the first cut is the deepest

"Lil..." I whispered into Lila's ear, amazed by how she never heard the alarm wenting off.
Her eyes fluttered open as I pressed soft kisses against her shoulders. "Mmm." She moaned and leaned into me, letting me hold her against my body.
"I have to go to work." I whispered against her skin as I kept kissing her over and over.
"Okay." She nodded, looking as if she was still sleeping...almost. Because she kept arching into my body.
"You're being bad..." My voice went a little rough and she turned in my arms to look into my eyes.
"I was sleeping. Is that bad?" She asked, leaning in to kiss me quickly but I cupped her jaw and deepened the kiss, long and slow until she was melting against me, aching, wanting.
"You're soft and warm and sleepy and naked and no sane man would walk away from you like this." I admitted, only saying the truth.

"I apologize." She whispered back, "But I can't help it." She added, nuzzling into me.
I held her close, enjoying the few minutes left to us, loving to spend time in bed with her and at the same time feeling weird how much I loved it actually. Lately my head was a mess, I was restless, confused, angry, and all for no reason. I gave the blame to work and it wasn't like Lila made everything harder, but having a girlfriend wasn't like being alone. "You don't need to apologize." I said softly as I bent my head, dipping my nose into her hair to breathe in her sweet scent. When she didn't say a word and just hid her face further in the crook of my neck, I added, "You're cuddly today."
"Mhm-mhm." She just nodded, a low sexy sound leaving her throat and making me want to groan as she kept herself glued against me, not really moving but I could feel the energy flowing between our bodies.
I leaned my head back against the pillow, tucking her hair behind her ear and glancing at the clock on the bedside table, "Are you falling asleep on me? Again?" I asked, a hint of amusement in my tone because it happened everytime we slept together. She just couldn't stay without being all over me.
"Can you blame me? You're so comfortable." She purred as she finally pulled her head back, leaning her chin on my chest and looking at me with those sleepy eyes.
I kept playing with her hair, staring at her, "You're going to get me fired. I can't be late again." I said in a low voice, still groggy from the night.
"Being 5 minutes early instead of an hour isn't being late Trav." Lila teased me, making me chuckle.
"Still, I'm known for my work ethic." I retorted.
"Mmm, if they knew about your stamina you'd be famous for something else." She grinned and swung her leg over my torso to straddle me, pulling me up so we were chest to chest.
"You don't want that, you'd never see me if they knew how awesome I really was." I winked.
She laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "I dreamed of you...." She whispered, kissing up my neck softly.
"Dirty dreams I'm guessing." My hands cupped her ass fully, holding her against me.
"I brought you lunch to your office and instead you stripped me naked and ate me while I sat on your desk before bending me over it and fucking me hard."
I groaned and spanked her hard, only wishing that dream could become reality. "I said I had to go to work and you tease me like this? I think maybe you're a devil instead of an angel."
"I certainly feel more like a devil around you." She admitted with a grin, leaning in to kiss me. "But I'll be an angel instead and go back to sleep while you work." She replied, getting up to walk to the bathroom. Ugh her ass was enough for me to get hard, too bad I didn't have time for that.
"Hey! I need to shower first and don't even think about getting in with me." I narrowed my eyes and she pouted.
"Fine." She shrugged, and slipped on one of my tee shirts before grabbing her sketch book and sitting on the bed with it, noticing I was still watching her. Even now, half dressed and being apparently innocent, she was as tempting as ever. "I'll be a good girl I promise." She said softly and I growled, debating if taking the time to fuck her would make me later than I was okay with. Who was I fooling? Not even the whole day would be enough. She smirked at her sketch book when she heard her phone go off and reached to the side table for it. "Hello?" She said and blinked, as if she had no idea about who she was talking to. She pulled it away from her ear to see. "Can I ask who's calling?" She said without thinking and I looked back at her, probably realizing that she had my phone.
She blinked again, looking even more taken aback. "That would be his girlfriend." She said seriously right before I grabbed the phone from her as soon as I did the math. Who called me at 5 in the morning if it wasn't Lila? It had to be Karlie.
"What do you want?" I spat into it.
"Hey!" She called out.
I gave her a hard look and brought my finger to my lips, silencing her because I couln't handle the two of them at the same time. "So you're with this girl for real now?" I heard my ex say, her tone already whiny and annoying. What was new.
"I'm giving you five second to tell me what you want." I said back darkly, my eyes on Lila who was wearing an unreadable expression. But she was watching me closely.
Karlie took a deep breath, "I had that dream again." She breathed out, her voice shaky and I felt as if someone punched me in the stomach. No matter how many times we had been through that over the years, I always hoped that it would be the last time and it never was instead.
I deflated and ran my hand through my hair, pacing the room, "It was only a dream Karlie, go back to sleep...come on." I said more quietly, as patiently as I could.
"I can't. Come over please...please Trav, I need to see you." She begged, just like she always did.
I swallowed, turning my back to Lila as I stared out the window, wondering if there was a worse way to start the day and also thinking about how different were the dreams I had been part of during the night. "I can't, you know I can't. I have to go to work." I said weakly, telling the truth which was also convenient because I knew I couldn't keep going to her whenever she had this episodes, it didn't do any good to her and we'd be stuck in this awful limbo forever.
"I'm going crazy Trav, just five minutes, please..." She went on, as if stabbing me in the middle of the chest over and over again. I couldn't help it, even after years, I felt guilt.
"I'll see what I can do okay? Just calm down and I'll call you later." I breathed out, feeling also exhausted and drained, "Karlie. Answer to me."
"Okay. I'll try...but please, don't leave me alone in this again." She whispered before.
"I have to go. I'll talk to you later." I said in a final tone before hanging up and turning around again, my eyes going to Lila again. She was sitting on the bed and looking like a ghost. "Are you okay?" I asked her carefully.
"It was your ex, right?" She asked, crossing her arms against her chest.
I nodded as I gave her a long look, "You know that already Lil." I answered quietly, standing still because I wasn't sure of what mood she was into now and I didn't want to risk doing the wrong move. Also I didn't want any more drama.
"Why is she calling so early in the morning? Is she sick?" She went on with the questions.
"She..." I trailed off, not knowing how to explain that because well, I didn't want to explain it. I didn't want to talk about it. "She doesn't feel well." I said eventually and that was true. What Lila didn't know was that Karlie was like that because of me, she had taken a route I never wanted Lila to take, I didn't want her to change for me ever...I didn't want to ruin her. That was my biggest fear.
"And that constitutes calling up her ex-boyfriend at five in the morning?" Lila asked, more like shei spat.
"It's complicated." I said softly, using a much more relaxed tone than I ever had when talking about Karlie. I didn't want to start fighting, I just wanted Lila to forget about it.
"Everything is with her." She said darkly, going back to her sketch book.
"You're right." I nodded, before turning to head to the bathroom and thinking that maybe we could still save the morning. I was wrong.
"Are you going to go to her?" She asked.
"Lila." My voice got the familiar edge to it because I could tell she was going to get me through hell. I could tell by the way she was talking to me.
She set her book down and stared at me. "I hate it. I actually hate that she does this. I might even hate her which is ridiculous becacuse I don't even know her."
"Please. Don't start with this again." I said in a tone of forced calm.
"This is ruining us Travis!!!!" She said, exploding. "Your past isnt' your past when she calls at all hours of the day, when you go to her instead of being with me."
"That's not what happens." I pointed out because not even once I had left her to go to my ex. Not once.
"So then what does happen Travis?!"' She asked desperately, letting it all out.
I took a few steps forward until my legs were touching the edge of the bed. "This doesn't concern you Lila." I said, a note of clear finality in my voice. "What do you think is happening!? Do you think I'm fucking her?!"
"Are you!?" She yelled back, while I slowly started to get mad. Not so slowly after all.
"NO." I glared. "And if you think that then you can't trust me."
"Trust you with what!? You don't tell me a damn thing about her when I'm a fucking open book to you!!!"
"Trust that I'm not cheating on you damn it!" I snapped, surprised that she could have such a low opinion of me.
"Why?! Because you're in love with me?!" She was standing on the bed now, looking crazy. "Oh wait, you're not. But the girl that did deserve your love is so fucking important to you still!!!"
"You're out of control Lila. I don't have time for this." I shook my head, wanting to ignore her because I could say things I'd regret later.
"Me or her?" She asked, folding her arms over her chest.
"What?!" I snapped.
"If you had to make a choice who would it be? Me? Or her."
I ran my hands through my hair, feeling like punching something or screaming. Unfortunately I couldn't do either, all I could do was believe to my ears even if I didn't want to. "What the fuck are you talking about Lila? Are you going f.ucking crazy?!" I asked her even though it wasn't really a question.
"I think I'm being clear Travis." She said back.
"There's no choice to make." I answered firmly, doing my best to keep calm but I knew I was going to fail. I was just too tired of drama, so over my past haunting my present, I just wanted to be left alone.
She shook her head, "I'm asking you instead!!!" She yelled and I lost it.
"She's not even an option Lila? Is it too hard for you to get? There's you and you only!" I started, knowing I was going to regret this but I was also tired of holding back, of walking on eggshells because she was insecure with no damn reason at all. "You're my girlfriend!"
"And you're still not answering me!!" She shouted in my face, looking nothing like the Lila I had decided to stay with.
"Because you shouldn't even making this goddamn question! It's you Lila! What is happening to you?!" I said back, all my good purproses flying out of the window and I didn't even care anymore. To ne completely honest I'd go out of the window too, take a flight and go somewhere with a beach and do nothing there all day.
She ignored me, shaking her head again like a crazy woman, "But you're going anyway, aren't you?" She went on, so fucking stuck on that it was driving me nuts.
"Did I ever gave you a reason not to trust me? Tell me, did I ever do something that could make you think I have any reason to cheat on you? Tell me what the fuck I'm doing wrong." I said back, loud and clear, my blood boiling and I was afraid my veins would just explode at some point.
She hit my chest, making me blink, and I could tell she was doing that because she was frustrated, not because she really wanted to hit me. Still, it surprised me and I automatically grabbed her wrist. "You don't trust me instead. You can't even tell me what's going on with her, you're always so closed off and never tell me anything about our past, I have all the reasons to worry!"
"I can't tell you Lila, I don't want to!" I shouted at her, so fucking mad because she kept bring that up. "And the more you push it, the less I'll be willing to tell you."
She wriggled in my hold, trying to free her wrist, "Are you threatening me?" She glared at me.
I let her go, took a few steps back and decided to end this argument. "I'm just telling you how things are." I said coldly and started for the bathroom once again, hoping she was wise enough to drop it, get a grip and go back to her usual self.
"Travis." Lila said after a few seconds that felt like eternity.
I stopped, because her voice had gone soft where as before she had been screaming. "Please. Leave it alone." I said quietly, noticing how her cheeks were damp and her eyes puffed.
She shook her head. "I can't. I wish I could. God I wish I could." She started but she didn't even sound like herself. She didn't know what she was talking about, she wasn't thinking straight.
"You can." I said stubbornly, because I knew she could.
"I'm sorry Trav. I can't do this anymore. And maybe it's because of her, and maybe it's just that I'm not good enough but if you loved me? You'd want to share everything. Be everything the way I'd give you all of me always."
"What are you saying?" I said softly, my hard shell coming down and my eyes wide as I did the math. It sounded a lot like she wanted to break up with me. Or maybe she just needed a break.
"I think." She swallowed, looking terrified as she stood motionless in front of me. "I think we're done." She said finally, stepping off the bed and finding her jeans on the floor where I'd thrown them after stripping them off her before we'd gotten lost into each other all night.
"What?! What are you talking about?" I Asked, beyond confused.
She buttoned the jeans and pulled my shirt over her head to hand to me before finding her own. "Travis I bought a house. Didn't you think that was at all strange? If we were in a real relationship I would have just moved in here, but I knew that was never happening."
".....you want to move in with me?" I asked and felt as if she had just kicked me in the face all of a sudden. What the hell.
"No. But I did want a future. And subconsiously? I knew we didn't have one." She said and started crying, the tears falling freely now as she tilted her head up to kiss my cheek. "I do love you. I wish you could even understand how much I did. I really hope you find happiness in your life because you deserve it....even if it isn't with me." Her voice broke as she spoke.
I grabbed her by her wrists as soon as she tried to step back, my mind slowly and painfull processing her words and trying to give a sense to all of this. "You- you're leaving me Lil?" I managed to breathe out, still not able to realize that this was happening.
She swallowed and nodded, looking at me in a way that did something to me. It was really painful, that kind of pain that ripped you apart, the kind of pain I had tried to avoid so much. "I can't stay with you anymore, not like this." She whispered.
And at that, something else happened, something clicked. "The hell you can't. You just don't want to." I said furiously, the pain stirring in my chest and turning into anger, it being the only way to preserve myself.
She seemed taken aback, blinking her glossy eyes at me, "I wish I could-" She started softly but I cut her off.
"You were only waiting for the right time to leave me instead. You really have the guts to stay here, look in my face, and say that we never got a chance to stay together because of me?" I asked between my clenched teeth, not caring amymore if she was seeing the worst part of me. She'd be gone soon. "It was always you instead, always too scared that I'd leave you or that I'd get bored while you were only waiting for the inevitable to happen. You were only waiting for me to leave you and never believed in us." I roared as I bored my eyes into hers before letting go of her wrists and turning away from her, not able to even look at her. Now everything made sense. This was why she had been so off and upset lately, she was waiting for us to break up.
"I love you Travis! I love you with all myself!" She retorted, screaming again but she sounded desperate now. She was crying loud more than screaming.
"And just because of that you're better than me? Just because you told me that you love me and I can't right now you feel the right to let everything go to hell?" I spat back, turning to her once again, once again my voice louder than it should have been. "Just because I didn't ask you to move in then you think we never had a chance to have a future? Grow up Lila, a real relationship isn't a nice house and your boyfriend whispering love words into your ear."
She kept crying, but her expression was different once again. She looked horrified and I knew that she wouldn't be able to see me in same way again. But it didn't matter anymore, did it? "You can't be serious Travis."
"The hell I am." I spat harshly, "I might have made my mistakes Lila, but you...you've always been too young for me. You're a kid, I'm a man, and we were expecting different things from this relationship." I added and shook my head, slumping on the edge of my bed and running my hands thought my hair as I lowered my gaze. I didn't want to see her anymore. I had been an idiot, thinking that being with someone again could be good.
"Maybe I am too young Trav." Lila shrugged. "But a man? Wouldn't still be living in the past. Wouldn't be afraid to feel. That's the kind of man I want."
"Good." I said back randomly because I wsn't going to point out that I didn't live in the past, but I had to deal with its consequences instead.
"I'm not blaming you." She added and for one second only, I hated her a little. Then in all went away.
"No? Then why are you leaving?" I looked at her finally, daring her to serve me her bullshit once again.
"You know why." She whispered, not helping her case at all but only making everything worse. "I'm sorry I fell too hard too fast, but I couldn't help it."
"If you're going to leave then leave." I said simply. I didn't want to hear her voice anymore.
She swallowed. "I hope she knows how lucky she is." She said under her breath, probably picking the only one thing that would piss me off even more.
Karlie was definitely not lucky, actually it was the opposite, and it was ridiculous how in Lila's head that seemed like a romantic thing instead, as if the bond I had with my ex would inevitabily bring me back to her...if only she knew. But she should have trusted me enough to know that would never happen, she didn't instead. "Get out." My voice was low and dangerous and she nodded, the tears still freely falling as she picked up her things and walked out the door but she couldn't even make it outside before she crumpled in my living room, sobbing uncontrollably. It was so clear that not only she was hurting me, she was hurting herself too, but that was her decision and I couldn't help her feeling better no matter how I didn't like seeing her like this.
"Lil." I said quietly.
"I'm leaving. I promise." She stood up and collected her things, but she was still shaking.
I set my hands on my hips, wishing I could hold her and tell her that everything was fine, but it wasn't. Nothing was fine and I was still so p.issed off I was tempted to scream at her that this was all because she was too stupid to give me some credit. Would that help though? No. It was better for the both of us to take different ways, this had been a mistake from the first moment I landed my eyes on her. "I'd like to know that you got home safe and sound, I can call Jax and ask him if he can-"
"No." She cut me off and shook her head, wiping the tears running down her cheeks with the back of her hand but it was no use, they just kept flowing. "You don't need to do that, I only live 5 minutes from here."
"I'm aware of that." I pointed back coldly, only hoping we wouldn't run into each other...ever. Why in god's name she had to move so close to me if she knew we'd never work? That had been so f.ucking stupid. "I'm just saying that if you're not feeling good you can stay here until you do or call someone to pick you."
She looked at me for a long moment, then swallowed, struggling not to cry more but it was useless. "Why are you doing this?" She breathed out and looked confused. IF she really knew me, she had to know why.
"I might be an a.sshole and a cheater, but I'm not a liar and all the times I said I cared about you, I meant it." I explained in a final tone, because I didn't want to talk anymore. For real this time. I reached for my clothes, now just wanting to get out of my own house as soon as possible, have a huge coffee and smoke one million cigarettes. I wanted to take my bike and go away, ride until I had forgotten everything, instead I still had to deal with that nut case of my ex and go to work.
"Trav-"
"I don't have anything to say to you anymore. If I'll find something of yours around, I'll give it to Colbie when I'll see her at the game." I cut her off, buttoning my shirt then grabbing my jacket, aware that I'd be looking like shit all day and not caring even a bit.
"Travis!" Was all she said, ignoring what I had said but I didn't care.
I finally turned to look at her and she ran her hand through her hair. "WHAT!?"
She walked up and set her hands on my chest, something that always softened me, now though? It just made me sad.
"I know you're not a cheater. And I know that you've always cared about me. And I'm really sorry that I can't make it work."
I shut my eyes and she leaned in slightly, setting her forehead against my chest. I didn't hold her back, but I didn't move away either. Her body against me, her sweet scent, her heat...it was all gone, even if it was there. I wasn't exactly sure how long either of us stood there, but eventually she pulled back and walk out the door, leaving me in a silence that was already swallowing me whole.