i don't feel right when you're gone away

I paced my living room like a mad woman. On the one hand seeing Jax made my heart ache, but on the other I loved to have him near me no matter how much it hurt. What was wrong with me? And not only that I was now a nervous wreck to tell my son I was pregnant. Lord knew it wasn't the best parenting to have a baby with a man I was no longer with. I saw Jax's truck pulling up and opened the door before they even got to ring the bell.
"Hi mom."

"Colbie." Jax said quietly, wearing my best straight face.
"Hey." I said softly noticing the circles under his eyes.
"Can Jax come inside for just a little while? Please?" Will asked, his eyes begging me. Honestly I wouldn't have said no even if I hadn't already planned for him to come in.
"Yeah." I nodded. Will hugged me tight which was something he hadn't done for a few days and I squeezed him back.
"Yay! Thanks mom!"
"We actually need to talk to you for a second is that okay?" He nodded as he put his bag down on the couch and sat next to it.
"Okay. But Jax said it was okay if we still hung out mom so-"
"This isn't about that Will. If you want to spend time with Jax you can." I replied, knowing that Will was probably going to be seeing a lot of Jax from now on anyways. Which meant I was too. I didn't know how I felt about that. Jax and I had happened so fast that I hadn't really processed that we were over. Every time I saw him I was happy because I loved him and when I saw his face for a second I forgot that we were broken up but about to raise a child together. And then I remembered and wanted to cry.
"Good." He mumbled as I sat down in the love seat across from the couch and looked up to Jax to see if he wanted to sit too. He did, but he sat in the chair instead of sitting next to me.
"We do have something else to talk about though kid." Jax said, ignoring the little pout I was sure had appeared when he hadn't sat next to me.
"Okay." Will nodded and lookd intently at us.
"Will..." I took a deep breath. I was pretty sure there wasn't really a class on how to tell your 12 year old you were going to have a baby with a man who you just broke up with. Probably because that would be labeled under bad parenting.
"Have you ever wanted to be a brother?" Jax asked, easing into the conversation so easily it shocked me. Will shrugged.
"Maybe. Rob says Poppy is annoying. But I think she's funny." I gave my son a soft smile. "Plus mom has lots of brothers and Lila."
"That's true. I love being in a big family." I admitted.
"Do you like having brothers?" Will asked Jax and he gave him a smile that almost stopped my heart it was so gorgeous.
"I do. Even if they're both not as smart or handsome as I am." He winked and I bit my tongue so I wouldnt laugh while Will rolled his eyes.
"I'm telling Coach you said that." He replied. Jax laughed and again my stomach flipped. He really loved Will and I could feel how much he already loved our daughter. "I guess it would be cool to have a brother or sister." He said finally.
"Well I'm glad you said that. Because you're going to." I said finally. "I'm pregnant Will. You're going to have a baby sister." Will's eyes widened and he looked from me to Jax. He gave him a smile that was clearly forced.
"You're going to make an amazing big brother and your sister will be lucky to have you." Will blinked back at him, confusion on his face that looked so much like my brothers at his age.
"A sister...wow. Did you pick a name?" Jax glanced at me since we hadn't spoken about it and it was definitley something we had to decide forever. I'd always had a list of names I'd like for a baby girl but none of them felt right.
"Not yet." I said quietly.
"I like Ruby." Will suggested, furrowing his brows. I widened my eyes since I'd never even thought of the name but once he said it I felt warm in my stomach.
"I like it too." Jax approved, but before I could have time to cry about that Will widened his eyes to look at me. "Is that why you're always sick mom?"
"Yes baby." I nodded.
"That's good, I was worrying for you." He breathed out, looking genuinely relieved. But something told me the worst wasn't over. "Jax told me sometimes people break up because they don't want the same thing anymore...didn't you want the baby?" He added, his voice changing.
"No Will, I want this baby and I love her so much already." I said, quickly shaking my head.
"Did you dump him because he didn't want her?" He went on asking, turning to Jax and looking mad. "Is that so Jax?"
"No Will, I'm really happy to become a father." he said honestly. I felt like my whole body and soul were breaking. He slumped on the couch, shaking his head.
"Then why? I don't understand...why can't we be a family?" He asked softly.
"We'll be a family, just an unconventional one."
"I'm already in an unconventional family Jax." Will snapped back. "Did you know my dad wants to spend more time with me? He hasn't talked to me in 5 years."
"I know." Jax nodded while I tried to keep my hormones from getting the best of me.
"Will I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do."
"You were more of a dad to me than he ever was!" Will yelled. "Don't you love my mom anymore?!" I felt my heart breaking all over again as Jax swallowed and nodded.
"Of course I do." He whipped his head back to me.
"So what? You don't love him anymore? That's what dad did to us how could you do that to Jax?!" It felt like a knife went through my body as his words hit me. I hadn't cheated on Jax, but Will was right. When things got hard I walked away from everything he was offering me. A family, a life together, love and happiness. All because I was too fu.cking scared of messing up again.
"Love doesn't just go away like that Will. I still love Jax." I admitted, keeping an eye out for the look on his face. "But adult relationships are complicated..." I trailed off, not wanting to just admit that I was a fuc.king nutcase and beg Jax to take me back in front of my son.
"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." Will retorted, crossing his arms over his chest."Can't you talk to her?" he asked Jax.
"There's not really anything left to say." Jax shrugged as if he had totally given up, and with that, my heart broke the rest of the way. I was a fool.
"I'm going to my room. Can I tell Rob about Ruby?" he asked me and I felt my stomach flip. I had been thinking about names in my head but couldn't find one that fit until my son opened his mouth. Such a smart boy.
"Sure." I nodded. "If it's okay with you." I told Jax.
"Yeah that's okay." He nodded. "Do you like the name Ruby?"
"Ruby Cole?" I smiled. "Its nice don't you think?" Jax's eyes widened and I wished like hell I knew what he thought.
"It's a good name!" Will said so seriously I almost laughed at how cute he was. We both watched as Will walked upstairs, then Jax looked over at me.
"Well...I guess I'm going." he announced.
"Jax." I stopped him, needing to talk about something. "I...are you sure you like Ruby?"
"Positive." he nodded and I believed it in the conviction in his voice.
"We should probably pick a middle name too." I added quietly, awkwardness drowning in the room.
"I don't care about middle names." Jax said, shaking his head as he ran his hands through his hair. I swallowed and stared down at my hands.
"Oh. I guess no middle name then." I muttered. God I'd made such a mess of things. I wished so hard I could rewind time. To be happy about the birth of our daughter and celebrate with him rather than pushing away.
"No Colbie you can pick one." he told me as calmly as possible, "It's just that I have other things to think about now."
Okay." I said eventually, not really knowing anything else to say.
"Look, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry if the other day I lost it and said things I didn't mean, if I was mean and an asshole. I really am sorry and I promise you it won't happen again, even if we're not together you're still the mother of my daughter and you need to be treated with respect." I nodded, and bit down on my lip to keep the tears from falling.
"Yeah I'm sorry too." I paused to take a deep breath. "I'm going to let you see our kids as much as you want, I'd never keep you out of their lives."
"Our kids?" Jax echoed me.
"You heard Will, right?" I asked, my own voice cracking.
"I'm sorry I can't give him all he wants, but I really love him and I'll do all I can for him. For Ruby too, of course...I don't them to feel as if there's a difference between them just because they don't have the same father."
I felt the tears fall down my face at his words, knowing I'd never meet another man as wonder of as him if I lived 3 lives.
"Colbie.." I wiped my face with the back of my hand and shook my head.
"I'm sorry I cry for everything these days." I sighed. "You're so lucky you'll never be pregnant." Jax gave me a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Are you sure you don't want a middle name?"
"She can have one. I just never thought about it." He shrugged.
"What's your middle name?" I asked. "Oh my god I'm having your baby and I don't know your middle name." Jackson laughed a little for real this time.
"I don't have one. None of us do."
"Oh. Well Will does...so she probably should..." I trailed off.
"What's Will's?" Jax asked, and I was impressed we were able to hold on this much of a conversation.
"Henry."
"Your dad's name." Jax nodded and again I was impressed by how much he remembered every detail of what I'd said to him.
"Yeah."
"What's yours?"
"Rae. Lila's too." I replied.
"Colbie Rae. It suits you." He looked up and licked his lips. "You told Will you still loved me." He said after what felt like 8 years of silence.
"I know." I nodded. "I didn't break up with you because I didn't love you." Jax took a step forward and looked down at me, eyes blazing with an emotion I couldn't quite read.
"Why did you?"
"Because I'm a coward." I said, finally admitting up to my failures. I was getting my shi.t together one way or another, and this was a step in the right direction.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I got scared and the easiet thing to do was push you away and pretend like it wasn't happening. But that doesn't solve anything it just makes it worse. I made a mistake Jax."
"Colbie..."
"I'm serious. I never should have walked away from you."
"You're saying this because of what Will said, because of hormones and-" I stopped him, holding up my hand.
"I'm saying this because it's true. I fu.cked us up. I made a bigger mistake with you than I ever made with Nick. With him I was settling. With you I walked away from a man who made me happy. And I'm sorry." Jax took a deep breath, his eyes closing as if this was just making it worse.
"Yeah I'm sorry too."
"I know that you-"
"Colbie stop." he cut me off, shaking his head. "I can't hear you talking right now."
"Why? We can't be parents if we can't even talk." I said in a small voice.
"It's not what I meant. We can talk, of course, we'll have to talk if we want to have a chance to make this work...but right now, hearing you admit that you made a mistake, when it's too late...I just can't. I'm sorry, I can't. I appreciate what you said and I'm trying not to hold grudges or have hard feelings towards you but it's too early. I don't have a switch to turn my emotions off and believe it or not, even if I'm not pregnant, I'm going through a lot too." he explained and I knew he was right.
"I understand that."
"Thank you." he exhaled, and then changed the subject. "I promised Will we'd spend a whole night together soon. Is it okay for you?"
"Yeah, I already told you." I answered simply.
"You can pick the day...I don't know, maybe one when you can go out with Lila if you don't want to stay alone-" he cut himself off. "Sorry. What you want to do isn't any of my business. Just tell me a day that works for you and I'll make it work for me too."
"I guess any day is fine." I said back trying to mask the emotions and block them out. I wanted to run to him, to beg him, to hold him. But if it hurt him? I wouldn't try to hurt him anymore. Ever.
, "Good. Also let me know when you have to go to the doctor again so I can come with you. If you don't mind, of course."
"Of course." I agreed
"I'll talk to you soon then." I nodded, my whole body wanting more, wanting his arms around me and his sweet words whispered into my hair.
"Yeah." Tell him, even if it's too late. "Jackson?" He looked up as he reached my door. "I miss you." He sighed and shook his head as he looked down at his feet.
"I miss you too Colbs." he replied, but didn't say anything else as he walked out the door. I blinked back the tears because I was really sick of crying.
"If you miss him why don't you just be his girlfriend again?" Will's voice came from the top of the stairs. I sighed. Will was right, but I was afraid I'd already screwed everything up too bad.
"I really hurt his feelings when I broke up with him Will. I don't think he would want to take a chance on me again." Will's eyes widened at my honesty.
"But Lila and Travis broke up and they got back together!!! And Lila was super hurt I remember." I sat next to Will on the stairs and he cuddled into my side.
"Is there anything that you don't notice?" Will shook his head.
"My teacher says I'm extremely observant." he looked at me for a second. "When do I get to meet Ruby?"
"We still have a few months to go." I kissed the top of his head and he made a face.
"We're going to need a bigger house mom. I don't want to share a room with a girl even if she's my sister." I laughed out loud and nodded.
"Deal."