With all the blood I lost with you, it drowns the love I thought I knew.

With all the blood I lost with you, it drowns the love I thought I knew. by pinklipstiiick featuring a preening

"Is that the last of your bags?" I asked my sister as she handed her backpack over to Dean. For someone who was only here for two weeks, she sure did pack enough to last a month.

"Yes," She replied with her eyes on my boyfriend as he left the apartment to carry all of her things down to his truck. "Next time I come to visit? I'm snagging myself a real man like that..."

I narrowed my eyes on her, "You're too young for a real man. Stick to boys your own age."

She laughed and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist much like she'd do when we were younger. I couldn't pick her up anymore, but I could still hold her. "I'm practically a grownup. When will you start treating me like one?" She asked with her head resting against my shoulder. 

"You'll always be my big baby instead," I retorted and Dean peeked his head in, grinning at us.

"The trucks loaded. Are you girls ready or do you need another minute?"

Lys pulled back, "I don't want to leave, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be!"

I moved over to Dean and slid my hand in his, locking the door behind us as we left my place. I felt a heavy feeling in my chest since my time with my sister had already passed and I still didn't tell her that I was moving to Canada. We were leaving tomorrow to find a place then hopefully, we'd be leaving more permanently in one week. I was nervous still, but more so excited. 

"I have an idea! How about I come here for senior year," She whipped around in front of us and smiled. 

"Like you'd actually leave your friends," I lifted an eyebrow and she pouted.

"True..." She trailed off, watching me and Dean steal a quick kiss from each other before parting ways so he could walk around the truck to the drivers seat. "I could always visit more."

I bit my lip and we all climbed in. I had to tell her, but now I just felt like I was stalling. "What do you think about Canada?" I asked her, noticing Dean's eyes on me from the corner of my eye.

“What do I think about Canada?” She asked offhandedly as she scrolled through her phone. 

“Yeah…” I trailed off, thinking about the last time I had been there when Lys was only about five years old. It was right after our mom had left and it wasn't our best family vacation... even if we weren't necessarily on vacation.

“It’s cold?” She replied, putting down her phone and looking at me. 

“Only in the winter," Dean piped in, being adorable as always. 

“Okay….why?” She asked, her eyebrow raised. 

I swallowed thickly and ran my hands through my hair, knowing there was only one way to do this: Just flat out say it. “I'm moving there. With Dean,” I said and it felt like I was pulling a band aid off quickly. 

Alyssa blinked back at us, “What?” 

I took a deep breath but before I could speak, Dean gave her the response I should have lead with, “I got a job offer in Vancouver and I took it. I asked Jac to come with me.” 

“And I said yes," I ended his sentence, still trying to gauge my sisters reaction. 

“Wait a second. You’re moving to a different country with a guy you’ve been dating for a month?!” She asked, looking shocked and confused. 

“When you say it like that…”

Lys interrupted, “Look …I like Dean and all but I’d be worried if you said you were just moving in together after this long…but giving up your whole life? That’s crazy Jac.”

“It’s not like I have much of a life here to hold on to," I protested, wanting to point out that it was more than a month... hell it was more than just dating. I was in love with Dean. But how could I tell Lys that when we hadn't even told each other yet?

“Then come back home! Don’t move to a different time zone again!!!! You always do this with guys, you think you’re in love and you give up everything to them and when it’s over you’re left all alone in a place with no one!” 

Dean blinked at her outburst and I felt bad, I felt small, my babysitter putting me in my place and making me realize what a bad influence I had been on her all along when I strived for the opposite. “I'm um. I have to go to the bathroom before we go," Dean said simply.

"No, it's fine," I said quickly and reached for his hand which was resting on the center console, intertwining his fingers with mine since he gave me strength as cheesy as it sounded. "I think you owe Dean an apology."

My sisters eyes practically bugged out, "An apology?! For what? Was everything I just said not true?"

"Alyssa," I said flatly, using my stern voice.

"I'm sorry," She said to him, no emotion to her tone. "Gran would be so disappointed in you Jac. I'm assuming you haven't told her yet, right?"

I turned my gaze away from her to look out the window, sitting in silence until the engine roared to life and broke the quietness of it all. I watched the road as we moved, thinking about what my sister had said and trying to think about what my gran would tell me. Probably the same thing she did when I left for Texas with Joel: Don't go. Don't let a man run your life because in the end, your world will revolve around them. 

"Are you okay?" Dean asked in a quiet voice and I broke my gaze from the road finally to look at him and smile, giving him a small nod since I wasn't okay. I felt confused. While a part of me knew how amazing he was and how bad I wanted to be with him, I also knew that Canada wasn't where I wanted to be. 

We pulled up alongside the curb at the airport, Lys the first one out and making a point of slamming her door shut behind her. I hopped out of the truck and crossed my arms over my chest as I looked at my sister, knowing Dean was stalling in the car to give me time alone with her. "I'm in love with him," I said seriously, my voice quiet.

She nodded her head, "I know. You loved Joel too."

"That was different." Dean and Joel? They were opposites.

"I know," She agreed again. "But is it what you want? Canada?"

I bit into my lip and looked at Dean who was messing around on his phone, the engine still running. I wanted to be with him, there was no doubt about it... but it felt like time wasn't on our side. It'd been like that from the start, all these signs telling us we shouldn't be together. 

Alyssa stepped closer and wrapped her arms around me, "Remember when you and Joel broke up? Think of how much harder breaking up with Dean would be... and how you'll be alone in the middle of nowhere." She looked at me, her eyes leaving me for a second as his door opened. "Don't go," She whispered before hugging me and pulling away. "I love you Jac, but just think about it. Please."

"I love you too," I said back and forced a smile as Dean set Lys' bags beside us on the curb.

"That's everything," He said awkwardly, looking like he'd rather be anywhere than here.

My sister smiled and stepped closer to him, giving him a hug, "Thank you and I'm sorry about earlier."

“I meant it about your 21st birthday," He said, winking at Lys who grinned. 

“I look forward to it,” She nodded before hugging me again and heading into the airport, leaving me alone with Dean. 

He walked up and wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing right beneath my ear, “What are you thinking?” 

It was a loaded question. I held Dean's arms and then abruptly pulled away, “We should get out of the road if we don’t want to get a ticket.” 

He blinked but then realized I  was probably right, pulling away from the convoluted airport and onto the highway before glancing at me again. “Would your gran not want you to come with me?” 

I pulled my eyes away from the window, not sure what my gran would say. She wanted me happy, but she'd seen me make mistakes with men in the past. “You have to admit. It sounds crazy," I said softly, my voice kind of shaky. 

“Yeah," He nodded. “Are you hungry?” 

I shook my head, too lost in my thoughts to be hungry. And my stomach? It was twisted in knots. “Not really," I replied.  

“Your sister only spent a few weeks with us…..she doesn’t really know-“ 

“She’s right though….it’s soon," I pointed out. 

“Are you worried that I’ll leave you? That I’ll be like your ex?” He asked,pulling the truck over at his place and looking back at me. I could see the fear in his face, how bad he didn't want to lose me and I felt the same way. 

“I knew him longer than I knew you," I said as if that had anything to do with anything. 

“And?”

I remained quiet for a minute, knowing that Dean and Joel were complete opposites and it wasn't fair to draw any comparison. The thing with the two of them was that I thought I loved Joel... until I started dating Dean and realized that there was so much more to love than just being with a person. Now I knew what love was... but I was still afraid it might now be enough. "And he still left," I said eventually. 

"Because you weren't in love with him Jac," He said back louder, maybe having enough of my mood swings. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. "He used you and he left you when times got hard... I'm not him. I'm not going to do that to you because the thought of seeing you hurt? It kills me."

I blinked my eyes and looked back at the window, feeling a sting behind them as a few stray tears rolled down my cheeks. I'd never felt so conflicted in my life, wanting to say yes to Dean and Canada more than anything but still knowing it wasn't what I truly wanted. Not Canada at least. 

Before getting the chance to part my lips, he reached for my chin to tilt my head in his direction, his thumb wiping away at my tear streaked face. "Don't cry. Please," He said quietly, the perfect man. My dream guy: handsome, caring, funny, everything I could possibly want in a partner. 

"I love you," I said back, feeling my heart pounding in my chest because those words had been on the tip of my tongue for a while now and as every day passed, I only knew they were more true. 

He sat there in silence for a moment, not at all how I expected this to go... but what did I expect exactly? Me to say those magic three words and he'd decide to stay? “You’re not going to come with me are you?” He asked softly as slow tears ran down my face more. I guess I knew then, made my decision finally.

I looked at him for a few more seconds and then shook my head, “I can’t Dean.” 

He ran his hand over his face and I could feel my heart breaking, knowing that I was losing. I'd lost Joel twice and the pain then? It wasn't even comparable. I truly loved Dean and I knew that I'd never find another man like him again... This was my one chance. And I ruined it. He swallowed and then looked out of the dashboard window. “You have stuff at my place," He said, his words surprising me even if I knew I had upset him. But god, I didn't want him to hate me.

“Dean….”

He turned to me and my heart sunk. I woke up this morning thinking about our future... of the way we spent the night together in each others arms. Now it all felt like a distant memory. “What do you want me to say Jac? That I understand….that it’s crazy to come with me? I knew that when I asked you and still you said yes. I understand you were taking a risk but I thought it was worth it to you. I thought that I was worth it to you.”

"Then stay," I rushed out, two more words that had been on the tip of my tongue since I first found out about Canada. I knew he had his mind made up, but it didn't hurt to try. "Stay here and be with me. We can get a place together and -" 

"I quit Allure. I'm starting my new job in a week," He cut me off, staring at me with the intense look I always found irresistible. God he was so handsome. "Even if I wanted to stay? I'd have no job... and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to find one that would pay me as well as this one."

I leaned my head against the seat and tried to take a deep breath, letting my eyes shut for a moment to regain composure. I pictured it all with Dean; marriage, kids, grandkids... I felt insane to let it all go, just like that. My eyes fluttered back open only to find his on me, my hand reaching to tangle with his as I spoke quietly, "Please. Don't go."

“I'm already gone Jac. We both were," He shook his head. “You have a plane ticket to come pick an apartment with me tomorrow.” 

I pulled my eyes away to look at my feet, it breaking my heart even more just looking into his gorgeous eyes, “I'm sorry.” 

“So you’re breaking up with me on the off chance that we’ll break up later?!”

“Dean…” 

“I am leaving in a week Jac. I have responsibilities. If you’re not coming with me? Then we’re not together anymore.” 

“I know what it means Dean," I said, a little more edge to my voice this time since his last words had cut deep. It was like he didn't even want to try. 

He ran his hands through his hair and looked out in front of us. “What did I do wrong?” He asked seriously, looking over at me again. “How could I love you more than I already do?” 

I blinked, the words falling so nonchalantly from his lips I almost missed them. But I didn't... and I was pretty sure my heart had just stopped. “You love me?” I whispered slowly, my eyes growing wide. 

“More than I even thought anyone could love a person," He admitted. “You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, my day is spent wondering how to make you happy, and I can hardly sleep without you in my arms. I am so damn in love with you.”

I smiled a weak smile, his words having that effect on me but  the fact that I knew he was still leaving? I couldn't forget that. "But you're still leaving," I said as more of a statement than anything. 

He pulled me into his arms, my body shifting across the center console to adjust on his lap. I wanted to stay like this in his arms forever, knowing it wasn't possible, but it gave me hope somehow. "I'm not going to ask  you to come with me again Jac... but hell, you know I want you to. You know I'd do anything for you," He said in a dangerously low tone. 

I leaned my head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist, "Almost anything."

"That's not fair."

I set my free hand on his hard chest and looked at him, "But it's fair for you to put it on me? Either I go or we're through?" is face hardened and I closed my eyes for a second, "I don't want to fight with you Dean, not right now."

“I don’t want to fight with you either but you’re acting like you didn’t just change your mind a day before we buy a place," He pointed out, having a more than valid point. 

I blinked, “I know.” 

He let out a sigh, “I have to go.” 

“Then you’re right. We are over," I whispered it so softly I wasn't sure if he heard it. 

“Okay," He replied, his tone cold as he lifted me off his lap and into my own seat before getting out of the truck. 

I climbed out and followed behind him, “Dean.”  

“What? You’re right. If neither of us are willing to change then we’re over. We want different things. I get it. I get that you can’t come with me. I get that it’s crazy," He shook his head. “And I also know I’ll never find another woman I love as much as I love you so I'm sorry, but I'm allowed to be upset.”

"And I'm hurt," I said back, biting down on my lip. "It's killing me to lose you, but it's hurting even more knowing that I hurt you."

He parted his lips and took a step forward, breaking the distance between us so I could smell his cologne. I wanted to lean into him, throw my arms around his body and never leave. Instead he handed me a set of keys, "You can borrow my truck. Just make sure you drop it off before I leave... you know when my flight is."

My mouth fell open and no words came out, I felt like I couldn't speak.

"Leave them with Gare," He added and I felt a sting of pain.

"You don't want to see me one last time?"

"No," He said simply before shaking his head with a hard look on his face. "RIght now Jac? No, I don't."