i'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this..

i'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this.. by ssaarah 

I grinned at Wyatt through the glass separating us. He had told me he had some sort of meeting about his contract at the studio today, and even though I wasn’t sure what that really meant I wanted to stop by and see him. I was supposed to be writing all day, but I found I wrote better when I was with him. Wow that made me sound so cheesy. He gave me a signal telling me he’d be out in a minute and I waited, chatting with Chloe idly while I did before she had to get back to her desk and Wyatt came out to me. 

"I didn't know you were coming in today," he smiled and pressed his lips against mine before I even had a chance to speak. 

“Mmmm” I lingered against his lips, sliding my hands up his firm chest to wrap around his neck and press my body against his. I couldn’t help it. 

“Careful.” Wyatt grinned against my lips as I pressed my hips against his. 

“What?” 

“You keep kissing me like this and I’ll have to carry you home right now.” I bit down on my lip because honestly? It didn’t sound like a bad idea. We’d both been so busy we hadn’t had much time alone and as much fun as being on tour was….you didn’t really hook up with the rest of the band on the bus. I kind of wanted to lock myself in a room with him until the tour started. 

“I'm not objecting to that.” I said honestly, moving my hands to his waist and looking into his gorgeous eyes. 

“Good because I might do it later anyways.” I felt myself pout at the word later, but I knew my slight obsession with my boyfriend wasn’t normal. Or maybe it was and I’d just never been in a normal relationship. Either way I was hooked. I was crazy about him…. 

“What comes first?” I asked pressing another kiss against his soft lips. 

“Are you hungry?” I shook my head slowly. 

“Just ate.” Maybe it was just me, but I felt like Wyatt was tenser than usual. I was probably crazy, but I had gotten used to the way he held me close to him…but this time it was like he was holding back…just slightly. 

“Okay well I haven’t. You can watch me eat.” I felt my body blush as I pictured him eating me, and his eyes watching mine as he did. “Not that way.” He said, his eyes twinkling brightly as he read my mind. “Yet.” He added, kissing my nose and grabbing my hand. 

“I guess I could use some coffee or something.” I compromised. 

"Sounds like a date," Wyatt grinned and pulled me into his body, wrapping an arm around my waist and making me beam at him. He made me feel so lucky… 

"Is my boyfriend treating?" Wyatt grinned wider and nodded his head, 

"I will. Coffee and whatever that something is? It's on me." 

"I wish you meant literally," I said without thinking, my brain immediately showing me pictures of my gorgeous boyfriends naked body….ugh. "What's on your mind baby?" I asked as Wyatt’s eyes got a full shade darker and for a second I thought he might jump me right there…..which I would never oppose to. 

"You," he replied honestly. 

"My favorite subject," I joked and smirked up at him. "What about me?" 

"How good you look right now... I could eat you up," Wyatt smirked back, and I had to stop myself from groaning a little. 

"Please do." 

"You make it so hard for me to focus sometimes..." he trailed off and lead hme towards the cafe we always took breaks at. It was across the street from the studio and they knew every member of the bands order by heart. I slid into the L shaped booth in the corner window we usually took and pulled out my notebook. It’d become a bit of a habit, sipping coffee and eating my sandwich, writing songs while Wyatt looked over my shoulder and cuddled up against me. It was kind of my happy place I'm not gonna lie. Wyatt set his hand on my thigh and rubbed softly making me look back at him. 

“You’re distracting me.” I told him he shrugged. 

“Oh well.” Lauren the waitress brought out our food and I pulled my hair out of my face so I could focus on the new song I was writing. What I really needed to do was write another duet, our last one went over more than well. Probably because Wyatt’s voice even rivaled mine and I was a pretty touch critic. But one song at a time. Wyatt nudged me and I looked up at him. 

“What?” 

“That song is about sex.” He pointed to my notebook and I gave him a slow smile. 

“So?” he shook his head and laughed. 

“When we show that to the guys they will never stop teasing us.” I bit down on my lip. I guess it was a little different writing about relationships when the guy you were dating was in your band. But what can I say? I wrote about what I knew. 

“It just implies sex.” I replied, biting down on my lip as he shook his head. 

“You’re unbelievable.” I smirked wider and pointed towards the second verse. 

“So are you. See?” Wyatt actually blushed a little, making me kind of want to throw myself at him right here, he was so perfect I felt like I was addicted. “I’ll write a duet next. All for the next album, after the tour I mean.” I smiled and he froze a little. 

“Right.” I stared at him, but his whole body language had changed, his hand pulled away from me….to sip his coffee but still. 

“You okay?” he nodded, still not looking back at me. 

“Fine. Hows your soup?” I just blinked at him, because I had the exact same soup and salad every time and it was always the same. Okay. 

“Okay…” I trailed off. Wyatt reached for my left hand and gave it a squeeze before bringing it up to hs lips and kissing my knuckles. 

"Sorry, I have a lot on my mind," he said quietly. 

"Then talk to me," I retorted, looking into his eyes and dying a little over how good looking he was. 

"I was thinking about Logan moving in with me," he replied and I widened my eyes. He was pretty young to take on all the responsibility of a teenager. Not that I thought he couldn’t do it, but it’d be a huge effort. 

"Like taking custody of him?" he shook his head, 

"He's only got a few more years until he's 18 and goes off to college... My aunts amazing for taking him in, but -" 

"I understand," I understood how he felt at least….well as much as an outsider could. I’d never lost my family or had any siblings, but the love he had for his brother? It was incredible. And I knew he felt like a surrogate parent. 

"Do you?" I shrugged, 

"You feel bad. He's your little brother and you want to be there for him... taking care of him." 

"Do you think it's a good idea?" he asked, making me beam inside because he actually looked like he cared about my opinion. 

"I think it's a bigger responsibility than you realize and your life isn't exactly stable. We've booked tours, TV shows..." I trailed off and looked down at my notebook, doodling on the corner of the page. 

"But he's my brother," he said back, like it should be the only excuse I needed and really, I think he thought it was. 

“Yeah exactly.” I said, trying to put myself in his shoes, or even in Logan’s. I didn’t have siblings so I guess I wasn’t the best sounding board, but I did have an opinion and if he wanted it I’d give it to him. I guess that was a character flaw. I never knew when to shut up. 

“What do you mean yeah exactly?” Wyatt snapped back and I ran my hands through my hair. 

“I mean if what you want is to give him more stability? I don’t think having him move in with you is going to give him that. What it will give him? Is a decent sized apartment on the upper west side that never has any supervision.” 

“I’ll be there!” Wyatt protested but I just gave him a look. 

“When exactly are you planning on being there? You hardly even sleep there, and yeah I would understand if you wanted to cut back your time with me to be with your brother, that’s totally fine….but you’re not even going to be in town for most of this year.” 

“He needs me.” I nodded. 

“Maybe. But from what I know about Logan he acts out when he’s not getting paid enough attention to…at least the way he wants it. What do you think he’ll do living all alone?” I questioned it for him and I could see Wyatt’s brain going through a million possibilities before he set his head in his hands and shook it. 

“Fu.ck….” I scooted closer to Wyatt and ran my tongue over my lips slowly. 

“Hey. I know I don’t really understand family stuff, but I do know that it should come first….and if you need some time off from the band….I can hire a sub….” 

“I was offered a solo contract today Aua.” Wyatt said out of nowhere. I just blinked at him. Then I swallowed because my mouth suddenly felt dry. 

“So…..you’d leave the band.” Wyatt nodded slowly. 

“And I’d have a few years of writing music, studio time….” 

“Time to be with Logan.” He nodded slowly. But it wasn’t just that. Wyatt was an incredible musician. It wouldn’t take very long before he got even bigger than me. Hell the only reason we had a European tour was because they were obsessed with our duet. It was everything that I wanted for him. But more for him? Meant less of him for me and the way I felt….I didn’t even know how to explain it…I didn’t know what to say except- “I love you.” Wait what?!? I felt panicked, I searched for an invisible rewind button in my head because surely I didn’t mean that, I’d never said it to anyone before ….I thought when I did I’d know it for sure, I’d have a special time and place it wouldn’t just spew out of me like that but oh my god. I did. I loved him. What was I going to do? And Wyatt……he was just staring at me. Staring at me as if I’d just sprouted an extra head or something. This was too much. I couldn’t handle it. I needed to leave….and so that’s just what I did. 

"Aura, wait," I heard Wyatt call after me but I was already out the door and trying to hail a cab even though I knew he was going to follow me. 

"You don't have to say anything," I said before he had the chance to speak. It was a little too late now anyways…. 

"I think I do instead," he replied, as I tried to look everywhere but at him. 

"You don't. I take it back," I said seriously and he laughed….he actually laughed. Because this was so damn funny!?! I glared at him, finally looking in his eyes. 

"What?" 

"You can't just take it back," he told me and grinned slowly, stepping closer to me and breaking the distance by cupping my face, "Is that how you really feel?" 

“Does it matter?” Wyatt looked at me. 

“Of course it matters.” I swallowed. 

“It doesn’t though. Not if you’re leaving the band. Not if you don’t feel anything too.” Wyatt gave me a look that told me I’d hit a nerve. 

“I never said I didn’t feel anything.” I rolled my eyes because that wasn’t what I’d meant. God love was exhausting….and way too emotional for my liking. 

“I meant it. But I still take it back.” Wyatt smirked and pushed my hair back. 

“Why me Aura?” I blinked back at him. 

“Because you’re incredible? Because you’re talented and amazing and gorgeous and loyal and sexy as hell and I can totally be myself around you and still feel like that’s the girl you want to be with.” Wyatt grinned. 

“That’s a good answer baby.” I nodded. The more I talked about it the more I knew it was true. I was totally in love with him. But being in love with someone? Made you damn vulnerable and I didn’t like feeling vulnerable. I liked feeling in control, in charge of my emotions. But I wasn’t right now and all I wanted to do was run away. 

“I need to get home….and take a shower.” I said lamely, not wanting to be in this awkward I love you limbo for a second longer. 

"Is that an invitation?" he asked and pulled me into him. His arms felt good but I was still in an unrequited I love you limbo. I couldn’t even look at him without my chest tightening. I needed to get out of here. I wanted to go to bed for a week. No. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and be back to where I was this morning when everything was perfect. 

"I'm tired Wyatt..." I shrugged my shoulders as I lied and Wyatt slid his hand down to my wrist and tugged me back into where I fit so well against him, using his other hand to caress my cheek, 

"You know that I care about you right?" 

"Of course," I nodded and forced the smallest of forced smiles. "I'll call you." 

"Don't you want to know why?" I raised a brow questioningly, 

"Why what?" 

"Why I want to be with you?" he asked and pressed a kiss on my forehead and then my nose, smiling as it wrinkled before pressing another chaste kiss against my lips. God it was so hard to focus on anything when he was kissing me…."After losing da.mn near everything in my life? You are my reason to wake up in the morning... or stay in bed if you're in it with me," he said seriously and I grinned. 

"You're cheesy..." 

"Because I can be cheesy as h.ell and you still love me," he grinned back at me. "Your talent is overwhelming. I could watch you for hours because you amaze me... and you're breathtaking. You are so fu.cking gorgeous Aurora." But you don’t love me. I thought it in my head but I couldn’t let the words form because I knew if I did I’d totally lose it. 

“But?” was all I said instead, the word almost like poison in my mouth because the look on Wyatt’s face. I was torturing him. I could tell he couldn’t explain himself and it wasn’t his fault. Wasn’t his fault if he didn’t feel the same way. Hell that was my fault. 

“But….but nothing baby….I’m crazy about you.” He’d said that to me before of course. But now? Now everything was different. And every time he said the words I and you with anything but love in between them? It killed me. Not because I was angry, or mad at him, or upset that he cared about me. I knew those things. I loved those things. But…it wasn’t the same…and oh my god I wanted to take the words back so bad I could barely breathe. 

“You should sign that contract.” I said out of nowhere, but as soon as I’d said it I knew it was the right thing for him. He had to sign it. He couldn’t turn that down. I wouldn’t turn that down ever. Hell I dropped everything and left the minute I got one. And he was doing it so he could spend more time with his family? He was a better man than I even understood. No wonder I was so in love with him. 

“Aura…” he trailed off, his whole face full of worry. 

“You should. You deserve it. And you should take custody of Logan. That would be good for him. For both of you.” I nodded. He reached for me and I felt my body tense. 

“Don’t pull away from me Aurora…..” Wyatt trailed off, pleading in his eyes, but there was nothing he could do. If he didn’t feel it he didn’t feel it. I couldn’t force him to love me. That was ridiculous. I cupped his face in my hand and pressed a soft kiss against his, lingering against his lips longer than I’d intended because….well because I never had any restraint when it came to him. I never had. 

“I'm just tired Wyatt.” I lied. 

"You're tired," Wyatt repeated, making it sound pathetic when really….I knew it was. We both knew I was lying. But instead of admitting it I just nodded and Wyatt shrugged. "Fine." 

"Fine?" I asked and raised a brow….I didn’t know why I was questioning him, he was giving me what I wanted but for some reason I wanted to get caught or something. I was so crazy. 

"You're pushing me away Aurora," he said flatly, his voice not doing anything to mask the hurt he was feeling. Which I didn’t want….but what was I supposed to do?! Why was I the bad guy when all I did was tell him I loved him? 

"We don't... you don't -" 

"Do you honestly think I don't feel the same way about you?" He cut me off, knowing where I was going without me even having to say it. 

"Wyatt..." I trailed off….this morning? I thought we were on the same page. I thought that we felt the same way about each other when I woke up in his arms. But now? It was hard to believe. 

"Do you want me to ride back to your apartment with you?" 

“Do you want to?” I asked, not really meeting his eyes. 

“I don’t know are you going to look at me at all?” he snapped back. I lifted my eyes to his, saw the emotion behind him and swallowed. 

“What do you want me to say Wyatt?” I asked vulnerably before turning to the cabby and handing him some cash. “Sorry for making you wait. I'm just going to walk.” Wyatt still hadn’t said anything so I used the opportunity to turn down the street but when I did I felt him walking next to me. 

“I fu.cked up I know…” he trailed off, acting like this was the hardest conversation he’d ever had. 

“YOU did?” I asked, looking sideways at him. “Don’t be silly.” I shook my head and he grabbed my arm. 

“I'm sorry…” I smiled even though this was anything but funny. 

“Don’t be sorry. I was the one who made this so awkward.” I admitted. 

“Aura come on….” Come on? Come on what? Come on just blow past the fact that I like you more than you like me? Blow past the fact that we were probably going to see a LOT less of each other? Blow past the fact I’d need to find another fu.cking replacement and probably lose the one guy I ever loved? Sure. I’d get right on that. 

“Maybe we should just cut our losses.” I said shaking my head and looking at the ground. Wyatt grabbed my wrist and made me stop. 

“Are you trying to dump me right now?!” he asked incredulously. I just looked at him, not saying anything and he grabbed my face in his hands. “No.” he said it with such a fierceness my heart swelled. 

“But-“ 

“But nothing!!!” he replied just as sternly. “I'm not leaving you. You can’t tell me you love me and then dump me that’s fu.cking ridiculous. Unless you were lying.” 

“I wasn’t lying.” 

“Then trust how you feel about me Aura. Trust in us….” 

“How?” I asked, because honestly the thought of losing him…..it made me almost breathless just thinking about it. 

"What do you mean how?" Wyatt asked curiously, looking like he felt totally out of his element. 

"How are we supposed to be together when you're leaving the band? When you don't even feel the same way about me?" I heard my voice catch and I hated myself as Wyatt looked down. 

"I never said I was leaving the band. I told you it was an option... if it means that much to you? I'll tell him no," he said, sounding honest but still frustrated. 

"No. Take it," I said and pulled my wrist from out of his grasp to fold my arms over my chest. "It's a good deal and you're talented. You deserve it and I'm happy for you." 

"If you truly felt that way? You wouldn't be acting like this," he said flatly. 

"Acting like what Wyatt? I'm trying to be supportive!!" he shook his head, 

"You're afraid you'll lose me and because of that, you're trying to push me away." 

“I know that!” Wyatt blinked, as if he wasn’t expecting me to admit it. “What?! I'm not stupid. But what am I supposed to do? Fall even more in love with you and lose you then?! This is hard enough as it is.” I swallowed thickly to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. I never cried. Then again….I’ve never been in love. 

“Then don’t do it.” Wyatt replied as if it were the easiest thing in the world. He pulled me into his body, his hands pushing back my hair and then holding me close. 

“It would be selfish of me to try to get you to stay.” I was looking at him though, and the look in his eyes. It felt like love to me. It felt like losing me was just as devastating to him as the prospect of losing him was for me. But then what was the problem? Why were we here having this….was it a fight?! When we should have been celebrating a new step in our relationship. 

“So be selfish Aura! I want to know how you really feel not just something you think you should say!” 

“Well I don’t think I should say I love you anymore.” I snapped back and Wyatt groaned. That’s what a girl wanted after declarations of love. Frustrated groans. 

“Since when do you ever hold back?!” I narrowed my eyes at him. 

“Fine. I think you deserve every opportunity you get and you’d be huge if you went solo. But you’d be just as big if you stayed with the band. If it’s more music you want? I’d give it to you. More solo’s? They’re yours. I wouldn’t hold you back. Ever. I think you’re too easy on your brother and getting him away from an authority figure wouldn’t be in his best interest. You’re still his brother, his friend, and friends aren’t parents. And you want to know what the last thing I think is? I think you’re the one who’s afraid, because you’re the one talking shi.t about how you want to hear my feelings but you’re too pus.sy to share any of your own. So there. That’s me not holding back.” 

"You want to know how I feel?" he repeated, looking as conflicted as I felt myself. "I'm shocked for one because this might be the first time you asked me that question." …..wait what?! 

"That's not true." 

"Isn't it though?" he asked and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Everything we do is about you. Your music, your emotions, your feelings." I blinked….totally thrown aback and suddenly realizing what he was saying. 

"Is that why you don't love me?" 

"I do love you Aurora, but if you needed to get that out of me like this? Then there's obviously something wrong with our relationship," he said flatly. Holy shit. How could something so wonderful…sound so awful? "You should know how I feel, but you're always too busy focusing on your own feelings that I shouldn't be surprised that you haven't realized it." I stared at Wyatt for a second as I processed his words. Oh my god. I was so fu.cking selfish. What was wrong with me?! 

“I have to go.” I walked briskly in the opposite direction, feeling like I needed a second to deal with this new realization before it hit me that I was doing it again! I was making this about me and not about him!! I turned back around and pressed my body against his. “I'm sorry.” Wyatt swallowed and looked at the ground but when I reached both my hands for his he squeezed them. 

“I'm sorry.” He echoed. 

“No….you’re right. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend….clearly.” I barely made a decent person. 

“That’s not what I said.” Wyatt replied, still looking defeated. I pulled one hand away from his to slide up his chest and cup his face. 

“I was a bit.ch earlier. Hell I'm usually a bit.ch…I know that, but I didn’t know I kept it up even with you I just…..I’m not used to being so close to someone.” I admitted. 

“I know.” Wyatt said softly. 

“I'm scared that if you sign on that you’ll leave me.” I admitted. “And I know that’s my own feelings again but….” I sighed. “I really do love you….I don’t want to lose you. You make me so happy. Making you happy makes me happy….” I choked back the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm me. “Damn I do not deserve you….if you love me? I'm one lucky bit.ch.” I smirked and Wyatt’s face broke into a smile. 

“I’d argue with you. But you have a point.” He teased, setting his forehead against mine. 

“I’ll be better….” I promised, because really…..I didn’t want to be without him.