nothing is as bad as it seems

nothing is as bad as it seems by ssaarah

I couldn't sleep. Even with sleeping pills I'd wake up in a few hours feeling empty and exhausted. I looked up when I heard someone knocking on my door. I blinked, then looked at the clock. It was really early. Maybe my family? I felt like I should be worried but I couldn't muster up the energy to care. I dragged myself to the door opening it and seeing not a family member but my ex. He opened his mouth but I shut the door. I was pretty sure I was hallucinating.

"Lila please. Let me in." I heard his voice and bit down on my  lip. Maybe he was real after all. "Please, open the door." What did he want? Did I even want to know? He broke me last time we saw each other. He hurt me on purpose going to her. I hated him for that. I opened the door again and looked over at him.
"What do you want Trav? Why are you even here?" I asked, barely hearing my own voice.
"I just want to talk." he said, looking as tired as I felt.
"I...I'm not in the mood right now." I said and I watched as he looked down, licking his lips and shaking his head.
"I'll do all the talking, you just have to listen to me...okay?"
"Okay." I agreed eventually and turned away. I heard the door close behind him and his footsteps following me into the living room as I slumped onto the couch. "I'm listening." Travis sat next to me, not touching me and I couldn't decide if I wanted him to or not.
"I'm sorry Lil." he breathed out, running a hand through his thick hair.
"For what?"
"Everything." he said seriously, "But mostly I'm sorry if I hurt you. I know I've been awful to you and you saw me at my worst and I didn't want to happen either." I didn't say anything, I was trying to process what he said but I felt empty still. "When you left me...you broke me. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend and I probably never will, I'm not that great of a man either, considering how I treated you. I was 100% with though, I wanted to be with you and I still want to be. I want you back with me, for real." I kept quiet, waiting because he said he'd do the talking and so far he'd only said a few sentences.
"Lil....say someting."
"I thought I only had to listen." I replied, hearing my voice and wishing I could care how hollow it sounded. I didn't believe him.
"I just need you to-" he paused as he blinked behind me. I turned and realized he was looking at the painting of him I'd done on accident, my mind on auto pilot as my brain showed me how much my heart was missing him. I had to admit, as much as I hated seeing what I'd done it was some of my best work. The emotion captured in his face was the same when he had asked me if I was leaving him. "Lila." he choked out, walking up to it and blinking.
"I didn't mean to." I said softly, following him and looking at it for the one millionth time and not being able to decide if I loved it or hated it.
"God." he shook his head and tore his gaze away from it and turned to me. "You must still feel something for me." He said, fear in those eyes I'd memorized so well.
"Still feel something?" I asked, feeling my own widen. "I feel everything."
"Then please...." He looked desperate. At this point I was pretty sure I was asleep. Only in my dreams did my Travis come back and tell me he wanted me.
"Sure." I nodded, thinking if I said yes I'd get to the part of the dream where he'd touch me instead of waking up cold and alone.
"Sure?" he blinked at me.
"Yeah. Sure, let's get back together." He came closer and cupped my face and oh god his hands were so warm....
"What's wrong? You're so off." I swallowed.
"I don't think you're real." I admitted, feeling a tear fall down my cheek. "I'll wake up soon and be empty all over again." He shook his head.
"No. You won't." He leaned in but I pulled back at the last second.
"Did you sleep with Karlie?" I asked, folding my arms over my chest in some attempt to protect myself. He shook his head but he looked braced for a fight.
"No, I didn't."
"Did-did you go to her?" I went on, slowly, knowing something must have happened since he looked so tense.
"I did." he nodded, taking a deep breath before speaking. "We kissed. Once."
"Oh god, I knew it!" I took a few steps back, feeling hurt. He had gone to her to hurt me and even if that was all that had happened? It was enough for me to hate it. "I knew you were here for a reason, that it couldn't be that easy." I turned away, trying not to break more than I already was but he grabbed me and pulled me into his arms. 
"It's never going to be easy between us." he said against my ear and I was fighting to pull away even though I didn't know why I bothered.
"There's no us anymore Travis." I said, hearing my voice crack as I pushed him away. 
"I'm sorry Lila, I'm so sorry." he hurried and he looked devestated. "I was so mad-"
"I am mad now Travis, why did you even come here? To rub that in my face? Just to prove me once again that it's her that you want?" I retorted.
"It's you that I want!" he shouted, turning me in his arms and holding me there.  "Listen to me Lila." he paused, boring his gorgeous eyes into mine, "I'm in love with you, can't you see that?" For a few moments all that was heard was both of our breaths even though his words echoed in my ears over and over and over again.
"Travis." I said in a shaky breath once I found my voice. "You were so mad at me at Jax's"
"I know." He nodded. "It was easier to be mad." I nodded.
"Yeah. It was." I agreed as I looked down at the floor.
"I've never felt like this before Lila." I slowly looked up and then I was walking towards him, sliding my hands up his hard chest and holding him tight. A groan left his chest and he hugged me so tight.
"I love you so much. I'm so sorry I left." I hid in his chest, feeling like I was back in my safe place.
"Why did you do it? You knew how I felt about you." His arms were still squeezing me against my body, almost too tight but I never wanted him to let go.
"I don't even know anymore. I hate being jealous, I hate it." I shook my head against his chest. "I hate her and I don't even know her and I've never been that kind of girl."
"I'm sorry. I don't want that....you're my girl Lil, no one else." I nodded.
"No one else." I agreed, because it was true, there was no one else. I knew that now. No matter what, no matter how fucked up we were I would always be his. He held me tight against him letting out a tense breath before kissing the top of my head.
"I didn't mean all the awful things I said the other night. I never wanted you to see that side of me Lil." he admitted, nuzzling my neck.
"I don't hold grudges." I said, muffled against his shirt as I clutched at him tightly. Travis lifted me off the floor as he carried me to the couch where he sat with me on his lap.
"It's important for me that you say everything to me, I don't want you to bite your tongue now and use things against me in the future." he said quietly and I felt how important it was. I had to stop being scared to lose him since that's what made me lose him in the first place.
"I'm tired Trav." I whispered, "These weeks without you have been exhausting." Travis cupped my cheek and kissed me softly, warming me from the inside out.
"I'll take care of you." I felt like a weight had been lifted off me as I leaned into him.
"I believe you." I whispered, finally willing to admit how much I wanted that, needed that. "I want to take care of you too." I whispered as I looked into his eyes.
"Lil." He kissed me again, this time harder, molding my body against his. I sank into his kiss the way I always did, but this was different. It felt different.
"I won't leave again Trav." I whispered against his lips.
"I won't let you." He countered, pushing my hair back as he tilted my face to look at him. "I should have fought for you harder."
"I shouldn't have let jealousy get in the way of what I knew we had." I sighed. "I don't want you to be different, but I do want us to be different."
"Better." He agreed. I sighed and kiss him again. "There's nothing to be jealous of." He said seriously and for the first time? I really belived him.
"If you were less like an adonis it might be easier." I laughed. He quirked a brow at me.
"Adonis? Ha." He shook his head.
"You're right, you're better." He held me tighter and nuzzled me lightly.
"But you're my girl." I nodded.
"Always." I agreed. Travis kissed my forehead and then my mouth gently.
"My girl looks sleepy." he pointed out softly, wedging his hard body between the cushions of the couch and me as he spooned me against him.
"I am but I don't want to sleep now that I just got you back." I whispered as I traced his jaw with my fingerti. "What time is it?"
"I have no idea but I guess about six?" he said slowly, brushing the tip of my nose against his.
"Can't we nap together?" Travis sighed.
"I have to work today."
"Oh." I had forgotten it was a weekday. If we were being honest I wasn't sure what day it was at all.
"I already lost so many days of work."
"How many?" I asked as I tangled my fingers in his hair and my legs with his.
"I don't know." he muttered against my shoulder. "What about you wait for me in my bed?" I said as I pulled my head back to look at him.
"In your bed?"
"Take your time, do whatever you have to do...then you can wait for me there." he explained before pulling his keys out of his jeans and handing them over. Holy shit.
"You don't have to go now." I pointed out.
"I'm not really dressed for work." He shrugged and I smiled at him. God he was so...mine. He was mine.
"I still have one of your suits in my closet." I admitted, feeling my face flush.
"I thought you said you set it on fire." I saw the hint of a smile and I shrugged.
"It's a three piece Armani. That would be a waste." I shrugged as if it was no big deal. He laughed and I blushed further. "I'll make coffee while you get dressed." I walked into my kitchen and felt him come up behind me, wrapping my arms around me and nuzzling my neck.
"You don't want to help me get dressed?" I laughed and turned in his arms, letting his distinct scent overwhelm me in the best way.
"Not if you ever want to get to work." I bit my lip and looked into his eyes, eyes that were looking at me with so much emotion it made my knees weak. "Say it again." I whispered.
"Want to help me get dressed?" I rolled my eyes and shoved him back as I started brewing the coffee. "I love you." His deep voice cut through me like a knife and my chest warmed and tightened as I closed my eyes before turning to jump into his arms.
"Travis." I sobbed, holding him so tight.
"Lil." He squeezed me back and kissed the nape of my neck.
"I missed you so much....I don't think I was even living without you." I admitted, hating how vulnerable that made me sound, but knowing that he would take care of me and that I would want it. Travis turned me around in his arms again.
"Baby." he said quietly, looking into my eyes as his big hands cupped my face, "I don't want you to think about that, it's already in the past now. I don't want to see you cry either." he added, kissing my tears away and being so perfect I didn't know how to handle it. I clutched at him, holding him with me.
"It's been hard for me and now I have to let it all out." I explained, though i felt like I was free of every bad thing. "Didn't you miss me?"
"Of course I did." he answered simply, "I didn't realize how used to have you I was until I didn't have you again. How long have we been together? Barely a year?" he asked, "It didn't felt that long to me and at the same time, it felt like you were always part of my life."
"You're not making much sense." I laughed but I didn't care since I loved the sound of his voice.
"I can't promise you that's going to change." he bit back a grin and I smirked back at him.
"If you were too easy to understand it'd get boring."
"That I can promise, you'll never have a dull moment with me." I reached up and kissed him again before forcing myself to pull away.
"Go change, you don't want to be late to work." He grinned and god that did things to me all over.
"No sugar in mine." he reminded as I added sweetner and cream to my coffee and poured him a cup with just a splash of half and half.
"I think I remember." I grinned. I bit my lip and debated going in to help him change, but I suddenly felt like a starving woman and I would eat him alive if I had the chance. I'd never felt less sexy when we were broken up, but now that we were together I wanted him just as much as I ever had if not more. After all our relationship was extremely physical, sometimes we said the things we couldn't say with our bodies instead of our words. Travis walked back out, buttoning the sleeves of his shirt and slipping on his coat and I let myself watch him moving towards me.
"Stop looking at me like that." He growled. "I really do need to go to work." I held up the keys he was giving me.
"And I'm going to be waiting in your bed when you get home....how will you focus on working?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I slid him his coffee.
"Don't tease me." he sipped his coffee and then pulled away to glare at me again. "I said stop looking at me like that darlin." I shivered and turned away.
"If you want me to stop staring you should go." I laughed, grabbing my coffee and actually tasting it for the first time in weeks. Yum.
"I'll see you soon." He lifted my head to press a soft kiss against my lips and I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him harder, licking into his mouth and breathing heavier as my hands grabbed at his suit.
"I love you." I whispered against his lips
"I know."