you got me intoxicated

I knocked on the door of Travis' house, the noise of my fist hitting the wood making me cringe as if someone was trying to make my head explode. I felt awful, there was no other way to phrase it and it only got worse as days passed.
"Jax." Lila said in her soft voice as she opened the door, her eyes taking me in. "Trav is not home."
"I know, he's working like a dog. What's new." I muttered under my breath as I made my way inside and almost tripped on the carpet. "Fuck." I cursed.
Lila followed me into the kitchen, her eyes not leaving me for even a moment. "Are you drunk?" She asked after a moment.
"No, hangover." I answered in a groggy voice and sat on a chair by the table, tempted to lay on it.

"Oh Jax." She breathed out, her voice telling more than just my name. There was hurt, sympathy too. She wrapped her arms around me to give me a hug before pulling back with her nose wrinkled. "You smell like you drank a whole winery." She pointed out.
"It wasn't wine." I said back, rubbing my hands over my face.
"What it was?"
I shot her a blank stare, not even trying to remember the blur that replaced the memory of the last night. "I have no idea." I shook my head.
She kept staring at me, nodding her head, "How are you?" She asked and the question was loaded even if it was a simple one.
"Like s.hit." I answered honestly, feeling panic gripping me as I thought about everything was happening to me. I was angry too, sad, but mostly worried. "The mother of my child broke up with me and I don't even know if she's going to keep our baby." I paused, feeling like someone was strangling me. "I swear Lila if she doesn't keep it..." I let my words trail off as I shook my head, not even able to bring myself to consider that option. No that the other one was much better. "I want this baby. It's my baby and I want to be a father, what did I ever do wrong to deserve this? I gave her nothing but love and loyalty and everything I never gave to anyone before. Why is this happening to me?" I reasoned out loud, not knowing where to find answers and not sure I would get any ever.
"I don't know." Lila said softly as she grabbed some medicine and started the coffee maker for me.
"You do too you're her sister." I spat back.
"I am. But Jax trust me when I say I'm on your side here."
"My side?" I looked back at her as she gave me some pills.
"I think Colbie was wrong to break up with you. You're the best thing that ever happened to her and just because this happened to her before with Nick she's running away."
"But it was different with Nick!!" I shouted, tired of all those lame excuses. "Nick didn't love her the way she deserved to be loved and they were kids when she had Will!" I groaned and set my head on the table. "Fuck I miss Will too." I admitted as I thought about how cruel destiny was being. When I had started dating Colbie I was worried Will could be too much for me to handle, that I'd try to keep him at some distance not to have responsabilities while now it all made me feel worse.
"Jax I don't think the idea of not keeping this baby is even going to enter Colbie's mind. That's just not who she is."
"She wouldn't even have to have anything to do with the baby. I'd do everything to have it."
"And what....you'd be a single dad raising a child with your job? You wouldn't tell Will anything about his sibling? That would never work."
"Oh so because I don't have a big fancy job like your brothers or Travis I can't do this right? Plenty of normal people raise kids. If anything your family is the weird one. Who has all that kind of success in one house?!" I retorted, once again feeling that all this was unfair. I could raise my baby alone if I wanted to, I could do it because I'd do anything...but of course I'd never leave Will out.
"Now I know you're just talking out of your ass." She spat. "You are just as capable of being a success but you chose to be just what you are because it works for you and you never needed the extra responsibility. Not because you couldn't do it."
"Well now I have the responsibility of being a father to a child I'm not able to patent."
"Give Colbie some time Jax....she needs to adjust to the idea that she's going through this again."
"No." I said back, quickly and stubbornly because I was sick of waiting, of giving her time.
She raised one eyebrow, "No? That's all?" She asked.
"I waited enough for her. I was patient when she tried to run away the first time we slept together, I was even more patient when she tried to keep a distance from me and I was super patient when she didn't want me to be part of her life completely." I paused to take a deep breath, feeling as if my head was about to explode, "I can't do this anymore, not when a baby is involved."
"I don't think you have any other choice Jax." She said slowly, giving me a look that only depressed me more.
"I'm trying to think all the different possible scenarios and you know what? I see no happy ending anywhere. I'm tired of fighting alone for this relationship and I understand that she's scared, confused, upset...everything she could be. It makes sense, considering her past. But what I really don't understand and don't accept is how she pushed me away, I should be the one she runs to whenever she needs support and I don't give a f.uck if she doesn't do it because of her ex, I can't pay for someone else's faults."
Lila processed my words, deep into her thoughts as she licked her lips before finally speaking. "I understand your frustration Jax but now a baby is part of the equation too and maybe you should be patient once again." She said softly.
"No!" I said again, "That's exactly the point! Before I had no rights to ask for anything from her but now I do. And I'd do anything to make this right. I will do anything."
"You're sleep deprived and hangover you're not seeing things clear." She sighed.
"Are you trying to piss me off?" I groaned, narrowing my eyes on her.
"You're looking exactly like Travis right now. It's creepy." She retorted, but she was completely unaffected and definitely not impressed. That was why Travis loved her and why I loved her too, even if in an innocent way, she wasn't scared to be against the Cole brothers. And that said a lot about her.
I rolled my eyes, ignoring the comment because I knew she meant in a bad way. "I'm not going to make his mistake." I said seriously.
"Not what I meant." She shook her head, her voice soft again as she leaned in and set her hand on my arm, squeezing it, "I have faith in you, Travis does too."
"Then why you can't think I can take care of my baby?" I asked and the tone of my voice as lower, almost normal. "You know how I am Lil. I'm not stupid and I know it'd be hard...and I'd never leave Will out of this, but if this was the only solution I'd take it. It's complicated but it's not my fucking fault." I went on and I was pretty sure I was close to be delirious, even though I was serious too. What hurt the most was that I really loved Colbie so much and she had shut me out instead, only thinking about herself and not considering that what she had inside of her was mine too. Just because I was stronger it didn't meant I didn't have feelings.
"Are you saying its Colbie's fault she got pregnant because it takes two if I remember her health classes correctly."
"Don't be a smartass with me now Lila." I glared at her.
She gave me a soft smile. "I need you to really listen to me right now okay?" I made a noise that sounded more like a growl but she took that as a yes. "No matter what happens between you and Colbie? You are going to be an amazing father." She said and from how glossy her eyes were I could tell she meant it.
"If I get to be one at all." I shook my head. "I don't want to be without her Lila I love her so much."
"She loves you too Jackson I know she does."
"We were in love that morning Lil, everything was fine, we were actually getting somewhere instead of her pulling away from her at every turn. A baby should bring us closer together not drive us apart."
"I agree with you. But this is like déjà vu for Colbie. And that relationship ended really badly. "
"So she should just end this one now?! It doesn't make any sense!!"
"I know. But she's dealing with a lot right now....ever since Nick showed up its even worse-"
"What?!" I spun towards her, I heard nothing about that. What was new I was always the one left out apparently.
"Last week." She swallowed. "He wants joint custody of Will."
I widened my eyes, feeling as if she had just hit me in the face. With a hammer. "Wait...he wants what?!"
"Joint custody of Will." She repeated and deflated even if she looked really angry too.
"The hell he's going to custody of Will." I spat, getting mad for a whole new reason than my future baby. This was my present, Will, the son of the girl I loved and the young man I loved too...or at least I thought it was my present. My future too. "He's never been there for him and he barely recognize him as his father, he hurt him! I can't believe this a.sshole thinks he can get custody after ignoring him for his whole life!"
"Jax." Lila interrupted me softly, "You look like your eyes are about to pop out of your skull."
"That's how I am Lil, I told you. I get mad and protective when someone tries to mess with the people I love." I said seriously, groaning. Then I started thinking more calmly again. "Why didn't she tell me?" I asked a moment later.
"Because..." She trailed off, then shrugged, and I wondered if she didn't really know or she just didn't want to tell me.
"Because that's what she does. She leaves me out." I said as I shook my head, feeling miserable all over again. "She doesn't want my help, I need to get that, and that I can't help her even if I want to."
"I'm sure she would have told you after processing the whole thing." She paused, staring at me, "It's awful Jax, she's going crazy over it and now with your baby it's going to be even more complicated."
"I wish I could un-complicate it, but then again, I can't. And you know why?" I asked even though it was rethorical, watching her shake her head, "Because I'm not the one she goes to when things go to hell. I'd be more than happy to stand by her side and give her all the support she needs, both for my baby and for Will. Before Will I didn't even know I could be a decent father...but being with him made me understand I can and I want to."
"You're right." Lila agreed.
"What?" I snapped but she didn't even flinch.
"I think you're right Jax. I think that you and Will and Colbie are meant to be a family with that little baby and I would like nothing more than to strangle Nick for daring to come back." She sighed. "But I can't make Colbie do anything. She's not really talking to anyone."
"She talked to you enough to know that Nick was there." I muttered.
"Because I was with Parker at the time when she called him asking for his lawyers phone number."
"Which one is Parker?"
"Not the one who acted like a dumbass at the hospital. That's Reece." She grumbled, not looking happy about how his brother had acted.
"The cop." I said, my jaw twitching.
"That's the one." She nodded.
"I didn't care for him." I added, because I was no Travis.
She laughed because. "That's a nice way of putting it." She replied before reaching in to kiss me on the cheek. "You should tell my sister all these things. Tell her you want to be there for her for the good times and the bad times. That you want to be the man she leans on because you love her."
"I've already-"
"Tell her again Jackson! Or are you giving up so easily?" She asked, setting her hands on her hips.
"That's not what this is! I'm not going to force her to love me Lila that's not fair! She deserves better than that."
"Force her?" She widened her eyes at me. "Colbie is head over heels for you. She has been for a really really long time. It's not forcing. You just might have to force her to listen to your words instead of looking at you like she's seeing her ex husband."
"Did she get a laywer?" I asked quietly, ignoring her words.
"Yeah." She nodded. "But I don't know much else."
"How I am supposed to know then?" I asked, shaking my head.
She rolled her eyes, being the typical Lila who looked super young. "Ask her."
I narrowed my eyes on her, "As if she'd ever give me an answer." I retorted and I knew she knew I was right. "Even if I tied her to a chair and threatened her to burn her house down she'd still tell me nothing."
"That'd be extreme." She said and burst into a laugh.
"It's not funny." I sighed and leaned my head against the table, feeling like I was trying to solve a problem with no solution.
"I'm sorry I know it's not." She sighed herself, running her hand up and down my back soothingly, "But I'm worried nervous and exasperated. I needed to laugh."
I turned my head, peeking up at her, "Because you're cute." I told her gently, then frowned, "Too bad your cuteness can't help right now."
It was her turn to ignore me now. "Jax, listen to me for once. Talk to her, let her understand that you're not like Nick."
"She should have understood it already by now." I muttered under my breath.
"Jax." She glared at me.
"She's so damn stubborn. More stubborn than you." I groaned, running my hands through my hair. "Maybe I did everything wrong with her and I shouldn't have been so understanding. I always said yes to her, adapted to her life without even blinking, I accepted everything like she wanted."
"It's because you love her." She said softly.
"Travis loves you too but he'd never act like me." I retorted.
She made a face, "Please don't take him as a role model, okay?"
"I'm going to feel him you said that." I smirked at her but it only lasted a second. I was too desperate to allow myself to joke and be my usual self. "Truth is Lil, I'm scared to talk to her again because if she doesn't change her mind I'll lose her for good and our lives will turn into hell."
"Colbie is emotional right now but she's not stupid." Lila said seriously. "She just...." She sighed. "She had to grow up really fast when she had Will but I think she missed a lot of the things that make you an adult."
"Colbie runs a super successful business and her son is incredible. She's more adjusted than I am." I shook my head.
"Work ethic is something my whole family has kind of perfected and yes, she's an amazing mom because she only ever focused on him. But she only went to one year of college before giving it up to get her realtors licence. She didn't get to be stupid with guys and then learn from her mistakes. Nick is the only thing she has to compare you too and he really fucked her up."
I grumbled, wanting to curse like a sailor but trying not to. "So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that she needs time to figure things out for herself. You know she's still technically married to Nick right? She never pushed him to sign the divorce papers."
"I know.....Lila. Does she still love him?"
She shook her head quickly. "No. She was always way too good for him and I think he knew it. Honestly I'm pretty sure that's why he left her. She was more successful, she had the big family, she's beautiful and got the parenting thing down really fast. But pushing him would require a different kind of confidence. I think really getting that divorce would be admitting to failure on her part. And Colbie doesn't do failure."
"Sometimes you talk like you're a million years old instead of the baby you are." I muttered, my tone have annoyed half amused.
"Yes I'm very wise beyond my years." She agreed, smiling sweetly at me. "Maybe some people might give up but you're not one of them. You're going to have a baby Jax." She said, giving me a soft smile.
"Yeah." I nodded, my eyes wide before I gave her a goofy grin. "I am."
"100 bucks says it'll be a girl and you won't know what to do with her." She teased.
I shot her a blank stare, "Thank you for reminding me that I'm awful with babies, even worse with baby girls." I retorted flatly.
She chuckled, finding that funny. "You just said like 5 minutes ago that you're good with Will."
"I am." I agreed, "Because he's not a baby. He's a teen. But babies...I'm going to be awkward and goofy but I don't care." I shrugged eventually because I knew I'd learn. I had an idea of life which was really simple and I didn't aim for perfection, I knew that mistakes were needed just like I knew that all that matters was for me to do my best.
"You're going to be so cute." She almost squealed as she bit down on her lip.
"Let's not get too happy, shall we?" I winced, "I'm still a single father to be at the moment."
"She'll change her mind." Lila said mosre softly.
"I hope so." I sighed and for the first time I allowed myself to think about someone other than me or Colbie. No one of my family knew about this baby, except for Travis. "I still have to break the news to my parents. To Adam."
She leaned her elbow on the table, tilting her head to the side, "How do you think they'll take it?"
I sighed, because I had no idea. I was no future teller. "It's a complicated situation, but they like Colbie, so...I hope they'll be understanding."
"I'm sure they will be, your parents are amazing." She smiled at me and I could see into her eyes that the love she had for Travis wasn't for him only, it was for our family too. It was serious between them, no matter how Travis didn't see that because of his stubborness. Travis. My brother who had stormed into an hospital room like a fury to have my back while re-living something he had been through too.
"How's Trav?" I asked her, "I talked to him everyday since this craziness started and he seems fine, but...you know. I want to be sure he really is."
"He seems okay. He works best when he's trying to solve peoples problems." Lila shrugged, knowing her man well.
"I fucked up with me too. He was the one who was always there for me and the person I was focused on won't stop pushing me away." I admitted.
"Did you tell him that?"
I nodded. "Not in so many words..." I sighed. "Sometimes I forget he has feelings too he's so....Travis."
She laughed because it was more than true. "He has all the feelings we have, he's just better at hiding them."
"What about your family?"
"My mother is thrilled actually." She admitted. "She wants a houseful of grandkids and Colbie is the only one giving them."
"Even though it was an accident? Even though we aren't together?" I questioned.
She shrugged. "If you think I'm wise than you'll think my mother is the wisest woman on earth. She seems to just know when things will work out."
"I like your mom." I said simply. "Was it the first time Trav had met her in the hosptial?"
She nodded. "It was the first time he'd met any of them besides Colbie and Reece. Well he met Kolton before but that was before he started sleeping with me." She shrugged.
"Eww. Don't talk about my brother that way."
She shoved me. "You're having a damn baby with my sister I'll talk about your brother however I want. We've been together longer anyways."
"You're perfect for him." I said, forcing a smile but meaning it anyway.
"He's perfect for me too." She replied. "My mother said she liked him."
"She met him for two minutes only." I blinked back at her.
"She has a good sense for people." She shrugged.
"Oh? So then why did she let Colbie marry Nick?"
She growled. "She hated Nick. We all did. But Colbie does what she wants to do, and she wanted her family to stay together. Honestly we were all kind of relieved when he left her, the only reason my brothers didn't kick his ass was because they didn't want him going back to her."
"They can still do it now, you know." I retorted with no enthusiasm because this situation sucked anyway. I broke eye contact in favor of looking out the window of the kitchen, feeling exhausted.
"What are you thinking about Jax?" She asked me after a moment.
"I'm tired. And it's not getting any better anytime soon." I sighed, wishing I could fall asleep and wake up when everything would be fine again.
"It has to get worse before it gets better." She winked at me. I didn't say anything back and she lit up all of a sudden. "Did you think about names?"
"What?!" I snorted, "Lila I think it's too early for that."
She shrugged, "I was only trying to make you think about good things."
I smirked at her, genuinely appreciating her effort. "If it's a girl we'll call her Lila the second." I teased her.
She rolled her eyes but chuckled, "God you're so silly."
"If it's a boy we'll go for Travis the terrible." I went on and realized she was right. I needed at least a few hours of relax and positive thoughs. I was in the right place for that.
"Travis would love that." She nodded as she faked a serious face before breaking into a grin.
I smiled at her more genuinely, "Thank you for being a great friend Lil." I told her softly.
She smiled back at me, "You're welcome. I hope one day you'll be my brother in law."
I furrowed my brows, "As I'm going to marry Colbie or you're going to marry Travis? I suggest you not to bring that up with him." I teased her again.
She laughed, "Either."
"Can I stay for dinner? I could use some company and some real food."
"Aren't you pushing it now?" She widened her eyes.
I winked at her, relieved that I had people to count on. I wasn't going to tell her that, but Lila was already like a sister to me. "I take it as a yes."