Hey oh, never let go of me. Hold tight, it’s gonna get hard to breathe. Never never let you drown, even if we’re going down.

Hey oh, never let go of me. Hold tight, it’s gonna get hard to breathe. Never never let you drown, even if we’re going down. by nadiaa featuring a high heel bootie

I looked all around the packed smoky bar as I tried to tell myself to relax. It had been days since I left Ames and every time he called it broke my heart a little bit more. I was a coward… afraid to hear what he was going to say to me the morning after. Two big scenarios ran through my head; one, he would tell me that it had been an amazing night that he would remember for the rest of his life and hoped we could still be friends or two, he never wanted it to end…  I was hoping for the latter, but was afraid I was going to hear the former.

He had left voicemails and I couldn't even bear to listen. I was such a fucking coward. No wonder I couldn't keep a guy for the life of me…

I headed to the bar, "What can I get you?" The bartender asked me.

I shrugged and sat down, "Just a vodka and cranberry with a splash of lime." I told him looking around. This wasn't the usual club I went to. It was off the beaten path and I knew I wouldn't run into anybody I knew… That's what I wanted; to disappear.

It was some dive bar where greasy hipsters would go to and I felt completely out of place now. There was even a band playing. I sighed, wondering what the hell I was doing here anyways. I just needed to go home open a pint of ice cream and mope.

I paid the bartender for his trouble and headed back towards the exit before I heard a loud voice come over the intercom, "Hey you pretty lady! Where are you going? We've barely started our set!" I heard an extremely familiar British accent that I knew I had heard from somewhere, "Turn around and show me that beautiful smile."

I sighed and turned around about to flip the guy off when I spotted Callum Black, an ex I had dated when I had spent a few months in London… He was a womanizer, a pig and cheated on me. Yet I still thought I 'loved him.' It wasn't my worst relationship though and I do remember the sex being wild…

"Well sh.it, are my eyes deceiving me? Is that the gorgeous Milena Schon?" He grinned at as he leaned into the mic. He was covered in sweat and I could see he acquired a few new tattoos.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest, "It's amazing that I continued to live after I broke up with you." I smirked at him.

"God, I miss that back talk." He winked as he continued singing whatever song they were playing before. Suddenly I had the sudden urge to go sit down and listen, and then catch up with him and that's what I was doing. I sat back down and listened to the rest of the set.

"This is the last place I thought I would find you." He walked up to me as the bartender had a beer.

"I really wanted to meet a sleaze so I wondered where to find a guy like you." I gave him a smirk.

"You haven't changed at all." He told me sitting down next to me.

"I could say the same about you… Except I'd be wrong. You've gotten worse." I told him, the smart part of my brain telling me that all of this was a bad idea. What was wrong with me that I attracted all the guys with emotional issues or the ones that treated me like trash?

"And you're still a spitfire… I did love that about you." He said, pushing the hair out of my face.

"Do you think that's going to get me now?" I raised a brow, "Especially since I remember how much of a piece of sh.it you were." I told him, taking the drink off the counter and downing it.

"And you can still drink the way you did before…" He grinned at me.

I let out a breath, "I'm better now."

He could see his adam's apple bob as he swallowed and leaned back, "I think I like this Milena…." He trailed off with a fire in his eyes.

I could feel the warmth spreading through my body as the alcohol took over and I could feel my inhibitions being lowered… All I was thinking about was Callum and I f.ucking… I swallowed, "Well I don't give a f.uck what you like."

"Let me guess. You got dumped and are now looking for rebound sex?" He smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "What makes you think I was the one dumped?"

He leaned forward and looked into my eyes, "Because Mila, you fall hard and you usually don't give up on relationships…"

"I dumped you." I pointed out, getting sick to my stomach.

"After you found me cheating on you in our bed…" He trailed off, lighting a cigarette, "Although I'm pretty sure you knew before then…"

"Shut up…" I breathed out, downing another drink.

"Who was it this time?" He asked.

I shrugged, "Just a guy… I left without an explanation and have been ignoring him since."

"Running scared?" He questioned me.

"Maybe…" I trailed off, grabbing the next drink the bartender gave me. I started losing count…

Callum leaned in and whispered, "I can make you forget all about him…"

I swallowed, "How?" I looked at him as he leaned in and kissed me on the lips. All I wanted to do was forget about Ames, but he clouded all my thoughts.

"Let's go to my place…" I said against his lips.

----

"Ames!!" I screamed out as I came against Callum before I realized what had actually come out of my mouth. Oh, my god, this was absolutely mortifying. Never once had I called out another guys name while having sex… What the f.uck was wrong with me?! I thought mentally.

Callum stopped thrusting as raised a brow, "Ames?"

"Get off me." I told him pushing him off of me before he could object.

"Who the hell is Ames?" He asked, pulling my blanket up around his waist as I walked over to my closet and grabbed my robe and threw it on.

"Nobody Callum." I told him, not being able to look at him straight in the eye.

"Is that the lad who broke your heart?" He asked once again with a smirk.

I turned around and glared, "Shut the fuck up and just leave." I told him, running my hands through my hair.

"You know darling, you pushed me off before I could finish… That's not very nice." He grinned, making me want to punch him.

"Well why don't you go jizz somewhere else, cause I'm tired of looking at you." I told him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Cold hearted and won't let me finish? What has happened to my darling Milena." He asked with a grin and I could tell he was still drunk.

"I am not your darling!" I yelled at him, "So how about you just get the fuck out of my place and we'll agree to never see each other again." I told him, knowing how much of a mistake I made by bringing him back to my place.

Suddenly there was a knock on my door and jumped. It was 1 am, who the hell would be knocking on my door at 1 am. I licked my lips as the knocking continued, "Milena!!" I heard a shout, "It's Ames."

My heart beat started going crazy as my eyes widened and Callum grinned, looking as if he was about to say something, but I covered his mouth with my hand.

"Shh." I told him quietly, "I don't want to hear a word out of you. Just a second!!" I yelled and then looked back at Callum, "Don't come out."

I walked to my front door and opened the door to see Ames standing in front of me.

"Ames… what are you doing here?" I asked in a hushed tone.

"I need to talk to you…" He trailed off. 

"Talk?" I raised my brows as I cinched the tie of my robe tighter around my waist. I suddenly felt completely naked. I wasn't expecting him to just show up… especially when Callum was in my bed naked.

He nodded, "You left with only a note and you haven't been returning my calls."

I swallowed, looking down at my feet, "I'm sorry..."

"Did I do something wrong Milena?" He asked me.

I quickly shook my head, "Of course not!" I protested.

"Then why have you been avoiding me?" He looked at me.

I swallowed, my throat completely dry, "I didn't want to put you in an awkward position Ames..."

He furrowed his brows, "Awkward?"

I licked my lips, "I know that you just wanted one night Ames. I spared you from having to say it to my face…"

"I wanted to talk in the morning."

"Ames, you don't have to be the 'good guy' about this… I understand that one night is all you wanted." I leaned against the doorframe.

"I'm not trying to be the 'good guy' any more Mila… I wanted to tell you that I want that night, every night." 

I looked back up at him, "What?"

"Being the good guy would have entailed me to resist you no matter what and let you find the good guy you deserve, but I'm selfish… and I want you." He cupped my chin.

"Ames…" I breathed out.

"So you're the lad Milena's heartbroken over." I heard another voice and Ames and I both turned to see a drunk Callum stumble out of my room in nothing but his boxers, "You should feel very special man."

Ames narrowed his eyes, "Why?"

Callum shrugged, "I would be if a beautiful girl like Mila called out my name while sleeping with someone else…"

My heart stopped and I started feeling light headed. Oh god.

"Who the f.uck are you?" Ames practically growled at Callum and I had never seen him react this way before.

"Apparently just a piece of a.ss she used to get over you. Didn't seem to work." Callum grinned and I was convinced he was still half drunk.

Suddenly Ames was in his face, screaming ,"Get your clothes and get the hell out of Milena's apartment. Now!" She said with great restraint as Callum just blinked at him, "NOW!!!" He yelled out loudly making Callum jump and scurry around for his clothes and then quickly hobbled out of the apartment.

Ames turned towards me with a fire in his eyes, "Ames…" I trailed off as he held up his hand and shook his head, walking to the door and I blocked, "Ames, please let me explain!!!"

"Explain?! Explain." He said as he became red in the face, "Go ahead Milena. Try."

"I…" I said struggling with my words, "I'm so sorry." I shook my head as tears ran down my face.

"Good explanation." He said coldly.

"I thought you didn't want me! You told me!" I yelled out, reminding him of that night, "You said it would just be that night Ames and I left because if I heard you say it the next morning in person after that night… it would have broken me…"

"I wasn't going to tell you that… The second I kissed you, it was over for me." He shook his head.

"It's been over for me since way before then." I admitted in a whisper.

"See, I might believe that a little more if you weren't jumping into bed with any loser who walked along right after leaving me. That doesn't sound like you want to be with me Milena, it sounds like you were hard up and I was the closest man to you." He said, and it was as if he punched me in the stomach.

"That's not-"

He stopped me, "Do you have ANY idea what it's doing to me thinking about that idiot with you?! You f.ucking smell like him Mila!!!" He screamed back at me.

I eyes filled with more tears, "I wanted to forget about you…" I said quietly.

"Look what good that did." He spat out at me.

"Ames, I'm sorry!" I yelled out at him.

"No! You don't get to say that to me. I tried to call you. I tried to contact you! You've been ignoring me. What else am I supposed to believe?" He said, red in the face.

"I have been rejected by guys and I've been fine. Heartbroken at first, but fine. If you did the same to me I don't think I would be able to bounce back!" I told him honestly. "I've loved you since god knows when Ames… hearing that it was just one night would have broken my heart." I told him.

"And you don't think it hurts to see you like this? After having sex with that piece of sh.it! He's disgusting." He growled.

I nodded, "I know Ames! I know that! God, Callum was an absolute piece of sh.it when we dated and I knew that when he was kissing me at the bar! I just wanted to forget about you! But I couldn't even do that…" I said ashamed, "All I could do was think about you."

"Good job." He tried to walk past me, but I stopped him once more.

"Ames, I'm not perfect." I cried out, "I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm the first person to admit it… I'm flawed. I love too much and run away scared."

"Why couldn't you just have stayed with me?" He told me, scrubbing his face, "Why couldn't you just wait til the morning?"

"I made a mistake." I whispered, "I don't know what else to do but say I'm sorry…"

"You could have at least answered the damn phone!!" He ran his hands through his hair.

"I told you.. I was so scared…" I whispered.

"So you thought giving it up to the next guy who walked by would be the next best idea?!"

"Ames." I said, hurt by that.

"I never thought of you as easy." He spat out at me and it was worse than if had actually slapped me. It hurt me more than I could even process...

"Well then maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do." I snapped at him, no longer feeling guilty for what I did. I was furious now.

"Who does?! You never let anyone!" He yelled at me.

"Says the man who's spent the last five years not letting anyone know him." I yelled back at him.

He took a few steps closer to me, "What do you want from me?!" He asked.

"Nothing." I folded my arms over my chest and looked away.

"You're a liar." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"I've just come to grips with reality that's all. Some people don't get what they want."

"Maybe it's because those people f.uck up their own lives!!" He said, running his hands through his hair.

"Yeah, I'm great at that." I said sarcastically, hating him at this moment. He was worse than Braden or Callum, he looked down at me…

"Was I not enough?" He asked me, changing the subject.

My eyes softened once more, "Ames... You were more than enough."

"Then why did you run to that sleaze bag?!" He yelled once more.

"People do stupid things. I have no way of justifying what I did. It was stupid and a shitty move on my part Ames. I was upset and stupidly thought sex with a douche would help. It made me feel worse... But not worse than you calling me easy!" I said getting angry once more, "You can sleep with many different women but when I sleep with a guy I slept years ago I'm pretty much a whore!"

"I didn't call you a whore Mila!" He interjected.

I shook my head, "You just called me easy. Would you like me to point out 5your flaws Ames?!" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You're so much better than that guy though Mila! You're perfect and you deserve better!"

I nodded, "I do deserve a lot better than Callum but I'm not perfect Ames! You need to stop putting me on a pedestal. As you see tonight I do some pretty stupid things..."

"You're perfect to me Mila..." He trailed off.

I gave him a small sardonic grin, "Then how is anybody going to be good enough for me Ames? I have loved you since I was 18 when you barely noticed me... It was wishful thinking to think that you'd ever look at me the way I looked at you."

"You think I barely noticed you?" He asked, shaking his head.

I averted his gaze and looked down, "Why would you?"

"When I came back from school, I saw you at Ava's dinner party. You were wearing a short little yellow sundress and shoes that had ties around your ankles. I couldn't believe the little girl I'd grown up with turned into such a gorgeous woman."

"Ames…" I trailed off.

"It was all I could do to not think of you the way any 23 year old guy thinks of a girl. It didn't work either. And it wasn't just how damn well you grew up. I liked the way you smiled, your sexy little bedroom voice." He smirked at me.

I bit my lip, trying to not blush, "I do not have a bedroom voice."

"The way you blush… so effortlessly sexy while still remaining totally you. Maybe I never got to know you as well as I could but that's because I knew even then if I let myself know you I would never get over you."

"That's just because you didn't know me. Didn't know how I was. How I still am; I'm a mess."

"You're preaching to the choir Mila." He admitted.

"I don't know where we go from here…" I told him looking at the floor.

"I don't think I can get over what happened tonight… I can't even look at you without seeing someone else touching you…"

"Then you're just as bad as those other guys…" I trailed off, giving him a small shrug, "You're hypocrite Ames."

"Because I sleep around with jerks?" He raised a brow.

I shook my head, "Because you sleep around in general. Were you in love with any of those girls you've been distracting yourself with? I'm sure they weren't nobel prize winners." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"It's not the same-"

"Because of some stupid double standard Ames. I've seen some of the girls who've been with! You think I can't imagine you with those girls?" I asked him.

"It's still not the same."

"Because you're being selfish and you think that if I'm going to have been with you, I should have been pure. I have never once questioned your sexual or love history!" I told him, running my hands through my hair. "Ames, I loved you purely based on you… I didn't judge you on your past relationships, especially Odette. You proposed to a crazy girl who had a drug habit. I was with a cheating guy who got someone else pregnant who then proposed to me. What's the difference?" I shrugged, looking away from him.

"The difference is you were in my bed last week! In my arms! I was holding you, kissing you, and you turned around and gave that to someone else!"

"Ames…" I trailed off, trying to think of ways to tell him and show him that that wasn't the case

"I'm sorry." He shook his head, "I can't…" He said, standing up, walking to the door.

"So what… we're just nothing anymore?" I asked, hoping that wasn't the case.

"What do you want me to do Mila? Say everything's okay? Hop into your bed where you were just with another man? I can't DO that!" He yelled at me.

"I don't expect that, I just… Ames, I was drunk!" I told him honestly, "I wasn't thinking clearly! I said your name in bed with him!!"

He glared at me, "You could have been with me instead." He told me, "Next time you want to be with a guy? Maybe you should answer when he calls." He said walking away and I couldn't stop him this time.

He was right; I screwed him over by screwing some other guy… I was an awful person and I know if Ames had did that to me, I'd go insane…

I ran my hands through my hair, sighing as I tried to hold in my tears that I was threatening to rush down my cheeks. All I could do was go into my room and cry for what could have been and how much of an idiot I was.