Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you.

Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you. by pinklipstiiick featuring cut loose tops

I walked out of my bedroom, eyes finding a tired Ben leaving Gabe's room and shutting the door behind him. What seemed like a never ending vacation in paradise had unfortunately come to an end, leaving me with a bitter sweet feeling since while I loved spending all that time with my ex? I knew that being back home and working on all of our old problems would be the best for us. "Is he still asleep?" I asked quietly, frowning since I missed the opportunity to tuck our boy in. It was one of those every day tasks that I'd never get old of... mostly since I was sure in just a few years he'd be tired of it instead. He was growing up too fast and who knew how much longer he'd consider his parents his best friends. 

"He is," Ben nodded and a grin played on his lips. "I'm pretty sure he's even snoring."

"He gets that from you," I grinned back and leaned into him, grabbing his collar before dropping my fingers down to unbutton the first few buttons on his shirt. 

He grabbed one of my wrists and brought it up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss against it with his eyes locked on mine, "What are you doing tomorrow?"

I resisted the urge to pout and smiled instead, "Taking Gabe to school and then stopping by the agency to pick up my schedule. I think I'm flying to New York next month, they want me to be the head artist at the Victoria's Secret fashion show."

"That's great," He replied, fingers running down my wrist as silence fell between us. Being back home was a touchy subject, neither of us knowing how what to do next... or even what we were. How were we supposed to explain it to our son when we weren't even sure?

"Will you stay the night with me?" I asked point blank, seeing his unreadable expression and feeling nervous that he might say no. "We can't have sex obviously, but I want nothing more than to fall asleep in your arms."

He reached for my hips with one hand, pulling me closer as his other hand cupped my cheek to tilt my head up. "How could I ever say no to your offer?" He asked in a light teasing mood as he smiled at me, a look of happiness on his face and making me relax.

I shrugged as I bit down on my lip, my eyes on his, "I don't know, maybe you got tired of me already." 

He bowed his head until his mouth was barely an inch from mine, my heart racing instantly. "Never," He said seriously before parting his lips and capturing mine softly, the kiss innocent even though our bodies were slowly melting together, my hands snaking around his neck and tangling with his hair while his arms caged me tight, my chest pressing against his until there was not even an inch between us. "I was hoping you'd ask," He confessed in a whisper as we broke the kiss, still lips to lips and eyes to eyes.

"Or what? You would've gone away?" I asked and a small smirk curved my mouth.

He shook his head and smirked back at me as he pulled away regretfully, that expression back on his face that made me wish I could read his thoughts. "No, I don't think I could sleep without you," He said simply and reached for my hand, leading me to my bedroom while I realized how many things had changed during the last year. "I would've just laid down and pray you wouldn't have kicked me out." 

"I'd never kick you out," I admitted, watching him push my bedroom door open from the corner of my eye. My eyes were still locked on his, sometimes it felt like I couldn't look away, afraid that he might disappear. We'd been through so much over the past five years, we deserved a break. We deserved to be happy. 

He grinned back and pulled my shirt up slowly while I lifted my arms up in the air to help, "That's good to know."

I kicked the door closed softly with my foot and peeled his shirt off next, running my hands down his hard chest and loving the way it felt. "Are you going to take advantage of that?" I wrapped my arms around his neck as he lifted me up and carried me over to the bed, laying me down in the middle of the bed on my back while his hands inched up my thighs. 

"I'd never take advantage of you," He replied and unbuttoned my zipper, my hips lifting up as he unzipped my jeans next and slid them over my ass and down my thighs. 

A small laugh escaped me as I shook my head, "That wasn't the question."

"I forgot what you asked," He shot me one of those lopsided grins that made my heart race even more, pushing his own jeans down his legs before sliding into bed beside me. 

I nestled my body up to his instantly, letting him cage me up in his arms like he'd been doing for the past weeks. It felt natural, I'd never been so comfortable with anyone in my life. "What are you thinking about right now?" I peeked up at him and bit down on my lip, wishing I could read his mind since I felt so lost sometimes. 

He smiled down at me, using his free hand to brush the hair out of my eyes, "That's a loaded question baby."

"Does it mean you're not going to answer?" I asked in a low voice as my face turned serious.

"I'm going to answer to anything you have to ask," He tilted his head down to kiss my forehead.

"Then do it," I smirked this time, my hand moving up his chest and to his neck to cup it softly as I didn't break eye contact.

"I'm thinking that I like being here with you," He said quietly, his voice serious but not too much. "With our little angel in his room," He went on, moving his hand up and down to caress my skin. "It feels good."

I let out a sigh then smiled, genuinely content with how things currently were, "I agree. What else?"

He laughed lightly before smirking at me, "Isn't it enough?" 

"I was just wondering if there's more," I wrinkled my nose, wanting to hear more... even if it was about absolutely nothing. I just liked listening to Ben speak, having him there with me in my bed. 

"I'm thinking that tomorrow we'll drop Gabe at school, then I'll have to stop at BMM and ask my mom if he can stay over one night of this week," He voiced his thoughts carefully, reminding me of the date he had promised me while we were away. "Once she'll tell me when I'll plan our night out...how does it sound to you?"

"Perfect," I smiled and pressed a soft kiss against his lips before laying my head on his chest. "I can't wait," I added quietly, leaving out the part about how nervous I was. Fooling around while on vacation was one thing... going on an actual date, just us two, while being back home in Paris? It sounded more serious which meant that sooner or later we'd have to have the talk. Not that I wasn't ready for it. I was, but that didn't make it any less nerve-wracking. 

I could feel him peek down at me and then a second later kiss my forehead, tightening his grasp around my shoulder, "Are you excited?"

"To spoil you? Always," I grinned up at him, more than ready to have him inside of me. It'd been way too long, almost five years. Honestly, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about that part too. 

He laughed and my body vibrated against his, my heart speeding up just from the look he gave me. "Won't I be spoiling you instead?"

"No," I shook my head and traced my fingers against his chest, "I'll pay for dinner and at the end of the night, if you play your cards right, I'll be bringing you back home for a nightcap."

He let out another soft laugh, "I don't think so."

I pulled my head back to rest my chin on his chest and look into his eyes, sticking my bottom lip out in a pout, "No? Why? Don't you like my idea?"

"It's not bad." He kept his smirk in place as he tucked a wisp of my dark hair behind my ear, "But you're forgetting I'm a gentleman and I'd never let you pay."

"Right, silly me," I smirked back at him before licking my lips slowly. "What else am I forgetting? It might be a while since the last time I've been with this so called gentleman."

He rested his head against the pillow, glancing at the ceiling as I thought about it, "Let me think."

"Hurry, I'm impatient," I protested and poked his side, making him flinch and chuckling when he did.

"Okay baby," He nodded as he did his best to keep a straight face but failed instead. "I'll pay, that's for sure. No matter what we'll do, I'll pay."

"Careful Mr Lindsell, that's a dangerous thing to say..." I trailed off in a teasing voice, loving how we were acting. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so happy and carefree. Our life was so full of responsibilities and complications that it was a nice change. 

"Monsieur Lindsell," He corrected, making me chuckle softly. "And I don't do nightcap, so we might have a problem. Also, you'll be bringing me back home? Here? Am I not supposed to trick you into take you to my apartment and take advantage of you instead?" 

"Take advantage of me?" I gasped as I faked a shocked expression, inching my body closer and closer to his. "That doesn't sound very gentlemanly..."

Ben grinned up at me as I made my way on top of him, straddling his hard body as I adjusted my hands on his chest. "Oops," He replied and grasped my hips, keeping his lips parted as I lowered my head to kiss him hard. That spark I felt as a kid? It had never gone out. It made me wonder how we could spend so many years kissing other people and feeling nothing because living a numb life? It sounded horrible. 

"You're not sorry," I whispered against his lips, not able to stop kissing him. Sometimes the attraction felt too strong, like we were made for this. 

"Are you trying to take advantage of me now?" He asked between kisses, his hand still on my hip and it felt like fire against my skin. 

I grinned as I dropped my lips down to his neck, "Maybe a little. Should I have bought you dinner first?"

"I wouldn't let you pay," He replied, quiet groans escaping his throat and doing things to my body. "If you keep this up, we won't make it to our date."

"I hate waiting," I said seriously and pulled back to look at him, moving my hands back to his chest and pushing my breasts together in the process. 

He couldn't help moving his eyes down and looking at my chest, my bra so tiny and the lace so see through that you could notice the outline of my piercing. "Tell me about it," He swallowed as he looked back at my face, his body motionless under mine.

I studied his expression then frowned a little, "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing baby," He answered as he lifted his hand to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing against my skin as he smiled at me.

"You're..." I trailed off as if looking for the right word. Okay, I knew the right word obviously, but I felt almost embarrassed to say it out loud right now. "Hard."

At that he laughed, "Yeah I'm well aware of that. It's the effect you have on me."

I bit down on my lip and blushed just a little, "Not what I meant." 

"Then tell me," He smiled at me again, lifting himself into a sitting position to watch me closer as his arms wrapped around my tiny waist.

"Now, that's better," I smiled back at him and looped my arms around his neck as I stared at him in adoration. "I meant, your body was tense all over, almost motionless at the same time.

"Baby, I'm having a hard time holding back," He tried to explain in a soft voice, still caressing me and cuddling me while my heart pounded in my chest. "Really hard," He added as he flashed me a smirk.

"Enough innuendos silly," I chuckled quietly.

His face turned serious again as he crossed his legs indian style to allow my ass to rest between his thighs. "You know what I mean Cami, I'm dying to be inside of you. Dying," He said, sounding like a broken record even if I still wasn't tired of hearing it. I felt the exact same way and liked knowing I wasn't alone in that. He leaned his forehead against mine to bore his eyes into mine, "I'm this close to lose my sanity and I think it's because it's against nature to resist a gorgeous sexy woman like you."

"I wish you'd stop resisting me then..." I trailed off and moved my head an inch to press my lips against his, pulling back after a few seconds and smiling at him. It was crazy how sometimes I'd look at him and see the same boy I fell in love with when we were kids... It was so obvious that I'd never stop loving him, he was the one for me and I almost lost that. 

"Easier said than done," He retorted and glanced down at my lips which were still curved in a smile.

"Can our date be tomorrow?" I joked, only I was half serious. Even tomorrow seemed like an eternity. 

He cracked a grin, "You sound impatient."

"It's been a really long time."

(flashback)

My insecurities were at an all time high. I couldn't keep my eyes off the magazine article that stated Ben was cheating on me with a new up and coming model that the agency had just signed. She was gorgeous of course, BMM was known for only signing the best, but Ben? We had our problems and hadn't had sex in.... well, it had been a long time, but I trusted him. 

"He won't stop crying," His words broke into my thoughts, the fact that I was able to get lost in my thoughts while my son cried constantly, it felt like a feat in itself. "He's probably hungry."

"I just fed him," I said in a daze and tore my eyes from the model in the picture to find my baby propped on his dads hip. My eyes caught the time on the clock behind then, more time had passed than I thought. I felt like I was losing my mind. 

"Okay," He said quietly, leaving me standing there alone not more than another second later. I listened as the crying continued, thinking about how much I loved my son but how much had changed since giving birth. I loved my life, don't get me wrong, but I felt like I was living someone elses life half the time and not my own. 

Breaking free from my daze, I walked into the room where Ben was pacing back and forth trying to get Gabe to stop crying. As hard as I was trying to be a good mother? I felt like in return I'd become the worlds worst girlfriend.... the worst part though? I did nothing to make it better, it was almost like we'd given up our love to sacrifice for our baby and it was breaking my heart more and more as the days went by. The thing was that I knew I still loved Ben, I always would, I just didn't see how he could still be in love with me when I was the one who made him give up his life and dreams. "Give him to me," I said from behind my boys, stretching my arms out when Ben turned around. 

"I can take care of him, you've already been with him all day...go and relax," He said quietly, reminding me that he'd just come back from London where he had been for the past two days for a photoshoot. 

I set my hands on my hips, feeling my eyes narrow in frustration, "I can't relax if he's crying." 

He let out a deep breath and gave up, giving me Gabe who stopped crying the moment his body was against my chest, "What can I do?" 

I glanced down at Gabe who was holding a fistful of my shirt, his way of letting me know that he was hungry. Looking back up at Ben, I parted my lips when his phone started ringing. A shrill cry left Gabe instantly while I struggled not to cry along with him. "Will you please answer that?" I said in a drained tone. realizing what a nagging girlfriend I sounded like. He silenced the call instantly and I got that overwhelming feeling I'd been getting lately. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, why I felt so insecure and on the verge of losing Ben. It was like I never gave him enough credit. "Who was it?"

"Work," He replied and I nodded, that lingering feeling consuming me. He hadn't once given me a reason to worry, but I worried every day. I knew how he was when he was happy, sad, mad, etc. Lately, he wasn't happy and I blamed myself for that which in return was probably only making it worse. 

"How was London?" I asked and looked back up at him after freeing a breast to feed Gabe. He opened his mouth to answer me when the phone started ringing again, this time not even bothering our baby a little since he was finally getting what he wanted. "Really, answer it, I don't mind."

"It's my publicist."

I blinked and tried to bite my tongue, "He's probably calling about all the magazine covers you've made this week."

This time, Ben blinked back at me, "What?"

I shouldn't have said anything. "Nothing," I shook my had slowly. "Forget I said anything." 

 

He turned my phone off and kept staring at me, his face unreadable and making me sad since I used to know everything about him. Silence filled in the room and I broke eye contact once again, looking at our baby instead while I got that sinking feeling in my chest. "What are you talking about Cami?" He asked eventually, sitting next to me and setting his hand on my leg tentatively. It was probably the most he'd touched me in weeks. What had happened between us? We used to not be able to keep our hands off of each other and now a simple move seemed awkward and even then, Ben seemed hesitant. 

"Nothing," I repeated in monotone, not looking at him because I knew if I did I'd cry.

"Baby please, talk to me..." He said quietly, the tone of his voice nearly breaking me since he sounded so sad. When I didn't say a word, he reached for my free hand and squeezed it, "Please Cami."

I finally turned my head, wanting to say a million things to the man I loved and fight for what we used to have... but where would I even start? We'd become different people and my biggest fear was now that he wouldn't love the woman I'd become. "I want to put Gabe to bed before he wakes up again," I said eventually while his eyes traveled down to the sleeping baby in my arms.

He nodded and let go of my hand, dropping his into his lap as he watched me get up to walk to our bedroom. Laying Gabe gently down in his crib, I stared at him and tried catching my breath. I'd been restless for so many nights that now I just felt drained, like I could sleep for a week straight and it wouldn't be enough. My mom kept suggesting postpartum, but I didn't want to believe that it was depression. I wasn't going to blame my sadness on my perfect baby. I needed to catch up on sleep, get back to where me and Ben once were, and then I'd be happy. 

Making my way back into the living room, I watched Ben read the magazine in his hands - the one from earlier. Once again, I tried reading his expression, becoming even more frustrated with myself since I felt like I didn't know him at all. Before Gabe was born, our dreams didn't lie in France. We wanted to travel the world before settling in London... but things changed. He never planned on becoming a model, yet he was great at it. The lifestyle that came with modeling though? Neither of us expected that. "Surprised?" I asked, not knowing what else to say. 

He turned around to look at me, "Do you believe this?"

"Believe it?" I blinked at him before shaking my head, "Of course not. But does it effect me? Yes."

He parted his lips and ran a hand through his hair, tearing his eyes away from mine to look down at the magazine again. The thing was, I couldn't put this on him.... this wasn't the life he had originally wanted or ever dreamed about. Of course it took two to make a baby, but when he suggested becoming a model I should have talked him out of it. "You can't read every single magazine I'm in. Half of it's garbage and it's just going to break us apart," He said in a voice of forced calm. He was right of course, but how could I just stop now? My life was being broadcast to the world along with lies that made me look awful. 

"People pity me because of the things they read in these stupid magazines. I shouldn't read them, I know that, but I can't stop," I replied and took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a second to regain my composure. When I opened my eyes and looked at Ben, I saw the same expression on his face that I'd been seeing for a while. "Are you happy?" I asked point blank, my voice coming out as a whisper because I already knew the answer and it was going to kill me to hear him say it out loud.  

"What?" He blinked back at me, probably wondering if he'd heard me right since we'd become experts at avoiding this topic.

"Are you happy?"

He walked over to where I was standing, looking like he had every intent to break the space between us but stopping short of a couple inches and staring at me instead. "Of course I am," He replied.

"You don't look happy Ben..." I trailed off while managing to blink back the tears. "This isn't the life you wanted for yourself and -"

"This? Do you mean modeling, Cami? I'm doing it for you," He cut me off. "For Gabe... for our family."

"I know that!" My voice chocked and I shook my head, almost positive that I'd lost my mind completely. "I don't even know why I'm so upset right now..."

He watched me closely for a moment, looking as sad as I felt and I thought that maybe, just maybe, we were feeling the exact same thing... going through the same emotions. "Cami I'd do anything for you and Gabe," He said eventually as he stretched his arm tentatively and brushed his thumb against my cheek. "Please don't cry..." 

"I'll get over it," I breathed out in an attempt to pull myself together.

He slid his hand down my neck then behind my nape to pull me closer, "You and our son are my priority number one, you will always be." 

"I know that too Ben, I believe you..." I trailed off and set my hands on his chest, taking a tentative step back. "I can't help feeling like this," I repeated, my words having a different meaning this time. 

He ran his hands through his hair, "I know it's hard-"

"You're never home," I cut him off in a breath, not sure how to go on since the last thing I wanted was for him to hurt any more than he already was. 

"I'm sorry Cami, I wish I could be here for you and Gabe more, but it's the only way I can do my job," He said quietly, really quietly, meaning it though. Raising a child wasn't cheap. Of course we both came from money, but we wanted to do this on our own, no handouts from our family. We were young and constantly trying to prove every one who ever doubted us wrong, only lately it was hard. 

"I know that too. I just miss you..." I trailed off, leaving out what I really meant. Yes I missed Ben, but there was so much more to it. I missed us, I missed how happy we used to be and that feeling of everlasting love. I still felt the love, it was just different now. 

"I'm here," He replied and grabbed my chin to softly tilt it back up in his direction. 

I parted my lips and stared into his blue eyes, so gorgeous no matter how much hurt they held. I hated myself for being the one to do that to him, mostly because he was the first man I ever loved and without any doubt the last too. "I miss the way we used to be," I whispered and swallowed thickly. 

"What are you saying Cami?"

I shrugged because honestly, I didn't know what I was trying to say. I wanted the best for Gabriel, but I wanted Ben to be happy more than anything... and I didn't make him happy. I did once, but we'd both been through so much we weren't the same people anymore. We weren't kids anymore. "I miss how happy we used to be... How we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. I miss feeling wanted. I feel liked I've stopped trying, like I've just given up and I can't even remember the last time we had sex," I closed my eyes and took another breath, wishing I could just disappear in that moment. When I opened my eyes, Ben was still staring at me and I felt more tears rolling down my cheeks, "What happened to us?" 

He swallowed and just took me in his arms, pressing my body hard against him while I sobbed quietly against his chest. "We had to grow up," He managed to say in a voice that didn't even sound like his own. I could hear him breaking. 

I nodded, still hiding my face from him as I wrapped my arms around his waist loosely, letting him hold me. "Do you ever regret it?" I asked in a small voice, afraid to hear his answer. 

"Regret...what?" He asked slowly as he lifted my chin gently, needing the eye contact. 

"Us, Gabe..." I said in a barely audible tone, my eyes still fogged by warm tears. I hated doubting myself, doubting us, but I felt so unstable. 

"Never," He said quickly and certain. "The timing wasn't ideal, we were too young to have a baby...but we do now. We have a perfect little boy and I'd never regret our choice to keep him," He explained even though it felt as if everything was slipping through our fingers instead. 

I managed a small smile and nodded my head, hiding my face once more since the tears seemed to keep falling. I hated that Ben was seeing me like this, probably blaming himself for my breakdown since he was that good of a man - always taking the blame when he wasn't in the wrong. I loved him, I loved everything about him and so much that it made my heart ache. "Are you happy though?" I asked again, whispering the question and then pulling my head back to find his eyes. I saw pain in them, pain and exhaustion. His answer showed in his expression, but I knew that I'd never hear him say the words out loud. I nodded my head before he even had the chance to speak, setting my fingertips on his lips softly and forcing another weak smile, "No matter what happens between us, I'm always going to love you."

He reached for my hand and I wondered if he could hear my heart pounding in my chest, "What are you trying to say Cami?"

I shrugged my shoulders lightly while running my tongue across my top lip which had become instantly dry. "I don't make you happy anymore and I don't know what to do... I feel so lost," I admitted, struggling not to start sobbing uncontrollably. "I feel like I can't do anything right." 

He parted his lips then closed them. Then parted them again and closed them again while I froze with anxiety of what he might say. It took him a few seconds to put his thoughts into words, "Cami you do everything right instead." He cupped my face in his hands to look into my eyes, "It's hard to grow up as fast as we had to and take care of a baby."

"Still," I cut him off with a small shrug, listening but still being stubborn. I blamed myself for what had happened to us.. not getting pregnant, that took both of us of course, but what happened after the pregnancy. I'd put on weight, got tired, lost motivation, maybe Ben lost interest in me sexually. 

"Still nothing," He shook his head, determination in his tired expression. "You're the perfect mom, you're giving to our son everything he could ever need, you always put him before yourself and give him so much love..." He trailed off as he studied my face closely, a ghost of a smile appearing on my lips but didn't last more than a couple of seconds, so he went on, "And you finished school, even if you were pregnant. Now you're thinking about starting working and I know you can do it baby, you can do everything because you're amazing."

I bit down hard on my bottom lip, his words making me feel better except that he'd left out a major part; us. I was too emotional and upset to think things straight, "But what about us Ben?" 

He swallowed, "We can't take care of everything baby, we already have so much on our plate...it's hard." He paused, needing to take a breath because this all seemed like a dream, like a nightmare.  "Maybe right now it'd be better for us to focus on us as parents, more than as a couple."