you're gonna miss me everywhere by ssaarah
"I know I'm a pathetic mess." Jax shook his head and sat down on the couch next to me.
"You're not pathetic." He took a sip of the beer he'd gotten himself and then looked bak at me. "You don't look good though."
"I know." I nodded. I could barely do anything, I got up, I worked all day and then cried myself to sleep. I thought it would get better, that slowly I'd stop feeling like there was a hole inside of me. I mean I'd been hurt before right? In college Brian Driscoe cheated on me with two Alpha Beta girls at the same time and then told everyone I was an awful lay. I cried for a week but I got over it. But this was like a neverending suck hole that was just bringing me down further every minute. "Say something funny."
"What?" Jax laughed.
"Just talk to me, I need stop wallowing and think about something else. How are things going with my sister?" That got a big ass grin on his handsome face.
"Good." He nodded.
"What do you really think is going to happen there anyways?" I asked, not wanting to point out the obvious, that Colbie had a son and the possibility of this thing between them becoming anything was basically nothing.
"We're just having fun" he shrugged. "She's awesome."
"Duh, she's just like me." I teased and Jax laughed.
"She's almost the opposite of you instead, but just as hot." He winked and this time I was the one to laugh.
"Just as hot? Please Colbie is way hotter." I grinned and he shrugged.
"She's gorgeous." He agreed. "Why doesn't she know it?" I opened my mouth to speak when a cold rush of air went through me and I looked up to see a very familiar figure standing in the doorway.
"What the f.uck are you doing here?" Travis asked, his eyes stormy with rage.
"Travis-"
"Why are you here with my brother, laughing and looking happy when I'm going through hell because of you?" he shouted and I felt myself scoot back, not prepared for his temper, not prepared to see him at all.
"You had a few, uh?" Jax asked, his face telling me he wasn't impressed with his little brother right now.
"Jax please, stay out of this." he said, glaring at him.
"Hey!" I glared at Travis. "You can't come to his home unannounced and then be rude to him. God what is wrong with you?!" I said seriously, pissed off that he had ruined the one semi-good day I'd had all week.
"Oh I forgot you were my brothers keeper." He snarled, running his hand through his hair.
"Cute." I said monotonously before turning to Jax; "I should go." He shook his head.
"You don't have to."
"Yes. She does." Travis glared at me.
"Seriously? I'm friends with Jax, whether or not you like it." He took a step closer and I could smell the whiskey on his breath.
"I don't like it." He said, enunciating every word.
"Good for you." I replied, copying his voice pattern. Jax stepped between us.
"Look you're going to see each other sometimes and you're going to have to be civil-" He started, trying to sound the like the calm voice of reason.
"I'd love to be!" I exclaimed. "But he's incapable!"
"It's really too bad you didn't see her first brother, then she could be your problem instead of mine." I felt my heart break all over again that he would think the only reason I was with him was because he saw me first, that that was all we had that made us a couple. At the same time all of my patience snapped.
"If that's what you think than you didn't deserve a single second with me you overgrown arrogant a.sshole." I yelled, Jax having stepped back when Travis spoke to him. I stepped closer, getting as much in his face as I could considering our height difference. "How dare you blame me for what you're going through?! You could have avoided it all by actually being in the relationship instead of being so fu.cking selfish!!!"
"If I'm so selfish, then why were you telling me how much you loved me every other minute?!"
"Because you love someone even with their faults!!!" I was being too loud and Jax had backed off, shaking his head and knowing it would be better for him to just not talk while we had it out. "Apparently I had too many for you to experience that but I assure you it's true." Travis let out a bitter laugh that gave me chills in a bad way.
"True? All you do is lie Lila. You say the things you think are true, but truth is, you only make up excuses to avoid your responsibilities." Jax shook his head again but didn't intervene.
"I'm not going to watch you two tear each other apart." He announced and made his way back into his house.
"Hey, she's the one who has to leave, not you! I came here for you!" he called after Jax who was already gone. "Why are you still here? You're so good at leaving. Why don't you leave me now, uhm?"
"I left you already, asshole!" I shouted, so fucking pissed off that the second I'd stopped thinking about him? He showed up in front of me and ruined my day all over again. "And I avoid nothing!"
"God, how can you even sleep? How can you even live with all your bullshit? You know I'm right Lila, or you wouldn't get so angry." He growled and I could tell he was goading me, pushing buttons he knew would rile me up, but I wasn't about to play his games today.
"You're drunk and you have no idea of what you're talking about." I said in a tone of forced calm.
"I see things perfectly instead. Do you think I don't know why you got so close with Jax?" he asked, pointing at the door to his house without taking his eyes off me. "Because he has the kind of personality that is good for you. Not me. I'm good for fucking and having fun, I'm the guy you sleep with and then decide to dump because it's no fun anymore, because I'm too hard to handle. Do you think I don't know that? I'm f.ucked up and there's no way I can change..." he trailed off, looking pained and angry at the same time. "But you're a fucking liar, and you can't even accept the truth."
"You're right. Such a good observation." I gave him a grin that I didn't feel. He rose his brows at me and stepped back.
"What?"
"I'm agreeing with you." I said shrugging.
"Your denial thing stop working?" he asked, snapping back to his drunken as.shole behaivor.
"No I'm just so glad you're finally listening to me. It's a relief for me to know that you understand that you're not fun and such a burden. That's why I left."
"Stop fu.cking with me Lila I'm not in the mood." I gave him a look of false innocence.
"I don't understand Travis, first you want me to admit to my bullshi.t, now you don't like it when I do?"
"You're not, your voice is dripping with sarcasm!!!" He roared.
"Oh, so sarcasm you understand, but when I'm begging you to listen to me, it's difficult? I didn't fall in love with you because of sex and fun. And I hate that I left. I literally regret it every single day, but seeing you every other day really helps."
"More sarcasm." He pointed out, though his voice was quieter as I admitted real feelings.
"I told you why I did a million times, and yes, some of those times were to convince myself and YES I wish that I had never done it because I miss you so much it eats away at me all day long and it's a literal struggle to get up in the morning. I fucked us up. I get it Trav. You don't need to yell at me to convince me."
"Finally." he muttered. "How is it?"
"What?"
"How is it to know we're done, that you threw everything away just because you're too immature to handle me? Because you were too focused on the bad and never on the good, uh?" he asked, pushing my buttons again but this time? It was working.
"Travis stop." I warned, not wanting to break in front of him again. I had too many times. He had too much of me, I didn't want to give him more. He didn't want all of me anyways.
"How is it to wake up in the morning and not find me there? How do you deal with missing me and knowing everything you miss you do because of you?" I shook my head and stepped back, not knowing if I was going to speak without shaking.
"You-" I started but he closed the distance I had put between us, lowering his head to be closer to me.
"I'm going to tell you how it is. It sucks. It fucking sucks, and what's even worse is that you know it's never going to come back."
"Why are you hurting me like this?" I said in a pained whisper, hating myself more for my vulnerability. He was my weakness and he knew it.
"Because you deserve it." he shouted.
"Are you telling me how I feel or how you feel waking up without me knowing that you pushed me away and you're never getting me back!?" I asked, pushing back.
"I pushed YOU away?! Are you kidding me?"
"You pushed me away all the time Travis!!!"
"If I did it's because I knew you weren't good enough to handle me!" I widened my eyes and then I reached out and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. I reached out to do it again but he grabbed my hand.
"Let me go!!!" I kicked him instead, but he was built like a damn wall. God I was so angry and being angry? Felt way better than being heartbroken and sad. The anger was rising up inside of me and making me feel powerful even with his strength holding me back.
"Don't hit me." He growled.
"Don't pretend like you don't need me!!!" I yelled back leaving out how badly I needed him too. He laughed condesendlingly as he let me go and walked back.
"Need you? If I ever needed anything from you it was your body and there are plenty of bodies like it." I growled. Seriously.
"Oh really? If that's true then lets go get it on right now." I offered. He blinked.
"What?!"
"If I was just sex than you should want more huh?" He shook his head.
"Not anymore."
"God you have to get drunk and stupid and still you're lying to yourself and me." I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not drunk. And I wasn't even expecting to see you but you're fuc.king everywhere I turn!!"
"SO LEAVE!!!"
"I AM!!!" he yelled back.
"Enough you two." Jax didn't yell like we were but his voice was strong and calm as he stepped between us. "If you keep screaming like that someone's going to call the cops."
"So what? Maybe we'd be lucky enough to see Lila's brother." he said, pointedly staring at me and bringing up something that had broken our relationship.
"You-"
"Travis, come on!" Jackson turned to his brother giving him a look that I couldn't see.
"I'm going home so that you can handle this liar on your own." he muttered under his breath, running his hands through his hair and walking towards his bike.
"I'm not a liar!" I snapped, but Jax gave me a look so filled with pity I shut up. I hated pity. "He can't drive like this." I added to Jax.
"I do the fuck I want." he retorted as he reached for his helmet before picking up his phone. "Hey."
"Yeah I know that and no, I'm not in the mood to see people." Good. I hoped he sat in his stupid house and drank himself stupid. But then he grinned.
"Sure darlin, I'll be there in 5 minutes." Darlin?.....DARLIN?!?! he hung up, ignoring me completely as he got on his bike.
"Who was that?!" I asked, calling after him as Jax tried to pull me back.
"Lila, don't make it worse." He begged, his face telling me what I already knew. He knew who had been on the phone. I knew it too.
"It's none of your business who calls me." He spat back, though a grin was on his stupid face. Seriously, a fuc.king grin.
"Do you like this?! Do you enjoy hurting me?" I asked desperately, feeling so close to literally falling apart as if I was loosening at the seams more every second.
"If I am it's not my fault." he shrugged, starting his bike at the same time I pulled out of Jax's hold.
"If you fuck her now you will NEVER see me again." I yelled seriously. That made him stop. He turned off his bike and hopped off it, taking strides to get closer to me.
"Then I guess I better fuck her good." He said softly, his eyes cold and his voice low with danger. I couldn't move I could barely breathe, my mind was full of his body touching a faceless brunettes and I thought I might actually throw up. Where as the thoght of touching someone else literally made me sick? He was able to use sex as a weapon against me. There was no us anymore. There was no anything anymore.
"LILA!" I heard Jax's voice before he grabbed me as I sunk to the ground, not even able to stand anymore, not able to do anything at all but listen to the sounds of my man driving off to be with the girl he really wanted.
"Want a beer?" Jax asked, rummaging through the mini fridge on his porch. I shrugged.
"Got anything stronger?" He sighed.
"Lila." I set my head in my hands and swallowed.
"Got anything stronger?" He sighed.
"Lila." I set my head in my hands and swallowed.
"I know I'm a pathetic mess." Jax shook his head and sat down on the couch next to me.
"You're not pathetic." He took a sip of the beer he'd gotten himself and then looked bak at me. "You don't look good though."
"I know." I nodded. I could barely do anything, I got up, I worked all day and then cried myself to sleep. I thought it would get better, that slowly I'd stop feeling like there was a hole inside of me. I mean I'd been hurt before right? In college Brian Driscoe cheated on me with two Alpha Beta girls at the same time and then told everyone I was an awful lay. I cried for a week but I got over it. But this was like a neverending suck hole that was just bringing me down further every minute. "Say something funny."
"What?" Jax laughed.
"Just talk to me, I need stop wallowing and think about something else. How are things going with my sister?" That got a big ass grin on his handsome face.
"Good." He nodded.
"What do you really think is going to happen there anyways?" I asked, not wanting to point out the obvious, that Colbie had a son and the possibility of this thing between them becoming anything was basically nothing.
"We're just having fun" he shrugged. "She's awesome."
"Duh, she's just like me." I teased and Jax laughed.
"She's almost the opposite of you instead, but just as hot." He winked and this time I was the one to laugh.
"Just as hot? Please Colbie is way hotter." I grinned and he shrugged.
"She's gorgeous." He agreed. "Why doesn't she know it?" I opened my mouth to speak when a cold rush of air went through me and I looked up to see a very familiar figure standing in the doorway.
"What the f.uck are you doing here?" Travis asked, his eyes stormy with rage.
"Travis-"
"Why are you here with my brother, laughing and looking happy when I'm going through hell because of you?" he shouted and I felt myself scoot back, not prepared for his temper, not prepared to see him at all.
"You had a few, uh?" Jax asked, his face telling me he wasn't impressed with his little brother right now.
"Jax please, stay out of this." he said, glaring at him.
"Hey!" I glared at Travis. "You can't come to his home unannounced and then be rude to him. God what is wrong with you?!" I said seriously, pissed off that he had ruined the one semi-good day I'd had all week.
"Oh I forgot you were my brothers keeper." He snarled, running his hand through his hair.
"Cute." I said monotonously before turning to Jax; "I should go." He shook his head.
"You don't have to."
"Yes. She does." Travis glared at me.
"Seriously? I'm friends with Jax, whether or not you like it." He took a step closer and I could smell the whiskey on his breath.
"I don't like it." He said, enunciating every word.
"Good for you." I replied, copying his voice pattern. Jax stepped between us.
"Look you're going to see each other sometimes and you're going to have to be civil-" He started, trying to sound the like the calm voice of reason.
"I'd love to be!" I exclaimed. "But he's incapable!"
"It's really too bad you didn't see her first brother, then she could be your problem instead of mine." I felt my heart break all over again that he would think the only reason I was with him was because he saw me first, that that was all we had that made us a couple. At the same time all of my patience snapped.
"If that's what you think than you didn't deserve a single second with me you overgrown arrogant a.sshole." I yelled, Jax having stepped back when Travis spoke to him. I stepped closer, getting as much in his face as I could considering our height difference. "How dare you blame me for what you're going through?! You could have avoided it all by actually being in the relationship instead of being so fu.cking selfish!!!"
"If I'm so selfish, then why were you telling me how much you loved me every other minute?!"
"Because you love someone even with their faults!!!" I was being too loud and Jax had backed off, shaking his head and knowing it would be better for him to just not talk while we had it out. "Apparently I had too many for you to experience that but I assure you it's true." Travis let out a bitter laugh that gave me chills in a bad way.
"True? All you do is lie Lila. You say the things you think are true, but truth is, you only make up excuses to avoid your responsibilities." Jax shook his head again but didn't intervene.
"I'm not going to watch you two tear each other apart." He announced and made his way back into his house.
"Hey, she's the one who has to leave, not you! I came here for you!" he called after Jax who was already gone. "Why are you still here? You're so good at leaving. Why don't you leave me now, uhm?"
"I left you already, asshole!" I shouted, so fucking pissed off that the second I'd stopped thinking about him? He showed up in front of me and ruined my day all over again. "And I avoid nothing!"
"God, how can you even sleep? How can you even live with all your bullshit? You know I'm right Lila, or you wouldn't get so angry." He growled and I could tell he was goading me, pushing buttons he knew would rile me up, but I wasn't about to play his games today.
"You're drunk and you have no idea of what you're talking about." I said in a tone of forced calm.
"I see things perfectly instead. Do you think I don't know why you got so close with Jax?" he asked, pointing at the door to his house without taking his eyes off me. "Because he has the kind of personality that is good for you. Not me. I'm good for fucking and having fun, I'm the guy you sleep with and then decide to dump because it's no fun anymore, because I'm too hard to handle. Do you think I don't know that? I'm f.ucked up and there's no way I can change..." he trailed off, looking pained and angry at the same time. "But you're a fucking liar, and you can't even accept the truth."
"You're right. Such a good observation." I gave him a grin that I didn't feel. He rose his brows at me and stepped back.
"What?"
"I'm agreeing with you." I said shrugging.
"Your denial thing stop working?" he asked, snapping back to his drunken as.shole behaivor.
"No I'm just so glad you're finally listening to me. It's a relief for me to know that you understand that you're not fun and such a burden. That's why I left."
"Stop fu.cking with me Lila I'm not in the mood." I gave him a look of false innocence.
"I don't understand Travis, first you want me to admit to my bullshi.t, now you don't like it when I do?"
"You're not, your voice is dripping with sarcasm!!!" He roared.
"Oh, so sarcasm you understand, but when I'm begging you to listen to me, it's difficult? I didn't fall in love with you because of sex and fun. And I hate that I left. I literally regret it every single day, but seeing you every other day really helps."
"More sarcasm." He pointed out, though his voice was quieter as I admitted real feelings.
"I told you why I did a million times, and yes, some of those times were to convince myself and YES I wish that I had never done it because I miss you so much it eats away at me all day long and it's a literal struggle to get up in the morning. I fucked us up. I get it Trav. You don't need to yell at me to convince me."
"Finally." he muttered. "How is it?"
"What?"
"How is it to know we're done, that you threw everything away just because you're too immature to handle me? Because you were too focused on the bad and never on the good, uh?" he asked, pushing my buttons again but this time? It was working.
"Travis stop." I warned, not wanting to break in front of him again. I had too many times. He had too much of me, I didn't want to give him more. He didn't want all of me anyways.
"How is it to wake up in the morning and not find me there? How do you deal with missing me and knowing everything you miss you do because of you?" I shook my head and stepped back, not knowing if I was going to speak without shaking.
"You-" I started but he closed the distance I had put between us, lowering his head to be closer to me.
"I'm going to tell you how it is. It sucks. It fucking sucks, and what's even worse is that you know it's never going to come back."
"Why are you hurting me like this?" I said in a pained whisper, hating myself more for my vulnerability. He was my weakness and he knew it.
"Because you deserve it." he shouted.
"Are you telling me how I feel or how you feel waking up without me knowing that you pushed me away and you're never getting me back!?" I asked, pushing back.
"I pushed YOU away?! Are you kidding me?"
"You pushed me away all the time Travis!!!"
"If I did it's because I knew you weren't good enough to handle me!" I widened my eyes and then I reached out and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. I reached out to do it again but he grabbed my hand.
"Let me go!!!" I kicked him instead, but he was built like a damn wall. God I was so angry and being angry? Felt way better than being heartbroken and sad. The anger was rising up inside of me and making me feel powerful even with his strength holding me back.
"Don't hit me." He growled.
"Don't pretend like you don't need me!!!" I yelled back leaving out how badly I needed him too. He laughed condesendlingly as he let me go and walked back.
"Need you? If I ever needed anything from you it was your body and there are plenty of bodies like it." I growled. Seriously.
"Oh really? If that's true then lets go get it on right now." I offered. He blinked.
"What?!"
"If I was just sex than you should want more huh?" He shook his head.
"Not anymore."
"God you have to get drunk and stupid and still you're lying to yourself and me." I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not drunk. And I wasn't even expecting to see you but you're fuc.king everywhere I turn!!"
"SO LEAVE!!!"
"I AM!!!" he yelled back.
"Enough you two." Jax didn't yell like we were but his voice was strong and calm as he stepped between us. "If you keep screaming like that someone's going to call the cops."
"So what? Maybe we'd be lucky enough to see Lila's brother." he said, pointedly staring at me and bringing up something that had broken our relationship.
"You-"
"Travis, come on!" Jackson turned to his brother giving him a look that I couldn't see.
"I'm going home so that you can handle this liar on your own." he muttered under his breath, running his hands through his hair and walking towards his bike.
"I'm not a liar!" I snapped, but Jax gave me a look so filled with pity I shut up. I hated pity. "He can't drive like this." I added to Jax.
"I do the fuck I want." he retorted as he reached for his helmet before picking up his phone. "Hey."
"Yeah I know that and no, I'm not in the mood to see people." Good. I hoped he sat in his stupid house and drank himself stupid. But then he grinned.
"Sure darlin, I'll be there in 5 minutes." Darlin?.....DARLIN?!?! he hung up, ignoring me completely as he got on his bike.
"Who was that?!" I asked, calling after him as Jax tried to pull me back.
"Lila, don't make it worse." He begged, his face telling me what I already knew. He knew who had been on the phone. I knew it too.
"It's none of your business who calls me." He spat back, though a grin was on his stupid face. Seriously, a fuc.king grin.
"Do you like this?! Do you enjoy hurting me?" I asked desperately, feeling so close to literally falling apart as if I was loosening at the seams more every second.
"If I am it's not my fault." he shrugged, starting his bike at the same time I pulled out of Jax's hold.
"If you fuck her now you will NEVER see me again." I yelled seriously. That made him stop. He turned off his bike and hopped off it, taking strides to get closer to me.
"Then I guess I better fuck her good." He said softly, his eyes cold and his voice low with danger. I couldn't move I could barely breathe, my mind was full of his body touching a faceless brunettes and I thought I might actually throw up. Where as the thoght of touching someone else literally made me sick? He was able to use sex as a weapon against me. There was no us anymore. There was no anything anymore.
"LILA!" I heard Jax's voice before he grabbed me as I sunk to the ground, not even able to stand anymore, not able to do anything at all but listen to the sounds of my man driving off to be with the girl he really wanted.
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