when your dreams all fail and the ones we hail are the worst of all

when your dreams all fail and the ones we hail are the worst of all by sassy

A shadow on the floor of my office distracted me from typing, my eyes shooting up quickly to find a gorgeous Lila leaning against my door, wearing casual clothes and a serious expression on her face. She wasn't even aware I had noticed, so lost in her thoughts. I hadn't seen her since our night together and I was hoping this had nothing to do about that.
"Lila." I broke into her daze as my eyes took in her body once again, casually dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt that tended to slip off her shoulder. It made me want to bite her.
"Hey." She said softly.
"You're....what are you wearing?" I asked simply, used to see her in more formal clothes at work. Not that she didn't look perfect like this too.
She looked down and then back up at me, smiling as she walked in and shut the door behind her. "Whatever I want."

"Is today casual friday and no one told me?" I asked, smirking as she sat across from me.
"Everyday is going to be casual for me now." She said slowly. "I quit my job." My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to make sure she had put enough thought in such a big decision, but she spoke first. "At least I did kind of. Apple is keeping me on as a freelance designer, but I'll be working mostly from home."
"Lila..." I trailed off shaking my head and running my hand through my hair. "Is this because of-"
"Yes." She nodded, "I mean it's not totally because of us, but it did push me over the edge....you were right. We need to stop....whatever it is we were doing. And seeing you everyday won't help."
I leaned back against my chair, running my hands through my hair and beating myself over her words. What was I expecting after all. "S.hit." I muttered under my breath as I let out a blow breath. I didn't know where to start, I hadn't seen this coming at all.
"You don't need to be so upset about not seeing me everyday." She said in a playful voice, as if everything was fine, almost a joke. It wasn't.
I stared at her, "That's not why." I said back, regretting my choice of words as soon as I heard them coming out of my mouth. I never intended to be mean to her, hurt her in any way, she was a girl I respected and didn't deserve to be treated bad from me or anyone else.
"Well thank you." She spat a little too quickly, looking as if I wasn't the only one who wasn't filtering thoughts. But then again, wasn't that what I liked about her too?
"I didn't mean it in that way." I tried and leaned against my desk, still staring at her as I noticed how different she looked in a way. The light makeup on her face, the casual clothes...she seemed really peaceful, at ease with her new condition and I wondered how much truth I was really seeing. Maybe this was really the best that could happen for both of us.
She bit down on her lip, a move that caused my eyes to drop on her mouth instintively as memories of our last night together flooded my mind. Hell no, I couldn't think about that now. "Then what?" She asked slowly.
"You've been working here for how long? Two years?" I asked, using my business tone that always made me win any argument or at least showed how right I was. When she nodded, I went on, "When did you find out that I worked here?"
"After I saw you at practice." She answered as she raised one eyebrow slowly, probably trying to figure where I was going with this.
"Exactly." I nodded my head, clasping my hands on my desk in front of me, "You don't have to see me everyday, you haven't seen me for years."
Lila laughed, a move that surprised me. "That's totally different Trav. I wasn't looking for you before! But I don't want to have to avoid you!"
"Avoid me?" I questioned because that sounded really childish.
"Look, I think you took what I said too seriously. I quit because I wanted to quit. Because I want to focus on my art and live my life. The fact that you're here, simply made the decision easier."
"You can be an artist and still work." I reasoned out loud, not sure about her decision. It could be a good one, but I didn't want it to depend on me.
"And I will. I already have a freelance project with Apple set up. I'm not much of a 9-5 girl anyways." She shrugged.
"Lila..." I trailed off, in a loss of words.
"What? It's better this way for you too, you won't have to worry about me....not like you do..." She sighed and I bit my tongue not to say what I was thinking. I had taken care of her plenty and in many different ways, I had done it automatically and I hadn't minded. "No I think you do. You don't need to worry about me or take care of me. Despite my age I'm a big girl, and I can take care of myself. I'm also pretty adept at taking care of you too." She smirked, the glint into her eyes showing me where her thoughts were.
My lips twitched upwards slightly as flashbacks of my little stunt at her place crowded my mind. What a night. "That won't happen again." I said in a more serious tone, even though my eyes were still smiling. No matter how good it had been, I wasn't going back there. Breaking rules was my thing but I wasn't so stupid to know that breaking them too much could turn into a disaster.
"Yes. We'll see about that." She grinned, looking as if my words didn't mean much to her.
"I'm serious."
She nodded. "You were serious when you said you didn't want to fuck me anymore, and you fucked me a lot that night." She grinned, making her point. "But you're right, as nice as that was I won't let you in again."
"You won't have to." I said quietly.
"We'll see." She said again, still smiling and I had no idea why. No I did. She was hoping I'd do it again instead, coming back no matter what I had said.
"Lila." I said her name again, this time as a warning even though those didn't work that well on her.
"I'm sorry Trav, I know you think you're serious." She started, walking up and leaning in so she was setting her hands on my desk and close enough to make me smell her delicious scent. "But you were pretty serious that night when you promised me you'd fuck my ass someday too." She said softly. "Those two statements conflict each other, so how do I know what to believe?"
"I don't know, believe what you want." I shrugged as I leaned my head against my chair, staring at her blankly and doing my best not to fall into a dangerous thought. Her a.ss. F.uck her a.ss...it was amazing. I couldn't get distracted or I'd end up taking care of that right now.
She furrowed her brows together, crossing her arms against her chest and looking as sexy as ever, "You're not giving me any clue?" She asked, having fun teasin me apparently.
"You said it yourself Lil, I was right at ending things." I said back in monotone, not because I didn't care but because this was kind of pointless to me. I knew that, ideally, I didn't want to end up s.hit faced at her door again, devoured by my need of her and her body, but I also knew that whenever I wanted something I wanted it and I took it, no matter what I had thought before. Now anyway, without having her around with her short dresses and tight skirt would be better.
She opened her mouth then closed it again, nodding, "Yes." She said simply and took a step back as if she wasn't expecting me to keep serious despite her attempt to tease me. I didn't say a word and just looked at her, something I was very good at. "You're weird." She added as a second thought.
At that I couldn't help but laugh, "What am I doing now?" I asked, vaguely amused.
"I don't know." She shrugged as a small pout appeared on her pink lips. God damn. "You're too calm."
"What do you expect me to say?" I raised one eyebrow at her, for the first time wondering what she thought about me, what kind of person she thought I was. Not that it really mattered to me, but call it curiosity.
"You can't even tell me what to believe in." She said nonchalantly, slumping in the chair opposite from my desk and looking so young it killed me. With her like that, it was hard not to imagine her with my d.ick in her mouth while she was kneeling on the floor of my office.
I smirked a little, deciding to go for the easy way. "Do you need something to believe in?" I asked quietly.
She smirked too and was about to talk, when my phone started ringing and she closed her mouth. When I didn't bother to pick the call, she shot me a weird look. "Aren't you taking that?" She questioned.
"No." I said shortly as I glanced at Karlie's name lamping on my phone. One girl at time was the maximum I could deal with.
"Okay." She nodded but then, when it started again, she rolled her eyes, "God, it's annoying! Either pick it or turn it off." She spat, making me grin more genuinely because that was the Lila I knew. The impatient feisty one.
"I can't talk right now I'm in the middle of a meeting." I said in my phone, my words not matching the expression on my face since I was still smirking. On the other side, my ex was freaking out. What was new. She was a constant reminder of why I didn't want to be in a relationship, it was too much and the gorgeous girl in front of me, with her blonde hair and her porcelain skin, didn't deserve to even take the risk of becoming like the one who was talking into my ear. "I said I can't talk. I'll call you later." I cut her off shortly.
"Am I a meeting now?" Lila asked with her head cocked to her side.
"See how important you are?" I winked at her, silencing my phone and sliding into the inner pocket of my jacket, "What were we saying again?"
"I don't know. I'd say I have to be somewhere, but I don't have a schedule anymore so it would be a lie."
"Trying to get away from me already?" I grinned, an easy smile since we were being extremely relaxed. I didn't know if take that as a good thing or a giant warning.
"Maybe." She ran her hands through her hair and leaned back. "Can I tell you something serious?"
I blinked. There it was coming, the feared unexpected. you could never know what was about to come out of a girl's mouth. "You can tell me anything." I said eventually because that much was true. I was 30, I could deal with anything.
"I'm not sure how to say it." She admitted, breathing deeply and taking her time.
"I'm not sure if I should be nervous or not." I teased, though I did feel a little tense. I had never met someone like her, I didn't know what to expect.
"Okay here it is. I know we were never together, but I also know we weren't nothing."
"We-" I started but she held her hand up.
"Just let me finish. I know you don't want a relationship....." She paused to lick her lips. "But if you ever find yourself wanting one, I'll be pretty pissed off if you don't come to me first." She ended, trying to make light of something she seemed pretty serious about instead.
I laughed, because she was sounding crazy. Crazy and naive, adorable, but still crazy. "Sure Lil, I'll come to you on my knees and hold a diamond ring in a velvet box." I answered, shaking my head.
"Come on Trav, don't be a jerk." She rolled her eyes and blushed deeply, making me want to take her in my arms and kiss her. She was too cute for her own good, I had always said that.
I kept my smirk in place as I looked at her with affection because no matter what we hadn't been, what we weren't or would never be, I cared about her and I couldn't help it. I knew she hated it, but I saw her as something to protect to keep her exactly how she was. "I wouldn't want to piss you off." I said faking a straight face because I couldn't really take this conversation seriously.
"It wasn't what I mean!" She protested with her gorgeous eyes boring into mine.
I let a more genuine smile play on my lips, "I know I'm just messing with you." I said quietly.
"I noticed." She pursed her lips together, "But I was being serious."
"Lil I don't know what to say, I'm good like I am now and I don't know when and if I will ever change my mind." I said slowly, hoping she wouldn't wait for me or some crazy s,hit like that. Men never changed, I surely didn't.
"But you said once you want a family, kids..." She trailed off, squirming in her seat and looking uncomfortable still she kept talking no matter the evident shame on her face, her red cheeks proving it.
I nodded because on the paper that was what I wanted one day, only I had no intention of giving myself a time to make that idea come true. I honestly didn't know if I'd ever be able to have that. "I know, but I'm not planning anything like that for now." I paused to offer her a smile, "And by the time I might? You'd probably be married with your own kids and I would've lost my chance already."
"I don't know about that. But I'm not going to wait for you like a crazy girl." Lila said seriously. Thank fuck. "I just meant that." She groaned, looking annoyed but not at me, more at herself. "We're good together. I've never met a man who I can tell most anything to, someone who makes me laugh and feel protected without feeling overprotected. And we already know we're good together sexually." She grinned, since sex was something she was good at talking about. "I think we're a good fit. But I'm not saying I'm going to wait around pining over you. I don't like you that much."
I grinned, her words going straight to my core no matter how much I was struggling not to let them. I knew what she was talking about. If I were different, I wouldn't miss such a great chance, but I wasn't and that door had to be closed before it could even get open. "God you're beautiful." I said under my breath, more to myself than to her.
"Yes, well. This beautiful girl just offered herself to you on a silver platter, but I won't be up for drunk Travis anymore."
"What do you mean?" I asked, slightly confused.
She sucked in her lips. "I mean I don't want to fuck you anymore." She said seriously, a lot more seriously than usual. "Which sucks because now what will I do for fun?" She laughed at her own joke and I grinned, amused like I usually was.
"I'm sure you'll find something." I said as I imagined her with someone else. She loved sex and any guy who'd get her in his hands was a lucky bastard.
She raised a brow at me. "That's something that doesn't bother you? The idea of another man in my bed? His hands on me? Touching me the way you do..." She asked, once again kicking me off balance. Where did she want to go with this? I wasn't a jealous man, mostly of the things that weren't even mine.
"You knew I was fucking other women when I was sleeping with you and it didn't bother you." I replied, effectively avoiding the question.
"It did too." She replied seriously.
"Did it?" I raised a brow, since she had never acted on it.
"Yes, it was a waste because I'm better."
I crossed my arms against my chest, not wanting to admit anything even if she was right. I didn't want to give her even more, I had already done enough damage so far. She was here to make sure we'd really quit whatever we were doing but the more we talked the more I had the feeling she was still hoping to convince me not to stop seeing her instead. This kind of conversation killed me. "That's your opinion." I said back quietly.
"Don't you even try..." She trailed off, shaking her head and calling out my b.ullshit.
"I did what I wanted to do." I shrugged as I looked at her, being honest...kind of. The other girls I had been with while sleeping with her hadn't been that good, more like a way to kill time, to keep myself busy...a habit if you want. Lila was in another league and got another kind of treatment, I didn't even know why it had started like that.
She ignored me, scoffing, "Are you saying I'm not better?" She asked, this time looking half offended and half horrified.
"You're the best." I conceded shortly and got up, reaching for a cigarette from the box on my desk as I walked to the window to open it.
"Now, that's better." I heard her say from behind me, because I wasn't looking at her anymore. Instead, I was looking out, smoking and wishing we could just be over with this, it was starting to feel like torture. All that questioning, admitting things, trying to understand, it wasn't for me. I didn't like complicated. "You are too." She said after a few seconds of silence and I felt her hand on my elbow, squeezing gently to get my attention.
I turned my head with a straight face, smoke coming out of my nostrils, "I know." I agreed nonchalantly. I knew how good I was, in bed and out, the reason why I was never jealous or envious was because no matter what the others could get, I could always get better.
"Then why?" She asked softly, pursing her lips together as she looked up at me with her big doe eyes, leaving unspoken the thoughts I could clearly see written on her face.
"Do us both a favor Lil, stop making questions." I answered in a restrained tone, my whole body tense from having her close, looking at me like that. When I didn't have her under my eyes it was all good, I did my things like always, but when I had her around it was so hard to resist. It infuriated me.
Lila let her eyes close and she breathed in as the sun hit her face, time stopping for what felt forever as I stared at her. Gorgeous and fragile, she looked like an angel I was terribly close to scrunch up and ruin. In that moment I knew she was distant, closed into her thoughts, while I did all I could do, which was looking only. When she finally opened her eyes, I knew she was gone. "Okay." She whispered softly, something final in her voice.
"I'm sorry." I said softly, meaning it, but glad that after all we were managing to stop this nonsense between us without too much drama.
She gave me a soft smile and reached up to trace my jaw with her hand. Then grinned, reaching up on her toes to place a soft kiss against my cheek, but before she could go my hand was on her back, pulling her into my lips, kissing hers like I'd never kissed me before. I didn't know what goodbyes were, but I knew this was and I enjoyed the bittersweet feeling, the awareness that it was the last chance for me to let her close, body and soul, to me.
She kissed me back just as hard, hands in my hair and breasts against my chest, until she was the one pulling away, pushing gently back and switching to soft sweet kisses that started to make the distance between us. "Don't miss me too much old man." She replied, her voice slightly shaky as she didn't wait for a reply this time, instead she just turned to leave, grabbing her bag and not looking back.