i want this hole gone

i want this hole gone by ssaarah

I slipped out of my cardigan, feeling too hot even though a few minutes ago I'd felt cold and decided I needed to sit down, maybe get a cup of coffee. Lucky for me there was a coffee shop around the corner. Unlucky for me? I ran into something big and hard when I was reaching for my wallet in my purse.
"Oh sor-" I started but then a familiar scent hit me and I looked up into the familiar eyes of Travis Cole. "Hi." I said softly.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, his eyes cold as ice and sending a pain through my chest.
"I-" I started. "I wanted coffee?" I didn't know how to speak apparently.
"You're 30 miles away from your place." He pointed out, not mentioning that made it about the exact same distance from his.
"I had a meeting with my art dealer." I said, shrugging, keeping the words "I miss you" locked inside of me because I had no right to say them. But I did. God I missed him so much I could barely stand it. And it was silly things I missed too. How it felt to run my hands in his hair, the way he grunted when he was grumpy but not mad at me. I missed the way he smiled, and the way he laughed and the way he'd wake me up with kisses pressed against the back of my neck.
"Okay." He turned to walk away but I couldn't help it. I reached out and grabbed his hand.
"How are you?" I asked without stopping to think about what I was going to say after. Travis pulled his hand away fast and I felt the loss of his touch instantly.
"I'm okay." he answered in monotone.
"You look tired." I said softly, needing to talk but saying stupid things.
."That's why I got here, to get a coffee." he said back as his eyes dropped on the cup he was holding that I knew was a coffee black with one sugar. "Bye Lila." he added and I noticed an empty cup on the table, meaning to throw it away but then walked out and before I knew what I was doing I was walking after him like a fucking magnet.
"Travis." He lifted his head from the bench next to his bike.
"What do you want from me Lila? I have nothing to tell you." C
"I just." I shook my head and I wanted to pull him closer, to have him hold me so bad. "I'm so sorry." I said finally.
"For what?" He asked once I'd turned to walk away. I shrugged.
"For everything." I admitted. "I never should have pushed for a relationship with you in the first place." Travis looked at me as if I just told him I was growing tenticles.
"Do you think that's why I'm upset?" he asked incredulously. I shrugged.
"Maybe it would have been better if we had never been." I said softly, knowing that if it had been true maybe I wouldn't feel so empty. So broken. Then again? Another part of me never wanted to give up what we had no matter how much it hurt to lose it. Travis just shrugged.
"Maybe." He agreed and even though I had said it first? I felt like it had been a knife in my chest. I even let out a little moan I couldn't help. "Lil?" he stood up straighter. "Are you okay?" I blinked, looking at the worry on his face.
"I'm sorry. Sometimes....sometimes it hurts too much." I admitted.
"...you left me." He reminded me, like I could ever forget.
"I know." I nodded. "I hate that I did. I should have fought for you but I wasn't strong enough." I had to leave, if I didn't I'd break down for sure. And I was doing good! I got up and I worked and I saw my family and I managed to hold it all together until I got into my bed to cry myself asleep again.
"I'm not going to repeat myself, I'm not going to tell you that the only thing you did and I didn't want to happen was leaving me." he said slowly, staring at me hard because he believed in eye contact when serious things were being discussed.
"But-" I cut myself off, taking a deep breath because it was hard to breath but to talk? Ugh. "But you said that maybe it would've been better if we had never happened at all." I said finally.
"I don't know what I feel half of the time." he muttered under his breath as he sat back on the bench, taking a sip of coffee then a drag of his cigarrette.
"I don't understand." I whispered, feeling weak for how much I ached.
"Are you okay Lil?" he asked as he grabbed my elbow, forcing me down and god just that simple touch made me feel better, "Come on, sit." I did, feeling the heat from his body and loving it as much as I hated it.
"You're mad." I pointed out after a few moments, shivering in the November air.
"You betrayed me Lila." he said in a low voice, and I broke. It was never what I had meant and if he felt that way? God that killed me. "I trusted you could give me some faith in relationships, you know I thought we could make it. That I could make it and I could be with someone again...then you threw it all away. So yes, I'm mad, I'm mad at myself for being a fool, for believing that I could get close to someone again."
"I felt like it was a relationship that was based on what you wanted. Whenever you said jump I'd say how high and it wasn't the same when I needed you." He blinked.
"What do you mean?" I sighed because that wasn't even true....he had been there when I really needed him it's just when I wanted him? I didn't tell him.
"I guess you're right. I was scared and insecure. I wasn't sure what you saw in me that was good enough for a man like you and I let that rule how I treated us."
"Yeah you did. But that's ridiculous, you could have any man you wanted eating out of the palm of your hand. Why would I make you insecure?"
"I don't know." I admitted. "I felt you holding back but when I'd mention it you'd pull back more so I stopped bringing it up."
"Just because I didn't say the words..." He trailed off and I turned to look at him.
"It wasnt that." I said seriously, then shook my head because yes, feeling like I was the only one in love had grated on me. "It wasn't just that. And it wasn't just your ex either. It was the combination of all of it. I thought that this was just fun originally, I never meant to fall in love but at the end of the day-"
"I'm not enough for you." he finished my sentence, but he was wrong.
"You don't want to be enough for me." I said instead, since he was everything and more, but he didn't want to be. At least not for me.
"How would you know that?" He asked, looking pained as he glanced at me. God I wanted to reach for him so badly.
"The man I end up with needs to want more from me." I said softly. "And I was getting to the point where you were the man I wanted to end up with....actually I was past that point. I was planning a future in my head with you but that future was half empty. You didn't even want me to meet your family and it would have been a disaster if you'd met mine and that's kind of a deal breaker isnt it? We weren't ever truely open and honest with each other and no matter how much I loved you...." I choked on the words because I made it sound past tense and it wasn't. I thought I was getting better but seeing him? I loved him still. More even if it was possible. "Love wasn't enough." I said finally.
"Yeah keep feeding yourself with that bullshit." he muttered under his breath, finally looking away from me as he kept smoking.
"You know it's true too, you just don't want to admit it." I said in a rare moment of bravery but I could see that it was a mistake.
"Sure, if that's what you need to think to move on, then keep thinking that you're right." he said and I could feel his walls building up slowly.
\"If you think I'm wrong, then tell me what you think." I said eventually.
"I have nothing to tell you instead."
"You owe me-"
"I owe you nothing Lila." he said coldly, finally looking at me but only to prove his words. Fuck. This was awful. I felt awful. I'd literally never felt anything like this before and I wasn't sure I could take it.
"I need to know." I whispered.
"You met my family." he pointed out, humoring me a little.
"Just because Jax brought me to one of your family's dinners one night." I retorted back.
"But I brought you again after we got together didn't I? And I never met yours because you were the first saying it wouldn't go well. Did they even know about me?" he asked, and I wanted to open my mouth and say yes, I told them I loved him and even if they didn't approve it didn't matter but he didn't let me. "I thought so. I didn't make plans for the future, but it didn't mean I didn't want one with you, and don't even try saying again that I wasn't completely open or honest with you because I never pretended to be different from how I am, with flaws and everything, I never led you on, I never lied to you. Truth is Lila, I wasn't right for you. You wanted a f.ucking Prince Charming, the first love you read about in books, I'm just a normal man instead."
"Are you kidding?! A normal man?!"
"Yes. There's nothing that special about me!"
"Don't even try saying that!" I said, my anger getting the better of me. "Are you serious?! Travis you're incredible. You literally excell at everything you do no matter if it's work or being a friend or a lover or an uncle....you understood my art in a way no one has, in the way that I try to make everyone understand, do you know how rare that is? Do you really think our problems were all in my head? Did I ruin us?"
"Yes." the simple word came fast though his voice cracked just a little.
"If I had wanted prince charming I would have stayed with Riley." I said. "Prince Charming would be my friend, but you were so much more than that."
"Then you shouldn't have walked away!" He roared back at me, scaring a couple walking past us but neither of us could have cared if you paid us.
"I KNOW!" I yelled back. "But I did and I have to understand it before I even attempt to move on!"
"Good luck."
"I'll need it." I agreed. "But I wont be like her. I'm not going to call you whenever I'm lonely or whenever I wake up from a dream about you that leaves me aching."
"I wouldn't answer." I looked up, his response making me so angry I could hit him. And I did, I hurled myself at him, slamming fists against his chest.
"WHY NOT!? What the fuc.k does she have that I don't?!!?" I asked, the tears falling because his ex was my biggest weakness and I wasn't too proud to admit it.
"Lila." He grabbed my wrists but he didn't push me back he just held me there and something about the contact between us was so electric I knew we both felt it.
"Why?" I sobbed. "What if I needed you? Are you so done with me? Do you hate me like I hate me?" I was a pathetic mess, the hold I'd had on myself breaking apart way faster than I'd built it up. I hated this. I hated feeling this way. I wanted the earth to open up and just swallow me so I wouldn't feel so broken anymore.
"Calm down Lila." he said, and I could tell he was pushing away his anger for me. It was a little thing but it was enough to show that there was still some emotion in him. Still I sobbed louder, feeling helpless and a prisoner to my emotions. Travis cupped my face and looked into my eyes as he used his thumbs to brush away my tears.
"This is what I didn't want to happen. I never wanted you to end up heartbroken, crying desperately because you think you need me."
"But I feel like I do." I whispered as she stared into his hypnotic eyes, knowing I was breaking all the ex-girlfriend rules, that I was beeing needy and pathetic. Travis shook his head.
"You don't really. You were fine before me and you will again." he said quietly and he slowly pulled away, first his face inching away from mine then his hands slid down my neck before quickly dropping away and leaving me freezing.
"I wish." I breathed out.
"I don't hate you Lila and I don't want you to hate yourself either. Things didn't work out for us, that's life, it doesn't change how you are."
"Maybe I like it better when you're mad." I sniffed, ignoring completely what he had just said because I was going to keep hating myself for a while no matter what anyone said.
"I don't want to drag you down into the dark places into my mind, like I did with Karlie. I fucked her up and that's what she has and you don't, so please stop thinking she's better."
"You didn't drag me down into dark places." I said seriously. If I was in a dark place it was my own fault. "Trav when I feel like I need you it's because of your good places." Trav blinked.
"Lil." he said softly, not touching me again, but his eyes had so much emotion.
"You changed me but it was for the better. I know so much more about me and what I want and who I am because of you."
"You are who you are because of you instead." I shook my head.
"A little maybe. But you were a big part of it."
"I don't know how to respond." He said, lookng as frustrated as I felt.
"I know we can't go back. I wish I could take it back. I was crazy that day, so jealous I couldn't even see straight....I've never been jealous before."
"Neither have I." I looked up at him.
"Yes, but you're practically flawless." I laughed.
"No. I mean I was never jealous until you. I don't like how it feels."
"You have no one to be jealous of though. You were It for me. Capital I."
"If I was we would be together, no?" I sighed and nodded.
"Yeah. Maybe." God I missed him so much. Just talking him through this made me feel better although it also made me feel worse at the same time. "I'm afraid the love won't go away." I said so softly because it was my biggest fear, that one day I'd just decide to settle and it wouldn't feel like it did with Travis. Did I want that? Did I want everything else so bad I would settle for less than the all encompasing love I felt for the man in front of me? Was love not worth it? I didn't know. Maybe I was just too young, too naive.
"It will." he said simply.
"I don't believe you." I said back in a weak voice, "You can't even look at me while saying that." Travis turned and his face was a mask.
"It will go away." he said seriously. "I was the first man you fell for, your first real relationship, and I know you don't think it can happen. But trust me, trust someone who's older and more experienced than you."
"I'm afraid I won't find it again." I breathed out eventually and if I was being more honest? I was afraid I'd never want to find it again. That I would be stuck pining after an unavailable man for the rest of my life.
"Lila I'm not your best friend. I care about you but I can't go on and tell you that sooner than later you'll find another man, because the thought alone make me want to punch a wall. But I know it's going to happen anyway and you're going to realize that leaving me was the best choice for you." he explained, his voice growing colder as he went on.
"I get it. It's not fair to ask you to talk me through this." I nodded. But he was the only one I could talk to about it so what the hell was I supposed to do? I pushed away the tiny thrill from knowing he didn't like the idea of me moving on because he was acting totally fine otherwise, then again, he hadn't had the same feelings for me that I had for him. Or if he did he didn't acknowledge them.
"You think?" His voice was gruff, but I'd known him long enough, loved him long enough for that not to scare me. Travis Cole put on a mask for the world, and for some reason I had been lucky enough to see him without it. I wish I had been more worthy of that gift, no matter how short lived it had been.
"I'm sorry." I said seriously, aching to reach out and touch him again, kiss him, say goodbye with some semblance of closure.
"Yeah." he looked to the floor and I shuffled my feet.
"Will we ever be friends?" I asked, realizing that he was the person in my life I wanted to talk about most things with and now I didn't have that. In a way he had been my best friend, only he was also my lover and that made things much more complicated.
"...no." He shook his head and a bigger part of my heart broke, the part that was still holding on to what we could have been.
"Okay." I said quickly, pushing back my emotions as far away as I could.
"It doesn't work that way Lil." I rose my brow to argue, to tell him that he was still friends with Karlie, that I was still friends with Riley, but it was no use. Arguing with Travis once he made up his mind was pointless. Even when he was wrong he was right.
"I said okay." I retorted, snapping a little but only because being annoyed and angry was much less pathetic than being sad. "I'm...gonna get some coffee. You can stop talking to me." I said, my voice monotonous because I felt like I was back at square one again. Half of me wanting to beg him to take me back and the other half wishing we had never met. What was I going to do? I knew you never ended up with your first love, I knew that Trav and I had been a long shot even without our incredible connection but I couldn't push the feeling away that he was The One. That he was It for me. That I was the kind of girl who met her person and then there was no one else. And that was devastating.
"I wasn't waiting for your permission Lila." he said in the same cold voice I had used. Except colder.
"Why are you still talking to me then?" I asked, getting up as I set my hands on my hips. God talking to him put me through so many damn emotions. He stared at me, his eyes frosty making me cross my arms against my chest instead.
"Because you started and you're still here." he pointed out, as if he couldn't just walk away it was all my fault. "But since you're having a hard time going away, I'm going instead." he added and he stood up, not even looking at me. He could have at least been civil. I was trying to be.
"F.uck you!" I spat before thinking, then hating myself because I sounded stupid and young just trying to have the last word. Ugh.