bmm; when you never see the light its hard to know which one of us is caving

bmm; when you never see the light its hard to know which one of us is caving by ssaarah 

“Beat you again!” I smirked as I turned around, running in place as I watched Ben catch up to me.

“What did you do drink 4 coffee’s before running?” he asked, looking a little out of breath I laughed.

“You’re just mad that I'm faster than you.” I said, running in circles around him. He narrowed his gaze.

“I let you win, now stop doing that, you’re making me dizzy.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me into him where I made a face.

“Eww you’re all sweaty.” I pouted and he handed me a waterbottle.

“So are you.” He grinned. We walked slowly now, heading to the place where we’d get breakfast after our morning run. Something our dad used to do with us and we’d kept up because we were going to run anyways. Might as well make it a brother sister get together.

“Woo! I'm starving.” I admitted, looking across the way towards the café that served good food that was also model approved so I didn’t feel bad eating after my workout.

“Chloe?” A strong male voice boomed out and I looked up and felt ice literally fill my body.

“Sam?” the name caught in my throat as I felt his strong arms wrap around me and I felt frozen.

*flashback*

“I didn’t even do anything!!!” I screamed back at him, annoyed that he was here, annoyed that he was so pissed off and he wasn’t even drunk. Yet.

“Shut up!” Shove. I felt my back hit the chair and I lost my balance, falling to the ground in front of him.

“Don’t you EVER talk to another man like that again!” Kick. My stomach felt tight and I fought the urge to throw up right on the spot. What was happening? It had been bad before, it had been physical even…but not this… “You” another kick to the stomach and this time I dry heaved, lucky I hadn’t eaten anything today. “Stupid!” he pulled my up by my shirt so I was kneeling in front of him, the rage in his eyes indescribable, nothing like the man who told me he loved me. “Bitch!” slap. Right across the face as I fell back again and my head hit the granite of the counter behind me. Then more kicking, not that I could feel it anymore, more yelling, but it was all jumbled….then…nothing.

“present day*

“Damn baby you look amazing! What has it been? 5 years?” I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I felt like I was going to throw up. All I could hear was his yelling at me, all I could feel was his foot hitting my stomach over and over. “What are you speechless?” he smirked and I swallowed thickly, determined not to be such a pus.sy. For god’s sake Ben was standing right next to me. I had to be strong.

“Yes. What….” I swallowed again and choked out the words. “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you….It was the biggest mistake of my life letting you go….” He pulled me into his arms again and I knew I was going to be sick. “I'm so glad I found you.” He whispered into my ear, making my whole body go ice cold before he pulled away. “I'm Sam Shaw.” He said turning to my brother as I tried not to let out the tears threatening to take over my face. I needed to get out of here, I needed to be away, to be in a cold shower and wash the feel, the smell of him off of my skin.  I watched blankly as Ben shook his hand, giving him a usual cold glare.

"Your name doesn't ring a bell." he said flatly, never one to be impressed with any of the men I’d been with.

“I was trying to be polite." Sam said eventually.

"I'm Benjamin Lindsell." My paused, staring at him to give him time to process his words before he could explain it myself, "Chloe's brother." Sam’s jaw tensed and I swallowed, moving back a step as his hands balled into fists but then he just stuck them in his pockets.

"I've heard about you." Ben raised one eyebrow and glanced at me, looking for an explanation, but I wasn’t even sure I could speak right now….I was trying to get up the courage to walk away but it was taking a lot out of me.

"How come?"

"I was her boyfriend." And then he was looking at me, his eyes boring into mine. "I wish I still was." I didn’t even know I had reached out for Ben until he flexed against me. Walk away. Get out of there. GO! I was screaming in my head.  

“It's been nice seeing you, but we're in a hurry so yeah." I forced out hurriedly.

"Can I call you? Do you always have the same number?" He asked, taking a step towards me and making me jump. I wanted to scream how DARE he talk to me again after what he did?! Ben seemed to sense my discomfort and glared at Sam.

"We really have to go." he said coldly, not giving him time to say something back and walking away instead, almost dragging me to the other side of the street, looking down at me with worry. "Chloe?"

“What?” I snapped at him, so upset with myself. I had put this behind me, I had moved on, moved out and gotten over it so why did I still feel like I might break down at any second?

“What’s wrong?” his eyes were glazed over with actual concern, not the usual semi-annoyance that generally coated my brother’s face when he had run into one of my guys. “Why did he say he was your boyfriend?” he asked, his brow raised.

“He was.” I said simply, walking straight towards the café and trying to think of nothing.

“You don’t have boyfriends.” I turned to him.

“You don’t know everything about me Benjamin. “ I snapped again and he blinked, looking speechless for a second. I don’t think I’d ever used his full name before.

“Apparently.” He said under his breath, usually by now he’d get annoyed with me and change subjects. But this time he didn’t say anything. And that’s when I had silence to focus on what just happened. Sam was here. In my city. I could see him again. Which meant he could see me again. Which meant he could hurt me again.

“Chloe!” Ben stood in front of me with wide-eyed concern and forced me to stop. “You’re crying.” I blinked. I hadn’t realized the tears silently falling down my face. I hardly ever cried. I found the act useless. It only made things worse to feel bad about them. But right now? All I wanted to do was cuddle up into my bed and cry for the rest of the week.

“I'm sorry.” I whispered, so much more meaning inside of it than just the sorry for having him witness my weakness in public. I was sorry I was crying, I was sorry I was weak, and I was sorry I was one of those stupid statistics that let their boyfriend beat them up. I hated that about myself. I hated him for it sure, but I think I hated me more. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have stayed and let him almost kill me. I shouldn’t have been so stupid.

“Chlo….” Ben pulled me into his arms and pressed a kiss against my forehead. “What is going on?” he whispered as I silently sobbed into his shirt, not caring much that he was sweaty and gross anymore.

“I want to go home.” I whispered feeling him pull me towards the street and hail a cab.

“I’ll take you home Chlo but you got to tell me whats up….you’re scaring me.” I shook my head as I sat in the back seat. Ben pulled me into him again, always knowing when to actually comfort…I guess that came with being a father.

“Trust me. You don’t want to know.” Ben squeezed me a little, looking down and giving me a soft smile, looking a little lost and I didn’t blame him, I'm sure he’d never seen me act like this. I felt like I was going crazy.

"Trust me, I do want to know." He said quietly. I shook my head again, sliding my arm around Ben’s waist as I hid against his chest like I’d do as a little girl when we’d watch a scary movie. But this wasn’t fake. It was very real and the fear was much more intense.

"No Ben no." I breathed out, stubborn like I always was.

"Please Chlo, you're making me worry." I felt him press a kiss against the top of my head and run his hand up and down my arm softly.  "It can't be that bad, right?" I pulled my head back to look at him, holding my breath.

"It is instead." I felt myself explode into another sob, tears streaming down my face…..god I was pathetic.

"You need to tell me. I can't help you if I don't know what this is about."

"If I tell you you'll get mad."

"Oh baby I won't. I promise I won't, I just want to help you here okay?" h was trying to reassure me, but I knew my brother. I knew better. I took a few deep breaths, pulling away from him when the cab stopped and I glanced out the window.

"This is your home, not mine." I pointed out weakly.

"You don't think I'd leave you alone right?" he raised one eyebrow at her, paying the driver in the process before opening the door and dragging me out again as I practically bit through my bottom lip, letting Ben lead me into his apartment. "Do you want to take a shower first?" he asked in a gentle voice, guessing that maybe she needed more time before telling me. She was going to tell me. My eyes shot up in his direction, widening a little as I thought of something,

"You don't have Gabe today right?" Ben shook his head and I breathed out a relief. I was supposed to be a role model for him, he couldn’t see me this pathetic weak girl I was after just SEEING a boy who hurt me.

“Thank god." I added under my breath and walked to Ben’s couch, slumping down and bringing my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms around them as I felt Ben’s eyes on me. He finally joined me on the couch, pushing my hair off my face and drying my tears with his thumb,

"I'm listening, if you want…”

“Ben…” I whispered, shaking my head and looking at the ground. “I fucked up.” He lifted my chin with his finger and shook his head.

“You know I'm not good at patience baby girl, you have to work with me here.” He whispered, the pain in his eyes evident. I swallowed.

“I went to New York for my last year of high school.” He nodded.

“Yes I know, I visited you.”

“I met Sam about a month after I moved there.” I felt like I was going to choke and I blinked at my brother. “I need some water.” He nodded and went into the kitchen and walked back as I thought what I really needed was vodka. I drank it fast and he set his arm around my shoulder.

“Chloe. What happened?” he looked pained, but it was nothing like what he was going to be. I shook my head, running my fingers though my hair and sighing.

“He told me he loved me and I believed him. I believed him because I was 17 and that’s what you do when a man tells you he loves you. You believe him.” Ben’s hand rolled into a fist and I pulled away from him, standing up and pacing. “He loved me and so I loved him back because he was gorgeous and older and nothing like any guy who’d ever paid interest in me before.”

“How much older.” Ben asked through his teeth and I shot him a glare. “I'm not mad at you Chlo…” he said holding his hands up in defense.

“He was 23 when I met him.”

“He had no fucking business telling a 17 year old that he loved her.” He said shaking his head. “he had no business-“

“He had no business beating the shit out of me!!!!” I yelled back at him. Ben blinked. “He had no business telling me that he cared about me and that he’d protect me and then smacking me whenever I wasn’t perfect.” I was sobbing now but I couldn’t stop. “He had no business taking me from my friends, keeping me away from my family, taking my virginity, my heart….and then turning around and kicking me until….until I passed out.”

“Chloe.” Bens eyes were wide and he swallowed. “How….” He shook his head. “You…”

“I left him. He went too far that night and I flew back home until the bruises were gone and my ribs had healed and I hid in my apartment and drank myself to sleep every night.” I swallowed. “I'm awful. I know. Only an awful girl would live with that and not leave sooner.” Ben set his elbows on his knees and ran his hands thought his hair, staring at the floor. The only thing I could hear was my breathing, which I couldn’t stop since if not I was afraid I wouldn’t breathe at all.

"Chloe." he started, looking back up at me and noticing that I had started to hold my breath. Fuck, he reached out his hand and pulled me into him. "Don't ever say that again." he started while I sat back next to him, "You're not awful-"

"You always say that I am." I pointed out and I was. I knew that.

"I don't mean it, ever, you're a good person baby girl and I'm so sorry that this happened to you." Ben paused to swallow, pushing my hair off my face, "I wish I could take all your pain away, I'd bear it for you if I could."

"I...I didn't know why I believed him Ben. I hate myself for believing him and for letting him do that to me..." I trailed off before sobbing all over again.  I felt relived and yet the tears couldn’t stop. Ben pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me and letting me cry.

"Why didn't you tell me Chloe? I would've done anything...anything to help you. I would've taken care of you, you didn't have to be alone."

"I was ashamed of myself." I admitted, hearing my voice muffled against the fabric of his shirt.

“How could you keep this all for yourself all this time and let it kill you? See why I'm always worried about you? Because I don't want anything bad to happen to you and now it's too late and I swear to god I'm going to kill that a.sshole!!!" I pulled back suddenly,

"Don't scream Ben, please, don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad Chlo, not at you. I just..." he trailed off before hugging me tightly. “Who knew?” I swallowed and pulled back, shaking my head slowly.

“No one.” I said simply. “Except whoever was at the hospital.” Ben slammed his fist hard against the table, making me jump.

“I'm sorry….” He said looking like it was taking a lot to keep his temper in check. I was impressed so far, I had expected so much worse. “You were in the hospital?” I swallowed.

“I had a broken rib, stomach bruises and a concussion.” I said breathing slowly as I spoke. Ben stood up and started pacing.

“I was RIGHT next to him!!” he said shaking his head and making me wonder what exactly he was thinking. “Why didn’t you go to the police Chloe?!” I shook my head.

“And what end up on every tabloid as a victim!? I barely had the guts to go to the doctor!!!! Pressing charges in the US isn’t private, everyone would have known….”

“Fuck.” he shook his head, his face was getting redder as we spoke and I swallowed.

“I lost it Ben. You remember….” Ben looked up, the anger on his face masked over with pain.

“That’s when you started the partying….the guys, the drugs.” I nodded.

“I wanted to forget, and being high or drunk off my ass made me forget…..the guys? Well I figure I gave it up to a guy like him I might as well give it to anyone who wanted it.” I didn’t add that I still pretty much thought that.

“Chloe…..” Ben looked like he didn’t even know where to begin saying his thoughts.

“You saved my life Ben. You didn’t even know but you saved me. When you told me I couldn’t see Gabe unless I got my life together I realized that there were more important things then forgetting about a guy who hurt me. That family was more important.” I ran my hands through my hair. “You protected me without even knowing about it.”

"I could've done so much more Chlo..." he said as he sat down next to me again. I reached for his hand and squeezed it, forcing a small smile,

"You made me feel loved. And made of me an aunt, you gave me something positive to focus on...it was what I needed." Ben cocked his head to the side, looking at me as I saw him let my words soak in.

"But you're not over it." He said carefully. I wasn’t.

"I..." I trailed off, glancing away before looking back at him, "I'm fine." Ben took a deep breath.

"From what I saw earlier? You're not." he paused as I winced, remembering how weak I’d been….how pathetic at just the sight of Sam. "And it's okay baby girl, you went through something really bad and now-"

"He's here again." I finished, my chest tightening. "I don't know if I'm strong enough." I knew I wasn’t in fact.

"You are, more than you know Chlo. Look at what you faced all alone." he said seriously as he cupped my cheek, staring into my eyes. "Plus, now you're with me and you have nothing to be scared about." I threw myself into my brothers arms, so happy to have let the burden on my chest go, happy to have him here, not mad, not upset at me.

"I'm so glad I told you, I feel a little relieved." I admitted.

"You're staying here today and tonight too." He ordered. "We have to figure out what to do with that a.sshole."

“You don’t have to do anything.” I shook my head and Ben glared, though I could feel it wasn’t at me.

“Are you kidding me right now?” he asked, looking at me like I was some sort of crazy person.

“Its different now….He has to know I left for a reason, plus my family is close here, hell I'm a semi-celebrity…..he’s not going to hurt me now.” I said it with authority but even as I did I could feel myself not believing it.

“You said he broke your rib Chloe.” Ben said, his face getting red just as the words came out of his mouth. He was doing so good I didn’t want him to flip out.

“That was years ago.” But I could hear in my voice that just thinking about it brought me back to that night.

“God if I’d known a few hours ago.” He shook his head and I stood up to look him closer in the eye.

“Ben you can’t do anything stupid, you have a Gabe what if you were to get into trouble?” Ben shook his head.

“I have a pretty good lawyer Chlo, not that I’d get into any trouble anyways.” He shook his head. “I'm so sorry….I’m so sorry this happened to you.” He shook his head and pulled me into him again, letting me rest my head on his chest. “You didn’t even tell Cami?” he asked, feeling pained that I went through it by myself. I shook my head.

“She would have told you.” And she would have. “But it’s past Ben and you know now…I feel like a million weights are lifted off my chest.” And then a thought hit me. “Oh god Ben please don’t tell mom and dad.” Ben shook his head.

“Dad could do something about it….” I shook my head again. “Please! It would kill them, it would kill them to know they weren’t there to protect me, they’ll make me go see some crazy psychoanalyst. I don’t want them to know please….” Ben shook his head.

“I don’t think it’s a good thing to keep it in anymore….but I’ll let you tell them whenever you’re ready.” I nodded.

“I'm sorry I never told you.” Ben sighed.

“It must have been a big burden to hold….” I nodded.

“But I'm a big girl, I’ll get over it.” Ben winced.

“You don’t get over something like that….how could you? God you were tiny at 17….how could anyone hurt something so small?” I rose a brow at him.

“Are you saying I'm fat now?!” Ben looked at me and then started laughing, at the sound of his laugh I broke into chuckles too and Ben shook his head.

“There’s my sister.” He said, kissing my forehead, “Come on let’s get you some food fatty.” I stuck my tongue out at him. We might not always get along….siblings never did. But I was lucky because my brother? He was also one of my best friends.