give a little more of me baby

I slid my new key into the door at Trav’s place, grinning to myself as I turned the door open and walked into the room. I smiled as Trav looked up at me from the floor with little Poppy his lap. I almost melted on the spot.

"Hey baby." He said quietly, tilting his head up for me to bend over and kiss him quickly.  

"I'm sorry it's late." I sighed, shrugging of my coat before sitting on the couch where Trav’s back was leant against. "Colbie couldn't stop talking." And going in circles about her whatever it was with Jax. Honestly I felt more confused now than I did before we talked.

"It's okay, I was busy with this little girl." he whispered quietly, kissing the top of Poppy's head softly. I pouted down at her.

"She's asleep already." I pointed out then looked at the Christmas tree, "She had to be tired after all that." Travis nodded and leaned her head back between my knees.

"She fell asleep after ten minutes of Monsters Inc." he explained as I slid my fingers into his hair idly.

"You're too cute with her." I pointed out and he glanced at me but apparently he was too tired to chastise me for my use of the word cute. "Is she sleeping here?" I added, widening my eyes a little.

"Yeah...I promised her. And my brother and his wife are out until late so it was the most logic choice." I said as I yawned, and Poppy rustled against him.

"Can I sleep here too?" I asked slowly making Travis laugh.

"Of course, there's plenty of room for babies." he winked at me. I rolled my eyes as I tried not to laugh at my silly boyfriend and wake up Poppy.

"Seriously though, where is she going to sleep?" Trav shrugged.

"In my bed, as usual." His place didn’t have an extra bed like mine, probably because he didn’t have a million family members stopping by every week.  

"Okay...so where am I going to sleep?" I went on.

"My bed too. It's huge, we can all fit there." he explained without hiding his amusement. I opened my mouth to comment on how cute that sounded. Like when I used to babysit for Colbie and wouldn’t let Will out of my sight for a moment. But then the tiny girl opened her eyes.

"Where's my bunny?" She asked in a tiny whisper. Travis kissed her forehead before scooping her up in his arms and standing up.

"Bunny's in my bed already. It's time for you to join him." he said quietly, heading to his room as I got up to follow him.

"You too." Poppy muttered, gripping at his shirt.

"Soon." He promised as he laid her gently in the middle of the bed while I pulled the duvet over her tiny body.

"I'll sleep with you too, so that you and uncle Trav won't feel alone." I whispered at his niece, smiling as I kissed her cheek.

"Hurry." Came the little girl's response, a barely audible whisper.

"Sweet dreams baby." Travis said to Poppy, kissing her one last time before we tiptoed out of the room.

"You'd be a good dad." I pointed out quietly, having though about that a lot. I never thought I was all that maternal but falling in love made me feel differently about it. Not right now, but someday I wanted to have a baby. His baby. Not that I was going to tell him that now.

"I could have a little girl or a little boy of her same age right now." He replied, choking through the words as we walked to the living room and he sat down on the couch to grab the remote.

"What do you mean?" Travis shrugged flipped the channel. I walked over to the couch and plopped down next to him.

"Poppy might be the cutest little girl I've ever seen." I sighed, leaning against him. "When I have kids I hope they're like her." I laughed. "Plus then I can go to kids movies without feeling silly." Travis laughed.

"I thought you didn't want kids." I shook my head.

"I'm young Trav. Do I want a baby now? Probably not, I saw Colbie have a baby when she was my age and it was really hard for her, even with a husband. Even though he was a fuc.king as.shole." I muttered the last part.

"I don't understand that, I mean your sister's a rare find, why would she settle for someone who was awful?" Travis asked and I rose a brow at him.

"Trav did you have a thing for my sister before you met me?" He laughed.

"I thought she was hot." He shrugged. I nodded. She was hot. She was gorgeous and although she knew she was good looking it didn't stop her from being wildly insecure.

"She is. You know who's really hot though?" Travis smirked.

"You are."

"True, but I was going to say Adam." I smirked and he just rolled his eyes at me as I chuckled.

"Anyways, I didn't know if I'd ever be ready for kids, but the more I watch my friends and family with them, the more I realize that you're never really ready, but being ready just happens."

"That's true." He nodded.

"Plus they're just so full of love you know? Like I'm pretty sure I love that little girl in there and she's not even related to me." I admitted. Travis beamed down at me.

"She's easy to love." I nodded.

"Must be a family trait. Would you want a boy or a girl if you had a kid?" I asked, just playing around, but I saw a hint of deep sadness in his eyes again that made me reach for him.

Travis shrugged, seeming to get lost in dazing across the room.

"I don't think it would make any difference." he answered quietly, "I'd love my son or my daughter the same." I squeezed his forearm softly.

"You're right. But maybe I'd want a boy first so that he'd look after his younger sister. As long as he wouldn't be too overprotective." I chuckled, but the smile he gave me back didn’t quite reach his eyes and I felt mine fade. Something was off. "Are you okay Trav?" I added after a moment, when he didn't say anything else.

"Karlie was pregnant once." he said in a low tone that showed little emotion to the words he was saying that were so heavy he couldn’t even look at me. "I got her pregnant." I felt my world tilt as I took in his words.

"You...Karlie-does she have a kid?! Is that why you keep going back to her?" I asked slowly, sounding like I was losing it and hell I felt like I was, that would make everything so different-

"We don't have a kid Lila, you would've noticed by now." he answered but he seemed like he was having a hard time talking. Like every word was causing him pain. "We lost the baby. When she got pregnant we weren't in a good place, our relationship wasn't working anymore and she was starting getting depressed...when she told me she was pregnant I wasn't expecting that. I had no idea she could get pregnant at all." Travis paused, taking a deep breath and still looking in front of him at the wall, "I didn't want that baby, we couldn't keep a baby when we could barely be together....she was so happy instead. She thought it was a sign, the answer to all our problems, but I didn't change my mind. We argued for days and then she got an abortion before we could even take a decision. I blamed myself for putting her under so much stress and negativity." He shook his head as he relived what had to be the worst time in his life. head, "After that I couldn't leave her even if I wasn't in love with her anymore. I started cheating on her and she started losing her mind, dreaming about our unborn baby. She still does. Even after so many years, therapy and all the shit we went through, she still has those dreams and she's back to that pain. I am too, and I'm one that caused that pain in the first place so that's why I go back to her. I'm not proud of anything I did...I'm a bad person. All I can do now is try to make up for my mistakes the best I can, even though it's never going to be enough. Nothing and no one will bring that baby or Karlie's sanity back." I felt the tears falling down my face. Tears for my boyfriend, tears for his unborn baby and yes tears for Karlie for having to go through something so awful.

“Oh Travis.” I climbed into his lap and held him tight, feeling his arms wrap around me with a much stronger force but I didn’t care.

“It was my fault.” He choked out and I pulled back, holding his face.

“That was not your fault Travis. It was her decision to go through it without you, even if you didn’t want the baby. And it wasn’t even her fault if she was depressed. That’s in the mind it’s not something you can blame.”

“You don’t understand I said horrible things….I did horrible things.” He shook his head.

“Do you have any idea what Nick said to Colbie when she got pregnant? He swore up and down she did it on purpose so he would stay with her, that Will wasn’t his, that she was a slu.t. And that was before he begged her to marry him so that he wouldn’t be an embarrassment to his family. It was still Colbie’s choice to keep her son.”

“Colbie is strong.” Travis said softly.

“Colbie made a choice. Just like Karlie.” Travis gripped at my shirt and pulled me closer, burying his head in my chest.

“Lila.”

“You should have broken things off when you knew they were over. You never should have cheated on her. But losing the baby was NOT your fault.” Travis looked up from me and I could see the emotion, the guilt in his eyes.

“I can’t help how I feel. How she feels.”

“I am so sorry you had to go through that. That you both had to go through it. I can’t imagine how it must be for her to still have dreams…to feel responsible.” I took a deep breath. “I understand why you go to her. I understand why you couldn’t tell me. God I’m so sorry for acting like a jealous bit.ch all this time.”

“You didn’t know.”

“Trav. Do you have dreams?” Travis reached out and cupped my cheek in a move that was so adoring I felt more tears fall from my face.

“Sometimes. I don’t usually remember them.” He replied soberly.

“Oh god when I thought I was pregnant it must have broken you.” I choked out, feeling awful for bringing it up to him before I had even known for sure.

“It was worse when I thought you were sick too.” I nodded.

“Baby I love you. I love you for who you are, not who you were. I would love you even if you had a son or daughter now and I would love them too.” I leaned in and kissed him softly. Travis pulled back and I could watch the strong man infront of me start to pull himself back together.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with my past." He said eventually, "It's a heavy burden to carry." he added once he opened his eyes again, looking into mine deeply. I cupped his cheek and leaned into him.

"I'll help you." I said quietly and I meant it. "Travis, listen to me. I know you're a stubborn man who wants to do everything on his own, I don't even know the whole story but I'm sure you kept a lot of what happened to yourself." I reasoned out loud, my hand sliding down his chest and stopping on his heart, "I can't even imagine how bad you tortured yourself and I know you'll probably keep doing it no matter what I say to you. But I'm here to talk, and I'm here to listen, and I'm here to comfort you always."

"I'm better now Lila, really." he said back, then hid his face in my neck. "If that night we had found out you were pregnant I would have wanted that baby. I'm never going to make that mistake twice." he paused and I ran my hand up and down his back.  

"When did that happen baby?" I asked softly.

"A few months before Poppy was born...you do the math." he answered and I realized now why Trav and Poppy had such a strong connection. "Thank god for that. Without Poppy I would have gone crazy."

"I can see how much you love her and now I understand why." I offered a small smile when I pulled my head back to look at him, "I could tell she's really special for you and not just because she's your niece."

"Yeah." It was a mark of what a good man he was that he treasured his niece when he could have so easily resented her. "Listen Lil, I need to make things clear with you. I'm not going to stop seeing Karlie, if she'll need me, I'll go. I hope you'll be okay with that because I got no other choice."

“I won’t pretend like that will be my favorite thing in the world.” I admitted.

“I’m not asking for that.” I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair.

“I trust you Travis. I even trusted you before I left. I knew you’d never cheat on me. If anything I thought you’d leave me but I’ve always trusted you. It’s her that I don’t.” Travis nodded.

“How could you? You don’t know her.” I nodded.

“I feel like a terrible bit.ch for all the things I thought about her.” I admitted. “I wanted what she had with you…..I didn’t know what that was.”

“What I want is what I have with you.” He said, pressing his forehead against mine. “But Karlie is in my life and I don’t think that’s going to change.” I nodded.

“I understand that better. But you have to know, that running to her every time she gets upset just makes her think that it’s okay next time.” Travis ran his fingers through his hair.

“We’ve tried other things. I went a period where I didn’t respond to her and she got worse. Therapy didn’t really help.”

“Did you go together?” I asked. Travis nodded.

“And apart.” He took a deep breath and looked up at me. “This is a lot to ask of you.”

“Asking me to support you isn’t asking a lot. What she’s asking is. You have to know that she’s not actually your responsibility anymore.”

“But-“

“But nothing. I’m not saying that I don’t understand when you’ll go to her. But I am saying it’s probably not the healthiest thing. For either of you.” Travis looked into my eyes and I could tell that he was looking for the jealousy that I usually had written all over my face when we were talking about his ex. But that was all gone. I felt sympathy for her, empathy and I was sorry for both of their losses. But I wanted a healthy relationship with Travis. And I was going about it the right ways. I hoped.

“I have to Lil.” He said and I could hear the guilt still laced in his voice.

“You’re a good man Travis.” I whispered, and held his face. “Some time I’m going to have to meet her you know. I want her to understand how serious I am about you.”

"Yeah." he said simply and took my hands away from his face to keep them in his.

"And I don't mean some time in a far future." I explained better and made sure that my eyes were focused on his, that he knew how serious I was. I knew I was easy to underestimate but Travis knew better.

“Karlie and I go out with the same people, my friends are mine too, so I'm sure it will happen sooner than later." I studied his face for a long moment, "Do you want me to meet her Trav? Because the look on your face is saying it all."

"I know it has to happen, but I'm not exactly thrilled about that." he answered with a shrug and I was glad he was being honest. That we were opening up and making our relationship real.

"Does she even know about me?" I asked point black as I frowned at him. Travis lifted his hand and traced my brow and then my cheekbones and my lips at the end, making me shiver all over despite the serious conversation we were having.

"Yes she does. She knows you're going to stay too...I'm just worried, you know. I don't know how she's going to react when you two will meet."

 "You're giving her too much power." I admitted, remembering when he had said how they had lost the baby when It was Karlie’s decision and not Travis’ at all.

"I love Karlie, I care about her and I'm going to handle her the best I can." He paused to wrap his arms around me,"She's not going to be a problem, I promise."

“Thank you for telling me.” I cuddled into his body feeling warm and tiny again.

“So if you were holding any deep down personal life changing stories, now would probably be a good time to tell them.” I pulled back and smirked because Travis very rarely made jokes and this was a serious conversation. It made me know everything was okay with us.

“You are my personal life changing story.” I admitted. “Forgive me for sounding so cheesy.” I blushed and he cupped my face, kissing me softly. “I’ll try to be much more understanding about Karlie.”

“I don’t know how she’ll react when you’ll meet honestly.” I sighed. The one time I had met with his friends had turned into a disaster, adding in an ex girlfriend? That made it worse.

“Travis, is she still in love with you?” He shook his head.

“No. She’s more….she needs me.” I sighed. I didn’t love that either.

“Okay.” I nodded.

“Okay?” Travis tilted my head towards him and I licked my lips.

“I don’t know how to react to her. I don’t know why she thinks you’re going to help her. I don’t even know why she wants anything to do with you after what happened between you honestly.”

“We went through a lot together Lil. It’s hard to just let go of something like that.” I nodded and then widened my eyes.

“You were worried I was going to be like her.” I said, remembering his words when we’d been apart. “That I would lose it.” Trav shrugged.

“A little.”

“I kind of did didn’t I?” I admitted. I had been a completely different person without him. But it was a little different. I didn’t want to see him. That just made it worse. Which made me more afraid that Karlie wasn’t completely over my boyfriend. He nodded and made a face as he remembered our time apart.

"Yeah. It killed me, it made me feel ever worse than I already did because it was my fault." he explained.

"You can't help the reaction you cause in people Trav, it doesn't depend on you." I said back, once again trying to get him away from his overwhelming guilt.

"But I cause it Lila." he argued, stubborn as always. "When I saw you so unhappy and desperate because I couldn't give you what you needed..." he trailed off, shaking his head and looking down before making eye contact again, "I thought about how happy and full of life you were when we first met instead. I thought I ruined you and I never wanted to ruin you, that's why I didn't want to be with you at the beginning and why I didn't wanted to see you when you left me. I had already done enough damage." I sighed, since even though his guilt was misplaced I couldn’t help how he felt.

"It's over now, stop blaming yourself for everything."

"I don't know if I can." I rolled my eyes and then cuddled against him, playing with the hair on the nape of his neck as he held me tighter.

"I don't think you ruined me." I pointed out slowly and he let silence fall between us, running his hand up and down my back. I was exhausted from the conversation and I wanted to slip into his bed and hold him all night. "Did you live with her?" I asked, feeling the jealousy creep back into me a little.

"I did." He answered shortly.

"Here?" I asked and widened my eyes a little as I pulled my head back to look up at him.

"No. She's staying where we used to live."

“Oh.” I licked my lips thinking that how unhealthy that was, especially for someone who was having such problems with the past.

“You think that’s a bad thing.” Travis read my face, always able to interpret my expressions better than anyone.

“I think that she needs to move on physically and mentally.” I admitted. Travis nodded.

“You were sleeping with her before you met me.” I said.

“Lila.” Trav’s voice was equal parts frustrated and exhausted and I shook my head, since for once he read me wrong.

“I’m not jealous. I mean the thought of you touching another woman is awful, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean then?” He asked, his eyes narrowing, filled with questions.

“I just meant that you were living in the past too. Did that help you? Being with her again?” Travis softened a little, the look of guilt coming back.

“Not really.” He shrugged. “Mostly it was just familiar.” He cupped my face and ran his thumb against my cheek. “I was lucky to meet you.” I smiled softly, feeling like fate might have pushed us together, that maybe we were meant for each other, even though I never really believed in those things. I loved Travis with a fierceness that I didn’t even fully understand and I could feel the way he felt for me too even though we weren’t really right for each other on paper. We weren’t each other’s types, we had different thoughts, we had an age gap. But I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

“I’m not sure it was luck.” Travis’ mouth curled up a little on the side.

“Do you think it was cupid instead?” I laughed, since Trav rarely made jokes and when he did they were usually bad ones.

“Yes. A flying baby brought us together.” I nodded and then kissed him. “Whatever it was, I’m glad.” I whispered against his lips.

“Me too.”