only know you've been high when you're feeling low

only know you've been high when you're feeling low by ssaarah

 

 

I was staring at the table in front of me as I ran my hands through my hair. I had too many thoughts in my head. A bunch of new paintings that I wanted to start, work that wasn't interesting anymore and a love life that meant more to me than to him. It had never happened to me before. I'd always been the one who wasn't as invested. A part of me knew I should walk away, but I was pretty sure I wasn't strong enough to say no to him. I felt....I didn't know how I felt.

"Hey eleven, what are you doing here all alone." I felt Travis before he even spoke and I looked up into his mesmerizing eyes, god he was so gorgeous. Sometimes I couldn't even believe I was sleeping with him. "Do you mind?"

"No, of course not." I replied, offering him the seat across from me.

"Is it bad?" I looked up as he sipped his coffee before realizing he was talking about the muffin I hadn't touched.

"Oh. No...I'm not that hungry anymore, that's all." I explained quietly.

"Uh." he said his favorite word before leaning into me with a concerned glance. "What's wrong?"

"I'm thinking about quitting, I haven't made up my mind yet." I said, deciding on the issue in my mind that was easiest to talk about.

"You'll do great no matter what you decide."

"Are you still coming over for dinner?" I grinned and he winced.

"Are you still cooking it?" I nodded.

"Yes, but I promise I'll eat it first to make sure it's not poisonous." Travis laughed and my chest ached. The sound used to just turn me on, but now....well now things were different.

"Then I'll be there." he smiled. "Will you wear an apron?" I nodded.

"And heels." I winked and he groaned.

"Lil." He shook his head as I watched the familiar look of lust flash in his gorgeous eyes.

"Good visual?" I smirked.

"You're obsessed with visuals." he commented, taking a sip of his coffee as I nodded.

"Occupational hazzard." I winked and Travis laughed again. "Though when I picture you in the apron you're not wearing heels." I smirked wider, the image a damn good one in my head as Travis just gave me an amused look.

"Keep that image in your head, becacuse it'll never happen." I gave him a dramatic sigh.

"You always ruin my best ideas." I teased, finally breaking off a piece of my muffin and offering some to him. He took a part off and set it in his mouth, both of us enjoying either it or each others company as we stared at each other for a few moments.

"I don't think you should quit." He said finally.

"Because you want to be able to see me at work?" I aksed, only half joking. He shrugged.

"You're great at your job. And you told me you never wanted your paintings to become work." I nodded, impressed that he was listening to the things I said when I wasn't naked.

"That's true." He leaned back against his chair, looking as if he was studying me for something.

"You don't have to decide now anyway, no one is kicking you out of Apple."

"Since when you're so wise Trav?" I asked softly, smiling a little.

"You seem to forget how old I am an awful lot." he answered with a shrug, a smirk appearing on his own lips.

"This joke is getting old." I replied, laughing at my own joke as Travis shook his head at me.

"Hilarious Lil." I bit down on my lip, sighing.

"My family's on my case though. They're pushing me to quit and it stresses me out." I admitted, always opening up more to this man than I really should.

"Your family sounds controlling." Trav said slowly, clearly trying to say the right thing. He was right. They were.

"They want what's the best for me...I can't really blame them." I said back, still wanting to stand up for them, because really they were my family. I had to.

"Because you can't tell what's the best for you on your own?"

"Apparently not. You know Reese ran a background check on you." Travis choked on his coffee, setting it down and glaring.

"What?!" I nodded.

"He and half the family came over for some kind of Travis Cole intervention." I shook my head. "Like I'm in over my head with you or something."

"He ran a background check on me?"

"Yeah, you know, basic financials, criminal record, college grades,....jobs."

"Is that even legal?" I shrugged.

"I don't know. What it is is ridiculous. Though I'm impressed you aced your art history class Sophmore year." I teased him. I saw his lips twitch into a smile slightly before he went back to all buisness.

"I don't like this Lila." he said seriously.

"I don't either. I don't know why I can't just live my life. If I want to be with you I'll be with you." Travis blinked.

"We're not together." he stated. I waved away that comment.

"You know what I mean."

"Do I?" His face was hard to read and I swallowed as I took a moment to eat another bite of muffin.

"I know we're not together. I know what we are Trav." He raised an eyebrow at me and for the second time he looked as if he was trying to read my mind.

"What we're not." he said finally, making me roll my eyes because my god there wasn't a fucking difference. In the end it still meant I wasn't good enough for anything but sex and I already knew it.

"Same difference." I retorted flatly, even sighing. "Anyway, do you remember the painting of hands? The one you saw the sketch of?" I changed the subject fast and he looked even more taken aback for some strange reason.

"Barely." He replied, too fast to be true.

"Oh okay." I paused, wondering why he lied about it before realizing he probably didn't want to admit he liked me any more than he had and that included liking my art, "I'm thinking about making more of that type-"

"Lila." he cut me off, looking deep into my eyes before speaking. "Are you sleeping with someone other than me?" I gave him a questioning look at the random question. With any other guy I'd been with? That would be an accusotory question, one he'd be hurt by if I told him yes. Somehow I didn't think Trav felt the same way.

"My sex life isn't any of your business except when you're part of it Trav." I said instead, not in a rude way but with a note of finality in my tone.

"Lila." he narrowed his eyes on me and I folded my arms over my chest, leaning back against the booth and re-crossing my legs.

"You made a point to correct me when I told you I knew what we are. We're not anything. So you don't get to ask me personal questions." He looked like he wanted to argue with me as he ran his hand through his hair.

"I think we should take a break." He said finally, swallowing as he ran his hand over his face, looking like it was paining him to say this. I just blinked at him.

"You can't break nothing Trav." I pointed out, my stomach feeling like it was going to fall out of place as I thought about losing him, but I kept a straight face on. After all I knew this was coming.

"I'm serious Lila."

"If you don't want to fuck me anymore just man up and say it." I snapped. "Don't hide behind breaks because you think I need to be coddled."

"I don't want to fuck you anymore." he said back immediately, no tone to his voice at all. I blinked back at him before shaking my head.

"That's bullshit Travis." I replied seriously, knowing better. He still wanted me, I could see it in his face, if he was ending us it wasn't for lack of chemsitry. Travis leaned back in his chair as he looked at me, and for a second I thought he was going to change his mind but when he spoke I had no such luck.

"I mean it. It's just pointless."

"So what if it's pointless? Isn't that what you wanted? Pointless meaningless sex?" I asked back, raising one eyebrow at him because he was making no sense at all. "You have it Trav, so stop overthinking this and worrying that I might want more because I don't."

"I'm not going to change my mind." his voice was in the same monotone he used whenever he was hiding his feelings. I'd seen it before, with me and with others. It was his mask, the side he showed you when he was being all business. "You don't even know what you're talking about Lila, your brothers are right...you better stay away from me."

"God you're worse than them." I retorted bitterly, hating that he was using that as a fucking excuse. I was a big girl, I could handle myself.

"If you say so." I wasn't sure what was happening exactly. Not that I did't know this was coming, I knew, but somehow this felt.....fake. Like he didn't really mean it, or maybe he just wasn't used to breaking up with women because he never needed to. Then again, we weren't anything. So he didn't really need to with me. Either way. I knew I'd lost him.

"Well that sucks." I replied, smirking a little as I shrugged it off. "You could have at least threw me a goodbye fu.ck." I teased him, crossing my legs as I finished off the rest of my muffin like it was nothing. And it was. Honestly I felt a little liberated. I knew I was getting in too deep, but with him ending it? I didn't have to. And I couldn't, so it was better for everyone this way.

"I'm sorry." He replied, looking a little taken aback. I just shrugged.

"I'll get over it." I winked and gathered my things. "But you're no longer invited to dinner. I'm not cooking for someone who's not going to at least go down on me afterwords." I saw Travis' face almost twitch into his signature smirk before he regained his control.

"Lila." His voice had a hard edge to it. I didn't know why he wanted to be so serious. We hooked up, it was great, epic even, but now it was time to move on. No big deal.

"That's my name." I smiled, but when I looked into his eyes? Emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew he was wrong for me, even in a strictly sexual sense and I knew this was for the better, but fu.ck when I looked into those eyes all reason went out the window. It was like I was seeing his soul and it was telling me that even though it was impossible, we were two halfs of a whole and it was meant to be. Why did I feel that way?

"You forgot your sketch book." He said, handing it off to me. I swallowed, keeping my smile as I took it from him and set it in my bag.

"Thanks." I stood up, slinging my bag on my shoulder and walking up to him, leaning down to kiss his cheek softly. "It's been good." I winked at him before standing up straight, taking a minuted to check him out shamelessly.

"More than good." he said in a low tone, the first hint of emotion lacing his voice. He stood up then, throwing a few bills on the table. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. Did I want to yell at him? Joke again? Beg him for a scrap more of what it was like when we were together? Yes. All of it yes.

"Where are you going?" I asked instead, following him out the door without even thinking about it.

"I have to go back to work too." he answered as we stepped out on the sidewalk.

"Right." I nodded, biting on my lip as I looked at the ground, hating myself for showing the weakness I had by following him. I couldn't have just made an exit....That was when I felt Travis lift my chin with one finger, his eyes staring into mine for a moment of pure clarity before it went back to fog as he kissed my forehead.

"Have a nice day Lil." And with that, he walked away.