you're crazy and I'm out of my mind

I held my cup in my hand as I got out of the coffee shop, thinking that myabe today could be a decent day. My everyday goal was only to end the day and go to bed, trying not to get too mad or upset. So far, it was going well, I had the day off and that meant I could ride all day, forgetting my own thoughts while getting lost in the road.

Something, more like someone, ran into me, the tiny body hitting me full force and before I could even see who it was, I knew it was her, my body recognizing her before any of my other senses. "Oh sor-" Lila started but then she cut herself off as she looked up into my eyes. "Hi." She said softly.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my eyes cold as ice and my blood hot as fire already.

"I-" She started. "I wanted coffee?"

"You're 30 miles away from your place." I pointed out.

"I had a meeting with my art dealer." She said, shrugging.

"Okay." I turned to walk away, not able ho stand her having her so...there, when she had gone away from my life instead.

She reached out and grabbed my hand. "How are you?" She asked.

I freed my hand from her hold as if she had burned me and, in a way, she had. No matter how much I was trying to get stone cold, the thought of her and her warmth woke me up during the night. The days passed between work and working out, I took long rides on my bike, I kept myself busy and distracted. Until I fell asleep, I had the illusion that getting over Lila wasn't impossible. "I'm okay." I answered in monotone, more to be polite than anything else. I didn't want to talk to her.

"You look tired." She pointed out, studying my face carefully as she kept her still gorgeous eyes on me.

I resisted the urge to groan, instead I stared down at her. "That's why I got here, to get a coffee." I said back as my eyes dropped on the cup I was holding. "Bye Lila." I added and didn't wait for an answer, I didn't even want one. I walked out the coffee shop, my free hand reaching for a cigarette from the pack in my pocket as I headed to the bench next to where my bike was parked. No matter how far I went, I just had the worst luck. I hadn't met this girl for years, even if we worked in the same building, I wished it'd stay that way honestly.

"Travis." Her voice reached me again and for a moment I thought I was allucinating.

Then I lifted my gaze and there she was again, a cup in her own hand this time. "What do you want from me Lila? I have nothing to tell you." Came my response, it aiming to push her away.

"I just." Lila shook her head and looked at loss of words for a moment or two. "I'm so sorry." She said finally before turning away, that behaviour so typical of her.

"For what?" I asked before she could be too far.

She shrugged. "For everything." She admitted. "I never should have pushed for a relationship with you in the first place."

I looked at her, surprised that despite her intelligence she couldn't understand why I was so mad, and I had even explained to her again. She was just so fucking stubborn sometimes, like a little kid. "Do you think that's why I'm upset?" I asked incredulously.

"Maybe it would have been better if we had never been." She said softly, leaving me wonder if she really meant that, if she really believe in her own words.

I just shrugged, because I didn't have the answer to that myself. I was torn. "Maybe." I agreed eventually. She let out a little moan and looked pained, as if I had just punched her in the face. "Lil?" I stood up straighter. "Are you okay?"

She blinked, looking at the worry on myface. "I'm sorry. Sometimes....sometimes it hurts too much."

"...you left me." I reminded her.

"I know." She nodded. "I hate that I did. I should have fought for you but I wasn't strong enough."

"I'm not going to repeat myself, I'm not going to tell you that the only thing you did and I didn't want to happen was leaving me." I said slowly, staring at her because I had nothing to hide. I saw things clearly now, how she only had been scared and instead of admitting it she had left her insecurities swallow her whole and had blamed it all on me.

"But-" She cut herself off, taking a deep breath as if she was having a hard time talking. Seeing her like this killed me a little, but what got me angry was that I still cared and still hated seeing her so upset. "But you said that maybe it would've been better if we had never happened at all." She said finally.

"I don't know what I feel half of the time." I muttered under my breath as I sat back on the bench, taking a sip of coffee then a drag of smoke.

"I don't understand." She whispered and blinked at me, looking genuinely confused and really pale. I had seen her skin drained from color before and it was never a good sign.

"Are you okay Lil?" I asked as I grabbed her elbow, forcing her down, "Come on, sit." I urged, as gently as I could not wanting her to faint at my feet.

She did as told, her body so close to mine only infuriating me more because the effect she had on me was still...there, very much there, and it wasn't just the attraction. I couldn't bear the thought of not having her mine anymore, that was the truth. "You're mad." She pointed out after a few moment, her tiny frame shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"You betrayed me Lila." I said in a low voice, everything surfacing again. When she stared at me, more confused then before, I shook my head. "I trusted you could give me some faith in relationships, you know I thought we could make it. That I could make it and I could be with someone again...then you threw it all away. So yes, I'm mad, I'm mad at myself for being a fool, for believing that I could get close to someone again."

"I felt like it was a relationship that was based on what you wanted. Whenever you said jump I'd say how high and it wasn't the same when I needed you." Lila said, sounding like a fucking broken record. I had already heard most of that.

"What do you mean?" I asked flatly, wondering how far she'd go with her bullshit to convince herself.

She sighed. "I guess you're right. I was scared and insecure. I wasn't sure what you saw in me that was good enough for a man like you and I let that rule how I treated us." She said instead, for once manking sense. Not that it made me feel better, but still.

"Yeah you did. But that's ridiculous, you could have any man you wanted eating out of the palm of your hand. Why would I make you insecure?" I asked, trying to make her reason even though I didn't even know why at this point. She was nothing to me anymore.

"I don't know." She paused. "I felt you holding back but when I'd mention it you'd pull back more so I stopped bringing it up."

"Just because I didn't say the words..." I trailed off, doing the math.

She turned to look at me. "It wasnt that." She said seriously, then shook her head as if correcting herself. "It wasn't just that. And it wasn't just your ex either. It was the combination of all of it. I thought that this was just fun originally, I never meant to fall in love but at the end of the day-"

"I'm not enough for you." I finished her sentence, saying the words for her.

"You don't want to be enough for me." She said instead, her opinion always different from mine.

"How would you know that?" I asked, feeling defeated as I glanced at her. God, she really hadn't understood anything about me during the last year.

"The man I end up with needs to want more from me."She said softly. "And I was getting to the point where you were the man I wanted to end up with....actually I was past that point. I was planning a future in my head with you but that future was half empty. You didn't even want me to meet your family and it would have been a disaster if you'd met mine and that's kind of a deal breaker isnt it? We weren't ever truely open and honest with each other and no matter how much I loved you...." She choked on the words which sounded past tense. "Love wasn't enough." She said finally.

"Yeah keep feeding yourself with that bullshit." I muttered and broke eyes contact, staring in front of me instead as I smoked.

"You know it's true too, you just don't want to admit it." She pointed out and it took everything in me not to flip. I hated the nonsense coming out of her mouth, all the excuses she made.

"Sure, if that's what you need to think to move on, then keep thinking that you're right." I said in monotone as I looked at my bike and moved my thoughts away from Lila, desperately trying to build a wall between us that wouldn't crack just when the sun came down every night.

She kept quiet a full minute, leaving me pray that she'd leave. "If you think I'm wrong, then tell me what you think." She said eventually.

"I have nothing to tell you instead." I retorted, still refusing to look at her.

"You owe me-"

"I owe you nothing Lila." I said coldly, this time moving my gaze on her face and I could tell that my word hit her hard. I couldn't keep wanting to console you when she was the one causing herself all that agony.

She blinked again, looking on the verge of tears, as she but down on her lip hard, that move enough for me to think about all the times she had done that in other circumstances. When she was checking me out, when she tried not to laugh, when she held back a grin, or when we were about to have sex and we could both feel it in the air even before we'd start touching each other. "I need to know." She whispered.

"You met my family." I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Just because Jax brought me to one of your family's dinners one night." She retorted, being her usual no filters self.

"But I brought you again after we got together didn't I? And I never met yours because you were the first saying it wouldn't go well. Did they even know about me?" I asked, even though it wasn't really a question, but the look on her face answered to that anyway. "I thought so. I didn't make plans for the future, but it didn't mean I didn't want one with you, and don't even try saying again that I wasn't completely open or honest with you because I never pretended to be different from how I am, with flaws and everything, I never led you on, I never lied to you. Truth is Lila, I wasn't right for you. You wanted a fucking Prince Charming, the first love you read about in books, I'm just a normal man instead."

"Are you kidding?! A normal man?!"

"Yes. There's nothing that special about me!"

"Don't even try saying that!" Lila said, getting angry and making no sense. "Are you serious?! Travis you're incredible. You literally excell at everything you do no matter if it's work or being a friend or a lover or an uncle....you understood my art in a way no one has, in the way that I try to make everyone understand, do you know how rare that is? Do you really think our problems were all in my head? Did I ruin us?"

"Yes." The simple word came fast, though my voice cracked just a little. Reality was hard to accept.

"If I had wanted prince charming I would have stayed with Riley." She said. "Prince Charming would be my friend, but you were so much more than that."

"Then you shouldn't have walked away!" I roared back at her, scaring a couple walking past us but neither of us could have cared if you paid us. I just didn't understand how she seemed conscious of what we had, sad about losing it, but didn't regret her choice anyway. It was driving me insane.

"I KNOW!" She yelled back. "But I did and I have to understand it before I even attempt to move on!"

"Good luck." I said flatly.

"I'll need it." She agreed. "But I wont be like her. I'm not going to call you whenever I'm lonely or whenever I wake up from a dream about you that leaves me aching."

"I wouldn't answer." I said simply, wanting her to know that because she could even start thinking about calling me.

She looked up, and a second later she exploded, she hurled herself at me, slamming fists against my chest. "WHY NOT!? What the fuck does she have that I don't?!!?" She asked, the tears falling.

"Lila." I grabbed her wrists but I didn't push her back, I just held her there and ignored the electricity between us.

"Why?" She sobbed. "What if I needed you? Are you so done with me? Do you hate me like I hate me?"

"Calm down Lila." I told her, pushing away my anger because I wasn't so cold hearted after all, not when she was crying. She only sobbed louder instead, shaking her head. I cupped her face, looking into her eyes as I used my thumbs to brush the tears off her cheeks. "This is what I didn't want to happen. I never wanted you to end up heartbroken, crying desperately because you think you need me."

"But I feel like I do." She whispered as she stared into my eyes, showing me all her vulnerability which was always what pulled me back to her. I wanted to protect her, only I couldn't now, not anymore.

I shook my head, doing my best to keep my feelings in check. "You don't really. You were fine before me and you will again." I said quietly and I slowly pulled away, first my face inching away from hers then my hands slid down her neck before finally dropping by my sides.

She looked emptied. "I wish." She breathed out.

"I don't hate you Lila and I don't want you to hate yourself either. Things didn't work out for us, that's life, it doesn't change how you are." I explained because if there was something I couldn't really bear, was the thought of being myself the cause of her change. I could get over many things, but I knew for experience how painful was to torture myself because I had ruined someone. And Lila was too perfect for me to ruin, just because I didn't have what she was looking for in a man.

"Maybe I like it better when you're mad." She sniffed, ignoring completely what I had just said.

"I don't want to drag you down into the dark places into my mind, like I did with Karlie. I f.ucked her up and that's what she has and you don't, so please stop thinking she's better." I explained in a final tone, not wanting to bring up my ex ever again but also wanting her not to get insecure for nothing. In the end, I still cared about her, and even if I was still upset, I wasn't that selfish.

Lila just blinked back at me. "You didn't drag me down into dark places." She said seriously. "Trav when I feel like I need you it's because of your good places."

I fought the urge to shook my head, to tell her once again that the things she said? Made no sense. "Lil." I said softly, not touching her again, but feeling unraveled by her words.

"You changed me but it was for the better. I know so much more about me and what I want and who I am because of you."

"You are who you are because of you instead." I retorted, not wanting to take credits for things I hadn't done.

She shook her head. "A little maybe. But you were a big part of it."

"I don't know how to respond." I said, feeling frustrated.

"I know we can't go back. I wish I could take it back. I was crazy that day, so jealous I couldn't even see straight....I've never been jealous before."

"Neither have I." I admitted.

She looked up at me. "Yes, but you're practically flawless." She laughed.

"No. I mean I was never jealous until you. I don't like how it feels."

"You have no one to be jealous of though. You were It for me. Capital I."

"If I was we would be together, no?" I pointed out, it making a lot of sense in my mind.

She sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Maybe." She paused, looking lost into her own thoughts. "I'm afraid the love won't go away." She said so softly.

I looked in front of me, not sure how to make things better for her. The thought alone of her with another man made my blood boil, but we were over and it was going to happen. "It will." I said simply.

"I don't believe you." She said back in a weak voice, "You can't even look at me while saying that."

I turned my face, forcing myself to keep an unreadable face as I wore the mask that hid myself from most of people, the one that had preserved myself from getting hurt again until I had let it slid down and let Lila get under my skin. I wouldn't make that mistake again. There had been a reason why I hadn't wanted to be in a relationship before her, after all. "It will go away." I stared at her, watching her blink, and I knew she was really stubborn, I hoped she wouldn't be this time though. Time would prove me right anyway. "I was the first man you fell for, your first real relationship, and I know you don't think it can happen. But trust me, trust someone who's older and more experienced than you."

She bit down on her lip, leaving me wonder what she was about to say, if she was going to hold back. "I'm afraid I won't find it again." She breathed out eventually.

"Lila I'm not your best friend. I care about you but I can't go on and tell you that sooner than later you'll find another man, because the thought alone make me want to punch a wall. But I know it's going to happen anyway and you're going to realize that leaving me was the best choice for you." I explained, my voice growing colder as I went on.

"I get it. It's not fair to ask you to talk me through this." Lila nodded.

"You think?" My voice was gruff, because I couldn't go on with this. I was this close to beg her to let me go, or just get up and leave her there.

"I'm sorry." She said seriously, but her words were empty, and useless.

"Yeah." I looked to the floor, feeling seriously depressed by how my day had turned.

"Will we ever be friends?" She asked, making me wonder if she had hit her head during the last few seconds and I hadn't noticed.

Could you ever be friends with someone who had been able to wound you like that? Someone who betrayed your trust? Someone like Lila? "...no." I shook my head, notleaving room for hope.

"Okay." She said quickly.

"It doesn't work that way Lil."

She rose a brow. "I said okay." She retorted, snapping a little and making me want to tell her to fuck off. I hated when she snapped. "I'm...gonna get some coffee. You can stop talking to me." She said, her voice monotonous.

"I wasn't waiting for your permission Lila." I said coldly, my tone matching hers. Almost. Because I was this close to get pissed off all over again.

"Why are you still talking to me then?" She asked, getting up as she set her hands on her hips. Then I stared at her and she crossed her arms against her chest, shielding herself from me.

"Because you started and you're still here." I pointed out, being an a.ss but I didn't care at this point. "But since you're having a hard time going away, I'm going instead." I added and I stood up, barely looking at her as I started walking towards my bike.

"F.uck you!" I heard her say from behind me.

I didn't bother to turn my head, shaking it instead as I climbed on my bike. "Not anymore."