if i fall for you ill never recover

"You don't look happy." I pointed out, walking up to Tara as she frowned at a beautiful cake.
"What?" She looked shocked that anyone was there and broke into a smile when she saw me, something that always almost knocked me off my feet.
"What did that cake ever do to you?" I asked, shooting her a little smirk to let her know I was just teasing.

"Oh. No. The cake is perfect." She smiled. "But I made it so." She shrugged and I laughed.
"I would comment on your modesty, but I've had your cakes and they are always perfect." She nodded.
"Exactly." I took a step closer to her and shot her a significant look.
"So then why do you look upset?" I asked. She shrugged.
"Just home stuff." She shook her head and I must have visibly winced when she laughed. "See you don't want to hear about it."
"No...I didn't." I sighed as I recollected my thoughts. "I don't want to be nosy is all." I admitted.
"You don't really seem like the nosy type Caleb." She laughed and then took a second to look over me, making me very aware of....well of everything. "You look so nice." she smiled.
"Do I usually not look nice?" I asked, looking down at my suit which was pretty similar to the ones I always wore.
"The blue in your tie brings out your eyes." She shrugged.
"Thanks." I replied, not really knowing how else to respond. I could tell her that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, but that would probably be innapropriate. Besides she was in her apron her hair up in a messy bun at the top of her head, she'd never believe me.
"Shouldn't you be with a date or something?" She asked.
"Why are you always trying to get me to date?"
"I don't try to get you to date." She shook her head, leaning back against the table, "It's just that it seems impossible to me that a man like you doesn't have a girl on his side."
"A man like me?"
"Handsome." she shrugged and I chuckled as I scratched the back of my neck.
"I don't want a relationship."
"So you keep saying." she paused, shooting me a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, "Not even for the mystery girl?" Ugh. Why did I ever tell her about that?
"No and it's for the best, trust me." I made a face and she sighed and hopped up on the table behind her, looking like she had more than just cake and my love life on her mind.
"I trust you. Maybe it's better staying single, relationships are overrated sometimes." she said as she stared out in front of her, none of her usual spark in her voice.
"You're not sounding you." I replied, looking down at her until she finally met my eyes. She bit down on her lip and I saw her eyes get glassy. Fu.ck. She was going to cry. I didn't know what to do with crying women. 
"I'm sorry I'm having a bad day." she said, her voice breaking as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. 
"Hey, Tar." I said, lifting up her chin, "Are you crying?"
"No." she replied stubbornly but more tears fell, no matter how hard she was trying to fight them. "I'm okay." She clearly wasn't and even though my brain told me not to I stepped between her open legs and wrapped my arms around her warm body.
"Don't cry, please." I whispered and felt her lean into me.
"I'm sorry." she breathed out, her face hiding against my chest for a moment.
The feel of her was almost overwhelming as she hid against my chest, pressing tight as her body shook slightly.
"You don't have to be sorry for having emotions" I replied, fighting the urge to touch her more, tangle my fingers in her hair or run my hands down the curve of her back. Or kiss her. I couldn't remember the last time I wanted to kiss someone so badly.
"Because you have so many?" She asked, pulling away and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as she smirked at me.
"Was that a joke?" I shot her a grin and she nodded as she wiped her eyes again.
"Fuc.k I'm a mess, people will be here soon." I bit my tongue as she combed her fingers through her hair. She didn't curse that often and it got to me whenever she did. What the hell was wrong with me that a woman was crying in front of me and I'm wondering what it would take to make her curse in bed. It didn't help that she wasn't a mess at all, in fact she looked beautiful with bright watery eyes and slightly pink cheeks. I was sure this was what most girls wished they looked like when they cried.
"You have time, the ceremony is taking forever." I admitted. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"The ceremony?" she asked and shook her head as she forced a smirk, probably because it was easier. "No I'm not interested."
"Not what I meant, silly." I said, taking a step back to a more appropriate distance between friends. Tara shook her head again, this time more seriously.
"No...I'm already embarrassed enough I cried in front of you." she took a deep breath, jumping down the table and redoing her hair on the top of her head.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about." I said back quietly.
"But you're John's cousin I don't want you to get caught in our fights." she explained and broke eye contact, pulling some kind of lip product from her pocket and applying it.
"Are you guys fighting?" I asked, blinking at her.
"Oh god I'm talking too much." she muttered under her breath, "Forget I said anything. We have problems like any couple...the normal problems you don't have because you don't want a relationship."
"You can talk to me if you want...I'm your friend, not just Johns cousin." I said slowly and sounded a little uncertain, because I was.
"Don't use my words against me."
"I only ever quote the smartest people." I replied, leaning in slightly.
"Flattery isn't going to get you anywhere." I rode a brow at her.
"Trust me Tara that if I was going to flatter you I would have much more to say." This time she widened her eyes at me.
"What..." She trailed off. "Like what?" She finished, blushing a little.
"Now you're trying to get me to flatter you?" I questioned, knowing at this point I was almost flirting and that could get me into dangerous territory.
"No!" She said back almost too quickly.
"Oh so you're just stalling so you don't have to talk about john." I guessed.
"Maybe." She bit down on her lip and I resisted the urge to groan but couldn't resist reaching out and tugging it from her teeth before running my thumb over her lower lip. I could feel her eyes on me and for a second the world stopped as I looked at her sweet pink mouth.
"I won't tell him if that's what you're worried about" I said almost too softly.
"...tell him?" She whispered as I struggled to pull away and set my hand in my pocket where it couldn't betray me.
"John." I said back in my normal voice. "That you're mad at him. Anything that you say would remain between us." Tara blinked.
"I swear sometimes I feel like you're letting me in and then two seconds later you're back to being closed off and business like." I scratched the back of my neck as I thought of how to respond to that. Almost kissing the hell out of her was letting her in?
"You're stalling again" I said instead.
"I say you are." she retorted, biting back a grin as she kept her eyes on me.
"How?!" Tara crossed her arms over her chest letting out a long fake sigh.
"You just are." she said stubbornly and broke into a grin, the color coming back into her face. I smiled, because I loved seeing her happy.
"You're not making much sense, so I say you're wrong and I'm right."
"Impossible, I'm never wrong." she smirked wider and poked my chest with her tiny finger while I rolled my eyes.
"So what were you saying about John?" I asked, knowing she needed to talk and also knowing I was a curious asshole. .
"You just put a smile on my face, I don't want to spoil the moment and talk about John." she said softly.
"Fine, but if you want...well, you know where to find me."
"I know where your winery is yes." she nodded like a super smartas.s.  She stepped closer, her eyes locked on my chest as she pushed my jacket open just slightly. A shock went through my body at her warm touch. "You know, one night we should just get drunk. Or even better, you can get me drunk with your delicious wine." I widened my eyes, looking down at where she was touching me and trying to find words.
"Wha-what are you doing?" I asked. Tara brushed her thumb against my chest slowly.
"My tears left a trace." she said softly. "Thank god I'm not wearing any makeup or your shirt would be ruined."
"I have plenty of shirts" I replied in that too soft voice again. "I've never seen you drunk" I pointed out, my body still stuck on that even when I knew it was quite possibly the worst idea in the world.
"I'm silly." She laughed. "I've never seen you drunk either."
"I rarely get drunk" I shrugged because it was true.
"Because you don't like losing control." She replied, shrugging.
"Yes." I agreed. "I like having my full wits about me."
"Sure, usually. But isn't it fun to let go a little sometimes and maybe do something you'll totally regret tomorrow?" She was still wiping her thumb against my shirt where her tear had been god she was so warm and soft, her breasts were up against my chest and her eyes were looking into mine with mischief if never seen in them before.
"It depends" I managed to reply.
"Depends on what?"
"If it was worth it." I answered. She smiled and nodded.
"Good answer." She took a breath, still not moving away from me and I took that moment to hug her again, but this time my whole body was in on the game. I tugged her closer, one hand on her lower back and the other cradling her head as I kissed the top of it.
"I'm sorry he made you cry." I said seriously, squeezing her body against me and meaning it, focusing hard on being a friend to a girl I honestly thought was amazing besides how fuc.king unbelievable she felt pressed up against me. We just fit so damn perfectly.
"Mmm." She sighed. "So you can hug properly." I laughed, since I knew just how awkward I was around her sometimes and she had to realize it.
"I can. I just haven't in a very long time." I admitted. She looked up at me with a silly smirk and wiggled a little in my hold.
"Why? Was it too hard?" she asked in a silly voice, but still didn't pull back as I laughed.
"No, that's not why."
"Don't you like it? Doesn't this feel nice?" she went on, sliding her arms around my waist and hugging me back, setting her cheek against my chest and sighing softly. Nice? Nice was an insult to how good this felt.
"Yes...yes it does." I relaxed for a moment moving my hand down her back to hug her tighter. She angled her head against my chest to peek up at me.
"You look like you're hating it." she teased, mistaking my tense body as something it wasn't. "Come on, it's not that bad! I promise I won't tell anyone that you can actually hug!"
"I didn't say I hate it!" I widened my eyes at her a little. "I guess I'm not used to it anymore." I added lamely.
"That's real bad. But you're lucky because I volunteer to help you, I promise I'll give you a hug a day until you'll feel comfortable with hugs again." I laughed again and Tara shot me a smile that almost brought me to my knees. I fucking loved her smile.
"I guess I should thank you." I said eventually. Tara pulled back, her hands sliding down my chest and making me almost groan.
"You will when you'll get me drunk." she pointed out. This woman was going to kill me.
"I don't know if it's a good idea-" I cut myself off when her phone started ringing. We both glanced at the table where it was resting, John's name flashing on the screen. I took a step back, "Aren't you going to answer?" Tara shook her head, looking more than a little annoyed.
"No." she quipped, not adding anything else.
"Tara..." I trailed off, hating the hurt in her eyes.
"I really don't want to talk about it." She sighed and I desperately wanted her back in my arms again.
"John...he has a tendency to take the people he loves for granted because he knows they'll always be there for him no matter what." I said, not knowing what exactly was wrong but knowing the reasons things had gone wrong with other women.
"I'm not his family. One day I won't be there." She said softly but surely and for some reason my stomach flipped. Why? If she left John I didn't get to have her. He was still my cousin, he'd be heartbroken, and Tara deserved way better than me. I was worse than John at forgetting to put relationships first and I had the divorce to prove it.
"You don't mean that." I choked out.
"Don't I?" She asked, her eyes a little checked out as if she was giving up. "I think I'm worth more than just being his roommate he never sees."
"You are." I agreed.
"You've had a big breakup right Caleb?" I widened my eyes and scratched the back of my neck.
"I don't really want to talk about-"
"Well I didn't want to talk about John but here we are." She replied, setting her hands on her hips. I sighed. She had a point, I had pushed the issue.
"Okay." I said after a moment.
"When did the sex stop?" I choked on air apparently, not expecting that in the least.
"Um...that wasn't the problem in my marriage." If anything Selene used sex as a weapon. She was up for anything and everything and as a young man I'd thought I'd won the lottery...but that was all it was.
"So it stopped after the divorce or like a month before? Two months." I nodded and swallowed thickly.
"More like two months after." I replied and she shot her head towards me as if that was the most interesting thing I'd said all day.
"Why?" I shrugged, ashamed of how I had acted with Selene, she hadn't deserved it...then again maybe we just weren't right for each other.
"It was an unhealthy relationship." I said, the words on the tip of my tongue wanting to ask why she wanted to know, if that meant her and John weren't sleeping together. I didn't want to know that I didn't want to know a damn thing about her sex life but if that was true I was going to kick johns as.s for being the worlds biggest idiot.
"You're staring." I pointed out after a few moments of silence. She blinked back at me.
"I'm sorry, I was just wondering..."
"What?" I asked quickly, wanting to know what went on in her mind.
"How could you still sleep with her? Wasn't it hard?" she wondered out loud. I scratched the back of my neck again, feeling a little uncomfortable because my time with Selene wasn't my best moment.
"It was...complicated." I said back, not adding anything else.
"For me once a relationship is over...is over." she said, thinking aloud, "Sex out of a relationship is sad, no matter how good it can be."
"Every relationship is different." I replied. "Every person is different."
"Yes I know, but for me it's just too painful" she tried to explain, shaking her head, "I kept sleeping with my first ex boyfriend for so long after we broke up, and I kept hoping we could back together so everytime he reached out I went back to him, even if it was just for a night." I studied her for a second, not seeing her as the type of girl who could be used in that way. It suprised me, and made me sad. She didn't deserve that.
"How long?" I asked eventually, raising one eyebrow.
"Ten years." she confessed, surprising me once again because that was a really long time. "I was obsessed with him and I couldn't see things straight."
"Ten years...s.hit. How did it end-" I cut myself off, "Did it end?"
"Of course it ended, or I wouldn't be with John." she replied, and I felt guilty for asking but she didn't look too offended as she kept talking. "I decided it was enough after the last time I saw him. It was just sex and it made me so sad that there was no trace of the emotions we had felt in the past. I'm not proud of that."
"I'm sorry." I said seriously. "But it wasn't ever really sad with Selene..we weren't in love anymore...I'm not sure if we ever were."
"Then I'm sorry too.... But if you didn't still have feelings why would you keep hooking up?" I thought about that answer for a moment. Usually we'd end up in bed after a fight or if she had been drinking and felt lonely. I didn't like saying no to her when I'd taken so many years of her life she could have spent with a man that really loved her.
"It was good." I shrugged.
"Is that why she did it or why you did it?"
"You're awfully curious today." I laughed a little because yeah I hated talking about this but for some reason it wasn't so bad with her. Which was bizzare considering my feelings.
"I'm sorry." She blushed and I tilted her head back up.
"I don't really mind." I said, surprising myself. "It was why I did it. We were familiar and she's beautiful and it was easier to scratch that itch with her than attempting to date. I don't know why she did it. I assumed it was for the same reason but I can't read minds."
"Who finally ended it?" She asked and maybe it was that she looked genuinely concerned and interested. My family would just bit.ch if I ever talked about my ex. It was nice to talk to someone without a bias.
"I did. She started seeing another man and I didn't want her to mess it up with him." Tara nodded and I could see the wheels turning in her head. Probably realizing I was more fu.cked up than even I admitted to.
"It makes sense." she said simply, shrugging her shoulders even if she didn't sound to convinced.
"Relationships are hard. And complicated." I paused before grinning to make the moment lighter, "That's why I don't want to have one."
"Yes I think I heard you say that at least one thousand times." Tara laughed. "How it was to be married?" I winced.
"Why do you want to know?"
"I'm curious because I want to get married one day...but maybe it's better if you don't answer." she winked since we both knew how I felt about marriage. "John doesn't like your ex wife." she pointed out after a moment.
"Yeah." None of my family did. But she didn't really do anything wrong.
"Can I say one last thing then I promise I won't bring up your marriage for at least one month?" Tara tried with an adorable look on her face that made me smirk back at her.
"Shoot."
"Selene is a name for hookers." she said deadpan. I took a second to hear her words and then started laughing. Really laughing. 
"Where is this coming from?!" She shrugged and her cheeks went a little pink as she spoke.
"I don't know but I think it's because of some movie I watched...I can't even remember."
"She made an impression on your too, uh?"
"I think you could have done better. I think you could do better actually." she said honestly.
"You're right." I agree. "We both could have. Hence the divorce." She wrinkled her nose and shook her head.
"Not what I meant." I rose a brow and looked back at her.
"You don't really know her." I pointed out.
"Oh I know. I'm just saying you're hotter than she is." She smirked and I got then that she was just joking.
"Ahh. Well that's good to know." I laughed a little, and shook my head.
"She's not your type?"
"Well she's a woman so not so much." I laughed again and shot her a half grin.
"That's really too bad." I replied. Tara widened her eyes and then laughed as she shook her head.
"Dear god you're such a man."
"That I am." I agreed.
"I'm just surprised that's you're type." She shrugged.
"I don't think I really have a type." I thought about it for a moment. She was my type. But I wasn't going to tell her that.
"That's impossible."
"I'm honest."
"So short ugly and fat is okay too?" she teased me.
"I guess that beautiful is my type." I laughed and winked back at her. She nodded, faking a super serious face.
"Oh now that makes more sense."
"What's your type?"I asked after a moment.
"I don't know I never really thought about it." she shrugged nonchalantly.
"Hey, I told you, now you have to tell me too." I retorted and poked her side, making her jump. She grabbed my hand as she laughed.
"Don't even start."
"Come on, tell me." I said more softly, keeping her hand in mine, "Or I won't let you go."
"I'd say...handsome and intense." she said after a moment.
"Intense?" I blinked at her, echoing the word. "What do you mean?"
"Like...not plain." she tried to explain but I still wasn't sure what she meant. "Not skinny either." she added as an afterthought. I stared at her for a moment before saying the words I needed to.
"Am I intense?" I asked slowly. She smiled and nodded.
"I think you are." she started, "Under all that seriousness."
"You think I'm too serious?" I asked, hating that a little because it wasn't the first time is heard it but it also wasn't exactly a compliment.
"Um...yeah." She laughed.
"And serious is different than intense?" I asked, my hand squeezing her soft one.
"Intense about me I mean. I think...I don't know how to describe it." She replied, her eyes not moving from mine and for a second I thought I noticed a flicker of attraction.
"So you're saying if I was intense with you. But less serious. That k would be your type?" I asked, my mouth forming the words while my thumb ran over her fingers softly.
"Oh you're definitely my type." She nodded, laughing as she looked away and the connection was gone.
"You're definitely mine too." I replied before my brain could stop me.
"That's not fair though. You said all women were."
"I said all beautiful women. And you are extremely beautiful." Her eyes were back on mine and I had never been more aware of every inch of my body. But even more so the hand holding hers. I wanted to use it to pull her back into my body so badly I could barely stop myself.
"Thank you." She whispered, her voice sounding a little out of breath.
"Tara-" I started not really knowing where I was going when her phone rang loudly again. She jumped and pulled away from me and the second I wasn't touching her I got my self control back. For the love of god what was I doing?!? I shook my head at the sky as she glanced at her phone.
"Um. The ceremony should be ending any minute..I have to go." And get the hell away from you before I do something even stupider than holding your hand and telling you you're my type. I added in my head. Tara slid her phone into the pocket of her jeans as she nodded.
"Okay." she paused and smiled at me, "I'll see you later."
"Yeah." I agreed.
"I'll be the one with the cake." she teased, and we were back to small talk again.
"Right." I nodded, starting to walk away.
"Caleb." I turned towards her, ignoring how beautiful she was in just jeans and an apron when I had just come from a place where beautiful women were in gowns and not one of them made me feel the way she did.
"Yes?" she walked up to me, reaching up on tiptoes to kiss my cheek softly.
"Thank you." I was such a goner.