i'm keeping myself together, cause you keep me from falling apart.

i'm keeping myself together, cause you keep me from falling apart. by ssaarah

I moved into my last yoga pose my tv guide was instructing when I heard someone knocking on my door. I came out of the spare bedroom and walked to the door, peeking in the peephole and saw my mother.

“Hi baby.” She grinned and leaned into kiss my cheek and handed me a basket of chocolate croissants. “Are you hungry?” I looked down and then back at my mom.

“You come over unannounced bringing carbs?” I asked, a smirk tugging at my lips as she shrugged.

“Sometimes I must take drastic measures to spend time with my children.” She grinned and looked at me.  “Are you going to let me in or just stand there?” I stepped aside and let her walk in following her into the kitchen and placing the food on the table.

“You’re being silly mom.”

“You and Ben don’t tell me anything instead.” She pouted at me and I shook my head.

“That face only works on dad.” I pointed out, taking a seat next to her. “Are you here to spy on me then? Your folders aren’t enough?” Mom pursed her lips and sighed.

“Ben told you that?” I shook my head.

“Actually I told Ben. He seemed to mind quite more than I do. Which is ridiculous considering I'm sure his folder is much thinner.” Mom laughed as I narrowed my eyes on her making her sigh.

"I have a folder on each of my clients, not just the two of you. And they technically belong to the PR department."

"You steal from the PR department? Tsk tsk mother," I grinned and propped both of my elbows on the counter.

"Surprised I have a bad streak in me?" I matched her silly grin as I reched out to grab a croissant…the chocolate kind of course.

"Oh, I've Googled your name before and I know what comes up," I winked at mom even though honestly the weirdest thing I found was a tumblr dedicated to her ass. Seriously.

"See, it's really not so terrible of me now is it?" she asked.

"Spying? A little," I replied with a slight shrug even though I didn’t really care. "Come on, you know how private Ben is... you had to know he'd flip his shit."

"Chloe, language,"

"Because you've never cussed a day in your perfect life?" I raised an eyebrow. "And please eat. I hate when you bring me food but won't touch it." Mom grinned but reached for one of the smaller croissants and picked at it.

"You know how far from perfect I am," she replied as she studied me. "How have you been?"

“Same as always.” I grinned as mom looked like she was going to start groaning again. “What?”

“You and Ben are both the same, always trying to keep things to yourself.” I gave her a small smile and shook my head.

“We don’t keep things to ourselves, we tell each other.” I said seriously, the only thing I’d ever kept from Ben? Had been Sam and now even that secret was no longer between us.

“Well at least you have that.” She nodded, probably smiling at the thought of having her babies be so close.

“Why aren’t you at work?” I asked taking a large bite of croissant  and savoring every second of the way it melted in my mouth.

“I'm taking a long lunch. What about you?” she asked.

“It’s morning.” I smirked. “And I don’t have anything booked for today.” Mom narrowed her eyes on me and for a second I saw the Ava Lindsell that most people? Thought was one of the most intimidating women on the planet, even though I knew she was a super softie instead.

“Can’t you tell me anything real?” she asked, raising a brow. I felt my lips curl up into a grin as I shrugged.

“I'm kind of seeing someone.” I admitted and she blinked.

“Kind of seeing someone?” she looked apprehensive and so I reworded it.

“Again. I'm kind of seeing someone again.” I bit my lip and then leaned back against the chair. “Jackson Daniels. He’s a photographer.” Mom blinked, she obviously knew of him, he was famous in his field which was of course, our field as well.

“I thought you had a crush on Ben’s friend Tristan.” I rolled my eyes.

“That’s old news mom. And a lost cause.”  She let out what sounded like a sigh of relief and I wondered if she’d done her homework on him too.

"Well how are things going with this new boy?" she asked, smiling at me as I rolled my eyes.

"Please don't call him a boy, that makes him sound young,"

"Compared to me? You're all young," she pointed out with a wink. I sighed but was still smirking. Unlike my mother? I couldn’t wait to be her age. I already knew I’d still be pretty with her genes and by then you have it all, career, family, grandkids even.  I couldn’t wait.

"What's with all the prying lately?" I asked, finishing my last bite and shooting her a look that dad called my “Ava glare”. Apparently he got it a lot.

"Prying? I'm your mom, can't I ask what's going on in my children’s lives?" she asked flatly probably pouting over the fact that we were no longer her babies who told her everything. "You two make me sound so horrible."

"You're not bad mom," I stood up and wrapped my arms around her from behind, pressing a kiss against her cheek before walking over to the fridge. "And while I don't mind sharing? You're never going to get much out of Ben... did you know that he's planning a trip to Côte d'Azur and won't even let me go?"

"Yes, it was my idea," she answered while I widened my eyes. It wasn’t fair. I wanted to go too. See what happens when I'm around my mother? I start thinking like a kid too.  "Not the part about not inviting you, but the trip in general. Those two deserve a vacation and it'd be good for Gabriel."

“It would be good for me too! I love Cote d’Azur.” I pouted and my mom smiled at me.

“I asked him to invite you and he said you wouldn’t want to go!” I shot a look back at her.

“Why the hell not?”

“Chloe.” She said sternly, almost out of habit by now since it wasn’t as if she never cursed.

“This is just one more thing I’ll have to tell my therapist. No one wants to go on vacation with me.” I pouted and my mother rose a brow at me.

“Therapist?” Fuck. Mom had a way of making me more comfortable then I should be and let things out that I’d tell to Cami…not my mom.

“Ben’s idea.” I shrugged it off, playing like it was no big deal when actually I hated the idea and was dreading it.

“Oh.” She said looking at her broken up crossiant. “He didn’t tell me.”

“I told him not to.” I replied, deciding to change the subject. “Do you want some water?” 

"No," Mom said quietly, as I grabbed herself a bottle of water from the fridge then turned back around to face her. I looked at the hurt expression and sighed. I didn’t want to hurt her. That was the whole point.

"Mom... it's not like we're conspiring against you."

"I never said that," she replied, standing up and sliding her purse strap up to her forearm. "Well, I better get back to work." And they said I was a drama queen. Looks like it ran in the family.

"Stop," I said gently, crossing my arms over my chest with the bottle still in my hand. "I don't have problems, I'm fine."

"If you truly believed that you were fine? You wouldn't go to therapy. Hell, you wouldn't even go to the family session I had scheduled when you came back home. But if you want to keep whatever secrets -"

"Mom," I cut her off, narrowing my gaze on her. "The whole reverse psychology thing won't work on me, so sit down and finish your croissant." Mom set her bag back down but kept standing,

"What's going on in your life? Is it the new guy you're seeing?"

"No."

"And I thought Ben told me nothing."

I tilted my head to the side as I looked at my mother. Still naturally beautiful, at least I knew I’d have my looks for a while, she never even had any work done.

“Trust me mom, you don’t want to know everything about me.” I said softly, giving her a weak smile. I was close to my mom, closer than most twenty somethings but I was pretty sure nothing good would come with opening up to her about this one. But she reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear and held my face in the palm of her cheek.

“I had morning sickness with your for 2 trimesters and was in labor for 36 hours.” She said in a deceptively sweet voice. “I deserve to know everything about you.” I started laughing, shaking my head at that and then looking up at her.

“One more thing to love Ben more for.” I knew all too well he’d been the easiest pregnancy in the world since she’d remind me how awful mine had been every day almost.

“What are you talking about?” Mom asked, giving me one hell of a confused look. I shrugged.

“Oh you know I know Ben is the golden child and I'm just the spoiled little princess who deosn’t do anything but embarrass you.”

“….is that why you’re in therapy? Because you think  we love you less than Ben?” I shook my head.

“No. And I don’t think you love me less. I just know you like me less.” I teased….then again half of the things people joked about were true. After all Ben overcame great odds, stood up to the challenge when life handed him obstacles. Me? I just got wasted. Not exactly something you could be proud of, and as much as I wanted them to be proud of my career? I always kind of knew that her and dad would rather I did something else.

"That's the same thing Chloe and I'm offended that you'd have such an awful thought like that," she said seriously, looking offended and hurt at the same time.

“It's a joke mom. Don't get so worked up over it."

"Kind of hard not to," she muttered to herself looking like she was having some kind of a mental mid life crises.

"Do you think I love you less because of all the mistakes you've made? No one is perfect Chloe. When I was your age? I was awful."

"I know, but -"

"But nothing," mom cut me off. "You're my daughter and I am always going to love you. I'll always support you and be here for you. If I've made you think anything less, then I'm sorry for that."

“Thanks for the speech mom, but you weren’t awful at my age. You were never awful.” She rose a brow at me.

“Well apparently I made my daughter think I favor her brother so I'm awful now.” I rolled my eyes.

“Stop that. I don’t think you favor Ben, though if you did I’d understand. I favor him over me too.” Mom shook her head.

“That sounds nothing like my cocky daughter.” She said seriously, reaching out and pushing my bangs out of my face. “And you don’t know how I was.” 

“Oh?” I asked, widening my eyes and tilting my head at my mom. “Because the worst thing I can dig up on you is that you can be a bitch and that you and dad need to stop trying to grope each other in public because some people like to take pictures” I said, wincing a little.

“What did you do google me?” I looked back at her,

“Like mother like daughter.” I gave her a slow grin and grabbed her hands. “I love you mom but if you knew what went on in my head? You’d probably lock me in a mental institution.”

“But-“

“Want to go watch a tv movie and cuddle on the couch like old times?” I asked, changing the subject to something I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist.

"I think I'll pass this time... I feel unwanted." Drama queen again. I threw my hands up into the air and matched her sigh.

"Mom, it's not like that!"

"Not like what? You pushing me away? You telling me that you're going to therapy and that your thoughts are so bad you need to be locked up in a mental institution, but the moment I ask you to open up about it, you close up?" she stared at me, looking like she was trying to read my thoughts. Honestly I wouldn’t be all that surprised if she could.  But she also looked so sad. I’d never seen mom like this. Usually she was always Ava Lindsell but right now she looked like a mom who’d been hurt by her daughter. I felt like a bitch. I bit my lip and looked at the ground.

“You have to know I'm not exactly the most stable 23 year old mom. You do have that file.” I gave her a weak smile and she returned it, cupping my face with her hand as I looked into eyes that I saw every day in the mirror.

“And you still never talk to me. You haven’t talked to me since you were a teenager.” I swallowed thickly.

“You had other things to worry about.” I replied, knowing that inside a part of me was aching to reach out to my mother, to have her hold me, to have her tell me anything to make me feel better like she’d always do when I scraped my knee or got a bad grade.

“Baby…nothing is more important than my family. Nothing is more important to your father and I than you and Ben and little Gabriel. Nothing.”

“You can’t tell dad.” I whispered, my voice breaking slightly. Mom held my hands, squeezing them as she bent down to look at me.

“Can’t tell him what?”

“I was stupid. I was a stupid girl and you didn’t raise a stupid girl.”

“Honey you’re not stupid. You’re far from it.”

“Would you have let a guy who told you he loved you beat you up?” I asked, flinching as I said it. Mom didn’t say anything. “No of course you wouldn’t. Because you’re too smart for that.”

"Chloe," mom choked out, "Who? How?" She started, sounding like Ben…except less on the verge of commiting a felony. I shook my head, holding strong because I wasn’t going to just break down again. It was pathetic.

"It doesn't matter mom, it's over. It's been over for years," I said a little louder to convince myself as much as my mother.

"It matters," she said seriously, taking both of my hands before letting go just as quickly and wrapping her arms around me tightly. "Of course it matters. Someone hurt you and that's not right baby. Are you okay? Who was he and when did this happen?" she rushed out in one breath trying to make sense of something I was pretty sure I still hadn’t made sense of myself.  

"Mom," I started and stopped as I noticed the tears in her eyes. Shit. This is what I hadn’t wanted…."I'm so sorry Chloe," she said quietly, caressing my hair and making me feel like a kid but….but in a good way. "I'm sorry baby." I swallowed and tried to tell her it was okay, that I was fine. But honestly? I was so tired of lying. So instead I let myself cuddle up in my mom’s arms and felt tears finally falling down my face.

“I'm sorry.” I whispered, feeling her hands running over my hair again and again.

“It wasn’t your fault baby….” She pulled me closer and kissed my head. “Why didn’t you talk to me?....Who…”

“It was a long time ago.” I whispered. Mom pulled back reaching for my hands and walking me over to the couch where she could hold me tighter.

“I don’t care when it was Chloe. I want to know.” I nodded, then told her the whole story all the way up to when I told Ben. She listened quietly, slow tears running down her face and killing me. I hated hurting her and I knew hearing this hurt her….but I also felt it slowly healing me. I knew it was selfish, but it felt so nice.

“You’re saying that this….” She took a deep breath. “That he is here in Paris?” I nodded.

“I haven’t seen him since.” I wiped my eyes and then leaned my head back against my mom’s shoulder. “I'm sorry I couldn’t be better. I'm sorry I couldn’t be perfect like Ben like you and Dad.” Mom laughed weakly.

“You think we’re perfect? Baby don’t be ridiculous. Your brother? Is lying to everyone and to himself about how he feels about Cami. And your father and I? We made more mistakes growing up than you can even imagine.” I shook my head.

“Because you didn’t realize you were in love right away? That’s not a mistake that’s romantic.” I sighed.

"It wasn't always," she said honestly, looking like she was remembering back. I’d never really been in love but I knew there was a time where she had thought dad and her would never be together. I saw the same pain on Ben’s face every time he had to drop off Gabe at Cami’s. It looked worse than never having loved at all.  “No one is perfect, everyone has their own faults."

"Are you actually admitting to that?" I asked, looking up at my mom with a smirk since she very rarely admitted to actual faults.

"You do realize that besides your father? My only friend was Harper." I laughed quietly, nuzzling against her as she pressed another kiss against the top of my head,

"That's because you were a bitch... nothing wrong with that. I'm one too."

"You're not," she shook her head. "You're smart instead, and strong, stronger than I could ever be." I swallowed, pulling back and looking at my mom, because the person she was describing? It wasn’t me….

“I'm not... not at all."

"You are," she reassured. "You went through an awful experience and it made you into the strong woman you are today. I'm proud of you. I don't say it enough, but I am.” I blinked.

“For what?” I asked, wanting my parents to be proud of me more than anything but knowing I didn’t deserve it.

“Are you kidding? Chloe you are one of the strongest women I know. When tabloids would say sh.it about me I’d basically go into my room and cry and then act like a bit.ch to pretend to be strong.” I tried not to smirk but I’d never heard my mother curse so much in one sentence and it was pretty amusing. “But you? I'm pretty sure you’ve been called every name in the book no matter how much we try and threaten reporters and yet still you don’t care, and you’re kind, so kind to everyone.” I swallowed.

“What they were saying was true…it’s different.” Mom shook her head.

“No. What they were saying was a part of a life that they didn’t know the rest of. That you didn’t let anyone know the rest of and I'm guessing it was to protect us from hurting….or am I wrong?” I swallowed.

“Well I was right…it did hurt you. And Ben.”

“But it hurt you more. Look at you baby, you struggled for a little bit but look at you now. You know more about child care than me and your father because you read every book on the planet preparing for your nephew who you treat like a prince, you have a career that rivals mine and lets be honest that’s saying something.” She smirked and I laughed.

“I thought you and dad didn’t want me to model…” I swallowed thickly but mom shook her head.

“I don’t want Ben to model because it’s not what makes him happy. But you love it. You might have always been a daddy’s girl Chloe but you’re still my daughter and I see the same spark in you when you’re walking down a runway that I felt when I would do it.”

“Really?” I smiled at my mom, feeling like this was the most real conversation we’d had in years. She cupped my face in her hands.

“Really really my sweet princess.” She kissed my nose and I wrinkled it before snuggling into my mom’s arms but I still felt like I was holding back. I guess once I opened my mouth I didn’t want to shut it but honestly? I hated shutting it. I was an open person and my mom was one of my best friends….and I had pushed her away. I didn’t want to do that anymore.

“If we’re being all open and honest today you should probably know that Jackson Daniels full name is Jackson Daniels-Leferve....” I trailed off. “Super weird I know.” Mom took a minute to just stare at me and then she laughed.

“That is pretty weird.” She agreed, looking lost in a thought. I turned to her.

“Did Dad really seduce you away from his best friend under his nose?” I asked, remembering all to well what Jack said his dad told him.

"Is that what Jackson told you?" mom lifted an eyebrow, looking like she was about to start laughing. I nodded,

"That's what his dad said... and that you were one hell of a woman to get over." Mom grinned,

"Well that much is true, but Corey never seduced me away from his best friend. It wasn't like that."

"No?" I smirked back.

"Your father was my best friend, sure he was Killian's too, but his intentions were never bad," I said seriously, not wanting my daughter to get the wrong idea of how her father and I got together. "Plus I made the first move on him..." I wrinkled her nose,

"Alright, I think I've heard enough." mom laughed softly and pressed a kiss against my forehead, as I relaxed against her.

"Do you think it's weird though? Me dating Jackson, since his dad and you... and dad..."

 "Does he make you happy?"

“I don’t really know yet.” I admitted. “But he did once.” Mom looked back at me.

“What do you mean?” I shrugged.

“I met Jackson first when I was 19 and kept it together enough to go to school again. He was the first guy who wanted me for more than being with a model for a day or…. for who you and dad are.” I shrugged and my mom gave me a sad face but I squeezed her hand. “Not that that was your fault. I spent a lot of time using my name to get me into all the parties and places so I could  forget.”

“Oh baby.” She shook her head. “I want you to know I'm never going to tell you who you can be friends with or date. But promise me that if anything ever happens to you like that again that you’ll come to me. I will help you. Always.” I nodded.

“I'm sorry.” I buried my head in my mom’s neck, breathing in her familiar scent that was so comforting as she held me.

“Tell me how you knew dad was the one.” I asked and she laughed.

“I’ve told you that 100 times Chloe.” I nodded.

“I know but it’s so romantic, tell me again.” I asked looking up at her and smiling as she gave me a look.

“I swear I'm looking at 5 year old Chloe right now.” she shook her head and leaned in to nuzzle my nose.

“I'm waiting.” I smirked. Mom licked her lips, her expression going glassy. I always said Alere eyes were super expressive, Ben, Mom, Ames, even Gabe, you could pretty much tell what they were thinking from the look in their eyes.

"I was living in New York, I took a year off from modeling," she started. "I got to the point where I felt like there was nothing for me in Paris... but I couldn't stop thinking about your dad. I missed him."

"Then you came back for him, something straight out of a movie and he shot you down," I finished for her with a grin even though I knew he went after her not long after telling a reporter he loved her of all the silly things.

"Yes," Mom wrinkled her nose then grinned. "Thank you for reminding me." I let out a laugh then smiled at her,

"Do you know why I love that story?"

"Why?”

"Because it's real," I said simply. "You two were best friends, none of that fairytale bullshit, and you guys fell in love. It's not ideal, but you overcame a lot together and that's what makes it romantic."

"And then we had two gorgeous babies," she smiled at me before kissing my forehead again. "It sounds like a fairytale after all."