all of me loves all of you

I dragged myself to Lila's house, looking at the windows and trying to get a hint if she could be up already. It was 5 in the morning and I knew she usually pained at that time, only lately I wasn't sure if she was still. It was all my fault. Once again, I had ruined someone, but this time it was different...I couldn't let go. I had tried for weeks now, avoiding the pain, fighting it, getting mad, getting drunk, spending my nights up thinking about her and all I had done wrong. It got to the point it was unbearable and I had realized it wasn't going to go away.
I knocked on her door softly, feeling like s.hit for more reasons than one and waiting not so patiently. When the wood creaked and she appeared, she was wearing a huge sweaters and a pair of leggings, her face so pale she looked like a ghost, and her eyes so red I could tell she hadn't been sleeping much lately. I could tell she had been crying. It broke me all over again. I parted my lips and the door closed before I could make a sound. I deserved that. "Lila please. Let me in." I said quietly, because I hadn't considered the option of her not wanting to talk to me. The thought alone made me panic a little. "Please, open the door." I added, tempted to punch it open myself.
She did a moment later, looking at me with big eyes. "What do you want Trav? Why are you even here?" She asked, her voice weak and low.
"I just want to talk." I said, swallowing.
"I...I'm not in the mood right now." She said back quietly, something about her making her seem...off? As if she was a zombie. I couldn't stand the sight of what I had done to the beautiful girl I had met months before.
I swallowed, determined not to take no as answer, because I never did. "I'll do all the talking, you just have to listen to me...okay?"
"Okay." She agreed eventually and turned away. I closed the door behind me, following her into her livingroom as I collected my thoughts. I honestly didn't know what I could tell to make things right, but I was going to try hard. She slumped on the couch, looking at me with no emotion in her eyes, "I'm listening."
I sat next to her, wanting to touch her, not daring to though. "I'm sorry Lil." I breathed out, running a hand through my hair.
She leaned her head back against the cushion, keeping her eyes on me, "For what?"
"Everything." I said seriously, "But mostly I'm sorry if I hurt you. I know I've been awful to you and you saw me at my worst and I didn't want to happen either." I paused, trying to gauge her reaction. She kept quiet and it killed me. I had experienced different sides of Lila, but this one? She had never given me the silent treatment, I guessed I deserved it. So I went on, wanting to fill the silence surrounding us. "When you left me...you broke me. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend and I probably never will, I'm not that great of a man either, considering how I treated you. I was 100% with though, I wanted to be with you and I still want to be. I want you back with me, for real."
Lila kept quiet, her face showing nothing. Nothing at all.
"Lil....say someting." I urged, not able to stand that.
"I thought I only had to listen." She replied, her voice sounding so hollow and also as if she didn't believe me. I was starting to worry that it was too late, that there was no way back to us.
"I just need you to-" I paused as I blinked behind her, a painting getting my attention. It was me, looking pained. It was beautiful but terrifying too, it was so powerful. "Lila." I choked out, walking up to it and studying it better, noticing how much darker than her usual works it was.
"I didn't mean to." She said softly, following me and looking at it with mixed emotions on her gorgeous face. At least she was feeling something.
"God." I shook my head as I tore my gaze away from it and turned to her. "You must still feel something for me."
"Still feel something?" She asked, her eyes widening. "I feel everything."
"Then please...." I begged, sounding desperate but if that was what it took to get her back? I'd get on my knees and beg.
"Sure." She nodded, looking weird again. As if she wasn't there.
"Sure?" I blinked at her, that was being too easy.
"Yeah. Sure, let's get back together."
I came closer and cupped her face, searching her eyes while I wondered what the fuck I had done to her. "What's wrong? You're so off."
She swallowed. "I don't think you're real." She admitted, a tear falling down her cheek. "I'll wake up soon and be empty all over again."
I shook my head as my chest tighened. "No. You won't." I leaned in but she pulled back at the last second.
"Did you sleep with Karlie?" She asked, folding her arms over her chest and getting defensive. Now, that was the Lila I knew.
I shook my head, getting ready for the part where we'd end up fighting. "No, I didn't." I said simply but refused to take a step back.
"Did-did you go to her?" She went on, slowly, her words coming out of her mouth in weak breaths.
"I did." I nodded, not wanting to lie and all I could do was wish that all my mistakes wouldn't cost me too much. Wouldn't cost me her. Not even with Karlie I had experienced this, I had never bent for anyone, for Lila instead I was breaking. "We kissed. Once." I said quietly, feeling as if that was the quiet before the storm. And it was.
"Oh god, I knew it!" She exploded, her voice back to normal as she took a few steps back, shaking her head, "I knew you were here for a reason, that it couldn't be that easy." She turned away, refusing to look at me and literally running away from me.
I grabbed her, pushing her back against my chest as I caged her in my arms. "It's never going to be easy between us." I said against her ear, trying to keep her close no matter how hard she was fighting me.
"There's no us anymore Travis." She said as her voice broke again, I couldn't tell if she was more angry or sad, but I could tell she really wanted me away. I could sense it and not just because she was trying to push me away phisically.
"I'm sorry Lila, I'm so sorry." I hurried, not knowing how to make up for what I had done. Technically? We weren't together and it was only a kiss, but if roles were reversed? I would've made the b.astard swallow her teeth. No matter how much Lil had hurt me by leaving me, and how much that had scared me, I had to be with her. There was no other choice really. "I was so mad-"
"I am mad now Travis, why did you even come here? To rub that in my face? Just to prove me once again that it's her that you want?" She retorted, her tone taking a note I didn't like.
"It's you that I want!" I shouted in her face, annoyed that she could still think that as I turned her in my arms, grabbing her thigh by her arms and forcing her to stay here. "Listen to me Lila." I paused, keeping my voice in check this time as I bore my eyes into hers, "I'm in love with you, can't you see that?" I breathed out, wearing no masks this time and showing her all of me.
For a few moments all that was heard was both of our breaths even though I wasn't sure if I was breathing. Seconds seemed to stretch into minutes, minutes into hours, and I felt as if she was making me wait forever.
"Travis." Lila said in a shaky breath once she found her voice. "You were so mad at me at Jax's"
"I know." I nodded, not sure if mad was enough to describe my anger. "It was easier to be mad."
"Yeah. It was." She agreed as she looked down at the floor.
"I've never felt like this before Lila." I admitted, meaning it.
She slowly looked up and then she was gluing herself against me, sliding her hands up my chest and holding me tight. A groan left my chest and I hugged her so tight. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry I left." She hid in my chest.
"Why did you do it? You knew how I felt about you." I said quietly, my arms still squeezing her against my body, almost too tight but I didn't care.
"I don't even know anymore. I hate being jealous, I hate it." She shook her head against my chest. "I hate her and I don't even know her and I've never been that kind of girl."
"I'm sorry. I don't want that....you're my girl Lil, no one else."
She nodded. "No one else." She agreed.
I kept her against me, letting out a deep breath and feeling relieved. She was mine again. Kissing the top of her head, I inhaled her sweet scent as I dipped my nose into her hair, "I didn't mean all the awful things I said the other night. I never wanted you to see that side of me Lil." I admitted, wanting her to know that and also wanting to take my responsibilities, I wanted to apologize and make things clear or we wouldn't last this time again.
"I don't hold grudges." She said, her voice muffled against my clothes as her hands clutched at my sides.
I lifted her off the floor, holding her tight as I carried her to the couch where I took a seat and adjusted her on my lap. "It's important for me that you say everything to me, I don't want you to bite your tongue now and use things against me in the future." I said quietly as I let her cuddle against me, my chest expanding under her little weight while I get full of the feeling of having her in my arms again. I felt so much better now, as if the world was spinning again.
She tilted her head back, looking at me, "I'm tired Trav." She whispered, "These weeks without you have been exhausting."
I cupped her cheek gently and kissed her lips softly, "I'll take care of you." I promised while I mentally promised to myself I'd try to be better, this time for real.
Lila leaned into me. "I believe you." She whispered, finally willing to give a chance both to my words and me. "I want to take care of you too." She whispered as she looked into my eyes.
"Lil." I kissed her again, this time harder, molding her body against mine.
She sank into my kiss the way she always did, but this was different, it was as if there wasn't even an inch of her holding back anymore. "I won't leave again Trav." She whispered against my lips.
"I won't let you." I countered, pushing her hair back as I tilted her face to look at me. "I should have fought for you harder."
"I shouldn't have let jealousy get in the way of what I knew we had." She sighed. "I don't want you to be different, but I do want us to be different."
"Better." I agreed. She sighed and kissed me again. "There's nothing to be jealous of." I said seriously hoping that this time she'd believe me.
"If you were less like an adonis it might be easier." She laughed.
I quirked a brow at her. "Adonis? Ha." I shook my head.
"You're right, you're better."
I held her tighter and nuzzled her lightly. "But you're my girl."
"Always." She agreed.
I kissed her forehead, then her lips, letting her cuddle against me, "My girl looks sleepy." I pointed out softly, wedging my body between the cushions of the couch and her own body as I made sure to hold her against me and wrapped my arm around her tiny waist.
"I am but I don't want to sleep now that I just got you back." She whispered as she used her fingertips to trace my jaw, looking at me with adoration. "What time is it?"
"I have no idea but I guess about six?" I said slowly, not caring much about that and brushing the tip of my nose against hers.
She smiled a sweet smile, killing me because I didn't know how I was going to keep a girl like her with me. "Can't we nap together?"
I sighed, "I have to work today."
She pouted almost instantly, "Oh." That's all she said but I could tell she wasn't too happy about that.
I nuzzled her neck, "I already lost so many days of work."
"How many?" She asked as she tangled her fingers in my hair and her legs with mine.
"I don't know." I muttered against her skin, not too happy about leaving her either. She kept quiet and didn't comment that, but I knew she was deep in her thoughts. "What about you wait for me in my bed?" I said as I pulled my head back to look at her.
"In your bed?" She asked, sounding confused.
"Take your time, do whatever you have to do...then you can wait for me there." I explained as I pulled the keys of my house out of the pocket of my jeans and I gave them to her.
"You don't have to go now." Lila pointed out.
"I'm not really dressed for work." I shrugged and wondered if she'd say something about the keys. But she didn't, only tucking them away.
She smiled at me. "I still have one of your suits in my closet." She admitted, her face flushing.
"I thought you said you set it on fire." I teased her though I had no memory of ever letting it there.
"It's a three piece Armani. That would be a waste." She shrugged as if it was no big deal. I laughed and she blushed further. "I'll make coffee while you get dressed." She walked into her kitchen and I can't help following her, coming up behind her, wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling her neck. "You don't want to help me get dressed?"
She laughed and turned in my arms. "Not if you ever want to get to work." She bit her lip and looked into my eyes, while I let her gaze into me with no masks, no veils, nothing between us. "Say it again." She whispered.
"Want to help me get dressed?" I joked and she rolled her eyes and shoved me back as she started brewing the coffee. "I love you." I said in a deep honest voice.
That made her turn to jump into my arms. "Travis." She sobbed, holding me so tight it took my breath away. But it wasn't for her hold, it was for how she was breaking in my arm.
"Lil." I squeezed her back and kissed the nape of her neck.
"I missed you so much....I don't think I was even living without you." She admitted, sounding vulnerable.
I turned her into my arms gently, as if she was a fragile thing and in a way she was. She was young, naive sometimes, and I loved that about her, but that also meant that I had to take extra care of her, I had to be careful, and I had to stop being an a.ss. "Baby." I said quietly, looking into her eyes as I cupped her face, "I don't want you to think about that, it's already in the past now. I don't want to see you cry either." I added, kissing her tears away.
She let out a deep breath, her hands clutching at my wrist like she had done before, but this time it wasn't to push me away. It was to hold me there, holding her. "It's been hard for me and now I have to let it all out." She explained and from the look on her face? I knew she was already peaceful, no more clouds into her gorgeous eyes. "Didn't you miss me?"
"Of course I did." I answered simply, "I didn't realize how used to have you I was until I didn't have you again. How long have we been together? Barely a year?" I questioned, more to myself than to her, "It didn't felt that long to me and at the same time, it felt like you were always part of my life."
She broke into a silly laugh, a liberating one, "You're not making much sense." She pointed out and I smiled, loving the sound coming out from her lips.
"I can't promise you that's going to change." I bit back a grin thought I meant that too.
"If you were too easy to understand it'd get boring." She smirked back at me.
"That I can promise, you'll never have a dull moment with me." I guaranteed, sure about that, in a good and a bad way. She knew me and if she still loved me? I was sure she could handle both.
Lila reached up and kissed me again before forcing herself to pull away. "Go change, you don't want to be late to work."
I grinned. "No sugar in mine." I reminded as she added sweetner and cream to her coffee and poured me a cup with just a splash of half and half.
"I think I remember." She grinned.
I left the room regretfully to get dressed, not really happy to leave her when I had just got her back. I had no other choice though and all I could do was think about the moment when I'd be off and with her again.
I walked back out, buttoning the sleeves of my shirt and slipping on my coat and feeling Lila's eyes on me as I moved to her. Her intentions were clear. "Stop looking at me like that." I growled. "I really do need to go to work."
She held up the keys I had given her. My heart stopped a moment. "And I'm going to be waiting in your bed when you get home....how will you focus on working?" She asked, tilting her head to the side as she slid me my coffee.
"Don't tease me." I sipped it and then pulled away to glare at her again. "I said stop looking at me like that darlin."
She shivered and turned away. "If you want me to stop staring you should go." She laughed, grabbing her coffee and looking happy again.
"I'll see you soon." I lifted her head to press a soft kiss against her lips and she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me harder, licking into my mouth and breathing heavier as her hands grabbed at my suit.
"I love you." She whispered against my lips
"I know."