she used to love me a lot

I kissed Lila on top of her head as I kept my eyes on the movie we were watching, both of us too lazy and a bit hangover too to move from my couch. It was Saturday after all, the weather was bad, I was tired from a busy week at work...in all honesty I couldn't ask for more than this. It was a miracle though, not only she wasn't being her usual super active self, but she had even slept in. I was afraid to say it out loud, but things between us were going damn good. "Next time, I'm going to pick what we watch." I said quietly.
She let out a quiet groan, tilting her head back to look at me, "It's not like I'm forcing you to watch Frozen." She retorted but there was a teasing grin playing on her face.
"Maybe that would've been better, I could've fallen asleep." I grinned back at her and when she rolled her eyes I pressed a kiss on her lips.

"Shut up and let me watch my movie." She muttered, cuddling in my hold.
I held her tight into my arms, inhaling her sweet scent as my thoughts distracted me from Christian Bale playing Batman. I was past the point to be used to this, even thought I knew there were still thighs missing in our relationship, steps to take, and now I felt like we finally had all the time for everything. My first thing on my list was to take her away somewhere for a few days, I had promised that to her already but, in this case, time wasn't on our side. On mine more like it.
"What are you thinking about?" Lila broke the silence as she turned her head to kiss under my chin. I parted my lips then we heard a knock on my door. "Are you waiting someone?" She asked with a brow raised.
I shook my head, then shrugged, "Nope. Maybe it's Jax...I have no idea." I said honestly and returned the kiss, placing it on her lips instead. "Please." I smirked, not needing to say what I wanted.
She rolled her eyes but smirked back at me as she got up, "You're too lazy." She sighed but she couldn't hide some teasing note to her voice. I spanked her, making her jump and laugh. "Ouch."
I kept my eyes on her until she disappeared from the living room, pausing the movie as I paid attention to the sounds coming from the hall. The door opening. Silence. More silence. I got in a sitting position and then a voice I knew too well broke the silence. "I...where's Travis?" Karlie asked. F.uck.
I rushed to the door, looking at a scene that could only come from my nightmares. Lila facing Karlie, my present and future versus my past. I was terrified about how that could go down. "What are you doing here Karlie?" I said slowly as I gave a hard look to my ex and I didn't need her to answer really. I knew it from the look on her face.
"I...I tried to call you but you didn't answer and I really really need to talk to you." She breathed out, staring at me with a paleness to her face...good god.
I set a hand on the small of Lila's back, feeling her lean into my touch, "I was busy. I am busy. " I explained.
She blinked at me before looking at my girlfriend. "Right. I'm Karlie." She breathed out, even offering her hand to Lila. She was a smart woman and knew better than act bad with my girl.
"Lila." She said back quietly while I tortured myself wondering what she was thinking. I didn't want to upset anyone.
"Trav, it happened again." Karlie's voice busted out and next thing I knew my ex was pressed against me, her face buried against my chest as she started sobbing. Good lord.
I kept my eyes on Lil as she closed the door and I mouthed her a sorry. I was really. But if she wanted to be in my life she had to accept this part of it too. "Calm down now, I'm here." I breathed out, feeling exhausted all over again.
“I need to talk to you.” Karlie pulled me closer, tightening her hands against my tee shirt as she nuzzled into me but I was super tense, too worried about how Lila could react to this. Her eyes were telling me nothing, and that wasn't a good sign. On the other hand, I had a broken Karlie in my arms too and I had to take care of her as well.
“We can talk.” I said in a soft and reassuring tone that I used everytime I found myself in this damned situation as I ran my hand down her hair.
“I…” Karlie started and didn’t look at Lil but the way she was looking at me made it clear that she wouldn't talk unless she was here. I understood that and it made sense, at the same time I didn't want Lila away, I didn't want to plant more insecurities into her head, mostly when we had just gotten over old ones.
“Lil could you give us a minute?” I asked, my eyes begging her, to understand and say yes.
She swallowed and nodded. “Sure I’ll just go back to my place.” She said and I felt Karlie relax, while I tensed further.
“Don’t be silly baby, we’ll only be a minute.” I said, pulling away from my ex to cup Lil's face and kiss her softly to make a point.
“Okay. I’ll go sketch in your bedroom.” Lila said eventually.
I let out the breath I had been holding, just a little, and watched her walk up the stairs, knowing that Karlie was doing the same too. When she disappeared, I turned to my ex and led her to the couch where we sat, my mind having a hard time focusing. It was as if I didn't want to. "Karlie, we can't keep doing this." I said slowly, the tone of my voice quiet and reasoning while I did my best to make her reason herself.
She swallowed, leaning her head against the back of the sofa as she kept her eyes on me, "Because now you have her?" She breathed out.
"No, because it's killing you." I retorted, reaching for her cheek and pushing her hair back, "I'm exhausted and I'm starting to think I'm only making things worse."
She frowned, leaning into my touch, "Why? What do you mean?" She asked hurriedly.
"I mean I run to you everytime you have an episode, or I let you run to me as if that's okay-" I started explaining as I thought about what Lila had told me too.
"No!" She cut me off and reached for my hand, squeezing it as she looked at me with big terrified eyes, "No Trav, please. I can't make it if I don't know that you're here for me."
"I wonder how healthy that is." I retorted flatly, but kept her hand in mine because at the end of the day I only wanted her to stop feeling so much pain and remorse, just like I wanted that to myself too.
She bit down on her lip, giving me a look that was the admission she'd never give me with her words. She was a smart woman, only she couldn't control herself when she got in the confused state she was now. "I need to know you're here for me." She insisted.
"What does your therapist say about that?" I asked instead, trying to prove my point even though I already know it was useless. She refused to answer, instead she kept her lips pursed and her eyes bored into mine. I let out a deep breath, "I'm going to be here for you always. But I need you to try to stop obsessing, for real."
"I'm trying." She retorted weakly as she broke eye contact, looking down at our hands while her fingers played with mine.
"Try harder." I said back seriously.
She lifted her head again, again killing me with all that sadness into her look. What had I done to her. "You don't ever think about it?" She asked.
"Of course I do." I answered and it was as if she had punched me in the stomach. This wasn't easy on me either. "But we need to break this vicious circle and move on." I added.
She let a full minute of silence pass, which was always her way to admit she knew I was right but she wouldn't talk about it or admit it directly. "Can I stay here a little more, I don't want to be alone." She said instead.
"I'm not keeping my girlfriend locked in my room all day just to humor you, if that's what you have in mind." I pointed out, understanding that I needed to start placing boundaries. She just looked at me. "Get used to this if you want to be part of my life still." I added seriously before getting up, heading straight to my bedroom where Lila was lying on my bed, her eyes lost into nothing. "Baby, you're not sketching." I said quietly and sat next to her, dropping my hand on her side.
She just shrugged, giving me the feeling she was closing off and I knew that it was the worst thing it could happen. When Lila did that, I went crazy. "Did she go away?" She asked instead.
I caressed her cheek as I shook my head, "No. I don't think she can really." I said softly and bent over her to kiss her lips firmly yet softly, "But I let her know that you're going to be here too. And not hiding in my bedroom." I paused to take a moment to notice how young she looked right now. Young and super beautiful. "Is that okay for you? Look, I know it's weird and it's hard for you too...but I can't just send her away, just like I don't want you to go away either."
“Baby I can understand that you feel responsible for her, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be too.”
“I’m not asking you to be.” I said quietly. Actually, I wanted the opposite.
Lila cupped my face and kissed me, pressing her body against mine as she tangled her fingers in my hair, “Okay.” She nodded. “But you have to understand that I don’t think it’s healthy.”
My eyes went cloudy because I didn't like how she said that. Maybe she was even right, but it didn't help me in any way. “I won’t ask her to leave just like I won’t ask you to hide away all day while she needs to be with someone.” I said in an even tone.
“Are you sure you don’t just want me to leave? I could get some painting done.”
I looked at her. “You would want me to be alone with her instead of with you?” I asked, wondering why she still wanted to leave, after what I had told her.
“I trust you completely Travis and of course I’d rather spend today with you.”
“Then come downstairs. You were going to meet sometime, even when she’s not being my problem she’s going to be my friend.”
She sighed. “I wish this was easier for me.” She admitted.
“What are you thinking?”
She shook her head. “I know I’m crazy to still be jealous but I feel like the odds are unfair. I’ve never had a connection with someone like the one I have with you and the woman who used to share that connection with you is downstairs, still needing you.”
I reached down to cup her face. “Understand this Lila. What I have with you I have never had with anyone else because you are unique. We are different than Karlie and I. Even before she got pregnant I knew things were over between us and that means that what we had wasn’t strong enough. What I have with you? It’s stronger.”
Her body relaxed at my firm conviction to what I was saying. “I don’t know how to be around her. What would she think if she knew I knew about what she’s going through? I don’t know how fragile she is, how to talk to her….what to say. I feel lost and I’m usually so good with people.”
I nodded as I listened to her, her words made sense and I knew how hard it could be, not just for her but for anyone. But the fact that she was thinking about how to deal with my ex? It meant she would eventually. "Just be you. Act as if you know nothing, like you'd act with anyone else." I tried even though I wasn't sure myself. I wasn't that good with people.
"But she's not anyone else." She pointed out.
I let out a sigh, hiding my face in her hair and holding her close to me. I had been thinking about the moment when they would have met, but I had never imagined it would've been like this. It was so damn difficult. "It's going to be fine." I muttered and kissed her neck before pulling my head back to look into her eyes, "It has to be. Trust me Lil, she's not going to say anything about how she feels once you're going to be in the same room with me."
"Why would she even want to stay in the same room with me." She questioned, even though it was more as if she was pointing out a fact, thinking out loud too. "I wonder if she still wants you."
"She doesn't, not like that. And she knows I don't either, just like she knows that the only way she can get to spend some time with me right now is if you're here too." I explained, "That's why. I'm not giving her any other choice."
"Oh yeah that's what you usually do." She sighed.
I grinned a little and kissed her one more time before getting up, "I'm waiting for you downstairs. Take your time baby." I told her before going back to where I had come from.
"She's staying in your room?" Karlie asked as soon as she saw me, a hint of hope in her tone.
"No." I answered firmly and gave her a look she knew well. This was already as difficult as it was, she didn't need to make it worse. I was trying to act cool, as if I had everything under control and I knew everything. Truth was, I wanted to punch a wall for how nervous I was.
She nodded slowly, "Can you make me a tea?" She asked instead, dropping the subject like I knew she would and getting up to follow me into the kitchen.
"Sure." I answered quietly, reaching for the kettle and giving her my back.
"Make one for me too please?" Lila's voice caught me off guard and I turned my face to her to give her an encouraging smile. A thankful one too.
"Yes baby." I nodded then hurried, impatient to go back to them since I didn't trust leaving them alone in the same toom. I came back into the room with two hot cups of tea, studying the girls. “What are you talking about?” I asked warily, sipping my own drink which was coffee instead.
“Lila was telling me how you met.” Karlie said simply as she looked at me.
“At the game.” I grinned and Lil nodded.
“Exactly.”
“You worked together too.” Katlie pointed out.
I nodded again, “Not anymore. She paints for a living now. She painted that picture.” I pointed over to where the painting Lila’d made me for Christmas of my family was hanging.
Karlie stood up to look at it, smiling softly. “You’re very talented.” She commented.
“Thank you.” Lil offered.
"You're welcome." My ex said simply with an unreadable expression on her face but I knew her better than that. She was just studying Lila. "So where else could I see your art? Except for Trav's house, of course."
I noticed Lila tensing so I answered for her. "Plenty of galleries. I just came back from New York and got one of her paintings from a gallery there." I said as I winked at my girlfriend, trying to make the moment lighter and at the same time letting her know how proud I was of her and what she did.
"Uh I bet you're her biggest fan." Karlie pointed out, sipping her tea and shooting me a look.
"I don't want to sound cocky but he's not the only one who appreciates my art." My girl retorted nonchalantly, scoring a point. She was getting defensive and I understood that, it was okay as as neither of them started filing their claws.
I shook my head, "You're not cocky, just confident." I grinned at Lil and that wasn't even entirely true, not when it came to her paintings. Sometimes she was insecure or hated what she did, while I found beauty in everything she made.
Karlie swallowed, looking at me, "You're the cocky one instead." She interjected.
"So what." I asked flatly and she just shrugged, averting her eyes from me because she knew she had to behave. I didn't need her b.ullshit with Lila present.
My ex's eyes moved to the tv instead, where the movie we were watching was still paused. "What were you watching?" She asked, changing the topic into a more neutral one. Which was good. Or at least I thought it could.
"Batman begins. It's good." Lila answered this time and I could see her effort to have a normal conversation, or as normal as possible. She was trying and I was appreciating it even though I was still afraid a disaster could be just around the corner.
Karlie nodded in agreement. "It is. I love Christian Bale." She said back, "We went to see that together, do you remember Trav?"
I fought the urge to groan, instead I kept my face impassible. "I do. It was like ten years ago." I pointed out, so much time had passed and so many things had changed. Now my life was different, I was different. I grabbed Lila's hand and started playing with her fingers, not wanting to rub my relationship in Karlies face but also wanting her to understand how things were now. Who I was with. Maybe she meant no harm, but with her I never knew, it wasn't that she was bad, and she already knew Lila was different, still my ex was a little crazy.
“Wow is this movie that old?” Lila smiled at me.
“You were probably what…8 when it came out?” Karlie pointed out, taking me by surprise. But just for a second because I knew what she could be capable of.
Lila widened her eyes at her. “Excuse me?”
“I’m just saying.” She shrugged.
“Karlie.” I told her and even if it was just her name? It was enough.
“You’re just saying what? That I’m younger than you?” Lil asked.
“Well you are.”
“Excellent observation.” Lil nodded while I counted to one million in order not to ger mad. “What does that matter?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know you.” Karlie shrugged, faking nonchalance.
“Do you want to?” Lila asked bluntly, this time being the one surprising me. No matter the answer, that wasn't going to happen anyway, because I didn't want it. My licked her lips but didn’t really answer. “Your silence speaks volumes.” Lil said with a resigned voice. She grabbed her mug and stepped away from the couch. “I’m going to get more tea.”
I waited for Lila to get out of the room, part of me wanting to follow her, the other part knowing I had to make things clear with my ex first. I stared at her, my face hard, "What are you trying to do Karlie?" I asked slowly, my voice dead serious.
She just shrugged, as if she had done nothing, "I don't know what you're talking about." She had the nerve to answer.
I slammed my hand on the table, making her jump. She was still able to get the worst out of me, unbelievable. "The hell you don't."
"I was just saying that she's young and she is, so I don't see what's the problem." She said back, playing with her hair which was a sign I knew really well.
I leaned back but kept my eyes on her. "That's bulls.hit. And if it was just that? I'd expect you to act your age instead of being a b.itch to someone who's younger than you."
"But-" She tried to retort.
I cut her off, "Listen carefully Karlie. You know I'm here for you pretty much always and I have no intention to stop." I paused as I bored my eyes into hers, collecting my thoughts, keeping my feelings in check too. I felt like I could explode any minute now, with an intense rage that would do no good to anyone. "But if you even try another time to make Lila uncomfortable, for any reason, I'll cut you out of my life and I don't care how loud you'll cry or beg, do anything to f.uck with Lila and I promise I'll make you regret it."
At my words she defleated, her mask slipped down her face, leaving her vulnerable and fragile again. She knew I meant it. "Okay." She breathed out in a whisper.
"I'd appreciate it if for once you made my life easier instead of harder." I added and I got up, ready to go get my girl in the other room.
"Trav." She stopped me and I turned to her with a brow raised, "Don't cut me out. I...I'll be better."
"Just have some respect Kar." I told her before walking straight to Lil, who was leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping her tea and with her hair pulled up in a messy bun. That's how she called it. "Baby, I'm sorry." I started, reaching for her and pulling her against me.
"I know Trav...it's not your fault." She paused as she set her empty cup on the counter. "I don't know how to do this."
"I don't know that either." I said honestly, holding her against me. "I won't make it happen again, I promise."
Lila nodded, “Can you get me some Tylenol? I have a headache.” She asked and I kissed her forehead before nodding.
“Of course.” I ran up the stairs and straight into my room, getting a headache myself since this situation was just too much to handle. Was it too much to ask for a quiet peaceful Saturday at home with my girlfriend? Apparently, it was. My phone chose that moment to ring too and I reached for it, reading my brother's name on the screen. "Hey what's up." I said while I looked around for the fucking meds that were nowhere to be found.
"Are you busy tonight?" He asked from the other side of the phone, "Grab a beer with me?"
I let out a loud sigh, running my hand through my hair as my eyes scanned my room carefully. "I can't." I said cryptically.
"Lila?" He asked back.
"And Karlie. They're both here and I'm losing my fucking mind." I groaned as I stepped into the bathroom, opening the cabinet and finally finding the damn Tylenol.
"Fuck." Came his response, "Do you need any help? I can come and kidnap either of them."
I sighed again, "This was going to happen anyway, sooner or later. I'll call you later." I told him before cutting the call and heading back downstairs, where Karlie and Lila were, apparently, talking. My eyes bounced between them as I handed Lila her meds. It looked like my ex was about to cry and my girlfriend was exhausted instead. "Are you okay?"
"Yes." They answered in unison. Awkward.
"I'm going away." Karlie breathed out and got up, looking pale as a ghost. I was lost, I swear. "I don't feel welcome anymore." She added before walking out of the room.
I shot Lila a questioning look and I followed her to the door, "Kar, you don't have to go. You know you can stay." I said quietly, feeling vaguely anxious because I knew the look on her face. She wasn't okay and I was afraid of what she could do.
"Not if Lila is here." She shook her head, "She...I...just no."
"But this is my house, not hers, I get to decide who I want here." I pointed out slowly.
"You told her about the baby." She said bluntly, choking on her words, "You shouldn't have told her."
"It's part of my past too, remember that Karlie." I said back slowly and felt awful because I knew that now she'd go home and swallow a handful of pills before crying herself to sleep. She just shrugged and I hugged her, "You'll be fine. Call me if you need something, okay?" I added.
She pulled back, nodding, "I'll call you later." She paused a moment, opening the door, "I can see what you see in Lila. But she needs to respect me if you want me to respect her." She added, leaving me speechless.
I watched her go away, then went back to the livingroom, wondering what the f.uck Lila had told her and why in god's name she had to bring up my painful past with the person who suffered the most for it. "What did you tell her?" I asked bluntly, feeling both nervous and worried.
“The truth.” Lila said seriously.
“Which was?”
“She needed to know I wasn’t just your favorite toy this week. I let her know that.”
“But how did you say it?” I wasn’t looking accusing, more curious. Frightened a little too because I knew how blunt she could be.
“I told her that we’re completely honest with each other and if she wants to continue being in your life we need to find a way to be in the same room. I told her it would be easier if we were friends. Honestly I held back quite a bit, I don’t know why she left like that.”
“She said you needed to respect her before she respects you.”
She sighed. “I don’t necessarily care if she respects me to be honest but she’s right about one thing, I don’t respect her. Respect is earned. I have empathy for her. I feel for her, and I’m sorry that she’s hurting. But respect? She has a lot of work to do before she gets that from me.”
“You don’t know how she is, bringing that up just makes it worse.”
“She opened the door to opening it up when she came in here crying about it.” She pointed out, keeping her voice even and I liked how we were trying our best not to fight over this. “Travis I didn’t mention anything other than the fact that we’re honest with each other. I told her I was sorry she was having a hard time but not to take it out on me because that’s not going to help. She seems like a lost girl, not a bad one. There was a reason she caught your eye, a reason that you fell for her once and still feel for her now. I do respect that, and I’ll try harder than anything to see her through your eyes.”
“Lila.” My voice caught on my throat and I found myself speechless.
“Except without the guilt. Because none of this is your fucking fault.” She added, still more than annoyed about that side of the story.
I shook my head, because I knew she was trying to understand and she was doing a great job but there were parts they'd never understand. Because she was young, because she hadn't been part of my past life, because she wasn't in my head. "I don't want to thank about it anymore." I said and took a deep breath as I slumped on the couch, feeling exhausted and as if I had just gained 10 years.
She sat next to me, dropping her hand on my arm, "Trav, don't do this." She said softly.
I turned my head to her, looking into her eyes, "What baby?"
"Don't close yourself and let me out." She squeezed my arm.
"I'm just so tired Lil, I've been dealing with this s.hit for years." I explained as I leaned my head back against the cushion of the couch.
"Maybe it's time to deal with it differently." She said carefully.
I swallowed and shook my head again, "I don't know how."
She cuddled closer to me, "You have me now."
"I really don't want to add you in the mix. We tried today and it didn't go well...I really appreciate the way you were with her, how you tried, and I know there will be times when we'll be with my friends and she'll be there but that's all. I don't want you to to become friends, I don't want you to see her or talk to her." I said seriously, meaning every word. Karlie was already driving me crazy, I didn't want her to have any effect on Lila.
"I think that's just avoiding the problem." She pointed out slowly.
"See? That's the thing. I don't want to have any problem with you." I retorted, too stubborn to change my mind. "And the fact that you told her you know about the abortion? God Lil, that will keep her obsessed for weeks." She gave me a weird look and I grabbed her hand, "Look, I'm not saying you did the wrong thing. I'm just trying to make you understand how tricky and dangerous can be to be around my ex...I know she can be good, but with you around I'm scared she'll only show her worst from now on and I just want to protect you baby."
“If she’s tricky and dangerous than why do you let her be a part of your life?” Lila asked seriously.
“You already know why.” I said quietly.
She climbed into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and shaking her head, as stubborn as usual. “I think I’m just confused because I’ve never seen you let anyone push you around or guilt trip you or make you feel inferior and she seems so pathetic to me I don’t know why she’s the exception.”
“Lila.” I narrowed my eyes at her and she sighed.
“Not pathetic like a bad person. I’m sure she’s innately good. But the way she’s acting.”
I ran my hands up her thighs and rested at her waist before leaning my head down against her chest. “I don’t know Lil.” I admitted, being as open and honest as I could.
I held her closer and she tangled her hands through my hair to lift my head up so she could look into my eyes. “That’s a fair answer.” She leaned down and kissed me softly until I gripped her body with my hands and deepened the kiss, telling her words in the way we did best. Without them. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do when it comes to her. I just don’t want to be blindsided again.” She admitted and she was right, I wouldn't let that happen. “I want to know if and when she’ll be around and when and if you’ll be with her.” I opened my mouth but she kept talking. “Not because I don’t trust you. But if you even admit she’s manipulative and dangerous than I want to know when you’re putting yourself in that situation.”
“I think that’s fair Lila, but she’s unpredictable.”
She sighed. “I do feel for her.” She said seriously.
“I believe you.”
“Am I the first blonde you’ve ever liked?” She smirked, switching the subject to something way less heavy.
I rose my brow at her. “Am I?” I asked back, knowing I wasn't her type.
“Yes.” She admitted.
“In my defense you’re not a natural blonde.” I replied, starting to relax again.
She laughed. “You’re awful!”