this is a portrait of a tortured you and I

this is a portrait of a tortured you and I by sassy

“Hey baby.” Jake set his work bag on the counter and reached into the fridge for a waterbottle before joining me on the couch.
I watched him from the corner of my eye, admiring how handsome he looked in his works clothes, but then again, he always was. Still, that wasn't the reason why I was so in love with him, why I wanted to spend the rest of my life by his side, he was an amazing person and, no matter if he disagreed, he was just perfect. Things were still complicated between us, but I knew that I'd never let him go for any reason. “How was work?” I asked eventually.
He shrugged and pulled me into him so I was leaning against his shoulder. “Same as usual. Did you know American idol is thinking about hiring judges from past American idle seasons next year?”

I smirked, amused by that little habit which consisted in him always coming home with a new piece of gossip from their celebrity section of the radio show he did. “Oh good, now they’ll have something to do.” I joked.

He chuckled as he kissed the top of my head. “How about you cutie?”

I just shrugged, not really looking forward to dig into the matter. “I called in sick.”

He blinked. “Are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor?” He kissed my forehead. “You don’t feel warm….”

“I'm fine baby I'm just feeling blah today.”

He swallowed and nodded. “Oh.” He said with an unreadable face. “I'm sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry about anything Jake.” I shrugged.

“Okay…”

I closed my eyes as I ignored that word, focusing on him instead. The way my body fit perfectly against his, the warmth of his skin, his natural scent mixed with his cologne...everything. I was trying my best to impress all of that in my mind to use it later, during the days when I couldn't have any. "Are you hungry?" I asked, guessing that we still deserved to share a meal before I'd tell him my intentions.

"Not really." He shook his head, motionless against me. "Are you?"

"I ate something earlier today." I explained quietly as I shifted against him, setting my hand on his chest.

"What?" He asked, the tone of his voice letting me know that he was miles away from me even if he was there. Truth was, things couldn't work like this. I didn't know if it was all my fault or not, butit was killing me anyway.

I shrugged, "I went out for a walk and get a froyo."

I felt his fingers lifting up my head and I finally opened my eyes, but as soon as they met his I felt as if I couldn't breathe anymore. I was trying hard to act in a decent way, even like he wanted me to, considering his point of view...I was just going crazy instead, scared to death that I could lose him. "That's good baby, walking helps." He said quietly before pressing a chaste kiss on my lips.

"Yeah it did actually." I nodded in agreement and pulled away from me, crossing my legs indian style as I straightened myself. "You were right Jake." I started but he cut me off instantly.

"About what?" He raised one eyebrow.

"I'm going away...I already packed a few things." I tried to explain, more confused than ever but knowing that I had to do this for him even if it hurt, "I'm going to stay somewhere else for a little, to think about what you said." I went on even if in all honesty I wasn't sure at all. All I knew was that I wouldn't change my mind anyway.

“Vi can I ask you a question?” Jake asked, ignoring me completely which was surprising me. And slightly upsetting to be honest.

I blinked at me and then nodded slowly, wondering where he was going with that. “Okay.”

“Do you like being Violet?”

I swallowed thickly and shrugged. Did I like my body and my face? Yes. Did I like the mess I was? “No.”

He grabbed my hand, looking slightly pained which made me feel only worse. “Come with me.”

I gave him a look and followed him as we walked into our closet that had the full length mirror on the back wall. “I know I'm pretty Jake you don’t need to-“

“No talking.” He said simply, grabbing for my sweatshirt. “Take this off.”

I looked at him like he was a crazy person as I lifted my hands and let him peel it off of me, leaving me in her jeans and a tank. Did he want to have sex? I just didn't undestand, but whatever he had in mind I'd just do it. “Jake…”

“Look.” He said pointing at the mirror. “Tell me what you see.”

I shrugged, used to see my reflection and hating the look into my eyes. I wanted to be strong, indipendent even, I was the opposite instead and the longer I was with Jake the worse I got, my desire to be good enough for him pushing me in the opposite direction. “A girl who looks nice on the outside but isn’t nice on the inside.” I said finally, admitting my flaws. “Someone who’s not worth much and someone who you don’t want to marry.”

He just stood behind me while I waisted. “Let me show you Violet through my eyes then.” He said simply, pulling my hair out of the messy bun it was in and letting it cascade down my shoulers. “You’re beautiful. That’s a given. You’ve always been the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but that’s not the first thing I notice.”

I bit my lip, listen carefully. “No?”

“Your eyes. They’re expressive and I'm able to tell just what you’re thinking by looking into them. And they show me a reflection of myself that makes me feel like I could be anything, just because you believe it. They cry at sad movies and tear up like crazy around onions and bat when you flirt and flutter while you sleep.” “Jake…” I whispered, grateful that at least I was able to make him feel an amazing man, which was exactly what he was.

“We’re only at your eyes Vi don’t interrupt, but that brings me to your lips, they speak truths and they stand up for the people you’re loyal to, they’re soft and lush and when I kiss them I get lost and I'm not even going to mention the other things you’re able to do with them.” He moved his hand down over my chest. “Your heart. It’s big and warm and comforting and it loves me and it cares for people. But it’s missing love for itself and until it finds that it can’t be really full and I can’t force it…but you can.”

“I don’t know how…you’re the only one who’s ever loved me Jake.” I said weakly, voicing my weakest side. I felt his body tense up and he wrapped his arms around me before pulling me back out of the room and grabbing his keys. “Where are you going?” I asked, my eyes wide and a little overwhelmed for all the crazy he was being. I didn't understand, my brain was off.

“Your parents. Want to come?”

My eyes widened more in horror. “Why?!”

“Because I'm going to ask them why they raised a daughter who thinks they don’t love her and then I'm going to my parents where you can see that it isn’t just me who loves you. It’s literally everyone that you let into your heart. Do you want to know the answer or not?”

I processed his words, feeling dizzy because this was so much...too much. My heart was beating fast and at the same time I felt my blood draining from my face, as I started imagining in my mind how that little trip could go. "Jake-" I cut myself off, running my hands through my hair and closing my eyes, not even able to talk.

"Shhh." He whispered as I felt his strong hands on my hips, keeping me balanced on my feet. "It's okay Vi, you can do it."

I opened my eyes again and swallowed, the hope into his own look making me realize that I had no other choice. I had to try, for him, or he'd probably be even more disappointed. "Okay..." I trailed off, slowly, forcing myself to breathe.

"Okay as you're coming?" He asked, the tone of his voice soft.

I licked my lip then bit it, my head screaming no since I didn't want to see my parents. Jake's parents? Sure, anytime, but mine? It was like going straight to hell even though I knew that they were the main reason why I was so insecure. I had spent my whole life ignoring that, but Jake had brought all that back to the surface, him being so perfect and good to me making it even harder to live with all my flaws. And yet he loved me, he saw in me all those beautiful things that he had just said to me. "Yes." I heard myself say instead, proving once again than I'd do anything for him. Anything.

"Good." He said as he offered a smile, grabbing my hand a leading me outside our apartment. His apartment.

I followed him in silence, on the verge of a breakdown but still trying to hold myself together. I let him open the door of the car for me and I climbed inside, staring in front of me but focusing on nothing. When he slammed his door closed I realized that I was barely aware of what was happening around me. "Jake." I breathed out, trying to speak my mind but once again my words failed me.

"Tell me baby." He said in an ecouraging voice as his hand dropped on my knee when the car started moving, too focused on his mission to notice that there was something wrong with me.

I leaned my head back against the seat, my body unable to move since I didn't know what to do. On one hand I didn't want to disappoint Jake and maybe he was right, seeing my family and then his could be good for me, but on the other hand the thought alone of seeing my mom and dad was enough to terrify me. I knew they wouldn't understand, that they'd treat us as bad as they had done the last time we had seen them, that I couldn't handle more pain. "Jake I can't do this, I'm sorry." I broke into a sob, hiding my face in my hands as I started crying uncontrollably, finally breaking.

“Hey.” Jake tilted my head up and looked straight at me as he stopped the car. “No one deserves your tears. Do you understand that?”

I blinked, taken aback because that wasn't what I was expecting. “But-“

He shook his head. “No. You’re strong Vi. I know you are. I’ve known you all my life.” He brushed my tears away with the pads of his thumbs as he looked at me. “Take a deep breath.”

I just looked at him, unable to talk. “Jake…” I choked out and he shook his head.

“Deep breaths baby.” He said, demonstrating, nodding as I followed him.

“Okay.” I whispered, looking back at him wide eyed and what I saw was the same Jake that I had seen for the first time when I was five. The one that could take my sadness away.

“Do you trust me?” He asked softly.

flashback;

I jumped around my daddy, shaking my drawing under his nose as I tried to get his attention, "Look! I made it!" I said, tugging at his shirt.

He turned to me and smiled, but his smile was small, then he grabbed the piece of paper and set it on his desk. "Later baby." He caressed my cheek before looking back at his things.

"Violet." My mommy said and set her hand on my shoulder, making me walk out the door. "Just play out here Violet, away from your father. He’s trying to work.”

I blinked my eyes, wondering what I was doing wrong and why dad was mad at me. I sat on the ground picking up the dandelions from my yard, feeling sad and alone and wanting to cry.

“Hi.” A voice said and I looked up, the kid leaving across from me watching me. He was such a big boy. “Your eyes are blue like mine.” He told me.

“I know.” I nodded and wiped away a tear on one of them.

“Are you sad?” He asked.

I shrugged. “Sometimes.”

“Want to be my friend? I'm Jacob but friends call me Jake.”

I blinked at him, happy because I didn't have friends, only my dolls. I always saw him and his brother and his sister playing together, and I wished I had a brother or a sister too. “I'm Violet.” I said softly. “I'm five years old.”

“I'm seven so I'm older.” He explained. Wow, he was seven. “So I'm going to call you Vi because we’re friends and friends use nicknames. Want to go play in my sandbox?”

I lifted my head as he pointed over to where another boy was. “That’s my brother Eric. Sometimes he’s stupid.”

I giggled. “Okay I’ll play with you.” I nodded standing up.

He grabbed my hand. “We have to hold hands when we cross the street. Do you trust me?”

I just stared at him and then nodded very slowly. I didn't know what that meant, but he looked like one of the boys on disney channel that I liked. And he was older than me and mom always said that older people were right. "Yes." I said eventually.

"Good." He smiled at me.

"Wait!" I said and stopped, tugging at his arm.

He blinked his eyes, "Don't you want to come with me?" He asked, looking a little sad and I didn't want him to be sad because of me.

I nodded again, "Yes but I forgot my teddy bear." I explained in a small voice.

He shrugged and smiled again, "You don't need it, you're with me."

present;

"I trust you with my life baby." I said seriously, meaning it. Jake was like my sun, my life, my everything, and I'd follow him anywhere with my eyes closed.

"You can do this..." He trailed off quietly, caressing my cheek and boring his eyes into mine.

I leaned into his touch, forcing myself to relax. When he was with me I had nothing to worry about, most people found terrifying when you depended so much from someone but truth was I thought it was a lot worse not to be with him. "I don't want to see my parents." I said quietly, not breaking eye contact and lifting my hand to his wrist to wrap my fingers around it. "I know what you think, but I don't want to go through that pain again."

"Okay Vi, I can't force you but-" He started but I cut him off.

"One day I hope I'll be strong enough to face them, just not today." I explained quietly.

He let out a sigh and dropped his hands on my lap, nodding his head even though I knew he disagreed. "It's fine baby, but for the record? I already told you, you're already strong."

"See, I'm not the only blinded by love." I said in an attempt to make the moment lighter. I missed that, I missed being us. Still, I knew that ignoring whatever our, correction, my issue was wouldn't make us any good.

A small smile crossed his face, to fade again as fast as it appeared, "I meant it."

"We can still go to your parents if you want. I'm always happy to see them." I changed the subject, biting down on my lip as I tried to be reasonable for once. "And when we'll be back home I'll take my stuff and I'll spend a few days away." I added as I tried to keep a steady tone, no matter how hard it was or how the thought of being apart from Jake killed me.

“No.” He said shaking his head and staring at me.

I blinked, surprised because he had been the one suggesting that. “No?”

He swallowed. “That was a stupid thing for me to say Vi. I don’t want you to be away from me for a second, I don’t think I could survive a few days.” He admitted, wincing.

My lips tilted up into a real grin and I bit my lip, not caring even a bit if he sounded obsessed or needy, not caring if it was okay or not, I liked that. “Oh Jakey….” I trailed off and then I was sliding over the seat into his lap and pressing soft kisses all over his handsome face.

“I'm clingy a little I know.” He teased, kissing me back whenever my lips would hit his. He held my waist and pulled my body as close to his as he could get it, pushing my hair out of my face to look into my eyes. “I'm sorry things got messy with us Vi. Please don’t think I love you less, or want you less. I love you more every second….hell I’ve loved you since the day you came to play in my sandbox with me and then you beat me at go fish.”

I grinned, stamping his words in my memory and in my heart because they were precious to me, the cure to all my issues. “I beat you at most things.” I replied and he gave me a face.

“You’re the only person in the world I love losing to.” He replied, leaning in as he cupped my face and kissing me passionately, sliding his tongue into my mouth and tasting me before pulling back. “Where to?”

“Well now I don’t want to go anywhere.” I smirked, as my hips moved forward and he groaned slightly.

“You’re being a tease baby…” He trailed off, taking a second to look up my body….”God you’re beautiful.” He whispered, never getting tired of complimenting me before looking in my eyes. “If only you knew how much more beautiful you were on the inside too.”

I felt as if I was about to cry again, for all different reasons now, and he held me face as if he was sensing my tears threatening to fall. “Jakey stop being so perfect…no girl could resist it.”

He smirked at me. “Don’t resist it then.” He replied. “Sounds super simple.”

“I’ll start believing you’re not real instead, just a figment of my imagination.”

He laughed. “I'm a pretty realistic figment.” He teased, moving his hands to my ass and squeezing it lightly.

"As long as you're with me I don't care if you're real or not." I scrunched my face in a silly one and kissed his nose, making him laugh.

"That sounds crazy baby." He said and shook his head before leaning it back against his seat as he bored his eyes into mine.

I nodded in agreement, letting my hands slide down his hard chest, "I am crazy." I sighed since it wasn't exactly brand new information. Now, it wasn't like I was a nut case, but I wasn't completely normal either...well, who was?

He smiled at me, wrapping his arms around my waist, "I love you like this, crazy." He paused and his face turned more serious, but it was different, he didn't look as worried or defeated as a few hours before, he just looked peaceful. Which made me feel so much better. "Are you still willing to see a therapist?"

I bit down on my lip, knowing that I had agreed to that and figuring that it couldn't do any bad if I went. "Yes Jakey, I've promised already." I nodded.

"I just want you to be more confident about what's in here." He said softly and set his warm hand on my chest, where my heart was, "And here." He added, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

And with that I melted, pressing my body hard against him and nuzzling his neck. "You're there baby." I whispered.

"When we'll both be ready, I'll be here too." He said as he reached for my hand and kissed my ring finger, making my heart stop.

I pulled my head back, blinking since I wasn't expecting that. It wasn't a proposal or anything, just a promise that he wouldn't let me go and exactly what I needed. "Baby..." I trailed off but he cut me off.

"I want to get there, just..." He paused to take a deep breath, as if he was looking for the right words, "Not now, we need more time."

"Okay." I nodded as I stared at him through my lashes, believing him and understanding where he came from. We had been in such an emotional rollercoaster, even before getting together, that now we needed some stability before taking such a big step. I'd still marry him today, but I knew he was right. "I'll try to get better, less crazy."

He brushed my hair off my face and cupped my cheek, looking pleased with my answer, "You're not upset, are you? I want us to be back to who we were."

"I want that too and no, I'm not upset. I'll be patient and work on myself to be better with my love." I said seriously as I leaned into him, kissing his lips softly as if closing the deal.