaction.

"Okay." Lila nodded as she ran her hands through her hair and shut her eyes, looking as if she was about to panic. That didn't make any sense to me, yet it gave me a feeling of unease.

"Lil?" I stepped closer to her again, reaching out to cup her face in my hands.

"Hi." She opened her eyes and said softly. "You know how to make pancakes?" She whispered.

I chuckled, appreciating the effort she was making to make the mood light again, but not liking how she was closing off. "What are you not saying?"

She swallowed and took a deep breath. "I don't know how to be a girlfriend Trav, much less a good one. I've also never wanted to fuck someone literally all day every day, and I don't know how to compartmentalize that with my desire to know everything about you too. It's driving me nuts."

"All day every day huh?" I smirked, taking the easy road.

She pushed me. "You are not helping!"

I laughed. "I don't think you're a bad girlfriend." I replied, wincing a little at the term because it sounded stupid coming out of my mouth. I was okay with the role Lil had in my life now, just didn't like the word.

"Okay." She said back and I felt like she was building a wall between us, one I couldn't break alone. I couldn't force her to talk unfortunately, I wished she did though.

"Baby..." I trailed off, not sure about what to say.

"Will you teach me? How to make pancakes I mean?"

I stared at her for a few seconds, debating on what would be better and decided to give her a break eventually. She'd open again when she'd want to. "Of course I will, but only because I'm selfish." I winked at her as I offered a smile, part of me pleased that I was giving her my best part again. I reached for her hand to make sure she'd follow me into the kitchen, noticing her questioning espression. "If I teach you, you can make them for me anytime I want."

At that she chuckled, looking like my Lila all over again. She looked tired too, but still really gorgeous and cute. In other words, my fave. "Such a tricky man." She commented quietly and I saw her lips curve upwards in a small smile.

"Watch carefully because I'm not going to do all this twice." I grinned at her as I freed my hand from her, looking around and thinking about where to start. The fridge seemed a good idea. "I need a pan and a bowl." I instructed while taking one egg, some butter and milk out of the fridge, "Flour too." I added.

She nodded as she got me what I asked for, acting like a good soldier before flashing me a smirk, "Did anyone tell you you're good at giving orders?" She bit down on her lip, leaning her hip against the kitchen counter as she stared at me.

"No, that's a first." I joked along with her, wanting us to be always like this, like we had been from the start. I broke the eff in the bowl, added a cup of flour and one of milk before glancing at her as I mixed the ingredients, "Do you think I should make a work out of that?"

She laughed this time, "That'd be a smart idea. You'd make a lot of money." She said as she kept my eyes on me, studying me while I set the pan on the stove and letting some butter melt before I poured enough batter to make three pancakes. That was a good start. "How come you know how to make pancakes?" She asked when the silence fell.

"There was a time, a short one, when I was a kid and those a.ssholes of my brothers wouldn't let me play with them because I was too little." I started explaining while I flipped the pancakes. "Plate please." I said and she took one from the cupboard, waiting for me to go on, "So my mom one day decided to make me feel better by teaching me how to make pancakes, so that I would have been able to do something my brothers couldn't do. And I loved them anyway, so that was a plus."

"It sounds like you were a cutie." She commented and beamed at me, her body finally relaxing. I could see that, I knew her body perfectly.

"It didn't last long." I winked at her as I slid the first three pancakes from the pan to the plate, before pouring more batter and starting all over again. Now that I thought about it, I was pretty hungry too.

She eyed the pancakes, her eyes shadowing again. "Did you...I mean, did you usually make them for other girls too?" She asked and I could tell how conflicted she was while she spoke. I didn't know where this side of Lila was coming from, but it was a change I didn't like.

I let go of the pan, knowing I had a minute of two, and reached for her face once again to stare into her eyes. "No. I never did this before. I'm with you because I want to be with you, so please Lil stop whatever you're thinking about. I don't want you to be the perfect girlfriend, I don't give a s.hit about labels and roles, I just want you like you've always been with me. You don't even have to try, be you and it will be more than enough." I said seriously, it costing me but knowing it was much needed.

"Okay." She nodded, running her hands through her hair and looking more confused than before if possible.

"Lila." I said her name softly, not needing to say more.

She looked up into my eyes and took a deep breath. "What?"

I stared at her as I adjusted myself to see that side of her I didn't even know she had before flipping the pancakes, the other side a perfect golden color. "You're all in your head." I said to the pan instead of her.

"I have too many thoughts, I wouldn't know how to say them all." She admitted, shrugging.

"Try." It was a single word, but the way I said it said it all, frustration mixed with desperation.

"I don't know how to be how I've always been with you Travis. When we first got together it was just for sex. I honestly have no idea what made you want more then."

I rose a brow at her because if I remembered that correctly she had been the one pushing for more. I had gone along with it because I didn't want to lose her. "What made you want more?" I asked slowly.

"Um....everything? We have a connection, a really strong sexual one, but I know it's more than that.....it's just I don't know how else to express it. This is who I am Trav....I'm no good at being serious, and I'm not a very open touchy feely person and most of the time I'd rather fuck than talk. I thought you knew that about me...I thought you LIKED that about me."

I processed her words, wondering how she couldn't see how she was changing now. Of course we were a lot about sex, but since fromt he beginning we had always been more too. We laughed a lot, we talked a lot too, more than now anyway. "Eat your pancakes." I said instead as I grabbed some syrup from her cupboard and doused both of ours. For a few moments we ate in silence as I guessed that she had a filter after all, only I hadn't noticed before.

"They're delicious." She said softly.

"Thanks." I replied quietly, not willing to talk anymore at this point because it wasn't working. Maybe she just needed time to open up again, and I'd give her that. "Did you watch me closely?"

"Yes I did." She nodded her head before taking another bite, looking still nervous.

I set my free hand on her thigh and squeezed it, our bodies comunicating better than our mouths. "Next time you'll make them in my kitchen." I said, both because I loved a woman who could cook and because I wanted her to get into the idea of a future with me, no matter if it wasn't a far one. It costed me so much snd still I couldn't help it, the first thing I wanted to do whenever she looked so fragile was to protect her and give her what she needed, no matter if it clashed with my own needs. That was usually what happened at the beginning of...something more. I didn't even want to think about it, but I sensed it, I was on that way.

She licked the extra syrup from the corner of her mouth, looking at me, "Why not here? I don't know your kitchen."

"Don't worry, I'll introduce it to you." I smirked at her as I did my best to make the mood lighter, "And because I have nutella."

"Yum." She said and smiled a little, but she was still kind of quiet.

"If you'll make good pancakes I'll lick nutella off your navel." I winked at her, joking but also meaning it. Extrasweetness in one lick.

At that she smiled more genuinely and blushed, "You know how to convince me..." She trailed off.

"I'm a tricky man." I smiled wider, swallowing the last bite of my pancake before leaning into her and kissing her lips, soft and quick. "Are you coming to the game tomorrow?"

She shrugged, taking the empty plates and setting them into the sink, "If you want." She answered criptically.

"Of course I do." I said back. Since I had been back she had never come, for a reason or another, and if she came now it'd mean a lot in so many ways.

"Then I'll be there." Lila smiled turning around and leaning against the sink.

"I want you there every time." I said under my breath.

She licked her lips before she spoke. "I feel like I'm afraid to smother you Trav, I want you to have your own life..."

"If you're ever smothering me? I'll let you know." I said seriously.

She sighed. "Deal." She reached for my shirt and pulled me closer to kiss her. I wrapped my arms around her body and held her close as my lips moved over hers until I broke the kiss. "Thanks for dealing with my brand of crazy." She whispered.

I laughed lightly, the vibrations in my chest moving against her. "You're far from crazy Lil." I kissed the top of her head and she smiled.

"I'd hate to see what crazy was then." She admitted, wincing.

"You would." I agreed, swallowing thickly.

She wrapped her arms around my waist and set her head against my chest. "You're good to me." She said softly. "Good for me."

"I hope so." I picked her up and walked over to the couch where I settled her against my body.

"Tell me about your night out with Jax this week."

"I don't think there's much to tell." I answered quietly as I leaned my head back against the couch, feeling emotionally exhausted.

She poked my side in a playful way, peeking up at me as she set her cheek against my chest, "I doubt it. You two are always up to something without even realizing it."

"Sure." I chuckled at her words and how silly they were. Of course my brother and I knew how to have fun and never got bored, planning was rarely involved though. "We went to our usual bar to get a beer, then we went to that new club where some friends were waiting for us." I explained eventually.

"Tell me more. I know nothing about your friends or your night out..." She trailed off.

I ran my hand up her back then all the way down again, caressing her was something that relaxed me and I was tempted to close my eyes and just sleep instead of talk. "They're just normal guys. Like me or Jax, we all grew up together." I said quietly, my breathing getting steady and deep.

"No girls?" She asked.

"Yes girls." I answered and left it at that. "Being all guys can get boring."

"Got it." She nodded against her chest, not adding a word which I took as she was happy with my answers. "Hey, don't fall asleep on me." She added softly.

I looked down at her and smiled, "Techincally, you're on me instead."

She smiled back at me as she pressed a soft kiss on my lips, keeping her eyes on mine. "Let's go to bed Trav. I'm sleepy too."

"Good idea cutie." I said and got up, holding her against me as I carried her to her bedroom, "You better let me sleep in tomorrow morning."