no matter what they say it wont hurt me

Trav kissed the top of my head as I leaned into him. I still felt a little dizzy from the night before where we’d goone out with friends and now it was nice to be lazy. I even slept past 8. Couldn’t remember the last time I did that.

"Next time, I'm going to pick what we watch." Trav said against my hair quietly. I groaned as I looked back up to him.

"It's not like I'm forcing you to watch Frozen." I teased.

"Maybe that would've been better, I could've fallen asleep." I grinned back at him and rolled my eyes until he pressed a kiss against my mouth.  

"Shut up and let me watch my movie." I muttered, cuddling in his hold. He squeezed me in as I watchd Katie Holmes try not to be annoying and failing miserably, but hey Christian Bale. I smirked and noticed Travis thinking hard behind me, I could always tell when something was on his mind.

"What are you thinking about?" I broke the silence as I turned my head to kiss under his chin. He parted his lips then we heard a knock on my door. "Are you waiting someone?" I asked with a brow raised. Trav shook his head and then shrugged.

"Nope. Maybe it's Jax...I have no idea." he said honestly and returned the kiss, placing it on my lips instead. "Please." he smirked, not needing to say what he wanted. He didn’t want to get up. I rolled my eyes with a teasing smile his way as I got up.

"You're too lazy." I sighed and jumped when he spanked me on my way past him. "Ouch." He just smirked as I walked to the door and opened it. A pretty brunette stood at the door, her eyes red and her appearance was sullen. Almost like I recognized what used to be beauty but was now mostly sadness. I knew instantly who she was. Felt the connection before she even spoke. Neither of us spoke for what seemed like forever before her voice cut through my reverie.

"I...where's Travis?" Karlie asked. I felt Trav behind me immediately, his laziness forgotten as his past and present stood at his doorway.

"What are you doing here Karlie?" he said slowly, only confirming what I already knew about who she was. I had been told numerous times we weren’t alike but it was like looking at my polar opposite.

"I...I tried to call you but you didn't answer and I really really need to talk to you." She breathed out, staring at her ex while her face got paler and paler. Trav set a hand on my back and I immediately leaned into him, needing someone to ground me.

"I was busy. I am busy. " he explained and it was like she finally remembered I was standing there.

"Right. I'm Karlie." She breathed out, even offering her hand out to me. I took it slowly.

"Lila."

"Trav, it happened again." Karlie's voice busted out and next thing I knew I was pushed aside as she buried her face into Trav’s chest, sobbing as she held him tight. I closed the door in a daze trying to bring myself back to reality while Trav shot me an apologetic look.  

"Calm down now, I'm here." he breathed out, sounding nothing like my man at all.

“I need to talk to you.” She pulled him closer, tightening her hands against his tee shirt as she nuzzled into him. On the one hand I felt terrible for her. She went through something awful and the consequences of her actions were destroying her. But the purely instinctual side of me felt wildly possessive. So much that I literally hated seeing her clutching onto the man that belonged to me.

“We can talk.” He said in a soft and reassuring tone that I’d never even heard him use before. He ran his hand down her hair and although I knew it was because he loved her in a different way? My chest still felt tight.

“I…” She didn’t look at me but the way she was looking at Trav made me know I wasn’t wanted there. Which made sense. She was dealing with a hardship and didn’t want a stranger in the room. Didn’t stop me from feeling like I was here first though.

“Lil could you give us a minute?” he asked, his eyes full of emotions I couldn’t quite read. I swallowed and nodded.

“Sure I’ll just go back to my place.” I said, watching as Karlie relaxed at my words.

“Don’t be silly baby, we’ll only be a minute.” He said, pulling away from his ex to cup my face and kiss me softly. I had an urge to grab his face and kiss him harder to mark my territory but since I wasn’t actually a puppy I thought better of it.

“Okay. I’ll go sketch in your bedroom.” I said, knowing that no way would I be able to do anything but stare at the ceiling and wonder what the hell they were talking about. I don’t know how long I was there before I heard Trav come into the room.

“Baby, you're not sketching." He said quietly and sat next to me, dropping his hand on my side. I just shrugged, taking a breath to try and control my feelings. I didn’t really know how I felt.

"Did she go away?" Trav caressed my face in his hand and it calmed me just slightly.

"No. I don't think she can really." He said softly and bent over me to kiss my lips firmly yet softly, "But I let her know that you're going to be here too. And not hiding in my bedroom." He paused to gauge my reaction. “Is that okay for you? Look, I know it's weird and it's hard for you too...but I can't just send her away, just like I don't want you to go away either."

“Baby I can understand that you feel responsible for her, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be too.”

“I’m not asking you to be.” I cupped his face and kissed him, pressing my body against his as I tangled my fingers in his hair, kissing him the way I’d wanted to but for me not for someone else’s benefit.

“Okay.” I nodded. “But you have to understand that I don’t think it’s healthy.” Trav’s eyes went cloudy and I was wondering if I was just making things worse. But it didn’t matter if I was, I had to be honest with him. Always.

“I won’t ask her to leave just like I won’t ask you to hide away all day while she needs to be with someone.” He said in an even tone.

“Are you sure you don’t just want me to leave? I could get some painting done.” Travis looked at me.

“You would want me to be alone with her instead of with you?” He asked, and I wasn’t sure what he wanted to know from the question.

“I trust you completely Travis and of course I’d rather spend today with you.”

“Then come downstairs. You were going to meet sometime, even when she’s not being my problem she’s going to be my friend.” I sighed.

“I wish this was easier for me.” I admitted.

“What are you thinking?” I shook my head.

“I know I’m crazy to still be jealous but I feel like the odds are unfair. I’ve never had a connection with someone like the one I have with you and the woman who used to share that connection with you is downstairs, still needing you.” Travis reached down to cup my face.

“Understand this Lila. What I have with you I have never had with anyone else because you are unique. We are different than Karlie and I. Even before she got pregnant I knew things were over between us and that means that what we had wasn’t strong enough. What I have with you? It’s stronger.” I felt my body relax at his firm conviction to what he was saying.

“I don’t know how to be around her. What would she think if she knew I knew about what she’s going through? I don’t know how fragile she is, how to talk to her….what to say. I feel lost and I’m usually so good with people.”

"Just be you. Act as if you know nothing, like you'd act with anyone else." He said, seeming confident in his words but I knew better.

"But she's not anyone else." I pointed out. Trav sighed and leaned into me, his nose in my hair as he pulled me closer.

"It's going to be fine." he muttered and kissed my neck before pulling his head back to look into my eyes again, "It has to be. Trust me Lil, she's not going to say anything about how she feels once you're going to be in the same room with me."

"Why would she even want to stay in the same room with me." I questioned, more to myself than to him. "I wonder if she still wants you."

"She doesn't, not like that. And she knows I don't either, just like she knows that the only way she can get to spend some time with me right now is if you're here too." he explained, "That's why. I'm not giving her any other choice."

"Oh yeah that's what you usually do."

"I'm waiting for you downstairs. Take your time baby." He told me before going back to the living room. I took a few more deep breathes before following him hearing him say something about tea.

"Make one for me too please?" I asked, and he turned his face towards me with relief and gratitude in his smile.

"Yes baby." I walked over to the couch and sat down, giving Karlie a smile who was looking at me warily. So awkward. I felt like I was in one of those silly show for teens on the CW that my brother was always doing.

“Travis tells me you work in finance.” I offered, smiling sweetly as she narrowed her eyes at me.

“Does he say a lot about me?” I shrugged.

“You’re his friend.” I replied, that seemed to placate her a little.

“What do you do?” I licked my lips, tempted to be annoyed at Travis for not talking about me, but hell that gave me something to say to this girl.

“I’m an artist. I used to do graphic design with Apple, but I prefer painting.” She blinked at me.

“You worked with Trav?” I tried hard not to keep from wincing at the use of the nick name that I was sure all his friends used.

“I did, but it was a big company. We actually met at my nephews rugby game.” Karlie crossed one leg over the other.

“So not only were you a co-worker, but you’re family of one of his players? Wow he’s breaking all kinds of rules for you.” I wasn’t really sure what to say to that. Luckily Travis came into the room with two hot cups of tea that I couldn’t get in my mouth fast enough.

“What are you talking about?” he asked warily, sipping his own drink which looked like coffee.

“Lila was telling me how you met.” Karlie said simply, stars in her eyes as she looked at Trav. I didn’t get it. I loved Travis but if we had ended the way that he and Karlie had? I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me. Why did she still idolize him the way she clearly did.

“At the game.” He grinned and I nodded.

“Exactly.”

“You worked together too.” She pointed out. Travis nodded.

“Not anymore. She paints for a living now. She painted that picture.” He pointed over to where the painting I’d made him for Christmas of his family was hanging. She stood up to look at it, smiling softly.

“You’re very talented.” She commented.

“Thank you.” I offered, pleased that at least this wasn’t turning out horrible, even as awkward as it was.

"You're welcome." she ex said as she studied me. "So where else could I see your art? Except for Trav's house, of course." I tensed not really knowing if that was an insult or a question.

"Plenty of galleries. I just came back from New York and got one of her paintings from a gallery there." Trav said as he winked at me and I could feel his pride. I loved how invested he was in my art, but right now it just felt awkward.

"Uh I bet you're her biggest fan." Karlie pointed out, sipping her tea and shooting him a look.

"I don't want to sound cocky but he's not the only one who appreciates my art." I said back, maybe a little too quickly to be nice.

"You're not cocky, just confident." Trav grinned at me and I rolled my eyes since he wouldn’t know. He was the king of cocky.

"You're the cocky one instead." Karlie interjected reading my thoughts.

"So what." He asked flatly and she just shrugged, averting her eyes from both of us again.

"What were you watching?" She asked, changing the topic into a more neutral one. Which was good. Or at least I thought it could.

"Batman begins. It's good." I answered this time, trying hard to focus on normal human interactions.

"It is. I love Christian Bale." She said back, "We went to see that together, do you remember Trav?" My stomach churned and I wondered again how much she wanted him for his comfort and how much she wanted him just for him.

"I do. It was like ten years ago."

“Wow is this movie that old?” I smiled at Trav.

“You were probably what…8 when it came out?” I widened my eyes at her. It was one thing for Travis to tease me about my age, but this bit.ch didn’t even know me.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying.” She shrugged.

“Karlie.”

“You’re just saying what? That I’m younger than you?” I asked, trying to get to just what she wanted to tell me.

“Well you are.”

“Excellent observation.” I nodded. “What does that matter?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know you.” She shrugged, though her eyes had gotten even colder if it was possible.

“Do you want to?” I asked bluntly. She licked her lips but didn’t really answer. I nodded.

“Your silence speaks volumes.” I said with a resigned voice. I grabbed my mug and stepped away from the couch. “I’m going to get more tea.” What I really wanted was alcohol but I would settle for just a few moments to myself to recuperate. I didn’t want to be mean, I knew she had been through a lot in her life, and hell if I had lost Travis the way she did I know I would be miserable. But there was also a part of me that knew she didn’t have all of him like I did. And that was comforting.

“Keep it together Lila.” I muttered to myself as I slid my hair up into a bun at the top of my head, getting the heat away from my neck as I took a few deep breaths. I sipped my tea slowly, hearing the harsh voices without understanding the words.

"Baby, I'm sorry." Trav started after a few minutes, reaching out for me.

"I know Trav...it's not your fault." I paused as I set my empty cup on the counter. "I don't know how to do this."

"I don't know that either." he said honestly, holding me against his hard body. "I won't make it happen again, I promise." I nodded, even though it wasn’t him who had to respect that promise and I wasn’t sure he could keep it. Not for lack of trying of course.

“Can you get me some Tylenol? I have a headache.” I asked and he kissed my forehead before nodding.

“Of course.” He ran up the stairs and I knew it would take him a few moments to find what he was looking for, giving me time to do what I needed.

“Karlie.” I said, walking into the kitchen and bracing myself for what I was about to say.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.” She said softly.

“No. You’re sorry it bothered Travis.” I retorted seriously.

“What do you think you have with him exactly?” she asked.

“I would say that that is none of your business, because in my mind it isn’t, but Travis is determined to keep you a friend and I would understand a friends curiosity in the woman he’s with.” I said in an even voice.

“That’s reasonable of you.” She agreed, looking suspicious.

“I’m a reasonable person. I have no desire to hurt you or cause you any harm. I don’t know you. Since you are important to the man I love, I will get to know you, but you will respect my boundaries and you will not make me feel inferior simply because the situation is awkward.”

“You don’t talk your age.” She said, licking her lips as she leaned back.

“And you don’t act yours, running to your ex every time you’re upset.” I said back seriously. I knew that might be pushing it a little far, but I was honest, and she should know what I felt.

“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I-“

“Are you under the delusion that Travis and I are just fuc.king around? I plan to spend the rest of my life with him and we are completely honest with each other about our pasts.” I said it vaguely but seriously enough for her to know that I knew everything. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth to speak several times.

“I-He-Travis had no right to-“ I took a few steps closer, sitting on the couch and trying my best to feel empathy for the woman in front of me.

“You’ve had a hard time. I could never even imagine what you had to go through. But is this making it better? Is demeaning me now helping your pain? If it does by all means continue to try and belittle me and make this even worse because in the end I put my faith in the fact that Travis will choose me. The truth is that I plan on being in Travis’ life for a long time, and if we could find some way to be friends? That would make both of our lives easier.” I said finally, because in the end Travis was a picky man, he chose his friends wisely and there had to be some reason why this woman made the cut. Neither of us said anything as we heard Trav running back down the stairs.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." We answered in unison. Awkward.

"I'm going away." Karlie breathed out and got up, looking even more upset now. Fuck. I thought I’d been mostly good. "I don't feel welcome anymore." She added before walking out of the room. Trav shot me a confused glance before going after her.

"Kar, you don't have to go.” I flinched at the nickname. Apparently it wasn’t just a thing he did for me.  “You know you can stay."

"Not if Lila is here." She shook her head, "She...I...just no."

"But this is my house, not hers, I get to decide who I want here." He pointed out and my stomach churned even more because it didn’t sound like he was on my side.

"You told her about the baby." She said bluntly, choking on her words, "You shouldn't have told her."

"It's part of my past too, remember that Karlie." He said back before leaning into hug her while I got a hold of myself. "You'll be fine. Call me if you need something, okay?"

"I'll call you later." She paused a moment, opening the door, "I can see what you see in Lila. But she needs to respect me if you want me to respect her." She added, leaving me seething.

"What did you tell her?" Trav asked bluntly, looking worried but not mad exactly.

“The truth.” I said seriously.

“Which was?”

“She needed to know I wasn’t just your favorite toy this week. I let her know that.”

“But how did you say it?” he wasn’t looking accusing, more curious. Or frightened. That was a new emotion for me with Travis. I’d only seen it once before. When I was leaving him. I hated that look on my fearless man.

“I told her that we’re completely honest with each other and if she wants to continue being in your life we need to find a way to be in the same room. I told her it would be easier if we were friends. Honestly I held back quite a bit, I don’t know why she left like that.”

“She said you needed to respect her before she respects you.” I sighed. That made sense, but there was a pretty big problem there.

“I don’t necessarily care if she respects me to be honest but she’s right about one thing, I don’t respect her. Respect is earned. I have empathy for her. I feel for her, and I’m sorry that she’s hurting. But respect? She has a lot of work to do before she gets that from me.”

“You don’t know how she is, bringing that up just makes it worse.”

“She opened the door to opening it up when she came in here crying about it.” I pointed out, keeping my voice even because I wasn’t trying to fight about this. “Travis I didn’t mention anything other than the fact that we’re honest with each other. I told her I was sorry she was having a hard time but not to take it out on me because that’s not going to help. She seems like a lost girl, not a bad one. There was a reason she caught your eye, a reason that you fell for her once and still feel for her now. I do respect that, and I’ll try harder than anything to see her through your eyes.”

“Lila.” His voice caught on his throat and I wasn’t quite sure how he was feeling.

“Except without the guilt. Because none of this is your fu.cking fault.” I added, still more than annoyed that his ex guilt tripped him every time she showed up teary eyed. Didn’t she see that made it worse for him? And if she really loved him wouldn’t she want to protect him from that hurt instead of bringing it up every time she felt sad? It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t mature and that was why she didn’t have my respect.

"I don't want to thank about it anymore." he said and took a deep breath as he slumped on the couch. I sat next to him and dropped my hand on his arm.

"Trav, don't do this." I said softly. He turned to me and looked into my eyes with a tired expression.

"What baby?"

"Don't close yourself and let me out." I squeezed his arm.

"I'm just so tired Lil, I've been dealing with this s.hit for years."

"Maybe it's time to deal with it differently." I said carefully, expecting him to argue but instead he swallowed thickly and just shook his head again.

"I don't know how."

 "You have me now." I explained.

"I really don't want to add you in the mix. We tried today and it didn't go well...I really appreciate the way you were with her, how you tried, and I know there will be times when we'll be with my friends and she'll be there but that's all. I don't want you to to become friends, I don't want you to see her or talk to her." he said seriously.

"I think that's just avoiding the problem." I pointed out slowly.

"See? That's the thing. I don't want to have any problem with you." he retorted, too stubborn to change his mind now. "And the fact that you told her you know about the abortion? God Lil, that will keep her obsessed for weeks." I gave him a look and he grabbed my hand, "Look, I'm not saying you did the wrong thing. I'm just trying to make you understand how tricky and dangerous can be to be around my ex...I know she can be good, but with you around I'm scared she'll only show her worst from now on and I just want to protect you baby."

 “If she’s tricky and dangerous than why do you let her be a part of your life?” I asked seriously, a part of me relieved that he was giving me a way out, but another part stubborn enough to want to make this woman like me whether or not she really wanted to.
“You already know why.” I climbed into Trav’s lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and shaking my head.
“I think I’m just confused because I’ve never seen you let anyone push you around or guilt trip you or make you feel inferior and she seems so pathetic to me I don’t know why she’s the exception.”
“Lila.” He narrowed his eyes at me and I sighed.
“Not pathetic like a bad person. I’m sure she’s innately good. But the way she’s acting.” Trav ran his hands up my thighs and rested at my waist before leaning his head down against my chest.
“I don’t know Lil.” He admitted, and it was one of the most open and honest things he had ever said to me. My heart ached as he held me closer and I tangled my hands through his hair to lift his head up so I could look into his eyes.
“That’s a fair answer.” I leaned down and kissed him softly until Trav gripped my body with his hands and deepened the kiss, telling me words in the way we did best. Without them.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to do when it comes to her. I just don’t want to be blindsided again.” I admitted. “I want to know if and when she’ll be around and when and if you’ll be with her.” Trav opened his mouth but I kept talking. “Not because I don’t trust you. But if you even admit she’s manipulative and dangerous than I want to know when you’re putting yourself in that situation.”
“I think that’s fair Lila, but she’s unpredictable.” I sighed.
“I do feel for her.” I said seriously. Hating how the good girl rational side of me was fighting with the jealous overprotective bad girl side.
“I believe you.”
“Am I the first blonde you’ve ever liked?” I smirked, switching the subject to something way less heavy. Trav rose his brow at me.
“Am I?” he asked back.
“Yes.” I admitted.
“In my defense you’re not a natural blonde.” He replied, his eyes losing the darkness in them slowly.
“You’re awful!” I laughed.