if our love's insanity why are you my clarity?

if our love's insanity why are you my clarity? by ssaarah

“Hey baby.” I set my work bag on the counter and reached into the fridge for a waterbottle before joining Vi on the couch. Things were….well they were still strained. I was still set in my belief that she had ….”proposed” for all the wrong reasons, and she was still sure that I was rejecting her. But she was wrong and it was the one thing I was sticking to. I’d bend over backwards for Vi but this wasn’t about us or our love. It was about her damn insecurities and that wasn’t a reason to walk down the aisle.

“How was work?” I shrugged and pulled her into me so she was leaning against my shoulder.

“Same as usual. Did you know American idol is thinking about hiring judges from past American idle seasons next year?” Vi smirked, I’d always come home with a new piece of gossip from our celebrity section of the radio show I did. She was always amused, more because I had to admit, some of the stuff was kind of fascinating.

“Oh good, now they’ll have something to do.” She joked and I chuckled as I kissed the top of her head.

“How about you cutie?” she just shrugged.

“I called in sick.” I blinked.

“Are you okay? Do you need to go to the doctor?” I kissed her forehead. “You don’t feel warm….”

“I'm fine baby I'm just feeling blah today.” I swallowed and nodded.

“Oh.” I kept my questions in because I knew the reason. Me. I was the reason. “I'm sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry about anything Jake.” She shrugged.

“Okay…”

"Are you hungry?" she asked softly.

"Not really." I shook my head, motionless against him. "Are you?"

"I ate something earlier today." She explained quietly as she shifted against my body, setting her hand on my chest.

"What?" I asked, hating this useless small talk, hating how we couldn’t just be us again.

"I went out for a walk and get a froyo." I reached for her head and lifted it up as I looked into her eyes, they were so gorgeous, but god she looked broken. I didn’t have the tools to fix her even if she thought I did.

"That's good baby, walking helps." I said quietly before pressing a chaste kiss on her full lips.

"Yeah it did actually." she nodded in agreement and pulled away from me, crossing her legs indian style as she straightened herself. "You were right Jake." she started but I cut her off instantly.

"About what?" I raised one eyebrow.

"I'm going away...I already packed a few things." She started, looking like this was hard to say and honestly it was harder for me to hear.  "I'm going to stay somewhere else for a little, to think about what you said."

“Vi can I ask you a question?” she blinked at me and then nodded slowly.

“Okay.”

“Do you like being Violet?” she swallowed thickly and shrugged.

“No.” I felt my heart sink. I ached for her. I wanted to hold her to me and never let her go but that wouldn’t do any good. I grabbed her hand.

“Come with me.” She gave me a look and followed me as I walked into our closet that had the full length mirror on the back wall.

“I know I'm pretty Jake you don’t need to-“

“No talking.” I said simply, grabbing for her sweatshirt. “Take this off.” She gave me a look like I was being a crazy person as she lifted her hands and let me peel it off of her, leaving her in her jeans and a tank.

“Jake…”

“Look.” I said pointing at the mirror. “Tell me what you see.” She shrugged.

“A girl who looks nice on the outside but isn’t nice on the inside.” She said finally, speaking more truths then I’d heard from her in a while. “Someone who’s not worth much and someone who you don’t want to marry.” The last part? It killed me. It made me hurt for her and want to scream at her but that wouldn’t have been helpful so instead I stood behind her.

“Let me show you Violet through my eyes then.” I said simply, pulling her hair out of the messy bun it was in and letting it cascade down her shoulers.

“You’re beautiful. That’s a given. You’ve always been the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but that’s not the first thing I notice.” Vi bit her lip.

“No?”

“Your eyes. They’re expressive and I'm able to tell just what you’re thinking by looking into them. And they show me a reflection of myself that makes me feel like I could be anything, just because you believe it. They cry at sad movies and tear up like crazy around onions and bat when you flirt and flutter while you sleep.”

“Jake…” Vi whispered.

“We’re only at your eyes Vi don’t interrupt, but that brings me to your lips, they speak truths and they stand up for the people you’re loyal to, they’re soft and lush and when I kiss them I get lost and I'm not even going to mention the other things you’re able to do with them.” I moved my hand down over her chest.  “Your heart. It’s big and warm and comforting and it loves me and it cares for people. But it’s missing love for itself and until it finds that it can’t be really full and I can’t force it…but you can.”

“I don’t know how…you’re the only one who’s ever loved me Jake.” I felt my body tense up and I wrapped my arms around her before pulling her back out of the room and grabbing my keys.

“Where are you going?” she asked, her eyes wide and a little overwhelmed for all the crazy I was being.

“Your parents. Want to come?” Vi’s eyes widened more in horror.

“Why?!”

“Because I'm going to ask them why they raised a daughter who thinks they don’t love them and then I'm going to my parents where you can see that it isn’t just me who loves you. It’s literally everyone that you let into your heart. Do you want to know the answer or not?”

"Jake-"  she stopped talking and ran her fingers through her hair before closing her eyes, looking like she couldn’t speak.

"Shhh." I whispered as I reached for her waist, keeping her up as I spoke.  "It's okay Vi, you can do it." I assured and she opened her eyes again, swallowing thickly.  

"Okay..." she trailed off looking like she was trying to force herself to breathe.

"Okay as you're coming?" I asked, trying to keep calm and collected to make her feel safe. She licked her top lip and then tugged on it with her teeth. My god she just didn’t get how sexy she was. Even when she wasn’t remotely trying.

"Yes." She said softly.  

"Good." I said as I offered a smile, grabbing her hand a leading her outside our apartment and we got into our car.

"Jake." She finally spoke as I got into the drivers side next to her. 

"Tell me baby."  I said in an encouraging voice as my hand dropped on her knee.

"Jake I can't do this, I'm sorry." She broke into a sob, hiding her face in her hands as I heard her stop sobbing.  

“Hey.” I tilted her head up and looked straight at her. “No one deserves your tears. Do you understand that?” she blinked.

“But-“ I shook my head.

“No. You’re strong Vi. I know you are. I’ve known you all my life.” I brushed her tears away with the pads of my thumbs as I looked at her. “Take a deep breath.” She just looked at me.

“Jake…” she choked out and I shook my head.

“Deep breaths baby.” I said, demonstrating, nodding as she followed me.

“Okay.” She whispered, looking back at me so wide eyed and innocent it was like I was looking at a five year old Violet all over again….

“Do you trust me?” I asked softly.

*flashback*

“VAROOOM!” I zoomed the motorcycle I got from Christmas around my yard again and again, chasing Eric on his silly bike.

“JACOB stop it!!” he yelled back, making the face he made when he wanted more cookies but mom said no. She called it “Stop pouting.” But to me he just looked like a baby.

“Who’s that?” I asked, stopping as a girl walked out of the house across the street with her mommy.

“Just play out here Violet, away from your father. He’s trying to work.” She made the same face Eric made and sat on the ground picking up the dandelions from her yard.

“She looks sad.” Eric pointed out before paddling off to our sandbox. She did look sad. She looked like my sisters dolls. I bet Anna would like to do her hair. I looked both ways and then crossed the street towards her.

“Hi.” I said looking down. The girl looked up. “Your eyes are blue like mine.” I told her.

“I know.” She nodded wiped away a tear on one of them.

“Are you sad?” I asked. She shrugged.

“Sometimes.”

“Want to be my friend? I'm Jacob but friends call me Jake.” She blinked at me.

“I'm Violet.” She said softly. “I'm five years old.”

“I'm seven so I'm older.” I liked being older. It usually meant I was the boss. “So I'm going to call you Vi because we’re friends and friends use nicknames. Want to go play in my sandbox?” Vi lifted her head as I pointed over to where Eric was. “That’s my brother Eric. Sometimes he’s stupid.” Vi giggled.

“Okay I’ll play with you.” She nodded standing up. I grabbed her hand.

“We have to hold hands when we cross the street. Do you trust me?” she just stared at me and then nodded very slowly.  She just looked at me with her big eyes.

"Yes." She said in a tiny voice like the ones in cartoons.  

"Good." I smiled at her.

"Wait!" she said and stopped, tugging at my arm. I blinked at her.

"Don't you want to come with me?" Feeling sad because I was pretty sure I was nice and fun.

"Yes but I forgot my teddy bear." I just smiled.

"You don't need it, you're with me."

present;

"I trust you with my life baby." She said seriously.

"You can do this..." I trailed off quietly, caressing her cheek and boring my eyes into hers. She leaned into my touch and I felt her muscles relax.

"I don't want to see my parents." she said quietly, not breaking eye contact and lifting her hand to my wrist to wrap her fingers around it.

"I know what you think, but I don't want to go through that pain again."

"Okay Vi, I can't force you but-" I started but she cut me off.

"One day I hope I'll be strong enough to face them, just not today." She explained quietly. I let out a sigh and dropped my hands on her lap, nodding my head and knowing she’d need to do it some time.

"It's fine baby, but for the record? I already told you, you're already strong."

"See, I'm not the only blinded by love." she said in a silly voice making me smile softly,

"I meant it."

"We can still go to your parents if you want. I'm always happy to see them." She bit her lip. "And when we'll be back home I'll take my stuff and I'll spend a few days away." she added softly.

“No.” I said shaking my head and staring at her. She blinked.

“No?” I swallowed.

“That was a stupid thing for me to say Vi. I don’t want you to be away from me for a second, I don’t think I could survive a few days.” I admitted, wincing at how totally obsessed I sounded. Vi’s lips tilted up into a real grin and she bit her lip.

“Oh Jakey….” She trailed off and then she was sliding over the seat into my lap and pressing soft kisses all over my face.

“I'm clingy a little I know.” I teased, kissing her back whenever her lips would hit mine. I held her waist and pulled her body as close to mine as I could get it, pushing her hair out of her face to look into her stunning eyes.

“I'm sorry things got messy with us Vi. Please don’t think I love you less, or want you less. I love you more every second….hell I’ve loved you since the day you came to play in my sandbox with me and then you beat me at go fish.” Vi grinned.

“I beat you at most things.” She replied and I gave her a face.

“You’re the only person in the world I love losing to.” I replied, leaning in as I cupped her face and kissing her passionately, sliding my tongue into her mouth and tasting her before pulling back. “Where to?”

“Well now I don’t want to go anywhere.” She smirked, as her hips moved forward and I groaned slightly.

“You’re being a tease baby…” I trailed off, taking a second to look up her body….”God you’re beautiful.” I whispered, knowing she knew that already before looking in her eyes. “If only you knew how much more beautiful you were on the inside too.” Vi looked like she might start crying right there and I held her face to catch any tears.

“Jakey stop being so perfect…no girl could resist it.” I smirked at her.

“Don’t resist it then.” I replied. “Sounds super simple.”

“I’ll start believing you’re not real instead, just a figment of my imagination.” I laughed.

“I'm a pretty realistic figment.” I teased, moving my hands to her as.s and squeezing it lightly.

"As long as you're with me I don't care if you're real or not." she scrunched her pretty face up and leaned in to kiss my nose, making me chuckle.  

"That sounds crazy baby." I said and shook my head before leaning it back against my seat. Vi let her hands run down my chest.

"I am crazy." She sighed and I grinned because she wasn’t crazy, she was just human.

"I love you like this, crazy." I paused and then I gave her a more serious look so that I could talk seriously to her. "Are you still willing to see a therapist?" she bit down on her lip.

“Yes Jakey, I've promised already." She nodded.

"I just want you to be more confident about what's in here." I said softly and set my hand against her chest. "And here." I added, pressing a kiss on her forehead.  She leaned into me, nuzzling against my neck and feeling like she fit so perfectly.

"You're there baby." she whispered.

"When we'll both be ready, I'll be here too." I said as I reached for her hand and kissed her ring finger. She looked up at me, her eyes widening as I said it, probably shocking her but I meant it. I never didn’t want to marry her. I did. Just when we were ready.  

“Baby..." she trailed off but I spoke before she could continue.

"I want to get there, just..." I paused to take a deep breath, trying to find the words that wouldn’t make her feel rejected again. "Not now, we need more time."

 "Okay." she nodded as she looked at me but she seemed to be happy, to be really happy and not just saying what I wanted to hear.  

"I'll try to get better, less crazy." I brushed the hair off her face and cupped her cheek.

“You're not upset, are you? I want us to be back to who we were."

"I want that too and no, I'm not upset. I'll be patient and work on myself to be better with my love." She said seriously as she leaned into me, kissing my lips softly as if closing the deal.