you'll do anything for me

“Don’t you have work to do?” I asked, pouring my sister another cup of coffee as I slumped on the chair next to her.

“I have a showing in 3 hours.” She shrugged. “This coffee is awesome.”

“Thanks I added nutmeg.” I smiled and she just blinked at me.

“I still can’t believe you’re cooking things.” She laughed. “You’re going to be better than me.”

“It’s actually kind of fun.” I admitted. “I’m going to try desserts next.”

“Be careful or you’ll get fat.” She teased me.

“My boyfriend is excellent at working out with me.” I wiggled my brows at my sister and she laughed.

“Gross.” She smiled into her coffee cup and I noticed the little blush on her face that told me she was thinking about Jax.

“I see that wicked smile of yours.” I told her. She smiled bigger and leaned into me.

“I told Jax I loved him.” She said softly and with so much joy I barely recognized her. I just stared at her.

“You….what?”

“Jax. We said I love you to each other. You know I don’t even think I really knew what that meant until him, I mean I know family love and Will of course I love with all my heart but romantic love? I’ve never felt this way abou-“

“You’ve barely been together a few months.” I pointed out.

“I know it’s fast but it’s how we feel.” She shrugged.

“So he just told you he loved you back? Just like that?” I asked, hearing my voice snap. She blinked at me.

“Yeah.”

“What’s next? Is he moving in?” I stood up and walked to the counter, wishing I already had some kind of dessert to grab.

“Why are you being like this?” she asked softly.

“Because it’s not real Colbie, you have no idea about who each other is to love each other.” She just blinked back at me.

“Excuse me?” Just then Trav walked in, looking beyond handsome in a dark blue three piece suit.

“Hey Colbie.” He walked over and kissed her on the cheek, she smiled but the smile looked fake as I just stared at her. What was wrong with me? Why was I acting like this?

“I was just leaving.” Colbie replied softly and I didn’t stop her as she got her back and left without saying another word to me.

“What was that?” Trav asked, loosening his tie as he sat down on the bar stool next to the counter.

“You’re home early.” I replied instead of answering, grabbing my coffee cup and taking a long sip.

“My meetings were cancelled. Aren’t you happy to see me?” He grinned and I smiled at him softly because it was always a nice surprise to have more time together.

“Trav…when did you know you loved me?” I asked, probably out of nowhere for him but all of a sudden I felt insecure.

"Where is this coming from?" he asked quietly, and I could see his brain working.

"Can't you just answer me?" I shrugged.

"Can't I get a decent hi I'm happy you're here?" he took off his jacket and dropped it on the stool next to the one he was sitting on as he studied me, probably wondering why I was even here at his place. I was being weird admittedly so I walked up to him and set my hands on his chest.

"Hi baby." I kissed him softly and he moved his hands to my waist before I pulled back to sit down next to him.  

"I don't really remember." He replied and I stared at him for a moment before I realized what he was talking about.

"Oh. You can't be serious."

"I am." He said back as he stole the cup from my hand and took a sip of coffee, still studying me as if he was trying to read my mind.

"That's a s.hitty answer Trav." O retorted with a groan, "And give me my coffee back." He handed back the mug and took his vest off as he reached for a pack of cigarettes in his pocket and set one in his lips as I pursed my lips at him.

"I think I realized it when you left me." He reasoned out loud, before lighting up and taking a long drag. "That was when I was really aware of that but deep down? I had known that I loved you way before that. It probably scared the h.ell out of me too." I swallowed as I processed his words. "Can I know why you're asking?"

“I knew fast.” I admitted.

“I didn’t believe you at first.” Travis admitted. I swallowed as I hit myself mentally for being such a bi.tch to my sister. Who was I to tell her if she loved someone or not? I had been their biggest fan and now I was acting like a crazy girl. Maybe I was about to get my period or something.

“Jax and Colbie said I love you” I said finally. A look of shock and surprise melted into understanding as Travis took another drag and breathed out slowly.

“Oh.” He looked conflicted. “Why do I feel like that makes you mad at me?” I shook my head as I ran my hands through my hair.

“It doesn’t.” I said seriously. “But when she told me I got so defensive…like we worked really hard to get where we’re at, there was a lot of hurt and compromise and communication. And they’re just floating off to happily ever after like it’s the easiest thing in the world. I guess a part of me was jealous. Ugh god I have to call her and apologize, I was such a bit.ch.” Trav rose his brows.

“What did you say to her?” he asked.

“I told her she didn’t know him well enough to say she loved him. I treated it like it was a silly crush.” I shook my head.

“I think you’re right.” He replied simply.

“You’ve always been against them though. I was doing it because I felt like they hadn’t paid they’re relationship dues.”

“I’m sure you overreacted a little, which is something we can discuss, but I also think you’re right.” I sighed and plopped down next to him.

“I totally overreacted. I feel like they’re stealing my thunder.” I admitted, pouting a little. “Their relationship is so new and fresh and happy all the time and it makes me feel like old boring news.”

"Are you trying to get me mad?" he asked slowly, his words coming mixed with smoke as he spoke.

"No, Trav. No." I answered quickly, wincing since I knew I sounded nuts today. "Say something..." I added, trailing off.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked back, leaning back and acting casual when I could tell he was close to snapping instead. I bit on my lip and dropped my hand on his knee, trying to soothe the tension.

"Anything. Just tell me what you're thinking." He finally smashed the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray, this time breaking eye contact. "I'm trying to find a way to make your words sound good. And not like you just complained because you feel we're boring."

"That's not what I said Trav, at all!!" I protested and got defensive.

"Oh yeah? Then what?" his voice was quiet now, too much even. I knew I was in trouble.

"I was just saying that they're having it easy while we had to fight so much for what we have now." I explained simply.

"So what Lila?" he spat, "Every couple is different. My brother is very different from me too, that's why. You already knew that if you had gone for him instead of me you would've had it easy too." This time I narrowed my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Don't you dare."

"And beside that? They're idiots. They're acting like teenagers and they're going to f.uck up anyway."

“And that’s the thing Trav I don’t want them too! I don’t want them to ever have to go through a pain like I did when I lost you, I don’t wish that on anyone, so why do I feel this way?” He shrugged.

“Because you’re also acting like a teenager.” He replied in that quiet voice that I knew was his super angry one.

“Okay.” I nodded and went to put my empty coffee mug in the dishwasher before I grabbed my bag and my jacket.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going home.”

“You are home. My home.” I turned to him and blinked back.

“Home is a place where you can communicate your feelings without people getting angry at you.” I spat back.

“Your feelings are ridiculous.” He grabbed another cigarette and I was so tempted to grab it and throw it across the room but I knew that was useless, and would probably just prove his point about how immature I was being.

“I’m sorry I can’t help how I feel Travis! But at least this time I’m trying to share it with you instead of bottling it up inside! God no wonder I used to do that, opening up just gets you mad at me.”

“I feel like I should have stayed at work.” He said, pretty much just ignoring me.

“Then you wont care if I leave. Make your own fu.cking dinner.”

“Lila.” I turned because the tone of his voice was impossible to ignore.

“What Travis!?” I shot back, using his full name the way he used mine. He swallowed and ran his hands through his hair before speaking.

“Are you bored of us?” I blinked back at him, the tone of his voice was the same but the words. They were honest and I realized how bad my craziness must have sounded to him.

“Of course not.” I said seriously.

“So what….you just like the drama? You just want to fight?” I shook my head again.

“No I don’t.” I admitted. “Look I wish I didn’t feel weird about Jax and Colbie but I do. I can’t help it. And it’s not because I have any desire to date your brother so if you even try to  bring that bullshi.t up with me I’ll-“

“You’ll what Lil? Leave me again?” he interrupted. I groaned, so freaking frustrated and upset about how this day had turned that I wanted to lock myself in room and paint it all away, or go swim 10 laps in the pool.

“No! God…I just mean I wish it had been easier for us. I wish it was still easier. Relationships are tough I get it but I actually hate all the drama Trav.”

"I don't understand why you're even thinking about that." he muttered under his breath.

"What?" I blinked at him.

"I said-"

"No, I heard you." I interrupted, "What am I think about which is so hard for you to understand?"

"The past Lila." I could tell he was trying to be civil, but that was making me more annoyed. "What's the point of saying I wish it had been easier for us? What is done is done, we can't change that."

"Sure but don't you wish it was different too?" I asked, remembering all the shit we’d gone through when it could have been so much easier.

"No, I have other things to wish for. You know, things that can actually happen." He groaned. Always the practical one while I was the dreamer instead. "And no anyway because that's the way we got here and maybe if things had gone differently we wouldn't be here now."

"That's what you think?" I asked slowly.

"Yes, that's what I think." he answered flatly, "I also think you're losing your f.ucking mind over nothing."

"Don't talk to me like that Travis." He just snorted and I growled a little. If I was going to be honest he had to respect my thoguhts. "Don't make me feel like I'm crazy, don't underrate how I feel."

"I tried to reason with you but I can't." his voice was hard and I pulled away slightly. "And I might underrate how you feel while you just ignore it instead, you play the poor victim whose boyfriend gets mad whenever she opens up. Also the one who had to get through a lot because of that same boyfriend too." he paused, only to take another drag from a new cigarette, "You don't care why I get mad, you don't even care how it makes me feel that you think we're getting boring, how you wish things were easier. Not just in the past but now too. I'm telling you why they could've never gone differently, because with me difficult is what you get, it's how I am. If you got tired of it let me know before I'm in too deep and it's too late."

“Travis I am not blaming anything on you!” I yelled back, so frustrated I could barely handle it.

“No?” he asked, just getting more fu.cking calm the angrier I got.

“Of course not! I never said you were difficult, I never said I was a victim this is your fuc.king insecurities reading into my words!!!”

“Excuse me?” his eyes widened and I walked up on him.

“You are always afraid that you’re too difficult for me, that it would have been easier if I’d gone for someone like Jax. That’s not what I’m saying! I was at fault for us too. I was the one who insisted I didn’t want more from you and then changed my mind a few days later, I was the one who was so jealous of Karlie for no fu.cking reason and I was the one who left. This isn’t about you being difficult although yes, it is annoying that you take it personally every time I try to open up to you. This is just me trying to express how I feel. And I don’t think we’re boring. God.” I slumped onto the chair next to him and set my head on the counter, feeling exhausted.

“Lila.”

“Not yet, I can’t respond without saying something stupid. Give me a minute.” I said against the granite countertop.

“No.”

“Travis seriously!” I shot my head up to look into his eyes. “Of course I think how everything I do and say makes you feel but you’re just as bad at bottling up your feelings as I am. We tiptoe around each other because we’re afraid it will make more drama in our lives that have enough as it is.” I sighed.

“And?”

“And?” I swallowed and took a deep breath. “And no matter how much drama there is I need you to know that you’re worth it. Even if it’s hard, even if I feel like it’s not fair or if we’re not always totally open with each other I love you.”

"I love you too." Trav said quietly and the words still made my heart pump faster.

"I know." I sighed but still didn't look at him. I felt his hands in my hair as he caressed it and I tried to keep from sighing.

"Why are we fighting? Why we always do?" he asked, though I could tell it was more a rhetorical question. Still I answered.

"Because we're not perfect. Because we're stubborn and we still have a lot to work on." I said quietly yet seriously. Trav sighed this time, bowing his head against my neck and filling me with his scent.

"I know, just like I know that I'm difficult and sometimes I feel bad for how much I put you through, I can't help it. I'm sorry Lil." he muttered against my soft skin. I relaxed in his hold, finally lifting his head.

"Go on..." I said softly.

"I already said I'm sorry." he said back giving me a questioning look and I knew I was going to have to press him further.

"Why do you feel bad?"

“It's how I am with the people I really care about." He shrugged. "Even if sometimes our personalities clash together I wouldn't change anything of yours, I don't want to be the reason why you could change. I usually don't think about it, but when I do...it's scary Lil, how much power I have on you and how big of a responsibility that is too."

“Oh baby if I’m going to change for you it’s going to make me better not worse.” I said seriously.

“What do you mean?”

“Like….like how I wanted to cook for you because you like homecooked meals. It wasn’t like you were going to leave me if I didn’t, I just did it to make you happy and I learned it was something I really enjoyed.”

“You’re not bad at it either.”

“I know.” I smirked at him but then gave him a more serious face. “But I’m always going to be a little silly, I’m going to be more carefree and easy going, my personality isn’t going to change. I love you baby, but I won’t let anyone have that kind of power over me.”

“But when we were apart…”

“I wasn’t a different person Trav, I was heartbroken, but eventually I would have pulled myself out of it.”

“You don’t know that.” He shook his head and I could see him thinking about his ex.

“I am not Karlie.” I said seriously.

“You didn’t see how you were when we were broken up Lil.” He admitted, running his hands through his hair.

“You were a fu.cking mess too Trav. We were miserable because we’re happier together, not because we have some strange power over each other that changes who we are.”

“I don’t know how to change though.” He admitted.

“You’ve already changed baby. Think of how we were the first time we met and how we are now. You’re a different man for the better, and just because you’re more stubborn than I am doesn’t mean we’re both not trying to be better.”

 "How am I more stubborn than you." he said with a straight face before breaking into a grin and I knew the worst was over at least for tonight. I rolled my eyes but I was still grinning.

"You're the most stubborn person in the universe."

"That sounds dramatic." he commented before leaning in to kiss me.

"I'm going to call Colbie." I sighed as I got up, but his hand on my wrist stopped me.

"Wait Lil." he said, his voice serious again. "There's something I never told you."

"I feel like this is bad."

"It's not." he said back as he got up, sliding his hand into mine as he led her upstairs, "You asked me when I realized I loved you and I told you that, but I didn't tell you when I understood how different you really were."

"When?" I asked quietly as he lead me into a room he said he never used. Mostly it was storage but when we went in he let go of my hands and pulled down a big piece of cloth covering a painting. My painting.

"When I bought this. I always thought you were beautiful but it wasn't until I landed my eyes on this I realized how much more than that you were." he said quietly, actually sounding a little embarrassed.

“Travis.” I widened my eyes as I walked up to the painting. The one of both of our hands intertwined in passion I’d done right after we’d spent our first nights together.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before…” He trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed even.

“This was on sale way before we were together.” I pointed out. He nodded.

“I know.” I went up and touched my painting softly, it was one of the only one’s I’d regretted selling.

“I’m so glad you bought it.” I admitted. “I painted it for you.” I turned to see so much emotion in his eyes it almost knocked me on my feet.

“I think I knew that.” He replied softly, his voice carrying barely a hint less of the confidence it normally did.

“I love you so much.” I replied, walking up and sliding my hands up his chest to wrap my arms around them. “I’m sorry if I’m a drama queen sometimes.”

“That’s what I get for being with a baby.” He teased. I chuckled and pressed my mouth against his. “I’m sorry I’m a stubborn as.s sometimes.” I grinned as I rose a brow at him.

“Just sometimes?” I asked, though it didn’t bother me usually. I liked how opposite we were, how we balanced and played off of each other.

“Usually.” He admitted, picking me up and wrapping my legs around his waist.

“Where are we going?”

‘I’m going to show you how not boring we are.” He replied, his hands already starting to undress me. My stomach flipped and I bit down on my lip as I looked at him.

“I don’t think we’re boring. But I like your ideas.” I said, my voice already becoming breathy with anticipation.