this is who I really am I inside

this is who I really am I inside by sassy

"He wanted me to wear white." Finn said seriously, shaking his head in disapproval, "I told him that I couldn't, I'm not a virgin anymore."
"Oh dear god you two are going to kill me." I laughed, setting my hand against his chest casually. I had known Finn since forever, we had met first at some party when we were both at the beginning of ours careers and when, a few months ago, he had asked me to plan the reception of his wedding I couldn't have said no.
“Jules our reservation is in 10 minutes.” Trey cut in the conversation as he walked over us, his tone cold and his eyes glaring at my friend.

I nodded. “I'm ready, Finn this is…this is Trey my….” I paused since we hadn't discussed about where our relationship was, even though in my heart I already knew.
He jumped right in. “I'm her boyfriend.” He said seriously with an edge to his voice he didn’t bother to hide.
I looked up at him, my heart tightening a little not because he had just labeled us but because he looked a lot like the Trey I didn't want to be with, the one who got jealous over literally nothing. “I was just talking to Finn here about his wedding." I explained and I saw him relax instantly.
He looked back at him. “Wedding? Congratulations.”
He nodded. “Paul and I are getting married next weekend and Julia here has planned the most beautiful reception. It’s going to be quite the spectacle.” He winked at me. “Damn you are quite the spectacle yourself…..if I wasn’t getting married in a week…” He trailed off and I smacked his chest again.
“Watch it or I’ll tell on you to your fiancé.”
Finn shrugged. “I think he would appreciate my taste.” He teased. “Have a good dinner you two.”
"You too handsome." I grinned and watched him go away before I turned to Trey. The look on his face was hiding something, he seemed to be ashamed.
"Our table should be ready." He said quietly, too quietly, setting his hand on the small of my back as he led me toward the table. He had chosen the restaurant all by himself and I had to say I was impressed, the place was perfect and exactly the kind I'd pick myself. Still, I had an uncomfortable feeling I couldn't shake off.
I offered a smile, letting him guide me, "I like here." I said quietly as I waited for him to pull out my chair before taking a seat.
"I thought so." He said back with a grin that matched mine, his hand reaching for mine from across the table as he sat in front of me. Our fingers laced together and our eyes locked, both of us quiet for a second as if we were studying each other. "I wanted to surprise you." He added.
I kept smiling, "You did a great job baby, thank you." I said quietly, feeling all of a sudden really tired and lightheaded.
He frowned, his eyes watching me carefully, "You're mad at me, aren't you?" He asked, going straight to the point.
"Why would I be?" I asked back, wanting to know if he realized how bad he had been a bunch of minutes before. It was nothing big, I knew it and I wasn't even really mad, just worried, because I didn't want him to start acting like a crazy jealous boyfriend...again.
He shrugged, turning my hand in his and tracing circles against my palm with his thumb, "You know, because of Finn." He admitted and even if part of me was relieved because at least he was seeing where he was wrong, the other part was still worried and slightly upset.
"I'd appreciate if you weren't jealous of gay men too." I said with a small smile, not wanting to fight even before staring dinner. I opened the menu and scanned it instead, breaking eye contact with my boyfriend and changing the subject. "What will you take?" I asked, feeling a little nauseous even though every dish sounded absolutely delicious. I guessed that stress did that to you sometimes.
Trey took my menu and set it down on the table before looking at me. “I'm so sorry.” He said, wincing and running his hands through his short hair. “I was being so….ridiculous…”
“Yeah.” I nodded, swallowing and then taking a sip from my water glass. I wasn't mad at him, maybe a little upset, but not mad.
“To be fair…any guy would do the same.” He winced. “You’re just so perfect Jules. Any guy would kill to have you.”
“That doesn’t mean you can treat every guy like he would.” I replied slowly, just wanting to talk about it like two adults, without yelling or anything, just reasoning out loud. “Just like I can’t stab our waitress in the neck every time she eyefucks you.”
He grinned slowly and looked back at me. “What?!” He asked incredulously as he smirked back at me.
“It’s true.” I said simply as he ran his thumb over my hand. Despite how much I had always been trying not to be jealous truth was I was, but only because my boyfriend was the sexiest man alive.
“I hate to admit it, but you being jealous is a little flattering.”
I smiled and blushed slowly. “At first maybe.” I shrugged, knowing how our being too jealous had taken us to break up. “I love you Trey. We have to trust each other baby.”
“I do trust you. I swear I do.”
“Are you guys ready?” The waitress was back and grinning at him as he watched me glaring.
“Give us a minute.” He said, not even looking at her.
I watched her walk away, wishing we had a waiter instead. I sighed then moved my eyes back on my love, "See? And that was nothing, at least she was subtle...or trying."
"I see nothing baby, all I see is you." He said quietly, boring his eyes into mine as he brought my hand to his mouth to press a kiss on my knuckles.
"Oh Trey." I whispered as I beamed at him. That was cheesy, I knew it, but the way he said it, the way he was looking at me, with such love and honesty made me believe his words. "Cut it out."
"Never." He winked at me and his smile matched mine, so big and gorgeous that I swear I was falling for him over and over again.
"Silly." I squeezed his hand then glanced at the menu, my eyes able to stay away from his for just a bunch of seconds before staring into his again, "Why did you ask her to give us another minute?"
He just shrugged, "I don't know what to eat yet...do you?" He asked quietly.
"Of course I know what you'll eat." I nodded as I bit back a smirk, trying to keep a straight face, "A t-bone steak with roasted potatoes."
He broke into a laugh that got my heart melting, I loved seeing him like this, "And you'll take fillet, salad aside thanks." He said back, knowing me pretty well.
"Wrong." I smirked as I leaned into him from across the table to kiss his lips quickly, "I'll have a soup instead."
"That's not enough." He frowned, "Are you okay?"
"Yes I am baby." I reassured him, not telling him about my nausea because it wouldn't be romantic and it wasn't necessary anyway. I stared at him, studying his expression, his features, everything about his gorgeous face, while I remembered how different he looked when I had first met him. Always handsome, just...he looked more like a man now.
He raised one eyebrow at me, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because you're handsome." I paused, smiling as I kept watching him closely. "You should be a model."
"Yeah sure." He laughed again, shaking his head, "I'm too old for that anyway."
"You're not old, but I'm glad that I don't have to share you with the rest of the world." I said with a shrug.
“If you want I’ll pose for you.” Trey said slowly, letting the corners of his lips quirk up as I bit my lip.
“Oh yeah?” I asked, tilting my head to the side and letting my hair fall over my shoulder.
“I might even get naked” He shrugged acting casual even if his words weren’t and I grinned even wider.
The thought of him, naked, with his perfect body and his mesmerizing eyes looking at me while I took pictures of him was enough to make me wet. “Would you let me use it for my screensaver?” I asked, my eyes wide and innocent, playing the same game he was.
“If you wanted.” He shrugged. “I have your boobies as mine.”
My eyes widened and I let my jaw drop open before he started laughing. Was he serious? “Trey!!!” I protested even if I knew that he was probably messing with me. He was too jealous to take the risk of anyone catching a glimpse of my naked body from his phone.
He laughed harder and shook his head. “I'm kidding. I have those pictures locked away.” He winked.
I still remembered the day he had taken those shots, we were together on vacation and I had woken up happy and in the best mood ever, full of desire for my man and wanting to give him what he wanted. Which had been naked pictures of me. “I should have asked for those back when we broke up.” I smirked, running my finger slowly around the glass.
“I say you just take some of me and we call it even because you’re never getting those back.” He replied before grabbing my hand and running his thumb along mine. “And we’re never breaking up again anyways.”
“You’re very wise. I want pictures of your booty.” I said, my face flushing as I tried not to laugh. It felt to good to be like this with him again.
He chuckled. “We’ll see.”
“Ready?” the hyper girl asked and we ordered, I was still slightly scowling until she left.
“Do you think she’s pretty?” I asked, tilting my head to the side as I watched her go.
“She’s a baby.” He replied seriously before I turned back to him.
“So was I before you stole away all my innocence.” I smirked and this time he let his jaw drop.
“You make it sound way worse than it was!” He protested. “Plus you offered up to me whatever innocence you had left. And you were irresistible.” He added. “Random waitresses? Not so much."
"I don't know." I said casually and shrugged, propping my elbow on the table and setting my chin on my palm as I studied his face.
He furrowed his brows, looking confused, "What?"
I let a smile widen on my lips as I kept eye contact, thinking that yes I really loved this man, flaws and everything. He was imperfectly perfect for me and I was lucky I had got him before some other girl could have stolen him from me. The thought alone got my stomach in knots. "I'm sure there are other girls you could not resist." I said quietly, not giving in to my jealousy but talking rationally instead, "I'm just lucky that you chose me."
His face softened as he squeezed my hand, looking pained for a moment, "You're all I want Jules, you have to believe me."
"I believe you and trust you." I reassured him. We both had made mistakes in the past but he was too smart to make them again and so was I.
"I mean it." He said honestly and brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles as he stared at me with those big gorgeous eyes.
"I do too." I smiled at him and then my phone started ringing. I reached for it from inside my purse, Josh's face showing on the screen. Despite the huge mess caused by me and Trey, he had managed to be a gentleman and a great friend too, reassuring me that he was still happy to work with me and that at least he had had his shot even it had gone bad. I, on the other side, was glad not to have lost my partner and now that we had cleared the air from any possible kind of misunderstanding we were both set on throwing amazing parties and nothing else. Also, he was seeing a girl, which was even better.
I glanced up at Trey, his eyes on Josh pictures before he looked at me. "Are you going to take it?" He asked, his tone one of forced calm.
I shook my head and ignored the call, "No." I said quietly and smiled even though I wondered what Josh wanted. I could only hope the party was going well but even if it didn't...I just wanted my night with Trey to go well.
"No?" He raised one eyebrow at me, looking surprised.
"Maybe I'll text him later to ask if everything is fine, but no, no answering to anyone." I said quietly, trying to read his face.
“You can answer it.” Trey said, shrugging, showing me that he was trying to change just as much as I was.
I shook my head, the fact that he was willing to try enough for me. “I'm on a date with my boyfriend. I think no cell phone calls are allowed.”
He smiled and pushed my hair out of my face before reaching for my hand. “I think I like that idea.” He replied softly and I didn't know if it was just my imagination but he looked as if he had something else on his mind, something on the tip of his tongue that he couldn't say out loud.
“That means you too though.” I replied and he laughed at me.
“Baby I turn my phone off as soon as I leave work.” He replied seriously making me cringe slightly. “What’s wrong?”
“I hate that you’re not happy at your job Trey…” I trailed off and shook my head, wishing he could find something else. “You should be happy, you should love what you do.”
He smirked slowly. “I love you so it works.” He replied, wagging his eyebrows at me suggestively.
I blushed and shook my head. “As much as I love you too? I can’t pay you for that….well I could but I couldn’t afford you probably.” I bit my lip and he laughed again.
“Oh? You make good money baby how much do you think I'm worth?”
I tilted my head to the side and smiled. “Priceless I think.” I said softly, making him beam back at me.
“I think you’re the cheesiest.” He whispered and I nodded in agreement.
“I think so too.” I set my napkin back on the table. “I'm going to run to the rest room okay?”
He nodded and I stood up, but then grabbed the table as my body leaned backwards, my legs feeling like jelly. He jumped up to catch me. “Julia!” He held my body close to his and I held my head.
“I must have stood up too fast.” I replied softly, “I'm so dizzy.”
He swallowed. “You must not be getting enough sleep baby….”
I laughed weakly and shrugged. “I’ll blame you for that.”
“I’ll take the blame but I'm putting you straight to bed ….after you eat something. Have you eaten yet today?”
I considered lying, since he looked seriously worried, but then he'd probably worry even more. "No." I said weakly and shook my head, grabbing his shirt for support as I forced myself to inhale deeply.
He furrowed his brows, tilting my head up by using his fingers, "Why not? Not enough time? You work too much-"
"It's not that." I cut him off and smiled, loving how he was always full of attentions. He was back being my Trey again, the perfect man I had missed so much. "I didn't feel like eating."
"That's weird, you're not on some stupid diet, are you?" I asked, back to looking for answers as he helped me to sit down again. Men. "Because I tell you, you're perfect like this and if you lost weight you'd become too skinny and I'd be afraid to break you every time I'm on top of you."
I laughed at that, even if it cost my head starting spinning a little. But seriously, he couldn't get more adorable even if he tried. "Then I'd be the one on top. But no, no diets. I love food too much."
"Thank god because I love when I'm on top and you look so sexy there, spread for me..." He trailed off, his thoughts taking the dirty road but then he shook his head as if to get back on the more serious subject. "Anyway, what's wrong Jules? Are you sick?"
I shrugged, not knowing what was wrong if anything. "I've been feeling nauseous a couple times this week, it must be the stress." I explained quietly, watching him move his seat to the other side of the table to stay closer to me.
"It could be." He said in a soft voice, keeping my hand in his as he used the other one to caress my cheek with so much love that I was melting. "Or maybe a bug."
I took another deep breath and nodded, not even wanting to talk to another option that I had in mind but refused to consider. "Maybe." I whispered, entertwining my fingers with his and squeezing them, "I'll feel better tomorrow baby, it's nothing."
Trey looked at me and kissed my forehead again, frowning. “You’re burning up instead…” He trailed off.
I shrugged. “I feel kind of cold.”
He blinked as the waitress came back with our meals and he asked her to have them boxed up to go instead.
“I'm fine Trey you don’t have to be so worried.” I tried to stop him, not wanting to ruin our night out, but it was useless. He was a man on a mission.
He looked back at me and swallowed, obviously not believing it. “Tell me how you feel now. Be honest with me Julia.”
I blinked, giving up. He was being so caring and he knew me, he could read me like a book...lying wasn't allowing. “I feel dizzy.” I admitted. “And chilly.”
He pulled his suit jacket off and put it around my shoulders as I smiled at him. “You need a break love.” He said seriously.
I shook my head, refusing to take a break from anything. Sometimes I felt as if I couldn't stop, ever. “No I'm fine.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “When was the last time you took some time off?” He asked me, raising a brow as I shrugged.
“I don’t remember.” I lied this time since I didn't want to bring up that I took two weeks off when we had broken up. The memory was too painful.
He shook his head again and paid for our food, grabbing the bag in one hand and my body in his other, helping me outside and looking pained as I shivered as soon as the air hit me, which wasn’t even cold because it was June. “Oh baby…” He helped me into a cab, pulling my body close to his warm one and squeezing it until we got to our apartment, the trip home going in a blur.
“I'm going to heat up your soup okay?” He said after tucking me into the bed and putting on some soft music. Dear god he was so perfect.
I nodded, not wanting him to go just yet. “Trey?”
He looked back, his eyes finding mine immediately. “Yes?”
“I love you.” I said honestly, needing to say it even if he knew already.
“I love you too….” He trailed off, pausing and inhaling deeply before parting his lips again. “And I want to be with you for real. None of this weekend stuff anymore. I want to see you every day. Not only that but I want to take you away. You have to have 3 months vacation saved up by now. Let’s take it.”
I bit down on my lip, part of me relieved that he asked because I was starting to hate this living separated thing. Sure it had helped us to find our way back to how we used to be, we were stronger now, but it was time to call it quit. "Come here." I whispered softly, watching him closely as he walked over me, the look on his face a worried one again.
He sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at me as his hand dropped on the blanket separating him from my hip. "I'm here." He said quietly.
I rolled over onto my side and struggled to get closer to him, my hands sliding out of the sheets to grab him by his shirt and force him to lower his back on the pillows against the headboard. "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend and move in with you?" I asked softly as I let a smile play on my lips.
He nodded and relaxed as soon as he realized that I was taking his words in the right way. "Yes baby, even it's not you moving in with me, it's us moving back in our apartment. Us, our, those are the key words." He cupped my face and brushed his thumb against my cheek, looking at me with so much love that I could feel my heart exploding.
I beamed at him, adjusting my head against his hard stomach as I draped my arm around his hips, "When?" I asked as I kept staring into his gorgeous eyes, "I'm tired of sharing my space with my sister and her boyfriend."
He let out a small chuckle, his chest vibrating against me as I snuggled closer to him, never wanting to let go at this point. "What about starting now?" He offered, playing with my hair, "You need someone who can take care of you since you're sick."
"Will you be my doctor?" I asked as my smile turned into a smirk.
"Don't tempt me baby, you need to rest." He said in a warning tone, shaking his head.
"I'm so lucky to have you." I tilted my head back and puckered my lips, waiting for him to kiss me. And he did, his soft lips pressing against mine and lingering there before he pulled his head back. "I feel so much better now."
He kept quiet a few seconds, his arm wrapping around my neck as his hand traced my collarbone mindlessly, "Is it a yes then?" He asked quietly.
"It is." I said wasting no time, my body going limp against him since I had no energy left. My brain still worked at the usual speed though, making me wonder if we'd just move back all the things we had took away from the apartment or if this would be a fresh start. And then my job, of course. "And I don't have three months saved up, but we can take all I have. I'd love to go away with you."
“I might spoil you…” Trey trailed off seriously, grinning at my tiny body cuddled up to his strong one.
“I might have to relax and enjoy it then.”
He bit his lip and smirked at me before giving a shocked face. “Do you know how to relax? I don’t know….” He trailed off, teasing me since I wasn't famous for relaxing or loving to.
I smacked his hard chest before straddling him slowly. “I know how to enjoy you.” I grinned and he shook his head as he sat up and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“You’re sick baby.” He reminded me, grinning as he slid his hands up the top of my shirt. I knew I was and I wasn't in the best shape for sexy time, but I was also really happy and I wanted to celebrate us being back to...us. “You should put pj’s on.” He told me.
I raised my arms over my head. “Help me.” I grinned, giving him a silly cute face and making him laugh.
“If I help you I’ll forget you’re sick.” He said softly, reaching out for me and pressing a kiss against my lips.
“Oops.” I grinned and he pulled my shirt over my head before I started shivering, getting cold instantly.
“Baby.” He shook his head and wrapped me in a blanket while he walked to the dresser to grab me some sweatpants and a sweatshirt. “You have to start taking care of yourself love.” He said, helping me into them, my cheeks feeling hot and I could only wish it was for all the attentions I was getting from him.
“But I like it better when you take care of me.” I said in a tiny voice, meaning it. Truth was I had forgotten how good he was at taking care of me.
“I will for the rest of our lives baby.” He said seriously, feeling my forehead and sighing. “You’re sick. You’re staying home from work this week.”
“Okay.” I nodded since I knew that he was right, his face shocked anyway since I always put work before myself too.
“Do you want your soup?”
"No." I shook my head, stretching my arms out towards him, "I want my boyfriend."
He shot me a smile that made me melt and climbed on the bed, allowing me to pull him against me, "You're being awfully cute Jules."
I pulled my head back and brushed my nose against his, smiling, "Is it bad?" I asked as I stared into his eyes.
"What do you think?" He asked back, struggling to get out of his jacket and tossing it somewhere on the floor. He had been so focused on taking care of me that he was still wearing all his clothes. Which was too bad considering how good he looked without all those unnecessary layers of fabric.
"I don't know, you used to love it." I shrugged, moving my hands down on his chest and working on unbuttoning his shirt.
"I still do..." He trailed off, kissing my cheek before his eyes dropped on my fingers, "Are you trying to seduce me again?"
"No, unfortunately." I sighed, feeling way too weak to put up a sexy show for him, "But if you join me under the blankets all dressed you're going to boil."
He grinned widely as he let me push his shirt over his shoulders and down his arms then he grabbed it and tossed it where his jacket was too. "I think it's just an excuse to see me naked."
I chuckled and rolled over my side, waiting for him to slid under the sheets with me, "I don't need an excuse, you're mine again now." I said seriously and when he lifted his arm to wrap it around my shoulder I set my head on his chest and glued the rest of my body against his, loving how warm his skin was against me. Plus, my body fit perfectly against his.
"That's true." He agreed and squeezed me, tilting down his head to press a kiss on my forehead that made me wrinkle my nose. He laughed at my face and, when I looked up at him he kissed my lips instead.
"Better." I said softly and closed my eyes, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. It wasn't just because I didn't feel good, but also all the tension that had built during those hard months was finally fading away. "Where do you want to take me?" I asked in a whisper, letting my hand move up and down his stomach as my fingertips traced his perfect abs.
“Anywhere.” Trey grinned, squeezing me tightly.
“Maybe we should just stay home.” I grinned and he rolled over to push my hair out of my eyes and hold my face in his hand.
“No I want to spoil you.” He kissed my lips softly, making me melt with his actions and words.
I smiled. “You do that already.” I replied, meaning it. Right now I felt the luckiest girl on earth.
“Not enough. I took you for granted once, I won’t do it again.”
“Trey…” I trailed off, not wanting to bring up the past again
“I mean it. You’re precious to me.”
I bit my lip and shook my head. “You’re precious to me too.”
He kissed my nose and laid back down, pulling me with him. “Let’s go somewhere that we can go every year, make it a spoil Jules tradition.”
I grinned, loving the idea. “What about Trey?” I asked, looking up at him and making him shoot me a wicked grin.
“It’ll be spoil Trey also.” He replied. “I’ll give you a lingerie budget.”
I shook my head. “Or I’ll just never wear any underwear on vacation.” I said in a sweet voice that didn’t match my words at all.
“I'm liking this idea even better….” He trailed off, trailing his hand up and down my back under my sweat shirt. “Somewhere hot so the only thing separating me from your pussy is your sundress….” He trailed off and I groaned.
“Don’t turn me on now Trey I'm sick!” I pouted and he kissed my pouty lips quickly.
“You started it baby.”
I sighed but grinned against his mouth, staring into his gorgeous eyes. "I just said that you won't have to spend money on my lingerie."
He shrugged his broad shoulders as he grinned back at me, "It'd go to waste anyway since I'd end up ripping it."
"Trey!" I protested, "You're doing it again!"
"Ops." His smirk widened before he kissed me again, "I'll be good now, I swear."
I relaxed against him, loving how his body felt. Everything felt finally right and I knew that I was in the right place, I belonged there, in his arms. I was almost forgetting my cold or whatever it was, I was too focused on being happy. "You might spend money on bikinis though." I said quietly, already thinking about where we could go. Also, I knew that he hated shopping so I'd go alone and spend my money actually, but I liked teasing him anyway.
"Bikinis, uh?" He asked with an eyebrow raised, glancing down at me as his eyes got darker.
I nodded, running my hand up and down his hard stomach, "We should go to Polynesia." I suggested as I remembered how bad I had always wanted to go there.
His smirk turned into a smile and with that I knew he liked the idea, "Bora Bora?" He asked.
"Yes. Nothing but beaches and us, relaxing and making love al day." I closed my eyes as my voice thinned, turning into a whisper while I imagined us laying half naked under the sun. Nothing sounded better than that.
"I'd love that." He whispered back as he kissed my lips softly, "Are you dreaming of it already?"
I felt a smile tug at the corner of my mouth and I snuggled even closer to him, "I'm dreaming of you."