Caleb opened his door and saw me standing there in my little green sundress, holding a whole basket full of pastries. When things in life got hard, I baked. And Caleb not coming over after spending the night inside of me was definitely a good reason to cook like a crazy person. "Hi." U smiled and blushed a little, my eyes looking up at him.
"Hi." He looked over in my basket. "Are you feeding a small army?"
I blinked away from him and looked in my basket. "Oh! No I always bring the extras I have to the battered women's shelter but I thought I'd see if you wanted anything first."
He widened his eyes and shook his head. "Not if I'm taking them from battered women I don't!" He exclaimed which made me laugh. "I'm sure you could have one instead." I licked my lips. "How are you? You didn't come see me."
"Hi." He looked over in my basket. "Are you feeding a small army?"
I blinked away from him and looked in my basket. "Oh! No I always bring the extras I have to the battered women's shelter but I thought I'd see if you wanted anything first."
He widened his eyes and shook his head. "Not if I'm taking them from battered women I don't!" He exclaimed which made me laugh. "I'm sure you could have one instead." I licked my lips. "How are you? You didn't come see me."
"I....I didn't know what to say." He admitted, running a hand through his hair.
"How about, hey Tara I'd like a latte?" I asked, grinning a little.
"That seems a little too formal now that I know how it feels to be inside of you." He replied seriously.
"Yeah maybe." I replied breathily, blushing a little as I bit down on I bottom lip. "Can we talk?"
"About what?"
I shrugged my shoulders, feeling nervous with his response. Were we already to the point where he had nothing to say to me? I wondered what was on his mind. "Anything? Since when we need a topic, we're good at talking." I bit down on my lip.
"Not just at talking." He muttered under his breath, this words causing a hot wave going through my body as I took a seat on the bench out of his winery.
"Yeah apparently." I chuckled, feeling my cheeks on fire as he sat next to me. "Listen I...I don't know what to say either."
"I'm glad I'm not the only one." He nudged me softly with a smirk on his lips that was as sexy as tempting. I wanted to kiss him. No. I couldn't. Not yet at least. No.
I took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to start, "it's hard for me to talk right now because I'm a little confused." I said honestly, reaching for a tiny cookie and eating it because when I was nervous I could eat for hours. "So much happened in such a little time."
"Much more could happen in a longer time." He kept grinning at me. "What about you tell me why you snuck out this morning?" He asked, making it sound casual.
"I had to get dressed and open my bakery...I didn't mean to run away." I paused and cleared my throat, looking away from him because I couldn't say what I was about to say looking into his eyes. "The thing is, I'm not regretting what I did. What we did. It was easily one of the best nights of my life."
"You should've stayed because I wasn't done with you." He replied in a low voice that made me shiver.
"I'm regretting I didn't now." I whispered, almost as if I was talking to myself. "There's something I didn't tell you yesterday night, because I was too upset..." I trailed off.
He looked at me with a face I couldn't read.
I took a deep breath. Was I crazy to think that maybe we could have a chance? I had spent the whole day thinking about him, how I had had this amazing man under my nose for a full year and hadn't realized it. "John and I broke up."
Caleb stared at me for a moment, his face straight but the look into his eyes changing. Before I could ask him if he was okay he was tugging me into his arms and cradling my head in his hands before kissing me softly over and over again. That was a great reaction.
"Caleb-" I whispered against his mouth and he shushed me before kissing me harder, sliding his tongue into my mouth and swallowing my moans. He picked me up, walking my into his house as my hands tangled in his hair and I kissed him back just as hard.
"Mmm..I thought you wanted to talk." I smirked against his lips.
He shook his head. "Later." He walked me into his bedroom still kissing me, his body feeling so hard all over.
"Caleb...." I moaned again, anticipation almost killing me.
He set my down on my feet in his bedroom. "Fine...you talk...I'll do this."
I laughed and gripped his head as he kissed down my neck and across my collarbone. "Remind me not to kiss you when I'm trying to focus on anything ever." I breathed out before gasping as his teeth sunk into my neck just hard enough. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about John last night." I added, feeling relaxed and at ease. A little too soon apparently.
He pulled back for a second as he processed my words. What had I said? "What do you mean last night?" He asked, looking down into my passion filled eyes.
"Before we....I didn't know how to tell you. I was kind of in denial."
He swallowed as he ran his hand through his hair. "You broke up with John yesterday?" He asked, enunciating the last word but I had no idea of why. It made things better if anything, at least he hadn't had sex with his cousin's girlfriend but with his ex.
"Yeah that's why I was at the bakery. I didn't have anywhere else to go." I explained, feeling a little lost.
He tried to look to the sky, like he did when he was trying not to get mad. "So I've been beating myself up all day for no reason?" He asked, glaring down at me.
"Beating yourself up?" I looked up at him in confusion as he took a few steps back.
"For sleeping with my cousin's girlfriend? For wondering how I could still have you without him knowing? Tara you turned me into the kind of man that would help a woman cheat!"
I shook my head. That was so stupid to say. "No, that's not-"
"That's EXACTLY what you did." He corrected. "But thanks I always wondered if I was secretly a fucking asshole. Now I know I am."
"Caleb you are not an a.s-"
"John is my BLOOD. Not to mention my friend!"
"You didn't seem to have any problem betraying John when your tongue was down my throat twenty seconds ago." I replied, setting my hand on my hip. I understood guilt, I understood that the situation was bad, but he was reacting all weird and with an odd timing too.
"Because I was relieved I didn't have to go through being your secret!" He paced the room, shaking his head.
"How could you think I would cheat on John? Is that what you think about me?" I asked slowly, afraid that he could think what other people thought too. Andy, for starters.
He turned to look at me and rose a brow. "Were you broken up with him the night we went dancing?" He asked pointedly.
I opened my mouth then closed it again, feeling so...wrong. "No I wasn't." I shook my head, feeling a weight in my chest for how things were turning out. "But I'm not a cheater Caleb."
"Oh yeah? And still you kissed me even if you were still with my cousin damn it!" He said back, his voice rising and showing me a side of him I didn't know and I didn't want to know either.
"It was just a kiss." I retorted, needing some time to collect my ideas since this was completely unexpected.
He glared at me, "Just a kiss? Because-"
"It was much more than a kiss." I cut him off because I didn't want to tell lies. That kiss had given me feelings that I hadn't felt in so long. "But I wouldn't have done that with anyone else, that kiss gave me the push I needed to break up with John." I added, wanting to explain him everything.
He blinked at me, looking surprised by my words. "Did you...did you leave him because of that?" He asked slowly, his voice getting quieter again. Thank god.
"That too." I started, swallowing, "You knew it too that things weren't going well with John, you told me I deserved more and made me question my relationship with him."
"So you decided to experiment with me to know if I was right?" He asked and his voice was harsh again.
"No!!!" I almost yelled, running my hands through my hair, "I kissed you because it felt right, because that night with you I felt amazing and because you're amazing and I realized that I like you. I wouldn't have kissed any other man, it happened because it was you! And yesterday night I didn't sleep with you because I was upset, I did because I wanted to."
He shook his head, as if he was denying me, as if he didn't believe me. "Not even with Andy?"
I froze at the name. I remembered what my ex had said in front of me and Caleb that night. "That's a low blow Caleb." I said, my voice shaking a little.
"That's because I'm an asshole." He retorted.
"You're not. You can blame it all on me if you want but you're still a good man, or I wouldn't be here right now...and I'm sorry if this is awful towards John, I know it is and I feel bad for it, I never wanted to ruin your relationship. But I can't bring myself to regret sleeping with you." I said honestly, still hoping that he could understand.
Caleb shook his head and paced his bedroom, swallowing as he made a point of not looking at me. "I-I'm not.."
My hands wrap around him and turn him towards me. "I swear I wasn't keeping it from you...I just didn't know how to tell you and then I couldn't think at all when you were touching me..."
"I know the feeling." He admitted, leaning into me slightly. "I don't know what to say now."
I gave him a sweet smile and leaned up to press a kiss against his lips tentatively. "We don't have to say anything...." I trailed off slowly.
"I don't want things to change between us." He cupped my face and there he was, the usual Caleb again.
"We're still the same people even if we're more than friends." I replied, leaning into his hand.
"You're not really a casual sex kind of girl Tara."
"There was nothing casual about last night." I pointed out slowly. Caleb wasn't a stranger.
"Last night was different." He agreed. "But it's not like we're going to start dating."
I raised a brow at him, wondering why he felt the need to say that right now. "Why not?"
"....I don't date Tara."
"Why?" I asked again as I stared up into his eyes, not wanting to hear what he always said to me.
He ran his hand through his hair, "You know why." He answered instead.
I swallowed and set my hands on his chest, refusing to believe that an amazing man like him could deny himself to someone he liked. It made no sense to me and he knew that I thought that too. "Not even for me?" I questioned softly.
He pulled back once again and once again he paced his bedroom. "Mostly not for you." He said cryptically.
"What does that even mean? You always said to me I deserved better...I think you could be my better." I told him, sitting on the edge of his bed and watching him.
He turned to me abruptly, his face hard. "I'm not! I can't be! You deserve so much more than this, I could never give you what you want." He said seriously and a little hope inside of me died. Maybe I was completely out of my mind and had gotten everything wrong so now I was just making a fool out of me.
"You told me you liked me for a long time, why can't you give ourselves a chance?" I reasoned out loud, finding myself really wanting that chance. It was has if I had been blind for so long and now I was seeing things clear.
He raised one eyebrow, "Because you're my cousin's ex?" He retorted.
I shook my head, looking down at my toes, "You know there's no way I can respond to that." I said quietly, well aware that nothing could change that. "But right now I think it's irrelevant, you wouldn't want me even if John wasn't my ex."
"It's not that I don't want you." He retorted, his voice low and almost angry.
"You wanted me but now you don't anymore. I'm sorry...I thought we could try to be more than friends and more than just a one night stand." I told him quietly, thinking that I had to stop thinking I could change men. Caleb wasn't a relationship kind of man, not even for me. He didn't like me that much.
"That's not it at all. I thought we were friends have you not been listening to me when I talk?" Caleb said looking like he was a little confused too. Maybe he didn't know how to tell me how he really felt because he was afraid to upset me.
"Oh no I heard you. You're like a fucking broken record! I don't want a relationship because my marriage failed and divorced people never find love again." I rolled my eyes and he groaned.
"Tara you never even noticed me until I kissed you!!"
"That's not true!" I exclaimed.
"Bullshit!! You don't want ME, you just wanted the attention that John wasn't giving you and I was all too happy to because I've wanted you since the moment I saw you!"
"YOU CAN HAVE ME!" I shouted back, matching his level as I stood up and stuck my chin out, eyes blazing. He was starting to be just paranoid and needed a reality check.
He took a long deep breath through his nose. "I'm just going to do the same thing that John did. Worse. And you're going to realize that you don't actually want to be with me, I was just....convenient."
"That's not true." I said, my voice cracking a little. "It wouldn't have been......I couldn't have.....last night-"
He cupped my face again and watched me lick my lips as I leaned into him. "Last night was incredible. I don't regret it."
"I don't understand..."
"I don't know how to make you understand." He paused, "It's not you, trust me when I say that if things were different....I would give you the fucking moon Tara."
I shook my head because I had heard that too many times before in my life, from different men but the reality was always the same. "I think that's bullshit Caleb. And I don't mean it as you're lying, you probably really believe in what you say but I don't. It's just your brain making excuse for what you can't feel." I said quietly, trying not to get mad because it was useless. Was I a little mad though? Yes.
He narrowed his eyes on me, "You can't tell me how I feel."
I grabbed his wrists and pushed him away from me, "And you can't tell me what to believe in. I think that when you find someone you really like all the rest comes in a second place and there aren't problems that can't be solved anymore." I explained, taking a deep breath.
He shook his head again, "Its not that simple."
I shrugged, looking at him and feeling genuinely sorry for the chance we were missing. But when someone wasn't even willing to try maybe there was nothing to miss instead. "It is for me. That's the idea I have of love and relationships. As I told you before, my type is intense but I'm able to understand when there's no intensity instead."
"Tara-"
I cut him off before he could even start, offering a smile that I didn't feel and thinking I'd have time to be sad and mad later, alone. "It's probably for the best anyway. You're Johns cousin after all. Let's stick to be friends okay? I don't want to lose that." I paused, feeling like I couldn't resist a second longer into his bedroom with him, it was too hard, too humiliating. I needed to be alone. "I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow Caleb." I added, already on my way out while I wondered where the fuck was home now. I didn't even have a home anymore, I only had my bakery left.
"How about, hey Tara I'd like a latte?" I asked, grinning a little.
"That seems a little too formal now that I know how it feels to be inside of you." He replied seriously.
"Yeah maybe." I replied breathily, blushing a little as I bit down on I bottom lip. "Can we talk?"
"About what?"
I shrugged my shoulders, feeling nervous with his response. Were we already to the point where he had nothing to say to me? I wondered what was on his mind. "Anything? Since when we need a topic, we're good at talking." I bit down on my lip.
"Not just at talking." He muttered under his breath, this words causing a hot wave going through my body as I took a seat on the bench out of his winery.
"Yeah apparently." I chuckled, feeling my cheeks on fire as he sat next to me. "Listen I...I don't know what to say either."
"I'm glad I'm not the only one." He nudged me softly with a smirk on his lips that was as sexy as tempting. I wanted to kiss him. No. I couldn't. Not yet at least. No.
I took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to start, "it's hard for me to talk right now because I'm a little confused." I said honestly, reaching for a tiny cookie and eating it because when I was nervous I could eat for hours. "So much happened in such a little time."
"Much more could happen in a longer time." He kept grinning at me. "What about you tell me why you snuck out this morning?" He asked, making it sound casual.
"I had to get dressed and open my bakery...I didn't mean to run away." I paused and cleared my throat, looking away from him because I couldn't say what I was about to say looking into his eyes. "The thing is, I'm not regretting what I did. What we did. It was easily one of the best nights of my life."
"You should've stayed because I wasn't done with you." He replied in a low voice that made me shiver.
"I'm regretting I didn't now." I whispered, almost as if I was talking to myself. "There's something I didn't tell you yesterday night, because I was too upset..." I trailed off.
He looked at me with a face I couldn't read.
I took a deep breath. Was I crazy to think that maybe we could have a chance? I had spent the whole day thinking about him, how I had had this amazing man under my nose for a full year and hadn't realized it. "John and I broke up."
Caleb stared at me for a moment, his face straight but the look into his eyes changing. Before I could ask him if he was okay he was tugging me into his arms and cradling my head in his hands before kissing me softly over and over again. That was a great reaction.
"Caleb-" I whispered against his mouth and he shushed me before kissing me harder, sliding his tongue into my mouth and swallowing my moans. He picked me up, walking my into his house as my hands tangled in his hair and I kissed him back just as hard.
"Mmm..I thought you wanted to talk." I smirked against his lips.
He shook his head. "Later." He walked me into his bedroom still kissing me, his body feeling so hard all over.
"Caleb...." I moaned again, anticipation almost killing me.
He set my down on my feet in his bedroom. "Fine...you talk...I'll do this."
I laughed and gripped his head as he kissed down my neck and across my collarbone. "Remind me not to kiss you when I'm trying to focus on anything ever." I breathed out before gasping as his teeth sunk into my neck just hard enough. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about John last night." I added, feeling relaxed and at ease. A little too soon apparently.
He pulled back for a second as he processed my words. What had I said? "What do you mean last night?" He asked, looking down into my passion filled eyes.
"Before we....I didn't know how to tell you. I was kind of in denial."
He swallowed as he ran his hand through his hair. "You broke up with John yesterday?" He asked, enunciating the last word but I had no idea of why. It made things better if anything, at least he hadn't had sex with his cousin's girlfriend but with his ex.
"Yeah that's why I was at the bakery. I didn't have anywhere else to go." I explained, feeling a little lost.
He tried to look to the sky, like he did when he was trying not to get mad. "So I've been beating myself up all day for no reason?" He asked, glaring down at me.
"Beating yourself up?" I looked up at him in confusion as he took a few steps back.
"For sleeping with my cousin's girlfriend? For wondering how I could still have you without him knowing? Tara you turned me into the kind of man that would help a woman cheat!"
I shook my head. That was so stupid to say. "No, that's not-"
"That's EXACTLY what you did." He corrected. "But thanks I always wondered if I was secretly a fucking asshole. Now I know I am."
"Caleb you are not an a.s-"
"John is my BLOOD. Not to mention my friend!"
"You didn't seem to have any problem betraying John when your tongue was down my throat twenty seconds ago." I replied, setting my hand on my hip. I understood guilt, I understood that the situation was bad, but he was reacting all weird and with an odd timing too.
"Because I was relieved I didn't have to go through being your secret!" He paced the room, shaking his head.
"How could you think I would cheat on John? Is that what you think about me?" I asked slowly, afraid that he could think what other people thought too. Andy, for starters.
He turned to look at me and rose a brow. "Were you broken up with him the night we went dancing?" He asked pointedly.
I opened my mouth then closed it again, feeling so...wrong. "No I wasn't." I shook my head, feeling a weight in my chest for how things were turning out. "But I'm not a cheater Caleb."
"Oh yeah? And still you kissed me even if you were still with my cousin damn it!" He said back, his voice rising and showing me a side of him I didn't know and I didn't want to know either.
"It was just a kiss." I retorted, needing some time to collect my ideas since this was completely unexpected.
He glared at me, "Just a kiss? Because-"
"It was much more than a kiss." I cut him off because I didn't want to tell lies. That kiss had given me feelings that I hadn't felt in so long. "But I wouldn't have done that with anyone else, that kiss gave me the push I needed to break up with John." I added, wanting to explain him everything.
He blinked at me, looking surprised by my words. "Did you...did you leave him because of that?" He asked slowly, his voice getting quieter again. Thank god.
"That too." I started, swallowing, "You knew it too that things weren't going well with John, you told me I deserved more and made me question my relationship with him."
"So you decided to experiment with me to know if I was right?" He asked and his voice was harsh again.
"No!!!" I almost yelled, running my hands through my hair, "I kissed you because it felt right, because that night with you I felt amazing and because you're amazing and I realized that I like you. I wouldn't have kissed any other man, it happened because it was you! And yesterday night I didn't sleep with you because I was upset, I did because I wanted to."
He shook his head, as if he was denying me, as if he didn't believe me. "Not even with Andy?"
I froze at the name. I remembered what my ex had said in front of me and Caleb that night. "That's a low blow Caleb." I said, my voice shaking a little.
"That's because I'm an asshole." He retorted.
"You're not. You can blame it all on me if you want but you're still a good man, or I wouldn't be here right now...and I'm sorry if this is awful towards John, I know it is and I feel bad for it, I never wanted to ruin your relationship. But I can't bring myself to regret sleeping with you." I said honestly, still hoping that he could understand.
Caleb shook his head and paced his bedroom, swallowing as he made a point of not looking at me. "I-I'm not.."
My hands wrap around him and turn him towards me. "I swear I wasn't keeping it from you...I just didn't know how to tell you and then I couldn't think at all when you were touching me..."
"I know the feeling." He admitted, leaning into me slightly. "I don't know what to say now."
I gave him a sweet smile and leaned up to press a kiss against his lips tentatively. "We don't have to say anything...." I trailed off slowly.
"I don't want things to change between us." He cupped my face and there he was, the usual Caleb again.
"We're still the same people even if we're more than friends." I replied, leaning into his hand.
"You're not really a casual sex kind of girl Tara."
"There was nothing casual about last night." I pointed out slowly. Caleb wasn't a stranger.
"Last night was different." He agreed. "But it's not like we're going to start dating."
I raised a brow at him, wondering why he felt the need to say that right now. "Why not?"
"....I don't date Tara."
"Why?" I asked again as I stared up into his eyes, not wanting to hear what he always said to me.
He ran his hand through his hair, "You know why." He answered instead.
I swallowed and set my hands on his chest, refusing to believe that an amazing man like him could deny himself to someone he liked. It made no sense to me and he knew that I thought that too. "Not even for me?" I questioned softly.
He pulled back once again and once again he paced his bedroom. "Mostly not for you." He said cryptically.
"What does that even mean? You always said to me I deserved better...I think you could be my better." I told him, sitting on the edge of his bed and watching him.
He turned to me abruptly, his face hard. "I'm not! I can't be! You deserve so much more than this, I could never give you what you want." He said seriously and a little hope inside of me died. Maybe I was completely out of my mind and had gotten everything wrong so now I was just making a fool out of me.
"You told me you liked me for a long time, why can't you give ourselves a chance?" I reasoned out loud, finding myself really wanting that chance. It was has if I had been blind for so long and now I was seeing things clear.
He raised one eyebrow, "Because you're my cousin's ex?" He retorted.
I shook my head, looking down at my toes, "You know there's no way I can respond to that." I said quietly, well aware that nothing could change that. "But right now I think it's irrelevant, you wouldn't want me even if John wasn't my ex."
"It's not that I don't want you." He retorted, his voice low and almost angry.
"You wanted me but now you don't anymore. I'm sorry...I thought we could try to be more than friends and more than just a one night stand." I told him quietly, thinking that I had to stop thinking I could change men. Caleb wasn't a relationship kind of man, not even for me. He didn't like me that much.
"That's not it at all. I thought we were friends have you not been listening to me when I talk?" Caleb said looking like he was a little confused too. Maybe he didn't know how to tell me how he really felt because he was afraid to upset me.
"Oh no I heard you. You're like a fucking broken record! I don't want a relationship because my marriage failed and divorced people never find love again." I rolled my eyes and he groaned.
"Tara you never even noticed me until I kissed you!!"
"That's not true!" I exclaimed.
"Bullshit!! You don't want ME, you just wanted the attention that John wasn't giving you and I was all too happy to because I've wanted you since the moment I saw you!"
"YOU CAN HAVE ME!" I shouted back, matching his level as I stood up and stuck my chin out, eyes blazing. He was starting to be just paranoid and needed a reality check.
He took a long deep breath through his nose. "I'm just going to do the same thing that John did. Worse. And you're going to realize that you don't actually want to be with me, I was just....convenient."
"That's not true." I said, my voice cracking a little. "It wouldn't have been......I couldn't have.....last night-"
He cupped my face again and watched me lick my lips as I leaned into him. "Last night was incredible. I don't regret it."
"I don't understand..."
"I don't know how to make you understand." He paused, "It's not you, trust me when I say that if things were different....I would give you the fucking moon Tara."
I shook my head because I had heard that too many times before in my life, from different men but the reality was always the same. "I think that's bullshit Caleb. And I don't mean it as you're lying, you probably really believe in what you say but I don't. It's just your brain making excuse for what you can't feel." I said quietly, trying not to get mad because it was useless. Was I a little mad though? Yes.
He narrowed his eyes on me, "You can't tell me how I feel."
I grabbed his wrists and pushed him away from me, "And you can't tell me what to believe in. I think that when you find someone you really like all the rest comes in a second place and there aren't problems that can't be solved anymore." I explained, taking a deep breath.
He shook his head again, "Its not that simple."
I shrugged, looking at him and feeling genuinely sorry for the chance we were missing. But when someone wasn't even willing to try maybe there was nothing to miss instead. "It is for me. That's the idea I have of love and relationships. As I told you before, my type is intense but I'm able to understand when there's no intensity instead."
"Tara-"
I cut him off before he could even start, offering a smile that I didn't feel and thinking I'd have time to be sad and mad later, alone. "It's probably for the best anyway. You're Johns cousin after all. Let's stick to be friends okay? I don't want to lose that." I paused, feeling like I couldn't resist a second longer into his bedroom with him, it was too hard, too humiliating. I needed to be alone. "I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow Caleb." I added, already on my way out while I wondered where the fuck was home now. I didn't even have a home anymore, I only had my bakery left.
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