I got up from Andys bed and felt underdressed immediately, as soon as the chill air of the room hit me. To my defense, I was really underdressed, almost naked more likely, but it wasn't just a physical thing...I felt exposed, vulnerable, and willing to close myself off instead. I had been like this since Caleb, the only moments when I felt better were the ones where Andy was with me but then again, it wasn't that I felt better really, I just didn't feel anything. He made me talk, he made me come, he even made me laugh a little occasionally, for a few hours I could forget all the rest of my life until it was morning and my misery and anxiety were still there. I wished I could say that not seeing Caleb was helping me...it wasn't. I missed him, more than I missed John to be honest.
"Hey, what are you thinking about?" Andy's low and groggy voice almost made me jump.
"Hey, what are you thinking about?" Andy's low and groggy voice almost made me jump.
I turned to him and smiled at his handsome sleepy face, watching him as he stirred under the sheets, his torso exposed and showing his hard muscles. "Nothing." I shook my head, finishing to get dressed.
"I can tell when you lie gorgeous, you're deep in your thoughts." He said back, surprising me since I had no idea he actually spent time bothering about my thoughts.
"I have a lot of my mind." I replied cryptically, pulling my hair up in a messy bun.
He lifted himself in a sitting position and reached for my hand, pulling me to him. "You're running away already?" He asked this time.
"I have a long day ahead of me." I signed, setting my hands on his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around me. I had no idea what we were doing, what he wanted from me, truth was I didn't care, I didn't want anything and I knew that eventually he'd disappear like he always did.
"Uhm." He grumbled as he lifted my top to press a kiss on my stomach, his green eyes looking up at me. "I was hoping I could see you later." He said lowly, fire burning into his eyes.
"I don't know...I work for a wedding." I explained and played with his long hair. Which, side note, didn't felt like Caleb's at all.
He groaned, rolling his eyes. "Ugh, weddings." He made a face.
This time I wasn't surprised because I knew what he thought about permanent commitment. But I didn't have the same opinion he had and everytime I made a cake, I got a little sad, wondering if I'd ever have my own one day. "I really have to go." I replied shortly, letting him pull me into a kiss.
"Later baby." He told me, keeping his eyes on me as I grabbed my bag and walked out.
-----
I stared at the cake. It was gorgeous. It was delicious too. But it wasn't for me and part of me wanted to stop working for weddings. Meh. "You have that thoughtful expression on your face again."
I turned around and blinked at Andy. What was he doing here now, in my bakery. "I'm working." I said as if that explained everything.
He walked over me, cupping my face and kissing me softly yet firmly. "I know. I just stopped by to say hi." He grinned. "Hi." He kissed me again.
I couldn't help smirking a little because it was admittedly a nice surprise. It still meant nothing, but everything meant nothing these days, at least this was a nothing I liked. "Hi." I whispered and this time I kissed him back. "Now disappear because you're distracting me." I told him, making it sound like a joke but I was also serious. I hated being distracted while I worked. Hated it.
"I will if you say yes to tonight." He said and wrapped his arms around my waist. I raised one eyebrow. "It's going to be worth it I promise." He added with a hint of naughtiness to his tone.
"Yes if I don't get off work too late." I told him as I forced myself to pull back.
He seemed happy with the answer, he didn't know I would probably go back home instead. No matter the time I'd be done with work. "Don't think too much baby." He winked at me before walking out. Baby? Again? God, words meant nothing to Andy.
"Baby?" I heard and for a moment I thought I was delirious. It sounded like Caleb. I was losing my mind.
But when I turned and he was in the doorway I almost died. Died. He was handsome, even more handsome than usual but mostly he was in my bakery. "I-" I cut myself off and cleared my throat, feeling confused and almost as if I couldn't think anymore, also like I could start crying any moment. "Hi." I managed to say eventually.
“Hi.” Caleb folded his arms over his chest and looked as confused and surprised as I did. Also a little...off?
“What are you doing here?” I asked slowly, not being able to bite my tongue.
“The wedding planner was sick of me grumping around the venue so he asked me to see if the cake was done.” He explained matter of factly.
“Don’t you own this place? You’d think you’d be able to grump around wherever you wanted.”
He nodded. “You’d think so wouldn’t you.” He agreed, leaving me wonder if he was there just for that...for the wedding. I felt the little hope I had die.
"It’s done. I was just going to box it up.” I told him, keeping a tone as neutral as possible.
“Before your asshole of an ex came to suck on your face.” He replied, letting me know exactly what he had seen.
“Um.” I mumbled, unable to find my voice. I didn't have any reason to feel guilty about Andy, but I did, a little.
“Um?” He shook his head. “Good reply.”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked him slowly.
He shrugged and shook his head, he looked mad and so different from the controlled Caleb I knew. “Nothing Tara. I shouldn’t have even come.”
“Are you okay?” I asked as he walked to my door. The question was stupid and I shouldn't have asked, but I didn't really want him to go away.
He froze and blinked back at me. “No. I’m not okay.” He replied, folding his arms over his chest and daring me to ask him why.
I knew why. “I just-“
“You just what? You can’t handle being alone for even a moment and any man near you will do?”
“Caleb.” I started, feeling hurt, he knew me better than that. Did he?
“What?” He spat harshly.
“You don’t understand…”
“What? You’re happy together with him? He’s willing to give you everything that I’m not? Everything that John didn’t?”
“No-“ I started but he cut me off, again.
“So then what? You’re trying to save money on the batteries for your vibrator?” I flinched but he kept his gaze hard on me, waiting for an explanation.
"Are you really interested in my answer or you're going to cut me off no matter what I say and be an ass to me?" I asked back, trying to give him back the same attitude he was using with me. It was hard though because I didn't want to fight, I didn't want him to upset me hand hurt me like he did, I wanted to be happy to see him instead, I wanted to hug him and tell him that I missed him. I couldn't.
He narrowed his eyes on me, "I'm curious to know what kind of lie you're going to serve me this time." He retorted.
"I never lied to you and you know it!!" I protested, widening my eyes because I couldn't believe he was being so low as a person. I had a high opinion of him, no matter what. It was time for changes apparently.
He gave me a bitter laugh that made me want to slap him. "Sure. You liked me so much you ran back to that idiot the first chance you got. Why did you even sleep with me? Just because he wasn't around sooner?" He said.
"What are you trying to say, that I'm a whore who opens her legs no matter what?" I asked him, beyond mad, beyond hurt. I was out of myself and that never ended well.
He stared back at me, a challenging expression on his face. "You tell me what you are." He said slowly. This time I did it. I slapped him. Because if there was something I couldn't stand was when someone didn't respect me. "What the f-" He blinked at me.
"How do you even dare Caleb. How!!!" I shouted in his face, the anger fueling me to the point I felt like I could climb the Everest or smash it with a punch or both. "If I'm a slut I am because I slept with you, not because of Andy."
He seemed to forget my slap easily as his face went red for another whole reason. There was no trace of the Caleb I though I knew, of my Caleb. "Why did you?" The tone of his voice leveled mine. "Wasn't I enough? Of course I wasn't but he's not either!!!"
I was exasperated because I felt like I had to say the things I had already said to him all over again. "I don't want him like I wanted you! I want nothing from him while I wanted everything from you...don't you understand that?" I explained as I ran my hands through my hair nervously, "You're a smart man, I know you are, but surely you do a great job acting like you're an idiot damn it!" I went on. And I was screaming again.
“I’m acting like an idiot?!” Caleb asked, his eyes widening.
“Yes!”
“How? What did I do?” He asked.
“You basically called him easy Caleb!” I retorted, his words still hurting me.
He shook his head. “You basically called yourself easy.” He retorted. “When you left me you made it seem like it was because of me, because I couldn’t offer you what you wanted. But now I find out that you’re with someone who’s willing to give you even less?”
“You’re not listening!!!” I spat, exhasperated.
“No I get it. You don’t want anything from him. He’s just a distraction.” He shrugged, looking completely unaffected for a moment.
“You’re saying this as if you’ve never distracted yourself with a woman.” I retorted. “And like you’ve never gone back to an ex….both of which I know you’ve done.”
“That’s so different.” He shook his head.
“How?!”
“Because YOU are different!” He shouted. “I have no idea how you ended up back together with a man you told me you hate when I couldn’t even imagine looking at a woman I genuinely like.”
“Caleb…..”
He didn’t interrupt me this time but I didn’t seem to have anything else to say. “I could have distracted you.” He confessed and I had the feeling he was regretting his words already.
“You’re too distracting.” I commented like an idiot.
“Why though? Why did you need anyone? Do you see how this looks to me? When you moved from John to him so fast I thought it was because of me. Because we had something. Now it just seems like you never cared at all. My god Tara I have no idea what I did wrong with you. At least I knew how I fucked up my marriage.”
"I know how it looks to you, and yes, you could be right because it does looks bad but you're supposed to know me better than that." I answered quickly, so quickly I wasn't even sure I was breathing while talking too. I didn't know why Caleb had the power to upset me so much. "You should know that I care about you just like you should know that if I moved so fast to you it's because I liked you, if I even decided to leave John it was because of you too. We did have something!!"
"If it is so tell me why you left me and went back to Andy!!!" He protested, looking as if he was losing his mind, like I couldn't find the answers he needed. Truth was, he shouldn't have felt the urge to make questions.
I swallowed and shook my head, my heart beating so fast I was afraid I was going to die or faint. I was starting to feel disconnected to reality and that was a bad feeling. As if I just wanted to close my eyes and pretend this wasn't happening, it was too much for me. "Caleb I didn't leave you, we weren't together and-"
"Because we you said we couldn't be together but you can be with him instead?" He cut me off once again, as if he couldn't wait even a second and he was too impatient. I had never seen him like this.
"No Caleb, I'm not with him." I said, starting to feel exhausted.
"What are you instead? Just dating him?" He went on, not even close to be done. "See how it goes this time?"
"I'm just seeing him because I can't bear the thought of you and when I'm with him I don't think about anything." I told him honestly, my tone calm and tired. "I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing it for me. I know it's probably wrong and that I should be able to stay alone but I can't right now. I tried and all I could do was think about how much I had lost in my life and how much I missed you."
He stared at me and for the first time he looked like he was really processing my words. "How...what did I do wrong with you?" He asked eventually, slowly.
I slumped on the chair next to me and looked up at him. "Nothing. I can't really blame you for anything, you were nothing but amazing to me. But no matter how amazing you were and you still are, I can't commit to a man who doesn't want to commit. I know that you're free to have your opinion and I never wanted to force you or pressure you...we can't know what happens in the future but we can have wishes and dreams. You couldn't even give me a glimpse of a future where I could hope for this." I motioned to the wedding cake, feeling so sad all over again. I bit down on my lip and shook my head, "I don't even want to talk about it anymore."
"Tara-" He started and it was my turn to cut him off.
"I don't think we should work together anymore." I said even if it costed me a lot and I knew it'd get him mad. "It's too hard for me and it's not easier for you...it's just. Not working."
“That’s impossible.” Caleb said shaking his head. “Your bakery can’t move.”
I blinked and looked up at him. “Can’t it?” Of course not.
He shook his head and walked up closer to me. “No.” He said seriously. “I’ll back off Tara. You don’t need to start all over again.” He said, his words full of emotion.
“I don’t…” I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.
“What if I wanted more?” He asked, making me dart up to look at him.
“What?” I asked, not sure if he had really said the words. More?
“What if I wanted more.” He said again, letting everything I meant seep into those five words.
“Does it matter anymore?” I asked, blinking back at him.
“….I guess it doesn’t if you don’t want me.” He admitted.
“No…it’s just. Isn’t it too late now? Besides…you don’t really want me Caleb you just…..you don’t want to not have me either.”
“I do want you.” He said so seriously my eyes widened a little.
“What do you want?” I whispered, silently hoping for the right answer to come out of his mouth.
He walked up closer and cupped my face, making me remember how much I actually missed him. “I want a chance to know if this is real. If this does have a future. I’m not promising one because at this point that would be irresponsible. But I do know that you’re worth taking a risk I didn’t think I’d ever let myself take again.”
“Caleb…” I leaned into his palm and he pressed a kiss against my forehead.
“But I won’t share you with him.” He added. “I won’t share you with anyone.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
He turned around and cursed while I dropped the napkin I’d been holding and felt the color drain from my face. John. “I didn’t even see you come in.” Caleb told John, as he scratched the back of his neck.
“No you were too busy groping my girlfriend.” He accused, a look of shock and horror twisting his face.
“John-“ I started.
“No! Don’t you start with your John this John that bullshit Tara. What the fuck is going on?”
“First of all? I’m not your girlfriend anymore.” I said, my eyes narrowing. “Secondly he wasn’t groping me. What are you even doing here?!”
“I was here for the wedding and thought I’d drop off the rest of your sht!” He shouted, tossing a box roughly onto the nearest table.
“Oh.” I said and took a deep breath. “Thanks.”
“That’s it?! I walk into my cousin saying he doesn’t want to share you and neither of you have anything to say about it? What does that mean? Were you fucking him when we were together? Is that why you left?”
“No.” We both said at the same time, because if either of us knew anything it was that we had been broken up before we’d started sleeping together…..not that nothing had happened before hand….but he wasn’t asking about a few kisses.
“Then someone please tell him WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! NOW!!!”
I felt like fainting again, like this was only a bad dream. I was panicking. This was reality unfortunately and I had to react, that was when I reminded myself I was strong. "First of all? This is my bakery and you have no right to come here and start yelling at me. At us." I started, crossing my fingers that this would work. Damn John. He had never showed up here where we were together why did he have to now?! Just now when Caleb was finally opening up...he had a fucking awful timing.
"I have every right no do anything I want Tara." He narrowed his eyes on me and using that arrogant tone I hated so much.
"Not here." I replied harshly.
He ignored me completely, only pissing me off more, and turning to Caleb. As weird as it sounded he was the person I was worried about the most. I didn't care about myself, I didn't care about John, I cared about Caleb. "You better have an answer." He told him through clenched teeth.
"It's not how it seems." He said back, squaring his shoulders but I could see the look on his face. He was...guilty.
"We were just talking about work." I said the first thing coming through my mind, because I didn't know if we were ready to tell John the truth. And what truth? We didn't even know what we were. It was all so confusing.
"Work...ha!" He scoffed, "You two seemed quiet friendly."
"That's because we are friends." I said matter of factly. "I was telling him I got an offer from another person, I'm having a hard time with the bakery and this man is willing to help if I sell him a part of it. Caleb was trying to convince me not to and I was just agreeing but he was making it clear that once we're partners it's exclusive." I heard myself say. Dear god was this good enough? Was Caleb going to be mad at me? I was so tense it was hard not to shake
John blinked. Caleb tried not to react at all, which onl made me feel worse. “Since when are you friends?”
“Since I started the bakery John, you knew that….” I trailed off.
“I know he’s a man too. And men don’t want to be friends with women like you.” He retorted.
“That’s rich coming from you.” I replied, folding my arms over my chest.
“Tara.” He shook his head.
“You keep your hands off her.” He said seriously. "I know you Caleb. I know your type. Stay away from Tara.” He licked his lips.
“John stop.”
“No.” Caleb said over me.
John blinked at him. “No?” He asked.
“I’m not going to stay away from her just because of you.” He rose a brow.
“Caleb-“ I started.
“Shut up.” John glared at me and Caleb snapped.
“Hey! She is not your damn secretary John you can’t talk to her that way.”
John took a step closer to him, they were almost identical in height and he looked right into his eyes. I shivered. I didn't want them to start fighting, for real. “I always thought you had a thing for her.” He commented.
“I do.” He agreed. I was going to faint.
“Can we not do this right now?!” I asked.
“What are we doing Tara? You say you were talking about business but he had his hands on you. You look at him the way you used to look at me!”
“I-“
“It doesn’t matter how I feel.” Caleb replied, trying to save me from a conversation he knew I didn’t want to have. “She’s seeing someone else anyways.” He replied. Not such a great idea.
“What?” John turned to me. “My god, how many men are you dragging along?”
"That's not any of your business John we're not together anymore do you remember? Do you need me to tell you again why?" I retorted because I wasn't going to let him humiliate me. Oddly enough Caleb had more rights to ask me things than John.
"I didn't know you'd turn into-"
Caleb cut him off. "Don't offend her." He almost growled, getting protective which made my stomach flip in a good way but at the same time it could be suspicious.
John glared at his cousin. "Tara knows how to defend herself."
"I do and that why I want you out of here." I said seriously. "I'm working so please get out."
"Fucking unbelievable." He muttered, shaking his head as he headed outside but before he walked out he turned to us, pointing his finger at Caleb. "We're not done talking about this."
"Anytime you want." He shrugged nonchalantly but I knew it was all an act. This was bad.
An unreal silence fell in the room and it seemed like it was spinning for a moment. Then I ran to Caleb and wrapped my arms around him, letting out a deep sigh. He was right for me, this was where I belonged. "I'm sorry Caleb. And thank you." He tensed and didn't hug me back so I stepped back. "I...I didn't want to lie to John but I didn't know what to say either. I don't even know what we are...it's a complicated situation."
He stared at me and swallowed. "Why did you lie? Don't you want to be with me?" He asked, his voice as calm and warm as usual but I could hear a hint of insecurity. Maybe I was wrong though.
I bit down on my lip. "Yes." I said simply, feeling as if time stopped. The whole world stopped.
"Yes." He repeated and this time he was the one stepping towards him and wrapping his arm around me.
I didn't lose a second and smiled wide before crashing my body against him and kissing him hard. We still had to talk, sure, but I wanted to fell him against me first, I had missed him so much.
Caleb squeezed me against him. Before I could stop he had picked me up, wrapped my legs around his waist and pressed me up against the wall as he kissed me senseless.
“Caleb.” I moaned. Oh my god. This was happening.
“We should talk.” He said, pulling away breathlessly.
“Yeah we should…..” I agreed. “But also we have to deliver that cake.”
He groaned and kissed me again, soaking me in. “Okay.” He let me slide down his body slowly, making him groan as I bit down on my lip. “We do have to tell John.” He reminded me. “I won’t lie to him.”
“Do you ever lie?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
“Sure.” He shrugged. “But not about important things, like my girlfriend.” The word hung in the air almost echoing in my small bakery.
“Girlfriend.” I said softly.
“Yeah. Sounds weird to me too.” He agreed. “I mean….unless that’s not what you-“
I kissed him again. I had no doubts anymore. “It is what I want. I just never thought I’d hear you say it.” I smirked before heading to the back to get what I needed for the cake.
“Me either.” He admitted when I was back in the room. “I was serious before though Tara. I’m not sharing you.”
I nodded because not even for a second I could think about being with him and someone else. "I know you were...and you won't have to share me. If I'm yours I'm yours only." I said softly, smiling and cupping his scruffy cheek softly before closing my eyes and kissing him one more time.
He kissed me back, his hands gripping at my hips tightly, "You won't see Andy anymore...right?" He asked, sounding a little hesitant.
I took a deep breath. Only now a thought occurred me. Did he think I could ever cheat on him? Or was I having the wrong idea of what he was offering me? "What do you want?" I asked quietly to let him know I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to talk.
"You. With me." He answered simply as he stared deep into my eyes and in that exact moment I felt something inside of me change.
"So...a relationship. For real." I tried to say the thing he wasn't saying in so many words. He just nodded, which didn't help my case. "I want that too and I promise there will always be you and you only. I know you might have a hard time trusting me...because of my past..." I trailed off awkwardly, feeling a little ashamed. "I'd never cheat on you." I said eventually, feeling like an idiot for all the mistakes I had made.
Caleb held my face and ran his thumb against my cheek. “If I ever give you a reason to I probably deserved it.” He replied.
I shook my head. “I promise Caleb I won’t.”
“I believe you. I’m just saying….with John. Maybe you should have left him sooner, but your relationship ending wasn’t your fault. And me kissing you isn’t cheating.”
“I kissed back.” I replied, my voice sounding smaller.
“That’s not your fault. I’m a phenomenal kisser.” He teased and I widened me eyes before laughing at him.
“I always think you’re so serious and then you say something silly in the middle of a serious conversation.” I shook my head.
He grinned. “Are you implying that I’m not a good kisser?”
“No.” I laughed. “Help me load this to his car?”
“I don’t want to drop it.” He admitted. “I feel like dropping a wedding cake on the first day we get together is a bad omen or something.”
“You won’t drop it. You can pick me up!!!”
He grinned wolfishly at her. “Yeah but you’re not nearly as fragile as a cake.” He responded…..”Tell him.”
I blinked back at him. “What?”
“Tell him right now that you won’t come over. That you’re never coming over.” He replied.
I blinked again. “Are you talking about Andy?”
He nodded, his hands rolling into fists. Oh. “I hate that you went to him Tara.” He admitted. “I’m so jealous I can’t even think about it without getting angry.”
Seeing Caleb jealous was kind of a shock to me. He had never struck me like the jealous kind of guy. "I'm sorry I did. I knew it was a bad move but it's easy to fall into bad habits sometimes. I genuinely thought I wouldn't have gone down that road again but when we fought and we stopped talking..." I trailed off, shaking my head, the thought still a painful one even if we were okay now. More than okay. "He showed up and it was the easiest thing to do."
"I don't want to hear you talk about him anymore." He said darkly, his face so serious. So handsome. So intense.
"Okay." I breathed out thinking that yes I didn't want to piss him off on the first day of our relationship so it was better if I shut my mouth.
"Are you going to call him or what?" He asked, his patience running short again.
I nodded and reached for my phone, dialing his number. My heart beat so fast. I couldnt remember the last time I had talked to Andy about something serious, about us, everytime he disappeared and when he appeared again I never asked for an explanation. God only knew why I had always taken him back. I waited but got no answer. "He's not answering." I said simply, looking at Caleb. "It gets to his voicemail." I added and the expression on my man's face meant one thing only. He wanted me to say the words now. "Hi Andy it's me. I just called to tell you I can't see you later...or tomorrow. Or any other day. No need to call me back, bye." I said and hung up.
Caleb's chest expanded as he inhaled deeply. "Well said. I want him out of your life."
"Done already." I smiled. Then I gave him a serious look. There was something I had to ask him too. "I don't want you to see your ex wife anymore." I added candidly. It wasn't because I was jealous, more because she looked like a s.lut who had done nothing but made feel Caleb guilty for years. That had to stop.
“I don’t see her Tara.” Caleb argued.
“You do you meet for lunch!” I protested.
“Tara that was part of our divorce agreement. I can’t not do it.” He explained as I glared at him. It was so fucked up. He sighed. “I understand that I wouldn’t want it if the roles were reversed.”
“That’s ridiculous though! Why would any divorced couple want to see each other anyways!?”
“I- I wanted to be friends.” He shrugged.
“She wanted to keep you as backup sex more like it.” I pouted. I didn't really want that evil woman next to him.
He rose a brow as he smirked. “I told you already I haven’t slept with Selene for years.”
“Still.”
“What if I see if we can meet here for lunch? You can see there’s nothing going on.”
I folded my arms over my chest. I wasn't going to give up. “Sure. I’ll see if Andy wants to come too.”
He groaned. “I’ll talk to her.” He replied. “And I’ll talk to my lawyer.” He grimaced. John was his lawyer, of course. "Or I’ll find a new lawyer….” He trailed off.
“You’re thinking too hard….” I set my hand around his neck and nuzzled my face against it, deciding to give him a break.
“There’s so much against us.” He admitted. “It’s why you walked away in the first place.”
I nodded. “I know….but don’t you think we owe it to try anyways?”
He looked down into my eyes, “Yes. I do.”
"I can tell when you lie gorgeous, you're deep in your thoughts." He said back, surprising me since I had no idea he actually spent time bothering about my thoughts.
"I have a lot of my mind." I replied cryptically, pulling my hair up in a messy bun.
He lifted himself in a sitting position and reached for my hand, pulling me to him. "You're running away already?" He asked this time.
"I have a long day ahead of me." I signed, setting my hands on his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around me. I had no idea what we were doing, what he wanted from me, truth was I didn't care, I didn't want anything and I knew that eventually he'd disappear like he always did.
"Uhm." He grumbled as he lifted my top to press a kiss on my stomach, his green eyes looking up at me. "I was hoping I could see you later." He said lowly, fire burning into his eyes.
"I don't know...I work for a wedding." I explained and played with his long hair. Which, side note, didn't felt like Caleb's at all.
He groaned, rolling his eyes. "Ugh, weddings." He made a face.
This time I wasn't surprised because I knew what he thought about permanent commitment. But I didn't have the same opinion he had and everytime I made a cake, I got a little sad, wondering if I'd ever have my own one day. "I really have to go." I replied shortly, letting him pull me into a kiss.
"Later baby." He told me, keeping his eyes on me as I grabbed my bag and walked out.
-----
I stared at the cake. It was gorgeous. It was delicious too. But it wasn't for me and part of me wanted to stop working for weddings. Meh. "You have that thoughtful expression on your face again."
I turned around and blinked at Andy. What was he doing here now, in my bakery. "I'm working." I said as if that explained everything.
He walked over me, cupping my face and kissing me softly yet firmly. "I know. I just stopped by to say hi." He grinned. "Hi." He kissed me again.
I couldn't help smirking a little because it was admittedly a nice surprise. It still meant nothing, but everything meant nothing these days, at least this was a nothing I liked. "Hi." I whispered and this time I kissed him back. "Now disappear because you're distracting me." I told him, making it sound like a joke but I was also serious. I hated being distracted while I worked. Hated it.
"I will if you say yes to tonight." He said and wrapped his arms around my waist. I raised one eyebrow. "It's going to be worth it I promise." He added with a hint of naughtiness to his tone.
"Yes if I don't get off work too late." I told him as I forced myself to pull back.
He seemed happy with the answer, he didn't know I would probably go back home instead. No matter the time I'd be done with work. "Don't think too much baby." He winked at me before walking out. Baby? Again? God, words meant nothing to Andy.
"Baby?" I heard and for a moment I thought I was delirious. It sounded like Caleb. I was losing my mind.
But when I turned and he was in the doorway I almost died. Died. He was handsome, even more handsome than usual but mostly he was in my bakery. "I-" I cut myself off and cleared my throat, feeling confused and almost as if I couldn't think anymore, also like I could start crying any moment. "Hi." I managed to say eventually.
“Hi.” Caleb folded his arms over his chest and looked as confused and surprised as I did. Also a little...off?
“What are you doing here?” I asked slowly, not being able to bite my tongue.
“The wedding planner was sick of me grumping around the venue so he asked me to see if the cake was done.” He explained matter of factly.
“Don’t you own this place? You’d think you’d be able to grump around wherever you wanted.”
He nodded. “You’d think so wouldn’t you.” He agreed, leaving me wonder if he was there just for that...for the wedding. I felt the little hope I had die.
"It’s done. I was just going to box it up.” I told him, keeping a tone as neutral as possible.
“Before your asshole of an ex came to suck on your face.” He replied, letting me know exactly what he had seen.
“Um.” I mumbled, unable to find my voice. I didn't have any reason to feel guilty about Andy, but I did, a little.
“Um?” He shook his head. “Good reply.”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked him slowly.
He shrugged and shook his head, he looked mad and so different from the controlled Caleb I knew. “Nothing Tara. I shouldn’t have even come.”
“Are you okay?” I asked as he walked to my door. The question was stupid and I shouldn't have asked, but I didn't really want him to go away.
He froze and blinked back at me. “No. I’m not okay.” He replied, folding his arms over his chest and daring me to ask him why.
I knew why. “I just-“
“You just what? You can’t handle being alone for even a moment and any man near you will do?”
“Caleb.” I started, feeling hurt, he knew me better than that. Did he?
“What?” He spat harshly.
“You don’t understand…”
“What? You’re happy together with him? He’s willing to give you everything that I’m not? Everything that John didn’t?”
“No-“ I started but he cut me off, again.
“So then what? You’re trying to save money on the batteries for your vibrator?” I flinched but he kept his gaze hard on me, waiting for an explanation.
"Are you really interested in my answer or you're going to cut me off no matter what I say and be an ass to me?" I asked back, trying to give him back the same attitude he was using with me. It was hard though because I didn't want to fight, I didn't want him to upset me hand hurt me like he did, I wanted to be happy to see him instead, I wanted to hug him and tell him that I missed him. I couldn't.
He narrowed his eyes on me, "I'm curious to know what kind of lie you're going to serve me this time." He retorted.
"I never lied to you and you know it!!" I protested, widening my eyes because I couldn't believe he was being so low as a person. I had a high opinion of him, no matter what. It was time for changes apparently.
He gave me a bitter laugh that made me want to slap him. "Sure. You liked me so much you ran back to that idiot the first chance you got. Why did you even sleep with me? Just because he wasn't around sooner?" He said.
"What are you trying to say, that I'm a whore who opens her legs no matter what?" I asked him, beyond mad, beyond hurt. I was out of myself and that never ended well.
He stared back at me, a challenging expression on his face. "You tell me what you are." He said slowly. This time I did it. I slapped him. Because if there was something I couldn't stand was when someone didn't respect me. "What the f-" He blinked at me.
"How do you even dare Caleb. How!!!" I shouted in his face, the anger fueling me to the point I felt like I could climb the Everest or smash it with a punch or both. "If I'm a slut I am because I slept with you, not because of Andy."
He seemed to forget my slap easily as his face went red for another whole reason. There was no trace of the Caleb I though I knew, of my Caleb. "Why did you?" The tone of his voice leveled mine. "Wasn't I enough? Of course I wasn't but he's not either!!!"
I was exasperated because I felt like I had to say the things I had already said to him all over again. "I don't want him like I wanted you! I want nothing from him while I wanted everything from you...don't you understand that?" I explained as I ran my hands through my hair nervously, "You're a smart man, I know you are, but surely you do a great job acting like you're an idiot damn it!" I went on. And I was screaming again.
“I’m acting like an idiot?!” Caleb asked, his eyes widening.
“Yes!”
“How? What did I do?” He asked.
“You basically called him easy Caleb!” I retorted, his words still hurting me.
He shook his head. “You basically called yourself easy.” He retorted. “When you left me you made it seem like it was because of me, because I couldn’t offer you what you wanted. But now I find out that you’re with someone who’s willing to give you even less?”
“You’re not listening!!!” I spat, exhasperated.
“No I get it. You don’t want anything from him. He’s just a distraction.” He shrugged, looking completely unaffected for a moment.
“You’re saying this as if you’ve never distracted yourself with a woman.” I retorted. “And like you’ve never gone back to an ex….both of which I know you’ve done.”
“That’s so different.” He shook his head.
“How?!”
“Because YOU are different!” He shouted. “I have no idea how you ended up back together with a man you told me you hate when I couldn’t even imagine looking at a woman I genuinely like.”
“Caleb…..”
He didn’t interrupt me this time but I didn’t seem to have anything else to say. “I could have distracted you.” He confessed and I had the feeling he was regretting his words already.
“You’re too distracting.” I commented like an idiot.
“Why though? Why did you need anyone? Do you see how this looks to me? When you moved from John to him so fast I thought it was because of me. Because we had something. Now it just seems like you never cared at all. My god Tara I have no idea what I did wrong with you. At least I knew how I fucked up my marriage.”
"I know how it looks to you, and yes, you could be right because it does looks bad but you're supposed to know me better than that." I answered quickly, so quickly I wasn't even sure I was breathing while talking too. I didn't know why Caleb had the power to upset me so much. "You should know that I care about you just like you should know that if I moved so fast to you it's because I liked you, if I even decided to leave John it was because of you too. We did have something!!"
"If it is so tell me why you left me and went back to Andy!!!" He protested, looking as if he was losing his mind, like I couldn't find the answers he needed. Truth was, he shouldn't have felt the urge to make questions.
I swallowed and shook my head, my heart beating so fast I was afraid I was going to die or faint. I was starting to feel disconnected to reality and that was a bad feeling. As if I just wanted to close my eyes and pretend this wasn't happening, it was too much for me. "Caleb I didn't leave you, we weren't together and-"
"Because we you said we couldn't be together but you can be with him instead?" He cut me off once again, as if he couldn't wait even a second and he was too impatient. I had never seen him like this.
"No Caleb, I'm not with him." I said, starting to feel exhausted.
"What are you instead? Just dating him?" He went on, not even close to be done. "See how it goes this time?"
"I'm just seeing him because I can't bear the thought of you and when I'm with him I don't think about anything." I told him honestly, my tone calm and tired. "I'm not doing it for him, I'm doing it for me. I know it's probably wrong and that I should be able to stay alone but I can't right now. I tried and all I could do was think about how much I had lost in my life and how much I missed you."
He stared at me and for the first time he looked like he was really processing my words. "How...what did I do wrong with you?" He asked eventually, slowly.
I slumped on the chair next to me and looked up at him. "Nothing. I can't really blame you for anything, you were nothing but amazing to me. But no matter how amazing you were and you still are, I can't commit to a man who doesn't want to commit. I know that you're free to have your opinion and I never wanted to force you or pressure you...we can't know what happens in the future but we can have wishes and dreams. You couldn't even give me a glimpse of a future where I could hope for this." I motioned to the wedding cake, feeling so sad all over again. I bit down on my lip and shook my head, "I don't even want to talk about it anymore."
"Tara-" He started and it was my turn to cut him off.
"I don't think we should work together anymore." I said even if it costed me a lot and I knew it'd get him mad. "It's too hard for me and it's not easier for you...it's just. Not working."
“That’s impossible.” Caleb said shaking his head. “Your bakery can’t move.”
I blinked and looked up at him. “Can’t it?” Of course not.
He shook his head and walked up closer to me. “No.” He said seriously. “I’ll back off Tara. You don’t need to start all over again.” He said, his words full of emotion.
“I don’t…” I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.
“What if I wanted more?” He asked, making me dart up to look at him.
“What?” I asked, not sure if he had really said the words. More?
“What if I wanted more.” He said again, letting everything I meant seep into those five words.
“Does it matter anymore?” I asked, blinking back at him.
“….I guess it doesn’t if you don’t want me.” He admitted.
“No…it’s just. Isn’t it too late now? Besides…you don’t really want me Caleb you just…..you don’t want to not have me either.”
“I do want you.” He said so seriously my eyes widened a little.
“What do you want?” I whispered, silently hoping for the right answer to come out of his mouth.
He walked up closer and cupped my face, making me remember how much I actually missed him. “I want a chance to know if this is real. If this does have a future. I’m not promising one because at this point that would be irresponsible. But I do know that you’re worth taking a risk I didn’t think I’d ever let myself take again.”
“Caleb…” I leaned into his palm and he pressed a kiss against my forehead.
“But I won’t share you with him.” He added. “I won’t share you with anyone.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
He turned around and cursed while I dropped the napkin I’d been holding and felt the color drain from my face. John. “I didn’t even see you come in.” Caleb told John, as he scratched the back of his neck.
“No you were too busy groping my girlfriend.” He accused, a look of shock and horror twisting his face.
“John-“ I started.
“No! Don’t you start with your John this John that bullshit Tara. What the fuck is going on?”
“First of all? I’m not your girlfriend anymore.” I said, my eyes narrowing. “Secondly he wasn’t groping me. What are you even doing here?!”
“I was here for the wedding and thought I’d drop off the rest of your sht!” He shouted, tossing a box roughly onto the nearest table.
“Oh.” I said and took a deep breath. “Thanks.”
“That’s it?! I walk into my cousin saying he doesn’t want to share you and neither of you have anything to say about it? What does that mean? Were you fucking him when we were together? Is that why you left?”
“No.” We both said at the same time, because if either of us knew anything it was that we had been broken up before we’d started sleeping together…..not that nothing had happened before hand….but he wasn’t asking about a few kisses.
“Then someone please tell him WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! NOW!!!”
I felt like fainting again, like this was only a bad dream. I was panicking. This was reality unfortunately and I had to react, that was when I reminded myself I was strong. "First of all? This is my bakery and you have no right to come here and start yelling at me. At us." I started, crossing my fingers that this would work. Damn John. He had never showed up here where we were together why did he have to now?! Just now when Caleb was finally opening up...he had a fucking awful timing.
"I have every right no do anything I want Tara." He narrowed his eyes on me and using that arrogant tone I hated so much.
"Not here." I replied harshly.
He ignored me completely, only pissing me off more, and turning to Caleb. As weird as it sounded he was the person I was worried about the most. I didn't care about myself, I didn't care about John, I cared about Caleb. "You better have an answer." He told him through clenched teeth.
"It's not how it seems." He said back, squaring his shoulders but I could see the look on his face. He was...guilty.
"We were just talking about work." I said the first thing coming through my mind, because I didn't know if we were ready to tell John the truth. And what truth? We didn't even know what we were. It was all so confusing.
"Work...ha!" He scoffed, "You two seemed quiet friendly."
"That's because we are friends." I said matter of factly. "I was telling him I got an offer from another person, I'm having a hard time with the bakery and this man is willing to help if I sell him a part of it. Caleb was trying to convince me not to and I was just agreeing but he was making it clear that once we're partners it's exclusive." I heard myself say. Dear god was this good enough? Was Caleb going to be mad at me? I was so tense it was hard not to shake
John blinked. Caleb tried not to react at all, which onl made me feel worse. “Since when are you friends?”
“Since I started the bakery John, you knew that….” I trailed off.
“I know he’s a man too. And men don’t want to be friends with women like you.” He retorted.
“That’s rich coming from you.” I replied, folding my arms over my chest.
“Tara.” He shook his head.
“You keep your hands off her.” He said seriously. "I know you Caleb. I know your type. Stay away from Tara.” He licked his lips.
“John stop.”
“No.” Caleb said over me.
John blinked at him. “No?” He asked.
“I’m not going to stay away from her just because of you.” He rose a brow.
“Caleb-“ I started.
“Shut up.” John glared at me and Caleb snapped.
“Hey! She is not your damn secretary John you can’t talk to her that way.”
John took a step closer to him, they were almost identical in height and he looked right into his eyes. I shivered. I didn't want them to start fighting, for real. “I always thought you had a thing for her.” He commented.
“I do.” He agreed. I was going to faint.
“Can we not do this right now?!” I asked.
“What are we doing Tara? You say you were talking about business but he had his hands on you. You look at him the way you used to look at me!”
“I-“
“It doesn’t matter how I feel.” Caleb replied, trying to save me from a conversation he knew I didn’t want to have. “She’s seeing someone else anyways.” He replied. Not such a great idea.
“What?” John turned to me. “My god, how many men are you dragging along?”
"That's not any of your business John we're not together anymore do you remember? Do you need me to tell you again why?" I retorted because I wasn't going to let him humiliate me. Oddly enough Caleb had more rights to ask me things than John.
"I didn't know you'd turn into-"
Caleb cut him off. "Don't offend her." He almost growled, getting protective which made my stomach flip in a good way but at the same time it could be suspicious.
John glared at his cousin. "Tara knows how to defend herself."
"I do and that why I want you out of here." I said seriously. "I'm working so please get out."
"Fucking unbelievable." He muttered, shaking his head as he headed outside but before he walked out he turned to us, pointing his finger at Caleb. "We're not done talking about this."
"Anytime you want." He shrugged nonchalantly but I knew it was all an act. This was bad.
An unreal silence fell in the room and it seemed like it was spinning for a moment. Then I ran to Caleb and wrapped my arms around him, letting out a deep sigh. He was right for me, this was where I belonged. "I'm sorry Caleb. And thank you." He tensed and didn't hug me back so I stepped back. "I...I didn't want to lie to John but I didn't know what to say either. I don't even know what we are...it's a complicated situation."
He stared at me and swallowed. "Why did you lie? Don't you want to be with me?" He asked, his voice as calm and warm as usual but I could hear a hint of insecurity. Maybe I was wrong though.
I bit down on my lip. "Yes." I said simply, feeling as if time stopped. The whole world stopped.
"Yes." He repeated and this time he was the one stepping towards him and wrapping his arm around me.
I didn't lose a second and smiled wide before crashing my body against him and kissing him hard. We still had to talk, sure, but I wanted to fell him against me first, I had missed him so much.
Caleb squeezed me against him. Before I could stop he had picked me up, wrapped my legs around his waist and pressed me up against the wall as he kissed me senseless.
“Caleb.” I moaned. Oh my god. This was happening.
“We should talk.” He said, pulling away breathlessly.
“Yeah we should…..” I agreed. “But also we have to deliver that cake.”
He groaned and kissed me again, soaking me in. “Okay.” He let me slide down his body slowly, making him groan as I bit down on my lip. “We do have to tell John.” He reminded me. “I won’t lie to him.”
“Do you ever lie?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
“Sure.” He shrugged. “But not about important things, like my girlfriend.” The word hung in the air almost echoing in my small bakery.
“Girlfriend.” I said softly.
“Yeah. Sounds weird to me too.” He agreed. “I mean….unless that’s not what you-“
I kissed him again. I had no doubts anymore. “It is what I want. I just never thought I’d hear you say it.” I smirked before heading to the back to get what I needed for the cake.
“Me either.” He admitted when I was back in the room. “I was serious before though Tara. I’m not sharing you.”
I nodded because not even for a second I could think about being with him and someone else. "I know you were...and you won't have to share me. If I'm yours I'm yours only." I said softly, smiling and cupping his scruffy cheek softly before closing my eyes and kissing him one more time.
He kissed me back, his hands gripping at my hips tightly, "You won't see Andy anymore...right?" He asked, sounding a little hesitant.
I took a deep breath. Only now a thought occurred me. Did he think I could ever cheat on him? Or was I having the wrong idea of what he was offering me? "What do you want?" I asked quietly to let him know I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to talk.
"You. With me." He answered simply as he stared deep into my eyes and in that exact moment I felt something inside of me change.
"So...a relationship. For real." I tried to say the thing he wasn't saying in so many words. He just nodded, which didn't help my case. "I want that too and I promise there will always be you and you only. I know you might have a hard time trusting me...because of my past..." I trailed off awkwardly, feeling a little ashamed. "I'd never cheat on you." I said eventually, feeling like an idiot for all the mistakes I had made.
Caleb held my face and ran his thumb against my cheek. “If I ever give you a reason to I probably deserved it.” He replied.
I shook my head. “I promise Caleb I won’t.”
“I believe you. I’m just saying….with John. Maybe you should have left him sooner, but your relationship ending wasn’t your fault. And me kissing you isn’t cheating.”
“I kissed back.” I replied, my voice sounding smaller.
“That’s not your fault. I’m a phenomenal kisser.” He teased and I widened me eyes before laughing at him.
“I always think you’re so serious and then you say something silly in the middle of a serious conversation.” I shook my head.
He grinned. “Are you implying that I’m not a good kisser?”
“No.” I laughed. “Help me load this to his car?”
“I don’t want to drop it.” He admitted. “I feel like dropping a wedding cake on the first day we get together is a bad omen or something.”
“You won’t drop it. You can pick me up!!!”
He grinned wolfishly at her. “Yeah but you’re not nearly as fragile as a cake.” He responded…..”Tell him.”
I blinked back at him. “What?”
“Tell him right now that you won’t come over. That you’re never coming over.” He replied.
I blinked again. “Are you talking about Andy?”
He nodded, his hands rolling into fists. Oh. “I hate that you went to him Tara.” He admitted. “I’m so jealous I can’t even think about it without getting angry.”
Seeing Caleb jealous was kind of a shock to me. He had never struck me like the jealous kind of guy. "I'm sorry I did. I knew it was a bad move but it's easy to fall into bad habits sometimes. I genuinely thought I wouldn't have gone down that road again but when we fought and we stopped talking..." I trailed off, shaking my head, the thought still a painful one even if we were okay now. More than okay. "He showed up and it was the easiest thing to do."
"I don't want to hear you talk about him anymore." He said darkly, his face so serious. So handsome. So intense.
"Okay." I breathed out thinking that yes I didn't want to piss him off on the first day of our relationship so it was better if I shut my mouth.
"Are you going to call him or what?" He asked, his patience running short again.
I nodded and reached for my phone, dialing his number. My heart beat so fast. I couldnt remember the last time I had talked to Andy about something serious, about us, everytime he disappeared and when he appeared again I never asked for an explanation. God only knew why I had always taken him back. I waited but got no answer. "He's not answering." I said simply, looking at Caleb. "It gets to his voicemail." I added and the expression on my man's face meant one thing only. He wanted me to say the words now. "Hi Andy it's me. I just called to tell you I can't see you later...or tomorrow. Or any other day. No need to call me back, bye." I said and hung up.
Caleb's chest expanded as he inhaled deeply. "Well said. I want him out of your life."
"Done already." I smiled. Then I gave him a serious look. There was something I had to ask him too. "I don't want you to see your ex wife anymore." I added candidly. It wasn't because I was jealous, more because she looked like a s.lut who had done nothing but made feel Caleb guilty for years. That had to stop.
“I don’t see her Tara.” Caleb argued.
“You do you meet for lunch!” I protested.
“Tara that was part of our divorce agreement. I can’t not do it.” He explained as I glared at him. It was so fucked up. He sighed. “I understand that I wouldn’t want it if the roles were reversed.”
“That’s ridiculous though! Why would any divorced couple want to see each other anyways!?”
“I- I wanted to be friends.” He shrugged.
“She wanted to keep you as backup sex more like it.” I pouted. I didn't really want that evil woman next to him.
He rose a brow as he smirked. “I told you already I haven’t slept with Selene for years.”
“Still.”
“What if I see if we can meet here for lunch? You can see there’s nothing going on.”
I folded my arms over my chest. I wasn't going to give up. “Sure. I’ll see if Andy wants to come too.”
He groaned. “I’ll talk to her.” He replied. “And I’ll talk to my lawyer.” He grimaced. John was his lawyer, of course. "Or I’ll find a new lawyer….” He trailed off.
“You’re thinking too hard….” I set my hand around his neck and nuzzled my face against it, deciding to give him a break.
“There’s so much against us.” He admitted. “It’s why you walked away in the first place.”
I nodded. “I know….but don’t you think we owe it to try anyways?”
He looked down into my eyes, “Yes. I do.”
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