here our dreams aren't made, they're won.

here our dreams aren't made, they're won. by sassy

 flashback;

The front door slid from my hand and slammed shut behind me, leaving me cussing under my breath. My day had already been hard enough, I didn't need to wake my mom up and face her too. I loved her, I really did, despite being already 19 I still felt a mommy's boy at heart and how couldn't I when she was always so amazing and understanding to me? On the bright side dad was out of town, busy with filming or something like that. I could deal with mom, dad was harder to fool.
"Ben?" She called out as I walked past the doorway to the living room.

I backtracked and smiled at her, "Bonjour. Je vais dormir." I said in my best French, loving how much she loved that. Back when I was little I didn't understand why my parents were so stuck on me learning both French and English, but now that I went to college I fully understand the benefits of being bilingual. I had plans of moving to London once Cami would be done with school...correction, I used to have plans, now everything was about to change and I'd probably be forced to forget about my dream.
She smiled. "Come here," She sat up straighter to make room for me. "I need some company."
I walked into the room and flopped onto the couch, not able to say no to her mostly when I knew that with me always with Cami and Chloe to the other side of the world she spent a lot of time alone. "Why are you still awake?"
"Couldn't sleep," She replied and glanced at me. "How's Camille?"
"Why couldn't you sleep?" I asked instead as I tried to change the subject, not wanting to talk about my girlfriend at the moment. I knew I had to, but I was too scared.
She just shrugged, bringing some popcorn to her mouth and chewing slowly. "I don't really know. It must be because I'm getting old." She sighed after swallowing.
I let out a small laugh and nudged her gently as I looked at her, "You're not old mom."
"I'm not getting any younger, am I?" She said back but smiled, letting me know she was just joking. Well, technically she was right, but she was still a gorgeous woman and was aging very well. I didn't say that just because I was her son, unfortunately all my friends agreed, even calling her hot when they wanted to piss me off.
"If you're fishing for compliments I'm sorry but you'll have to call dad." I said flatly, knowing how my dad could still be gross with mom. I was happy to have two parents who were still madly in love, but when they started kissing like teenagers? Enough was enough.
"Don't be so grumpy Benji." She said before breaking into a laugh and it was her time to nudge me. I kept quiet, remembering that I actually had a reason to be in a bad mood...well, not necessarily bad, but not good either. "You didn't tell me how's Camille." She added when I didn't say anything.
"How would I know that? I was at Regan's." I lied shamelessly but didn't look at her and scrubbed my hands over my face instead.
"Then why did you come back home?" She asked and the tone of her voice showed me that she knew that I was up to something.
I gave up and leaned my back against the couch, closing my eyes and feeling on the verge of tears for how tired and scared I was. "She needed some time alone." I said in monotone. My mom wasn't stupid, the opposite actually, she had to at least doubt that I spent all my free time with Cami when I said I was with my friends instead.
I felt her move next to me, her hand landing on my forearm to squeeze it, "Did you fight with Cami?" She asked softly even though in her voice there was a hint of worry. She always worried, sometimes even too much if you asked me, but I knew she did because she loved me and really really liked my girlfriend too.
I shook my head slowly as I swallowed, "No." Was the only word coming out of my mouth.
"Hey silly boy, you're making me worry." She said stubbornly and I knew she wouldn't drop it now. Like I knew I had to tell her the truth. "Is she okay?"
"Yeah, she's fine." I opened my eyes and turned my head in her direction, offering a small smile even if it was a forced one, "She's pregnant mom."
My mom wrapped both arms around me, but not quick enough for me not to notice the look on her face which, I was sure, I wouldn't forget for a long time if ever. I already had many memories of me and my mom, both good and bad, but I wasn't sure about the category this one would fit. "I'm scared," I said quietly.
"I know," She nodded her head, still speechless. Pulling her head back, she looked at me, "Did she say that she wanted to be alone right now?"
My lips parted and then I closed them carefully, realizing my own mistake. It hit me how I had always refused to leave her alone anytime we had fought in the past and she had wanted me to go away while now I had just gone, my own fears and insecurities leading me put myself first instead of the girl I loved even more than myself. "Yeah, but -"
"You should be with her right now, Benjamin," She told me, pressing her fingertips against her temples. "I know that you're scared right now, but think of how she feels... I'm guessing you two haven't told her parents yet?"
I shook my head, refusing to even think about how their parents would take the news, knowing that their 17 years old daughter was now pregnant and her life was probably going to change drastically. "You're the only one who knows," I said finally and she reached for my hand, giving it a small squeeze.
"Have you..." She trailed off, as if she was looking for the right words, "Did you two discuss what you want to do? Or how far along she might be?"
"I know nothing about that kind on things mom." I sighed as I looked at her, trying to read her face. Despite sharing my home with two female human being and always being surrounded by girls too my whole life I still didn't know some things about them, they were a mystery to me for the most part. Sure I knew that I should have used a condom, but when you're just 19 you think that things always happens to other people, not to you. I had been so stupid. "Except for Chloe being obnoxious before her period."
She let out the tiniest laugh which was soon cut off by another sound that made my heart ache. She seemed to be close to tears and only god knew how much that hurt me, knowing that I was disappointing my mom, the one who had raised me in the best way, who had always been by my side, supporting me through my whole life...I had failed her. "Ben." She just shook her head, closing her eyes for a second.
I held her hand tightly in mine, needing her now more than ever. How was I supposed to become a dad when I was still so attached to my mom? What did I know about life? I was barely able to cook myself a meal and make my bed, how could I take care of a baby? "We talked about what to do, but I don't know, we're both really confused. We found out just a few hours ago."
"She probably needs to see a doctor." She said quietly, looking at me with her big blue eyes which were shadowed by a sadness that killed me. And still, she was being supportive, making me reason, and think about my own good without showing me how hard that was for her. Then she bit her lip and her expression changed, "Ben did we teach you nothing about being careful?"
I shook my head, still cringing at the thought of my dad giving me his big speech about sex. It had been embarrassing and not necessary, he had been late already. "I know I know, it's all my fault. I was stupid." I admitted in a barely audible tone, part of me hating myself for doing that to Cami. I lowered my head and stared at the floor, feeling beyond ashamed. "But now..." I trailed off, taking a deep breath, "Mom I love Cami and I want this baby. It's not like I was planning on having a kid anytime soon, but now that it happened-" I cut myself off, having a hard time explaining myself, "It's our baby already."
Mom smiled genuinely and nodded her head, my words making her look a little relieved even if still worried. I was grateful for her not yelling at me and make everything even harder than it was, but I was surprised that she was being so practical, how she was putting her feelings aside in favor to help me through this unexpected situation, and I guessed that was one of the many things you did when you were a parent. A very good one. That didn't make me feel less scared, but a little better because I knew that I had a role model and whenever I'd need something I'd always have her to show me the right way. "Having a baby is hard," She said seriously. "You two are so young and what about London? What about school?"
My eyes broke away from hers and I looked down at our intertwined hands, "I haven't thought about that."
"You can't just pack up a newborn and expect Camille to stay at home all day..." She trailed off, letting out the deep breath she had been holding.
"I wouldn't," I said quickly, meaning it. If it was possible? Hell I'd even carry the baby for her, I was ready to do all it took to give her the best.
She nodded her head, wrapping her other arm around me to pull me into a hug, then she kissed the top of my head, "I'm proud of you... not for knocking up your 17 year old girlfriend, but for wanting to do the right thing. You're a good man."
"I don't feel like it," I said quietly.
She kept her hold on me tight, "Most men wouldn't even know how to handle this, but you're nineteen years old Ben. Cami's lucky to have you. I think you two will make amazing parents."
"I hope so...I'll try my best." I said back and when she pulled her head back I noticed a wet trail on her cheek, a small tear at its end. I felt as if someone had just punched me square in the stomach. "Oh please mom don't cry."
"I'm not." She forced a smile as she wiped her cheek, giving me the look she always had whenever she tried to keep her emotions in check. "I'm fine."
"I'm sorry mom." I said quietly, feeling as if I had to apologize to the whole world. The mistake was mine, there were no doubts about that, but the consequences were everyone's and I couldn't help feeling bad. When she kept quiet but kept looking at me, silently accepting my words, I went on and spoke my mind. "If we're keeping this baby-"
"If?" She cut me off, looking a little confused, the tone of her voice still soft anyway, "Didn't you say you want it?"
I nodded my head immediately to show her that I wasn't changing my mind and I wouldn't, "I do, but I'm not the only one who get to take this decision." I took a deep breath, wanting to be with Cami more than anything in this moment. I was restless, exhausted, worried, an incredible mix of feelings were crowding my head and my heart, and as the time passed it only got worse. It was becoming more real, thanks to my mom too, and the more real it was the more I wanted to talk to my girlfriend and tell her the things I should have told her before.
"There's a lot of thinking to do." She agreed, adjusting her back against the couch again as she let go of me but not of my hand.
"I know...I mean, I can't even imagine how you can decide if you want to carry a baby inside of you and your body to change-"
She held her free hand up and cut me off, "That's not what I meant Benji." She said, talking to me softly, "If she wants to have this baby with you she won't care about that for now. Maybe later, but now it's more about if you two can do this, give a future to your son or daughter."
I furrowed my brows and processed her words, lost in my thoughts. I surprised myself wondering if it'd be a boy or a girl, imagining Cami's belly growing, us starting a family, getting old together. The more I thought about it the more I was convinced that it was the right thing to do and, eventually, what I really wanted. But with the cute and romantic side of the idea, it came a more realistic one. "I don't even have a job." I said as I looked at her, reality hitting me hard while I tried not to be swallowed again by new fears.
Mom pursed her lips together and let out the deep breath she'd been holding. It looked like I was keep adding thoughts to her mind, like if she didn't have enough already. I could see her brain working hard through her blue eyes, the think wrinkle between her brows and the way her lips were pressed together in a thin line. "Your father and I could help with that," She said seriously, her eyes scanning my face but she had to know that I'd never accept that offer.
"No," I shook my head and looked away from her. I was grateful to have such loving parents who'd do anything to help me, I was also glad that they were economically solid, and that was an understatement, it gave me the security to know that I'd never fall on my ass. That didn't mean that I'd use their money to start my own family and raise a child, I was too proud for that. "I want to do this on my own... prove to Cami that I'm serious about starting a life with her."
She smiled at me, the color of her eyes getting darker than lighter again, the smiled even wider and another tear escaped her. I loved my mom, I loved Chloe and I loved Cami, but damn women sometimes didn't make sense to me. My mom's tear confused me, hurt too.
"Mom," I squeezed her hand after looking back at her. "I'm so sorry."
She shook her head quickly, "I'm not disappointed in you Ben."
"No? Because I keep thinking of how dad's going to react when I tell him, and the idea of Cami having to raise a child on her own while I'm dead -"
She laughed and used her free hand to wipe her cheek, "Your father isn't going to kill you... he might not be very excited and he might have a heart attack, but he wouldn't ever lay a hand on that pretty face of yours."
I groaned and dropped the hold I had on her hand, scrubbing both of my palms over my face. I was exhausted and I still had so many things to figure out, I wouldn't stop until I'd have all the answers I needed.
"Why don't you try modeling?" She asked and I lifted my head to shoot her a skeptical look. "You'd book jobs easily. Just accept a few of the high paying ones until you find something you really want to do," She shrugged her shoulders. "You'd be able to stay in school and pay bills, assuming that you and Camille will want to find a home."
I nodded slowly and processed her words, lost in my thoughts. It was crazy, it didn't even feel like it was my life we were talking about, all my plans for the future needed to be at least revised if not changed completely. Probably the latter. It was hard for me to grasp reality when my world was being turned upside down. "Do you really think I could be a model?" I asked as I looked at her, knowing she was the best person to ask that question to. Former model and now head of a model agency, no one knew more about the subject.
"Of course Ben, you surely have the looks, thanks to your dad." She answered with a smile on her face, her eyes drifting to my features as she brushed my hair off my forehead, "I can only hope you got my modeling skills too."
I blinked at her for a moment before breaking into a liberating laugh. There was nothing to laugh about, but that helped me to release some tension and I was grateful to my mom for that. She was an amazing woman. "I have to think about it." I said eventually, with a sigh. The idea of being a model sounded far from appealing to me, still I meant it when I said I'd do anything for Cami. And now for our baby too, it didn't matter if I had to forget about my dreams.
"You probably don't remember this but when you were a little boy we had this photo shoot, all our family, together." She started while I listened to her in silence, wondering where she was going with that. "You weren't happy about it, too impatient and full of energy. Still, without even trying, you managed to be an handsome little man, the camera loved you."
I raised one eyebrow, slightly amused by the memory and the picture of myself my mom was drawing for me. "I don't remember that." I said simply, no trace of that day in my mind, "I don't want to be a model mom." I added in a low tone, the confession hard to spill as I realized that it wasn't about what I wanted anymore, it was about what I had to do and admittedly she was right. It seemed to be an easy job, I'd get enough money to get a place for me and Cami, enough free time to still go to school.
"It's your decision Ben, give yourself some time." She said as she set her hand on my knee and squeezed it reassuringly.
"I don't think I have any other choice mom." I shook my head, slowly getting my brain to think straight. "You had a good idea."
"You're smart Ben... if you don't want to do modeling? You can do anything else you desire," Mom said honestly.
I nodded, grateful for her words, "I know. And thank you."
She smiled back at me and nodded her head, looking once again lost in her thoughts. I couldn't blame her, I put so much on the plate and there were still dad and Chloe to serve. The thought alone made me shudder. "Your dad gets home tomorrow... We'll tell him over dinner," She said in what sounded like a daze. "Maybe I'll give him a few glasses of rum first," She added under her breath. I laughed nervously, breaking her out of the daze as she looked at me and forced a smile, "It'll be fine. I promise."


present;

I opened the door of my parents home, getting myself ready to be part of the usual Sunday dinner that my mom insisted to have every week. I didn't mind it, since I loved my family and spending time with them, but god every time me on Chloe skipped one she started a tragedy. Tonight it was Chloe's turn, while I was gracefully late thanks to Celeste and one of her tantrums which would be more appropriate for a 5 year old like my son.
I made my way to the kitchen and groaned as I stopped in the doorway, the show in front of me one I didn't want to see. My parents, making out, my dad's hands on her behind and her hands...I didn't even bother to look for them. "I thought we were having dinner, but if you two are busy I can leave."
"You're late," Mom said and pulled away from dad, lifting an eyebrow at me while she tried peeking around me. "And alone?"
"Chloe had a photo shoot, hasn't she told you?" I asked with a grin on my face, knowing as a fact that she had, but teasing my mom anyway.
"I wasn't talking about your sister." She crossed her arms against her chest as her lips pursed together in a thin line. I could see how she didn't like when things didn't go her way, how it bugged her, while my dad just found it funny instead. Sometimes they were opposite and maybe that was why they were was still so in love. And handsy.
I shot my dad an amused look which got me a grin back, while I walked over my mom with a smile on my face, "Gabe's with Cami this week." I said quietly, playing innocent. I knew where she was going with pointing out that I was alone, only I wasn't going to take her seriously yet.
At the mention of my son, her face softened, "I know that too Ben." She smiled and shook her head, "That wasn't what I meant."
"And Cami's with Gabe." I said with a huge grin as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and squeezed her so hard against me that she started squirming.
"Benjamin." She warned me and pushed me away, never liking me being all silly when she was serious instead.
I ignored her and walked to the table, rolling my eyes at my dad in the process before I took a seat, "You're an only child tonight." He said in a playful tone, looking amused.
"Lucky me, I get all the attentions." I sighed, watching my mom move around the kitchen.
"Where's your girlfriend?" She asked out of nowhere and going straight to the point, her back to me so that I couldn't see her face.
Dad ran his hands through his hair, knowing what was about to come. "Here we go." He muttered under his breath as he sat next to me, ready to enjoy the show.
I kept my face straight, staring at my mom's neck, "I don't have a girlfriend." I said quietly and that was true. Celeste and I were seeing each other, that was different, I had no intention to define whatever we were anytime soon.
She tossed her head over her shoulder, raising one eyebrow at me, "I've heard different Ben."
I thought about what Chloe had told me about her having folders about us and our personal life. It sounded awful and I wished my sister was wrong. "About that mom. Chlo told me about you playing Sherlock Holmes with us and looking for informations on gossip magazines as a hobby." I said as I tried to hide my disappointment. I loved her and I understood how she wanted to know things about us, but not like that.
"Sherlock Holmes?" Mom lifted an eyebrow and sighed, shaking her head as if dismissing my words. The woman could never admit to be wrong or to be gone too far, not when it was about me or Chloe. "I pay my staff well and part of the PR departments job is to keep a close eye on their clients."
"Keeping a close eye or keeping personal folders?" I asked, my own face imitating hers.
She carried over the large dish of pasta, a treat since we rarely ate carbs in the Lindsell household and I wondered why, my parents weren't even model anymore. We had enough food to feed a small village tonight since I was sure at this point that my mom was expecting more than one of her kids to show up.
Dad was playing innocent, dishing up some salad on his plate while I had a more determined look on my face, always getting down to business that one. "Every model has their own folder. Previous work, show cards, tabloid articles," She shrugged. I believed her, I was sure that she liked to keep an eye on the models who worked for her, but us? Her children? That was just an excuse to be nosy. "You shouldn't be so surprised."
"Do you read through all of the other folders?"
She shook her head, "No, do I have a reason to?" I parted my lips as she dished pasta onto her plate, a smile playing on her lips, while I realized where she was going with that. "I've looked at your girlfriends however. Lovely girl, but perhaps a little too young for you."
"Ava," Dad said flatly.
I turned my head in his direction and looked at him with an eyebrow raised, "You really let her do that?" I asked without hiding my annoyance.
He sighed and shook his head, deciding to focus on his salad instead of looking at my mom. I guessed it was one of those times when she borrowed his balls and was left without any. "You know her." He shrugged, dismissing the subject completely.
"I do nothing wrong, I just worry for my children." She pointed out, wrinkling her nose. My mom was a strong confident woman and rarely admitted to be wrong, correction, rarely thought to be.
I broke eye contact with her, deciding to ignore her for a moment and reaching for the bowl of pasta to get some. I knew that her intentions were good, that she wished that we still told her everything like when we were kids, but we weren't kids anymore and we deserved some privacy. She was our mother but had no right to dig into our sentimental life mostly if, like in me and Chloe's case, was an awful one. "You should stop because there's nothing to worry about." I said quietly.
She offered a smile, the kind she gave me when I was little and she was tricking me into doing something. "Then tell me more about your girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend and I doubt that you want to know more." I answered and kept a straight face, trying not to smirk because I knew she wouldn't like my answer. My dad, on the other side, was struggling to stay out of the little challenge between me and mom.
"Ben." She narrowed her gaze on me.
I ate a forkful of pasta, staring at her with a peaceful look on my face as I swallowed. "This pasta is delicious, you're such a good cook mom." I said instead, teasing her and being silly in order to make her forget about my love life even though I knew that it took a lot more than just that.
Dad let out a snort, keeping a smirk on his face as mom turned her head to shoot him a glare. "That was a good one," He said to me, shaking his head as he stabbed his fork into some of the noodles. She lifted an eyebrow in amusement as he went on, "I only wish your mother could cook like this."
"And I wish you could fold your own clothes. Looks like no one wins!" She retorted, tossing another glare in his direction.
"You still can't fold your own clothes dad?" I laughed, "Gabe has you beat there."
"Why is everyone picking on me?! Your moms the one with the folders!"
Her mouth fell open but she smiled, "They're for the PR! It's not like I'm secretly spying on anyone!"
"Not even a little?" I asked skeptically, my smile matching hers. I knew that was a lie, but she was my mom and I wasn't going to ruin her mood since I wanted her happy always.
"No Benjamin, I am not spying on you or your sister," She shook away the thought, taking a bite of pasta. "However, your sister? I swear, it's like she's trying to give me a heart attack. Constantly."
"Oh come on, Chloe isn't that bad," I defended her, always on her side even if she drove me crazy sometimes.
"Have you two been spending a lot of time together?" She looked at me, always encouraging us to be closer.
I nodded my head and looked at my pasta while I ate, taking my eyes away from her as I thought about all the s.hit going on with my sister. I had made a promise though and I wasn't going to break it, even that meant that I had a huge weight on my shoulders. "Yes, you know how much she loved having me around and torture her." I said instead and grinned.
Mom rolled her eyes but looked pleased with my answer anyway, while dad shot me a side glance. "Is she seeing someone?" He asked, getting defensive already. No one could land a finger on his little princess, if only he knew how much more than that guys did to her.
I kept my face straight as I stared at my mom, "Ask her, I'm sure she knows." I grinned again, not missing a beat.
"I know nothing." She retorted, giving me an innocent face that didn't fool me or dad since we knew her better than that.
"Lies." I muttered under my breath before eating another forkful of pasta, swallowing before shrugging. "No, she's single and she will be for a while."
Mom narrowed her eyes on me, trying not to smirk. "You're keeping her on your radar? Who's the spy now?"
I grinned back at her, amused by her words, "I don't spy, she tells me all I need to know." And more, I added in my head.
"Good, I feel better at the thought that you keep an eye on her." Dad sighed, looking genuinely relieved.
I winked at him, making the moment light, "I learned from the best."