you may be all i need

I looked up as I heard someone at the door, running my hand through my hair and slipping on a cardigan over my tank.

"Jax?" Great. I looked like shit and the one person I didn’t want to see me not at my best was at my door.  

"Lila told me you couldn't come to the game because you didn't feel well..." he trailed off, scratching the back of his neck, "I wanted to know if you were okay, if you needed something." I felt myself break into a grin because that was super sweet.

"I'm fine. I just have a headache." I answered quietly.

"That's not too bad." He reached out and pushed a strand of hair out of my face, sending a shiver through my body. "Did you take meds?"

"I'm fine really."

"Are you contagious?" he grinned but didn’t wait for an answer before leaning down to press a soft kiss against my lips.  

"It's just a migrane." I said softly, almost leaning into him.

"Who's taking care of you?" He asked, running his thumb across my lower lip and making me lean in further, hoping for another kiss because they were better than my pain killers.

"I'm a big girl Jax I can take care of myself. Will texted that the team won." Jax nodded.

"They did." He agreed. "Can I come in? I have soup." I licked my lips and nodded as my stomach growled and Jax laughed. "I'm right on time it seems." I blushed and he looked around at my place, the curtains drawn and all the lights were off.

"I'm sensitive to light when I get my headaches." I admitted. Jax winced and reached for me, pulling me into his arms.

"I'm sorry." he kissed my forehead then my eyelids and I moaned, when was the last time anyone took care of me like this? I was pretty independant, I had to be for my son. Jax tilted my head up, cradling my face in his hands and I felt too tired to fight how much I wanted him there.

"My meds make me a little woozy." I admitted, feeling flushed but I wasn't sure if that was just him.

"Where's your bedroom?" I nodded down the hall and Jax scooped me up in his arms easily.

"It's only a few feet I could have walked." He shook his head.

"Nope." He set me down in the middle of my bed and wrapped me up in all my covers. "Rest while I heat up your soup.

"I can help, you don't know where anything is." I interjected.

"You are really awful at letting someone take care of you." He laughed. "I can find my way around." I sighed and let my eyes close, feeling better already.

"Thanks." I cuddled against my cardigan and paced as I went through my house in my head, hoping it wasn’t too messy. I wasn’t exactly a clean freak, and having a kid made it worse, but I wasn’t a slob either. Why I thought having a tidy kitchen would impress Jax I wasn’t sure. Ugh this was making my head hurt more.

"Sit beautiful girl." I heard his voice and I turned as I leaned back against my headboard.

"I doubt I look beautiful right now." I grinned as I grabbed the bowl of soup he offered. "It seems good. Did you make it?"

"You're beautiful instead." He said first, sitting down next to me and dropping his hand on my knee. And no, I didn't. But I could and it'd be even better." I took a spoonful swallowed before I spoke again.

"Can you cook?"

"My mother insisted to teach me how to make broth for when I'm sick." He paused, making a face, "It was either that or she'd come over every time I don't feel good." I laughed at that.

"Aren't you going to the infamous Sunday dinner tonight?" Jax just shrugged.

"I told my mom I'd be late or I wouldn't go at all." I wasn’t sure what that meant, but part of me wanted him here with me.

"You don't have to skip that to stay here." I paused from eating, leaning my head against the headboard of the bed and looking back at him. “I can stay alone, I always have.”

"I know I don't have to." he squeezed my knee gently, "But I want to stay. And I know you're independent and you can take care of yourself too, but isn't it nice having someone else to do that?"

"It's nice to have eye candy." I smirked and Jax laughed as he placed a cool towel on my forehead.

"You're being silly."

"I'm having dirty doctor fantasies, I'd hardly call that silly." Jax rose his brows.

"You'll have to tell me about those." I shook my head.

"Nope." I grinned, feeling silly but happy with the mix of Jax and my meds. "This is good." I said, having some more soup.

"Good."

"Wont your family miss you?" Jax shrugged.

"My family sees me all the time, I don't get to see you." I flashed him a smile.

"You saw me once already this week." I pointed out, biting my lip for how good that had been. He made me crazy and I was half terrified, half excited about the woman I became when I was with him.

"Not enough."

"Thank you." I said softly, setting down the empty soup bowl and pulling him into my bed next to me.

"What are you doing?" I nuzzled into him.

"Making up for when I didn't cuddle you last time." Jax didn't say anything, but grabbed my waist and pulled me closer. I set my head on his chest and tangled my legs with his, just enjoying the feel of him. He was the only man who'd even been with me in this bed, I'd thrown the one I shared with Nick away. I'd forgotten how nice it was to just be held. "You smell good." I admitted.

"So do you." His hand ran up and down my body gently and I sighed at how good it felt.

"It’s the room, I lit lavender candles." Jax leaned down and placed a kiss against my neck before lingering there.

"No, it's you." I giggled as he nuzzled my skin.

"It tickles." Jax pulled back, an amused look on his face.

"You want to kill me with your cuteness." He pointed out, his grin getting even bigger and if I was being honest that made him cute. But I was pretty sure he’d appreciate hearing that as much as I did.

"I thought I was sexy instead."

"You're always sexy." he said seriously.

"Even sick in my pjs?" I paused, "I don't think so."

"I think so instead." He retorted and cupped my face gently, kissing my lips softly and sending a shiver through my whole body. "Are you cold?"

"Maybe a little." I lied, feeling my face blush from him catching the effect he had on me. He pulled off his sweater, wrapping it around my body  

"That will help."

"Thank you. But you're helping too." I said with probably the silliest grin ever. Jax laid back next to me, pulling my covers over us and tucking me under his arm, pulling me against him as our legs tangled together. God cuddling was awesome.

"I can't even remember the last time I spent time in bed with a girl without doing anything." He confessed.

"You don't want to fool around?" I asked, shooting him a surprised face.

"You're sick." He laughed.

"I have a headache. Did you know orgasms are natural pain killers?" Jackson laughed.

"I know now. How about you sleep a little and if you still want painkillers when you wake up I'll work some magic." I grinned, since it literally was magic when he touched me. I nodded and then jumped when my phone rang.

"You don't have to-"

'I'm a mother Jax I always answer the phone. Hello?"

"Mom is it okay if I stay over at Robs? They have a projector screen to play video games and watch movies!!!" I smiled at the sound of my son's excited voice.

"It's Sunday Will, you have school tomorrow."

"No we don't its teacher rest day before finals! We'll study together and everything please?!" I sighed, I knew I should stand my ground, but Will had good grades and didn't get into trouble at school or at home so what he was asking wasn't that bad. "Let me talk to his mom." I said as he got off the phone and I could hear him as he passed it off. "That means yes!!!" I set down the details with Jackson's sister in law and then hung up to turn back to him.

"Looks like I'm all alone tonight." I said before adjusting against his body again.

"Do you sleep alone often?" he asked eventually, looking as if he was trying to walk on eggshells around me or something. I grinned up at him.

"Every night."

"What a smartass. You are Lila's sister after all."

"Is it bad?" I asked, faking a frown that didn't last long. "No I don't. Except for the occasional nights when Will stays over at Rob's."

"And do you like when that happens?" he went on and I shook my head.

"No, I miss having Will around." I answered, this time more seriously.

"It makes sense." he commented quietly as he leaned his head back on the pillow we were sharing, even though I had three more on the bed. I propped myself up on one elbow and set my cheek on my hand as I grinned down at him.

"I bet you're never alone at night."

"I hope you wouldn't really bet because you'd lose." He smirked at me. "I like my bed too much to share it."

"Is it comfortable?" I teased and he nodded. "Is mine too?" Jax reached out to push the same strand of hair that never stayed up behind my ear.

"I think so, but I might have to spend the night here to be sure about that..." he trailed off slowly.

"Not if you're a bed hog." I laughed and his eyes might actually have sparkled with amusement. Seriously.

"I'll share I promise." I hummed a little as I slid my hands up his chest to wrap around his neck.

"I'm not sure what we're doing Jax." I admitted. "But I don't want to stop." I felt open and vulnerable. I think we both knew that us together, although amazing, was a little unrealistic. But right now, wrapped in his arms? I didn't care.

"Baby..." He nuzzled my neck and held me tighter and I reveled in even the small things like the pet name. Nick had always just called me Colbie, or Mom, and although I understood that was for Will's sake? It wasn't exactly romantic. Ugh Damn it. "What?" Jax pulled back to look into my face with worry and I realized I'd cursed out loud.

"Oh." I felt my face flush. "I um." I shook my head. "It's nothing."

"Tell me." The command in his voice rarely came out but when it did? It was hard to ignore and I took a deep breath before speaking.

"I keep comparing you to Nick." I admitted. "Even when things are awesome, I'm thinking about him and that feels....unfair."

"Nick was your ex-husband?" I nodded. "What do you mean comparing?" I let out a long sigh and shrugged.

"Like just now you called me baby and I thought how precious that made me feel. Nick never used pet names."

"So you're comparing me and I'm coming out better." Jax grinned, though his eyes were still serious.

"Everytime." I agreed. "But...It's making me question why I let myself fall for him at all, or if I even did, what if the only reason I was with Nick was because of Will....and if that was the reason then am I just as bad of an example to him as Nick? Nick ran away from us and sure he cheated on me but if we weren't meant to be together anyways I'm showing Will its okay to settle if it makes life easy?" I took a breath and I realized I was rambling. "Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you all this."

He looked down at me and smiled as he pressed me harder against him.

"I like hearing you talk." He commented quietly.

"Isn't it boring you? I'm talking about my son and my messy past..." I trailed off, hating myself a little for opening up this much but something about him made me want to tell him everything. 

"It only means I'm getting to know you and it's exactly what I want." he smirked and I felt myself soften a little. "And if you want my opinion? I think you're a great example for your son."

"You don't really know me Jax...you said that yourself."

"I don't, but I see your son at the game every weekend and I also see him a lot at my brother's place." he started, knowing how to prove a point, "He's a good kid, he's well mannered, he's good at school too-"

"How do you know that?!"

"Travis doesn't let them play if their grades aren't good." He grinned back at me and I nodded. That made sense.

"So I do know you're doing a great job with him? And for the settling for something that makes your life easy? I'm no father but I doubt that keeping a baby when you're with a dick makes things that easy."

I just looked at Jax in surprise before laughing.
"God he was a dic.k. He was such a dic.k." I shook my head.
"He was." Jax agreed seriously. "Lila says so all the time." I laughed again since my family rarely talked about Nick with me around. The big mistake I made.
"I try to keep him idealized so Will won't hate his father but god I kind of hate him." I admitted, widened my eyes and put my hands over my head. "Oh my god I can't believe I said that out loud I've never said it." Jax laughed and pulled my hands away.
"I think you're allowed to hate a man who cheated on and then abandonded you." He pointed out. I sighed.
"Yeah...." I nodded, hearing it like that made him sound awful, when sometimes I wondered what I did wrong instead.
"You aren't the one to blame for your marriage falling apart Colbie." He said, reading my mind.
"I just don't understand why he begged me to marry him if he didn't love me. If he wanted other women...I didn't get pregnant to trap him."
"Of course you didn't. And as for wanting other women? I honestly don't know what was wrong with him." I scoffed.
"You've never seen his secretary. She looks like a playboy bunny."

"That's not a valid excuse." he pointed out as he stared at the ceiling.

"You would like her too." I said back matter of factly. He turned to look at me with a grin.

“I don't think you know me enough to know what my type is." He teased me.

"What's your type Jax?" I asked playing into his silly game. .

"You." I rolled my eyes which apparently got me kisses when it came to Jax. "Marriage is a serious thing Colbie and I believe in that. If you're married you have to honor the promise you make."

"I might have a heart attack, I can't believe I just heard a man saying that he believes in marriage." Jax laughed and poked me.

"I grew up with two parents crazy in love, my older brother and his wife are inseparable...I don't see why I wouldn't have to want that." he explained. I moved my hands up his stomach slowly, wanting to touch him as much as he was touching me.

"Why aren't you married Jax?" I asked.

"I haven't found a good girl to marry." I laughed at him and he turned to me with a weird look on his face.

"Oh you weren't joking?" I asked trying to hide my giggles.

"Um. No." he said seriously. I sobered and turned to look at him.

"But come on Jax you don't look for girls that are marriage material." He blinked back at me. "I mean the girl at the club was hot but she's not someone you bring home to your mother, and from what I've heard she's the best of your girls."

"Why do you do that? Why do you think I'm some as.shole who sleeps with whatever walks up to me?" He asked, pulling away from me.

"I don't think you're an as.shole." I replied. "I just think you're more afraid of commitment than you like to admit. There are plenty of good girls out there and you are an incredible guy. If you had wanted to settle down? You would have done it already." I shrugged.

"You really don't take shi.t from anyone do you?" He chuckled.

"I have 5 brothers. Of course I don't."

"I don't like the way you think about me." He admitted. I reached out and pulled him closer to me. He didn't pull back, if anything he held me tighter than before. I loved being in his arms.

"I think you're amazing Jackson." I whispered softly as I set my head against his chest.

"You think I'm a pig." I shook my head.

"Nah, I think you're a guy." I looked up to Jax. "My brothers are just like you. Some of them are worse because they're celebrities." I sighed. "But they're still my favorite people in the world. And you're making your way up on that list pretty fast."

"The list of your favorite people in the world?" Jax grinned. "Wow." I nodded.

"I know, see? I think of you just fine." Jackson grabbed my waist and suddenly I was on my back, his body hovering over mine.

"You are the kind of girl who men bring home to meet their mother." He said in a low voice. I nodded and licked my lips.

"Yes I know." I said in a monotone. "Which also makes me the girl you cheat on because I'm not the kind of girl you want just for fucking." Jax took a second to think and I couldn’t read him at all which was weird because usually his emotions were pretty readable. Then? He kissed me, hard until he felt me melt against his hard body.

"I don't want you just for fucking." He said once he broke the kiss, "But I wouldn't cheat on you either."

"But we're not together." I pointed out.

"If we were, I wouldn't cheat on you." he said seriously, "I can't even think about seeing another girl right now."

"Let's see how long it lasts." I scoffed and he kissed me again, cutting me off in the best way. "Are you tired of hearing me talk?" I muttered against his lips.

"I'm going to kiss you every time you say something I don't like.” He said back. "And no offense gorgeous, you don't know me enough to judge how I behave with girls, you don't know me enough to know really how different I am with me, but it's okay because I like you."

"Do you know me enough to like me?" I asked back with a brow raised.

"Do you know me enough to know if I like you or not?" he retorted, using the same tactic but before I could argue, he’d kissed me. Again. I loved it. "You should come to my parents dinner on the 26th."

"The day after Christmas?"

"It will be fun. We always end up playing games...my brothers will be there, Lila too. And I wouldn't be surprised if Rob had invited Will already."

"That would be lovely." I nodded.

"Yeah?" his whole face lit up at my words and I laughed. Damn he was so good looking, especially when he was smiling like that.

"Did you think I'd say no? I love your mom's cooking, Will has fun and I don't know if you know this but there are a lot of hot guys in your family." I tried to keep a straight face but Jax glared at me.

"Seriously Colbie?" I laughed and nodded.

"Actually yes, seriously." I admitted. Jax shook his head and I grabbed his tee to pull him closer to me. "You're my favorite." I whispered before kissing him hard, sliding my tongue into his mouth and moaning against his lips. Jax groaned and gripped my hips, pulling me against him.

"Who is?" He asked, his lips still pressed to mine.

"You." I whispered, kissing him again.

"That's right." He kissed me back, then pulled away to kiss my nose and my forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"All better, now I'm spoiled though." Jax raised a brow at me.

"What?"

"I'm going to want cuddles and kisses every time I get a headache from now on." I teased him, though honestly? I could get used to this, it was nice to have someone take care of you even when you were as independant as I was.

"I don't live far." He nuzzled my neck and I sighed.

"Jackson?" I whispered, swallowing as my relaxed state allowed me to be a little vulnerable.

"Mmm?" he asked pulling back and pushing my hair out of my face.

"Don't leave." He brushed his nose against mine.

“I'm not going anywhere." he said simply and smiled softly, looking so gorgeous I could barely breathe.

"I don't want to sleep alone tonight." I added. It had been over a year since I’d actually slept with someone.

"I'm sleeping with you." He said seriously. "Not for tonight only I hope." he added and I blinked back at him. It was one thing to spend the night when Will was gone and I wasn’t feeling great…but I couldn’t get used to it. I couldn’t or I’d miss it too much when it was gone.

"I don't know..." I trailed off.

"We'll see." He smiled. "I promise I'll make no plans at all. I won't push you, I won't ask for too much...but you have to promise me that you know that if you want me to do something, anything, you just have to ask me and I'll say yes."

"You say that now, just because you know you'll end up inside of me by the end of the night." I teased, trying to make the moment lighter because it felt heavy for some reason.

"I'd be more than happy even if I didn't." he shrugged nonchalantly, refusing to give up, "I mean it and I'll prove it to you."

“I don't understand why you're so stubborn about me." I said eventually. Jax rolled to his side, keeping me against him and kissing behind my ear.

"I'd tell you, but you don't know how to take compliments." He teased.

"Depends on the compliment." I replied, turning in his arms until I could climb into his lap.

"Does it?" Jax moved his hands up my thighs, brushing his thumbs against my skin but not moving towards my as.s like I wanted.

"Yes." I nodded and grabbed his tee shirt, pushing it up his stomach slowly as I kissed my way up his body.

"Colbie." His hands moved to my hair until I had pushed his shirt all the way up and he lifted his arms so I could strip it from his body. I loved feeling his skin, it was hot and hard and delicious.

"Like if you were to tell me I'm a great kisser? I'd say great was probably an understatement." I grinned and leaned in to kiss him with everything I had.

"I'd agree with you." He groaned against my mouth as his hands fisted in my hair.

"Okay, so this isn't a one night stand or a fling right?" Jax shook his head.

"No." I nodded, I hadn't wanted a relationship because I didn't think he had, but I could admit that I needed him in a way I couldn't explain and I didn't want to say goodbye just yet.

"Will you be my teacher?" I asked. Jax blinked at me.

"I'm pretty sure you're the smarter one between the two of us." I laughed.

"I mean about this." I grinded my hips into his lap. "I'm bad at dating and flirting and let's be honest at best I'm vanilla in bed. I only had one boyfriend before I got married and I'm no good at this. You are excellent instead." And if I was ever going to actually keep a man? I'd need to be better than I was now. I added in my head.

"You're not vanilla." He groaned.

"I mean I'm not a prude, sure. I know the basic girl on top, guy on top, but that's pretty much it." I shrugged. Jax grabbed my hips and pulled me beneath of him so our positions were switched.

"You're pissing me off Colbie." Jax said, his face hard.

"Am I? It's kind of hot." I admitted, noticing how he'd pinned my wrists with his big hands. "I've never been held down like this before. I want to learn everything." He just glared at me but I watched as his eyes took in by body, my breathing.

"Do you know what's a turn off instead?" he asked, his face hard and serious which wasn’t normal for him.

"Nope. Tell me."

"When a girl asks me to teach her about sex only to use it with another man who's not me." he started, staring down at me and not moving, not letting go of my wrists either. "When you piss me off and think it's hot. If you think that's the right way to handle me, you're wrong Colbie. I'm okay with you trying to push me away because you can't admit out loud that you're liking whatever it's going on between us as much as I am, but I'm not okay with you doubting me or how I am with you."

"Jackson, I-" I blinked, not meaning to actually make him angry, instead I was just trying to have fun without losing my mind and my heart.

"I'm not done." He cut me off. "Do you want me to treat you like the other girls? Do you want to be fucked knowing it's the last time?" he paused as he pressed his erection between my legs, making me moan. "Do you want me to use no gentleness and treat you like you're nothing but just a hot body I'll get tired of after a couple hours?" He’d never spoken to me like this, so raw and serious. It was totally out of character but I suspect I deserved it.

"I...I don't. I do. I mean, I want you to give me everything...not for the last time." His eyes softened and he lowered himself so every inch of him was pressed against me. God that felt so good.

"I can give it to you, only if you promise you'll let me. And I'm not talking about sex only."

"I don't want to use it with another man." I said seriously, not adding that what I really wanted, what I'd never admit to wanting was to keep the man I had now. But I didn't trust him. And not not because he gave me a reason not to but because I didn't think I really trusted anyone except for a handful of people.

"No? Then why does it matter to you to be some kind of sex goddess?" I swallowed thickly, licking my lips as I realized how he had taken my request, probably how I had wanted him to take it. I was hard to get close to but that wasn't my fault, I had to be careful, it wasn't just my heart on the line when it came to a man, there was my sons too. Keeping things superficial with Jax was my way of not letting him get too close.

"Because I want to experience everything with YOU." I admitted, pushing the words out because even they seemed to much to give. Jax looked both softer and harder as he took in my words.

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid of the day when you'll tire of me." Jax groaned and leaned his head into my neck, his scent overwhelming me, everything about him overwhelming my senses. "And because I'm addicted to being with you." I whispered softly, almost thinking it but hearing it come out in the air and hang heavy between us.

"I'm not going anywhere Colbie. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week or next month. I am here. With you. When you need me."

"How can you say that?" I choked on my words. "How can you know someone better wont come along tomorrow? Someone, perfect for you, without a child she needs to think of first every time? I wouldn't even blame you if it happened...."

"That can go both ways. A man could come along much more suited for you than me, that doesn't make me want to leave you just because the possibility of losing you is there." Hearing him say it back to me made me realize how ridiculous I was being. Fu.ck I was trying not to be a crazy girl with him and I was afraid it was making me even crazier. How he'd stayed this long was a miracle.

"I'm scared because I've never felt this way about a man. I've never wanted to tell someone, everything about me and everything I think and feel. I was married and I'm terrified of how much more I feel about a man I'm not even technically with. And that's not even talking about the sex which is so incredible I'm afraid you'll turn me into an addict. Even now when we're fighting I can feel...energy between us." 

"That's not even fighting really." he said and a small smile played on his lips which made me feel better already "You're telling me what you think and I'm telling you what I think too."

"Isn't that what adults do?" I said back with a chuckle. Jax nodded and let go of my wrists to wrap his arms around me instead.

"I don't want you to be scared...I get that all you told me can be pretty terrifying-"

"Doesn't it scare you too?" I cut him off before he could finish, tilting my head back to look at him.

"It could but honestly?" he explained, shrugging my shoulders, "I'm more interested in the good parts of this. Why should we start worrying even before we actually have something to worry about?"

"Because you could spend your time with a more simple woman." I said bluntly, giving him a serious look.

"Simple is not my thing. And I don't care, I like you and I want you." Silence fell into the room for a moment as I processed everything. "Do you want to be with me?" Jax asked suddenly, blinking at me.

"Is that really a question? Are we in high school?" I asked back with a smirk.

"You said you're terrified of how you feel about someone you're not even technically with."

"Jax, we went on one date...officially. We don't know each other that well." I pointed out, being the reasoning one.

"I know, but if we didn't go on more dates because I didn't ask." He agreed. "If I could I'd take you out every night."

"Will is going to spend a few days with his uncle during the holidays..." I trailed off slowly and he pulled me closer, cupping my cheek.

"Let me use those days to prove you that I meant all I've said so far." He suggested.

"Yes." I felt my stomach flip and my heart speed up as Jax kissed me and I felt like I was 16 all over again.

"I'm addicted to you too." He whispered against my mouth, arching his hips against mine again.

"Please..." I grabbed onto his as.s to pull him closer and he groaned.

"Please what?" He shot me a cocky grin and I licked my lips and ground upwards against him instead of answering. He chuckled and grabbed my hips, pinning them down on the bed. "Here's your first lesson. I like it when you tell me what you want. With your words." I blushed and bit down on my lip.

"Should I be specific?" I asked as he pushed my top off my body. He nodded.

"Very." I grinned wider up at him.

"You might have to help me, do you prefer di.ck or c.ock?" Jax widened his eyes and then groaned.

"Fuck. Either." He leaned in and kissed me hard as I pushed down his jeans.

"I haven't even said anything yet." I laughed against his lips.

"You're a fast learner." I rolled on top of him and pulled off my bra, tossing it off the bed.

"You have no idea."