Old Saint John on death row, he's just waiting for a pardon.

I swirled the scotch in my glass, keeping my eyes on the door while waiting for Ben. I was early, always early, but tonight? My nerves were at a all time high and I wanted to be two drinks deep, at least, before he got here. I cleared my throat as the cocktail waitress passed and ordered one more, downing the glass in my hand and then setting it down for her to collect. She gave me a long look, the kind that normally would have me interested, only right now my life was so goddamn confusing I wasn't going to bother.

"Is that your new girl?" Ben said with a grin, sliding into the booth across from me as she walked away, no longer within earshot from us.

I lifted a brow and glanced at her, the way she swayed as she walked then tossed her head over her shoulder to make sure I was watching. I groaned and shook my head, "No. How are you? I think it's been weeks since we last spoke."

He ran a hand through his hair and looked different than the last time I had seen him, actually spent time with him. He looked tired but happy. "I know, have you been avoiding me?" He grinned.

"Not at all," I said honestly, needing to talk to him but our timing was always off. He was busy playing family now while my own family was driving me fucking nuts. "I've missed my boyfriend."

"You're lucky Cami didn't hear that or she'd get jealous," He joked.

I laughed and shook my head, "You're the lucky one instead. Cami's a good girl."

 

He nodded his head, my words not surprising him since everyone loved Cami. "I'm aware of that," He smirked at me, looking genuinely happy. It had been a while since I saw that goofy smile on his face. 

"So, how are things going?" I asked as I leaned back, a little nervous knowing that sooner or later I'd have to tell him about what happened between Chloe and I. I was more than dreading it.

"I couldn't be happier," He answered honestly.

I let out a laugh that sounded a little forced, "Are you trying to get me jealous?"

The waitress chose that moment to come back over with my drink. Ben ordered one for himself while I kept quiet, waiting for her to leave. "Nah I'd doubt you'd like having to deal with a crazy six year old dealing with his parents getting back together," Ben smirked at me, knowing me well enough that I wasn't planning on settling down anytime soon any starting a family. We were different and there was nothing wrong with that, we still managed to be close.

"You're right, it sounds hard," I said back with an eyebrow raised as I downed my drink in one sip.

He shrugged, knowing that it was just a part of being a father, "It's okay, it's what I've always wanted...you know it."

 

"Then I'm happy for you," I said sincerely, meaning it because honestly, I'd seen Ben with girls and he never seemed truly happy. He was always looking for an out, never wanting anything to become too serious.

He grinned back at me, "Because it means more girls for you now?"

I laughed and shook my head, "I've never had any problems with girls."

"So no new harem? No girlfriends for you?" He looked at me skeptically, knowing that I was happiest when I was sexually active. I was only a man after all.

I let out a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders, feeling tongue tied since I didn't know what to tell him. I mean, how do you tell your best friend that you slept with his sister? We weren't dating, we weren't even really talking. I don't know if it was a one time thing or if it would happen again, but could I tell him that without getting punched in the face? "I've been busy with work and all that family drama..." I trailed off instead, feeling drained because my parents were considering buying a house in Paris. A summer house, but still. The last thing I wanted was my parents dropping in on me whenever they felt like it.

Ben nodded, "I'm sorry about your aunt."

I forced another smile, "Thank you."

 

He nodded again, the moment feeling a little awkward because death was a hard situation. "So is that why you look so...off," He said slowly, not knowing what to say.

I shrugged nonchalantly, playing it off like I always did, "Yeah, I mean, I'm not that close to my family and I'm sorry for my aunt, but it's not just that." 

The waitress approached our table again, setting Ben's drink in front of him before he spoke again. "What else? Tell me about it," He suggested with a more genuine smile, knowing that I was a closed off person but if there was someone I opened up to? It was him. 

"Just my parents want to buy a summer house here," I said in a groan, rolling my eyes for full effect and being genuinely annoyed.

He made a face, knowing that it was bad news for me. "Oh damn." He paused then offered a grin, attempting to make the moment lighter, "I'm moving to Cami's loft next weekend, you can hide in mine whenever you need."

"I might need to," I grinned back at him, letting his words sink in and realizing they were serious this time. My brows shot up and I smiled genuinely at him, "Moving in together already?"

"Already? It's about time instead," He retorted and grinned. 

"And you're happy?" I questioned, wondering if that was what I was missing in my life... why I was never truly happy; love. I mean, I could get laid when I wanted to and had no problem in that field, but it never seemed to be enough.  

Ben nodded his head, "I am. What about you? You look..." He trailed off, searching for the right word.

"Off, I know," I said for him and sighed, feeling like someone had turned the damn heater on. "I-" I cut myself off while he gave me a blank stare.

"Just say what's on your mind," He said when I didn't go on. I had to be annoying him at this point, maybe making him think that I was dying. 

"You're going to fucking hate me," I said instead and he laughed, even cocking an eyebrow.

"Stop being a girl and say it."

"I slept with Chloe," I said finally, keeping my eyes on his, not sure if he'd hit me or get up and leave, throw his drink at me, who the hell knew. 

He stared black at me as his expression dropped, "Please tell me you're kidding me." 

"I...no," I shook my head, keeping my eyes on his and feeling awful. 

He swallowed, sitting motionless instead of saying anything or doing anything. "I don't know what to tell you," He said eventually, his face unreadable but if I had to guess? He was probably shocked, pissed, disappointed in me. "You're such an fucking idiot." 

My mouth fell open and I closed it again, knowing that he was right but me admit it? It wasn't going to change anything. "I know," I said quietly while his eyes remained on me, still blank but saying plenty. "I shouldn't have... I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Why am I sorry?" I asked while he shook his head. 

"Why did you sleep with my sister?" He clarified, asking me the same exact question I had been asking myself for a while now, at least ever since it happened. The truth was, I wasn't sure.... I wasn't sure why we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves whenever we were around each other either. There was just something about Chloe. When you got past the Chloe Lindsell that the rest of the world saw, there was so much more to her. 

I shrugged my shoulders, "I like your sister. I like being around her."

He stared at me completely unimpressed, "After disliking her for months? Did you see her allure when you saw her naked?" 

"Ben," I said back as my lips set in a straight line. "No, I got to talk to her more..." 

He shook his head, this time looking away and staring at nothing really, "So what now? You like her so you're going to take her on dates? You'll get together with her?" He reasoned out loud, "Come on Tristan, I know you and how you treat girls. I'd never judge you for that, but why my sister? You could have had literally any girl. You knew from the moment you decided to make something happen that it wouldn't have ended well."

"Thank you for having such a low opinion of me," I said flatly, knowing that he had every right to be mad at me but that? That was just a low blow. 

He raised a brow at me, "Suddenly you like my sister and are boyfriend of the year? I doubt it."

I shook my head, "You know how I treat girls? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Seriously?" He looked back at me with an unreadable expression, "You were sleeping with three girls at once, denying that you were dating any of them. Can you blame me for wondering why Chloe?"

I let the insult slide, wanting to remind him of how he treated Celeste because honestly? It wasn't any better than I treated the last three girls I had been with. I wasn't exclusive with any of them, but they wanted the exact same thing I did; sex with no attachments. It didn't make me a bad person. "Your sister is smart and gorgeous. Maybe she's a little too dramatic and sometimes insecure, but those things just make her real. Does it surprise you that I actually like being around her?"

"Yes it does," He retorted, sounding annoyed now. "Because you never liked her. And because the only way to make me think that whatever is going on between you and her would be hear you say you'll start dating her but we both know it won't happen."

"Because of how I treat girls," I said back flatly, using his own words against him.

He shook his head, "I don't understand why you deny it. I used to be the same and I'm not even saying you should stop, if you're happy with that then I'm happy for you but now that my sister is in that equation too? I'm sorry but I can't be happy," He tried to explain, "If the roles were reversed, how would you feel? Can you seriously blame me for reacting like I am?"

 

"No," I admitted, shaking my head. "You have every right to be mad at me. I knew going into this that it couldn't end well."

He stared at me blankly again, "But?"

I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to explain the attraction I had with his sister. Not wanting to tell him that it was literally impossible to resist her... It sounded sexual only and maybe it was. But it was real. Everything Chloe had said to me after I tried again to push her away? She was right and her words kept coming back to me as if they were haunting me, waiting for me to change my mind. I didn't know what I wanted, whether I wanted to date Chloe Lindsell or just sleep with her again.. But I knew that I wanted her. "I can't explain it, but there's an attraction between us," I said finally, realizing that I had been just standing there like an idiot lost in my thoughts. Ben groaned and I knew how he took my words and that I should add something. I was awful with words though. No wonder I seemed so incapable of being in a real relationship. "I know that you're worried about your sister getting hurt and that she has been hurt in the past. But we're both so closed off, we aren't going to rush into anything. She's a strong woman and you have to give her the benefit of the doubt."

He parted his lips and looked drained, like he wanted to be anywhere but here with me having this conversation. "Are you asking for my permission to date my sister?" He asked point blank.

"I'm asking you to trust me," I replied.

 

He shook his head immediately, "I don't know if I can do that and I'm sure I can't give you any answer now." He paused as he thought his words out while I was sure no matter what he'd say, it wouldn't be good. "I'm too mad at you because I feel like you went behind my back and did the only thing you knew I could hardly forget. And you still did it, just like my sister did too. I would have expected it from her, but from you..." He trailed off and shook his head.

"You have nothing to worry about Ben, really. We're all grown up," I said as if to help him to think straight, but he looked like he was resisting the urge to laugh instead. I was running out of things to say and clearly just digging my own grave every time I opened my mouth. 

"I have plenty to worry about," He retorted, "Chloe already talked to me about you, only she didn't tell me it was you. Even if I decided to trust you, which is already hard enough, I can't trust her. We already are in bad terms right now, I don't know if you know about it."

I shook my head, kicking myself in the ass for unknowingly choosing the worst moment possible. I wanted to tell him days ago, weeks ago, right after it happened. But how do you tell someone that? It wasn't exactly easy. "No, I didn't know," I told him, hoping he'd believe me.

"Well it wasn't pretty," He let out a sigh as he downed his drink, "When I came here tonight I thought I'd be free to talk to you about it, since you're my best friend, but now I can't do it anymore. I can't just pretend that nothing happened...so I guess I'll take a step back and be on my own for a while, maybe I'll get over it with time," He finished, staring at the bottom of his glass. You could tell just from looking at him that he was still upset, maybe more so than before.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair then set it back on the table, hands clasped together in front of me. "I hope you'll forgive me," I said next and realized how it sounded like we were a couple breaking up. I resisted the urge to laugh, wondering if I was losing my mind. I didn't know how to deal with friends. I mean, I had friends growing up... but I wasn't exactly popular. There wasn't ever anyone I could trust with my life. Ben though? He was the most decent person I had ever met. 

"I hope so too," He said in a monotone voice, leaving it at that.

"You can still talk to me about anything," I said next, trying to let him open up to me even though he was even more closed off than I was. Maybe that wasn't necessarily true, but the man was hard to read. Unless you were his best friend or Cami? You didn't know Ben Lindsell at all. Sometimes I wasn't even sure that Chloe really knew him and that was sad. 

He shook his head slowly, rolling his empty glass between his hands. "I can't right now. You're still my best friend but I feel like I can tell you nothing instead. I'm not in the mood to share anything about my life with you because I'm too stuck on the thought of what you've done and what you'll keep doing," He said honestly since it was the least he could do. 

I parted my lips and closed them, repeating the motion a few times before words started coming out of my mouth again. "I'm sorry. I'm still here for you though, you know..." I trailed off as I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly.

Ben nodded this time, "I know. It's better for me to keep my mouth shut now, I don't want to say things I could regret."

"I appreciate the honesty," I replied and eyed his drink. "Do you want another or do you need to get back home?"

He opened his mouth and let out a sigh, "I can have another. I need it."

I cracked the smallest grin at my friend and motioned to the waitress that we wanted another round. The happy carefree expression that Ben had been sporting when he first got here was long gone and I felt bad for ruining his night, possibly his week. "You can't be mad at your sister forever," I said seriously and looked at him, knowing that that had to be the last thing he wanted to hear. I knew that family was important, but like Ben, I wasn't as close to my family as I wished I was. 

He stared at me, looking like he might kill me if I said one more word. "I'm sorry Tristan but you're in no position to tell me what to do," He said back without bothering to hide the annoyance in his tone.

I raised one eyebrow just so slightly, "I'm not your friend anymore?"

"Right now you're the guy who's having sex with my sister," He answered in monotone, just a hint of bitterness in his voice. "I know I can't be mad at my sister forever, but I have a pretty long list of reasons to be mad at her so I can't really think about stopping anytime soon. You're just the last thing that happened and possibly the one that upsets me the most."

"It only happened once," I retorted, not knowing what more to say. 

"And you can't say it's not going to happen again which is saying something," He pointed out and I had to hold back a groan. 

"Am I supposed to apologize until you forgive me? Get on my knees and grovel for your forgiveness?" I sighed and shook my head, "I really am sorry Ben. I didn't plan for this to happen and I didn't plan to start liking your sister. It just happens. But that doesn't change who I am, it doesn't mean that I'm going to choose your sister over you or take her side whenever you two fight. You're still my best friend and if you can no longer be friends with me? Then yeah it hurts, but that's your choice." 

"It was your choice to sleep with my sister, don't act like it just happened by itself," He retorted, "We're not 16 anymore, you're a grown up man and know how to keep it in your pants."

"But-"

"I know," He cut me off, "Truth is Tristan, right now nothing you can tell can make things better. You said you wouldn't choose her over me but it's going to happen, it's happening already. I love my sister, I really do, but you have no idea of what you're getting yourself into. You'll get caught between us just like I'll get caught between you two." He paused when the waitress reappeared again, setting the drink in front of Ben and three seconds later he had downed it already, "I'm still your friend, but I think that I need a while to let off some steam."

 

I nodded my head, done talking since it seemed to be getting worse and worse every time I said something or tried to get him to see where I was coming from. It was a lost cause at this point and he needed to have time, that was the only thing that could help. "Fair enough," I replied and motioned the girl back over to ask for our bill. We sat there in silence until she brought the slip over and set it down in front of me while I handed her my card in exchange. The least I could do was foot the bill. "Are you having any luck finding a new place?" I asked, wanting to change the subject even if I knew he'd give me nothing in return. It didn't hurt to try.

Ben shook his head, "No. I'm staying with Cami for the time being."

I nodded my head while we waited for the waitress to bring me a copy to sign, "Let me know if you need help moving anything."

 

He let out a deep breath and nodded again, "Sure, maybe when we'll find the right place."

I looked at him for a few seconds, wondering if he really meant it, "That sounded like something you'd say but wouldn't do." 

The waitress came back with my copy of the bill and while a part of me was relieved that I'd gotten this off my chest while the rest of me regretted having to tell him because I had no idea of when I'd see my best friend again, or when things would go back to how they were. I could only hope they eventually would. "It might take a while but yeah, I meant it," He said once the girl disappeared one more time and then he got up. "Thanks for the drinks Trist. Have a good night."