all those fairytales are full of shit

I took a deep breath as I stared at my phone. Or more specifically the clock on my phone. I had 15 minutes to make this decision so I had to do it soon. I swallowed and wished like hell I could take a shot of something real strong before I dialed Jax's number.

"Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" He answered on the first ring, his voice sounding harsh but concerned. My chest warmed at just the sound of him, no matter how angry he was at me.
"We're fine." I choked out, afraid that my voice would show how scared I was.
"What do you want?" He clipped, his voice sounding relieved as I licked my lips and paced my living room.
"I'm going to the doctor-" I started.
"I thought you said you were okay." Jax interupted.
"I am Jax. I'm fine." I assured him. "It's just a normal check up with my OB-GYN." I added. "But um...." I trailed off. "Do you want to come with me? They can find out if it's a boy or a girl today...." I trailed off.
"When?" His voice was short and clipped and I could feel the tension between us.
"Um. Now." I answered. Jax cursed under his breath.
"You couldn't have given me a little time? I'm at work Colbie." My heart flipped again at the sound of his voice saying my name and I hated it. I hated how much I missed him because it would be so much easier if I didn't.
"I'm sorry....I didn't know if you wanted to hear from me....I-you don't have to come-"
"Give me 10 minutes. I'll pick you up." I just looked at my phone but he had already hung up. 9 minutes later he pulled up at my place. I thought about chastizing him for probably speeding but thought better of it.
"Hi." I said almost timidly, climbing into the passenger seat.
"Where's Will?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the road. I was feeling a lot of different things right now. But the biggest one was loss. I hated being so close to Jax, having all the feelings I'd always had but not being sure of them.
"He was out."
"I need the address of your doctor." he said next, and I typed it into the navigator without talking.
"So did you decide to keep the baby?" he asked, breaking the silence and half making me angry because I thought he knew me.
"Yes...I never thought not to keep it really. I was just confused." I breathed out.
"And what were you waiting for telling me?" he questioned in a voice of forced calm, "This baby is mine too, I had the right to know. I have the right to know everything Colbie."
"I did. I called you today." I said seriously, narrowing my eyes on Jax.
"I've heard nothing from you for so long Colbie!"
"Did you think I would give up my baby?! Don't you know me at all?!"
"I thought I did! I thought you loved me!!!" He said back, pulling into my doctors parking lot and turning off the car.
"I did." I whispered. "I do. Love you." I said softly.
"You left me." He replied. "I should have seen it coming. You've been running away from me since the beginning."
"I-" I started, but what was I going to say? He was right. "I know." I admitted.
"Is Will-" He started and then shook his head as if he hadn't meant to talk.
"He misses you so much." I replied, a tear rolling down my cheek. "I told him it wasn't your fault, but....fu.ck this is so unfair for him."
"I didn't walk away from Will." Jax said sharply. "I am NOT your fu.cking ex and I'm going to make sure Will knows I'll always be there for him even if I'm not with you." The tears fell more freely. What the hell had I done? Jackson was so much more than what Nick had been, he was such a good man and I just kept pushing him away.
"I was so scared..." I trailed off.
"You always are." He said monotonously. "Come on we'll miss your appointment." I wiped my eyes and followed him into the building, he didn't touch me, barely even looked at me as I checked in and we waited for the nurse to come get me. I blushed as I got on the scale with Jax behind me. That's something I want my ex to see, how much I weigh.
"Looks like you're gaining the right amount of weight. Are you exercising regularly?" I nodded.
"My sister got me into a pregnancy yoga class." I replied and waited as Jax glowered in the corner and I got my temperature and blood pressure taken.
"Everything is looking good. I'll get Dr. Coyle." The nurse smiled and then left, leaving Jax and I alone.
"You're taking a yoga class?" Jax asked softly. I nodded. "That sounds like something Lila would do." he added, as if he was forcing conversation because he could tell I was nervous. Nervous about him being here, nervous about the future, and of course nervous about the baby. Even when she said everything was going well I was always scared. I hated that about myself.
"Yeah."
"Are you drinking decaf coffee?" I winced and Jax glared at me.
"Mostly." I admitted, alcohol was one thing, but coffee? I kind of hated being pregnant.
"Are you taking vitamins? Eating healthy? Sleeping enough?" he went on, and I saw the man who had taken such good care of me when we were together. He was going to make an amazing father.
"Where is this all coming from?" I asked softly, not knowing what else to say.
"I've been reading stuff." he admitted. "I asked Liz too."
"Does she know I'm pregnant?" I asked.
"No I asked her hypothetically." he said flatly, then groaned. "Of course she knows."
"What did she say?" I asked, knowing I had made Jax seem like the bad guy with my family and I regretted it because he wasn't. If Jax had done the same I wouldn't blame him.
"What do you mean?"
"Does she think I-" I started and he cut me off.
"You should stop worrying about what other people think and start worrying more about what I think instead." he said bitterly, making my mouth drop open. I didn't know how to respond to that but luckily my doctor walked in just in time.
"Hi Mrs Trenton." The woman smiled at me as I laid down.
"Jackson Cole." He introduced himself, shaking the doctors hand, "The father." She nodded as she slid on a pair of gloves and grabbed the wand for the ultrasound. "Let's see this baby." She said softly, her eyes on the screen and mine following them. Silence fell in the room only to be broken by a loud sounds. A fast heartbeat. Out of nowhere Jax reached out for my hand and squeezed. 
"That's a very healthy heartbeat!" The doctor smiled at me but I was focusing on the feeling of jax's hand on mine. My eyes flickered to the screen where our tiny baby was and my own heart almost stopped.
"Oh my god." I whispered, and felt a rush of love so strong it was almost overwhelming. Jax squeezed my hand tighter as the doctor went on about how healthy the baby looked but I was barely paying any attention. I had been so stressed and upset about Jax and being pregnant in the first place that I hadn't though how wonderful it really was. I wanted more kids. I loved being a mother more than anything and I finally felt the connection to this baby that I'd had with Will.
"Collie." Jax nudged me and I looked up at him. He looked like he was a little off kilter but also as if he was waiting for me to respond.
"I'm sorry. What?" I asked softly.
"I was just asking if you wanted to know the sex of the baby." I smiled and looked back up at Jax.
"If you want to." I replied he just nodded and this time I squeezed his hand.
"Well if you can see right here, it's pretty clear this is a baby girl." I widened my eyes and then felt tears running down my face.
"It's a girl? Really?" I chocked through tears.
"That's what I'm seeing."
"We're having a girl." I whispered, staring at the screen.
"First one?" The doctor asked Jax, pulling mim out of the daze he semmed to be on.
"Yes." He answered simply and smiled, letting go of my hand to run mine through his hair and I missed the feeling instantly.
"Everything's okay so I'll see you again in a month." The doctor said and we got up and said bye before walking out the building. I stared at Jax as we walked to the car, he looked a little overwhelmed and I wished I could comfort him but I knew that wouldn't happen.
"Jax, say something." I breathed out eventually as he started the car.
"I..." he trailed off and seemed lost in his thoughts. "I'm happy it's a girl." he said eventually.
"Did you want a girl?" I asked softly. He shrugged, but kept his eyes on the road.
"Not really. If it was a boy it'd make no difference, I'm just happy to have a baby." he said honestly and my heart swelled at his honest words.
"We should start thinking about names." I said as we pulled up to my house. Jax killed the engine and turned towards me.
"We have more urgent things to talk about Colbie. I need you to tell me how you want to handle the parenting, what you want to do, what you've been thinking during these weeks."
"It's complicated."
"Life is complicated but here we are, living." he groaned, clearly on the edge of his patience. "I'm not going to let you keep my daughter away from me. Get that out of your mind. I'm done being so compromising with you, I have feelings and I have rights too, everything would be easier if you stopped acting like a crazy woman and let me take care of you and our kids but if you don't want to go down that route I'm not afraid to fight."
I put a hand on jaxs cheek and felt a tingle go up my arm at the touch.
"Jax. You won't have to fight me. I hate fighting and I want this baby to have a father."
"I hate fighting too." I wanted to kiss him so badly it was suffocating me but I didn't know how well he'd take that.
"We're going to parent this baby together Jax. I promise I'll never keep you away." He let out a breath and I narrowed my eyes. "In fact if you try to walk away I'll come after you with everything I have because we need you." Jax looked up at me quickly.
"We?"
"Yeah. Me, Will, and little baby girl here." I set my hand against my stomach that was just now starting to swell.
"You too?" He asked.
"Of course." I nodded and then I couldn't stand it anymore. I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. I felt jaxs hand grip my hair as he kissed me back, his mouth opening against mine capturing the moan that left my throAt. I felt my hormones going crazy I was this close to climbing into his lap here in the parking lot and he must have somehow sensed it because he pulled away.
"Colbie stop." I pulled back and blushed, running my hand through my hair awkwardly.
"Sorry." I whispered.
"No! You can't do this to me. You don't get to be changing your mind about me every other day. I'm not fuc.king chasing you again."
"Jax.."
"You broke my heart in that hospital." He said seriously. "You don't get to come back to me just because it's easier, or just because I'm here. That's not what I want."
"I'm sorry. I just miss you so much." I admitted. Jax shook his head and it looked like he was lost in those thoughts.
"I miss you too." he paused and finally looked over at me. "But that's not enough. You can't just say you're sorry and it's all forgotten Colbie. I need to know that you really know that the way you acted with me was awful."
"I know but I was so scared and confused." I repeated like a damn broken record. I couldn't just explain how sorry I was, that he meant everything to me and I hated how I'd treated him?! No because that would mean admitting to a real mistake and I sucked at that. I guess I was selfish.
"And what about me? Don't you think I was just as scared and confused?" he asked even though it wasn't really a question, "I understand how shocked you were but so was I, and in that moment I needed you to feel better and you pushed me away. In front of your whole family. How do you think I felt? I'm telling you, I felt humiliated." I leaned into him and felt awful because I knew it already and I hated it.
"Jax I'm sorry about that but for me it was like re-living my past and Nick-"
"I'm so tired of hearing that name used as an excuse for how you are. Everything happened 10 years ago Colbie, get over it and stop thinking I'm like him because I'm not. If there's something you should be sure about is how family is my priority number one." he was right again. I felt a tear running down my cheek as I tried to respond with any sort of sense.
"I can't get over it because it's not over, he's back and he wants Will and the house we live in and I'm terrified that he could take my son away from me." I managed to end the sentence before starting sobbing, covering my eyes as I tried to pull myself together. I hated feeling like this. I was so overwhelmed.
"That son of a b.itch won't do anything instead. He can't remember he has a son after 14 years, no one could ever give him custody." he said seriously and finally wrapped his arm around me, pulling me against hsi chest and ugh it felt so good....too good.  "Will is old enough to have a say in this too and if Nick takes this to court they'll want to hear his opinion and I doubt he wants to live with his father." he paused and I closed my eyes. "And for the house...who cares. We'll buy a new one. You do that for a living Colbs, I'm sure it can't be hard."
"Of course I could get a new house and no judge would give Nick full custody but I don't want will to ever have to see nick if he doesn't want to. He slammed the door in his face when he came over jax, and I don't care about my house, I need a bigger one anyways to fit another baby but I don't want him living there! It's insulting and he treated me like...like he was sorry for me."
"Keep talking about him Colbie, please."
"No! It's not fair! I did things f.ucking right! I was a good wife and a good mother and he cheated on me and walked out. I hate him and I wanted him to see that I'm better without him, that he fu.cked up when left! I want him to see Will as the amazing kid he is and know that he did nothing to help him become that!"
"Why Colbie? Why does it matter what he thinks?" Jax asked and I just blinked back at him.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean if that as.shole wants to think he has it better without you then let him. Who cares? You know who you are and all that you've done even when he left, fuc.k him."
"But-"
"But what? You have nothing to prove to him Colbie! And he is ruining your chances to have a real relationship with someone who actually loves you and didn't just marry you to look good."
"But isn't it the same thing with you? It would be easier for us to be together, doesn't make it right."
"If that's what you think then you're right, we shouldn't be together. But Colbie if you hadn't gotten pregnant would you still have left me?"
"I ...I just don't want to mess up my life all over again. I know you're different, I know you really loved me and I know you're going to be an amazing father." I said honestly, a tear dripping from my face. "I just don't know if I can trust my feelings anymore.
"I guess you took your decision." he cleared his throat and sounded....a little defeated actually. So unlike the Jax I knew.
"There's nothing else I can do." I sniffed lamely.
"Sure because you're so smart you think that having this baby without me won't mess up your life at all." he spat harshly.
"You don't understand." I shook my head because I wasn't going to be without him. That's not what I meant at all, just that I needed time to sort out my feelings about everything.
"Of course I don't. You're so smart instead, pushing away the man who could give you everything you always looked for in the wrong man instead." he snapped and I blinked, surprised.
"No it's not that."
"I don't even want to listen anymore Colbie, you're nothing like the woman I fell in love with so this is all pointless I'm just sorry for the girl who'll have to pay for your mistakes." he started, the tone and his words totally different then how they had been. I didn't understand. What was happening?! "I hope you get a really good lawyer Colbie because if you even try to keep me away from my daughter or don't give me what I want I promise you'll regret it."
"Is this a threat!?" I asked, scared that maybe there was a side of Jax I never saw, too blinded by new love just like I always was.
"It's a warning. A judge would have no problem giving me custody don't you think? You got pregnant while being married with another man who now wants custody of your other son...it doesn't look good, don't you think?"
"Jax you don't mean that!" I said, my eyes filling with tearsa again. My god I was so pathetic! Here I was letting a man fuc.k with me. AGAIN!! 
"You're not giving me any other option. You were my priority and now my daughter is." he said quietly but still firmly. "Get out of my car. I'll see you again at the doctor next week. Oh and I'm going to see Will one of these days because I don't want to be the a.sshole who disappears when I'm clearly not the bad one in this situation. You better tell him about his sister or I will on my own terms."
I swallowed as I stared at the man that I had once thought would be my forever. He was spitting back in my face all of the things that he KNEW were my biggest insecurities.
"Are you kidding me right now?"
"No." He narrowed his eyes. "Will deserves-"
"I KNOW what Will deserves Jackson. I've known him all my life. I've done this before remember? I wasn't off fuc.king around like an overgrown frat boy in a job I'm too good for, bedding a different guy every night just because I could, I was working my as.s off trying to provide a life for my son. You think you could win a court case against me? Try it. I will shoot you down just as hard as I'm going to do with Nick because I can prove that I'm a good parent. Can you?"
"I-" Jax opened his mouth but I cut him off.
"Uh uh. You get no input into how to raise Will. How dare you threaten me? I would never not let you see our daughter, hell I'd never not let you see Will because he loves you and I think you're good for him. But to tell me to get a lawyer? Who are you?"
"Me?!"
"Yes! You say I'm not the girl you fell in love with? I haven't changed, I've always been the one who's trying to take this relationship seriously instead of barreling ahead and getting in over our heads. Well you won Jax. We're having a baby. But that doesn't mean you get to pretend like I'm some giant bit.ch who'll never let you see your daughter. I'm not the bad guy just because I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. And no. You won't see me at the next doctors appointment. Because you're not invited."
"Ha!" he exclaimed bitterly, clearly not taking a word I was saying seriously. I had no idea, no clue how to say my feelings without him taking it completely the wrong way. "I don't need an invitation Colbie." I narrowed my eyes on him even though I knew that wasn't going to solve anything. But it was either that or totally lose it and I couldn't do that.
"I don't want you there."
"Uh, who cares? I know this might be shocking for you to hear but not everything is about you" I blinked back at him because I didn't think everything was about me. If anything I forgot about myself most of the time. "If I remember correctly you were with me when we made this baby...or was it all you? Did you get super powers?"
"Jackson stop." I glared.
"It takes two to make a baby and she's mine as much as she's yours. So if I want to come to the doctor to see if she's fine, I'm coming." he paused though I knew better than him and if I didn't want him there no doctor would allow it. "I'm not even commenting the rest of your bulls.hit."
"It's not bulls.hit!!!" I tried to keep myself in check but I was seeing such a different side. Was this my fault? Did I turn a man like Jax so caring and carefree and wonderful into this? "I'm so happy I decided not to be with you because it turns out you're an a.sshole just like all the others."
"You only get what you deserve." he retorted flatly. "And now get out of my f.ucking car, I can't stand listening to you a second longer."
"Such a lovely thing to say to the future mother of your daughter. I'll make sure to remember you can't stand listening to me." I shouted back, tempted to cry again but this time I had too much pride.
"I'm waiting." He said seriously. How the hell did Lila deal with this bullshi.t. Jax didn't get to order me around and laugh at me. He was suppossed to LOVE me.
"You're breaking my heart Jax." I admitted, the angry tone of my voice gone but still I didn't cry. Jax just lookeda at me and shook his head.
"I'm not even going to justify that with a response."
"Fine." I got out and slammed his door, marching back into my house and feeling like I was probably going to throw up.
"Mom!" Will came running into the living room and I forced a smile as I felt my world crashing around me. When I'd called Jax earlier I'd thought maybe there was a chance we could be a family. And not just because of this baby but because I thought he had truely loved me.
"Hey baby. How was your day?"
"Was that Jax's car?" he asked excidedtly. "Is he coming in?" I bit down on my lip and shook my head.
"No Will, he has to go home." Will narrowed his eyes at me.
"Rob said that he heard his mom and dad say that you dumped him. Why would you do that?" Will asked, and it was times like this I was pretty sure I had no idea how to be a mother.
"It's complicated baby..."
"So it's true? Ugh why would you be so stupid!?" He shouted and stormed off to his room. I finally let the tears fall...right before my stomach churned and I rushed to the bathroom. Here we go again.