say something i'm giving up on you

say something i'm giving up on you by ssaarah

"Lil..." I felt my eyes flutter open as I felt soft kisses pressed against my shoulders.
"Mmm." I moaned and leaned into Travis, his scent enveloping me, his warm body hard against mine.

"I have to go to work." He whispered against my skin as he kept kissing me over and over.
"Okay." I nodded, wondering for a moment what time it was, but then who cared when a sex god was holding me, kissing me, smelling so good..sometimes with Travis I thought I was in my fantasies instead of reality. My dream lover come to life.
"You're being bad..." His voice went a little rough and I turned in his arms to look into his stormy eyes.
"I was sleeping. Is that bad?" I asked, leaning in to kiss him quickly but he cupped my jaw and deepened the kiss, long and slow until I was melting against him, aching, wanting. He left me a puddle of desire every time.
"You're soft and warm and sleepy and naked and no sane man would walk away from you like this." He admitted, making my chest swell with the power of his words.
"I apologize." I whispered back, "but I can't help it." I added, nuzzling into him and loving how he felt against me. Travis pulled me closer and I smiled, loving the moments when we were just us and there was nothing else to think about. It didn't happen often but when it did it was perfect.
"You don't need to apologize." he said softly as he bent down and nuzzled against me as I hid my face in his neck, hoping to make the moment last longer. "You're cuddly today."
"Mhm-mhm." I just nodded, feeling the energy between us buzzing like it always did. He leaned his head back and tucked my hair behind my ear softly.
"Are you falling asleep on me? Again?" He smirked and I shrugged.
"Can you blame me? You're so comfortable." I whispered as I finally pulled my head back, leaning my chin on his chest and looking up at him with sleepy eyes. His fingers were still playing with the strands of my hair that had fallen out of the messy bun I had put it up in before I fell asleep.
"You're going to get me fired. I can't be late again." he said in a low sexy voice, still groggy from the night.
"Being 5 minutes early instead of an hour isn't being late Trav." I teased him and he chuckled.
"Still, I'm known for my work ethic."
"Mmm, if they knew about your stamina you'd be famous for something else." I grinned and swung my leg over his torso to straddle him, pulling him up so we were chest to chest.
"You don't want that, you'd never see me if they knew how awesome I really was." He winked and I laughed as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I dreamed of you...." I whispered, kissing up his neck softly.
"Dirty dreams I'm guessing." His big hands cupped my ass fully, holding me against him.
"I brought you lunch to your office and instead you stripped me naked and ate me while I sat on your desk before bending me over it and fu.cking me hard." Travis groaned and spanked me hard.
"I said I had to go to work and you tease me like this? I think maybe you're a devil instead of an angel."
"I certainly feel more like a devil around you." I admitted with a grin, leaning in to kiss him. "But I'll be an angel instead and go back to sleep while you work." I replied, getting up to walk to the bathroom, thinking instead of sleeping I'd take a long shower and then get some painting done. After that dream? I needed a good massaging shower head in place of my man who had to work.
"Hey! I need to shower first and don't even think about getting in with me." He narrowed his eyes and I pouted.
"Fine." I shrugged, and slipped on one of Trav's tee shirts before grabbing my sketch book and sitting on the bed with it, noticing he was still watching me. "I'll be a good girl I promise." I said softly and Travis growled, clearly debating if taking the time to fu.ck me would make him later than he was okay with. Good. I smirked at my sketch book when I heard my phone go off and reached to the side table for it. "Hello?"
"Trav?" I blinked. Apparently that wasn't my phone. I pulled it away from my ear to see it was a number, california based but no name attatched.
"Can I ask who's calling?" I said without thinking and Trav looked back at me, probably realizing that I had his phone.
"Can I ask who's answering his phone at five in the morning?" The girl snapped back. I blinked. Excuse me?
"That would be his girlfriend." I said seriously right before Trav grabbed the phone from me.
"What do you want?" He spat into it.
"Hey!" I called out, though at this point I had guessed who it was. Karlie. Travis shot me a hard look and then put his finger to his lips making me purse my own as I tried to hear her side of the conversation too but she had lowered her voice.
"I'm giving you five second to tell me what you want." he said back darkly, his eyes still on me and though he certainly seemed like he didn't want to talk to her? He also seemed like he couldn't help it. Lila who was wearing an unreadable expression. But she was watching me closely. The woman on the other line said something that made him deflate and pace the room, going to the otherside by the window where I could barely hear him.
"It was only a dream Karlie, go back to sleep...come on." I blinked, wondering what on earth could have happened between them and always thinking the worst. "I can't, you know I can't. I have to go to work." he said, in a tired frustrated voice that made me even more curious and also angry because I knew I'd get no explanation. "I'll see what I can do okay? Just calm down and I'll call you later." he breathed out sotftly. "Karlie. Answer to me." What ever she said seemed to be good enough because he closed his eyes but seemed relieved at the same time. "I have to go. I'll talk to you later." he said in a final tone before looking back at me, knowing what was coming. "Are you okay?"
"It was your ex, right?" I asked, crossing my ams against my chest.
"You know that already Lil." he nodded, standing still and not even moving towards me.
"Why is she calling so early in the morning? Is she sick?" I asked, knowing it had sounded dramatic and as much as I didn't like them together I didn't wish harm upon her either.
"She..." he trailed off and for a moment I thought he'd open up before he spoke. "She doesn't feel well." he said eventually, closing me off again but also looking....guilty. Interesting.
"And that constitutes calling up her ex-boyfriend at five in the morning?" I asked, more like i spat. I was't trying to be petty but come on. That wasn't normal.
"It's complicated." He said softly, using a much more relaxed tone than he ever had when talking about Karlie. That should have made me feel better. It didn't.
"Everything is with her." I said darkly, going back to my sketch book.
"You're right." he nodded, before turning to head to the bathroom.
"Are you going to go to her?" I asked his back.
"Lila." his voice got the familiar edge to it and I set my book down and stared at him.
"I hate it. I actually hate that she does this. I might even hate her which is ridiculous becacuse I don't even know her."
"Please. Don't start with this again."
"This is ruining us Travis!!!!" I said, my emotions boiling over. "Your past isnt' your past when she calls at all hours of the day, when you go to her instead of being with me."
"That's not what happens."
"So then what does happen Travis?!"' I asked desperatley, feeling like I couldn't hold in my words anymore. Travis took a few steps forward until his legs were touching the edge of the bed.
"This doesn't concern you Lila." He said, a note of clear finality in his voice. "What do you think is happening!? Do you think I'm fu.cking her?!"
"Are you!?" I yelled back, even though that wasn't what I thought at all only I was so angry I wanted to accuse him of everything.
"NO." he glared. "And if you think that then you can't trust me."
"Trust you with what!? You don't tell me a damn thing about her when I'm a fuc.king open book to you!!!"
"Trust that I'm not cheating on you damn it!"
"Why?! Because you're in love with me?!" I was standing on the bed now and I hadn't realized I had even gotten up. "Oh wait, you're not. But the girl that did deserve your love is so fuc.king important to you still!!!"
"You're out of control Lila. I don't have time for this."
"Me or her?" I asked, folding my arms over my chest.
"What?!" He snapped.
"If you had to make a choice who would it be? Me? Or her." Travis ran his hands through his hair and for a moment I thought he was going to punch the wall or storm out.
"What the fuck are you talking about Lila? Are you going fucking crazy?!"
"I think I'm being clear Travis." I said back.
"There's no choice to make." he answered firmly, making my heart fall because no answer? Well that wasn't choosing me.
"I'm asking you instead!!!" I yelled.
"She's not even an option Lila? Is it too hard for you to get? There's you and you only!" he screamed back at me, seeming to lose all patience but that wasn't really true because if there was me only? He wouldn't have taken that call. "You're my girlfriend!"
"And you're still not answering me!!" I shouted back, feeling crazy myself too.
"Because you shouldn't even making this goddamn question! It's you Lila! What is happening to you?!" I shook my head, not knowing how to explain my feeling, to explain how I felt like I was the only one moving in this relationship while Travis seemed content to stay still and keep a backup plan with his ex.
"But you're going anyway, aren't you?"
"Did I ever gave you a reason not to trust me? Tell me, did I ever do something that could make you think I have any reason to cheat on you? Tell me what the fuck I'm doing wrong." I felt the frustration bubble up inside me and I smacked his chest. I wanted to shake him, to let him inside my head to understand what I couldn't explain with words without sounding like a jealous needy bitch. His hands grabbed my wrist to stop me and I broke.
"You don't trust me instead. You can't even tell me what's going on with her, you're always so closed off and never tell me anything about our past, I have all the reasons to worry!"
"I can't tell you Lila, I don't want to!" he shouted at me. "And the more you push it, the less I'll be willing to tell you." I wriggled in his hold, annoyed at his words.
"Are you threatening me?" He let me go, taking a few steps back from me.
"I'm just telling you how things are." he said coldly and I realized how one sided we were. You couldn't just decide how things were without discussing them. Not if he really cared for me and for us. I licked my lips and brushed the tears away that had fallen down my cheeks sometime in the past few minutes.
"Travis." He stopped, probably because my voice had gone soft where as before I had been screaming.
"Please. Leave it alone." I shook my head.
"I can't. I wish I could. God I wish I could." This wasn't happening. I couldn't be making this decision now, like this. I couldn't be the one to break my heart.
"You can."
"I'm sorry Trav. I can't do this anymore. And maybe it's because of her, and maybe it's just that I'm not good enough but if you loved me? You'd want to share everything. Be everything the way I'd give you all of me always."
"What are you saying?" He said softly, his hard shell coming down and his eyes wide.
"I think." I swallowed, my body and my heart screaming at me to stop this, to just forget about it, that being cared about that being the only girl for him was enough, that he didn't have to love me. But I was worth so much more than that. "I think we're done." I said finally, stepping off the bed and finding my jeans on the floor where he'd thrown them after stripping them off me before we'd made love all night. If I had only knew that would be the last time....
"What?! What are you talking about?" I buttoned the jeans and pulled his shirt over my head to hand to him before finding my own.
"Travis I bought a house. Didn't you think that was at all strange? If we were in a real relationship I would have just moved in here, but I knew that was never happening."
".....you want to move in with me?" He looked flabbergasted.
"No. But I did want a future. And subconsiously? I knew we didn't have one." I felt the tears falling freely now as I tilted my head up to kiss his cheek. "I do love you. I wish you could even understand how much I did. I really hope you find happiness in your life because you deserve it....even if it isn't with me." my voice broke as I spoke, but I didn't have anything else left to say. Travis grabbed my wrists, but this time it was in desperation not self preservation.
"You- you're leaving me Lil?" he breathed out, the words out loud making it even worse. I swallowed and nodded, looking up at him and wondering if I met him only to understand what heartbreak really was.
"I can't stay with you anymore, not like this." I whispered.
"The hell you can't. You just don't want to." she said furiously, and I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall.
"I wish I could-" I started softly but he cut me off.
"You were only waiting for the right time to leave me instead. You really have the guts to stay here, look in my face, and say that we never got a chance to stay together because of me?" he asked between clenched teeth, and barely restrained fury. "It was always you instead, always too scared that I'd leave you or that I'd get bored while you were only waiting for the inevitable to happen. You were only waiting for me to leave you and never believed in us." he roared as he bored his eyes into mine before letting go of my wrist and turning his back to me. I didn't know how to explain my feelings so I said only what I knew to be true.
"I love you Travis! I love you with all myself!" I cried out.
"And just because of that you're better than me? Just because you told me that you love me and I can't right now you feel the right to let everything go to hell?" he spat back, turning to me once again. "Just because I didn't ask you to move in then you think we never had a chance to have a future? Grow up Lila, a real relationship isn't a nice house and your boyfriend whispering love words into your ear." I felt desperate and horrified because maybe he was right. Maybe my perception of relationships was completely wrong, but I knew that this wasn't right. That we weren't right.
"You can't be serious Travis."
"The hell I am." he spat harshly, "I might have made my mistakes Lila, but you...you've always been too young for me. You're a kid, I'm a man, and we were execting different things from this relationship." he added and shook his head, slumping on the edge of his bed and running his hands through his hair as he lowered his gaze.
"Maybe I am too young Trav." I shrugged. "But a man? Wouldn't still be living in the past. Wouldn't be afraid to feel. That's the kind of man I want."
"Good." Travis had shut down and I could feel it.
"I'm not blaming you."
"No? Then why are you leaving?" He looked at me finally and I saw the pain that I felt but it struck a chord in my heart that he was feeling even a little of what I was. He looked empty. Lost. Broken. I hated it.
"You know why." I whispered. "I'm sorry I fell too hard too fast, but I couldn't help it."
"If you're going to leave then leave." I swallowed.
"I hope she knows how lucky she is." I said under my breath, knowing he would still see her later, still be with her instead of with me. Knew that to be true even if I had said nothing. Because he had something holding him to her and until that was broken? He'd never move on. Maybe they were meant to be together. Maybe she could make him happy.
"Get out." His voice was low and dangerous and I nodded, the tears still freely falling as I picked up my things and walked out the door but I couldn't even make it outside before I crumpled in his living room, unable to do anything but sob for the loss of something I loved so much. I had never felt this pain before, this loss. I felt like there was a whole inside of me but I needed to get up and out and back to my house so he wouldn't know how broken I was.
"Lil." His voice was bad enough, but hearing his name for me? Made it so much worse.
"I'm leaving. I promise." I stood up and collected my things, but I was still shaking.
"I'd like to know that you got home safe and sound, I can call Jax and ask him if he can-"
"No." I cut him off, not needing his pity and definitley not needing Jax and the words I knew he would say. "You don't need to do that, I only live 5 minutes from here." I reminded him, hating that the house I'd loved was so close to his now.
"I'm aware of that." he growled. "I'm just saying that if you're not feeling good you can stay here until you do or call someone to pick you." I just looked at him as I tried not to cry more though it was useless, it was like a dam had broken in my eyes and there was no stopping it.
"Why are you doing this?" I breathed out, we didn't need to make this worse it was bad enough as it was.
"I might be an a.sshole and a cheater, but I'm not a liar and all the times I said I cared about you, I meant it."
"Trav-"
"I don't have anything to say to you anymore. If I'll find something of yours around, I'll give it to Colbie when I'll see her at the game." he cut me off, buttoning his shirt halfhazardly and then adding a rumpled jacket.
"Travis!" He finally turned to look at me and I ran my hand through my hair, thinking of how I'd woken up this morning in his arms, with his lips on my body, perfect...and now? It was amazing how much could change in an hour.
"WHAT!?" I walked up and set my hands on his chest, something that always softened him and even now his face lost the hard lines, the anger in his eyes turned to sadness.
"I know you're not a cheater. And I know that you've always cared about me. And I'm really sorry that I can't make it work." Travis shut his eyes and I leaned in slightly, feeling the heat from his body and his scent, memorizing it for when I'd be alone and wishing I was in his arms instead. I set my forehead against his chest and let my eyes close too. He didn't hold me back, but he didn't move away either. I wasn't exactly sure how long either of us stood there, but finally I pulled myself together enough to pull back and walk out the door, neither of us having anymore words.....or maybe we had too many. I guess I'd never know.