this was never my mistake

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I nearly jumped, sliding it out and having a heart attack when I saw Colbie's face on the screen. Why was she calling me? This cosuldn't be good. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" I answered on the first ring, my voice coming out harsh but concerned. 

"We're fine." She choked out, sounding really scared.

"What do you want?" I clipped, a little relieved but still wary.

"I'm going to the doctor-" She started.

"I thought you said you were okay." I interrupted.

"I am Jax. I'm fine." She assured me. "It's just a normal check up with my OB-GYN." She added. "But um...." She trailed off. "Do you want to come with me? They can find out if it's a boy or a girl today...." 

"When?" I asked shortly, the tension between us killing me and it shadowed the excitement of knowing if I was going to have a boy or a girl. 

"Um. Now." She answered. 

I cursed under my breath. What the hell. "You couldn't have given me a little time? I'm at work Colbie." 

"I'm sorry....I didn't know if you wanted to hear from me....I-you don't have to come-"

"Give me 10 minutes. I'll pick you up."

I didn't give her time to say anything more and I hung up, asked to one of the guys to cover for me then went straight to my car. I drove to Colbie's house fast, too fast, like a mad man and that was what I was. Too long had passed from the last time I had heard her voice and all I had done in the meantime was torture myself wondering if I was going to have the chance to have a baby or not. I could barely sleep at night, my worries were killing me.

When I stopped in front of Colbie's place she was already out and her sight alone was enough to make my chest tighter. No matter how angry I was, I still missed her and I still loved her. A lot. "Hi." She said almost timidly, climbing into the passenger seat.

The engine roared to life again, but this time I tried to drive decently because what I was carrying was the most precious thing to me. "Where's Will?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the road.

"He was out." She answered simply, her voice barely recognizable. It was a torture to have her so close and so far.

I bit my tongue because I was tempted to ask where he was, if he was okay, but I guessed I couldn't do that anymore. I was going to call him myself later, because I loved him and even if I wasn't with his mom anymore I didn't want to disappear like an a.sshole. We could still have a great time playing videogames. "I need the address of your doctor." I said next, thinking all rationally which was so out of character for me.

She typed it in the navigator and I followed the instructions. No sound came out of her mouth.

"So did you decide to keep the baby?" I asked, breaking the silence because I needed answers.

"Yes...I never thought not to keep it really. I was just confused." She breathed out.

I glanced at her, so furious I was having a hard time not starting yelling at her. "And what were you waiting for telling me?" I questioned in a voice of forced calm, "This baby is mine too, I had the right to know. I have the right to know everything Colbie."

"I did. I called you today." She said seriously, narrowing her eyes on me.

"I've heard nothing from you for so long Colbie!"

"Did you think I would give up my baby?! Don't you know me at all?!"

"I thought I did! I thought you loved me!!!" I said back, pulling into her doctors parking lot and turning off the car.

"I did." She whispered. "I do. Love you." She said softly. Bullshit.

"You left me." I replied. "I should have seen it coming. You've been running away from me since the beginning."

"I-" She started, but what was she going to say? I was right. "I know." She admitted.

"Is Will-" I started and then shook my head, chaning my mind.

"He misses you so much." She replied, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I told him it wasn't your fault, but....fuck this is so unfair for him."

"I didn't walk away from Will." I said sharply. "I am NOT your fucking ex and I'm going to make sure Will knows I'll always be there for him even if I'm not with you." The tears fell more freely but I wasn't touched. I wasn't the reason why she was crying. "I was so scared..." She trailed off.

"You always are." I said monotonously. "Come on we'll miss your appointment." She wiped her eyes and followed me into the building, I didn't touch her, barely even looked at her as she checked in and we waited for the nurse to come get her. 

She got on the scale with me behind her and I couldn't help noticing how her body was changing. God only knew how much I wished I could hold her and touch her. "Looks like you're gaining the right amount of weight. Are you exercising regularly?" 

She nodded. "My sister got me into a pregnancy yoga class." She replied and waited as I waited in the corner and she got her temperature and blood pressure taken.

"Everything is looking good. I'll get Dr. Coyle." The nurse smiled and then left, leaving Colbie and I alone.

"You're taking a yoga class?" I asked softly. She nodded. "That sounds like something Lila would do." I added, was forcing conversation because I could tell she was nervous. 

"Yeah."

"Are you drinking decaf coffee?" 

She winced and I glared at her. "Mostly." She admitted.

"Are you taking vitamins? Eating healthy? Sleeping enough?" I went on, worrying both for her and our baby while I got angrier, thinking that if only she'd let me I'd take care of her and treat her like f.ucking queen. Maybe that was my mistake, I had always been too good and condescending with her.

She widened her eyes, "Where is this all coming from?" She asked.

I shrugged, "I've been reading stuff." I admitted and felt a little embarrassed even though there was nothing wrong about it. I had never had the need to know what a woman was supposed to do while being pregnant, but I had to be informed now. "I asked Liz too."

"Does she know I'm pregnant?" She blinked at me.

"No I asked her hypothetically." I said flatly, then groaned. "Of course she knows."

She let out a deep breath, "What did she say?"

I raised one eyebrow at her, wondering where she was trying to go with that. "What do you mean?"

"Does she think I-" She started and I cut her off, finally realizing what was on her mind.

"You should stop worrying about what other people think and start worrying more about what I think instead." I said bitterly, so tired to feel like I was always the last in everything.

Her mouth dropped open only she didn't have time to talk because her doctor walked in. Which was probably for the best. I didn't mean to hurt her or be mean, but I was done being scared of saying things because I was afraid I'd push her away. We were past that point.

"Hi Mrs Trenton." The woman smiled at Colbie as she laid down.

"Jackson Cole." I introduced myself, shaking the doctors hand, "The father." I added and it was so weird to say that out loud.

The woman nodded as she wore a pair of gloves and took a thing that I supposed was for the ultrasound. "Let's see this baby." She said softly, her eyes on the screen and mine following them.

Silence fell in the room only to be broken by a loud sounds. A fast heartbeat. I reached for Colbie's hand automatically, in complete awe. This was amazing. It was...there were no words to describe how I felt.

"That's a very healthy heartbeat!" The doctor smiled at Colbie. 

Her eyes flickered to the screen where our tiny baby was. "Oh my god." She whispered. 

I squeezed her hand tighter as the doctor went on about how healthy the baby looked but I could tell I was the only one listening.

"Colbie." Jax nudged her.

She looked up at me as I waited for her to respond to the doctor. "I'm sorry. What?" She asked softly.

"I was just asking if you wanted to know the sex of the baby." 

She smiled and looked back up at me. "If you want to." She replied I just nodded and this time she squeezed my hand.

"Well if you can see right here, it's pretty clear this is a baby girl." 

She widened her eyes and then started crying again. "It's a girl? Really?" She chocked through tears.

"That's what I'm seeing."

"We're having a girl." She whispered, staring at the screen.

I felt like fainting. A girl. A tiny girl...just like Poppy. I didn't know how to handle babies, I didn't know how to handle baby girls. I was scared, but I was mostly happy, so happy I felt as if my heart has doubled all of a sudden.

"First one?" The doctor asked me, pulling me out of my daze.

I nodded, finding her eyes and Colbie's on me. "Yes." I answered simply and smiled, letting go of Colbie's hand to run mine through my hair.

"Everything's okay so I'll see you again in a month." The woman said and we got up and said bye before walking out the building.

As we walked to the car I felt Colbie looking at me, only I was still going through too much in my head to open my mouth. "Jax, say something." She breathed out eventually as I started the car.

"I..." I trailed off but I didn't know where to start. On a side I didn't want to talk to her to ruin the extreme happiness of the moment, on the other I knew we needed to talk. "I'm happy it's a girl." I said eventually.

"Did you want a girl?" She asked softly.

I shrugged as I kept my eyes on the road, "Not really. If it was a boy it'd make no difference, I'm just happy to have a baby." I said honestly.

"We should start thinking about names." She said.

I parked in front of her house, killing the engine and finally turning to her. "We have more urgent things to talk about Colbie. I need you to tell me how you want to handle the parenting, what you want to do, what you've been thinking during these weeks."

She took a deep breath that didn't leave out. "It's complicated."

"Life is complicated but here we are, living." I groaned, doing my best not to get angry but having a hard time since I was so tired of waiting. "I'm not going to let you keep my daughter away from me. Get that out of your mind. I'm done being so condescending with you, I have feelings and I have rights too, everything would be easier if you stopped acting like a crazy woman and let me take care of you and our kids but if you don't want to go down that route I'm not afraid to fight."

Colbie put a hand on my cheek, "Jax. You won't have to fight me. I hate fighting and I want this baby to have a father."

"I hate fighting too." 

"We're going to parent this baby together Jax. I promise I'll never keep you away." I let out a breath of relief and she narrowed her eyes. "In fact if you try to walk away I'll come after you with everything I have because we need you." 

I looked up at her quickly. "We?"

"Yeah. Me, Will, and little baby girl here." She set her hand against her stomach that was just now starting to swell.

"You too?" I asked.

"Of course." She nodded and then she leaned in and pressed her lips against mine. Fuck. My hand gripped her hair as I kissed her back, my mouth opening against hers capturing the moan that left her throat. 

No matter how good that felt, it couldn't be. I pulled away just a second before I could grab her and have my way with her. "Colbie stop." 

She pulled back and blushed, running her hand through her hair awkwardly. "Sorry." She whispered.

"No! You can't do this to me. You don't get to be changing your mind about her every other day. I'm not fucking chasing you again."

"Jax.."

"You broke my heart in that hospital." I said seriously. "You don't get to come back to me just because it's easier, or just because I'm here. That's not what I want."

"I'm sorry. I just miss you so much." She admitted.

I shook my head, trying to reason straight through the fog of anger pain and confusion in my head. "I miss you too." I paused and looked at her, "But that's not enough. You can't just say you're sorry and it's all forgotten Colbie. I need to know that you really know that the way you acted with me was awful."

She swallowed and I could tell she was having a hard time keeping her feelings in check, I appreciated that. Maybe for once we could have a conversation without drama. "I know but I was so scared and confused." She repeated like a broken record.

"And what about me? Don't you think I was just as scared and confused?" I asked even though it wasn't really a question, "I understand how shocked you were but so was I, and in that moment I needed you to feel better and you pushed me away. In front of your whole family. How do you think I felt? I'm telling you, I felt humiliated."

My words seemed to have some kind of effect on her andshe leaned into me, but didn't touch me, her eyes wide staring into mine. "Jax I'm sorry about that but for me it was like re-living my past and Nick-"

I cut her off. "I'm so tired of hearing that name used as an excuse for how you are. Everything happened 10 years ago Colbie, get over it and stop thinking I'm like him because I'm not. If there's something you should be sure about is how family is my priority number one."

She shook her head, another tear ran down her cheek while I did my best not to act affected. If I started touching her and consoling her we'd be back to square one. I hated seeing her cry though. "I can't get over it because it's not over, he's back and he wants Will and the house we live in and I'm terrified that he could take my son away from me." She managed to end the sentence before starting sobbing, her hands covering her eyes as her shoulders shook.

"That son of a b.itch won't do anything instead. He can't remember he has a son after 14 years, no one could ever give him custody." I said seriously and gave up, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her against my chest, "Will is old enough to have a say in this too and if Nick takes this to court they'll want to hear his opinion and I doubt he wants to live with his father." I paused, thinking about what Travis' friend, who was an a.sshole and a lawyer too, had told me, "And for the house...who cares. We'll buy a new one. You do that for a living Colbs, I'm sure it can't be hard."

"Of course I could get a new house and no judge would give Nick full custody but I don't want will to ever have to see Nick if he doesn't want to. He slammed the door in his face when he came over Jax, and I don't care about my house, I need a bigger one anyways to fit another baby but I don't want him living there! It's insulting and he treated me like...like he was sorry for me."

"Keep talking about him Colbie, please." I said bitterly, almost shocked that she could go on talking about everyone in the world but not me. It wasn't that I didn't want her to tell me her problems, I just wanted to be considered too.

"No! It's not fair! I did things fucking right! I was a good wife and a good mother and he cheated on me and walked out. I hate him and I wanted him to see that I'm better without him, that he fucked up when left! I want him to see Will as the amazing kid he is and know that he did nothing to help him become that!"

"Why Colbie? Why does it matter what he thinks?" I asked and she just blinked back at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean if that asshole wants to think he has it better without you then let him. Who cares? You know who you are and all that you've done even when he left, fuck him."

"But-"

"But what? You have nothing to prove to him Colbie! And he is ruining your chances to have a real relationship with someone who actually loves you and didn't just marry you to look good."

"But isn't it the same thing with you? It would be easier for us to be together, doesn't make it right."

"If that's what you think then you're right, we shouldn't be together. But Colbie if you hadn't gotten pregnant would you still have left me?"

"I ...I just don't want to mess up my life all over again. I know you're different, I know you really loved me and I know you're going to be an amazing father." She said honestly, a tear dripping from her face. Again. "I just don't know if I can trust my feelings anymore.

I stared at her and for once I didn't care if she was crying. To be honest I felt like crying myself because she was tearing me apart and the more I listened to her the more I felt like this was a nightmare and it had nothing to do with the baby and everything with her. She was the problem, not the fact that she was pregnant. "I guess you took your decision." I cleared my throat feeling defeated because deep down I had had some hope that she would've reasoned and taken me back with her. Now I had to set my mind on another idea, I was going to raise a baby girl without giving her the family she deserved.

"There's nothing else I can do." She sniffed lamely.

I nodded my head, "Sure because you're so smart you think that having this baby without me won't mess up your life at all." I spat harshly.

"You don't understand." She shook her head.

"Of course I don't. You're so smart instead, pushing away the man who could give you everything you always looked for in the wrong man instead." I retorted, referring to her f.ucking ex. Actually, they weren't ever divorced yet, who knew maybe they could even get back together. Maybe she was hoping that and she didn't really love me, that was why she couldn't trust her feelings.

She shook her head, looking so out of herself. "No it's not that."

"I don't even want to listen anymore Colbie, you're nothing like the woman I fell in love with so this is all pointless I'm just sorry for the girl who'll have to pay for your mistakes." I started this time not going easy on her because she didn't deserve it. Not once she had thought about me, not even one f.ucking time. "I hope you get a really good lawyer Colbie because if you even try to keep me away from my daughter or don't give me what I want I promise you'll regret it."

She widened her eyes and looked terrified. "Is this a threat!?"

"It's a warning. A judge would have no problem giving me custody don't you think? You got pregnant while being married with another man who now wants custody of your other son...it doesn't look good, don't you think?"

"Jax you don't mean that!" She started sobbing again.

"You're not giving me any other option. You were my priority and now my daughter is." I said quietly, the pain so much I could barely handle it. I never wanted to come to this I hated being like this...I had no other way though. "Get out of my car. I'll see you again at the doctor next week. Oh and I'm going to see Will one of these days because I don't want to be the asshole who disappears when I'm clearly not the bad one in this situation. You better tell him about his sister or I will on my own terms."

Colbie swallowed as she stared at the me. I know I was spitting back in her face all of the things thatwere her biggest insecurities. "Are you kidding her right now?"

"No." I narrowed my eyes. "Will deserves-"

"I KNOW what Will deserves Jackson. I've known me all my life. I've done this before remember? I wasn't off fucking around like an overgrown frat boy in a job I'm too good for, bedding a different guy every night just because I could, I was working my ass off trying to provide a life for my son. You think you could win a court case against me? Try it. I will shoot you down just as hard as I'm going to do with Nick because I can prove that I'm a good parent. Can you?"

"I-" I opened my mouth but she cut me off. Bitch.

"Uh uh. You get no input into how to raise Will. How dare you threaten me? I would never not let you see our daughter, hell I'd never not let you see Will because he loves you and I think you're good for him. But to tell me to get a lawyer? Who are you?"

"Me?!"

"Yes! You say I'm not the girl you fell in love with? I haven't changed, I've always been the one who's trying to take this relationship seriously instead of barreling ahead and getting in over our heads. Well you won Jax. We're having a baby. But that doesn't mean you get to pretend like I'm some giant bitch who'll never let you see your daughter. I'm not the bad guy just because I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. And no. You won't see me at the next doctors appointment. Because you're not invited."

"Ha!" I exclaimed bitterly, not taking seriously even a word she was saying. She was dreaming, she was living out of reality because she was too much into her head, as usual. "I don't need an invitation Colbie."

She narrowed her eyes on me, as if that could have an effect on me. It didn't. "I don't want you there."

"Uh, who cares? I know this might be shocking for you to hear but not everything is about you." I raised one eyebrow at her, because if there was something I knew was how I'd move mountains for love. That love was for Colbie once, but since she didn't want it, it was all for my baby now. It was my only good thought, the only thing that was giving me the strength not to lose my mind. "If I remember correctly you were with me when we made this baby...or was it all you? Did you get super powers?"

"Jackson stop." She glared.

I turned serious again. "It takes two to make a baby and she's mine as much as she's yours. So if I want to come to the doctor to see if she's fine, I'm coming." I paused and went through all the things she had said to me, "I'm not even commenting the rest of your bulls.hit."

"It's not bulls.hit!!!" She almost screamed in my face, I didn't even blink, "I'm so happy I decided not to be with you because it turns out you're an a.sshole just like all the others."

"You only get what you deserve." I retorted flatly, not even bothering to point out that if I was being like this it was all her fault. The thought didn't make me feel better though. "And now get out of my f.ucking car, I can't stand listening to you a second longer."

"Such a lovely thing to say to the future mother of your daughter. I'll make sure to remember you can't stand listening to me." Colbie shouted back.

"I'm waiting." I said seriously. 

"You're breaking my heart Jax." She admitted, the angry tone of my voice gone. 

I just looked at her and shook my head. "I'm not even going to justify that with a response."

"Fine." She got out and slammed my door. Finally.