im gonna love you like i've never been broken

We walked out the doctors office in silence, finally, everything had gone well, without arguing, without fighting, but also without really connecting at all. I felt empty without him, even filled with our daughter.

"So..." I trailed off, glancing up at Jax as we headed to our cars. "Everything's fine with our baby." Jax nodded and smiled the sweet heartbreaking smile he alsways gave when I mentioned the baby.
"Yeah, thank god." he said quietly. "When's the next appointment?"
"The doctor said her assistant will call me." I replied, wishing I had some other reason to be with him, but knowing I really didn't.
"Okay good. Let me know." he said before opening his car, seeming preoccupied and I was so curious. I wanted to know more about his life. 
"Jax." I stopped him, not able to help myself as I set my hand on my stomach. "I wanted to ask you something..."
"Ask away." he said casually though I could tell he was waiting on pins and needles.
"Are you selling your house?" I breathed out.
"How do you even know?" he asked back slowly.
"It's kind of my job, isn't it?" I asked, wondering what he was thinking exactly.
"Yeah..listen I have a few things I want to talk you about." he started, taking a deep breath and I felt my stomach flip. In a bad way. "We could grab a coffee tomorrow if it's okay for you."
"Can't you tell me now?" I asked. "I'm curious." I'm more like nervous.
"I can't, I have somewhere else to go." he replied vaguely as he glanced at his watch. I had to be somewhere too but he was much more important.
"A date?" I asked.
"It's not any of your business." he answered, making me cringe. "Text me the time you want to meet me for coffee. Have a nice day Colbie." he added politely and with that he got into his car and drove off. I grumbled to myself. Jax could easily have any woman he wanted so it wasn't a huge leap to think he'd be with a girl. But really? It was too soon. I muttered curses to myself and hated how I'd agreed to help out a fellow realtor finish a sale of an apartment building downtown. I made it there a little late, Jax and finding a parking spot holding me up, and started to search through my phone for the paperwork my friend had e-mailed me. And almost ran right into Jax.
"What the-" he cut himself off, not saying anything while I saw Jackson Cole's name on my paperwork. Looks like it was my lucky day. "What are you doing here?"
"Um." I looked down at the text a fellow realtor had sent asking to help him out. It was the right address. "I'm here to meet someone to fill out final paperwork for an office." I replied.
"You're not my realtor."
"I know....Jack has freelanced for me before and I was going to be in the area anyways. He got in a fender bender." I explained. "Why are you buying an office?" Jax shook his head and stared at the sky as if this was the worse thing that had ever happened to him. "Am I that bad to hang out with?" I asked, a little annoyed at his reaction.
"I just wasn't planning on seeing you right now Colbie."
"Yeah. I remember. Not my business. You've made it very clear I'm no longer an important part of your life." I added, more than a little hurt by how easy it had been for him to move on.
"Do you need a reminder of who broke up with who?"
"I was under a lot of stress when I did that Jax." I spat back.
"Yeah. That's a great excuse."
"I was in a hospital! I don't do well in hospitals. And I'd just had a bomb dropped on me." He shook his head.
"Can we just do this?" he asked, nodding over to the building.
"Yeah. Okay sure." I pulled out the paperwork from my bag and walked into the building with him. "Are you going to even tell me what this is for?"
"It's for me." He replied.
"That's vague." I unlocked the door and walked in to the spacious room. Not too big, and it was an older building, there was plenty of character. There were large windows outlooking the city on one side, crown molding and hardwood floors that looked to be original. Or at least well restored. "Wow." I said after a moment, forgetting my anger as I looked at the beautiful space. "This is gorgeous."
"It was one of the first project's I did here in the city." Jax replied, and I heard the pride in his voice as she smiled. "I always wanted to have an office here someday." I smiled.
"You did beautiful work Jax. You have a talent." He smiled at me, the first real smile I'd gotten from him that had nothing to do with our daughter.
"Thank you."
"You need to do a final walk through. The owner of the building fixed the plumbing and air conditioning, you just need to okay it and sign the paperwork and it's all yours." he nodded and walked around, turning on the sink in the bathroom and in the small kitchenette in the corner. "Jax....are you selling your house to afford this place?" He shook his head.
"No, I need a bigger place for Ruby. With a bigger yard and a room she can grow into." I nodded since I had had the same idea myself.
"I'm selling my place too." I replied and he looked up at me.
"You love your place." I shrugged. I did love my place. I was picky, but I also knew it needed to be done.
"It's not big enough for 3 people." I replied. "Especially a girl who'll want her own space away from her brother." I smirked.
"Yeah."
"Jax." I whispered and he looked up, not saying anything but clearly waiting for me to go on. "Why didn't you fight for me?" I asked softly.
"Don't fuc.king put this on me Colbie. I've fought for you every step of the way. Why didn't you fight for me?! If you loved me why did you run away every time we took a step forward?"
"You knew that about me!! I'm scared! I have a past!"
"I have a past too!!! You don't get to use your past as an excuse for pushing me away over and over and over!"
"I don't want to push you away anymore! I miss you so much." I admitted.
"Stop."
"No. I won't stop. If you want me to fight for you that's what I'll do because I love you and I want us to be a family." Jax just shook his head, looking almost pained. Was my love so bad?
"No Colbie, we've already talked about this."
"But it's different now! I know I f.ucked up and I panicked and I made a huge mistake, but I know that now...I'm ready now." I pleaded, knowing I was saying these things at the wrong time but better late than never right?
"If you had said this to me one month ago I would've been the happiest man on earth. I never wanted anything else more than this."
"You can have it now." I said quickly and took a step towards him.
"I don't trust you anymore Colbie." he said bluntly, in a voice that sounded almost hard. I felt my eyes widen and my mouth part as I tried to think of words.
"Why? I didn't do anything that bad..." I trailed off feeling lost. I had been awful....I knew it. But awful enough for him not to see how much I loved him?
"You said you loved me but you said you didn't trust your feelings too." he answered quietly. "How can I trust you now? How can I know you won't change your mind again? If it was just us I'd take the risk, but I have to think about Ruby. Will too. We can still have a chance to be good parents without being together and I know for sure I wouldn't even want to see you again if you f.ucked me over one more time."
"But I won't! I promise!" I protested and for a moment it looked like he was going to come to me, to hold me. I wanted it so bad I almost reached for him.
"I don't mean to upset you or make things harder Colbie, please respect my decision." he told me, his words breaking my heart as he ran a hand through his hair and turned away from me.
"No." I said resolutley. Holding my ground. I was willing to let my heart break over and over if it was for Jax. He was worth it. He was worth everything.
"Colbie it's OVER!" I shook my head.
"I'm not giving up."
"You're wasting your time." I shook my head, everything becoming clearer the more I thought about it.
"Time spent fighting for love isn't wasted."
"This isn't a romance novel Colbie." I nodded.
"No. It's better. Because we're real. Because I know you love me and I know that there isn't another woman alive who will love you the way I do. I know I fu.cked up. I know you don't trust me with your heart. But I'll do whatever it takes to prove that I'll never let you down again." I saw a glimmer of hope in Jax's eyes, barely even a second and if I didn't know him so well I'd never have noticed because it was gone that quickly. But it was enough for me.
"Give me the damn papers Colbie. I don't want to talk about this anymore." I smiled and handed them to him.
"I love you Jackson." I said seriously as he signed the papers and he groaned.
"Actions speak louder than words." He replied in a pained voice.
"Then I better start acting." I replied.
"No Colbie. Stop it because you're p.issing me off." Jax groaned again but I didn't care.
"You used to be more patient."
"Because I used to be in a happy relationship." he retorted harshly.
"You can have it again." I said shrugging, and trying not to be hurt by the tone and his words.
"No." he spat and gave me the papers back. I checked to make sure they were done correctly and slid them into my bag.
"You'll change your mind." I said, though I wasn't really sure. I'd never fought for anyone in my life, besides Will and that was different. He had to love me.
"Sure." Jax said flatly. "I gotta keep going, I have a busy day. Thank you for doing you job."
"What are you even doing with an office? Where are you living now?" I asked before he could leave.
"I'll tell you everything tomorrow."
"Uhm no." We were already here for heaven's sake. He was pissy but he didn't have to be dumb. "Now."
"God you're impossible today." he muttered under his breath. "For now I'm still living at my house but I'll move to the cabin soon."
"But that's so small! And far!" I pointed out.
"20 minutes is not far and I'm alone for now so I don't need much space." he explained.
"That doesn't explain this office."
"I quit my job and started my own company. Cole contractor." he told me and I felt my eyes widen so big I was afraid they'd stick that way.
"Where did you take the money? Is that why you're selling your house?" If he had told me I would have helped him, or had someone I knew invest with him. I had plenty of contacts.
"Oh my god Colbie what's this obsession with my house?! I already told you why I'm selling it. I don't need that money for this." he motioned around, "I got it all covered."
"Did you start a loan? Jax you're not working right now you can't pay a loan." I went on, already thinking I could go to the bank and take over his loan but he shot me down before I could keep going on.
"I'm a grown up man I know how life works." he said flatly. "Travis helped me with everything." I widened my eyes again as I took in everything he was saying. Then I threw my arms around him, tight.
"I'm so happy for you." I whispered into his ear. "You deserve this so much you're amazing." Jax sighed and hugged me back, longer than I think he had planned but not long enough for me because being in his arms was almost like giving a drug addict the best drugs.
"Thanks Colbs." He replied, the use of the nickname flipping my stomach.
"You're really going to stay at the cabin?" He nodded.
"It's not that big of a deal. Just until I find a place I lo-"
"You could move in with me instead." I offered, interrupting him.
"Dear god Colbie. You can go from dumping me to asking me to move in, you're acting like a crazy person."
"The cabin is the first place we made love." I replied, my whole body feeling dizzy as I thought about it. His jaw set as he glared at me.
"You mean the time you almost ran out the door the second you came?" I rolled my eyes, because of course he'd see something bad in that.
"I prefer to think of it as the time I'd felt most alive in my whole life up to that point."
"You're impossible."
"We should have se.x." He widened his eyes and then glared at me even harder.
"What the fu.ck? No Colbie!" I pouted because honestly it sounded like an excellent idea to me.
"I know my body isn't the same..." I trailed off.
"Are you out of your mind? I might take you back to the doctor to make sure that this baby isn't giving you crazy brain!!!" I tilted my head to the side.
"I don't have crazy brain! But it was like this with Will too I feel so ho.rny all the time it's exhausting. Is this what it's like to be a man?"
"Go home Colbie. I can't hear this anymore." I growled at him because I was being serious and he seemed to think I was making a big joke.
"See this is why you're suppossed to have babies when you're in a relationship. Then you have someone who has to fu.ck you even though your fat."
"I don't want to fu.ck you because YOU BROKE MY HEART!!!!!!" It was like he broke in that moment and I felt myself break a little bit too.
"I broke mine too."
"That's your own fu.cking fault." He paced the room. "Jesus Colbie. You're a grown woman you don't get to have what you want whenever you want it just because you always have!!!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"NO! You have the perfect fu.cking family, where everyone is beautiful and charming and successful and the perfect job, and the perfect son and you think you can fu.ck with any man who walks into your life!"
"You are the ONLY man I've let into my life in years!!!! And my family isn't perfect! And if we're successful it's because we worked our as.ses off! Do you know how long it took me to become successful?! Years! I was working 3 jobs before Parker found out and forced me to take his help. And he built a company out of nothing without even a college degree because he was busy providing for our family when our dad DIED! I'm not perfect. I know I don't always get what I want. But I do get the things I need and I NEED you Jackson. Because I'm broken without you."
"You were doing just fine before me." He pointed out, looking as exhasperated as I felt.
"No I wasn't! I was never happy, my days were all the same and I thought I'd be forever alone." I protested, set on proving my point.
"You're exhausting me Colbs." Jax ran his hands over my face and I felt like shaking him.
"How?! By telling you the truth?!" I challenged him, narrowing my eyes.
"Do you want me to tell you the truth?" he asked and I nodded. "Everything is always about you. Every single thing. Even now that you just told me the story of your life and your family it was all aiming to prove me how hard you worked, how your brothers did all they could to become what they are....you know what? I'm tired of hearing this story over and over again." It took a second to take that in.
"I thought you liked my brothers." I said slowly.
"And I do. Except for the cop that is out of his f.ucking mind. I like how close you all are and you really have an amazing family but first of all? I'm pretty sure they hate me now. But that doesn't even matter right now, because in all this I wonder where I stand. Just because I don't spend half of my time telling you the story of my family it doesn't mean we didn't have out struggles. It's not a f.ucking competition Colbie...do you have idea of the sacrifices my parents had to make for us? Do you know why Travis is so successful? Have you ever wondered how much that costed him? Or why I spent the last ten years of my life with a s.hitty job that could gave me no perspective? Did you ask yourself what I had been through because of you? No. Because you're pregnant. Because you hate hospitals. Because your husband was an a.sshole. You always had a reason to put me second. What's left for me? Nothing. And as you can see by my new life choices I'm tired of being second."
"I wasn't that bad." I retorted, but it was weak....because maybe I had been.
"I told my parents about the baby." he said seriously, "They're happy, because a new life is always an amazing thing. But my mom is heartbroken because she wanted for me what have always counted the most for her. A loving family. I can't even look at her without feeling awful and the worst part is that I had to do all I can not to make you look like the one who destroyed everything, because I don't want them to resent the mother of my baby."
"Why didn't you tell me these things?" I asked, trying to push past his accusations of what a selfish bit.ch I was because....well because I was afraid he was right.
"What?"
"I told you everything. Apparently too many times since you never want to hear it again, but I still shared. Why don't I know about your childhood and why you've decided you weren't good enough to do this until now?"
"Colbie this doesn't matter!"
"I know more about TRAVIS than I know about you." I replied.
"Because Lila has a big mouth." I shook my head.
"No." I glared at him. "Because Travis told me himself. I know about his pain. I don't know about yours."
"If Travis told you anything it was because he didn't want me to go through what he did."
"Okay. So why didn't you tell me anything? If our relationship was all about me and you wanted more then why did you let me get away with it? God I can't believe I didn't even realize it until now."
"Good then you can use that anger to get over us." He snapped.
"No. Even if our relationship was far from perfect I know what I felt when I was with you. When we were being real. When you fell in love with my son just as much as me. More probably." I laughed a little even though that wasn't funny. Mostly that I was jealous of my son.
"So use it Colbie. Use what you learned from us to find what you're really looking for. Someone you won't doubt your feelings for or run from at every chance."
"I don't want anyone else. It makes me sad that I never got to know more about what makes you who you are, but that means that there's so much more for us to become if you'd let me."
"Stop."
"I will. For today. But I swear Jax I'll find a way to prove that I won't make the same mistakes again. I need to grow up too, just like you're doing, figure out why in the hell I was always putting myself first when I had a guy like you who wanted to give me the world. But I don't want the world. I just want you." He just stared at me for what felt like forever, finally his shoulders slumped.
"Okay." he said eventually.
"Okay?! Really?!"
"No Colbie, not okay as okay to what you want." he explained quickly, "Okay I heard what you said and I'm too tired to tell you something decent or argue. So okay, I got the message but also okay I'm glad you're going to stop for today."
"You're sounding silly."
"Oh God." he muttered under his breath and shook his head, "I have somewhere else to go now."
"I'll see you soon." I nodded and smiled because I was not giving up. I grinned at him as he sighed and opened the door for me, waiting for me to walk outside before closing it behind me.
"Colbie." he stopped me before I could get into my car, "Drive safe."