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I headed to the parking lot as soon as the game ended. I was trying to fall into some routine that would make my life stable, that wouldn't make me think too much about the fact that the woman I thought was the love of my life was expecting my daughter but she didn't want me. So I kept myself busy, with family and friends, I helped Travis with the team, but it was still hard. So damn hard there were days I wished I didn't wake up. Then I got mad at myself, I remembered that it wasn't the right state of mind for a man who was about to become a father, a man who had to work hard to create a decent future for his baby girl.
"Jax!!!"

I tuned around and saw Will run after me, so I stopped. "Hey." I smiled at him, still not sure about to act with him but super sure I didn't want to disappear from his life just because his mother was out of her damn mind. "Do you need a ride home?" I asked, finding it odd that he wasn't with Rob.
"No...yes." He answered in a breathy voice.
I raised one eyebrow at him, "Yes or not?"
"I was supposed to go with Adam but then I saw you..." He trailed off and shrugged, "Can we go get a soda or something?"
I blinked at him, a little surprised, then I recovered. This was what I wanted after all. "Were you supposed to go home?" I asked back instead and he nodded, "Mom is home, waiting for you, if you don't go home she'll worry."
"I don't care." He spat, his face turning angry.
"Will." I warned him, because no matter how disappointed or upset or heartbroken I was, I was still a reasoning adult. "Call her."
"Fine." He said flatly as we headed to the closest cafe and I saw him moving his fingers fast on his phone. "I texted her." He added.
"What's up Will?" I asked him as we walked to a booth, my eyes on his face that wasn't as cheerful as it usually was.
He leaned back against his seat, "I'm mad at mom."
I tried to keep the straightest face possible, I had no intention to turn him against his own mother. "How come?" I asked before ordering two cokes.
"She's weird...she's always sad and moody, she eats a lot and even gained some weight, but she gets sick a lot too." He paused, looking at me with those eyes that were so much like Colbie's. He was dark haired, his features made him look more similar to his father, but his eyes were just like his mom's eyes.
"It happens, just take care of her." I told him softly, knowing how good of a son he was. And also guessing he didn't know she was expecting.
"I don't understand." He shook his head, "She's so sad without you but she was the one who left you! It's so stupid!"
I swallowed, tempted to agree but I couldn't. "It's not stupid, it's complicated. You'll understand it better when you'll be older."
He took a sip of his coke, "I want to understand now. I don't like how she is without you."
His words broke my heart all over again. Even if this wasn't my fault, I still felt terribly guilty. "Sometimes even if two people really love each other they can't stay together." I told him, trying to say something that made sense without making Colbie look bad, "Because at some point they don't get along anymore, their personalities don't fit...there could be many reasons."
"And what's yours?" He asked, staring at me.
I cleared my throat. "We didn't want the same things anymore." I managed to say.
"She didn't want them, she dumped you!" He pointed out, sounding hungry again.
"It's not her fault. It happens Will." I shook my head as I rolled my glass between my hands. I had no idea of what Colbie had told him, but my guess was that she had told him nothing.
"I miss having you around. I liked you." He confessed in a low voice.
"I like you too. I care about you, we can hang out anytime you want." I told him and smiled at him, meaning it, but also feeling so fucking sad. Maybe Travis had been right since day one, only it as too late now.
"I'd like that." He said back and seemed to be relieved. I was too.
My phone rang in that moment. It was Colbie. "Yes?" I answered.
"Are you with Will?" She asked, sounding like she was panicking.
"Yeah, he's with me." I eyed him, watching him roll his eyes.
"He doesn't know about the baby." She breathed out.
"I guessed. Don't worry." I told her as calmly as possible, only for Will's benefit.
"Can we tell him together? When you'll get him back home?" She asked me.
I was tempted to groan, to tell her no, that it was her mess to clean but I had promised to myself I was going to be as mature as possible. For Will. For my daughter. "Okay. We'll be there soon." I ended the conversation.
Will shot me a questioning look, "Do we have to go?" He asked and I nodded, "Already?!"
"Next time we can do something more than this. Pizza and videogames." I promised him, paying and getting up, "Now mom needs you."
He let out a sigh, following me to my car and kicking everything he found on his way. "Okay." He said flatly.
Once we were in the car, I started feeling nervous. I wasn't ready for this, I didn't know what to say, how to break the news to Will, and having Colbie hating me didn't help. "Your mom loves you, don't be mad at her. And I love you too." I said after a moment.
"I know." He nodded, looking out the window, "But I really liked you for her. You made her happy."
"She already has you and that's her main reason to be happy." I smiled at him, even if I wanted to hit my head against the steering wheel.
"Meh." He replied like a silly kid before I parked in front of their house and we got out my car. I felt like death. Colbie opened the door before we even knocked, she looked awful. Still beautiful though. "Hi mom."
"Colbie." I said quietly, wearing my best straight face.
"Hey." Colbie said softly, making me hope maybe she was calmer than the last time I had seen her.
"Can Jax come inside for just a little while? Please?" Will asked, his eyes begging her.
"Yeah." She nodded.
Will hugged her tight which was something that made me understand how important I was for this kid already. It was weird how I had worried about not getting too involved while now I was willing to be that involved instead. I was discovering a paternal side I didn't know I had. "Yay! Thanks mom!"
"We actually need to talk to you for a second is that okay?"
He nodded as he put his bag down on the couch and sat next to it. "Okay. But Jax said it was okay if we still hung out mom so-"
"This isn't about that Will. If you want to spend time with Jax you can." She replied, for once saying the right thing. If we were going to raise this girl together I'd see Colbie a lot, at least for the first ten years of our daughter's life, and I was going to see Will a lot too, no matter if Colbie and I weren't a couple.
"Good." He mumbled as Colbie sat down in the love seat across from the couch and looked up to me to see if I wanted to sit too.
I did, but I sat in the chair instead of sitting next to her, I couldn't stand haveing her so close yet so far. "We do have something else to talk about though kid." I said, ignoring the little pout had appeared on Colbie's lips.
"Okay." Will nodded and lookd intently at us.
"Will..." Colbie took a deep breath, but seemed at loss of words.
"Have you ever wanted to be a brother?" I asked, easing into the conversation because it coudln't wait a second longer.
Will shrugged.  "Maybe. Rob says Poppy is annoying. But I think she's funny."
His mom gave him a soft smile. He added.
"Plus mom has lots of brothers and Lila."
"That's true. I love being in a big family." She admitted.
"Do you like having brothers?" Will asked Jax me.
I gave him a smile, my brothers were everything. "I do. Even if they're both not as smart or handsome as I am." I winked while Will rolled his eyes.
"I'm telling Coach you said that." He replied. I laughed, trying to make the moment lighter. "I guess it would be cool to have a brother or sister." He said finally.
"Well I'm glad you said that. Because you're going to." Colbie said finally. "I'm pregnant Will. You're going to have a baby sister."
Will's eyes widened and he looked from her to me.
I forced a smile even if I was freaking out inside. This was the moment of truth. "You're going to make an amazing big brother and your sister will be lucky to have you."
He blinked at me, confusion on his face. "A sister...wow. Did you pick a name?"
I glanced at Colbie, because I had thought about it but that was one of the many things we were supposed to decide together, too bad we didn't even talk instead. "Not yet." She said quietly but looked nervous like hell.
"I like Ruby." He suggested, furrowing his brows.
"I like it too." I approved, also liking how he was wrapping his head around the news.
Then he widened his eyes and looked at Colbie. "Is that why you're always sick mom?"
"Yes baby." She nodded.
"That's good, I was worrying for you." He breathed out, looking genuinely relieved. I wasn't instead, I was only waiting for the shit to hit the fan. And it did. "Jax told me sometimes people break up because they don't want the same thing anymore...didn't you want the baby?" He added, his voice changing.
Colbie shook her head quickly, "No Will, I want this baby and I love her so much already."
I was petrified.
"Did you dump him because he didn't want her?" He went on asking, turning to me and looking mad. "Is that so Jax?"
"No Will, I'm really happy to become a father." I said honestly.
He slumped on the couch, shaking his head, "Then why? I don't understand...why can't we be a family?" He asked and broke my heart.
"We'll be a family, just an unconventional one." I tried even though I didn't believe to my own words. I wanted what he wanted too.
"I'm already in an unconventional family Jax." Will snapped back. "Did you know my dad wants to spend more time with me? He hasn't talked to me in 5 years."
"I know." I nodded, feeling genuinely bad for him. But there were things I could do nothing about.
"Will I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do."
"You were more of a dad to me than he ever was!" Will yelled. "Don't you love my mom anymore?!"
I swallowed and nodded. "Of course I do."
He whipped his head back to Colbie. "So what? You don't love him anymore? That's what dad did to us how could you do that to Jax?!"
"Love doesn't just go away like that Will. I still love Jax." She admitted, breaking my heart once again. I'd rather hear her say she didn't love me anymore, it would've made more sense. "But adult relationships are complicated..." She trailed off.
"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." Will retorted, crossing his arms over his chest. "Can't you talk to her?" He asked me.
"There's not really anything left to say." I shrugged. I had tried to convince Colbie that we needed to be together but truth was, when you needed to convince someone to be with you it meant there's no reason to get together really. If she didn't want me, she didn't want me, we were done and the only thing to do was to accept that and move on.
"I'm going to my room. Can I tell Rob about Ruby?" He asked Colbie.
"Sure." She nodded. "If it's okay with you." She told me.
"Yeah that's okay." I nodded. "Do you like the name Ruby?"
"Ruby Cole?" She smiled while I was almost shocked to hear my last name. Ruby Cole, my daughter. It was unbelievable. "It's nice don't you think?"
"It's a good name!" Will said seriously.
I watched as Will walked upstairs, then glanced at Colbie. Now that her son was out of the room, it was time for me to disappear too. "Well...I guess I'm going." I announced.
"Jax." She stopped me, "I...are you sure you like Ruby?"
"Positive." I nodded and even if I wasn't using many words I meant it.
"We should probably pick a middle name too." She added quietly, awkwardness downing in the room.
I shook my head, running my hands through my hair, "I don't care about middle names."
She swallowed and looked down at her intertwined fingers, "Oh. I guess no middle name then." She muttered, killing me because I couldn't see her like this. I couldn't see her period. No matter how mad I was, my love was still more than my anger. And it was a problem.
"No Colbie you can pick one." I told her as calmly as possible, "It's just that I have other things to think about now."
She opened her mouth then closed it, the look on her face unreadable. "Okay." She said eventually.
"Look, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry if the other day I lost it and said things I didn't mean, if I was mean and an a,sshole. I really am sorry and I promise you it won't happen again, even if we're not together you're still the mother of my daughter and you need to be treated with respect." I said as I stared at her.
She nodded, biting down on her lip as her eyes got glossy. "Yeah I'm sorry too." She paused to take a deep breath. "I'm going to let you see our kids as much as you want, I'd never keep you out of their lives."
I blinked at her, not sure if I heard her right. "Our kids?" I echoed her.
"You heard Will, right?" She asked, her voice cracking.
"I'm sorry I can't give him all he wants, but I really love him and I'll do all I can for him. For Ruby too, of course...I don't them to feel as if there's a difference between them just because they don't have the same father." I explained and I was well aware of how much of a responsibilities that was. I had spent all my life living with no thoughts, no one to take care of except myself, it was time to make something more with my life.
Tears fell down her face at my words, as if this wasn't hard enough. I wanted to console her, take her in my arms, but I just couldn't. I hadn't done anything wrong and I couldn't be the one making her feel better...not anymore. "Colbie.." I trailed off.
She wiped her face with the back of her hand and shook her head. "I'm sorry I cry for everything these days." She sighed. "You're so lucky you'll never be pregnant." I gave her a small smile that was forced because I didn't really feel like smiling. "Are you sure you don't want a middle name?"
"She can have one. She just never thought about it." I shrugged.
"What's your middle name?" She asked. "Oh her god I'm having your baby and I don't know your middle name."
I laughed a little for real this time. With all the things to worry about, that was the silliest. "I don't have one. None of us do."
"Oh. Well Will does...so she probably should..." She trailed off.
"What's Will's?" I asked out of curiosity.
"Henry."
"Your dad's name." I nodded, remembering what she'd said to me.
"Yeah."
"What's yours?"
"Rae. Lila's too." She replied.
"Colbie Rae. It suits you." I looked up and licked my lips. "You told Will you still loved me." I said after what felt like 8 years of silence.
"I know." She nodded. "I didn't break up with you because I didn't love you."
I took a step forward and looked down at her, for a moment I got weak and I gave in to the temptation of having still hope. "Why did you?"
"Because I'm a coward." She said, finally admitting up to her faults.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I got scared and the easiest thing to do was push you away and pretend like it wasn't happening. But that doesn't solve anything it just makes it worse. I made a mistake Jax."
"Colbie..."
"I'm serious. I never should have walked away from you."
"You're saying this because of what Will said, because of hormones and-"
She stopped me, holding up her hand. "I'm saying this because it's true. I fucked us up. I made a bigger mistake with you than I ever made with Nick. With him I was settling. With you I walked away from a man who made me happy. And I'm sorry."
I inhaled deeply, her words only making me feel worse. "Yeah I'm sorry too." I said lamely because I knew I couldn't add anything else without getting mad or begging her to get back with me. None of them would help or work though.
"I know that you-"
"Colbie stop." I cut her off, shaking my head. "I can't hear you talking right now."
She blinked her big eyes at me, them still so full of emotion. "Why? We can't be parents if we can't even talk." She said in a small voice.
"It's not what I meant. We can talk, of course, we'll have to talk if we want to have a chance to make this work...but right now, hearing you admit that you made a mistake, when it's too late...I just can't. I'm sorry, I can't. I appreciate what you said and I'm trying not to hold grudges or have hard feelings towards you but it's too early. I don't have a switch to turn my emotions off and believe it or not, even if I'm not pregnant, I'm going through a lot too." I explained, being honest.
She bit down hard on her lip, nodding, "I understand that."
"Thank you." I exhaled, deciding to change the subject because there was nothing else left to say about us. We were done as a couple, we had to focus on being parents now. "I promised Will we'd spend a whole night together soon. Is it okay for you?"
"Yeah, I already told you." She answered simply.
"You can pick the day...I don't know, maybe one when you can go out with Lila if you don't want to stay alone-" I cut myself off this time. What was I still doing trying to solve her life? That wasn't my job anymore. "Sorry. What you want to do isn't any of my business. Just tell me a day that works for you and I'll make it work for me too."
"I guess any day is fine." She said back and I couldn't read her face at all. I hated it.
I nodded, "Good. Also let me know when you have to go to the doctor again so I can come with you. If you don't mind, of course." I said, guessing that she had changed her mind about that too. It was so weird to plan things like this, it was harder, more frustrating and exhausting. It was like making my life more complicated on purpose, when it could've been a lot simpler. I had to get used to that too.
"Of course." She agreed.
"I'll talk to you soon then." I said simply.
"Yeah." She nodded and paused. "Jackson?" She stopped me and I looked up as I reached her door. "I miss you."
I sighed and shook my head as I looked down at my feet. "I miss you too Colbs." I replied, but didn't say anything else as I walked out the door. If she couldn't trust her feelings herself how was I supposed to trust her?