why are we losing time?

I propped my elbow on my desk and leaned my cheek against my fist as I stared at the screen of my laptop blankly, the ringing of skype already annoying me while I wondered why Aria wasn't answering. Was she sleeping already? I did the math in my head quickly, considering the 8 hours separating London from San Francisco and me from her. It had been like this for a little longer than one week now but there was no way I could get used to this, not the time difference, not having her so far. And still, there I was, alone in my old house, with another week to spend away from my wife. I kept repeating to myself that it was needed, and it was, despite how much I had grown used to know and love London, I was missing my job so much I was going crazy. It wasn't just that, the biggest problem was that I couldn't see my future, I had no idea of was my path to follow this time, and that for me was unacceptable. Everything had to be under control, my control. 

The first two months I had tried not to think about it, to take it as time to myself to relax and think, time to do something for Aria and it had worked fine. She went filming and I explored the city until I knew every corner of it, I read more books than I had had in my whole life, I went hiking, I visited museums, I had done all the things I had never done before because I was too busy with work. Then Aria came back to the place we had gotten accustomed to call home and my day got better, I listened to her and spoiled her, focusing on her only until it was time to sleep and then morning, when it started all over again. But that wasn't me and at some point I had started getting frustrated, annoyed, even mad sometimes. Aria and I had tried talked about it, only I thought there wasn't much to talk about since no one had a solution, so we had ended up stopping talking, our marriage suffering because of that. So I had left, deciding that I couldn't wait a day longer to have some sort of revelation about my life, I was a man of action and I had to remember myself that failing wasn't an action. Truth was, I was a perfectionist and couldn't accept the fact that I hadn't liked my last movie. But I had to get over it.

"Seb." Aria's voice broke the silence of the room as her face appeared on the screen.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and a small smile curved my lips at the view of her beautiful face, my hands itching to touch her and my whole body hating not to have her with me. "Hey gorgeous." I said eventually.

She scrunched up her nose and rubbed her hands over her face, "I don't feel gorgeous tonight. I had a long day." She muttered, not being her usual cheerful self. And I knew it was my fault too, even though we hadn't argued aboutme flying to the other side of the ocean we both knew it wasn't exactly ideal for Aria. I had read it on her face when I had told her, I had read it again and even better when she had dropped me at the airport.

I took a few seconds to studying her expression, even if it was hard doing that through too many laptop screens, "You look tired baby." I said quietly, leaning my back against the chair, "But still gorgeous."

"How can I look gorgeous if I look tired?" She asked back, eyebrow rised and stubborn expression in place.

"You're welcome." I said flatly, "Tell me about your day." I added, respecting our routine that had been formed during our London stay.

She licked her lips as she pulled her hair up in a messy bun, a crease forming between her brows as she thought. "This morning I had to go pick the dress for the premiere of the movie." She started and her face lit up a little, shopping was one of her favorite hobbies and it was no secret. 

I smirked, imagining her going crazy, "How did that go?" I asked, wondering how much of her skin would be exposed this time. 

She frowned, "I couldn't pick just one dress so now I'm torn between two." She said, being silly. "I could have used your help." She added, making it sound like she was teasing me when I knew she was only pointing out that I wasn't there with her. As if I could forget.

"Show me some pictures and I'll help." I shrugged, finding a solution that was quick and easy.

"Maybe I'll surprise you instead." She said back, changing her mind already and making me want to groan.

"As you want baby." I told her quietly, "No matter what you'll wear, you'll be beautiful."

She broke into a grin as she shot me a suspicious look, "Is it my birthday? So many compliments today."

I grinned with her and shook my head, "You really have to learn how to take compliments." I said, using the words she always said to me instead.

She chuckled, then her expression changed suddenly, shadows in her eyes as she kept them on me, "You're coming to the premiere, right?" She asked, her tone uncertain as if she wasn't sure I would. 

She didn't have enough faith in me, and maybe I even deserve it, but it wasn't time for me to point that out, not when we were so far, even though I was tempted to ask her what kind of husband she thought I was. I wasn't the best, I wasn't the worst either. "Of course baby, I wouldn't miss the chance to make everyone jealous because I have you for anything in the world." I told her, my tone both playful and serious, because even though I was trying to make the moment lighter, I meant my words too. I supported Aria and her career, and no matter how much I didn't like being too public with her, I knew where my place was and sometimes it was good that people knew that too. 

She rolled her eyes but a playful smirk was on her lips, which meant that for once I had been able to use my words in the right way. Or maybe she knew I was bad but got used to that. "Are you going to wear a tux?" She asked instead, not commenting what I had just said and focusing on the silly side, which was probably for the best since she often said I was too serious, for both of us.

"Do I have a choice?" I asked and faked a sigh, happy that I had just given her something positive to think about, even if I wasn't doing anything big.

"No because you care about your appearances and wouldn't ever wear something inappropriate on a red carpet situation." She retorted quietly as a matter of fact, yawning a moment later.

I felt my smirk widen as I looked at her, really wishing I could take her in my arms right now. "You should really go to bed babe." I said eventually.

She shook her head like the stubborn girl she was, "Not yet. I'm not done telling you about my day." She explained and her face got serious, something that didn't happen much, unless I was in trouble. I hope this wasn't the case.

I tried to think what I could have done wrong, but except for leaving her alone for a while, I couldn't recall anything else. "I'm all ears." I looked at her face on the screen, feeling a little nervous as I leaned back in my chair.

"I went to the doctor too." She breathed out, pausing when I raised one brow and questioned her silently, "To the gynecologist."

The word hit me hard, making alarms ring in my head. "Why? Is it something wrong? You didn't tell me anything." I started asking, already ready to jump to conclusion and get mad because she had left me out whatever was going on.

"Don't worry I'm not pregnant." She said flatly, giving me a look that could make holes in my laptop screen. 

I couldn't help letting out a breath of relief, even though to be realistic the chances of her being pregnant were zero and I knew it. "That doesn't tell me why you went." I retorted, my face straight.

"Because every woman needs to go at least once a year and because lately my period was really irregular." She explained with a shrug of her shoulders.

I nodded, finally relaxing again because Aria's health was my concern too. "Yeah, that makes sense." I commented shortly because the girl universe was something I didn't know much about, "So, what did she say?"

"Why are you assuming the gyn was a woman?" She asked back and her teasing grin was back in place.

"Because you know better than piss me off." I said flatly, not amused at all.

"Well, she said it's because I've been on the pill for so long now and I should have taken a few breaks during the last years but I didn't." She told me and all I could do was listen, "So I'm taking a break now. I can't take any more homones for a while."

I processed her words. That meant only one thing. Fucking awful condoms. "How long is a while?" I asked, keeping my fingers crossed that it could be...a week. Just in time for me to go back to her.

"A month or two." She answered back and from the look on her face I knew she knew the kind of reaction she'd get from me.

I pursed my lips together, wanting to curse because that was a very long time. "Okay babe, as long as you're fine." I said instead.

It was her turn to raise her eyebrow, giving me a skeptical look, "Really? That easy?"

"This is about your health, there's nothing else I can say." I told her honestly, because rationally, that was how things were, "We won't have sex for a month or two." I added, teasing her.

That made her lit up again, I missed having those moments when we were both relaxed. "Ha! As if you could resist thst long."

"I'll fuck your ass only?" I suggested, making her roll her eyes, then grinned wide, "I'm looking for a solution here."

She shook her head, sighing, "We'll see when you'll be back. If you'll ever come back."

"Of course I'll come back." I said back flatly, not hiding my annoyance even if she was just teasing me. It wasn't funny.

"What will you do today?" She asked, ignoring my swing of mood completely.

I glanced at my apple watch, which had been Aria's present for no reason at all. She was that precious and knew I was crazy for anything technologic. "I'm supposed to see Erin in a couple minutes."

"You'll be late." She pointed out, a pout on his pink lips.

"She's coming over, so no." I shook my head, "But thank you for worrying."

She grinned then covered her mouth as she yawned, making an adorably cute face, "Tell her I said hi."

"I will babe. Go to sleep now...I'll talk to you tomorrow." I told her, getting that weird feeling I got everytime we closed the conversation. It was like...I didn't even know how to explain it. Guilt? Restlessness? Who knew, but I didn't like it. "I miss you." I added.

She gave me a sweet smile, "I miss you too." She told me softly before blowing me a kiss. "Have a nice day."

"Night Ar." I said then everything went dead. I leaned back into my chair, letting out a deep breath as I stared balnkly at my laptop. What the fuck was I doing with my life? Aria was my only security, and I'd better not fuck that up too. Things were just so hard and complicated lately.

"You look dperessed." Erin's sarcastic voice cut into my thoughts.

That got her a glare. "Where's my coffee?" I asked her.

She raised one eyebrow at me, "Am I your slave?" She asked back, I didn't even bother answering. "Kitchen." She sighed.

"Thank you." I said as I got up, heading to the other room and grabbing both our coffees before walking out on the small balcony on the back of my victorian house.

We both took a seat, her eyes looking for mine while I sipped my coffee, "So, what's the matter?"

"Good Morning Erin, yes, I'm fine, how are you?" I told her sarcastically, but she was used to that.

"I already know how you are, it's written on your face." She rolled her eyes and I loved that she went straight to the point, had no filters. She was a hell of a woman.

"And what are you reading?" I asked, curious because I usually didn't give away much.

"You look like you've been thinking too much." She paused as she kept her eyes on me, "You don't look good."

"Is that why you came here? To compliment me?" I retorted, fishing a packet of cigarette out of the pocket of my sweats and feeling her judge me. I couldn't care less.

"I came here because you asked me to. To talk about work. And Aria, even if you didn't say that." She answered slowly. I lit the cigarette and she rolled her eyes, "Again with that s.hit Seb? Really?"

"Give me a f.ucking break Erin, I have a lot to think about." I groaned, not hiding my annoyance.

She leaned back in her seat, not looking surprised. "See I was right. I always am."

I ignored her because I was always the right one instead. She was right a lot but I wasn't going to tell her that. "I talked to Aria earlier, she says hi." I said instead.

"Uhm." She muttered unintelligently and swallowed her coffee, "Still troubles in paradise?"

I shot her a blank stare. She was in a great mood today, just like me. "We don't have any damn problem." I groaned, taking a drag of smoke.

"Sure, that's why you're here and she's on the other side of the world." She retorted, always knowing the buttons to push.

"I'm here because of work." I pointed out and I meant it. Aria had nothing to do with this.

She squared her shoulders and crossed her legs, putting her business face on. "All right then. Let's talk about work." She announced.

I looked away, staring at nothing and feeling defeated all over again. "I'm still lost." I admitted, even if it was hard for me, but I trusted Erin. She had always been by my side through my darkest moment and now it was no exception.

"You should just start somewhere. Even a small project. But enough doing nothing Seb, this is not you and it's ruining you." She said seriously, never sugarcoating the truth.

I turned my head to narrow my eyes on her, putting my cigarette out and promising to myself I'd finish that packet then I was done smoking for good. "Don't you think I know that?"

"But what if it's the wrong one? What if it turns out bad like my last one?" She argued, using the word I had in my mind, knowing me perfectly, "Since when you're afraid to fail?"

"Since it happened." I retorted harshy.

She rolled her eyes, "So dramatic. you're too hard on yourself-"

"Aria says that too." I cut her off.

"Can I talk?" She raised a brow and I groaned in response. Damn this woman was impossible. "The movie wasn't as good as you expected because the book was awful. No one is blaming it on you, you did all you could as a director. Stop beating yourself over it."

I ignored her once again, even if I knew she was right. It still didn't make me feel better. "What should I do instead, tell me, since you have all the fucking answers."

"Talk to Rob, he has something going on and I think he wants you with him." She explained, his voice quiet and serious again. "He told me not to tell you anything but you know." She shrugged, "I need you to work or I'll have to quit my job."

I widened my eyes, then recovered. What was she talking about. I could never find another assistant, not one like Erin. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. I'm becoming your therapist and even if I don't mind that, I'd like to have my boss yelling at me and using me like his slave on the set." She told me with a teasing grin.

"Nothing would make me happier." I said back and grinned, genuinely happy to hear her say that.

"You should also pick a city and decide where to live, you can't play the little explorer your whole life." She added and this time I didn't like her words.

"Now you sound like Aria." I pointed out.

She nodded, "She's a smart girl. You're not getting any younger Seb, you got married, now you should take the next step."

I rolled my eyes, "Which is? Babies and a house?" I asked sarcastically.

She smirked at me, tilting her head to the side and not hiding her amusement, "Not in that order."

"You should think about yourself, how long have you been engaged to Rob? Forever?" I asked even if I knew I wasn't playing fair. It was her fault, not mine.

She just stared back at me with that sassy expression of hers plastered on her face. "Excuse me but not everyone has the luxury to just elope in some paradise." She retorted, never missing a beat. 

"Why not? Robert has the money and if you want I can give the number of someone who's frat at organizing everything." I grinned at her, talking about her since she had been to make everything work. Under my command, of course. 

She rolled her eyes, not impressed at all. "Hilarious Seb." She said flatly. "Oh and by the way? Thank you for inviting me." 

I groaned this time, "I did. At the party. But you said no because you're rude like that." 

"Oh I would have loved nothing more than seeing you glare at Aria's dad." She smirked and looked pretty satisfied with herself. I could never win with her. 

"Do you want to argue Erin?" I asked her in monotone, staring blankly at her. 

"No." She sighed and her expression turned normal again. "Enough being assholes. Just take your decisions Mr Pitt and go on with your life without losing your amazing wife in the process. You two already fucked up way too many times and I'd be sad if I saw you doing that all over again."

"Oh Erin has a heart too, shocking." I teased her even though I really valued her words. She was right. I couldn't afford that. "But I will. Thank you."