I was born sick, but I love it

I walked towards my brother's house, stumbling a little because I was tired, I was heartbroken, and I was a little drunk too. No, I wasn't drunk, but I had drunk a little, just enough to swallow away some of my pain. I didn't know when it'd stop, I was so close to crawl back to her and ask her to take me back bt for what? For hearing her say that I wasn't enough, that she wasn't enough, that we couldn't work and all that bullshit. Fuck no. It would go away, it'd pass just like everything in life. I ran my hand through my hair, hoping that I would find some comfort in my brother, the one I had been pushed away for weeks now. I wanted to be alone, I didn't want anyone to see how deeply Lila had wounded me. I had been an idiot, I was still an idiot.
Laughter reached my ears and I stopped walking, I blinked, thinking I was allucinating because I thought that was Lila laughing. It couldn't be. Maybe I had one drink too much. My feet started moving again as I headed to the back of my brother's house and there, I was sure I was allucinating. For real. Because I could see Lila, laughing with my brother and looking happy. "F.uck." I said and rubbed my hands over my face, the voices gone, but when I focused my look on the porch again, Lila was still there, with my brother. "What the f.uck are you doing here?" I asked, still not sure if I was seeing the reality of things.
She finally noticed me and stopped laughing, her face dropping. "Travis-"

"Why are you here with my brother, laughing and looking happy when I'm going through hell because of you?" I heard myself say, more like shout, as the anger I knew too well got ahold of me. I thought that I couldn't get more angry or upset. I was wrong. Oh, how much I was wrong and in so many ways.
My brother, on the other hand, didn't look impressed at all. He knew me better than anyone else. "You had a few, uh?" He asked.
"Jax please, stay out of this." I told him seriously, staring at him and knowing he had nothing to do with this. But he had to mind his own business.
"Hey!" Lila glared at me. "You can't come to his home unannounced and then be rude to him. God what is wrong with you?!" She said seriously, making me want to laugh because my brother didn't need anyone to defend him mostly not a kid.
"Oh I forgot you were my brothers keeper." I snarled, running my hand through his hair.
"Cute." She said monotonously before turning to Jax, "I should go."
He shook his head. "You don't have to." What. Hell yes.
"Yes. She does." I glared at her.
"Seriously? I'm friends with Jax, whether or not you like it."
I took a step closer, daring her to say the wrong thing again. And again and again like she had done one zillion times in the past. "I don't like it." I said, enunciating every word. That was a lie, I didn't mind them to be friends, but I hated that my brother still got to see her while I had lost her again, and I hated even more that she was there now.
"Good for you." She replied, copying my voice pattern.
Jax stepped between us. "Look you're going to see each other sometimes and you're going to have to be civil-" He started, trying to sound the like the calm voice of reason.
"I'd love to be!" She exclaimed, sounding like a fucking brat who was about to stomp her feet and throw a tantrum too. "But he's incapable!"
"It's really too bad you didn't see her first brother, then she could be your problem instead of mine." I said bitterly, only wanting to hurt her.
"If that's what you think than you didn't deserve a single second with me you overgrown arrogant asshole." She yelled, Jax having stepped back when I spoke to him. I stepped closer, getting as much in my face as she could considering our height difference. "How dare you blame me for what you're going through?! You could have avoided it all by actually being in the relationship instead of being so fucking selfish!!!"
"If I'm so selfish, then why were you telling me how much you loved me every other minute?!" I snapped back.
"Because you love someone even with their faults!!!" She was being too loud and Jax had backed off, shaking his head and knowing it would be better for him to just not talk while we had it out. "Apparently I had too many for you to experience that but I assure you it's true."
I let out a bitter laugh, feeling somehow amused. It wouldn't last long though, I'd go back to my misery soon. "True? All you do is lie Lila. You say the things you think are true, but truth is, you only make up excuses to avoid your responsibilities."
At that Jax shook his head again, watching me and I knew he was disappoined but he wouldn't stop me. He was too smart for that. "I'm not going to watch you two tear each other apart." He announced and made his way back into his house.
"Hey, she's the one who has to leave, not you! I came here for you!" I called after my brother, a little too late, or simply he was ignoring me. I looked back at Lila, "Why are you still here? You're so good at leaving. Why don't you leave me now, uhm?"
"I left you already, asshole!" She shouted at me, taking a step closer and for a moment I thought she was about to push me. I found myself wanting that. I wanted her to take it all out, and on me. "And I avoid nothing!"
I challenged her with the way I was looking at her, ready for a fight, "God, how can you even sleep? How can you even live with all your b.ullshit? You know I'm right Lila, or you wouldn't get so angry." I pointed out, knowing which buttons to push. Unfortunately.
She seemed to compose herself instead, not giving me what I wanted. What was new. "You're drunk and you have no idea of what you're talking about." She said in a tone of forced calm.
"I see things perfectly instead. Do you think I don't know why you got so close with Jax?" I asked, pointing at my brother's house as I stared at my ex girlfriend, "Because he has the kind of personality that is good for you. Not me. I'm good for f.ucking and having fun, I'm the guy you sleep with and then decide to dump because it's no fun anymore, because I'm too hard to handle. Do you think I don't know that? I'm f.ucked up and there's no way I can change..." I trailed off, my chest growing heavier with pain as I listened to myself, meaning my words even if I never said them out loud. "But you're a fucking liar, and you can't even accept the truth."
"You're right. Such a good observation." Lila gave me a grin that looked nothing like the one she usually had whenever something worthy happened.
I rose my brows at me and stepped back. "What?"
"I'm agreeing with you." She said shrugging. She was fucking with my mind.
"Your denial thing stop working?" I asked, snapping back to my attitude.
"No I'm just so glad you're finally listening to me. It's a relief for me to know that you understand that you're not fun and such a burden. That's why I left."
"Stop fucking with me Lila I'm not in the mood." I told her seriously.
She gave me a look of false innocence that made me want to punch a wall. "I don't understand Travis, first you want me to admit to my bullshit, now you don't like it when I do?"
"You're not, your voice is dripping with sarcasm!!!" I roared.
"Oh, so sarcasm you understand, but when I'm begging you to listen to me, it's difficult? I didn't fall in love with you because of sex and fun. And I hate that I left. I literally regret it every single day, but seeing you every other day really helps."
"More sarcasm." I pointed out, though my voice was quieter as she admitted real feelings. Or what she thought was real.
"I told you why I did a million times, and yes, some of those times were to convince myself and YES I wish that I had never done it because I miss you so much it eats away at me all day long and it's a literal struggle to get up in the morning. I fucked us up. I get it Trav. You don't need to yell at me to convince me."
"Finally." I muttered and stared at her, I wasn't sure if she got things right completely. I didn't know if she realized that we were done for good...I did. And it tore me apart, at the same time it enraged me. "How is it?"
She blinked a moment, as if she wasn't understanding me. "What?"
"How is it to know we're done, that you threw everything away just because you're too immature to handle me? Because you were too focused on the bad and never on the good, uh?" I asked, though I didn't want answers. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling.
"Travis stop." She warned, but I could tell she was coming apart.
I didn't, instead I went on. "How is it to wake up in the morning and not find me there? How do you deal with missing me and knowing everything you miss you do because of you?"
She shook her head and stepped back, slowly, her body saying a lot more than words. I was pushing her away by hurting her even if I had never wanted to. "You-" she started but I wasn't done.
I closed the distance she had put between us, my face closer to hers now, "I'm going to tell you how it is. It sucks. It f.ucking sucks, and what's even worse is that you know it's never going to come back." I growled, staring into her eyes. I wanted her out of my life, my mind, my heart.
"Why are you hurting me like this?" She said in a pained whisper, but I had no mercy.
"Because you deserve it." I answered lowly, needing at least another full bottle of whiskey.
"Are you telling me how I feel or how you feel waking up without me knowing that you pushed me away and you're never getting me back!?" Lila asked, pushing back.
"I pushed YOU away?! Are you kidding me?"
"You pushed me away all the time Travis!!!"
"If I did it's because I knew you weren't good enough to handle me!" I retorted, only to piss her off. And I did, because I knew which buttons to push.
She widened her eyes and then she reached out and slapped me across the face. I felt nothing. She reached out to do it again but I grabbed her hand. "Let me go!!!" She kicked me instead, still having no effect on me.
"Don't hit me." I growled.
"Don't pretend like you don't need me!!!" She yelled back.
I laughed condescendlingly as I let her go and walked back. "Need you? If I ever needed anything from you it was your body and there are plenty of bodies like it." She growled.
"Oh really? If that's true then lets go get it on right now." She offered.
I blinked. "What?!"
"If I was just sex than you should want more huh?"
I shook my head, the thought not appealing to me at all. "Not anymore."
"God you have to get drunk and stupid and still you're lying to yourself and me." She rolled her eyes.
"I'm not drunk. And I wasn't even expecting to see you but you're fucking everywhere I turn!!" I protested.
"SO LEAVE!!!"
"I AM!!!" I shouted back in her face, so fucking angry I was seeing red.
"Enough you two." My brother's firm voice cut into our delirious conversation, his body getting between ours a second later, "If you keep screaming like that someone's going to call the cops."
I let out a bitter laugh, watching Lila from over my brother's shoulder, "So what? Maybe we'd be lucky enough to see Lila's brother." I pointed out sarcastically.
Lila looked vivid with rage, her face red, "You-"
"Travis, come on!" Jackson turned to me, his tone showing annoyance and something else. I could see from the look on his face he was serious and he was also tired of this situation. But hey, it wasn't my fault.
"I'm going home so that you can handle this liar on your own." I muttered under my breath, running my hands through my hair and walking towards my bike.
"I'm not a liar!" Lila snapped, but Jax gave her a look too which made her shut her mouth. Finally, and thank god. It lasted less than a bunch of seconds though. "He can't drive like this." She added, this time talking to my brother only.
"I do the fuck I want." I retorted as I reached for my helmet, my phone ringing in the process. "Hey." I answered to Karlie.
"Are you going out tonight?" She asked from the other side of the phone, "Jax is not coming."
"Yeah I know that and no, I'm not in the mood to see people." I said in monotone, avoiding to look at my audience and wondering why they were still there.
"I bet...I heard what happened." She said slowly, letting me know she knew about Lila, "Do you want to come over?"
I grinned, because for once I was glad to hear Karlie. She was a great company when she wasn't crazy. "Sure darlin, I'll be there in 5 minutes." I hung up, ignoring my brother and Lila completely as I got on my bike.
"Who was that?!" She asked, calling after me as Jax tried to pull her back.
"Lila, don't make it worse." He begged.
"It's none of your business who calls me." I spat back, though a grin was on my face.
"Do you like this?! Do you enjoy hurting me?" She asked desperately.
"If I am it's not my fault." I shrugged, starting my bike at the same time she pulled out of Jax's hold.
"If you fuck her now you will NEVER see me again." She yelled seriously.
That made me stop. I turned off my bike and hopped off it, taking strides to get closer to her.
"Then I guess I better fuck her good." I said softly, my eyes cold and my voice low. I was at my worst.
I walked back to my bike and hopped on it, not losing another second because I knew that if I watched her falling apart? I wouldn't go. So I started my bike and drove away, the cold air of the night sobering me as I did my best not to get killed in the process. I was out of my mind, literally, like I had never been before, so fucking angry I wanted to destroy everything or everyone that crossed my path.
It didn't take me more than a bunch of minutes to get to Karlie's place, my fist knocking on her door a little too louder than I had intended, I was having a hard time controlling myself.
"Hey." My ex said with a smile as she opened the door and let me in, her expression giving away how happy she was to see me. I was an asshole, because I knew this would do her no good, and I was an asshole for many more reasons.
"What's up?" I asked and headed to her couch, dropping my helmet on a chair in the process as I made myself at home.
She joined me a few seconds later, a drink in her hand that I guessed was for me. It looked like whiskey. "I was watching a movie." She answered, giving me the glass just like I knew she would. Some things never changed and she still knew me well.
I downed it in one sip before setting it on her coffee table, my back resting on a cushion as I stared at the tv though I couldn't see anything, just like I couldn't feel anything. I was numb. "How come didn't you go out?" I asked, knowing that she liked spending her nights out with the rest of our friends.
She shrugged and took a seat next to me, her legs tucked on a side as she leaned just so slightly against me. "Only the guys were out tonight, I'd get bored with no girls." She said simply, watching me and ignoring her movie. "What about you?"
"I didn't feel like seeing people tonight." I answered quietly, turning my face to look at her. For a brief moment, she looked like she once used to. Happy. The realization hit me hard, but not hard enough.
She leaned further into me as her hand dropped on my chest, a teasing smirk on her pretty mouth, "Me only?" She asked. I didn't answer and just looked at her instead, setting my hand on top of hers and wondering if the pain she had feel was anywhere close to the one I was feeling now. Probably worse. She took avantage of that moment of silence and closed the distance between us slowly, her lips pressing against mine in a soft kiss.
I closed my eyes and kissed her back, my arm going around her shoulders to keep her close to me. At first there was some kind of connection, some desperation we both felt that made it right, then, just as soon as it had come, it went away. Her lips weren't like Lila's, her body wasn't, my heart wasn't beating fast but I only felt worse, like I was dying inside a little. I broke the kiss before it could get deep, letting out a sigh and setting my forehead against hers. "I love you, but we can't go back to this." I said softly, not wanting to hurt her more than I had already done in the past.
She nodded, looking a little sad, but at the same time she looked as if she knew that already. We couldn't fall into the distructive behavior of the past. "She's different for you, isn't she?" She whispered.
I nodded myself, because no matter how much I loved Karlie, it was Lila I was in love with and that was why she had hurt me so much. "I think so." I answered quietly, leaning my head back against the couch.
She snuggled closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder and squeezing my hand as if comforting me. I was surprised. "Stay here tonight. I don't want to be alone either." She said after a few seconds. I pulled my head back to look down at her, wanting to guess her intentions. "I'm fine Trav, you'll be fine too." She added, offering a smile.
I kissed the top of her head, guessing that for once Karlie and I could be like normal friends. It was weird, it was nice too, no matter if it'd last. "Let's not think about that now." I told her in a final tone, my eyes back to the tv screen and my mind back to Lila.