will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul by sassy

I woke up from my dream slowly, my mind going back to a foggy consciousness while I rolled over onto my back and stretched my arm, expecting to find Jake's hard and warm body. Nothing instead. I had no idea of what time it was or where he could be, what I knew was that it was Sunday and he always slept in on Sundays. I could try to convince myself that it was just a coincidence, that it was nothing, but the more I thought about it the more I got sure that not having him with me right now had a lot to do with him denying my proposal a few days back. I decided not to think anymore as I forced myself to keep my eyes closed to ignore everything, but just when I was drifting back into my sleep a pair of soft lips kissed my forehead.
“Morning gorgeous.” Jake's warm voice woke me up again, spreading a nice feeling in my chest.
My eyes fluttered open and I sat up, looking at the tray of breakfast he was holding and smirking. Coffee, pancakes, flowers and Jake? That was something I didn't see delivered to my bed all together often. “Is it my birthday?” I asked groggily, running my hands over my eyes and pushing back my hair. I immediately felt relieved, he was with me and it was all that mattered. Also, he was being the perfect boyfriend he always was.
“Does it have to be a birthday for me to spoil you?”
I shrugged, thinking that maybe we were okay and I was just being overdramatic. “It does if you don’t want me to get used to it.” I grinned, running the pad of my finger over the flower petals softly. “Violet’s are pretty.”
He nodded. “Yes.” He agreed, keeping his eyes on me. “And get used to it all you want.”

I looked back at him and it hit me. There was a reason why he was treating me like this. I set my hand on his cheek, smiling a forced smile since I knew what he was up to. I really appreciated that he was trying, but in a way it reminded me that there was something to fix when I just wanted to forget everything instead. “You’re amazing Jakey.” I whispered, leaning over and pressing a kiss against his lips and meaning it. “I love pancakes.” I smiled more genuinely, taking my fork and digging in right away. 
“Do you? I'm so glad I had no idea.” He teased.
I swallowed, keeping my lips pursed together but managing to smirk a little as I looked at his gorgeous face. "Yeah right, you know nothing about me." I joked with me before stabbing another piece of soft heaven.
"Or everything." He smirked back at me as he watched me closely, his hand dropping on my knee to squeeze it softly.
"Definitely everything." I glanced up at him, my heart skipping a beat when I noticed the adoring look into his eyes. A life together, a two decades long friendship and an ten month old relationship and I still couldn't get over how amazing and gorgeous he was, inside and out. Weird how I knew that he loved me completely and unconditionally but at the same time I was terrified he could change his mind and leave me...it was who I was now, insecure and a living contradiction. He just nodded and didn't say anything, his smirk turning into a smile. "Did you have breakfast baby?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"I had a coffee." He answered in a quiet tone, looking lost in a thought as he ran his hand up and down my leg while I wished I could read his mind. I was pretty good at that usually, but since the starbucks accident I had stopped trying just like I had stopped asking, too scared about what he could be thinking.
"That's not breakfast." I frowned and stuck the fork into the pancakes before bringing a piece to his mouth, smiling to him. "We can share."
He didn't argue and opened his mouth to accept the food, managing to smile in the process before chewing, "Pretty good, uh?" He asked as a smug expression crossed his face.
I leaned over him, kissing the corner of his mouth where some extra syrup was, "Delicious. You're perfect in one million ways Jakey." I whispered before pulling my head back again, meaning every single word. There were no doubts about that, men like him existed in fairy tales only, and one on earth too, I had been incredibly lucky to find it.
"You're perfect." He said back in a honest voice.
It took everything in me not to argue about that, I was the opposite of perfect. Sure my body could be perfect but the rest? I was a mess, and Jake was a saint to handle me. It wasn't wise to start that conversation now anyway, so I just ignored him and focused on my coffee instead.
When silence fell between us, heavy and unpleasant, he lifted his hand to push my hair behind my ear, his gentle touch a drug to me, both the poison and the cure of everything that was tormenting me. "What do you want to do today?" He asked eventually.
I stuffed his mouth with the last bite of my breakfast before giving him my answer, "Nothing..." I trailed off, not wanting to go out or really anything. We usually went out on Sundays since it was the only day we were both free, I dragged him out even when the weather sucked, but today? I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to stay with him in our apartment.
“Okay….so nothing as in really nothing? Or nothing as in I do nothing and you get mad later for doing nothing. Or….” Jake winced. “Even worse! Nothing meaning you want to deep clean the apartment…..”
My face turned into a slow smile. Was he crazy? I literally meant nothing and me doing the things he was saying had happened once already this year so we were safe it wouldn't happen again anytime soon. “You’re being silly!”
He shook his head. “It would only be silly if all those things had not happened except for actually doing nothing!!” He protested, looking like frustrated and a little nuts too.
“I mean actually nothing baby.” I replied, setting my hand on his hard chest and smiling before taking my spoon to the grapefruit on my tray but instead of scooping out a bite I squirted the front half of my body and squealed.
He smirked and leaned in, pressing his lips against the grapefruit juice right above my breasts. “I couldn’t have planned that better myself.” He smirked, pulling back and grinning wickedly back at me.
My face wrinkled even though I was still smiling. “Maybe you did plan it you sneak.” I replied grabbing more grapefruit in my spoon and then catapulting it at him.
He made a face of mock shock. “You’re going to get the sheets all dirty.” He chastened.
I shrugged. “We’ll wash them then.”
He groaned. “You do want to clean today.” He said looking frustrated again.
I sit up straighter as I looked at him, my eyebrow rising slowly, "Because you know how much I love cleaning, right?"
He shrugged and ran his hand through his hair, "Sometimes you go all crazy and start blabbing about how dirty the apartment is, or untidy, then you run around like a mad woman until everything is just like you want it to be."
I laughed a little, the description of myself accurate but that was something that happened twice a year maybe. "I am only if I know that your parents are coming over." I retorted as I shook my head, "And that's not the case."
"But-" He started and I cut him off, placing my hand on his mouth as I stared at him.
"Also you're the one who usually take care of this place, you're a good housewife." I smirked. Thank god for him being far from the average guy.
He grinned against my palm, his eyes expressive and with a vaguely amused look into them. "You should learn from me." He muttered against my hand.
I let his mouth free and sighed dramatically, throwing my hands in the hair, "See? YOU are the one who wants to clean." I said before we both broke into a laugh. I watched him closely, my heart filling with love and adoration as his laughter echoed in my ears, I loved seeing him like that.
He took the tray from my legs and set it on the bedside table, "No one wants to clean then." He said softly as he scooped closer to me, his arm going around my shoulders to pull me against his hard body.
I adjusted against him, my head setting on his chest as I listened to his heart beating. "No one." I repeated his words.
Silence filled the room for a few second, a peaceful one, as he played with my hair. "We're okay...right?" He asked quietly, voicing my thoughts.
"Sure baby." I answered in a whisper, letting my hand run up and down his side as I closed my eyes. I didn't know if we were really okay, but I knew we were trying, also I was too scared to say differently.
“That doesn’t really convince me.” Jake admitted, his face pained as he winced and looked at the foot of the bed.
“Jake….” I trailed off, not wanting to go through that conversation again.
“I'm so sorry.” He said, looking up at me.
I sighed and straddled his body, setting my hands on his shoulders. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything. I love you.”
“And see I know that! I know every time I look at you that you love me, every day you prove it to me. But it’s not enough for you. I must be doing something wrong if you don’t see the same things when you look at me.” He said it seriously, as if that thought had been one bugging him for quite a long time.
“That’s not true at all.” I shook my head, feeling confused. How many times did I have to tell him that there was nothing wrong with him? That it wasn't him, but me? I didn't want him to blame himself for things that he didn't do, things that were only in his head.
He shrugged. “I just don’t know what more I can do.” He said seriously. “I’ll try harder though. Every day I’ll try harder.”
“Jake you’re perfect….” I cupped his face. “You are.”
He batted my hands away, grabbing my waist and tossing me back in the center of the bed so he could stand up and pace. What the hell? “No I'm not!!!! I'm not perfect Vi, stop putting me on a fucking pedestal! I put my work first, I'm possessive, I'm anal, I'm admittedly a flirt which we’ve already gone over, I'm not perfect. And I know that you’re not either but I think we’re perfect for each other anyways so what do we have to do to get you over this?!”
I blinked my eyes at him, taking a few seconds to process his words. And his reaction. "Jake I swear I'm this close to slap your face." I said as I narrowed my eyes on him. He was acting like a crazy person, so it was time for me to take him back to his normal status or to act crazier to make him stop anyway.
"Uh?" He muttered unintelligently, stopping in his tracks and looking at me with a confused expression on his face. Also, he looked adorable. "What are you talking about?"
"First of all, I'm on top of you, trying to console you or I don't know, and what do you do? You push me away." I raised one eyebrow as I sat up straighter and I crossed my legs indian style. I saw him smirk at my words and raised my hand, cutting him off before he could talk. "I'm not done."
"Go on." He shrugged, staring at me.
"I have a question for you." I announced, taking time since my brain needed to put my words in the best possible way so that I could be right and he'd stop being unreasonable.
He cocked one eyebrow, his expression a mix of frustration and amusement which made no sense. "Oh can I talk now?" He asked in a sarcastic tone, but my glare was enough to make him stop, "Okay."
"Let's say I wake up one morning and you're at work already." I paused, giving him a look to be sure he was paying attention. He nodded, good boy. "I don't feel good, my head is spinning and I get sick-"
"Are you pregnant?" He cut me off, widening his eyes.
"God Jake, no!" I snorted, getting frustrated but forcing myself to calm down as I ran my hands through my hair. "If in that situation I called you, would you come back to me?"
"Of course I would." He answered quickly, not even thinking about it as he shrugged.
I smiled at the love of my life, "See? You don't put your work first, or at least not with me." I said quietly, hoping that he'd stop finding all those flaws because to me he was really perfect. "I can live with you being possessive and anal, one is cute and the other is silly, the only thing I have a problem with is you being a flirt with every girl you meet but I guess I'll have to learn to live with that too." I added, the thought alone made me see red.
Jacob reached down and cupped my face. “It’s not even flirting to me….it just is to you….I don’t want anyone else.”
I shrugged, even though I disagreed with that. It was flirting period, only I didn't want to fight. “But you’re so handsome Jakey….” I trailed off. “You could have anyone.”
He grinned and pushed my hair back, leaning in to kiss my forehead. “You could have anyone too….look at you.”
I sighed, he had to know that my insecurity had nothing to do with my looks. “Only until they realized how crazy I am.” I gave him a face and he shook his head.
“First of all? Guys love crazy women. The crazier the better.” He smirked and I blushed a little because I knew what he was talking about. Naughty bear. “Secondly? You’re so fucking hot it wouldn’t matter if you were the craziest girl on earth.”
“Being pretty isn’t everything.” I said softly, though I was still smiling since he was trying to boost my ego.
“True. You could have any guy you wanted baby.” He started again. “But no one will ever love you as much as I do. Never.”
“Oh Jakey…..” I beamed at him, his words going straight to my heart.
He shrugged. “You’ve been my best friend all my life baby. And now you let me do whatever I want to you so I'm basically the luckiest man on earth.” He added, smirking back at me.
I bit my lip. “Whatever you want? I'm such a good girlfriend.”
He chuckled. “I do return the favor. And apparently I'm pretty good looking so….” He trailed off, looking more relaxed again.
"You're super good looking." I smiled at him, reaching for his shirt and pulling him closer to me so that I could look into his eyes as I lifted myself on my knees, "Like, the most handsome man on earth."
"Is that why you want to be with me forever?" He asked quietly, his lips curving into a breathtaking smile. The thing with him was that he was too perfect, no matter what he said, and I didn't say that just because I was crazy in love with him, but everyone could see that. If only he could see that too.
I nodded, letting him cup my face and tilt it up in his direction, while I took some time to answer. Did I want to bring the wedding again? Yes. Was it wise? No. "I have one million reasons." I said seriously, not letting go of his shirt but giving it a tug instead.
"Are you going to tell me?" He asked in a low sweet tone that almost sounded like a whisper, bending over me to press a soft kiss against my lips.
"Wouldn't it take too long?" I smirked a little, wanting at least one day of peace. I knew that this wasn't enough to get over everything had happened between us, there would be other days when the memory of him saying no would pain me, or when I'd be crazy and freak out about not having a ring on my finger, but for now I just wanted to forget about it.
He faked a pout, making that cute puppy face that always made me melt, "But now I'm curious."
I kissed his lips once again quickly, "Let's make a deal." I smiled at him while he raised one eyebrow, "I'll tell you one reason a day, so that I'll be sure that you'll be with me for at least one million days."
He broke into a huge smile, reaching for my hands and forcing me to get up to pull me against him, "Do you know how many years they are?"
I shrugged, having no clue about it, "Probably barely enough." I grinned a little as I wrapped my arms tight around his neck, never wanting to let him go.
“Are you sure you want to do nothing today?” Jake asked, kissing my nose and then pulling my body into his lap.
“Not nothing….” I trailed off. Was that even possible? Maybe if you stared at a wall...but it didn't sound fun.
He grinned. “Let me guess…..clean.” He teased and I pushed him back onto the bed and nodded.
“You guessed right. Spring cleaning it is…..maybe I’ll get a maid outfit.” I joked even though I really needed to do that. Not the maid outfit part of course.
He raised a brow at me and a smile tugged at his lips. “That would make things interesting….” He admitted, his eyes going darker for a moment and I was sure that he was traveling with his fantasy already.
“It would make things messy all over again instead.” I replied setting my hands on his chest and looking down at him.
“I'm still not seeing a problem….” He trailed off, sitting back up and wrapping his arms around my waist. “Do you want to go to the pool?” He asked.
“Maybe….” I trailed off.
“It’s pretty hot, we could cool down, I’d grab a bottle of wine and you could wear that little black bikini?”
I bit my lip. “Is it live in Jakey’s dream day?” I asked me tilting my head to the side and letting my hair curtain over my shoulders.
“You don’t want to see me in a swimsuit?” He asked, mock offended before sighing. “Fine. I’ll just go pout in the living room and watch ESPN since you want to do nothing.”
I raised one eyebrow at him, trying to keep a straight face, "And what would it be different from any other sunday?"
His mouth dropped open, "What I never do that!" He protested, then changed his mind, "Maybe once a month. Top."
I stared at him for a few seconds before breaking into a huge grin, amused to no end, "You should see your face right now." I chuckled.
"Oh you were making fun of me, uh?" He smirked back at me.
"Ops?" I shrugged and let my smirk match his, only his was a lot more gorgeous.
"You're not sorry." He shook his head before tickling my side, making me squeal and giggle like a silly girl, "Such a bad girl."
I wriggled in his hold, running out of breath already, "Jakey!!!" I protested.
He stopped as he picked me up effortlessly, his strong arms holding me as he got up, "You deserved that."
I kept grinning, wrapping both my arms and my legs tightly around his hard body, "What can I do to make up for it?" I whispered against his lips before kissing them.
"Black bikini. Now." He said seriously and set me back down on my feet before spanking my ass.
I massaged my cheek, biting down on my lip as I started for my room aka our closet, "Your wish is my command handsome bear."