once you want it to begin, no one really ever wins

once you want it to begin, no one really ever wins by ssaarah

 

 

"Come on Lila you've been MIA for months and now you're just going to sit at the bar like a buzz kill?" Jaime asked, pouting as one of the guys wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her on the dance floor.

"I'll just finish this drink and be back." I forced a smile, genuinely happy to be around friends but also too bummed out to play the happy single girl. I missed him. So much. So much that I was seing him right in front of me.....I blinked up at Trav who was pulling his girl to the other side of the bar after his eyes met mine. I reached out to touch him before thinking.

"Hey! You could at least say hi!" I narrowed my eyes on him and he didn't say anything.

"Hi Lila, bye Lila." he said in monotone, urging the other girl to move by pressing her hand on her bare back, the dress she was wearing just barely covering her ass.

"Who is that?" The girl with him turned to gloss over me before looking back into Travis' eyes. He shook his head.

"A girl I used to work with." he said under his breath as I rolled my eyes.

"He means a girl he used to sleep with. Men get so mixed up sometimes." I said to the poor thing across the bar that was too small for them to get away from me by sitting at the other end of it.

"Lila." Travis glared at me, which was stupid because the girl was going to go home with him pretty much no matter what. She looked at him with actual stars in her eyes.

"That's my name gorgeous." I winked at him and turned when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"He bothering you?" A guy asked, tall, probably only a little older than me. I nodded.

"Usually." I threw the guy a smile and watched as he stared back at me with the same look that the brunette was ogling Travis with. Why was it always the ones I didn't care about who were interested?

"Can I buy you a drink?" I side glanced over to Travis and his date, all but forgotten about me. I shook my head, turning away from the poor guy.

"I already have one thanks." I didn't turn back, my response final enough to scare the guy away. My stomach was in knots. I could feel the buzz of attraction that sparked between us whenever Travis was near me, but tonight I couldn't let myself act on it. Not that he would want me to. The more I thought about it, the more I told myself that if he had felt anything for me the way I did for him, he wouldn't have been sleeping with other girls while he was sleeping with me. The thought of sleeping with another man made me nervous and anxious, like I was having a panic attack. So I didn't think about it. Until my friends reminded me that I needed to have some fun and convinced me to come out with them. They were on the dance floor somewhere, scooped up by a bunch of buisness men almost immediatley, whose cute friend I had turned down. I licked my lips as I just stared down at my drink, almost willing it to get me drunk without even sipping it.

"You have sexy eyes....." the girl was telling Travis, casually tracing his jaw with his hand when I chanced a glance in their direction. I was suddenly so jealous of the girl it hurt. Thank god I had gotten away before things got worse. Travis' eyes met mine then, hot and dark. We held the gaze for what felt like forever before I broke it and gave the bartender my attention.

"Long day?" he asked, refilling my martini. He was classically handsome, maybe about Travis' age and height, though his short cropped auburn hair and green eyes were a distinct difference.

"You could say that." I gave him a weak smile as Trav's girl laughed, probably at nothing at all because she looked like a stupid idiot. God I was so jealous. And he wasn't even touching her right now! I sighed and set my head in my hand, shaking it.

"I can recognize a broken heart when I see it." The guy said, though his voice was laced with seriousness, not pity. "I find the best way to get over it is to sleep with a cute bartender." I looked up, my face suddenly breaking into a smile at the blunt way he said it.

"Oh really? That works huh?" He nodded, his eyes sparkling that were gorgeous in a totally different way than Travis'. Good god would I forever compare all men to him?!

"I have a 100% success rate in getting a mind off something else for a few hours." he grinned, perfect straight white teeth. He was the first man to hit on me that I didnt' want to leave immediately.

"A few hours huh? What's that like 3 or 4? You can really last that long?" I teased back, noticing when Travis perked up at my words."

"For you? Longer." The guy said the last couple words with a hot glance that didn't make me nauseous.

"Hey other people at the bar need help you know." Trav's voice rang out and the guy looked back at him.

"Sorry, I just decided to take a break." he smirked, hopping over the counter to offer me his hand. "At least let me have 3 or 4 minutes." he offered, nodding towards the dance floor. I took a glance back at Trav who was looking at me still, though I couldn't read his eyes. He didn't want you anymore. Move. On. I took the guys hand.

"This has been much longer than 4 minutes." I told Rafe who grinned wickedly down at me.

"Time flies when you're having fun." he wiggled his brows at me and I let myself laugh. He was the complete opposite of Travis, in looks and personality, and although I cursed myself for bringing him up in my head again, I enjoyed the differences.

"I'm not going to go home with you tonight." I said seriously, though I was smiling since I found this guy amusing.

"That's fine we can do it here." He smirked again and I rolled my eyes, wrapping my arms around his neck as I turned in his arms.

"So funny." I felt his hands tighten around my lower back before one moved up to cup my cheek, tangling in my hair and then pulling me in to a kiss that should have left me weak in the knees. He was handsome, funny, charming, all the things that would normally have my panties in his pocket when I was in college but now? His kiss made me feel totally empty, sick even. I pulled away and swallowed, running my hands through my hair.

"I have to use the ladies room." I said already halfway gone as I bolted away from him. The club had nice facilities, but there were already a few girls in here when all I wanted to do was be alone. I casually splashed some water on my face as the girls giggled about the cute boys and debated whether or not they would be seeing more of them. Their lives were so familiar to me, but at the same time seemed a million miles away. Just then the door burst open and Travis' large body filled the doorway.

"This is the ladies room." One of the girls on the other side of the room called out.

"Who cares....look at him." Another said and I rolled my eyes.

"Get out." Travis said pointedly to the other women, almost dangerously, and I tried to listen until he grabbed me. "Not you." The girls skidded out of there, the last one still eying Travis until the door shut.

"What?" I asked Trav, genuinely confused as to why he was following me, why he was after me at all.

"I'm bringing you home." He said seriously. I made a face at him.

"The hell you are. You don't get to go all caveman on me whenever we see each other Trav. Go back to ignoring me for your girls, it worked better for both of us."

"That guy your dancing with is worse than me." He pointed out, making me shoot him a questioning look.

"So?" I wasn't about to let Travis go from lover to over-protective brother just because we weren't together. "Travis go away! Leave me alone!!!" I begged, feeling so out of control I felt like a crazy person. Travis groaned.

"Why did you even have to be here tonight?!" he growled, stepping closer.

"Oh yeah, everything is about you. I'm so sorry I ruined your night of meaningless boring sex with Miss. Bimbo." I rolled my eyes.

"Damn it Lila." He growled again and we stared at each other for what felt like forever. I wasnt sure who moved first. All I knew was that I was in his arms, and he was kissing me like a man who was starving.

"Stop..." I whispered against his lips, trying to pull away but having no ability to do so at all.

"You don't want me to stop." he rasped out, his own desire showing in his voice, in the heat in his eyes as he held me tight and started hitting all of my trigger spots with his lips and teeth. My throat, the place my ear met my neck, my jaw line. I was lost in him. His touch felt so good I felt high and I couldn't get enough. Where Rafe's kiss made me feel awful, Travis' made me ache for more. I was consumed with need, raw and powerful.

"Travis..."

"Let's not play this game Lila, I'm not in the mood. I just need you right now." he was looking at me, telling me he was seconds away from losing it.

"Then what?" I managed to ask. He pulled back.

"What?"

"You need me now....you have me. You know you have me whenever you need me. But what next?"

"Lila...." He looked like he was going to say something but instead he cursed and hauled me back into his arms. "I can't walk away from you." He said, almost to himself as his hands grabbed the hem of my skirt and pulled it up. I felt desperate, and before I knew it the words were flying out of my mouth.

"Travis I love you!" It stopped him dead in his tracks. He backed up, swallowing as he looked at me as though seeing me for the first time. Someone chose that moment to try to get into the bathroom but Travis slammed his hand against the door and held it there.

"You don't love me Lila." He replied, dead serious, not blinking, his eyes blazing with something I couldn't read.

"No. You don't love me. There's a difference."

"Stop telling me how I feel!" I reached out and hit him as hard as I could and he didn't even stop me, he looked like he was pitying me actually. I hated it. "You can pretend how much you want but you know it's true!"

"Lila, you don't know what you're talking about." he said quietly, just like he did when he was thinking about how young and naive I was, like I was a kid who needed a babysitter and not a woman who had a chance with him.

"I do instead!" I protested, fisting his shirt and pulling him closer to me., "Look at me Trav...look at me!" I ordered, this time he did it, the connection that popped up whenever we looked into each others eyes was still there. So strong. "Don't you believe me? Can't you see I mean it? I love you." I repeated, more softly this time.

"You're shaken right now." he swallowed and looked tired and upset. If this was what love was I was glad I'd never had it before. It made me feel like a crazy person. Travis cupped my face in his hands and pressed my body back against the door, making sure I was still trapped in his arms, "Calm down."

"I am calm Travis, I-"

"Shh." he didn't let me finish my sentence, instead he was kissing me. I tried not to kiss him back but I couldn't, my whole body wanted him too badly....

"Stop it Trav...stop." I muttered between kisses before I melted against him, submitting to him, giving him my body and my heart even though it was a stupid stupid thing to do. "I love you." I said again, lost in his kisses.

"Lila please...no." he whsipered against my lips as his hands reached out to pick me up, totally opposite from his words. I wrapped my legs around his waist, giving into him like I would everytime he touched me.

"What don't you believe? That I'm too naive and young to love, or that someone could really love you?" I whispered, cupping his face in my hands and feeling so raw with emotion it was exhausting.

"Both." he said offhandedly, scraping his teeth up my neck as he pressed his denim clad erection against me, making me call out. I wanted him inside of me, wanted to show him physially what he meant to me emotionally, since it was the best way we communicated.

"Every time you touch me I go weak. I think about ways to make you smile, to make you laugh. I worry when you're upset and I'm sad when you're sad. Tell me Travis if that's not love what is?"

"Lil...." my name was choked out on his lips but instead of answering, he kissed me, hard and long, drawing it out and filling me with his passion, a passion I knew was for me only. I kissed him back fervently,tangling my hands in his hair and holding every part of him close. I was so focused on kissing him I didn't even realize he'd unzipped his jeans until his hand was pushing aside my panties and then he thrusted, hard and deep inside of me.

"TRAVIS!" I called out, too lost in him to care that we were in public, that anyone could hear me, walk in even.

"This is what we are." He growled, mindlessly pumping in and out of me. "Just this...." he was saying the words out loud, almost to himself, but I didn't believe them, even if they were meant to hurt me I knew he was lying.

"You know that's not true...." I whispered, taking him deep everytime, letting my head fall back as I called out.

"It can't be." he said eventually, his deep voice barely an understandable growl as I kept pumping inside of me, god it felt so good. I tangled my fingers in hsi hair and pulled roughly, punishing him and pulling him closer at the same time, it was never enough, I always wanted more.

"You know it...god, you know it." I repeated as my body moved up and down against the door. Travis pulled back slightly before rushing to give me all of him.

"Like this, keep me inside of you." he groaned lowly as he rolled his hips so that he was balls deep inside of me, stretching me even as my body pulled and pulsed against him.

"You are inside of me." I breathed out between moans, the moment feeling so completely epic I could barely breathe.

"Lil." he muttered as his head dipped down into my hair and then his lips hit my neck, sucking and nipping at my skin as he sped up. "F.uck Lila you drive me crazy."

"Show me. I need it Travis....I need you so bad it hurts." I admtited, the words having been locked inside of me so long that now they were flowing like a waterfall along with the moans of pleasure from him filling me.

"Stop..." his voice broke as he pushed deep again, holding me tight and burying his head in my neck.

"I can't stop baby." I whispered, moving my hands in his hair. He bit down on my neck, hard, before he started to fuck me without holding back, grasping at any part of me he could get to, his teeth scraping me, nipping at me.

"I want to see you cum." he ordered, his voice monotonous een when his eyes were firey with lust.

"Yes....." I nodded, thrusting my hips towards his as he moved a hand between us, touching me just right, just how I needed, better than I could have done it myself until I was falling head first over a cliff, his name on my lips as I struggled not to yell out words of love just because he was making me feel so good. He deserved more than that....it was what he expected, and while I knew the reason it was so good with him was because of my feelings? I didn't want him to think that was all there was. "You too....inside of me, please...." I begged, over and over, almost more desperate for his release than I was for my own. Travis cursed under his breath as his face scrunched up and I milked him for every inch he was worth, coming hard and long, so long I could feel him empting inside of me.

"God Lil." he groaned as he leaned his forehead against mine, closing his eyes as I let mine shut too. I was still moaning, my own orgasm spasming as my body went limp.

"Trav..." I trailed off in a small voice. He didn't answer, he just kissed me, slowly, deeply, keeping my hips pinned against the door and his dick deep inside of me. I wrapped my legs around him tighter, my arms too, not wanting this moment to end ever.

"A little longer, please." I whispered against her lips. Travis finally opened his eyes and looked at me, the pity gone and instead....god I couldn't even read it.

"We have to get out of this bathroom before someone come to kick us out." he said quietly as he offered a small smile, cupping my cheek with one hand and brushing my hair off my face.

"Okay." I bit down on my lip and nodded, wondering what this meant. I told him I loved him and he....sleeps with me? He pulled out of me, groaning as he did before he set me back on my feet.

"I'm taking you home now, okay?" he said as he wrapped his arm around me.

"Okay." I nodded, feeling totally wiped out, wrecked, completely and totally. My chest felt heavy and my legs felt like jello, while I was sore in a wonderful way everywhere.

"Are you?" He asked, tilting up my head as he took special care to smooth my dress, then my hair. I hated how he took care of me, but I loved it too, loved feeling so special and important.

"I wish I didn't." I whispered, feeling like I could break down at any moment. Travis sighed, scooping me up into his arms and holding me tight.

"I know." he held me tight, almost too tight but I didn't care. And then he was walking me outside, setting me in his car and driving carefully for once in his life.

"Is it really just me?" I asked softly, glancing over at him. He shook his head.

"Lil...." I licked my lips and leaned into him.

"I'm trying not to be just another girl who falls for a guy for no reason Trav, but I've never felt anything like what I feel for you. Like we're connected in a way I can't even explain....you're right...I'm young and I've never been in love before so maybe I'm confusing it with something else. Tell me that's true." Travis swallowed thickly.

"I can't tell you how you feel." He answered as he pulled up to my apartment. I got out, not waiting for him to help me but loving how he followed me close, probably just afraid to let me walk on my own like the crazy creeper he was but I still loved it. We stopped at my door and I turned to him.

"You can tell me how you feel." I said seriously, sliding my hands up his chest to hold his face, tiptoing up to kiss his lips. "You can't tell me it's nothing." I whispered agaisnt them.

"Is that what you want to hear from me?" he asked quietly. I pulled back, still holding on to him, but looking into his eyes that killed me.

"I just want to know what you think..." I trailed off, feeling weak and small, things I never felt. He ran his hands down my back and kept me in place, his face filled with guilt. Fuck....

"It's not a good idea instead." he said stubbornly, shaking his head.

"Travis."

"I don't love you Lil." he said bluntly. It was the right thing to say if it was true, but it still hurt more than anything had ever hurt in my whole life. It was so silly, I knew it already and yet.....I had still had hope. For no reason. I swallowed, nodding my head slowly before I took a shaky breath.

"I know. But you care about me, don't you?" I asked in a whisper.

"Of course I do." he admitted as he wrapped me into his body, holding me tight as I buried my face against his chest and I inhaled his scent. "I'm sorry Lil." he said against my hair.

"I know." I whispered against his hard chest, the smell of him just making it harder. I wished I could be better, wished I could be the kind of girl he loved, wondered who that would be, and hated her instantly.

"It's not you." He replied, as if he was reading my thoughts. Who knew maybe he could.

"It's me." I said as I ran my hands through my hair. "You want a family, a wife and kids and you don't think I can give it to you."

"Lila...."

"You had a girlfriend, you've been in love before, so it's not you. Therefor it has to be me."

"I-" I shook my head and held my hand to his lips.

"Stay with me." I asked, even though it had come out like an order.

"That's not a good idea." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Stay with me." Travis took in a deep breath, then nodded slowly, walking with me into my apartment and watching as I put away my shoes and hung up my keys and my bag.

"Why?" he asked from behind me.

"Because I want you to." I replied, even though I knew it was a terrible idea. I needed to hold on to him for just a little bit longer. He ran his hands through his hair but didn't walk away/

"Do you have something to drink?" he asked eventually.

"I'm not in the mood for drunk Travis." I replied seriously and he looked back blankly until I answered. "Under the sink." I added with a sigh. Travis walked into the kitchen, bending over to grab the whiskey I had in the cabinet.

"Why are you hiding it?" he teased, though it wasn't like usual, there was an elephant in the room. I loved him, and he didn't love me. Why did I want him to say....and why was he?

"I don't know." I shrugged nonchalantly before walking away.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm getting changed!" I felt like I was runing on autopilot, grabbing a big tee shirt and changing out of my cocktail dress into it, walking back out to find Trav on the balcony, a cigarette in his hand. "I hate when you smoke."

"Shit Lil." he muttered under his breath, groaning and for some reason seeing Travis surprised like that made me laugh out loud. "I know." he said eventualy, pulling me into his arms.

"I love you." I whispered against his chest and his hands shook as he held me tighter. "I'm sorry." I shook my head and he pulled back, holding my face in his hands.

"You can't be sorry." He ordered, the sharp bite in his voice so familiar. I swallowed and nodded.

"If I didn't love you we'd be fine." I groaned. "This is the worst." Travis chuckled. "Are you laughing at me?" He shook his head.

"No, you're just.....you're you. Even.....now." he looked like he was having a hard time saying what was going through his head.

"I'll always be me Trav. Even if me is stupid." I growled the end and Travis pulled me into his hard body again. I relished the feeling. I didn't understand it. Why he had to be close to me, wanted to, needed to, but didn't want to be with me. Because I was so young? Because I told him I didn't want to get married and pop out babies? Or was it just me. I was good enough for somethings...but not for everything. I didn't know. I hardly cared when he was holding me.

"Lila...." his voice was tinged with desire this time and I shivered but shook my head, standing up. I couldn't make love with him again one sided. It nearly broke me before....and even though I knew if he wanted it I'd never turn him down, I had to trust that he knew I was at my breaking point. "Come on cutie, I'm putting you to bed." the way he said it made me realize he knew my thoughts....another thing that made me love him. Damn.

"Okay." I nodded, knowing I'd sleep deep after such physical and emotional exhaustion....but not well. No. I didn't know when the next time I'd sleep well would be. Travis kissed my forehead and then pulled back, reaching for my hand and leading me into the bedroom in silence. This was nice, why couldn't we have this everynight. Talking about our lives and then going to bed together, making love and then falling asleep in each others arms.....why didn't he want that?

"Do you sleep like this?" he asked once we stopped next to my bed. I shsook my head and roamed the room until I saw what I was looking for.

"My nightgown." I said simply. I felt his hands grab the oversized shirt and pull it off my body, his palms hitting my skin so seductively as he did. I shivered and choked back tears. "Travis please, I can't." I breathed out, closing my eyes and biting down hard against my lip. The thing was, I wanted to, I still wanted more of him even when it broke my heart, even when I just had him, but now.....I was too fragile.

"I know." he said quietly as he slipped my nightgown over my body, being careful not to touch me too much. "You're all ready." he added and I opened my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"I have to pee." I announced and he raised one eyebrow at me, remembering how that had turned out the last time. "For real." I added with the hint of a smile, walking in and finishing up, brushing my teeth and washing my face, knowing he wouldn't be there when I got out. But when I did he was in my bed, in just a pair of boxers, looking like my dream come true even though he wasn't.

"You're staying?" I asked, surprise evident in my voice.

"You asked me to." he answered quietly, "Come here." he said as he stretched his arm out to offer me his hand. I grabbed his hand, letting him pull me into his hard warm body. He wrapped me up in his arms first and the blankets second before running his hands down my hair.

"Trav..." I whispered, though I yawned as I said it, so tired I could barely think.

"Shhh...sleep Lil." I didnt need to be asked twice, it felt so good in his arms, so warm and safe, even though he was breaking my heart.

"I love you." I whispered finally, the only words I seemed to be able to say today.

"I know." Were the last ones I heard before I fell asleep.