there's more to the picture, than meets the eye

My heard turned toward the door of my house as I heard it close, even thought I couldn't see it, waiting a few seconds until Lila came into my sight. I felt the corner of my lips curve upwards and so did hers as yer eyes moved to mine to my niece who was sitting in my lap, her tiny body circled by my legs as we both sat on the floor.

"Hey baby." I said quietly, tilting my head up and waiting for the kiss she gave me a moment later when she bent over me.

"I'm sorry it's late." She sighed, shrugging her coat off before sitting on the couch where my back was leant against. "Colbie couldn't stop talking."

I smiled at her, wondering if right now my brother was with her sister. That was so odd. "It's okay, I was busy with this little girl." I whispered quietly, kissing the top of Poppy's head softly.

Lila frowned, "She's asleep already." She pointed out then looked at the Christmas tree, "She had to be tired after all that."

I nodded, leaning my head back between her knees, "She fell asleep after ten minutes of Monsters Inc." I explained and relaxed as I felt my girlfriend's fingers play with my hair. I could fall asleep easily too.

"You're too cute with her." She pointed out and I glanced at her, suppressing a groan. "Is she sleeping here?" She added, widening her eyes a little.

"Yeah...I promised her. And my brother and his wife are out until late so it was the most logic choice." I said as I yawned, my chest expaning under Poppy's head and making her stir a little in my hold.

"Can I sleep here too?" Lila asked slowly.

I let out a small laugh, "Of course, there's plenty of room for babies." I winked at her.

She rolled her eyes but was biting back a smirk too at the same time, "Seriously though, where is she going to sleep?"

I shrugged, since it wasn't the first time my little cutie spent the night at my place, "In my bed, as usual." I answered simply. I had no other beds and she was still so little I didn't want to leave her alone since I was responsible for her.

"Okay...so where am I going to sleep?" She went on.

"My bed too. It's huge, we can all fit there." I explained without hiding my amusement.

Lila's eyes parted then closed when Poppy opened her eyes, though it looked like she was still sleeping. "Where's my bunny?" She asked in a tiny whisper.

I kissed her forehead softly before scooping her in my arms as I got up, "Bunny's in my bed already. It's time for you to join him." I said quietly, heading to my room and feeling Lila following us.

"You too." My niece muttered and gripped at my flannel.

"Soon." I promised as I laid her gently in the middle of the bed while Lila pulled the duvet over my niece's tiny body.

"I'll sleep with you too, so that you and uncle Trav won't feel alone." She whispered at my niece, smiling as she kissed her cheek.

"Hurry." Came the little girl's response, a barely audible whisper.

"Sweet dreams baby." I said to Poppy, kissing her one last time and keeping my eyes on her until both Lila and I were out of the room.

"You'd be a good dad." Lila pointed out quietly as she watched me closely.

I watched her back, a lump forming in my throat as I stared at her for what felt like forever. "I could have a little girl or a little boy of her same age right now." I said it before I could even realize it, those painful thoughts still heavy on my heart. I ignored the questioning look on her face, walking to the living room where I sat on the couch again, my eyes on the tv and the ending of the movie my niece had picked.

"What do you mean?" Lila asked and I just shrugged as I flipped the channel. She walked over to the couch and plopped down next to me. "Poppy might be the cutest little girl I've ever seen." She sighed, leaning against me. "When I have kids I hope they're like her." She laughed. "Plus then I can go to kids movies without feeling silly."

I laughed with her, "I thought you didn't want kids."

She shook her head. "I'm young Trav. Do I want a baby now? Probably not, I saw Colbie have a baby when she was my age and it was really hard for her, even with a husband. Even though he was a fucking as.shole." She muttered the last part.

"I don't understand that, I mean your sister's a rare find, why would she settle for someone who was awful?" I asked because that? Made no sense to me. Then again if she was going out with my brother maybe she wasn't as wise as I thought.

She rose a brow at me. "Trav did you have a thing for my sister before you met me?"

"I thought she was hot." I shrugged honestly.

She nodded because no one could deny that.  "She is. You know who's really hot though?"

I smirked, knowing what she wanted me to say. For once. "You are."

"True, but I was going to say Adam." She smirked and I just rolled my eyes at her as she chuckled. "Anyways, I didn't know if I'd ever be ready for kids, but the more I watch my friends and family with them, the more I realize that you're never really ready, but being ready just happens."

"That's true." I nodded even thought I didn't completely agree. You were never 100% ready for kids, but surely there were times when you weren't ready at all, and I knew that from experience.

"Plus they're just so full of love you know? Like I'm pretty sure I love that little girl in there and she's not even related to me." She admitted.

I felt my lips widen into a smile, taking about my niece always that effect on me. "She's easy to love."

"Must be a family trait. Would you want a boy or a girl if you had a kid?" She asked before reaching for me.

I shrugged, thinking about it as my eyes got lost into the nothing in front of me. I had spent countless nights and days wondering if what I had lost had been a boy or a girl. It was useless, a unnecessary torture, but I couldn't help it...now, since Lila, it was better. I could keep my demons in my past, at least until Karlie called me. Then it started again. "I don't think it would make any difference." I answered quietly, "I'd love my son or my daughter the same."

She squeezed my forearm, the tone of her voice soft, "You're right. But maybe I'd want a boy first so that he'd look after his younger sister. As long as he wouldn't be too overprotective." She chuckled, but the smile I offered her didn't reach my eyes the one of her own lips faded. "Are you okay Trav?" She added after a moment, when I didn't say anything else.

"Karlie was pregnant once." I said in a low tone that showed no emotion, but I couldn't even bring myself to look at my girlfriend, too ashamed to tell her about what I had done. I had to tell her though, I couldn't keep that from her forever, I couldn't anymore now that we were together for real. "I got her pregnant."

Her green eyes widened, terror into them. "You...Karlie-does she have a kid?! Is that why you keep going back to her?" She asked slowly, sounding as confused as she looked.

"We don't have a kid Lila, you would've noticed by now." I answered but I was having a hard time talking. Every word coming out of my mouth was like a new knife in my chest. "We lost the baby. When she got pregnant we weren't in a good place, our relationship wasn't working anymore and she was starting getting depressed...when she told me she was pregnant I wasn't expecting that. I had no idea she could get pregnant at all." I paused, taking a deep breath and still looking in front of me, "I didn't want that baby, we couldn't keep a baby when we could barely be together....she was so happy instead. She thought it was a sign, the answer to all our problems, but I didn't change my mind. We argued for days and then she got an abortion before we could even take a decision. I blamed myself for putting her under so much stress and negativity." I shook my head, reliving those awful days of my life in my head, "After that I couldn't leave her even if I wasn't in love with her anymore. I started cheating on her and she started losing her mind, dreaming about our unborn baby. She still does. Even after so many years, therapy and all the s.hit we went through, she still has those dreams and she's back to that pain. I am too, and I'm one that caused that pain in the first place so that's why I go back to her. I'm not proud of anything I did...I'm a bad person. All I can do now is try to make up for my mistakes the best I can, even though it's never going to be enough. Nothing and no one will bring that baby or Karlie's sanity back."

Tears started falling down Lila's face, surprising me a little to be honest because I didn't expect that reaction. Then again, I didn't expect anything really. “Oh Travis.” She climbed into my lap and held me tight, my own arms wrapping around her with a much stronger force.

“It was my fault.” I choked out and she pulled back, holding my face.

“That was not your fault Travis. It was her decision to go through it without you, even if you didn’t want the baby. And it wasn’t even her fault if she was depressed. That’s in the mind it’s not something you can blame.”

“You don’t understand I said horrible things….I did horrible things.” I shook my head, part of me knowing that she couldn't understand the whole story fully because she wasn't part of it and also because she was too in love with me.

“Do you have any idea what Nick said to Colbie when she got pregnant? He swore up and down she did it on purpose so he would stay with her, that Will wasn’t his, that she was a slut. And that was before he begged her to marry him so that he wouldn’t be an embarrassment to his family. It was still Colbie’s choice to keep her son.”

“Colbie is strong.” I said softly.

“Colbie made a choice. Just like Karlie.”

I gripped at her shirt and pulled her closer, burying my head in her chest, needing her comfort. “Lila.”

“You should have broken things off when you knew they were over. You never should have cheated on her. But losing the baby was NOT your fault.”

I looked up from her, wishing I had a switch that would turn my guilt off instead of having to live with it for the rest of my life. “I can’t help how I feel. How she feels.”

“I am so sorry you had to go through that. That you both had to go through it. I can’t imagine how it must be for her to still have dreams…to feel responsible.” She took a deep breath. “I understand why you go to her. I understand why you couldn’t tell me. God I’m so sorry for acting like a jealous bitch all this time.”

“You didn’t know.” I said quietly.

“Trav. Do you have dreams?”

I reached out and cupped her cheek, brushing the tears that kept streaming down her face. I was a little speechless for how much she was feeling for me. “Sometimes. I don’t usually remember them.” I replied soberly.

“Oh god when I thought I was pregnant it must have broken you.” She choked out.

“It was worse when I thought you were sick too.” I pointed out, that night had been a real nightmare.

She nodded. “Baby I love you. I love you for who you are, not who you were. I would love you even if you had a son or daughter now and I would love them too.” She leaned in and kissed me softly.

I closed my eyes and broke the kiss, taking a deep breath as I did my best to compose myself. It was so hard for me to open up like this, to let her see my wounds and how deep they still were. "I'm sorry you have to deal with my past." I said eventually, honestly, because I was perfectly aware that it was affecting my present too. "It's a heavy burden to carry." I added once I opened my eyes again, looking into hers.

She cupped my cheek softly, "I'll help you." She said quietly and I looked down, shaking my head. There were already too many people involved into this, I didn't want her to be part of that craziness too. I wanted to keep her away from Karlie. "Travis, listen to me. I know you're a stubborn man who wants to do everything on his own, I don't even know the whole story but I'm sure you kept a lot of what happened to yourself." She reasoned out loud, her hand sliding on my chest and stopping on my heart, "I can't even imagine how bad you tortured yourself and I know you'll probably keep doing it no matter what I say to you. But I'm here to talk, and I'm here to listen, and I'm here to confort you always."

"I'm better now Lila, really." I said back, realizing that I was doing exactly what she said I would. I took a deep breath before burying my face into the crook of her neck, "If that night we had found out you were pregnant I would have wanted that baby. I'm never going to make that mistake twice." I paused, inhaling her sweet soothing scent and focusing on the way she moved her hand up and down my back.

"When did that happen baby?" She asked softly.

"A few months before Poppy was born...you do the math." I answered as I thought about those days. It had been hard to watch my sister in law giving birth while my girlfriend was still crying over the baby she couldn't have anymore. Still, it had saved me. "Thank god for that. Without Poppy I would have gone crazy."

"I can see how much you love her and now I understand why." She offered a small smile when she pulled her head back to look at me, "I could tell she's really special for you and not just because she's your niece."

I nodded, silently agreeing with her. "Yeah." I paused, knowing I had to take the final step into this conversation. "Listen Lil, I need to make things clear with you. I'm not going to stop seeing Karlie, if she'll need me, I'll go. I hope you'll be okay with that because I got no other choice."

“I won’t pretend like that will be my favorite thing in the world.” Lila admitted.

“I’m not asking for that.” I replied quietly. If role were reversed? I would've gone crazy, she was already taking a lot more than I would.

She took a deep breath and ran her hands through her golden hair. “I trust you Travis. I even trusted you before I left. I knew you’d never cheat on me. If anything I thought you’d leave me but I’ve always trusted you. It’s her that I don’t.”

I nodded. “How could you? You don’t know her.” I reasoned even though Lila was forgetting that I always took my decisions. Even if Karlie threw herself at me, I'd push her away, my will came before everyone else's.

She nodded. “I feel like a terrible bitch for all the things I thought about her.” She admitted. “I wanted what she had with you…..I didn’t know what that was.”

“What I want is what I have with you.” I said, pressing my forehead against hers and meaning it. “But Karlie is in my life and I don’t think that’s going to change.”

“I understand that better. But you have to know, that running to her every time she gets upset just makes her think that it’s okay next time.”

I ran my fingers through my hair. If only it was that easy and logic. “We’ve tried other things. I went a period where I didn’t respond to her and she got worse. Therapy didn’t really help.”

“Did you go together?” She asked.

I nodded, thinking about the worst period of my whole life. “And apart.” I took a deep breath and looked up at her. “This is a lot to ask of you.”

“Asking me to support you isn’t asking a lot. What she’s asking is. You have to know that she’s not actually your responsibility anymore.”

“But-“

“But nothing. I’m not saying that I don’t understand when you’ll go to her. But I am saying it’s probably not the healthiest thing. For either of you.”

I looked into her eyes, studying them and expecting to find her usual jealousy. There was none instead. “I have to Lil.” I said again, wanting her to know.

“You’re a good man Travis.” She whispered, and held my face. “Some time I’m going to have to meet her you know. I want her to understand how serious I am about you.”

I nodded, because I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. "Yeah." I said simply and took her hands away from my face to keep them in mine.

"And I don't mean some time in a far future." She explained better, her tone serious and her words final. Lila was usually a happy girl, one who joked often, a girl always full of joy and maybe that was what sometimes made her look even younger than she already was. But when she got so serious? I didn't feel the age difference anymore and I knew she was right for me.

I sighed, in all honesty dreading the moment when the girl of my past and the girl of my present and future would meet. I had no idea of how that would be. "Karlie and I go out with the same people, my friends are mine too, so I'm sure it will happen sooner than later."

She studied my face for a long moment, "Do you want me to meet her Trav? Because the look on your face is saying it all." She said slowly.

"I know it has to happen, but I'm not exactly thrilled about that." I answered with a shrug, honesty being the only way for us to walk down.

"Does she even know about me?" She asked point black, a frown making her brows furrow.

I lifted my hand, my finger tracing her brow, then her cheekbone and her lips in the end. "Yes she does. She knows you're going to stay too...I'm just worried, you know. I don't know how she's going to react when you two will meet."

She shook her head, kissing my hand softly, "You're giving her too much power."

"I love Karlie, I care about her and I'm going to handle her the best I can." I paused to wrap my arms around her, part of me relieved that we were going through this conversation. This had been a big secret to keep hidden. "She's not going to be a problem, I promise."

“Thank you for telling me.” Lila cuddled into my body.

“So if you were holding any deep down personal life changing stories, now would probably be a good time to tell them.” I added in an attempt to joke even though I meant it too.

She pulled back and smirked. “You are my personal life changing story.” She admitted. “Forgive me for sounding so cheesy.” She blushed and I cupped her face, kissing her softly. “I’ll try to be much more understanding about Karlie.”

“I don’t know how she’ll react when you’ll meet honestly.”

She sighed, lookind worried. “Travis, is she still in love with you?”

I shook my head, 100% sure about that. She loved me, I loved her too, but we weren't in love anymore. “No. She’s more….she needs me.”

She sighed and I could tell she didn't like that. Of course. “Okay.” She nodded.

“Okay?” I tilted her head towards me, wanting what else she was thinking. Okay was never okay.

She licked her lips. “I don’t know how to react to her. I don’t know why she thinks you’re going to help her. I don’t even know why she wants anything to do with you after what happened between you honestly.”

“We went through a lot together Lil. It’s hard to just let go of something like that.” I tried to explain. I felt guilty about my past, but Karlie had never blamed me, that was why she still willing to let me be part of her life.

She nodded and then widened her eyes. “You were worried I was going to be like her.” She said, remembering my words when we’d been apart. “That I would lose it.”

I shrugged. “A little.” More like a lot. That was why I had kept pushing her away...I had tried.

“I kind of did didn’t I?” She admitted.

I nodded and made a face, remembering that a little too well. "Yeah. It killed me, it made me feel ever worse than I already did because it was my fault." I explained.

"You can't help the reaction you cause in people Trav, it doesn't depend on you." She said back, once again trying to get me away from my own guilt but I knew better.

"But I cause it Lila." I argued, I wasn't giving in on this one. "When I saw you so unhappy and desperate because I couldn't give you what you needed..." I trailed off, shaking my head and looking down before making eye contact again, "I thought about how happy and full of life you were when we first met instead. I thought I ruined you and I never wanted to ruin you, that's why I didn't want to be with you at the beginning and why I didn't wanted to see you when you left me. I had already done enough damage."

She let out a long sigh as she stared into my eyes, "It's over now, stop blaming yourself for everything."

"I don't know if I can." I said honestly, knowing myself a little too well.

She rolled her eyes this time before cuddling against my chest, her hand dropping on my neck and playing with the hair on my nape, "I don't think you ruined me." She pointed out slowly and I let silence fall between us, running my hand up and down her back as I felt exhausted all of a sudden. "Did you live with her?" She added after a few moments.

"I did." I answered shortly, not wanting to dig in further, not tonight.

"Here?" She asked and widened her eyes a little as she pulled her head back to look up at me.

"No. She's staying where we used to live." I explained before she could make a question about that too.

“Oh.” Lila licked her lips and didn't need to say anything else. It was written on her face.

“You think that’s a bad thing.” I read her face.

“I think that she needs to move on physically and mentally.” I nodded but it was easier said than done. “You were sleeping with her before you met me.” She added.

“Lila.” My voice was equal parts frustrated and exhausted.

She shook her head, “I’m not jealous. I mean the thought of you touching another woman is awful, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean then?” I asked, my eyes narrowing, filled with questions.

“I just meant that you were living in the past too. Did that help you? Being with her again?”

I softened a little. “Not really.” I shrugged. “Mostly it was just familiar.” I cupped her face and ran my thumb against her cheek. “I was lucky to meet you.”

She smiled softly. “I’m not sure it was luck.”

My mouth curled up a little on the side. “Do you think it was cupid instead?”

She laughed at my joke. “Yes. A flying baby brought us together.” She nodded and then kissed me. “Whatever it was, I’m glad.” She whispered against my lips.

“Me too.”