i'm sorry that i couldn't get to you

i'm sorry that i couldn't get to you by ssaarah

 

I leaned against Travis' office door and watched him as he typed. In his perfectly tailored three piece suit he looked untouchable, like he owned the world and was perfectly together. I had seen another side of him. Many different sides actually, the latest being the one where he tangled his body with mine, holding me close and kissing me over and over as he told me how beautiful I was. Sure he was drunk....but it was still too much to handle.

"Lila." I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't realize he'd noticed me at all. His eyes took in my body, casually dressed in skinny jeans and a baggy sweatshirt that tended to slip off my shoulder.

"Hey."

"You're....what are you wearing?" I looked down and then back up at him, smiling as I walked in and shut the door behind me.

"Whatever I want."

"Is today casual friday and no one told me?" He asked, smirking as I sat across from him.

"Everyday is going to be casual for me now." I said slowly. "I quit my job." Travis' eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something but I spoke first. "At least I did kind of. Apple is keeping me on as a freelance designer, but I'll be working mostly from home."

"Lila..." he trailed off shaking his head and running his hand through his hair. "Is this because of-"

"Yes." I nodded, I'd come here to be honest after all. "I mean it's not totally because of us, but it did push me over the edge....you were right. We need to stop....whatever it is we were doing. And seeing you everyday won't help." Travis leaned back, looking surprised and overwhelmed, but I wasn't a girl who didn't speak her mind.

"Shit." he muttered under his breath as he sighed, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair.

"You don't need to be so upset about not seeing me everyday." I teased, wanting to remain pleasent even though we weren't sleeping together anymore, and we weren't friends either.

"That's not why." he said quickly, too quickly, making me narrow my eyes and bite back a sarcastic;

"Well thank you." before I saw that's not what he was meaning in the regret his eyes showed.

"I didn't mean it in that way." he leaned against his desk, his eyes still on mine as he tried to read me.

"Then what?" I asked slowly.

"You've been working here for how long? Two years?" he asked, his tone turning quickly from intimate to all business. "When did you find out that I worked here?"

"After I saw you at practice."

"Exactly." he nodded, clasping his hands on his desk in front of him, "You don't have to see me everyday, you haven't seen me for years." I laughed, a move that surprised him.

"That's totally different Trav. I wasn't looking for you before! But I don't want to have to avoid you!"

"Avoid me?"

"Look, I think you took what I said too seriously. I quit because I wanted to quit. Because I want to focus on my art and live my life. The fact that you're here, simply made the decision easier."

"You can be an artist and still work."

"And I will. I already have a freelance project with Apple set up. I'm not much of a 9-5 girl anyways." I shrugged.

"Lila..."

"What? It's better this way for you too, you won't have to worry about me....not like you do..." I sighed. "No I think you do. You don't need to worry about me or take care of me. Despite my age I'm a big girl, and I can take care of myself. I'm also pretty adept at taking care of you too." I smirked, thinking of how adorable he'd been drunk. Also how sexy and how ridiculously good it had been when we'd had sex that night. Not that it wasn't mindblowing every time. I saw his lips twitch upwards slightly.

"That won't happen again." He said in a more serious tone, even though his eyes were still smiling.

"Yes. We'll see about that." I grinned, a little part of me knowing that even though we weren't scheduling time together anymore, I didn't think I'd seen the last of him.

"I'm serious." I nodded.

"You were serious when you said you didn't want to fu.ck me anymore, and you fu.cked me a lot that night." I grinned. "But you're right, as nice as that was I won't let you in again."

"You won't have to."

"We'll see." I said again, knowing my eyes were smiling even as I was pushing all of Travis' buttons.

"Lila." he said my name again, this time as a warning.

"I'm sorry Trav, I know you think you're serious." I started, walking up and leaning in so I was setting my hands on his desk and close enough to smell his after-shave. "But you were pretty serious that night when you promised me you'd fuck my ass someday too." I said softly, not able to resist teasing him, even if it would be the last time. "Those two statements conflict each other, so how do I know what to believe?"

"I don't know, believe what you want." He shrugged, his eyes going blank like they did whenever he didn't want me to know what he was thinking. It worked. I crossed my arms over my chest and blinked back at him.

"You're not giving me any clue?" I asked.

"You said it yourself Lil, I was right at ending things." I opened my mouth but then realized that he was saying what I wanted him to so I just nodded.

"Yes." I replied as I took a step back from him. "You're weird." I added as a second thought for god knows why. But it made Travis laugh which was a sound I always loved.

"What am I doing now?" he grinned.

"I don't know....You're too calm."

"What do you expect me to say?" he asked, seeming interested in my opinion of him. It wasn't like I thought he should freak out or anything but....fuck I don't know what I thought.

"You can't even tell me what to believe in." I said finally, slumping in the chair opposite from his desk.

"Do you need something to believe in?" he replied, avoiding the real topic as usual. I smirked to tell him what a good deflecter her was when his phone started ringing. Knowing better than to think I was more important than work I shut up, waiting for him to answer. He didn't.

"Aren't you taking that?" I questioned.

"No." he almost said in a clipped tone as he glanced at his phone and looked a little annoyed.

"Okay." I nodded, but it started again, clearly it was importatnt. "God, it's annoying! Either pick it or turn it off." I spat, my impatience getting the better of me. Travis grinned and grabbed his phone.

"I can't talk right now I'm in the middle of a meeting." He said it in his business tone which didn't match his face because he was still smirking at me. "I said I can't talk. I'll call you later." he cut off whoever it was.

"Am I a meeting now?" I asked tilting my head to the side and grinning.

"See how important you are?" he winked at me before he slid his phone in his jacket. "What were we saying again?"

"I don't know. I'd say I have to be somewhere, but I don't have a schedule anymore so it would be a lie."

"Trying to get away from me already?" he grinned, an easy smile.

"Maybe." I ran my hands through my hair and leaned back. "Can I tell you something serious?" Travis blinked.

"You can tell me anything."

"I'm not sure how to say it." I admitted, breathing deeply and trying to get my thoughts together.

"I'm not sure if I should be nervous or not." he teased, though he did look a little tense. He probaby should be.

"Okay here it is. I know we were never together, but I also know we weren't nothing."

"We-" he started but I held my hand up, not wanting to hear him tell me that I was wrong, when I knew I was different than the other girls. I didn't know how I knew but I did.

"Just let me finish. I know you don't want a relationship....." I paused to lick my lips. "But if you ever find yourself wanting one, I'll be pretty pissed off if you don't come to me first." I ended, trying to make light of something I was pretty serious about. Travis laughed. He laughed. Usually I loved that sound, but what was so funny about us being together? Clearly he thought I was good enough to fuck in every way he could think of, what did that make me exactly?

"Sure Lil, I'll come to you on my knees and hold a diamond ring in a velvet box." he answered, shaking his head, his words making fun of mine and leaving me feeling empty and stupid.

"Come on Trav, don't be a jerk." I cursed myself because I knew I was blushing. I wasn't asking for a proposal....just a chance. But he was looking at me the way my brothers did when I asked if I could play football with them. Like I was a child with a silly dream.

"I wouldn't want to piss you off." he teased.

"It wasn't what I mean!" I protested, glaring at him to keep from crying, which is kind of what I felt like doing right now for some stupid reason.

"I know I'm just messing with you."

"I noticed." It was the problem...."But I was being serious."

"Lil I don't know what to say, I'm good like I am now and I don't know when and if I will ever change my mind." he said slowly, more seriously.

"But you said once you want a family, kids..." I trailed off, knowing I did sound like a girl who wanted him to fall in love and get married and live happily ever after but fuck I just wanted to know if what I felt was real or not! Travis nodded, agreeing because after all it was what he had told me himself.

"I know, but I'm not planning anything like that for now." he paused to offer me a pitying smile that I hated instantly, "And by the time I might? You'd probably be married with your own kids and I would've lost my chance already."

"I don't know about that. But I'm not going to wait for you like a crazy girl." I said seriously. "I just meant that." I groaned, hating having to make myself vulnerable again. "We're good together. I've never met a man who I can tell most anything to, someone who makes me laugh and feel protected without feeling overprotected. And we already know we're good together sexually." I grinned, since sex was something I was good at talking about. "I think we're a good fit. But I'm not saying I'm going to wait around pining over you. I don't like you that much." I smirked and Travis grinned.

"God you're beautiful." He said under his breath, almost as if he hadn't realized he was saying it.

"Yes, well. This beautiful girl just offered herself to you on a silver platter, but I won't be up for drunk Travis anymore."

"What do you mean?" I sucked in my lips.

"I mean I don't want to fuck you anymore." I said seriously. Because I needed more now. "Which sucks because now what will I do for fun?" I laughed at my own joke and Travis grinned, amused like he usually was. He was three things with me, awful, amused, or horny.

"I'm sure you'll find something." He said his eyes, slightly darker than they were before. I raised a brow at him.

"That's something that doesn't bother you? The idea of another man in my bed? His hands on me? Touching me the way you do..." I asked, not because I wanted him to be jealous, it wasn't a quality I found attractive in a man, but he'd basically ripped off my brothers head that night, so I wanted to know if he knew he held at least a little bit of possesiveness towards me.

"You knew I was fucking other women when I was sleeping with you and it didn't bother you." He replied, effectively avoiding the question.

"It did too." I replied seriously.

"Did it?" He raised a brow and for a second I wondered just how many other women there had been when I had been one of them.

"Yes, it was a waste because I'm better."

"That's your opinion." he said back quietly.

"Don't you even try..." I said seriously,glaring at him, knowing I was right at least about this.

"I did what I wanted to do." He shrugged, though I noticed I'd thrown him off balance and he'd admit it if it was the last thing I did.

"Are you saying I'm not better?" I asked, more than annoyed and a little offended.

"You're the best." he said finally, as if it had pained him to admit it. He stood up, grabbing a cigarette from a box on his desk and walked to the window to open it.

"Now, that's better." I said seriously as he started smoking, ignoring the fact that it wasn't allowed in the building. I wondered how he'd gotten away with disabling the smoke alarm in his office, but then...that was Travis. "You are too." I said after a few seconds of silence, walking up and squeezing his elbow.

"I know." he agreed as if it was obvious.

"Then why?" I asked softly, pursing my lips together and trying not to look as open and vulnerable as I felt.

"Do us both a favor Lil, stop making questions." he answered in a restrained tone, looking tense and uncomfortable. Like he couldn't stand this. I let my eyes close and I breathed in as the sun hit my face. I could do better. I didn't need to be this needy obsessed girl that I never wanted to be. But when I opened my eyes and he was looking down at me with those eyes that had always driven me crazy....I knew it was already too late.

"Okay." I whispered softly, feeling defeated even though I knew it had been a long shot. I wanted to scream, wanted to hit him, to demand why I wasn't good enough, demand he tell me what he wanted so I could be it. I hated feeling this way.

"I'm sorry." His words were so soft I would have missed them if I wasn't so in tune with everything related to him. I gave him a soft smile and reached up to trace his strong jaw with my hand. I grinned, reaching up on my toes to place a soft kiss against his cheek, but before I could go his hand was on my back, pulling me into his lips, kissing mine like he'd never kissed me before. It felt so fuc.king good and yet I knew what it was. It was goodbye. At least he respected me enough to give it to me. And I savored it. Every feeling, the press on his hand on my back, his chest hard against my breasts, the way my hands felt in his hair as I kissed him back just as fervently. I had to be the one to pull away, but damn it was so hard. I pushed gently back, switching to soft sweet kisses that were easier to move back from. Finally I created some distance between us.

"Don't miss me too much old man." I replied, my voice slightly shaky from the way he had been touching me. I didn't wait for a reply this time, instead I just turned to leave, grabbing my bag and not looking back. It was time to move on, even if it killed me.