chemical party lover down

chemical party lover down by ssaarah 

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing….somewhere. I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it since the sun was pouring through my bedroom window. Only this wasn’t my bedroom. I rubbed my eyes and stood up, looking around the messy room for my phone which I found under my panties. Huh.

“Yeah?” I answered without even reading who it was.

“Where the fu.ck are you?” …..Ben. I looked around the room then back to the bed where a seriously good looking man was waking up and grinning at me. Well at least I had good taste.

“I'm not sure.” I admitted my head pounding.

“Good god Chloe.” I heard the frustration in my brothers voice but I couldn’t be bothered to care. My brother’d had a stick up his as.s since he knocked up my best friend while I was in New York and he had his own problems to deal with. He should stop worrying so much about me.

“Relax Ben I'm fine.”

“Oh because you sound like you’re still wasted.” I made a face since I didn’t feel wasted, I felt like I was coming way down and I didn’t like it.

“Did you need something?” I snapped.

“You’re late to Cami’s baby shower.” I scrunched up my face.

“That’s not until Sunday.” I replied seriously.

“It IS Sunday.” Was his curt reply. I sighed and looked around the room for the rest of my clothes.

“Fuc.k. Give me 30 minutes.” I hung up on my brother and looked back at the guy.

“I'm Jude by the way.” He shot me a sexy grin and I grinned back at him.

“Chloe.” I replied but he just nodded.

“I know who you are.” I bit down on my lip as I slipped my panties and my phone back into my bag.

“I gotta go…” I said awkwardly and he shrugged.

“Too bad.” Yeah, like he was really all that upset about it. I sighed and then turned back to him.

“You have anything to take the edge off this hangover before I go to a family event?” The guy laughed and nodded.

“How strong to you want the edge of?” I ran my tongue over my teeth.

“Give me the best you’ve got.”

**

Ben opened the door as soon as I rang the bell and he glanced at me, his face turning into one of frustration and my favorite, pity.

"Good god." he muttered under his breath.

"What?" I asked but my voice came out so raspy that I cleared my throat and tried again, "What Ben?!" My brother groaned and grabbed me by the elbow, closing the door behind us and leading me down the hall to his bedroom. 

"Keep quiet." he muttered under his breath as I walked with him. I muttered something about how having a baby shower in a bedroom was silly but when we go there it was just me and Ben.

"Why are we here?" I asked simply, he just looked back at me as if I was the biggest idiot on earth.

"Because you're still drunk, dressed like a..." he trailed off, shaking his head and running his hands through his perfect hair. "Mom's in the living room along with half of our family, you can't show up like this." I just glared at my brother, well as much as I could seeing as how I was feeling pretty foggy.

“Show up like what?” I asked him, folding my arms over my chest.

“Like you’re at a club and not a party.” He said finally, obviously being the nicest thing he could come up with saying.

“Where’s Cami?” I asked and he glared at me again.

“I'm not bringing Cami into this she’s 8 months pregnant.” I rolled my eyes, like she was some kind of glass object because she had a baby inside of her? Even she would hate being treated that way but of course Ben the over-protector.

“If you don’t like what I'm wearing I'm going to have to borrow some of Cami’s clothes.” I said in a slow drawn out voice that was meant to make him feel stupid but probably just made him think I was high.

“Fine. And wash your face you look like a damned panda.” He shook his head as I called out after him.

“I was going for panda!” I shouted, walking into his bathroom and running some water over my face before looking in the mirror and not loving it.

“Here.” He shoved a black tee shirt and a pair of jeans from Cami’s pre-preggo wardrobe and swallowed.  “You look like shi.t Chlo.” He commented. I shrugged.

“Well I feel fine, but thanks for the brotherly love.” I gave him a fake smile before shutting the door to change out of the black bandage dress and into Cami’s clothes. I hated the look on his face. Like he wanted to save me or something. I was way beyond saving at this point.

“What’s going on with you? Seriously?” I opened the door, pulling my hair into a high bun and shrugging.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit.” He spat. “This morning you didn’t know where you were or what day it was. If that’s not fucked up? Than what is? I'm trying to help here Chloe but you have to work with me!” I swallowed, looking back at the pity in Ben’s eyes and knowing he probably was just trying to help.

“What do you want me to say Ben?” He took a deep breath, his version of counting to ten instead of just blowing up.

"What's wrong Chloe?" he asked finally as he sat down on the edge of his bed, staring up at me. I was so not getting into this now. 

“Nothing's wrong." I spat back, the only thing I ever did with Ben these days was fight and I hated it because he used to be one of my best friends, brother or not.

"It must be something, you weren't like this when you left for New York." No. I wasn’t. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. 

"Again?" I asked,  my obvious annoyance evident in my tone.

"Again what?" Ben blinked.  Didn’t he understand that if I wanted to tell him what had happened I would have already? That I didn’t even want to think about it?!

"You keep saying 'like this' and I don't know what you're talking about Ben." I lied. 

"Are you stupid?" Ben asked with an eyebrow raised. I glared at him more, mostly because yes. I was. I was a stupid girl and even my family could tell.

"Can you please stop treating me like this? I didn't come here to hear you insult me or give me one of your lectures! I don't need either!" I yelled but regretted it instantly since it made my head throb.

"I give up on you." He said flatly, in a sigh.  Oh if only.

"Yeah, you say that everytime but never do it." I rolled my eyes as I leaned against the wall behind me, looking back at them but keeping my face void of any feelings which was easy given the pill cocktail I’d been given before I came. Ben closed his eyes like he was praying or something. I swear he was lucky he was having a kid because he was more like a dad every day. An overprotective crazy dad.

"Because I love you and I care about you." he said eventually.

“Yes. I know you do Ben.” I nodded. He looked at me.

“But if you keep acting this way-“ Oh my god.  Enough!

“Acting this way?! Like I'm some big giant fuck up?! I'm not the teenager having a baby shower Ben!”

“Chloe.” He warned.

“You act like I'm jumping off the deep end here but even when I'm wasted off my ass I can still remember to wear a condom!!!” Ben stood up, his warm eyes going ice cold as he looked at me. “Or did you knock her up on purpose? Maybe you were afraid you weren’t enough to keep her on your own?”

“You’re going to want to stop talking.” His voice was low and dangerous like I’d never heard it before but fuc.k him. I wasn’t the only screw up in this family, he just looked better because he stepped up.

“Not on purpose then? So you’re just a selfish asshole who’s ruining Cami’s life for no reason?! Even better. Don’t you talk to me about being “like this” at least I'm still going to have a semblance of a life in a month. That’s more than I can say for either of you.” If I was being honest I was jealous. Not of Cami’s early pregnancy of course but of how they were. In love, happy, starting a family. My life was nothing compared to theirs and part of me hated them for it and it was all spewing out as word vomit from my stupid mouth. Ben just started at me. His eyes wide and shocked. I’d never blown up at him like that before but I had to admit most of my feelings were true. He fucked up. Big time but ever since everyone treated him like a fucking hero and I was sick of it.

"Get out of here." Ben’s ice cold voice said, bringing me out of my mind as I looked back at him.

"You can't kick me out." I said in a laugh, smirking at his serious face that was such a joke.

"I can. It's my apartment and my life, I want you out of both." ….wait what?  "Whatever happened to you it doesn't give you any right to treat me like this, I despise this version of you and I don't want you around me, Cami, or our baby."

"Ben-" I started because he was sounding much more serious than any of the other silly threats he’d given me in the past year but he cut me off.

"I'm serious, you won't get to see him or know him, I don't want him to be even close to someone I don't trust and who thinks that he's going to ruin our lives." he said, and his eyes matched the seriously dangerous tone of his voice and I knew he was serious. “Get out Chloe."

“Are you seriously trying to kick me out of your life?” I asked, shocked and so hurt I felt like I was drowning.

“If that’s what it takes to make a life for my son.” His eyes were still cold and I looked around the room wondering if I was dreaming or something. My family? Was everything to me. They were all I had.

“What the hell are you going to tell him about me?!” I asked.

“I won’t tell him about you.”

“So what he’ll just not know you have a sister? Mom and Dad won’t allow that Ben. Cami won’t either.”

“Mom and Dad are not in charge of how I raise my child and Cami will want what’s best for him.”

“And that’s not me?!”

“I’d rather him think you didn’t exist than have to deal with the fact that you’re a drugged up drunk who just gives it away.” Woah. That hit me straight in the gut. And even through it was true? I reached out and slapped Ben across the face.

“You’re supposed to be my brother.” I said, feeling tears falling down my face slowly. He at least had the decency to look ashamed, looking like he was holding on to his words as tight as he could.

“And you’re supposed to be my sister. My sister? Isn’t like this. My sister is fun and loud, and talented and a dreamer. Even a little naughty sometimes but she never crossed the line. You’re so far over the line now you can’t even fucking see it.”

“So what? You’re just done with me?” I asked, the tears I couldn’t stop still falling.

“You have a month. Clean up your act or I'm done with you.”

“….You’ll let me be an aunt if I get better?” I asked, widening my eyes and this close to begging him to let me see the nephew I already loved with all my heart.  He stared at me, looking like he was trying to have an argument with himself in his mind.

"We'll see." Ben said weakly, clearly hating being the bad guy and I could tell.

"Ben please, give me a chance." I literally begged, something I never did but I was desperate. "Don't cut me out of his life, I can get better, I promise."

 "Your words mean nothing to me." His voice was practically emotionless at this point and I felt myself sobbing as I tried to breathe normally, not being able to handle the thought of losing people that meant more to me than anyone. I hid my face in my hands, trying to stop my crying as I spoke.

"Please." I managed to breathe out, my voice trembling and muffled.

"I need you to show me that you're changed Chlo." Ben said in a softer tone, I bit down on my lip, trying to stop crying and wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, even if it was useless.

"I will, I want to be there for him." I breathed out in a tiny voice that wasn’t mine at all.

"I hope so." Ben paused and all I could do was think of the awful things I’d said to him. How he wasn’t enough for Cami….how he’d ruined both of their lives. I might be jealous of Ben but I didn’t believe either of those things. Cami loved him and they were going to make a wonderful family.  "Gabriel deserves to have a decent aunt." He said finally and I blinked up, finally looking athim as I sniffed back my tears.

"Gabriel?"

 "That's what we're calling him." he explained curtly, breaking eye contact and running his hands through his hair again.

“Oh my god.” I felt tears falling down my face again but this time it was happy tears, with a name I could see him with Ben’s eyes, Cami’s smile….it was a perfect name. “It’s perfect.”

“Ben?” Cami peeked her head into the room and lit up when she saw me. “Chlo you made it!! Are those my clothes?” she wobbled into the room, so pregnant she looked like she was about to burst, funny thing was it was only her tummy that got big, the rest of her had stayed tiny. It was freaking adorable.

“Actually Chloe was just leaving.” Ben said in the cold voice he had been using before. I looked back at him.

“You’re not even going to let me stay?” I asked softly and I saw his eyes soften for nothing less than a few seconds before going cold again.

“You’re not even sober now.” he said shaking his head.

“Oh Chloe….” Cami gave me a look of pity and concern that I hated seeing on her pretty face. “She can stay Ben…” but Ben shook his head.

“She knows what she has to do if she wants to be in our place.” I swallowed thickly. Vowing to make an effort. After all I wasn’t an addict. I was just using partying to forget. I could throw myself into my family and get the same effect right?

“Just let me get your gift.” I reached into my bag to pull out the small blue box, handing it over to Cami. Ben blinked at me.

“You had time to get a gift and not to change your clothes?” I swallowed, ignoring the cold voice and shrugging.

“I ordered it months ago and picked it up on the way here instead of going home.” Cami gasped at the little Tiffany’s baby rattle. “I’ve already paid to get it engraved…now that you’ve named him.” I gave a weak smile to my best friend and my brother before swallowing. “I should go.”

"No, don't go." Cami protested, pulling me into a side hug and glaring at her boyfriend in the process. "You have to stay."

"Ben's right-" I started as I pulled away desperate to prove what a good girl I was going to be.

"Ben's going to regret it if he doesn't let you stay." Cami said, giving me a warm smile that melted my heart and reminded me of my very first friend asking if I wanted to hold hands as we crossed the street.  "And your gift is adorable, thank you."

“Ben has a mouth and a head to speak his mind on his own."  My brother said, though in a voice that was coated with sugar instead of ice since Cami was in the room.

"Then use it." Cami replied, always super sassy even though she came off as shy and soft spoken, probably only Ben and I knew better. No wonder he loved her so much. She waddled up to him and gave him a soft kiss before realizing we needed to talk alone again. 

"I'll see you in the other room."  Ben and I stared at each other for a bunch of seconds, me wondering what his next move would be now that he was playing the bad guy.

"Go take a shower. You still smell like alcohol and sex and you have yesterday's make up, mom can't see you like this. You know where to find everything, I'll get you something for your hangover in the meantime." he said in one breath, taking his eyes away from me and sounding so tired. "You can stay Chlo, but it doesn't change what I told you earlier."

“I’ll surprise you.” Ben looked at me with a confused look on his face and stepped closer to me.

“You being a good sister wouldn’t surprise me Chlo. This version of you does.” He shook his head with mixed emotions on his handsome face before walking out of the room. I took a quick shower, spending a little extra time with Cami’s endless supply of makeup to make sure I looked fresh and clean instead of the awful person I really was. I was back in Cami’s clothes, towel drying my hair when I noticed Ames’ fiancé rummaging through my bag.

“Hey….” I said slowly. She jumped looking up at me and grinning.

“I was um…looking for a tampon.” She ran her fingers through her hair and I ran my tongue over my lips.

“You don’t need to lie to me Odette. We’ve hung out before you could just ask.” I said, wondering if my Uncle knew just how much his pretty girl partied. She gave me a weak smile.

“I knew I liked you for a reason.” She grinned and I shook my head and grabbed the few things out of my bag that I needed before handing it to her.

“Take the whole thing. I don’t need whatever’s in it anymore I was just going to flush it anyways.” The girl blinked at me and I wondered if I should have anyways. Then again whatever Jude gave me wasn’t all that strong anyways, unless she took it all she couldn’t hurt herself and if she was smart enough to keep Ames out of the loop she was smart enough not to do that.

“Are you out of your mind?” I shrugged as Cami peeked her head in.

“When do I get best friend time?!” she asked, beaming at me. Pregnancy suited her more than it should. I took the hand she was offering and walked into the living room.

“Hey baby I wondered when you’d get here.” Mom said scooping me up and kissing my forehead softly as I rested into her warm body. I’d missed my mom.”Tu m’as tellement manqué”  she whispered, reading my mind.

“Moi aussi maman” I grinned and pressed a kiss against her cheek softly. I felt Ben’s eyes on me, watching me carefully like I knew he would be for the next month. Fortunately with a baby so close to here he probably wouldn’t have all that much time…but still.

“What have you been up to?” Ben gave me a look and I shrugged.

“Nothing really.” I gave her a weak smile and Cami started talking emphatically about how she’d come home to the baby room all ready last week. A present from her doting boyfriend.

“You’d think cribs would be easier to put together but I swear it took me all day.” Ben joked, causing our family and friends to laugh appreciatively and Cami to beam at him. He cupped her face and pressed a kiss against her lips before lowering his head to kiss her stomach too. “It was worth it though.” Mom piped in.

“He called Corey to help.” She smirked and we laughed again, imagining how frustrated Ben would be trying to put together a mobile and how our easy going father would make it look simple.

"More like he offered help and he wouldn't accept no as answer." Ben sighed, being silly because really, I'm sure he loved it.

"He's a stubborn man."

 "Reminds me of someone." Ben said a little too quickly as he glared at me before softening when Cami reached out for his hand. 

"He got better, you should have known him when he was young." Mom said back and looked at dad with so much love it made my heart ache. It was the same look Ben and Cami gave to each other, the same look Cami’s parents gave to each other. No one had ever looked at me like that…no one ever would. But that didn’t matter because I was going to be the best damn aunt on earth. I’d prove it. 

"There's still hope after all."

present;

I opened the door when I heard Ben coming up the stairs to his place, grinning at him and walking back into the kitchen. 

"Are you two killing someone?" he smirked looking over the room and listening to Gabe’s squeals.

"No, we're getting everything ready to kill you instead." I stuck my tongue out at my brother and headed back to where she had come.

"Hilarious, really." he grinned as he followed me, his eyes going wide as he saw that my kitchen now looked like a tornado had gone through it. Flour everyone, literally and ingredients strewn across the large space. 

"What are you doing little man?" Ben asked, his son who was wrist deep in dough a my brother walked up to kiss his forehead and I stirred the sauce.

"Aunt Chloe and I are making pizza!" He explained, excitement in his voice.

"So you're really trying to kill me, uh?" he teased since he knew I was 5 times the cook he was. Admittedly it was harder with a five year old, but also much more fun.

"We bought everything, how hard can it be put everything together?" I asked back with a wink and ignored his joke, as I grinned at Gabe. I loved being with my family but there was just something about spending time with my nephew. He was perfect adorable and brilliant, but besides that? I couldn’t help but give him credit for pulling me back on my feet, and even though he didn’t actually do anything to help? I’d always be grateful.

"Can I help?" Ben aske Gabe who shook his head.

"No!" He said stubbornly, "We're making dinner for you, it was aunt Chloe's idea." Ben looked  back at me and smiled.

"You're a good aunt, aunt Chloe." Gabe waddled up and wrapped his arms around my neck making me melt a little even though he was getting all sorts of flour in my hair.

“You’re my favorite!!!” he said, squeezing me as I wrapped my arms around his tiny body and squeezed back.

“Oh I'm going to tell Milena you said that.” I smirked and Gabe’s eyes went wide and his mouth turned into a liitle o that was so cute I just wanted to rain kisses all over his perfect little face.

“I have two favorites!!!!” he exclaimed with a smile as both Ben and I chuckled. I gave him the sauce I had made the day before from the fridge and handed him a spoon.

“Okay, put the sauce all over the dough. And be careful.” I added though at this point I was going to have to hire a professional cleaner for all the messy fun we’d had. I turned around to Ben as Gabe very carefully started spooning sauce onto the dough that looked more like a map of some country than a circle.

“You look cute.” He said, motioning towards my flour covered sweats. I shrugged.

“Worth it.” I grinned back at him both of us watching Gabe as he worked. “How did you manage to make something so perfect?” I teased him and he laughed.

“It was 50% Cami.” He replied seriously and I nodded my head.

“Ahhh yes. That would make anything perfect.” I winked, always one to let my brother know what was good for him. He rolled his eyes but he was still smiling.

“I told mom.” I said offhandedly, knowing he’d know what I was talking about and blinking as he looked away from his son and towards me.

"You told mom...?" he trailed off,  repeating my words as I nodded and bent over Gabe to help with the sauce.

"Yes." I said simply as I smiled at him before looking back at Ben.

"How did it go?" he asked slowly. Honestly? It had been like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Not only was I not keeping the secret but to know my mother was proud of me? I’d needed that. I’d needed that for years. I sighed and shrugged, not looking at Ben as I opened the fridge to grab mozzarella.

“I'm glad I told her, I feel lighter now." I answered quietly.

"I love grand-mere." Gabe said out of nowhere, surprising us since he looked so focused on making his pizza that I had no idea he was listening too.  He was such a smart cutie. I let out a chuckle, and kissed the top of his head.

"She loves you too cutie." I said before cutting mozzarella into pieces and passing them to him. Ben watched them silently for a few moments.

“What about dad?" he asked quietly, raising one eyebrow at me. I took a deep breath.

“Dad is next.” I said, swallowing thickly at just the thought of it.

“He’s going to lock up and never let you out.” Ben joked but the look on his face? It looked like he was only half kidding. I moved far enough away from Gabe so that even with his super ears he couldn’t hear.

“He’s going to ask me where he is….who he is. He’ll want to hurt him.” I said shaking my head.

“I know the feeling.” Ben said darkly. “If I had known that day in the park….” He shook his head, his hands slowly rolling out of the fists he had made while he watched his son.

“But that’s not going to help me Ben. As much as I’d love to just be over it? Hurting Sam isn’t the answer.”

“He hurt you.” He reminded me and I swallowed, my ribs hurting as if I was there all over again.

“And I have to live with that. But as long as he’s not hurting me now and as long as  he’s not a danger to me? I don’t want anything to do with him.” Ben nodded and looked at me for a second before running his hand through his hair. “What?” I asked, knowing that was Ben speak for “I have something to say but don’t know how to say it.”

“You’re just really something Chlo.” He said giving me a smile as he wrapped his arm around my waist in a silly side hug.

“I'm still awful instead.” I joked back at him and he laughed before freeing me from his hug.

"I said you're something but you didn't let me finish, you're something awful." he added with a grin. I stuck my tongue out at him, not bothering to take offense because I didn’t mind teasing. I cared what he actually thought of me and I knew that was mostly good even if he wouldn’t admit it. 

"Say that again and you'll have no pizza." I threatened, giving him a mock serious face as  I glanced at Gabe whose pizza looked like a masterpiece. He looked proud, and tired too.

"It's ready." He announced as he set his hands on his hips, giving us a huge smile.

"Aunt Chloe said I can't have it." Ben told him, keeping a straight face and glancing at  me from the corner of his eye as I rolled mine while I put the pizza in the oven. 

"No, she's good and she always shares." Gabe said seriously, reassuring his father.

"Oh cutie." I beamed at him, messing with his hair.

"I'm not a cutie! Maman is!" He protested making me widen my eyes as I wondered where he’d learned that his mother was a cutie. She was of course.

"I'm going to wash my hands, they're sticky." He said matter-of-factly and ran away, leaving me alone with me brother to tease him as I started the process of cleaning.

"Cami is a cutie, uh?" I said slowly, getting nothing but a shrug from him. "That must be the reason why you're taking her on vacation."  I pouted, still a little hurt I wasn’t invited, but it wasn’t like they were taking mom and dad too and just leaving me out. Still.

"We're taking Gabe on vacation instead." He corrected.

"Uh." I muttered unintelligently, "Can you take me too?"

"No." Ben said flatly, making me roll my eyes. I knew his reasons were pure. Okay no they weren’t. His reasons for taking Gabe were pure and he didn’t want to catch me checking out Cami in a bikini the whole time. Which I would. 

"Why not?" I asked.

"I want to be alone with Cami." He said with a straight face, smirking when my eyes widened, "And Gabe." he added, ruining the answer that I knew was true instead. Half the things people joked about were true after all. 

"And?" I pushed, not giving up.

"And I'm going to shower now." he kept his grin in place, it only getting bigger when I let out a dramatic sigh, "And I love you." I rolled my eyes again as he left.

“And you owe me a vacation.” I added as I grabbed a broom, but I was smiling still.