I sat down beside her and she smiled, she said where have you been it's been awhile

I heard voices as I closed the door of my house behind me, beyond grateful to be home early and to get to spend some time with Lila but less grateful to have to share her with someone else apparently. As soon as I walked into the kitchen I found Colbie and I was almost surprised she was there and not with my brother. Maybe it was a good sign. “Hey Colbie.” I walked over and kissed her on the cheek, she smiled but the smile looked fake and Lila was looking her weird. It was clear that something was happening.
“I was just leaving.” Colbie replied softly and Lila didn’t stop her as she got her back and left without saying another word to her sister.
“What was that?” I asked, loosening my tie as I sat down on the bar stool next to the counter.

“You’re home early.” Lila replied instead of answering, grabbing her coffee cup and taking a long sip.
“My meetings were cancelled. Aren’t you happy to see me?” I grinned.
She smiled at me softly but it took her a few seconds to speak. “Trav…when did you know you loved me?” She asked out of nowhere.
I raised my eyebrow slowly as I stared at her, studying her. "Where is this coming from?" I asked quietly, wondering if I was in trouble. I hadn't some anything wrong had I?
She just shrugged, "Can't you just answer me?"
"Can't I get a decent hi I'm happy you're here?" I asked back, taking my jacket off and dropping it on the stool next to the one I was sitting on. The only day I got to get home early and she was clearly upset about something...oh I was so lucky. Also I wondered why she was at my place. Not that I minded that, actually it was exactly what I wanted.
She let out a deep breath, walking over me and setting her hands on my chest gently, "Hi baby." She said as she pressed a kiss on my lips, a kiss I barely felt since I knew she was somewhere else with her mind. It was weird that before Lila, everything had always been so physical while now it was a lot mental and emotional too. Damn this girl and the effect she had on me.
"I don't really remember." I said back once she pulled back to take a seat in front of me.
She blinked, it took her a few moments to realize I was back to the previous subject. "Oh. You can't be serious." She added.
"I am." I said back as I stole the cup from her hand and took a sip of coffee, keeping my eyes on her and trying to gauge her reaction...something, anything that would help me understand what was wrong.
"That's a s.hitty answer Trav." She retorted with a groan, "And give me my coffee back."
I did as told, taking my vest off before reaching for my pack of cigarettes and setting one between my lips. If we were going to have this kind of conversation? I needed to smoke. "I think I realized it when you left me." I reasoned out loud, recalling the past months spent with her and without her too, then paused to take a drag of smoke. "That was when I was really aware of that but deep down? I had known that I loved you way before that. It probably scared the hell out of me too." I went on and she just stared at me, saying nothing. "Can I know why you're asking?"
“I knew fast.” Lila admitted.
“I didn’t believe you at first.” I confessed, but that wasn't brand new information for her. I had thought she was mistaking lust with love, when it was really love instead.
She swallowed. “Jax and Colbie said I love you” She said finally.
A look of shock and surprise melted into understanding as I took another drag and breathed out slowly. “Oh.” I felt conflicted. “Why do I feel like that makes you mad at me?”
She shook her head as she ran her hands through her hair. “It doesn’t.” She said seriously. “But when she told me I got so defensive…like we worked really hard to get where we’re at, there was a lot of hurt and compromise and communication. And they’re just floating off to happily ever after like it’s the easiest thing in the world. I guess a part of me was jealous. Ugh god I have to call her and apologize, I was such a bitch.”
I rose my brows. “What did you say to her?” I asked.
“I told her she didn’t know him well enough to say she loved him. I treated it like it was a silly crush.” She shook her head.
“I think you’re right.” I replied simply.
“You’ve always been against them though. I was doing it because I felt like they hadn’t paid they’re relationship dues.”
“I’m sure you overreacted a little, which is something we can discuss, but I also think you’re right.”
She sighed and plopped down next to me. “I totally overreacted. I feel like they’re stealing my thunder.” She admitted, pouting a little. “They’re relationship is so new and fresh and happy all the time and it makes me feel like old boring news.”
"Are you trying to get me mad?" I asked slowly, my words coming mixed with smoke as I kept my stare on her, my face straight. If I had known this was what was waiting for me at home? I would've stayed at work.
"No, Trav. No." She answered hurriedly, keeping her eyes on me but I wasn't giving anything away. I wasn't saying anything either. "Say something..." She added, trailing off.
"What do you want me to say?" I asked back, leaning my elbow on the kitchen island as I kept smoking but I was dangerously close to fume instead.
She bit down on her lip, dropping her hand on my knee tentatively and giving me her best doe eyes. I wasn't going to fall for that. "Anything. Just tell me what you're thinking."
I smashed the butt of my cigarette into the ashtray, this time breaking eye contact. "I'm trying to find a way to make your words sound good. And not like you just complained because you feel we're boring." I answered this time, part of me tempted to think that she was getting bored of me too. Now she had what she wanted, she had me, maybe that was it. But it was too soon to draw conclusions and I was in no state of mind to do so.
"That's not what I said Trav, at all!!" She protested and got defensive.
"Oh yeah? Then what?" I asked back, my eyes back on hers and my voice dangerously quiet.
"I was just saying that they're having it easy while we had to fight so much for what we have now." She explained simply.
"So what Lila?" I spat, "Every couple is different. My brother is very different from me too, that's why. You already knew that if you had gone for him instead of me you would've had it easy too."
She narrowed her eyes on me this time and, of course, crossed her arms against her chest, "Don't you dare."
"And beside that?" I ignored her completely, "They're idiots. They're acting like teenagers and they're going to fuck up anyway."
“And that’s the thing Trav I don’t want them too! I don’t want them to ever have to go through a pain like I did when I lost you, I don’t wish that on anyone, so why do I feel this way?”
I shrugged. “Because you’re also acting like a teenager.” I replied in that quiet voice that only meant I was angry instead.
“Okay.” She nodded and went to put her empty coffee mug in the dishwasher before she grabbed her bag and her jacket.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going home.”
“You are home. My home.”
She turned to me and blinked back. “Home is a place where you can communicate your feelings without people getting angry at you.” She spat back. And there we were, fighitng for other instead fighting for our own reasons, as if we didn't have enough.
“Your feelings are ridiculous.” I grabbed another cigarette, wanting to smoke one million.
“I’m sorry I can’t help how I feel Travis! But at least this time I’m trying to share it with you instead of bottling it up inside! God no wonder I used to do that, opening up just gets you mad at me.”
“I feel like I should have stayed at work.” I said, pretty much just ignoring her.
“Then you wont care if I leave. Make your own fucking dinner.”
“Lila.” I said sternly. It was a command.
She turned because the tone of my voice was impossible to ignore. “What Travis!?” She shot back, using my full name the way I used hers.
I swallowed and ran my hands through my hair before speaking. “Are you bored of us?” I asked, a little afraid by what her answer could be.
She blinked back at me. “Of course not.” She said seriously.
“So what….you just like the drama? You just want to fight?” I asked, trying to guess why we were doing this, why she was doing this.
She shook her head again. “No I don’t.” She admitted. “Look I wish I didn’t feel weird about Jax and Colbie but I do. I can’t help it. And it’s not because I have any desire to date your brother so if you even try to bring that bullshit up with me I’ll-“
“You’ll what Lil? Leave me again?” I interrupted.
She groaned. “No! God…I just mean I wish it had been easier for us. I wish it was still easier. Relationships are tough I get it but I actually hate all the drama Trav.”
I shook my head, rolling my cigarette between my fingers, "I don't understand why you're even thinking about that." I muttered under my breath.
"What?" She blinked at me.
"I said-"
"No, I heard you." She cut me off and got a glare in response, "What am I think about which is so hard for you to understand?"
"The past Lila." I said back in monotone, doing my best to keep my annoyance in check. Maybe I'd fail anyway, but at least I was trying. "What's the point of saying I wish it had been easier for us? What is done is done, we can't change that."
She seemed to listen at least, processing my words, "Sure but don't you wish it was different too?"
"No, I have other things to wish for. You know, things that can actually happen." I groaned because I swear, I just couldn't get it. "And no anyway because that's the way we got here and maybe if things had gone differently we wouldn't be here now."
"That's what you think?" She asked slowly, watching me smoke.
"Yes, that's what I think." I answered flatly, "I also think you're losing your fucking mind over nothing."
Her eyes widened a little, "Don't talk to me like that Travis." I just snorted. "Don't make me feel like I'm crazy, don't underrate how I feel."
"I tried to reason with you but I can't." I said back, my voice coming out harsher than I intended it to be, "And I might underrate how you feel while you just ignore it instead, you play the poor victim whose boyfriend gets mad whenever she opens up. Also the one who had to get through a lot because of that same boyfriend too." I paused, only to take another drag from my cigarette, "You don't care why I get mad, you don't even care how it makes me feel that you think we're getting boring, how you wish things were easier. Not just in the past but now too. I'm telling you why they could've never gone differently, because with me difficult is what you get, it's how I am. If you got tired of it let me know before I'm in too deep and it's too late."
“Travis I am not blaming anything on you!” Lila yelled back, acting like a kid all over again.
“No?” I asked, just getting more calm the angrier she got.
“Of course not! I never said you were difficult, I never said I was a victim this is your fucking insecurities reading into my words!!!”
“Excuse me?” My eyes widened and she walked up on me.
“You are always afraid that you’re too difficult for me, that it would have been easier if I’d gone for someone like Jax. That’s not what I’m saying! I was at fault for us too. I was the one who insisted I didn’t want more from you and then changed my mind a few days later, I was the one who was so jealous of Karlie for no fucking reason and I was the one who left. This isn’t about you being difficult although yes, it is annoying that you take it personally every time I try to open up to you. This is just me trying to express how I feel. And I don’t think we’re boring. God.” She slumped onto the chair next to me and set her head on the counter.
“Lila.” I said simply, wanting her to stop.
“Not yet, I can’t respond without saying something stupid. Give me a minute.” She said against the granite countertop.
“No.” I spat back. My home, my rules.
“Travis seriously!” She shot her head up to look into my eyes. “Of course I think how everything I do and say makes you feel but you’re just as bad at bottling up your feelings as I am. We tiptoe around each other because we’re afraid it will make more drama in our lives that have enough as it is.” She sighed.
“And?”
“And?” She swallowed and took a deep breath. “And no matter how much drama there is I need you to know that you’re worth it. Even if it’s hard, even if I feel like it’s not fair or if we’re not always totally open with each other I love you.”
I put off my cigarette and grabbed my stool to drag it closer to hers, my arms wrapping around her from behind as she set her forehead back against the countertop. "I love you too." I said quietly, meaning it of course.
"I know." She sighed but still didn't look at me.
I lifted my hand to caress her hair, tangling my fingers with it, playing with her blonde locks, "Why are we fighting? Why we always do?" I asked even though I wasn't asking just to her, I was asking myself too.
"Because we're not perfect. Because we're stubborn and we still have a lot to work on." She said quietly yet seriously.
It was my time to let out a sigh, my head bowing down so that I could hide my face against the crook of her neck, "I know, just like I know that I'm difficult and sometimes I feel bad for how much I put you through, I can't help it. I'm sorry Lil." I muttered against her soft skin.
Her body relaxed a little and she leaned back into me, finally lifting her head, "Go on..." She said softly.
"I already said I'm sorry." I said back and pulled my head back to look at her with a questioning look on my face. What was I missing now?
"Why do you feel bad?" She asked instead.
I shrugged, playing it off, "It's how I am with the people I really care about." I explained, "Even if sometimes our personalities clash together I wouldn't change anything of yours, I don't want to be the reason why you could change. I usually don't think about it, but when I do...it's scary Lil, how much power I have on you and how big of a responability that is too."
“Oh baby if I’m going to change for you it’s going to make me better not worse.” Lila said seriously.
“What do you mean?” I asked because I wasn't sure of that.
“Like….like how I wanted to cook for you because you like homecooked meals. It wasn’t like you were going to leave me if I didn’t, I just did it to make you happy and I learned it was something I really enjoyed.”
“You’re not bad at it either.”
“I know.” She smirked at me but then gave me a more serious face. “But I’m always going to be a little silly, I’m going to be more carefree and easy going, my personality isn’t going to change. I love you baby, but I won’t let anyone have that kind of power over me.”
“But when we were apart…” I trailed off at the painful memory.
“I wasn’t a different person Trav, I was heartbroken, but eventually I would have pulled myself out of it.”
“You don’t know that.” I shook my head, thinking about my ex.
“I am not Karlie.” She said seriously.
“You didn’t see how you were when we were broken up Lil.” I pointed out, running my hands through my hair.
“You were a fucking mess too Trav. We were miserable because we’re happier together, not because we have some strange power over each other that changes who we are.”
“I don’t know how to change though.” I admitted. I didn't even want to, to be honest.
“You’ve already changed baby. Think of how we were the first time we met and how we are now. You’re a different man for the better, and just because you’re more stubborn than I am doesn’t mean we’re both not trying to be better.”
"How am I more stubborn than you." I said with a straight face before breaking into a grin, knowing that the storm was gone, at least for now, and we could relax again and enjoy the rest of the day.
She rolled her eyes but she still had a smile playing on her lips. "You're the most stubborn person in the universe."
"That sounds dramatic." I commented as I leaned into her to kiss her gently.
She chucked, then pulled away, "I'm going to call Colbie." She sighed as she got up, but a caught her by her wrist.
"Wait Lil." I told her more seriously. She gave me a questioning look. "There's something I never told you."
She swallowed, tensing again, "I feel like this is bad."
"It's not." I said back as I got up, sliding my hand into hers as I led her upstairs, "You asked me when I realized I loved you and I told you that, but I didn't tell you when I understood how different you really were."
"When?" She asked quietly, still eyeing me suspiciously as we stepped into a room we never used. It was my office, or what I should have used as office, it was more like a mess of a place where I stuffed things.
I let go of her hand to pull down the big piece of cloth covering the painting of hands she had made more than one year before. "When I bought this. I always thought you were beautiful but it wasn't until I landed my eyes on this I realized how much more than that you were." I said quietly, feeling a little embarrassed. I wanted to finally hang that painting though and this seemed like the right time.
“Travis.” Lila widened her eyes as I walked up to the painting.
I had repeated to myself they were just hands, but they were our hands instead, at the very beginning, but still locked together real tight. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before…” I trailed off.
“This was on sale way before we were together.” She pointed out.
I nodded. “I know.”
She went up and touched her painting softly, “I’m so glad you bought it.” She paused. “I painted it for you.” She turned to look into my eyes and when she did, the way we stared at each other, it was just so intense.
“I think I knew that.” I replied softly.
“I love you so much.” She replied, walking up and sliding her hands up my chest to wrap her arms around me. “I’m sorry if I’m a drama queen sometimes.”
“That’s what I get for being with a baby.” I teased. She chuckled and pressed her mouth against mine. “I’m sorry I’m a stubborn ass sometimes.”
She grinned as she rose a brow at me. “Just sometimes?” She asked.
“Usually.” I admitted, picking her up and wrapping her legs around my waist.
“Where are we going?”
"I’m going to show you how not boring we are.” I replied, his hands already starting to undress her.
She bit down on her lip as she looked at me, the look into her eyes changing. “I don’t think we’re boring. But I like your ideas.” She said, her voice already becoming breathy with anticipation.