and if I may just take your breath away

and if I may just take your breath away by ssaarah 

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the apartment that used to be mine. It wasn’t an incredibly long flight from Vancouver to Texas but it had been a long couple of weeks and though I was happy to be home… I was exhausted. I’d never worked so hard in my life and I wish I could say I enjoyed it…but I didn’t. I didn’t like my co-workers, I barely liked my boss and I missed my family, and my friends. And Jac. I could barely stop thinking about her but couldn’t bring myself to call her. I didn’t want to hear about home, how great Allure was, how much she clearly wasn’t missing me because I hadn’t heard from her. Fu.ck. Garrett opened the door and gave me a huge grin.

“Hey the party can start now! My brother’s here!!” he called out before hugging me as I heard cheers coming from the room. I walked in and set my suitcase on the table when Thea jumped into my arms.

“Why did you leave again?!” she asked as I hugged her back, kissing her cheek before pulling away.

“I'm starting to wonder the same thing.” I grinned and turned to Gare, “Happy Birthday man.” He smiled.

“Thanks! Hey you can set your stuff in your old room.” He slapped my back and I made my way through the room stopping on the way to catch up with friends before setting my suitcase on my bed. It was crazy. I spent years living in this apartment, years and all the memories I had when I looked at it were of something that had only happened this year. Jac, waking me up in the morning, Jac sleeping peacefully….slipping of her dress before straddling me while I sat at my desk, my hands tangled in her long hair. I needed to get out of this room. I turned around walking towards the bathroom when I walked straight into-

“Jacquelyn.” I widened my eyes, part of me thinking I was just hallucinating her. God she was even more beautiful than I remembered. She lifted her eyes to me and gave me a breathtaking smile. “I'm sorry I didn’t see you coming out…” I trailed off and she shook her head.

‘It’s fine.” She licked her lips and it took everything inside of me not to kiss her right then and there. “Hi.” She said finally after a few moments of tension filled silence.

“Hey.” My eyes lingered over her pretty face before roaming down her body, wrapped in a pretty dress that nearly killed me.

“I didn’t think you would come.” I said finally, my mouth feeling dry and my whole body feeling hot…not that that was a new thing around her.

“I was starting to think the same thing about you….I haven’t heard from you.” She ran her fingers through her hair and blinked, looking down at the ground as if I had hurt her. I reached out for her chin and tilted it back up.

“I haven’t heard from you either.” I replied seriously.

"Because I love you," she said quietly, making my chest hurt as I digested her words, a mix of relief and grief that was a little overwhelming. "It's hard getting over you when we're texting back and forth... sitting around and waiting for your calls."

"So it's easier to just up and stop?" I said pointblank, knowing I was being a jackass because I hadn’t made the initiative either, the difference was in my case it didn’t ease the pain not talking to her. It made it worse.

"No. Of course it wasn't easy. I miss you Dean. I know that it broke your heart, me not going with you, but I hurt too." I parted my lips, wondering why she chose something she knew would break her heart but not wanting to rehash the relationship over and over so instead I brushed past her to my bedroom.

"I need to put my things away and get back out there before Garrett comes looking for me." I felt her follow behind me as I opened my bag and dug around for Gare’s presents before she spoke again.  

"Do you want me to leave?" I turned back around and blinked at her.

“Are you kidding?” Jac licked her lips, looking around the room and I wonder if she was feeling the same things I had when I’d first walked in.

“I don’t want to make things worse.” She said finally, looking  back into my eyes. My mouth felt dry and I just wanted a really big drink, but did I want her to leave? Hell no, I needed to be around her. Even if it killed me….apparently I was a masochist. 

“It would be hard to make it worse Jac.”

“Dean…” she shut the door to my bedroom before taking slow steps towards me. “I never meant to hurt you.” She whispered.

“It’s not your fault.” I shook my head. “We both went in to this knowing it could end….knowing it probably would end.”

“How is it? Your new life….” I debated lying, telling her it was a dream job and everything was going great….but I couldn’t lie to Jac. I never even wanted to lie to her.

“Sucks.” I admitted, laughing a little at the irony of it all. She widened her eyes, looking taken aback by my answer.

“I'm sorry….at least you have Kiley there though right?” she said the last part with an edge to her voice and I wondered if she thought I would go back to my ex as soon as I got there. I hadn’t even looked at another woman.

“I'm pretty sure Kiley is having an affair with our boss.” I voiced my suspicions and Jac widened her eyes again.

“….classy.” I nodded with a weak smile, wondering how I ever could of thought she was good enough when there were women like Jacquelyn in the world. Then again….I hadn’t been good enough for her.

“How about you?”

"I've been keeping busy," Jac answered back, crossing her arms over her chest and looking around the room at pretty much anything but me. 

"Oh?"

"With work," she added, finally bringing her eyes to me but looking like she hated it.

"I see, how are you though?" I asked, pressing the issue because I really wanted to know.

"I'm doing better," she admitted finally. I was happy for her. I wanted her to be able to move on…but me? I wasn’t doing better. I missed her more every second.  "I miss you though," she continued as if she was reading my mind.

“Saying I miss you would be an understatement Jac.” I admitted, looking into her eyes and for the first time it wasn’t awkward. It broke my heart a little though. “If I can go half an hour without thinking about you it’s a miracle.” I sounded lame as hell and I knew it but who cared? She couldn’t hurt me any more than I already was.

“You should have called…”  her voice was so soft I barely heard her. She broke the eye contact and started picking at her nails.

“I didn’t want to bother you.” It was true. But as time went on I also didn’t want to hear about some other guy. Not that I thought there might be one, but you never knew.

“It wouldn’t have bothered me.”

“….you’re right.” I said after processing her words. “I should have called.” I also should have fought for her harder. Begged her, bribed her, anything to get her to come with me. I knew I’d never love anyone else the way I loved her, that anyone else would be settling.

“Are you seeing someone?” the question threw me off guard.

“No Jac I'm in love with you.”

“But I'm not with you.” I shook my head and let out a deep breath.

“I wouldn’t want to see anyone else and I’d probably just make them miserable if I did.” Jac let the corners of her mouth tilt up slowly.

“You made me pretty miserable on our first date and I still ended up falling for you.” My eyes lingered on her face and oh my god I wanted to kiss her so bad it was killing me. All over. Kiss her and touch her and make love to her for as long as I had.

“I'm a lucky man.” I said, choosing not to add that I walked away from that luck. That I walked away from the best thing that ever happened to me and for what? A fancy job? I was a moron.

"Were," I blinked up at her when she spoke, not understanding. "You were a lucky man..." she explained, looking away from me again like I burned her with my eyes or something.

"Jac," I started then stopped, giving in to the temptation to touch her and pulling her hand so she was stepping between my legs and actually looking at me. "I wanted you to come with me... Hell, I begged you to come. Don't make me out to be the bad guy."

“Is that what you think? That I'm mad at you or -"

"No," I cut her off and shook my head because when it came down to it? I was to blame, "But I'm the one who left." I felt Jac running the pad of her thumb across my knuckles as I looked into her eyes. She was so beautiful …I’d always thought so. I hadn’t known how beautiful she was inside and out until recently. She was perfect. And I’d let her go.

"Fine then, you can be the bad guy," she smiled more genuinely, teasing me. “You're still pretty amazing though." I grinned back at her, but seeing her smile? It almost made it hurt more.

"I miss you," I said again, pulling her into my lap. She pressed a kiss against my cheek before laying it down on my shoulder.

"I miss you too," I wrapped my arms around her tighter as I laid back on my bed, bringing her with me and cradling her against my chest.

“I'm still lucky. I’ll always be lucky to have had you.” I said honestly, holding her closer in a few moments of actually sweet silence. God it was nice to hold her. It felt good. It felt right. Like she belonged in my bed in my arms, nuzzled against me. It took me a second to realize that this wasn’t my bed anymore.  “I found a place you would have loved. The kitchen was huge. High ceilings with windows that looked into the sky, a balcony overlooking the city….”

“It sounds incredible. Maybe I should come visit.” She said sweetly and I hugged her tighter to me.

“I didn’t get it.” Jac propped herself up a little so she could look down at me.

“Why not?” I blinked at her.

“Be in a place that would remind me of you every day?” I shook my head. “That would be torture. I got the ugliest apartment in Vancouver I think.” I laughed a little as I thought about it, even though it wasn’t that funny.

“I'm always in a place that reminds me of you every day.” She replied, looking lost for a moment. It reminded me that I got away, but Jac? She still worked where we worked, still slept where we’d slept, still lived where we’d lived. Hell she probably couldn’t get away from a place that we’d been to together.

“I'm sorry.” I said honestly, feeling her pain as I thought it over and she shrugged.

“Like you said, you begged me to come with you.” She whispered softly, her voice slightly breaking. I couldn’t take it anymore; I reached out to tangle my fingers in her hair that still felt like silk, pulling her face closer to mine in what felt like slow motion before stopping.

“I'm going to kiss you.” I said almost against her lips.

“Please.” She whispered again and then I was pressing my lips against hers and damn it was so fucking sweet. Her lips were soft and she let out a little moan that left me aching. Crazy for her. For us to be an us again. I was never going to stop loving her.

“Jacquelyn….” I moaned against her mouth before kissing her harder, wrapping my body over hers as she tangled her legs with mine.

"Mm?" she let out one of her little moans as she nuzzled against my neck, almost totally breaking me.

"You drive me crazy when you do that," I groaned, so damn happy she was here, in my arms. Where she belonged….even if it would end soon.

"Do what?" she gave me an innocent look but set her hands on my chest and straddled me. Her hands slid under my shirt and traced the lines on my stomach, each touch making me weaker and weaker. I grinned back at her and did the same, slipping my hands under where her skirt ended, caressing her thighs in the process. "I love the way your hands feel on me," she let out before lowering her head to kiss me. Did she know what she did to me? Did she have any idea how crazy I was for her? How she was literally the only thing I thought about for the last month. That any other woman was totally invisible because I knew they couldn’t compare…..I felt desperate.

"What else?"  I asked, snaking my hands around her body to rest on her perfect ass.

"When you tease me," she said with a smirk before pressing another kiss against my lips.

“Tease you?” I choked out. “It’s been a month Jac I don’t have it in me to tease…” I said seriously, my entire body on fire for her.

“A long month.” She whispered, pulling my mouth back to hers like she was just as desperate as I was.

“Yes.” I agreed, slipping my hand up her shirt and holding her waist, loving the feel of her bare skin against mine. “I miss you so much baby.” I felt like I was bursting with so many feelings. Love for her, hate that we weren’t together, lust….so much lust, regret for leaving, sadness at knowing I’d leave again….more hate for that. And happiness. For being with her now, holding her kissing her, tasting her….taking her all in.

“I love you Dean.” She whispered as she ground herself against me and I pushed back just as hard, not for the physical release…well for that too but I just wanted more of her. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. I rolled on top of her and held my hands on either side of her head as I looked into her flushed face.

“Why?” I whispered in a strangled voice. “Why did you say you’d come and then change your mind?” I swallowed. “What did I do wrong?” She reached up for me, pulling me back down. I nuzzled against her neck. I wanted to stay there forever.

“You didn’t’ do anything wrong…” she trailed off, I wanted to read her mind, to know just what she was thinking because it had to be something I did. Something that  made me not worth it to her anymore.

“I did. I lost you. That’s the most wrong thing that’s ever happened to me.”

"You didn't lose me, I'm right here," she tilted my head to a side, giving me more access to move my mouth across her body. She was delicious. Everywhere. I laughed and then sucked on her neck, not bothering to care if I left a mark because I wanted my mark left on her. Any way I could.

"You know what I mean Jac," I said in a more serious tone, pressing my hips back against hers and making a quiet moan escape her throat. The friction was too much to handle. "Turn around." She did, quickly and I moved my hand up her back to unzip her, peeling her clothes from her body. She got on her knees in front of me so I could lift the fabric over her head and toss it aside, leaving her body in my view. She was perfect….

"When are you leaving?" she tilted her head up as I pressed my chest into her back and she rose her hand to tangle her hand in my hair, a move that was just so Jac it drove me nuts. If I got close, she got closer and I loved it, but then she gave me a weak smile and I groaned.

“I hate that….” I whispered, shaking my head.

‘You hate what?”

“When you smile like that…”

“Dean…” she trailed off and looked at the ground. I scooped her back up into my arms and pulled her back down onto the bed, kissing her forehead. “Why did you get that fu.cking job?!” she said against my chest, her hand fisting my shirt.

“Why did you end up being the world’s most perfect woman? I think that’s your fault.” I teased, trying to make light of a moment that really just broke my heart more than it already was. She reached up and ran her fingers through my hair, pulling me down to her lips and kissing me.

“Show me how much you missed me.” She said against my mouth, pulling me on top of her. I kissed her, hard, sliding my tongue against hers and running my hands along the curve of her hip. “Please….” She whispered, arching her hips up to meet mine. I groaned, and cursed under my breath.

“Do you want me right now because you want me or because it’s easier than talking about how you feel?” I asked, knowing I’d regret it if I didn’t ask her and she ended up hating herself for falling back into bed with a man who was just going to leave her again.

“Both.” She admitted. “What about you?” I swallowed and closed my eyes before looking down at her.

“I just love you Jac….I love you and I'm a selfish asshole who will take from you whatever you’re willing to give me.”  She took a deep breath and for a second I thought she was going to pull away but then she spoke.

"Take off your pants," she said instead,  reaching for my shirt and pulling it over my head. She ran her hands down my chest, and if I hadn’t been hard as hell before? I was now. I grabbed her hands, pinning them over her head after undoing my jeans. I lowered my head to her body, sliding my tongue along her breasts, just where her bra met her skin.

"We have all night Jac..." I said in response to the sexy whimper that left her. I ran my fingertips down her arm, snaking it behind her back and unclasping her bra.

"It's not enough,"

"I can stop," I lied, pulling her bra away from her body and reaching down for her panties too.

"I think I'd die if you stopped," she lifted her hips as I slid them down her long legs. I took a second to take in her naked body, slowly devouring her inch by inch with my gaze.

“I thought I said not to stop.” Jac’s voice was raspy and filled with the same need I felt. I was desperate.

“I thought I’d had you memorized but fu.ck it’s so much better in reality…..” I brushed my thumb over one of her nip.ples, watching it instantly pucker at my touch, her sharp intake of breath making me crazy.

“More….please more…” she whimpered, looking up at me such obvious emotion it nearly killed me. I swear my heart was gone. It was hers. I hovered over her, the feeling of my abs resting lightly against her stomach, her perfect breasts pressing into my chest almost too much to handle.

“I wish I could give you the world baby.” I said honestly and she swallowed before giving me a smile.

“Just your dick for now.” I chuckled before lowering my lips to kiss her, sliding my tongue against hers as she ground her hips into me.

“Jac…” I warned as she ran her pu.ssy up and down the length of my erection through my boxers. “You’re going to have me finish even before we start if you keep that up…”

‘I'm sorry I can’t help it…..” I groaned and grabbed her hips, setting them on the bed so I could take a moment to recompose myself. She did this to me. She made me lose all of my carefully guarded control and even though it scared me? I loved it.

“You’re literally too hot to be real baby.” I said, pushing down my boxers and fisting my di.ck, setting it at her entrance, my whole body already prepared for the massive pleasure it had been accustomed to with her and missed so damn much.

"I feel the same way about you..." I adjusted her hips to right where I needed her before rolling mine and giving her almost all of me at once. Jac screamed out before whimpering when I pulled back, teasing her opening with just the head of my dick I fisted myself, moving the tip up and down her entrance, loving the way she moved and made little sounds of frustration.

"I love watching you..." I lowered my head and pressed my lips against the front of her neck before trailing down.

"More baby," she whispered,  and I lifted my eyes to her, watching her mouth form a tiny O when I wrapped my lips around one of her beaded nipples. “God Dean," she said roughly, moaning while I licked and teased her.

"I should just keep teasing you," I said, grinning against her skin.

"You're going to have me finish even before we start if you keep that up," I could hear the smile in her words as she gave me back what I’d already said. She was a complete contradiction half of me felt like I could finish just from watching her undress while she also gave me so much fucking stamina I could take her all night and still want more. I shook my head and tugged on her left nipple, making the breath rush out of her as she moaned.

"I've never had a problem with making you cum multiple times...." and honestly I was getting impatient….watching Jac come apart was one of the most erotic things I’d ever seen and I missed it. So damn much.

"Fu.ck," I teased her mercilessly; bringing her to the breaking point…hell bringing me to the breaking point until I knew one touch, one movement would push her over the edge. “Enough Dean!” she moaned and I grinned, thrusting hard inside of her and feeling her come apart. “Oh my god!!!” her head threw back and her body shook in my arms as her orgasm over took her.

“Again.” I ordered, thrusting hard, up to that special spot that I knew drove her nuts as I moved my hand to her cli.t applying just the right amount of pressure to her already sensitized skin. She called out as I watched her cum again, getting harder inside of her at every moment as her warmth and arousal coated me.

“Dean…..” her nails let out of the grip they had on my back and I thought I’d worn her out but her hips kept moving with mine. “I always want you inside of me….” She whispered, looking straight into my eyes.

“Every time I think you can’t get any hotter you prove me wrong baby.” I said seriously. “God I cant even decide where I want to put my hands…my mouth. They want every part of you….” She tightened around me and I groaned, nuzzling her neck as my hands grabbed her ass and squeezed.

“You can do whatever you want to me.” She whispered, her hands tangled in my hair and I pulled back to look into her eyes before I kissed her. Hard. I kissed her the same way I was making love to her, fast and hard and building up to something explosive.

“Jac….” I groaned against her mouth.

"Don't stop... not until you're coming for me..." she breathed out, keeping her gorgeous eyes locked on mine. I pushed her legs further apart, needing more, grasping her hip as I moved.

"How are you even real?" I groaned against her, my lips taking her neck and then wrapping around her full breast again, sucking hard, mimicking the movements of my hips. "I love your body," I whispered and then bit down on her erect nipple again, tugging it, experimenting with how hard I could go when she screamed. "Shh baby,"

"I thought you liked when I was loud," she grinned and bit down on her lip.

“I love everything you do…..” I kissed her mouth as she tightened around me, fucking her hard and making it hard for me to concentrate on anything but how her pussy was holding on to my dick. I was conflicted, I wanted to keep touching her I didn’t know what would happen when we were done, but fuck she felt so damn good it was so hard not to let us both finish.

“So close….” Jac’s whispered words killed me, ripping apart my self control as I gave her all of me again and again, both of us finishing hard, Jac’s teeth sinking into my skin as I groaned out her name.

“No one feels like you do baby….” I breathed, out, my forehead setting against hers as we stared at each other, letting our breathing slow down. She swallowed and lifted her hand to my shoulder.

“You’re going to have a mark.” She bit her lip and I laughed.

“It was worth it.” She wriggled her hips and I groaned, still inside of her and just her moving killed me. I pulled back and scooped her up in my arms, her back to my front as I cupped her breasts, ran my hand across her stomach, down her legs, feeling helpless if I couldn’t be touching her.

“Is your brother going to be pissed off that you ditched his birthday for me?” she asked, tilting her head back with a grin.

“His birthday isn’t actually until tomorrow anyways.” I replied right before we heard thumping on the other side of my wall.  ‘And I think he’s probably just fine where he is.” I smirked and Jac shook her head.

“Thea is going to drive that poor boy crazy.” She shook her head and I sighed.

“At least they’re in the same country.”

"You got me there."

“Hey," I said in a gentle voice and angled her chin back to look into her eyes. "I didn't say that to make you feel bad."

"I know," she replied and forced a weak smile. "So do you think that means that the party's over?"

I

 cracked a grin and leaned in to kiss her again, my body reacting instantly even

 though I’d just had her.

"I think so," I replied and kissed her nose, grinning wider when she wrinkled it. "I miss you..."

"I can't blame you. I'm pretty amazing," Jack joked and I moved her with me, turning us so she was straddling me. I took in the sight, her full breasts with nipples straining towards me, flat stomach leading down to where her pussy was resting just inches from my dick, the thought making it twitch with need.

"You are," I replied in a more serious tone.

"So are you," she tilted my chin up and slid her hand into my hair while leaning down to kiss me. I ran my hands up her back, holding on to her as she kissed me.

“I'm sorry.” I whispered against her lips. She ran her fingers through her hair to push it back before looking at me.

“Sorry?”

 I nodded.

“I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I let us pretend we could be together before I left….I’m sorry I can’t just let you move on now.” I shook my head. “You should hate me.” She shook her head, moving so we were laying side by side facing each

 

other.“I'm

 not sorry Dean.” She whispered.

“How

 can you not be?” I averted my eyes, it was so hard to talk when all I wanted to

 do when I looked at her was kiss her and never stop. 

“Because  it was worth it. As much as it sucks not being with you, as much as having to

 say goodbye again will kill me? You are worth it.” I groaned, reaching out for

 her face to kiss her again. 

“I'm yours….you know that? I’ll always be yours.” I said seriously, knowing no other

 woman would ever compare, would ever have the hold on me that she does.

“Don’t be silly….I hear Canadian girls are really easy.” She joked and I laughed as I

 shook my head.

“I wouldn’t know….nor do I even care.” I was so so tempted to beg her to come back with me, to change her mind, but I got it. I understood she couldn’t uproot her life for something she wasn’t sure of. But that was the difference. I had no doubts.

 "You can't say things like that to me."

"What?" I blinked. "The truth?" Jac shook her head and for a moment she looked lost in thought.

"It's like you're giving me false hope," she said seriously and frowned. I used my free hand to push her hair out of her face then cupped her cheek and leaned in to kiss her again.

"I meant it Jac," I replied and ran my thumb across her bottom lip.

"You're going to meet someone and forget all about me," she whispered, turning away, hiding from me.

"Do you believe that?" her eyes found their way back to mine but they were tentative, searching. For what I wasn’t sure.

"Do I believe that girls will be throwing themselves at you? Yes." I grinned and shook my head.

"That wasn't what I was asking."

"I don't know Dean... What are we doing? I can't just ask you to not move on..."

“You don’t have to ask me that. You’re the only woman I’ve ever felt this way about. I hear that doesn’t just go away.”

“I wish it did….” She trailed off and I felt my chest hurt as I wrapped her tighter in my arms.

“Do you regret being with me?” she shook her head.

“No.” she said it with such surety it made me reach down and kiss her hard. I didn’t regret it either, I wouldn’t give up the time I spent with Jac for anything, even if it meant my heart was broken. Though I didn’t want hers to be too….

“Oh my god!” I looked down at Jac questioningly and she shrugged, her smile turning into a smirk as she pointed towards the wall I shared with my brother. I winced.

“And I couldn’t think of anything I didn’t miss being away. Now I remember. Sharing a wall with your brother? Not always awesome.” Jac laughed.

“Give him a break it’s his birthday.” She smirked, straddling me slowly. “But I bet we can drown them out.” She bit her lip and I grinned.

“You’re on.” And then I kissed her again.