no pain no gain by sassy
My phone rang once again, more like vibrated in the inner pocket of my jacket as I drove toward a destination I knew a little too well. I didn't need to pick the call to know who it was, my personal pain in the a.ss had been calling me all day. And yet here I was, going to her apartment even though my thoughts were still on my lunch with Lila, more specifically on her sketch. What could I say, I was beyond impressed, I was still stunned, and I couldn't help wondering how incredibly beautiful would be a portrait of her, gloriously naked, for me to look at whenever I wanted to. I pushed the thought aside because it was borderline creepy and I sounded borderline obsessed, and also because I had finally reached my destination.
I walked into the building like I had done one million times before during the last four years then I headed for the stairway, not bothering to wait for the elevator, and I finally stopped at the third floor a bunch of seconds later. I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair as my other hand fished my set of keys out of my pocket to open the door of the apartment carefully, I never knew what could be expecting me. "Karlie?" I asked quietly once I stepped inside, silence filling the apartment.
I walked into the building like I had done one million times before during the last four years then I headed for the stairway, not bothering to wait for the elevator, and I finally stopped at the third floor a bunch of seconds later. I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair as my other hand fished my set of keys out of my pocket to open the door of the apartment carefully, I never knew what could be expecting me. "Karlie?" I asked quietly once I stepped inside, silence filling the apartment.
I guessed that was the calm before the storm because not more than 3 seconds later here she was, my ex in all her craziness looking at me as if she wanted to kill me. "It was about time!" She spat, crossing her arms against her chest.
I shot her a blank stare since I was used to her shows and raised one eyebrow slowly. "It was about time?" I repeated her words, my tone a warning one. Unfortunately, just like I was used to her crazy moments she was used to me being an a.sshole to her.
"I took you forever! Where the hell did you were?" She asked sharply, her eyes so wide that made her face look like a mask that didn't really do justice to her beauty. Karlie was a gorgeous woman, always had been, thin with amazing boobs, legs that looked neverending and a perky ass that was always a joy to spank, her eyes were big and intense, her lips full and soft...unfortunately her beauty was now fogged by her fragile state of mind. Her face brought the signs of a girl who didn't sleep much, who didn't eat enough either, and was under the influence either of drugs or alcohol. I knew her, so I knew they were the drugs. Prescription drugs, but still.
I took a deep breath, forcing myself not to lose it as I looked at the girl who once had been my girlfriend, "I was working." It was all I could tell without starting yelling, my hands rolled into fists along my body and my jaw set. I didn't even know why I still went to her everytime she claimed to need to talk to me. Correction, I did know, but I was starting to think that the more I humored her the less I helped her. Truth was, I didn't know what to do anymore, she exhausted me. There were nights when she called me and we ended up hooking up like old times, and those were nice nights, but there were others, like today, when it was a torture.
"I called you hours ago! Hours Trav! You could've hurried up!" She protested, talking nonsense, "I could have died!"
I snorted as I rolled my eyes, brushing past her as I waled to the kitchen to pour myself a drink, "And yet yere you are, very alive." I said as I reached for a glass.
She followed me, of course, leaning against the counter and still staring at me angrily. Of course she had no intention of giving up. "I needed you Travis."
I turned my head slowly, wanting to kick my own face for still keeping up with her shenanigans. "I'm here Karlie, isn't it enough?" I asked and leaned into her just so slighty as I bored my eyes into hers, challenging her to say the wrong thing.
"NO!" She answered immediately, of course never scared of my temper. "I needed you six hours ago!!!" She yelled in my face.
"I was working!!!" I yelled back, giving up and getting mad. It always ended like this, always, it was so sad and ugly, yet we couldn't stop. I promised to myself I would, but she tricked me into it everytime.
"Oh were you?" She set her hands on my chest and pushed me backwards, leaving me blinking at her and counting to ten before doing or saying anything. I was fuming. "Because I saw you with that girl!"
At that, I furrowed my brows, completely taken aback. "What are you talking about?" I asked.
She shook her head, a bitter chuckle escaping her throat, "Blonde hair, pale skin, doll face...what Travis, don't you even look them in the face anymore before fucking them?"
Her words hit me hard and it didn't take long to realize that the girl she was talking was Lila. "What I do or what I don't do isn't any of your business." I said between my clenched teeth, not admitting either denying, I just wanted her to forget about Lila.
"So you are fucking her!" She pointed out, hands on the hips and eyes on mine, "God how old is she Travis, 18? You're disgusting."
And that was when I lost it, "You have no idea of what you're talking about. She's not 18 and I work with her-" I cut myself off when it downed on me. How did she even know? "Why did you see me with her Karlie. Please tell me you weren't coming to my office..." I trailed off, waiting for her answer which didn't arrive, at least not by her voice. Her pursed lips and her guilty face were enough. "Fuck Karlie! How many times do I have to tell you? Are we back to square one? You can't come to my office, if you need me you can call me and if I don't answer man up and deal your own shit alone!" I roared, beyond angry at this point, my voice too loud and my blood boiling, but that was the effect she had on me. She turned me as crazy as she was, but it wasn't a good kind of craziness.
"I-I was freaking out I didn't know what to do." She started and her voice was broken, her eyes were getting red and watery and I was about to be fucked but not literally.
"But you survived until now, give yourself some more credit damn it!" I went on, even slamming my hand against the counter and making her jump, "We can't go on like this. It's not fair for either of us."
"Are you fucking her?" She asked again between sobs and I was surprised that despite everything she had the balls to stick her nose in my business. I guessed it was my fault if I let her.
"I could be fucking the whole state and you shouldn't care less, we're not together Karlie. We haven't been together for almost two years now." I clarified, still yelling and still furious.
My words hit straight to the point and she brought her hands to her eyes as she started crying. Oh lord. "I'm sorry Travis, I'm so sorry." She sobbed.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, my head aching and my heart didn't feeling any better. I hated seeing her like this. Hated it. She was this sadder weaker crazier of the girl I had once fallen in loved with, and I still loved her, still cared for her and I wasn't really able just to leave her alone to deal with her demons, mostly if deep down I felt in part responsible for that. "Don't cry, please." I said in a quiet tone this time, reaching for her body and stroking her back in a conforting manner.
She took the motion as an invitation and pressed her body against mine, burying her face against my chest. "Stay Trav." She begged, her voice muffled against my shirt.
"We can't keep doing this." I shook my head, wrapping my arms around her and wishing there could be an easy way to fix this situation, "It's not good for you. I'm not good for you. You need to learn to walk with your own legs."
Her head tilted in my direction and fuck the way she was looking at me just killed me. "I can, I will, I promise. I got better already...but stay, please, tonight only." She whispered and we both knew she was lying because there would be other nights like this one even if I didn't want to, only I didn't know how to stop either.
"Okay." I said finally, feeling exhausted, "Go wash your face and stop crying, I'll make you some tea. We need to talk Karlie."
She nodded her head and smiled a little, of course happy with my answer. She lifted herself up on her tip toes and pressed a soft kiss on my lips. "Thanks baby."
flashback;
I closed the door behind me, grateful to be back home after a long way at work. I was happy with my job, it was stimulating, I made good money, but still...it wasn't what I had been dreaming to do for years. I couldn't complain thought, really, I had taken it as a challenge and now I was getting adjusted. "Baby?" I said, breaking the silence of my apartment and guessing that my girlfriend had to be somewhere there. Or maybe she was out, I never knew what to expect to her lately, we had been together for longer than I had ever been with anyone else, not only months but we were talking about years. Of course we weren't like we once used to, the honeymoon phase had been over since the thirds month maybe, and even if now our relationship wasn't exactly ideal I was still set on giving ourselves a chance. She was a lot to handle, crazy to the bones, but wasn't that what I had fallen in love with?
"I'm here!" Came her voice from the kitchen, cheerful like it hadn't been for a while, and I took that as a good sign. Who knew, maybe tonight we'd be able to go to bed without arguing.
I followed her voice and peeked my head in, shocked to see her baking a cake. She was good at cooking but cakes? Last time I checked it wasn't my brithday. "Hey." I said quietly, noticing immediatly how good her mood was and feeling oddly relieved about it.
She wiped her hands against her apron and literally run to me, cupping my face in her hands and kissing me hard. "Hi baby." She said back, smiling against my lips and staring into my eyes.
"What are you doing?" I asked once she pulled back, stepping into the room as I looked around. It was all clean and I don't know, it was weird seeing her like this. The fact that I wasn't used to see her happy anymore said a lot.
She bit down on her lip, getting rid of her apron and checking the oven before walking over me again to wrap her arms around my neck. "I made a cake because we have something to celebrate." She said quietly, smile still in place as she pressed her body against me.
"It's not our anniversary." I teased her as I pushed her bangs off her eyes, "Not yet."
"It's something else..." She trailed off, looking as if she was dying to tell me and hell I was dying to know. If it made her so happy? It had to be good.
I smiled at her, squeezing her in my arms and for once feeling like we once used to. There was still hope for us, maybe. "Tell me baby because I'm clueless."
"I don't know how to say it." She chuckled, blushing as she hid her face against my chest.
"Just say it." I poked her side and waited for her to look at me.
She pulled her head back and made eye contact again. "I'm pregnant Trav." She said simply, just like I had suggested. Too bad this was something I didn't want to hear.
I blinked, my head spinning because this couldn't be true. It couldn't happen. "You-" I cut myself off, "What? You what?"
"I'm pregnant." She repeated slowly, still smiling and only making me worry more. Babies were great, amazing, adorable, anything want, but they were if you wanted them. "Isn't it amazing?"
I pulled back as I tried to absorb the news but I just couldn't, I refused to believe my own ears, but what was worrying me even more was the way she was reacting. How she was glowing. "How is it possible?" I asked slowly, wishing she could just reason with me, explain, instead of showering me with rainbows and unicorns.
"I don't know and I don't care." She shrugged nonchalantly, "I might have forgotten to take my pill a few times...you know me, I have bad memory."
"Karlie." I started, even though I didn't even know where to start, "Are you sure you're pregnant?"
"Yes, I took a few tests..." She trailed off as she finally realized that I wasn't as excited as she was. I was terrified instead. She frowned, "You're not happy?"
I opened my mouth and closed it several times before articulating a sentence and even when I did I felt like there was no way to explain what I had in mind. "I don't think we're ready for having a baby." I said eventually, meaning it. We didn't get along anymore, we argued too much, we both had great career waiting for us...a baby wasn't in our plans, or at least it wasn't in mine.
She looked at me in horror, "No one is ever really ready. This happened for a reason Travis..." She trailed off, taking a step back and pulling a way from me, "We can be a family. This baby can fix everything."
I blinked at her because I couldn't believe she had just said that. She was smarter than that. "Baby, no...we can't fix things between us with having a baby. It wouldn't be right for him or her. We're not ready." I explained, trying to stay calm and reason but goddman it it was hard. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't really, but I didn't want this baby either.
"I don't care, I'm going to keep this baby, our baby!" She spat as she set her hand on her stomach which was, of course, as flat as usual, but she was trying to prove her point. "If you don't want it? Fine, that's your problem, because I'm not changing my mind for any reason!"
"It's not that I don't want it, it's just bad timing." I said in a tone of forced calm even though I knew I was lying. I didn't know if I'd ever want to have babies. I just needed her to reason, to use her brain.
"It's obvious that we disagree here." She shook her head, looking upset beyond words, but I couldn't bite my tongue just to make her happy. This was a big deal. "Think about it Travis, because I'll have this baby, with our without you."
I shot her a blank stare since I was used to her shows and raised one eyebrow slowly. "It was about time?" I repeated her words, my tone a warning one. Unfortunately, just like I was used to her crazy moments she was used to me being an a.sshole to her.
"I took you forever! Where the hell did you were?" She asked sharply, her eyes so wide that made her face look like a mask that didn't really do justice to her beauty. Karlie was a gorgeous woman, always had been, thin with amazing boobs, legs that looked neverending and a perky ass that was always a joy to spank, her eyes were big and intense, her lips full and soft...unfortunately her beauty was now fogged by her fragile state of mind. Her face brought the signs of a girl who didn't sleep much, who didn't eat enough either, and was under the influence either of drugs or alcohol. I knew her, so I knew they were the drugs. Prescription drugs, but still.
I took a deep breath, forcing myself not to lose it as I looked at the girl who once had been my girlfriend, "I was working." It was all I could tell without starting yelling, my hands rolled into fists along my body and my jaw set. I didn't even know why I still went to her everytime she claimed to need to talk to me. Correction, I did know, but I was starting to think that the more I humored her the less I helped her. Truth was, I didn't know what to do anymore, she exhausted me. There were nights when she called me and we ended up hooking up like old times, and those were nice nights, but there were others, like today, when it was a torture.
"I called you hours ago! Hours Trav! You could've hurried up!" She protested, talking nonsense, "I could have died!"
I snorted as I rolled my eyes, brushing past her as I waled to the kitchen to pour myself a drink, "And yet yere you are, very alive." I said as I reached for a glass.
She followed me, of course, leaning against the counter and still staring at me angrily. Of course she had no intention of giving up. "I needed you Travis."
I turned my head slowly, wanting to kick my own face for still keeping up with her shenanigans. "I'm here Karlie, isn't it enough?" I asked and leaned into her just so slighty as I bored my eyes into hers, challenging her to say the wrong thing.
"NO!" She answered immediately, of course never scared of my temper. "I needed you six hours ago!!!" She yelled in my face.
"I was working!!!" I yelled back, giving up and getting mad. It always ended like this, always, it was so sad and ugly, yet we couldn't stop. I promised to myself I would, but she tricked me into it everytime.
"Oh were you?" She set her hands on my chest and pushed me backwards, leaving me blinking at her and counting to ten before doing or saying anything. I was fuming. "Because I saw you with that girl!"
At that, I furrowed my brows, completely taken aback. "What are you talking about?" I asked.
She shook her head, a bitter chuckle escaping her throat, "Blonde hair, pale skin, doll face...what Travis, don't you even look them in the face anymore before fucking them?"
Her words hit me hard and it didn't take long to realize that the girl she was talking was Lila. "What I do or what I don't do isn't any of your business." I said between my clenched teeth, not admitting either denying, I just wanted her to forget about Lila.
"So you are fucking her!" She pointed out, hands on the hips and eyes on mine, "God how old is she Travis, 18? You're disgusting."
And that was when I lost it, "You have no idea of what you're talking about. She's not 18 and I work with her-" I cut myself off when it downed on me. How did she even know? "Why did you see me with her Karlie. Please tell me you weren't coming to my office..." I trailed off, waiting for her answer which didn't arrive, at least not by her voice. Her pursed lips and her guilty face were enough. "Fuck Karlie! How many times do I have to tell you? Are we back to square one? You can't come to my office, if you need me you can call me and if I don't answer man up and deal your own shit alone!" I roared, beyond angry at this point, my voice too loud and my blood boiling, but that was the effect she had on me. She turned me as crazy as she was, but it wasn't a good kind of craziness.
"I-I was freaking out I didn't know what to do." She started and her voice was broken, her eyes were getting red and watery and I was about to be fucked but not literally.
"But you survived until now, give yourself some more credit damn it!" I went on, even slamming my hand against the counter and making her jump, "We can't go on like this. It's not fair for either of us."
"Are you fucking her?" She asked again between sobs and I was surprised that despite everything she had the balls to stick her nose in my business. I guessed it was my fault if I let her.
"I could be fucking the whole state and you shouldn't care less, we're not together Karlie. We haven't been together for almost two years now." I clarified, still yelling and still furious.
My words hit straight to the point and she brought her hands to her eyes as she started crying. Oh lord. "I'm sorry Travis, I'm so sorry." She sobbed.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, my head aching and my heart didn't feeling any better. I hated seeing her like this. Hated it. She was this sadder weaker crazier of the girl I had once fallen in loved with, and I still loved her, still cared for her and I wasn't really able just to leave her alone to deal with her demons, mostly if deep down I felt in part responsible for that. "Don't cry, please." I said in a quiet tone this time, reaching for her body and stroking her back in a conforting manner.
She took the motion as an invitation and pressed her body against mine, burying her face against my chest. "Stay Trav." She begged, her voice muffled against my shirt.
"We can't keep doing this." I shook my head, wrapping my arms around her and wishing there could be an easy way to fix this situation, "It's not good for you. I'm not good for you. You need to learn to walk with your own legs."
Her head tilted in my direction and fuck the way she was looking at me just killed me. "I can, I will, I promise. I got better already...but stay, please, tonight only." She whispered and we both knew she was lying because there would be other nights like this one even if I didn't want to, only I didn't know how to stop either.
"Okay." I said finally, feeling exhausted, "Go wash your face and stop crying, I'll make you some tea. We need to talk Karlie."
She nodded her head and smiled a little, of course happy with my answer. She lifted herself up on her tip toes and pressed a soft kiss on my lips. "Thanks baby."
flashback;
I closed the door behind me, grateful to be back home after a long way at work. I was happy with my job, it was stimulating, I made good money, but still...it wasn't what I had been dreaming to do for years. I couldn't complain thought, really, I had taken it as a challenge and now I was getting adjusted. "Baby?" I said, breaking the silence of my apartment and guessing that my girlfriend had to be somewhere there. Or maybe she was out, I never knew what to expect to her lately, we had been together for longer than I had ever been with anyone else, not only months but we were talking about years. Of course we weren't like we once used to, the honeymoon phase had been over since the thirds month maybe, and even if now our relationship wasn't exactly ideal I was still set on giving ourselves a chance. She was a lot to handle, crazy to the bones, but wasn't that what I had fallen in love with?
"I'm here!" Came her voice from the kitchen, cheerful like it hadn't been for a while, and I took that as a good sign. Who knew, maybe tonight we'd be able to go to bed without arguing.
I followed her voice and peeked my head in, shocked to see her baking a cake. She was good at cooking but cakes? Last time I checked it wasn't my brithday. "Hey." I said quietly, noticing immediatly how good her mood was and feeling oddly relieved about it.
She wiped her hands against her apron and literally run to me, cupping my face in her hands and kissing me hard. "Hi baby." She said back, smiling against my lips and staring into my eyes.
"What are you doing?" I asked once she pulled back, stepping into the room as I looked around. It was all clean and I don't know, it was weird seeing her like this. The fact that I wasn't used to see her happy anymore said a lot.
She bit down on her lip, getting rid of her apron and checking the oven before walking over me again to wrap her arms around my neck. "I made a cake because we have something to celebrate." She said quietly, smile still in place as she pressed her body against me.
"It's not our anniversary." I teased her as I pushed her bangs off her eyes, "Not yet."
"It's something else..." She trailed off, looking as if she was dying to tell me and hell I was dying to know. If it made her so happy? It had to be good.
I smiled at her, squeezing her in my arms and for once feeling like we once used to. There was still hope for us, maybe. "Tell me baby because I'm clueless."
"I don't know how to say it." She chuckled, blushing as she hid her face against my chest.
"Just say it." I poked her side and waited for her to look at me.
She pulled her head back and made eye contact again. "I'm pregnant Trav." She said simply, just like I had suggested. Too bad this was something I didn't want to hear.
I blinked, my head spinning because this couldn't be true. It couldn't happen. "You-" I cut myself off, "What? You what?"
"I'm pregnant." She repeated slowly, still smiling and only making me worry more. Babies were great, amazing, adorable, anything want, but they were if you wanted them. "Isn't it amazing?"
I pulled back as I tried to absorb the news but I just couldn't, I refused to believe my own ears, but what was worrying me even more was the way she was reacting. How she was glowing. "How is it possible?" I asked slowly, wishing she could just reason with me, explain, instead of showering me with rainbows and unicorns.
"I don't know and I don't care." She shrugged nonchalantly, "I might have forgotten to take my pill a few times...you know me, I have bad memory."
"Karlie." I started, even though I didn't even know where to start, "Are you sure you're pregnant?"
"Yes, I took a few tests..." She trailed off as she finally realized that I wasn't as excited as she was. I was terrified instead. She frowned, "You're not happy?"
I opened my mouth and closed it several times before articulating a sentence and even when I did I felt like there was no way to explain what I had in mind. "I don't think we're ready for having a baby." I said eventually, meaning it. We didn't get along anymore, we argued too much, we both had great career waiting for us...a baby wasn't in our plans, or at least it wasn't in mine.
She looked at me in horror, "No one is ever really ready. This happened for a reason Travis..." She trailed off, taking a step back and pulling a way from me, "We can be a family. This baby can fix everything."
I blinked at her because I couldn't believe she had just said that. She was smarter than that. "Baby, no...we can't fix things between us with having a baby. It wouldn't be right for him or her. We're not ready." I explained, trying to stay calm and reason but goddman it it was hard. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't really, but I didn't want this baby either.
"I don't care, I'm going to keep this baby, our baby!" She spat as she set her hand on her stomach which was, of course, as flat as usual, but she was trying to prove her point. "If you don't want it? Fine, that's your problem, because I'm not changing my mind for any reason!"
"It's not that I don't want it, it's just bad timing." I said in a tone of forced calm even though I knew I was lying. I didn't know if I'd ever want to have babies. I just needed her to reason, to use her brain.
"It's obvious that we disagree here." She shook her head, looking upset beyond words, but I couldn't bite my tongue just to make her happy. This was a big deal. "Think about it Travis, because I'll have this baby, with our without you."
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