it makes my heart ache

it makes my heart ache by ssaarah

I swallowed thickly as I stared down at the positive pregnancy test in my hands. I hadn't even been worried, it was just something I did every month since my periods were always so light. It didn't make sense, I took my pill religiously, how could I be.....I shook my head, the tears had stopped hours ago but I was still in my car in the parking lot, staring at that damn test. I needed to get out of my car and go to work. I told myself to do it about ten times before it actually registered in my body and I did it.


Should I tell him? Would he deserve to know? I couldn't keep it...clearly. I wasn't ready for a child, and I didn't think I ever would be. Not only that but bringing a child into the fuc.ked up relationship I had with Travis wasn't healthy. I had no delusions of what we were, we hadn't spoken since that day in his office. And I missed him. Oh god I missed him so much I was aching from it. Why?! I had no idea. He was awful to me that day and yet all my body remembered was the good things.
"Lila." I blinked and realized I had walked to his office and was standing in the doorway. I hadn't even realized I was walking this way.
"Hi." I recognized that I had said something though it hadn't sounded anything like me. God I was nauseous.....but I guess that was easily explained.
"What are you doing here?" Travis's voice brought me to his face and I waited for the familiar buzzing in my body to start but all I really felt was sick....and dizzy. Oh god please don't let me throw up in front of him. Things were bad enough as it was.
"I....don't know." I said honestly, before looking back up at him. I expected his face to be hard, his eyes cold and emotionless for the way I had treated him last time we spoke, which I knew had been horrible even if he'd been just as bad. But his features were soft instead. "I have to tell you something." the words came out of my mouth so fast i couldn't stop them and I saw interest and apprehension cross his face though honestly it was fuzzy. Everything was kind of fuzzy....
"Are you alright?" he stood up but before I could respond or reach for him I felt everything around me going white, then a sharp pain to my head and then.....then nothing. Nothing at all. I felt like I was floating and I was wondering where I was and where Travis had gone. Had he run away when I told him I was pregnant?
"Miss Trenton!" I tried to open my eyes as an unfamiliar voice shouted my name. "Miss Trenton my name is Miles and I'm a paramedic, can you hear me?" I finally got my eyes open and I noticed I was in a stetcher. Oh my god.
"What happened?!" I looked around the room and saw Travis standing far enough away to give people room but still in my sight line. "Travis?"
"You passed out Lil...." he trailed off. "Hit your head on the door...I couldn't get to you in time." he looked pissed off and he had a right. I'd barged in and then ruined his day but.
"Is the baby okay?" I asked the paramedic and I saw Travis stand up fast at my words.
"Ma'am are you pregnant?" he asked as he checked my vitals. I just nodded and then felt another wave of dizzyness flow over me. I glanced at Travis who was staring at at me wide eyed as I looked back at the doctor guy.
"I...I don't know. I might be." I said in a barely audible whisper even though I was pretty sure instead.
"Are you late?" I swallowed as I glanced at Trav again and he looked....bad. Really bad.
"I always am, but I took a test and it was positive...the line was really thin but..." I heard myself trail off like a crazy person but I felt Travis getting closer to me and I looked up at him, knowing that he was going to be pissed or at least scared. But instead he looked down at me with strong eyes, brushing my hair out of my forhead and playing with it sweetly. Even through the fog of fear I relaxed just a little.
"I take it as your fiance wasn't aware of that." The paramedic pointed out,  though I must have heard him wrong. "I'm going to get the results of your blood test and we'll find out for sure." He added before getting out of the room.
"Who's my fiancè?" I asked, before realizing that was a ridiculous thing to say because I knew i didn't have one.
"They didn't want to let me come inside with you and I didn't know how to reach your family..." Trav explained with a shrug, his hands moving to my temple which shot a pain through me. "Does it hurt?" I moved my hand to where his hand just went and felt a bandage.
"What happened?" I asked in a confused voice.
"You hit your head." he answered quietly before bending over her to kiss my forehead, gently. "You'll be fine."
"What if I'm really pregnant?" I asked, the terror that had softened when Travis had touched me dissapeared because the thought of babies was so frightening....Travis took a deep breath and licked his lips before he spoke.
"We'll see Lila."
"I am, I know I am, I'm nausious all the time, I passed out for no reason, I can't..." I took a deep breath since getting so worked up was hurting my head. "I can't have a baby Travis." I said it with an edge so he knew exactly what I was meaning by my words.
"Settle down Lila, you're paler than usual, I don't want you to pass out again."
"I'm sorry." God my head hurt so bad....
"What are you sorry for?" I swallowed and tried to clear the pounding from my head.
"All those things I said to you. How I freaked out over a silly peice of paperwork....." I shook my head. "You were right about me, you were always right. I took us too personally, too seriously."
"....you're apologizing for the fight we had?" he asked blinking back at me. I nodded.
"I said awful things to you. I don't even know where they came from. I don't think you're miserable or pathetic" I admitted, my eyes finding his and holding them. "I think you're incredible." I swallowed and then forced a smirk. "Grumpy. But still amazing." I watched as amusement filled his face and he pushed my hair out of my eyes.
"I'm not angry at you Lila, you don't have to apologize." I shrugged.
"I did have to. I don't want you to think that's how I see you...."
"Okay okay..." he scooted a chair next to me and sat down, squeezing my hand.
"What does a girl have to do to get some pain meds in here?" i asked, going back to sarcasm as a coping mechanism. Travis winced.
"I'm guessing they can't give you any if youre.." he trailed off and I felt sick to my stomach all over again.
"Oh....right." I winced and focused on the way Travis' thumb was moving against my hand instead of the pounding in my head.
"Don't worry until we'll know, okay?" he said quietly and I bit down hard on my lips before closing my eyes.
"I'm trying Travis. It's hard." I breathed out but closing my eyes made my head hurt more. "My head hurts so bad." He swallowed, looking conflicte before he leaned in.
"I'm going to find the doctor." I said eventually before kissiing my knuckles and getting up, but I held onto his hand with every bit of strength I had.
"No please, stay here."
"I'll be right back." He said patiently, swiping my hand against my cheek. I didn't want to be alone and I was about to beg before a man walked into the room.
"Miss Trenton-" He started and Travis cut him off.
"Her head hurts real bad, can't you give her something?" He asked abruptly, my knight in a 3 peice suit.
"I'll get your meds soon." he answered as he glared at Trav but for fucks sake we were wasting time!
"But the baby..." I cut in and Travis closed his fingers tighter around my hand. The doctor turned to me showing no emotions at all,
"You're not pregnant." he announced and I couldn't help letting out the breath I'd been holding. Thank god. "You have a concussion and we need to keep you here tonight, it's just a precaution, normal routine. You'll be fine in a few week." I looked at him in horror, about to say something but a nurse called him, "Excuse me a moment."
"Nothing to worry about." Travis said, the relief I felt, clear in his tone too, but staying in the hospital. No. Not a chance. It was bad enough I was here now.
"I don't want to stay here." I said instead, "I hate hospitals, I can't spend a night here...I just can't do it."
"You heard the doctor right? It's nothing. I'll call your parents or your sister, and they'll come here and stay with you. You'll be fine Lila." he said softly, being patient even though I was being crazy instead.
"No Trav, don't say anything to my family." I kept shaking my head, knowing that they didn't like hospitals any more than I did. Plus they'd worry so much.
"What am I supposed to do? You don't want to stay here and you don't want me to call anyone...you can't just go back to your apartment Lil. What if you don't feel good and you're alone? Just no." he reasoned out loud.
"Please Travis, please, just take me away from here." I repeated once again, the shock of what happened fading away to the horror of being back in the place my dad had died. Travis ran his hands through his hair before talking.
"Okay, I'll take you to my place."
I blinked, since I'd never been to his place to this day and I would have argued if I wasn't so curious.
"Okay." A nurse came in and smiled at me, then she saw Travis and her cheeks flushed. I glared at her. Travis may not be mine but she didn't know that.
"I'm just here to deliver some meds for your pain and your nausia. You have a concussion and apparently you have a little bit of a flu bug so you're going to have to take it easy for a week or so.
"I have the flu?" I asked, blinking back at the girl. She nodded.
"These should help."
"Can I take her home if I get medicine and instructions on how to take care of her?" The nurse turned to Travis again and her whole demeanor changed.
"Well it looks like they wanted to keep her over night but if you think you'd be more comfortable I can check with the doctor." Travis threw her a charming grin and nodded.
"That would be wonderful thank you." She left with a stupid grin and I wondered if that was how I looked whenever Travis played me a compliment.
"I don't like that nurse." I growled as she left and Travis smirked.
"She wasn't so bad." I wrinkled my nose but then a warm tingly feeling came over me.
"Damn these are good drugs...." I trailed off, settling against my pillow.
"Yeah?" Travis was back at my side and grinning at me, the first real grin I'd seen all day.
"That nurse was slutty." I glared. "Blushing around my fiance." Travis laughed.
"Yes how dare she." He reached out and went back to playing with my hair.
"Are you really going to take me to your house? I was beginning to think your house was a secret." i bit my lip as the fuzzy warm feelings kept up.
"You're high." he commented, pushing back my hair ."But I'm glad you're okay."
"And not knocked up. I was about ready to sue my birth control." Travis laughed again and it was sweet and relaxinng. Two things I hadn't felt all day.
"Save your energy, you can be a smarta.ss later when you'll feel better."
"Whatever you say Mr Cole." I said softly as she closed my eyes again, feeling better from the drugs already.
"You better behave."
"Mhm." I nodded, and leaned into his touch when the nurse walked back into the room.
"The doctor said it's okay for her to leave but she needs to sign this, and here there are also the instructions for you." She explained, her gaze not once looking at me as she handed Travis two sheets of paper.
"Okay." he said simply, looking back at me glaring at the bitch. "Where can we leave?"
"As soon as she can sign this." she said back, pointing at the documents.
"I can now. Do you have a pen Trav?" I asked, sitting up even though it hurt like hell. He nodded and handed it to me as I signed them with a flourish.
"Okay I'm done." I said and nearly threw the piece of paper back to the nurse.
"Are you sure you can stand up?" Trav asked quietly, ignoring the nurse completely as he stretched out his hands towards me. I nodded and he pulled me into him, wrapping him in his strong arms and pulling me into his chest. "Careful cutie."
"You're very strong." I grinned, turning back to the nurse. "Isn't my fiance so big and strong?" I could see Travis barely restraining a laugh as she nodded slowly.
"Mhmmm." she turned back to me and shook her head as she gave me a few pill bottles. "Here's some more medicine. Hope you feel better." she sent Travis one last heat filled glance and I stuck my tongue out at her.
"You're acting jealous Lil." Travis' low voice sent a chill through me and I looked up in his arms and shook my head.
"I'm not jealous but only because i'm way hotter than her." Travis shook his head and held me close as he walked me to his car.
"Oh goody, this car always gets me laid." he shook his head and set me in the passenger side before getting into the car and turning towards me.
"Not today beautiful, you're on bed rest." I grinned wider and bit my lip.
"You're going to take me to bed?" i looked down, and blinked at the tee shirt and drawstring pants. "Where did i get these clothes?" Travis glanced at me and grinned before turning his view back to the road.
"I figured that the dress you wore to work wouldn't be all that comfortable, so i bought some things at the giftshop." I looked up.
"You're taking care of me." I pointed out. "Even though i was such a bit.ch to you." he stopped the car and parked, looking over at me and pushing my hair away from my face.
"I wasn't blameless either Lila." I widened my eyes and leaned into him.
"Travis is admitting he's wrong!!!" I whispered later. "I think it's only beause of all the medicine and I won't remember it." I heard a deep booming laugh and then Travis had pressedd his lips softly against mine.
"You're too cute for your own good Lil." he said getting out of the car and helping me into his house.
"Oh my god you have a Christmas tree!!!" I squealed in delight. "It's so pretty...."
"Don't get too excited kid, it my go to your head and you don't need that." He was teasing me and I didn't even care but when I twirled towards him my head ached and I set my hand against it.
"This isn't going to make me look ugly like Frankenstein right?" I asked seriously. He laughed again and shook his head.
"I think it's impossible, you're too beautiful." he answered honestly and pressed a kiss on my forehead before pulling away. I reached out for his hand, pulling him forward.
"Are you going to give me a tour of your house?" I asked, biting down on my lip as I looked up at him. He shook hi shead and led me upstairs.
"I'm taking you to bed."
"I wish that it sounded more promising." I sighed as we walked together....or more he kind of carried me. "I can't complain though."
"That's right." he said nonchalantly as we stepped inside the bedroom and I looked around quickly. "Are you hungry?" he asked but I just shook my head.
"I'm too tired for that, maybe later." I said quietly then pulled away, pulling my clothes off slowly.
"What do you think you're doing?" he asked quickly as I slid off my pants. I glanced back and saw a man barely restraining his control. I knew the feeling. I wanted him so bad it hurt.
"I can't rest like this, these clothes aren't comfortable enough." I explained with a shrug before staring back at  him. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair again.
"What would be?"
"Just this is good." I smiled as I got down to my bra and panties and then hopped under his covers and sighing. "Damn your bed is better than mine."
"Should be for what i paid for it." He smirked, looking down at me while he took off his suit jacket and vest, loosining the collar on his shirt and then rolling up the sleeves. It was like live porn I swear.
"So why don't we ever make love here?" I asked seriously, and I saw him turn towards me a different look on his face that I'd never seen before.
"I don't take girls home with me. I go to their place."
"Oh. Too bad, this is amazing." I moaned as I stretched in the sheets that were so soft I could fall right to sleep.
"No no, you can't fall asleep with a concussion Lil, rest but don't sleep." I pouted.
"Why not?" he shrugged.
"I'm not a doctor, I'm just doing what they told me." he glanced at his watch. "In about 20 minutes you'll have to take some more meds."
"I have to call work!"
"I already called your boss, everything's taken care of." I sighed, feeling positively pamperedd but not really knowing why.
"Why are you being so nice Travis? You don't want me anymore."
"Does it matter?" he asked quietly, looking at me as if I was some kind of phantom instead of a real girl.
"Why can't you just answer?" I asked back softly.
"I'm not heartless Lil." he replied and I sighed, thinking he was too far away from me.
"I like how this is starting, come here." I said, patting the bed next to me. Travis shot me a slow smirk.
"I need to get changed first." I let out a whistle and then rolled on my side, sinking into his pillow and letting my eyes watch him.
"Let the show start!" Travis laughed, peeling off his shirt, his body so Adonis I actually couldn't believe I'd had my hands and mouth all over it. His pants went next, and even though I'd seen it all before I was basically drooling. He reached for a pair of sweatpants and slid them on, letting them rest low on his hips. He looked like every woman's sex dream come to life. But I was the one he was coming over and sitting next to, his arms reaching out for me.
"You're freezing." he said seriously, giving me a look of concern as I snorted.
"Way to ruin the moment." I rolled my eyes but he was already fixing things, grabbing one of his shirts and helping me slide it over my boody "Now that you got me all covered you can go on."
"I don't remember where I was." he said with a straight face, letting me move into his body, instantly molding against him. He was hard where I was soft, solid where I had curves and yet it fit so well.
"You were trying to convince me you're not heartless." I whispered softly, moving my hand to his side as I traced the muscles against his ribbs. Travis wrapped an arm around me and stared at the ceiling for a while. It was the longest we'd been together without fuc.king, and even though I would give it up in an instant if he would have me? This was real nice too.
"Right." he paused, "I couldn't leave you unconscious on the floor of my office Lil, mostly because it was my fault. And at the hospital you looked terrified...I wanted to do something right for once." I blinked and then I was leaning in and kissing him.....hard. I pressed my entire body against his and wrapped my arms around his neck as I moved on top of him.
"You do right things a lot." I replied as I pulled back and he growled as his arms wrapped around me harder.
"You should be resting." I bit my lip and grinned.
"Making out is very relaxing." he shook his head and I nuzzled my head into his neck. "You smell delicious....."
"You're still high." he laughed, and I grinned down at him.
"Maybe, but you know I think you're yummy even when I'm sober!" I reached down and bit his forearm, making him roll us over and look down at me, his face more than amused.
"Don't be bad Lila." he got out of bed and I used the time to check out his ass as he walked out of the room.
"I'm bringing you meds and food. Don't fall asleep." I shrugged.
"I'll be bad instead." I winked at him and he groaned.
"You had to have a fu.cking concussion." he said to himself as he walked out of the room.
"Trav?" I called out, wondering if he could cook "What are you making me?" I didn't hear a reply so instead I sank into the bed further and took the time to look around his room. I was never one of those girls who went snooping everytime they were alone in a lover's place but I did enjoy taking it all in. Dark cherry wood accented the furniture and it felt masculine without being tacky. After a while I felt a little out of place without him so I walked downstairs to get some company.
"What are you making me?" Travis turned around and groaned at me, looking frustrated.
"Why did you get up?"
"I was bored." I shrugged and reached for a hoodie that was on a chair, slipping it on since i was suddenly freezing and then walking over to Trav to wrap my arms around him and nuzzle against his side. God he smelled good. "And I was about to fall asleep. You said no sleeping."
"I see what you're doing here." he grinned, snaking his arm around my shoulders as he used his free hand to stir the rice. It all seemed so normal, so...domestic. He was taking care of me, cooking, cuddling? It was totally out of both of our comfort zones. I felt like if I thought about it too hard I might freak out
"But what are you doing instead?" I asked one last time, always too stubborn to give up. He pulled me closer and cupped my face, angling my head so he could kiss me. My eyes fluttered closed and I surrendered to the complete pleasure that kissing him was.
"Sit down beautiful." he said against his mouth as he broke the kiss.
"Okay" I nodded, feeling drunk on more than just the drugs. "Are you still mad at me?" Travis turned to look at me and shook his head
"I'm not mad at you." I smiled, my chest feeling looser as I settled in the chair.
"What's your favorite color?" he gave me an amused glance as he took some butter out of the fridge.
"Why?" he grinned at me and I pouted.
"You keep saying you don't know me. I want to know you Trav." he looked concerned for a moment before he turned away.
"Red." he said simply.
"It fits you. Red." I smiled. "Though I like you best in blue." he smirked.
"You like me best in blue?" he asked, taking something else out of the fridge and adding it to a bowl.
"Makes your eyes amazing." I sighed dreamily and he laughed, the sound making my whole body tingle. Damn concussion...
"Is that all you wanted to know?" he smirked as he handed me a bowl and sat down next to me. "My favorite color?"
"Mmmm your eyes don't really need help though do they?" I asked tilting my head to the side and biting my lip. Travis shook his head
"When you're feeling better I'm going to make that pretty little ass my favorite color for all the teasing you're doing." he growled and I grinned, the idea making me feel giddy and hot all over.
"Oh good." I grinned. "Being a bad girl has it's perks." I dug into the food, realizing how hungry I was at the first bite while Travis shook his head.
"Damn tease." I leaned in and gave him a sweet kiss before wincing.
"My head hurts again." I admitted sitting back and holding it in my hands. It felt like my brain was going to slowly pound out of my head. 
"Maybe your brain is too big for your small head." Travis said with a shrug, but I just glared at him. "Fine kid, lets get you back to bed." he announced and reached for a bottle of water, handling it to me before filling a glass of wine and making me confused.
"What are you doing?" I asked, blinking back at him.
"I'm not trying to get you drunk don't worry, only water for kids." Travis smirked as I made a face at him, "Are you done eating?" I bit down on my lip as I nodded before wrinkling my nose.
"I don't like when you call me kid."
"My house, my rules kid." he grinned, grabbing the food and his glass, "Lets go upstairs." I rolled my eyes and stood up, grabbing my water and holding it against my chest since it was cool and it felt good.
"What are we going to do?" I asked again, feeling a little dizzy.
"You need to rest Lil and I still need to eat." she sighed as he helped me up the stairs into his bedroom and I slid back into his comfy bed, glad to have him back in the same room. "Comfortable?"
"Yes but there's room for you too."  I grinned and patted the spot on the bed next to me. He shook his head and sat down, leaning against the bed as he ate the rest of my food.  "I can't believe you're eating my leftovers." It seemed like such a boyfriendy thing to do.
"I see nothing bad in that." he shrugged nonchalantly, swallowing a bite of rice before taking a sip of wine.
"When can I sleep?" he checked his watch before speaking.
"About 5 hours." I sighed, I felt physically and mentally exhausted. I'd gone through every emotion in the book today and all I wanted was to sleep forever.
"How will you entertain me?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows and grinning wickedly over at him.
"Not like that." he growled and I felt my body hum in an arousal that was never far from the surface when I was near him.
"Too bad." I sighed, thinking about how I'd repay him for being so wonderful today. I felt special, and even though I knew it wasn't going to last? I was going to soak it all up while it did.
"Hey Trav?" he glanced my way and shot me an exhasperated look.
"Yes?"
"Thank you." I leaned over and pressed a kiss against his lips. They tasted like wine and him and it was delicious.
"I didn't-" he started but I kissed him again.
"Just shut up and take the thanks gorgeous."