when the money’s spent and all my friends have vanished, and I can’t seem to find no help or love for free, I know there’s no need for me to panic.

when the money’s spent and all my friends have vanished, and I can’t seem to find no help or love for free, I know there’s no need for me to panic. by sassy

I shot a last glance to Rob before he pulled away from the curb, his car disappearing in less than 3 seconds and leaving me alone in front of my home. I sighed as I fished the key from the pocket of my jeans and opened the door, listening carefully as I stepped inside, no sound coming from anywhere apparently. I reached for my phone immediatly, wondering if Aria had gone out without telling me as I made my way to the living room, and hoping she hadn't because I really really wanted her with me now. My best friend and my assistant were getting married, and I had mixed feelings about it which I didn't know how to handle.
"Seb?" Ar's sweet voice broke the silence and her head popped out from over the couch, her lips curving into a beautiful smile as soon as our eyes met.

I couldn't help smiling too as I walked over her, setting my hands on the back of the couch and bending over to kiss her pink lips. "Hi babe." I said quietly before walking around the couch and sitting next to her. "What were you doing?"
She lifted herself in a sitting position as she glanced at her kindle, "I was reading." She answered and leaned into me, her hand reaching for mine to wrap my arm around her shoulders as she set her head on my chest. "How was your date with Rob?"
I glanced down at her and the silly smirk on her lips, not even bothering to protest because I was used by now to all the silly jokes she and Erin made about us. "It was okay." I answered in monotone, not really wanting to dig into the subject since it was a tricky one and the last thing I needed was an argument with Aria. All I needed was her silent confort.
She didn't say anything for a moment, then pulled her head back to stare into my eyes. "Erin came over earlier..." She trailed off slowly and from the look on her face? I knew that she knew. Not that it surprised me, since the two girls were friends, but I would've appreciate if my assistant had also had the guts to tell me herself or at least stop being mia. That was so out of character of her, it made me nervous.
"I see." I said simply, dismissing the subject once again by pulling away from Ar and getting up, "I'm going to get changed." I added and kissed her once again before heading to the bedroom, needing a few more moments alone to forget completely about Erin and Rob.
Once inside the room I looked around and couldn't help but smile a little, noticing the differences between my bedside table and Aria's. There was close to nothing on mine, just a book and my phone charger, while on hers there was a pile of magazines, earrings, a watch, lipsticks and even a small bag of cookies. That said a lot about how different we were and yet there couldn't be anymore so good for me, I couldn't get over how we worked together despite being opposites.
I shook my head as I kicked my shoes off, leaving them by the bed and taking my short off next before grabbing a new one and walking to the bathroom. Despite being tired it was still early and, even if I wanted to, I'd never be able to go to bed and sleep, so I washed my face and as soon as I was done I heard Aria's voice.
"Baby?" She called out just as I walked out of the bathroom, pulling the new tee over my head, it falling slowly to cover up my stomach. Her eyes took me in, meeting mine just as mine met hers. "You're not happy for them?"
"I am," I replied in the same monotone voice I used when the subject was one I didn't want to talk about.
She crossed her arms over her chest and kept staring at me, "Are you?"
"I just said that I was Aria," I said flatly this time. "I'm going to work on editing."
She grabbed my arm as I brushed past her, sliding her palm flat up my arm and letting her fingers find the back of my neck to cup it, "What's wrong? Talk to me."
I stopped in my tracks and shook my head, "Nothing's wrong." I answered quietly and looked down before making eye contact.
She cocked her head to the side as she kept staring at me, almost as if she was picking her next words carefully. "We both know you're lying." She said eventually.
I set my jaw, "I thought we already exstabilished that none of us lie instead." I said back, being a stubborn a.ss but that was how I was sometimes.
She shot me a glare and for a moment I thought she was about to insult me. Instead, she sighed, proving to be a lot more patient than she gave herself credit for. "Why are you so upset?" She asked, going straight to the point.
I stared at her for a long moment, considering her question. I didn't know if upset was the right word, but it was clear that I wasn't in the best mood, either a normal one. Truth was, I was worried that Erin, once married, wouldn't be able to be my assistant anymore and that would be a huge problem for me. "I'll get over it." I answered eventually.
Her hand slid down my chest and stopped there as she took a step closer to me, "Talking to me won't kill you." She said quietly as she stared up at me, offering a small grin as she tried to make the moment lighter.
I shook my head once again, because yes maybe it wouldn't kill me but I was afraid it'd bite me in the ass instead. Marriage was a touchy subject for us, there was a reason if we never brought it up and I had no intention to start tonight. "I'm too tired babe."
She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her body against me as she looked up at me. "Can you at least not work tonight? You've been out all day..." She trailed off and even if I knew she wasn't complaining, it sounded a lot like it instead.
I kissed her forehead, setting my hands on her hips to pull away gently and grab her hand. "Deal." I said simply as I led her outside the room and back to the staircase, guessing that the least I could do was give her my time.
Keeping a tight grasp on my hand, Aria followed me back down the stairs with our bodies not more than a few inches apart. I noticed her parting and then reclosing her lips a few times, but I ignored it, leaving her the choice to drop the conversation or start an argument. "Where'd you two go tonight?" She asked instead, silence never something she felt comfortable around.
"Lark and then a dive bar next to it for drinks after dinner," I replied, my voice not giving anything away much like my expression. Not that there was much to give away, my night with Robert had been fine really, there was just that little detail called marriage that bugged me.
I sat down on the couch first and pulled her half onto my lap, her legs sprawled out on the couch as her body relaxed against mine. "Sounds like a good night," She looked up at me and smiled. "I made a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner."
"You need to take cooking classes," I said with a smile.
She laughed and then wrinkled her nose, shaking her head slightly, "I can think of better ways to spend my time... and I'm still a much better cook than you are."
"That's why I keep you around," My smile turned into a wide grin as I relaxed beside her, thankful that my friends were no longer the main topic.
"When Erin takes time off, maybe I'll fill in for her," She joked, the look on my face dropping a little because that didn't sound funny to me. At all. "Hey! I'm joking, but would it really be so bad?" She poked me in the chest.
"Yes." I said in a tone that was as flat as honest. I wasn't trying to mortify her, but she was my girlfriend and that was her job, roles never had to be mixed. "No offense." I added.
She raised one eyebrow slowly and I couldn't tell if she was still joking or not. I wasn't. "Why do you think so? Don't you believe in my skills?"
"No one can do Erin's job like she does." I said seriously as I set my head against the back of the couch, feeling exhausted and anxious at the same time. I was so used to be independent that the thought of having someone in my life who wasn't replaceable freaked me out a little. The same applied for Aria, but after years of denying what we had, I was finally sure that the place she had taken in my life would be hers forever.
A small pout appeared on her lips, and I could tell it was fake. "I'm good at learning too."
"I could never talk to you like I do to her, it wouldn't be pretty for either of us." I sighed, because even though I knew she was just messing with me, maybe even trying to make me lighten up, I wasn't able to joke about it instead. This was important to me and I guessed it made of me a selfish a.ss who was more worried about his job than his friends happiness, only I didn't care. Marriage was something I didn't understand, not like this, when Rob and Erin lived the same life I did.
She looked up at me and offered a smile, lifting her hand to cup my cheek and brush her thumb against my scruff. "Don't worry, I have no desire to be yelled at."
"Good." I replied simply, hoping once again to drop the subject and wrapping my arm around tighter around her instead, needing to feel her against me.
"Do you want to watch tv?" She asked, never able to stand the silence for more than 10 seconds, or at least not when she knew that something wasn't right.
"No." I answered quietly as I tilted my head to let it rest on top of hers, closing my eyes and focusing on how good was to come back to her instead. Funny how the things that used to worry me were the ones I liked now, I was impressed so far for how well living together was going.
She let out a small sigh and started drawing lines on my chest with the tip of her index finger, making me relax and, finally, enjoy some silence. "Did he ask you to be his best man?" She asked after not more than a minute. I always forgot that whenever Aria was quiet, was because she was deep into her thoughts.
I opened my eyes to roll them as I gave up, it was obvious that she wouldn't let go until I'd spill the details. I knew that her intentions were good, she was curious and at the same time she probably thought that I needed to open up. "Yes." I said simply, knowing that more questions were about to come.
"What did you say?" She asked just like I expected and she shrugged as soon as I raised one eyebrow at her, "I'm curious."
I ran my hand up and down her arm, "I said yes, of course." I paused and offered a small smirk, guessing that if we were talking about this at least I could try to make it light, even though I wasn't sure about how long that would last. "Don't worry, you're invited too."
"I better be," Aria wrinkled her nose before smirking back at me, nestling her body even closer up against mine.
Silence fell between us once again, this time her being the one lost in a thought. I could see it in her face, in the way her lips were pursed together, how there was a small crease between her furred brows and her eyes were staring at nothing. I could spent the whole night wondering what was going going on in that pretty head of hers, and I'd never guess it right. "What are you thinking about?" I asked and she blinked, giving me a shrug of her shoulders.
"I'm thinking about how handsome you're going to look in a suit," She replied, tilting her head slightly to grin at me. As much as my ego was pleased with that answer, I knew that wasn't where her thoughts were. It was pretty obvious that she was thinking about marriage, but the thing was, was she thinking about Erin and Robert or just marriage in general?
I laughed quietly and kissed the top of her head, hugging her body against mine, "You've seen me in a suit plenty of times."
"I know, but this is different," She replied, deep in her thoughts in a split second. "You know what? I don't think I've ever seen Erin in a dress."
"Our premiere," I said simply, reminding her of the tiny blonde wrapped up in an emerald green dress.
"Right," She said and I swear I could hear her brain working. Hard. "I didn't even know that they were back together..."
I shrugged, since I knew for a person that didn't knew them that much they were absolutely impossible to read. "They were."
"Well, apparently!" She said back and her tone was one of a surprised person, not that only, it was as if she couldn't understand. I was with her there. "I wouldn't think they'd ever get married. They don't look like the kind of couple who gets married." She added as an afterthought.
I processed her words, wondering how she saw ourselves instead, but I'd never ask her. It was too dangerous. "Welcome to the club." I muttered under my breath because yes, I knew my friends well, but I hadn't seen that coming at all.
"Oh well, good for them." She shrugged it off, as if it was no big deal. "If they're happy..."
"They're getting married because Erin was tired of his shenanigans. It's not like she really wanted to get married, but it's her way to keep him on the right road." I explained, remembering exactly my friend's words.
She widened her eyes a little, looking taken aback, "Did she say that?"
"No, Rob did." I shook my head and sighed, wondering when Erin would talk to me instead. Robert was my best friend, but Erin was also my employee. "They're basically signing a deal, there's nothing romantic about it."
At that she flashed me a grin, leaning her head against my shoulder and tilting it back to look at me, "Because you're all about romanticism right?" She teased me.
"Hilarious Aria." I said in monotone, rolling my eyes at her silliness.
"Hilarious is your friends outlook on marriage instead," Aria corrected me in a more serious tone. I shot her one of those looks, the kind telling her that I wanted her to drop the subject that was fast on its way to becoming an argument. "What? All I'm saying is that if someones getting married, then they should do it for the right reason... not because they're being tricked into it."
"I never said that Erin is tricking him," I replied quickly, defending both of my friends. They had reasoned about that decision and I wasn't going to judge them for something that would affect their life only. Aria, on the other hand, was all about judging apparently.
"You didn't have to say it. There's nothing romantic about it, so she's just afraid he'll cheat on her or...?" She trailed off with an eyebrow raised. I shrugged my shoulders for my response while she shook her head. "That sounds like tricking someone into marriage if you ask me."
"What's the big deal Ar?" I asked in a drained tone since I really didn't understand why she was being so heated about it.
"The big deal is why marry someone who you're afraid will cheat on you?" She asked, really looking like someone who wanted to fight. "If someone is against marriage but they're afraid that the man they love will keep up his shenanigans as you called it, obviously those two aren't meant to be together."
"If you feel that way, then it's a good thing you don't make their decisions for them," I said sarcastically.
"If you feel that I'm wrong, please convince me on why your friend isn't the worlds biggest douche bag," She retorted in a calm voice.
I was taken aback but her words and I stared at her, counted to 10, considered to get up and leave, or stay and yell, but in the end I swallowed the words and anger mixing in my throat and kept calm. "You don't even know him." I said eventually.
"I don't and at this point I don't feel like knowing him either." She spart harshly, leaving me wonder why in god's name she was being like this. It was as if she was annoyed with me for something which didn't really depend on me.
Her words went straight to my core as I broke eye contact and set my jaw, this time planning on counting to 100 even if it was getting hard. Truth was, I wasn't liking her not liking the guy who I considered my best friend, mostly when she didn't even know the whole story. She was jumping to conclusions and that wasn't like her. "Then you probably don't feel like going to their wedding either." I said in monotone, my body motionless because I knew that the moment I'd move it'd be to pull away from her. I didn't think we could save our night, but I was trying not to make it worse.
She turned her body to mine, I could feel her eyes on me but I ignored her. "That's not what I said."
"You don't get to the wedding even though you think they're getting married for the wrong reasons." I said back, dead serious and disappointed too, because if so far I had liked the occasional nights spent with her and my friends? They weren't happening anymore, because Aria had become Miss Judgy and I hadn't even noticed. "It'd be pretty hypocritical, don't you think?" I added as I finally looked at her, challenging her to say another wrong thing. It was the last chance for us not to fight, even though I was positive that she'd miss it.
"I'd be going for Erin, not for what I believe in," Aria replied honestly while looking at me blankly as if I mas making no sense. "What about you? Do you think they're getting married for the right reason?"
"They're my friends," I said back, not answering her question.
"That's not what I said," She repeated, leaving me wonder why this seemed to be so important to her when it was other people's choice. Also I wondered if her opinion on marriage was still the same she used to have years ago. "Do you think they're getting married for the right reason?"
"I heard you the first time," I said sharply.
"Then answer," she said back stubbornly.
"If they're getting married they must have good reasons, right?" I questioned even though my voice came out all in the same tone.
She snorted and rolled her eyes, "Don't deflect now Seb." She retorted, visibly annoyed.
I exhaled deeply from my nose, knowing that at this point all I could do was talk with no filters, no matter where it'd lead us. "I'm just saying that just because you don't think they have good reasons doesn't mean they really don't." I explained, not so calmly anymore. Sure my voice was low and my face straight, but that meant nothing. "Maybe their good reasons are right for them even if they're wrong for you."
"I want to know your opinion." She said back, not even blinking, and I started doubting she was even listening to me.
"Why does it matter? You already judged them without even knowing anything." I spat in a groan, lifting my arm from around her and leaning my elbows on knees as I ran my hands through my hair. I was frustrated, I was annoyed, I was upset, I was all the things that usually brought out the worst of me and the more we talked the harder it was to keep it all in check.
"Since when you don't tell me your opinion? Or you don't want to hear mine?" Came her response, her words bitter.
I snapped my head in her direction, staring at her, "I heard your opinion loud and clear Aria."
"Are you sure you're listening? Because every time I ask you a question, you don't give me an answer," She pulled away and crossed her arms over her chest, giving me my space even if I hadn't asked.
"I swear it's like you want to argue."
She blinked again in confusion as if I had started speaking chinese. "Seriously?" She asked and shook her head slightly, "I don't agree with their choices, but it doesn't mean that I like them any less."
"No? It sounds that way," I stood up, not able to keep seated and still a second longer.
"Rob isn't a saint. You can ask any girl who knows him her opinion on him and I'm sure you'll get the same response, but that doesn't mean that I dislike him," She told me honestly.
"Okay Aria." I said flatly, tired of talking because I knew we were both too stubborn to ever agree on something we had such a different opinion about. And it wasn't even about us, so I saw no point in going on with this discussion anyway.
She raised one eyebrow at me instead, the look on her face telling me that she wasn't going to give up. "Okay? Where are you going Sebastian? Are you running away like always?" She retorted, knowing which buttons to push.
I laughed bitterly and shook my head, "No, that's your thing." I said back, getting a glare from her. "I already had a long day, it's better if I go to bed before I say something I might regret later."
"No." She spat as she got up, setting her hands on her hips, "You're not going anywhere until we're done fighting."
"Are we fighting? Because it's exactly what I'm trying to avoid." I groaned as I stared at her blankly, wishing he'd never start talking about it in first place.
"We are not fighting-"
"Yet." I cut her off and she glared again, only thing time I glared back at her. Two could play this game.
She sighed, looking exhasperated, "We are just talking, arguing maybe, but that's what couples do Sebastian."
I stared at her a long moment, doing my best not to get annoyed by the full name. I set my hand on the small of her back and led her toward the kitchen. "Fine Aria, let's talk."
"Where are you taking me?" She raised one eyebrow slowly but followed my lead anyway.
I said nothing and dropped my hand along my side once we stepped into the room, "Sit." I ordered firmly, glancing at her as I opened the fridge to grab a bottle of wine, next reaching for two glasses and filling them. I took a seat across from her, the kitchens island separating us as we both took the first sip of wine and I swear I saw a flash of triumph into her eyes. I guessed this was a new way of facing our talking issues. "So, you were saying how you don't like Robert." I said after swallowing.
"I said the opposite Sebastian." She kept glaring. "As long as he's nice to me I have no problem with him."
I leaned my forearms against the flat surface, looking down at the clear liquid as I rolled the glass in my hands. "Don't worry Aria, if Erin's moving back to San Francisco with him I doubt we'd have many chances to spend time with him anyway." I said quietly. This was the real problem to me, not the reasons why they were getting married.
Aria nodded her head slowly as she studied my expression, "Is that what you're worried about?"
"I'm not worried about anything Aria," I replied in another one of my flat tones, hating to show myself vulnerable even if it was in front of my girlfriend who knew really everything about me. I couldn't help it.
"Are you afraid that Erin will quit to live in San Francisco?" She tried again and stared at me more seriously, going straight to the point. Sometimes I didn't give her enough credit for how good she was with me, handling my moods and my thoughts, no matter if sometimes it took a while.
"It's a possibility, but no, I'm not afraid."
She took another sip of the wine and swallowed, running her tongue over my top lip as she looked lost in her own thoughts. "Then why are you acting like this?" She asked with her gaze still on me.
I blinked as I stared back, feeling confused for a moment, "Acting like how?"
She shrugged, "I can't tell. You say that you're happy for your friends, yet you're acting the opposite."
"I'm acting as if I'm not happy for them?" I asked back, trying to understand what she meant because I was kind of lost. She was supposed to be the one good with words, not me. If she couldn't find them herself? Then we had a problem.
"Yes..." She trailed off and shrugged, "Kind of."
I shook my head, thinking about a way to tell her how I felt without saying too much, if that was even possible. I was a stubborn man, never willing to open up, but I was trying. "As I said before, if this is what they want and need, I'm happy for them." I paused and took a sip of wine, noticing how she was staring at me in silence, probably waiting for me to go on. "What worries me is that Erin could throw her career away and I'd end up firing a neverending number of assistants, wasting a lot of time too."
She raised one eyebrow at me, her face giving nothing away, "Throw her career away?" She repeated my words, as if she was still processing them.
"I make her work hard, but no one treats their assistants like I treat her." I said but I was only getting frustrated because I couldn't explain myself properly. Fuck me, did I need to go back to school? Take a speaking class? God. "She couldn't have a better boss than me."
"Always so modest baby." She offered a small smile, leaving me wonder if we were slowly getting out the fighting zone or it was just a momentary pause. "I think you feel like this because she's your friend too."
I pursed my lips together, feeling stupid because I was the one always saying now I hated mixing business with my personal life and there it was, my own rule coming back to bite my ass. "Maybe." I admitted quietly as I stared back at my wine, lost in my thoughts. The more I thought about it, the worst it got, because everytime I stopped, taking a breath from my work, I wondered where life would take me after this movie, if I'd get back home eventually. And where Aria would want to go instead. Not that I'd ever talk to her about it, it was scary enough in my head, it'd probably be a disaster if I said it out loud.
Aria stared at me without saying another word and I let her, knowing she wouldn't get anything just from studying me. "Where are your thoughts right now?" She asked quietly, leaning closer to me with her eyes still studying my hard expression.
My eyes flicked up to meet hers for a second until I shrugged and looked back down at my glass, throwing the rest of its contents down my throat and then reaching for the bottle to pour more. She shook her head when I motioned the bottle towards her, her glass only a little more than halfway full. "I'm wondering if we're done arguing," I replied in a tone giving nothing away.
"I'm not trying to argue with you Seb," She said honestly. "I just want you to open up to me and tell me why you're acting upset."
"You're sounding like a broken record now," I sighed and took another sip, silence in the room as I swallowed. "I'm not upset, worried yes, but not upset."
"You don't think Erin's going to really quit to become a stay at home wife, do you?" She grinned at the idea.
"That's not what I said." I retorted, appreciating that she found a funny side in this where I didn't instead. What was new, I was the serious and brooding one, while she was my opposite.
"I didn't say you did." She leaned further into me and she shrugged casually, being a little too good at playing my own game.
I stared at her as I took another sip of wine, taking my time, "I don't think she could ever become a stay at home wife, it's obvious." I paused, tempted to say what I was really thinking to prove my point, but still afraid I'd dig my own grave.
"I can't really help you feeling better if you keep deflecting Seb." She sighed as her playful face turned into a more serious one. I could tell she was getting frustrated, her patience almost gone, and I couldn't really blame her.
"Had you ever thought you would've end up flying through three states to follow me?" I asked seriously, risking it because bringing ourselves in this kind of conversation could be dangerous.
She parted her lips, looking taken aback as she blinked her eyes at me. "No...I guess." She answered quietly.
"But you did." I said as I reached for her hand, lifting it to my lips to kiss its palm because no matter how serious the moment was or how it wasn't even really about us, I wanted her to know that not even a day went by without me being happy about the decision she had made. "And Erin could do too, mostly because San Francisco is where her home is."
Aria parted her lips, making the same face she did everytime she was thinking something she wouldn't tell me and I, just as I always did, didn't dare to ask. "We'll figure it out together," She offered instead, giving me a small smile and squeezing my hand.
I sighed and nodded my head, "Yeah."
"All we can do now is be happy for them," She added and let the silence consume us. Neither of us knew what to say or how to handle this. "Do you think they'll have kids?" She asked after a moment, making me cringe at the thought alone. Kids were for couples who really wanted them and who were also able to take care of them properly. Not for two hard working self absorbed people.
"Honestly? I never imagined they'd get this far," I admitted and she nodded.
"I wonder if they'd hire someone to change diapers," She grinned.
I stared at her blankly because really, I couldn't bring myself to joke about the subject. There was nothing funny in my opinion, and god save us from a little Robert or a little Erin. "I hope they never have a baby." I said back seriously.
"Why?" She furrowed her brows, not surprised I was sure but curious anyway.
"Because they'd probably hire someone to change diapers and it'd be bad." I answered and made a face, then sighed, getting up because I was honestly tired of this conversation that led us anywhere but where I didn't want to be. It wasn't even about us, so why made it as if it was? I didn't want to take that risk.
"I don't know from experience but changing diapers is never good." She joked as she smirked at me, her eyes following me.
I walked around the kitchen island and set my hands on  her neck before moving them to her jaw and tilting her head back in my direction to kiss her lips softly. "If you want to have that experience my sister's kid should be available soon."
"Available soon?" Aria raised an eyebrow with a smile on her lips. "Is she planning on renting them out?"
I sighed again but smiled back at her ever so slightly, "You're a real comedian tonight."
"Are they going to visit us?" She asked more seriously, the thought crossing my mind more often lately.
I shrugged, "You tell me. You're the one so close to her."
She rolled her eyes playfully, "They should come visit us. The girls would love Seattle. I could take them to the children's museum or Planet Happy Kids."
I grinned at her words, "Take a breath and remember that Haylie's not really capable of doing anything but cry and go to the bathroom in her diaper."
She stared at me for a moment before laughing, "Then I'll take Julia out and leave you at home with your sister and Haylie."
"Yeah sure, it sounds like a nightmare." I groaned, corking the wine bottle again and putting it in the fridge before grabbing a bottle of water instead. "I'd never trust myself with kids." I added as an afterthought. I never knew how to act around kids, maybe it was just because I never really had any around, but they made me uncomfortable anyway.
"Your sister would be with you." Ar pointed out with a smirk, probably just teasing me. "Haylie would be safe."
I shook my head as I stretched my arm toward her, "Still not happening, you're fogetting an important detail." I said quietly as I waited for her to grab my hand and slide off the stool.
She raised one eyebrow slowly as she looked up at me, "What?"
"I'm Julia's fave." I shot her a small smirk as I lifted our locked hands and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me gently as we walked back to the bedroom. I didn't know Aria's intentions, but for once I was ready to go to bed and sleep.
She smirked back at me, "Then maybe we should leave you with her and your sister and I could talk behind your back while taking a walk with the tiny cutie."
I shook my head again, the thought alone of being with a baby was borderline scary to me. I didn't know how to handle kids, they made me nervous because they were too unpredictable. "I wouldn't survive."