I rolled over onto my side and opened my eyes slowly, almost squealing when my eyes meet Caleb's. My stomach flipped and I couldn't help but smile, no matter how hard I bit down on my bottom lip. What was I doing in his guest house, in bed with him, not able to say no when it was time to go to sleep? What were we doing? I didn't even want to start guessing.
"Morning." He said in that low groggy voice that made my toes curl for how both sexy and cute it was, his hand lifting to push my hair behind my ear gently and moving the sheet covering him in the process, the view of his naked and perfectly sculpted torso reminding me that we didn't just slept. When I thought about, the only sentence my brain could come with was oh my god. My mind went completely blank.
"Morning." He said in that low groggy voice that made my toes curl for how both sexy and cute it was, his hand lifting to push my hair behind my ear gently and moving the sheet covering him in the process, the view of his naked and perfectly sculpted torso reminding me that we didn't just slept. When I thought about, the only sentence my brain could come with was oh my god. My mind went completely blank.
"Hey." I said back as I wrapped my fingers around his wrist then I slid them down to intertwine them with his.
He gave me back a smile that was enough for my heart to stop beating for a moment. "How'd you sleep?" He asked, always worrying for me.
"Pretty good." I adjusted my head on the pillow, loving the small talk so early in the morning just how I liked that he woke up really early, just like me. "What about you?"
"Awesome." He said shortly before grinning wide and using his free hand to cup my face and pull me in for a kiss.
I kissed him back and smiled against his soft lips, wondering if this how paradise felt. "What are you going to do today?" I asked next, praying we'd do just like the day before and the day before that, that we'd stay a little longer just cuddling before he'd go for his morning run and I'd change for the day.
"I'm guessing you're going to have to work." Caleb gave a long fake sigh and I giggled.
"Don't you?"
"I should. Currently though my priorities are a little skewed...." He let his hand slide down the smooth skin of my hip, grabbing my upper thigh to wrap around him.
"Oh?" I tilted my head to the side as he pressed kiss after kiss against my neck. Damn this man knew how to touch, kiss, talk...everything.
"I'm much rather inclined to play hooky and see if there's a spot on your body I haven't kissed yet." He admitted, his hand reaching my ass to tug me closer.
"Careful....you shouldn't start something you can't finish." I whispered, tempted to pout a little too.
He pulled back with a grin that made me bite my lip. "Are you suggesting I can't finish?" He asked.
I bit my lip harder and shook my head. "No. Just that we probably don't have that much time." I pointed out, feeling as if I was living into another world, in a fantasy.
He hovered over me, scooping me in his arms beneath him and kissing my mouth. "That sounds like a challenge." He whispered before kissing me again and again, my hands roaming over his body because I couldn't get enough. Also I didn't know when this would stop. Just then both of the alarms on our phones started going off.
"That means I have sixty minutes before I have to open the bakery." I said against his lips.
"At least you don't have to meet with old men all day." He sighed.
"There are old men who come for coffee." I offered.
He shook his head. "Not the same." He sighed. "I have to listen to them drone on about all the other wineries in California and how they might make more money than us."
"Isn't that important?" I asked, genuinely interested.
"It is." He agreed. "Doesnt make it any less boring. If you think otherwise then we can switch. You go to my meetings and I'll open the bakery."
I laughed. "I bet you'd pull off the apron well."
"I bet you'd look good in a suit." He admitted.
"Maybe one day we should switch." I grinned as I ran my hands up his neck to tangle into his long hair.
"Mhm." He muttered in a raspy groan that almost made me moan for how hot it sounded. As if it came from deep inside of him. "You'd distract everyone and the meetings would be a success."
I tried not to pass out as he brushed his nose up my neck, causing a shiver to go through my body. "But what would happen to my poor bakery?" I asked and when he pulled his head back to look at me we both broke into a laugh.
"It's better if we stick to our own jobs." He grinned before pressing a quick kiss on my lips, which was something I still wasn't used to. "But one day you're going to wear a suit just because."
"Only if you wear an apron." I said back as I wrapped my legs around him, feeling every inch of him against me.
He kept grinning as he switched our positions, "Deal."
I dropped my hands on his chest, feeling comfortable around him while naked just like I had always had when we were always dressed. "You're coming tomorrow night at the tango class right?" I asked quietly. He made a face. "You don't have to. I was just asking." I added hurriedly.
"I promised you I would and I will...but let's be honest, the first one was a disaster." He said seriously.
I laughed again, "Because it was the first one! And you weren't that bad...give yourself some credit." I told him and I meant it. The fact alone that he had agreed to come with me was enough, but I was surprised that he actually had a great sense of rhythm, a good coordination, and god if he looked sexy while dancing. He held me tight as if his life depended on it and I let him lead me. It felt just amazing.
He sighed as he made a silly face, an expression I didn't even know he was able to make since he was usually so serious. "We'll see if there's room for improvement."
"There is, trust me." I nodded and glued my chest against his, closing my eyes and enjoying the last moments we had left before starting working. "You'll get a super reward for breakfast when you'll come later to my bakery."
"I can't today, I have a meeting." He said quietly as he ran his large hand up and down my back.
I brushed my fingers down against his side, "If you're good maybe you'll get it delivered."
"Do you do deliveries now?" Caleb asked, his thumb brushing against the side of my breast.
"Only special deliveries." I replied, my voice a little breathy and I was surprised I could talk alone. He was...I couldn't even phrase it. "God Caleb stop teasing me...." I moaned.
"Do you mean stop touching you, or keep touching you?"
I opened my mouth to say something and then groaned. I had to open my bakery, no matter how good the thought of staying in bed with Caleb all day was. "I don't have time..." I pouted.
He laughed at the look on my face before sitting up and wrapping his arms around me, kissing my nose. "I know. But I like seeing you pout when you can't have me." He smirked and I rolled my eyes.
"Cocky." I commented, he wiggled his brows at me as he stood up with me in his arms. "Where are we going?"
"I'm putting you in the shower and then ripping myself away from showering with you to go for a very long run."
I laughed. "Okay."
He set me in the bathroom and turned on the water, testing it to make sure it was hot before turning on the towel warmer and the heated floors. I watched him as I bit down on my lip, almost dying because no one had ever been so caring with me, and then he held my face in his hand and kissed me.
"I'll see you later."
I nodded and couldn't help holding his wrist to make him linger a moment longer as I kissed him back. "I can't wait." I grinned against his mouth and watched as he pulled away, shaking his head and grinning himself. God, I really couldn't wait, I didn't even know what was happening to me but everytime I was around him everything seemed easier, better. And it wasn't just for the mind blowing sex. "Caleb?" I stopped, shielding my body with the glass of the shower and peeking my head out.
"Yes?" He stopped in his tracks, turning to look at me.
I bid down hard on my lip, feeling my cheeks getting warmer. "I like you." And even if it sounded silly it was also true.
------
I debated between cookies and muffins as I finished making Caleb's coffee. What would I make for myself? I wondered in my mind, a second later I sprinkled some cocoa powder on his coffee and stuffed a small paper bag with coffee cookies. Those were my faves.
"I'll be right back!" I said to Dennis, the new guy I had hired because I really couldn't do everything alone and he was awesome. He was a great baker, an excellent waiter and extremely good looking. And gay, which made of him my perfect employee because I didn't get alone with girls much but guys sometimes were too...they were just guys.
He shot me a wink and nodded before I walked out and headed straight to Caleb's office, beyond excited because I loved this little routine we had built, our half morning break was a moment I looked forward to. "Special delivery!" I said loud enough for him to hear me and trying not to grin too wide as I opened the door since I didn't know if he was still in one of his meetings. But when I looked inside, not only Caleb wasn't there, but there was his ex wife. The one with a pornstar name. And she looked like one with her sky high heels on his desk and her blouse opened, showing her lacy and surely expensive bra which didn't leave much to my imagination. I did the math quickly. And felt like dying of embarrassment along with disappointment too. It was obvious why she was there, just like it was obvious that if Caleb liked that kind of woman I really didn't stand a chance. I wore sport bras for christ's sake. Not just that, I didn't want to keep doing whenever we were doing if she was still in his life...I didn't want to be a pity fuck, I didn't want to be 'the other' either.
"He's not here." She said gingerly, looking amused and not even recognizing me, maybe it was for the best.
"Yeah, I'm sorry." I said quickly and spun on my heels, closing the door behind me and running straight into Caleb, the coffee staining his immaculate white shirt and it was a miracle I didn't fall on my ass too. "Sorry." I said again but didn't even look into his eyes, I just wanted to disappear, so I darted out of his damn winery at the speed of sound before he could process what was happening, stop me or ask me anything.
"Hey!" Caleb's voice reached me when I was already at the end of the road and he caught up with me quickly. Of course. I had zero chances with him.
"Um. Sorry. I'll pay for the dry cleaning..." I trailed off awkwardly, looking down at his ruined shirt.
He shook his head and cupped my face, making me flinch until he backed away. "Why did you just run out like that?" He asked as if that wasn't obvious.
"Um...your wife was there."
"Ex-wife. And so what?"
I looked at him like he was crazy. "You were clearly busy with her."
"Tara I spent most of last night making love to you. Do you seriously think I'd fuck another woman in the same twenty-four hours?"
I blinked. Well maybe not that but there was something going on there, it was crystal clear. "Um." I muttered unintelligently, trying to collect my thoughts.
He widened his eyes, not giving me any time to talk. "Wow. You think pretty highly of me obviously."
"She was basically mounting your desk!!!" I replied defensively, because now I just felt attacked, as if this was my fault when it was his instead.
"So? That doesn't mean I was going to do anything!" He replied seriously. S
"You said you had meetings all day!!!" I protested, still connecting the dots.
"I do! I just got done with one and I meet with Selene for lunch once a month you know this already."
"Still you could have told me you were seeing your ex-wife when we were in bed this morning." I said back.
"Why?" He asked. "What would that have solved?"
"Because-" I started but cut myself off when I realized I had no right to ask him anything. I didn't even have the courage to say it out loud, that we weren't together so he didn't have to tell me anything. That didn't stop me to feel bothered though. "Nothing." I shook my head.
He groaned, "Tara please don't say nothing when we both know it's clearly something. I think I deserve a little more than that don't you think? We're friends." He told me and I knew he genuinely believed in what he was saying, I did too. Only that wasn't the problem.
"You're right, it wouldn't have solved anything but at least I wouldn't have walked straight into her." I explained as I switched to my super rational self. I was either irrational or very rational, there was nothing in between.
He nodded, "Okay, that's true but I didn't know she'd show up like that or that you'd come for lunch." He said, sounding as if he was apologizing when he really didn't need to.
"It's okay Caleb." I said more calmly or at least trying to be calm.
"If it's okay no more running." He seemed to relax, letting out a deep breath.
"What are we doing?" I asked, looking straight into his eyes and hoping he could say something that made a sense because in my head nothing did right now.
He gave me a small smirk. "We're arguing in the middle of the road."
I shook my head because I wasn't in the mood for joking. This was serious. "No...I mean, us. What are we doing? Your ex wife is half naked in your office and you're my ex's cousin. We can't go on like this." I told him even though it costed me so much. I liked him, I liked being with him...but he still met with his ex once a month for christ's sake. I could never accept that. And what about John? Or the fact that he didn't want a relationship? It could only end bad and I didn't want to lose a friend just because we couldn't be more.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean us Caleb! I'm basically living with you!"
"I wasn't going to let you life in that shithole-" He started.
"Yes I know. You're always very nice. But lending a friend your guest house and spending the night in bed with her are very different things." I pointed out.
"You don't want me to?" Caleb asked slowly, looking at me warily.
"No. I mean yes." I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. "It's too damn complicated Caleb."
He reached out for me and tilted my head up. "But I like you." He said seriously.
I pulled back and shook my head. "Caleb you have a half naked ex-wife to get back to."
He glared at me. "I thought we went over that."
"What the hell are you doing seeing her once a month anyways!?" I asked, wishing I could understand.
He groaned. "She wanted to stay-"
"Don't you dare say friends Caleb. Friends don't put on fancy underwear like that and flaunt it."
"What does that matter?! What does she have to do with us anyways?"
I taken aback at his tone which was almost bitter, and so out of character. "I just....." I sighed.
"You just what Tara? Say it if it's what you want." He said back harshly.
"What do you want me to say exactly?!" I said back as I started to close off to defend myself. I didn't like the tone of his voice, it was nothing like the usual Caleb I knew.
He let out a small groan, "That you want to end this." He muttered.
I stared at him and felt even more upset. Fear of losing him for good was gripping me while I slowly realized how stupid I had been. "How can you not see what's the problem?" I asked back instead.
"Because I just don't!" He snapped, losing the patience I thought was infinite.
"We want different things Caleb." I started slowly, looking away this time. "I want a relationship, someone to share a life with. I want to get married, have babies...I want a family. You don't."
He blinked at me as he processed my words. "That doesn't mean we have to end what we have now." He pointed out stubbornly.
I shook my head just as stubbornly because I refused to believe he couldn't see what my point was. "Even if that wasn't part of the problem, you're still John's cousin and I can't even imagine how it'd be if he knew about us." I explained.
"It was him being an ass and not giving you all the things you deserved." He said harshly and with a hint of proud that only made me feel worse.
"That's still not an excuse to sleep with his cousin." I said weakly, momentarily at loss of words. I kept trying to find a way for us to work as couple but truth was there was no way, mostly because he didn't want to be part of any couple. He stared at me but kept quiet, probably because he knew I was right at least about that. "And your wife..." I trailed off, shaking my head again.
"Ex. Wife." He retorted, his tone bitter again and he even glared at me.
"I could never allow my boyfriend to see his ex wife monthly. I don't believe that we're just friends bullshit, to me it's just an excuse to keep open a door that should stay closed." I said back, crossing my arms against my chest and still bothered as I thought about that Selene and her stupid underwear.
"So I won't see her anymore!"
"It's not just that Caleb aren't you listening? We're just a disaster waiting to happen! Everything is going against us. I seriously can not see an end that is better than this." I said, trying to convince myself too.
"So you're ending us now because you're afraid it'll be worse later?"
"How do you see it ending? Are you going to be the one to tell John about us? Are you going to break my heart when I fall for you and you still don't want more?"
"I get it." He said softly, backing away.
"I still want to be-"
He laughed even though it wasn't funny at all. "Don't say friends Tara." He shook his head. "I will always care about you. But I almost killed myself trying to be your friend the first time. I can't do it again."
"I'm sorry." I replied, and I meant it even if it didn't change anything.
"You can still stay here." He sighed. "I won't keep coming over."
I nodded. "Only for a few more days. My realtor found a really good place."
He rose a brow. "A really good place like the last one?"
"No." I assured him. "Good area, 2 bed 2 bath, big kitchen." I replied.
He sighed and nodded but kept quiet.
"It's really close to the bakery." I added.
He kept nodding, "Good." He said simply and feeling him so far was just so awful.
I had counted so much on him these last few months now I felt a little lost and that was something that was out of character for me. "I hate this." I sighed, being open and honest or at least trying, hoping there was still something, anything, we could solve.
He raised one eyebrow at me. "You're wanting this Tara."
I swallowed, wondering if that was totally true. Was it me being too blind and pessimistic or was I right? I had never wanted to be wrong like I did now. "What do you want Cal?" I asked him softly, guessing that maybe he had the answers and it was me not making the right questions.
But he blinked at me and looked confused. "I...I don't know." He ran a hand through his hair.
"See? You don't even know what you want!" I sighed, genuinely sad now because things were just getting worse.
"It's you that I want!" He said back loudly, looking exasperated while I wondered once again how I had been able to ignore all the signs. "Isn't that enough?"
I licked my lips as my heart pounded fast and hard. And that was for his words only. "Would..." I trailed off, feeling like an idiot, "Would you be with me? For real?" I asked him almost timidly.
"Yes. God yes Tara, don't you see what you do to me? I don't want it to end." He said hurriedly and I saw hope sparkle into his gorgeous eyes as he took a step closer to me.
I kept my eyes on him and forced myself not to jump him, because no matter how I wanted this to be true and act like the hopeless romantic I was sometimes, I still needed to be rational. "I don't want that either." I commented quietly while I collected my thoughts.
"Then don't push me away." He said softly.
"If we were together I'd want a lot...I don't want a relationship with an expiration date. I want someone to build a life and a family with. Do you want that?" I asked and took a deep breath as I got myself ready for the hard part, "Would you drop all your stupid theories about not being enough for being with someone? Would you rethink the idea of getting married again if we realized we're meant to be? Would you give me all you said you could never give to any woman because of your job?"
"Tara I-"
"I'm serious Caleb."
"I know you are!" He yelled back. "But this isn't how relationships work and I know....I know I'm the last person to talk about how they should but that is a lot of pressure."
"And I'm not worth it?" I asked, the emotion heavy in my heart.
"No. You are worth it." He agreed. "But I can't promise you any of those things. I know myself."
"Then wouldn't you rather we ended now? Before we started falling short on the promises?" I asked even though it was stupid. All of this situation was. Maybe this was for the best, if I was already hurting now that I wasn't even in love with him...
"You mean before I start falling short." He said quietly.
"I'm not perfect either." I said weakly.
"But you're expecting me to be. I just. I'll fuck up even more if I'm trying to live up to what you're thinking I should be."
"I just want you to be you Caleb."
"I am."
"I really wish we could rewind this day and never get out of bed." I whispered softly.
"Me too."
"What makes me sad is that you don't really see how amazing you are. And I can't trust you in you can't trust yourself." I added quietly, knowing I should've walked away but I was a masochist who didn't want this moment to end even if it was a painful one, because after saying bye there wouldn't be any more breakfasts, lunches, dinners, fun, happiness, laughs...not with him.
He shook his head because he was so set on the idea he had of himself it was just ridiculous. "You think I'm perfect and I'm not, how many times do I have to tell you?!" He said back angrily.
"It's not my fault if you were nothing but amazing with me." I narrowed my eyes on him, "You're like...blind. Didn't you come with me to those stupid tango lessons? Didn't you come with me to look for an apartment too? Weren't you always here for me?"
"You were heartbroken." He said seriously.
I was taken aback. Was that why? "So you were nice to me because I was miserable? Did you pity me?" I asked him because maybe he was right. I thought too much of him.
He let out a low growl as he rolled his eyes, the sound reminding me so much of the ones he made when he was on top of me. "No Tara, I already told you I wanted you from day one."
"You wanted me because of how I looked back then, but now you know me...was my body only you wanted?" I asked him, wanting to slap him to make him understand that if he could only give himself a chance we'd have one too. "I don't think so. If sex was all you wanted you wouldn't have bothered to do all you did for me."
"I know." Caleb agreed.
"So..." I trailed off, not sure of what to say.
"So what? Are you going to put that kind of pressure on every man you date?" He asked.
I blinked at him, taken aback. "What?"
"You just told me that to be in a relationship with you I have to be prepared to know I want to settle down and have kids."
"That's not what I meant I mean-" I tried to explain but he cut me off. I wasn't asking for that kind of committment right now, only the possibility that it could happen some day.
"No?"
"I'm just saying I know what you want and it's not the same as what I want!" My eyes had gone wide because I felt like I was holding tight to something slippery and no matter how tight it was going to slip away anyway.
"I would change for you Tara! I HAVE changed for you! But I can't go into a relationship with the expectations that you set. We're new. I like you, I might even be falling for you." He admitted, surprising me. "But I don't know how or if we'll work. And I can't promise that we will when we haven't even began."
"Caleb." I said, wanting to say more but feeling...empty.
"It's fine. I get it." He held up his hands and started walking away, his hands fisting at his sides as I watched him.
"I'm sorry." I managed to blur out even though I wasn't sure what I was sorry for.
He turned behind him and saw me still standing right where I had been. "Me too."
He gave me back a smile that was enough for my heart to stop beating for a moment. "How'd you sleep?" He asked, always worrying for me.
"Pretty good." I adjusted my head on the pillow, loving the small talk so early in the morning just how I liked that he woke up really early, just like me. "What about you?"
"Awesome." He said shortly before grinning wide and using his free hand to cup my face and pull me in for a kiss.
I kissed him back and smiled against his soft lips, wondering if this how paradise felt. "What are you going to do today?" I asked next, praying we'd do just like the day before and the day before that, that we'd stay a little longer just cuddling before he'd go for his morning run and I'd change for the day.
"I'm guessing you're going to have to work." Caleb gave a long fake sigh and I giggled.
"Don't you?"
"I should. Currently though my priorities are a little skewed...." He let his hand slide down the smooth skin of my hip, grabbing my upper thigh to wrap around him.
"Oh?" I tilted my head to the side as he pressed kiss after kiss against my neck. Damn this man knew how to touch, kiss, talk...everything.
"I'm much rather inclined to play hooky and see if there's a spot on your body I haven't kissed yet." He admitted, his hand reaching my ass to tug me closer.
"Careful....you shouldn't start something you can't finish." I whispered, tempted to pout a little too.
He pulled back with a grin that made me bite my lip. "Are you suggesting I can't finish?" He asked.
I bit my lip harder and shook my head. "No. Just that we probably don't have that much time." I pointed out, feeling as if I was living into another world, in a fantasy.
He hovered over me, scooping me in his arms beneath him and kissing my mouth. "That sounds like a challenge." He whispered before kissing me again and again, my hands roaming over his body because I couldn't get enough. Also I didn't know when this would stop. Just then both of the alarms on our phones started going off.
"That means I have sixty minutes before I have to open the bakery." I said against his lips.
"At least you don't have to meet with old men all day." He sighed.
"There are old men who come for coffee." I offered.
He shook his head. "Not the same." He sighed. "I have to listen to them drone on about all the other wineries in California and how they might make more money than us."
"Isn't that important?" I asked, genuinely interested.
"It is." He agreed. "Doesnt make it any less boring. If you think otherwise then we can switch. You go to my meetings and I'll open the bakery."
I laughed. "I bet you'd pull off the apron well."
"I bet you'd look good in a suit." He admitted.
"Maybe one day we should switch." I grinned as I ran my hands up his neck to tangle into his long hair.
"Mhm." He muttered in a raspy groan that almost made me moan for how hot it sounded. As if it came from deep inside of him. "You'd distract everyone and the meetings would be a success."
I tried not to pass out as he brushed his nose up my neck, causing a shiver to go through my body. "But what would happen to my poor bakery?" I asked and when he pulled his head back to look at me we both broke into a laugh.
"It's better if we stick to our own jobs." He grinned before pressing a quick kiss on my lips, which was something I still wasn't used to. "But one day you're going to wear a suit just because."
"Only if you wear an apron." I said back as I wrapped my legs around him, feeling every inch of him against me.
He kept grinning as he switched our positions, "Deal."
I dropped my hands on his chest, feeling comfortable around him while naked just like I had always had when we were always dressed. "You're coming tomorrow night at the tango class right?" I asked quietly. He made a face. "You don't have to. I was just asking." I added hurriedly.
"I promised you I would and I will...but let's be honest, the first one was a disaster." He said seriously.
I laughed again, "Because it was the first one! And you weren't that bad...give yourself some credit." I told him and I meant it. The fact alone that he had agreed to come with me was enough, but I was surprised that he actually had a great sense of rhythm, a good coordination, and god if he looked sexy while dancing. He held me tight as if his life depended on it and I let him lead me. It felt just amazing.
He sighed as he made a silly face, an expression I didn't even know he was able to make since he was usually so serious. "We'll see if there's room for improvement."
"There is, trust me." I nodded and glued my chest against his, closing my eyes and enjoying the last moments we had left before starting working. "You'll get a super reward for breakfast when you'll come later to my bakery."
"I can't today, I have a meeting." He said quietly as he ran his large hand up and down my back.
I brushed my fingers down against his side, "If you're good maybe you'll get it delivered."
"Do you do deliveries now?" Caleb asked, his thumb brushing against the side of my breast.
"Only special deliveries." I replied, my voice a little breathy and I was surprised I could talk alone. He was...I couldn't even phrase it. "God Caleb stop teasing me...." I moaned.
"Do you mean stop touching you, or keep touching you?"
I opened my mouth to say something and then groaned. I had to open my bakery, no matter how good the thought of staying in bed with Caleb all day was. "I don't have time..." I pouted.
He laughed at the look on my face before sitting up and wrapping his arms around me, kissing my nose. "I know. But I like seeing you pout when you can't have me." He smirked and I rolled my eyes.
"Cocky." I commented, he wiggled his brows at me as he stood up with me in his arms. "Where are we going?"
"I'm putting you in the shower and then ripping myself away from showering with you to go for a very long run."
I laughed. "Okay."
He set me in the bathroom and turned on the water, testing it to make sure it was hot before turning on the towel warmer and the heated floors. I watched him as I bit down on my lip, almost dying because no one had ever been so caring with me, and then he held my face in his hand and kissed me.
"I'll see you later."
I nodded and couldn't help holding his wrist to make him linger a moment longer as I kissed him back. "I can't wait." I grinned against his mouth and watched as he pulled away, shaking his head and grinning himself. God, I really couldn't wait, I didn't even know what was happening to me but everytime I was around him everything seemed easier, better. And it wasn't just for the mind blowing sex. "Caleb?" I stopped, shielding my body with the glass of the shower and peeking my head out.
"Yes?" He stopped in his tracks, turning to look at me.
I bid down hard on my lip, feeling my cheeks getting warmer. "I like you." And even if it sounded silly it was also true.
------
I debated between cookies and muffins as I finished making Caleb's coffee. What would I make for myself? I wondered in my mind, a second later I sprinkled some cocoa powder on his coffee and stuffed a small paper bag with coffee cookies. Those were my faves.
"I'll be right back!" I said to Dennis, the new guy I had hired because I really couldn't do everything alone and he was awesome. He was a great baker, an excellent waiter and extremely good looking. And gay, which made of him my perfect employee because I didn't get alone with girls much but guys sometimes were too...they were just guys.
He shot me a wink and nodded before I walked out and headed straight to Caleb's office, beyond excited because I loved this little routine we had built, our half morning break was a moment I looked forward to. "Special delivery!" I said loud enough for him to hear me and trying not to grin too wide as I opened the door since I didn't know if he was still in one of his meetings. But when I looked inside, not only Caleb wasn't there, but there was his ex wife. The one with a pornstar name. And she looked like one with her sky high heels on his desk and her blouse opened, showing her lacy and surely expensive bra which didn't leave much to my imagination. I did the math quickly. And felt like dying of embarrassment along with disappointment too. It was obvious why she was there, just like it was obvious that if Caleb liked that kind of woman I really didn't stand a chance. I wore sport bras for christ's sake. Not just that, I didn't want to keep doing whenever we were doing if she was still in his life...I didn't want to be a pity fuck, I didn't want to be 'the other' either.
"He's not here." She said gingerly, looking amused and not even recognizing me, maybe it was for the best.
"Yeah, I'm sorry." I said quickly and spun on my heels, closing the door behind me and running straight into Caleb, the coffee staining his immaculate white shirt and it was a miracle I didn't fall on my ass too. "Sorry." I said again but didn't even look into his eyes, I just wanted to disappear, so I darted out of his damn winery at the speed of sound before he could process what was happening, stop me or ask me anything.
"Hey!" Caleb's voice reached me when I was already at the end of the road and he caught up with me quickly. Of course. I had zero chances with him.
"Um. Sorry. I'll pay for the dry cleaning..." I trailed off awkwardly, looking down at his ruined shirt.
He shook his head and cupped my face, making me flinch until he backed away. "Why did you just run out like that?" He asked as if that wasn't obvious.
"Um...your wife was there."
"Ex-wife. And so what?"
I looked at him like he was crazy. "You were clearly busy with her."
"Tara I spent most of last night making love to you. Do you seriously think I'd fuck another woman in the same twenty-four hours?"
I blinked. Well maybe not that but there was something going on there, it was crystal clear. "Um." I muttered unintelligently, trying to collect my thoughts.
He widened his eyes, not giving me any time to talk. "Wow. You think pretty highly of me obviously."
"She was basically mounting your desk!!!" I replied defensively, because now I just felt attacked, as if this was my fault when it was his instead.
"So? That doesn't mean I was going to do anything!" He replied seriously. S
"You said you had meetings all day!!!" I protested, still connecting the dots.
"I do! I just got done with one and I meet with Selene for lunch once a month you know this already."
"Still you could have told me you were seeing your ex-wife when we were in bed this morning." I said back.
"Why?" He asked. "What would that have solved?"
"Because-" I started but cut myself off when I realized I had no right to ask him anything. I didn't even have the courage to say it out loud, that we weren't together so he didn't have to tell me anything. That didn't stop me to feel bothered though. "Nothing." I shook my head.
He groaned, "Tara please don't say nothing when we both know it's clearly something. I think I deserve a little more than that don't you think? We're friends." He told me and I knew he genuinely believed in what he was saying, I did too. Only that wasn't the problem.
"You're right, it wouldn't have solved anything but at least I wouldn't have walked straight into her." I explained as I switched to my super rational self. I was either irrational or very rational, there was nothing in between.
He nodded, "Okay, that's true but I didn't know she'd show up like that or that you'd come for lunch." He said, sounding as if he was apologizing when he really didn't need to.
"It's okay Caleb." I said more calmly or at least trying to be calm.
"If it's okay no more running." He seemed to relax, letting out a deep breath.
"What are we doing?" I asked, looking straight into his eyes and hoping he could say something that made a sense because in my head nothing did right now.
He gave me a small smirk. "We're arguing in the middle of the road."
I shook my head because I wasn't in the mood for joking. This was serious. "No...I mean, us. What are we doing? Your ex wife is half naked in your office and you're my ex's cousin. We can't go on like this." I told him even though it costed me so much. I liked him, I liked being with him...but he still met with his ex once a month for christ's sake. I could never accept that. And what about John? Or the fact that he didn't want a relationship? It could only end bad and I didn't want to lose a friend just because we couldn't be more.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean us Caleb! I'm basically living with you!"
"I wasn't going to let you life in that shithole-" He started.
"Yes I know. You're always very nice. But lending a friend your guest house and spending the night in bed with her are very different things." I pointed out.
"You don't want me to?" Caleb asked slowly, looking at me warily.
"No. I mean yes." I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. "It's too damn complicated Caleb."
He reached out for me and tilted my head up. "But I like you." He said seriously.
I pulled back and shook my head. "Caleb you have a half naked ex-wife to get back to."
He glared at me. "I thought we went over that."
"What the hell are you doing seeing her once a month anyways!?" I asked, wishing I could understand.
He groaned. "She wanted to stay-"
"Don't you dare say friends Caleb. Friends don't put on fancy underwear like that and flaunt it."
"What does that matter?! What does she have to do with us anyways?"
I taken aback at his tone which was almost bitter, and so out of character. "I just....." I sighed.
"You just what Tara? Say it if it's what you want." He said back harshly.
"What do you want me to say exactly?!" I said back as I started to close off to defend myself. I didn't like the tone of his voice, it was nothing like the usual Caleb I knew.
He let out a small groan, "That you want to end this." He muttered.
I stared at him and felt even more upset. Fear of losing him for good was gripping me while I slowly realized how stupid I had been. "How can you not see what's the problem?" I asked back instead.
"Because I just don't!" He snapped, losing the patience I thought was infinite.
"We want different things Caleb." I started slowly, looking away this time. "I want a relationship, someone to share a life with. I want to get married, have babies...I want a family. You don't."
He blinked at me as he processed my words. "That doesn't mean we have to end what we have now." He pointed out stubbornly.
I shook my head just as stubbornly because I refused to believe he couldn't see what my point was. "Even if that wasn't part of the problem, you're still John's cousin and I can't even imagine how it'd be if he knew about us." I explained.
"It was him being an ass and not giving you all the things you deserved." He said harshly and with a hint of proud that only made me feel worse.
"That's still not an excuse to sleep with his cousin." I said weakly, momentarily at loss of words. I kept trying to find a way for us to work as couple but truth was there was no way, mostly because he didn't want to be part of any couple. He stared at me but kept quiet, probably because he knew I was right at least about that. "And your wife..." I trailed off, shaking my head again.
"Ex. Wife." He retorted, his tone bitter again and he even glared at me.
"I could never allow my boyfriend to see his ex wife monthly. I don't believe that we're just friends bullshit, to me it's just an excuse to keep open a door that should stay closed." I said back, crossing my arms against my chest and still bothered as I thought about that Selene and her stupid underwear.
"So I won't see her anymore!"
"It's not just that Caleb aren't you listening? We're just a disaster waiting to happen! Everything is going against us. I seriously can not see an end that is better than this." I said, trying to convince myself too.
"So you're ending us now because you're afraid it'll be worse later?"
"How do you see it ending? Are you going to be the one to tell John about us? Are you going to break my heart when I fall for you and you still don't want more?"
"I get it." He said softly, backing away.
"I still want to be-"
He laughed even though it wasn't funny at all. "Don't say friends Tara." He shook his head. "I will always care about you. But I almost killed myself trying to be your friend the first time. I can't do it again."
"I'm sorry." I replied, and I meant it even if it didn't change anything.
"You can still stay here." He sighed. "I won't keep coming over."
I nodded. "Only for a few more days. My realtor found a really good place."
He rose a brow. "A really good place like the last one?"
"No." I assured him. "Good area, 2 bed 2 bath, big kitchen." I replied.
He sighed and nodded but kept quiet.
"It's really close to the bakery." I added.
He kept nodding, "Good." He said simply and feeling him so far was just so awful.
I had counted so much on him these last few months now I felt a little lost and that was something that was out of character for me. "I hate this." I sighed, being open and honest or at least trying, hoping there was still something, anything, we could solve.
He raised one eyebrow at me. "You're wanting this Tara."
I swallowed, wondering if that was totally true. Was it me being too blind and pessimistic or was I right? I had never wanted to be wrong like I did now. "What do you want Cal?" I asked him softly, guessing that maybe he had the answers and it was me not making the right questions.
But he blinked at me and looked confused. "I...I don't know." He ran a hand through his hair.
"See? You don't even know what you want!" I sighed, genuinely sad now because things were just getting worse.
"It's you that I want!" He said back loudly, looking exasperated while I wondered once again how I had been able to ignore all the signs. "Isn't that enough?"
I licked my lips as my heart pounded fast and hard. And that was for his words only. "Would..." I trailed off, feeling like an idiot, "Would you be with me? For real?" I asked him almost timidly.
"Yes. God yes Tara, don't you see what you do to me? I don't want it to end." He said hurriedly and I saw hope sparkle into his gorgeous eyes as he took a step closer to me.
I kept my eyes on him and forced myself not to jump him, because no matter how I wanted this to be true and act like the hopeless romantic I was sometimes, I still needed to be rational. "I don't want that either." I commented quietly while I collected my thoughts.
"Then don't push me away." He said softly.
"If we were together I'd want a lot...I don't want a relationship with an expiration date. I want someone to build a life and a family with. Do you want that?" I asked and took a deep breath as I got myself ready for the hard part, "Would you drop all your stupid theories about not being enough for being with someone? Would you rethink the idea of getting married again if we realized we're meant to be? Would you give me all you said you could never give to any woman because of your job?"
"Tara I-"
"I'm serious Caleb."
"I know you are!" He yelled back. "But this isn't how relationships work and I know....I know I'm the last person to talk about how they should but that is a lot of pressure."
"And I'm not worth it?" I asked, the emotion heavy in my heart.
"No. You are worth it." He agreed. "But I can't promise you any of those things. I know myself."
"Then wouldn't you rather we ended now? Before we started falling short on the promises?" I asked even though it was stupid. All of this situation was. Maybe this was for the best, if I was already hurting now that I wasn't even in love with him...
"You mean before I start falling short." He said quietly.
"I'm not perfect either." I said weakly.
"But you're expecting me to be. I just. I'll fuck up even more if I'm trying to live up to what you're thinking I should be."
"I just want you to be you Caleb."
"I am."
"I really wish we could rewind this day and never get out of bed." I whispered softly.
"Me too."
"What makes me sad is that you don't really see how amazing you are. And I can't trust you in you can't trust yourself." I added quietly, knowing I should've walked away but I was a masochist who didn't want this moment to end even if it was a painful one, because after saying bye there wouldn't be any more breakfasts, lunches, dinners, fun, happiness, laughs...not with him.
He shook his head because he was so set on the idea he had of himself it was just ridiculous. "You think I'm perfect and I'm not, how many times do I have to tell you?!" He said back angrily.
"It's not my fault if you were nothing but amazing with me." I narrowed my eyes on him, "You're like...blind. Didn't you come with me to those stupid tango lessons? Didn't you come with me to look for an apartment too? Weren't you always here for me?"
"You were heartbroken." He said seriously.
I was taken aback. Was that why? "So you were nice to me because I was miserable? Did you pity me?" I asked him because maybe he was right. I thought too much of him.
He let out a low growl as he rolled his eyes, the sound reminding me so much of the ones he made when he was on top of me. "No Tara, I already told you I wanted you from day one."
"You wanted me because of how I looked back then, but now you know me...was my body only you wanted?" I asked him, wanting to slap him to make him understand that if he could only give himself a chance we'd have one too. "I don't think so. If sex was all you wanted you wouldn't have bothered to do all you did for me."
"I know." Caleb agreed.
"So..." I trailed off, not sure of what to say.
"So what? Are you going to put that kind of pressure on every man you date?" He asked.
I blinked at him, taken aback. "What?"
"You just told me that to be in a relationship with you I have to be prepared to know I want to settle down and have kids."
"That's not what I meant I mean-" I tried to explain but he cut me off. I wasn't asking for that kind of committment right now, only the possibility that it could happen some day.
"No?"
"I'm just saying I know what you want and it's not the same as what I want!" My eyes had gone wide because I felt like I was holding tight to something slippery and no matter how tight it was going to slip away anyway.
"I would change for you Tara! I HAVE changed for you! But I can't go into a relationship with the expectations that you set. We're new. I like you, I might even be falling for you." He admitted, surprising me. "But I don't know how or if we'll work. And I can't promise that we will when we haven't even began."
"Caleb." I said, wanting to say more but feeling...empty.
"It's fine. I get it." He held up his hands and started walking away, his hands fisting at his sides as I watched him.
"I'm sorry." I managed to blur out even though I wasn't sure what I was sorry for.
He turned behind him and saw me still standing right where I had been. "Me too."
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