10.04.2016

let me love you

I walked into my house quietly, closing the door behind me and expecting Lila to run to me any moment. I knew it was late but lately it was crazy at work and I had the feeling all I did was go to my office, eat and sleep, there wasn't much time left for anything else. There wasn't time at all. That was probably one of the reasons why the baby thing hadn't been brought up again, and I was more than fine with that, but just because I hadn't said a word about it it didn't mean I hadn't thought about it. I had. I had slowly and painfully realized it had been a big fat mistake, what had I been thinking? Lila was right. She was too young and she was obviously not ready to give up her life to raise a kid. She still had to explore the world, focus on her career, enjoy late nights and friends without having to think about a baby depending on her. I got that now. She still had so much to do and I was in no position to ask her to give up on her youth just because I had already done all those things and I was more than ready to be a father. It hadn't been fair, no matter how much I had wanted that. Walking around my house a bad feeling made my chest tight when I didn't find her anywhere, not in my bed, not in the kitchen, not in the bathroom. Where was she? Had she gone to her place? I went back outside and her car was still parked where I had last seen it this morning, I wondered if she had walked back home? But she would have told me...wouldn't she? What if she got back and didn't feel good. I grabbed my phone and called her, heading inside once again and freezing when I heard her phone going off. What the-
"Trav?" Came her voice, a barely audible whisper that I followed.
She was on the couch, buried under a pile of blankets and I mentally kicked my face for not having looked better. I needed to stop jumping to conclusions and worrying sick when it wasn't necessary.
I sat by her feet, my hand landing on her hip. "Hey baby." I bent over to kiss her forehead, "Are you okay?" I asked quietly, her health always my first concern.
"I got my period." She made a face as she rolled onto her side, "Ouch." She flinched, grabbing her stomach. Her period. I didn't even want to go there with my thoughts. Nope. Not the baby again. Not the lack of sex. Nothing. I wanted to think nothing.
"I'm sorry." I told her softly, knowing I couldn't do much to make her feel better. "Did you eat? Take meds? Do you want me to carry you upstairs?"
She let out a deep breath then gave me a soft smile. "I'm fine."
I nodded and placed a quick kiss on her lips before standing up again, "That's the only thing that matters." I commented quietly while I started getting rid of my tie for starters.
"How was your day?" She asked, her eyes on me.
"Hell." I answered dryly, making a face. I still loved my job, I really did, but now that I was back on working full time I felt as if my days were all the same, playing on a neverending loop. The only thing that made me feel better was the thought of coming back home to my girl, even if there were times when I was afraid I wouldn't find her home. I didn't even know why, it was irrational. "What about yours?" I asked back as I got rid of my jacket too, setting it on a chair and thinking about what I could make for dinner.
"I managed to finish Caleb's site before my cramps tried to kill me and I spent the rest of the day on your very comfortable couch." She gave me a small grin as she looked at me with those gorgeous eyes.
The combination of the way she was looking at me and her words made me grin myself. "I'm glad you feel comfortable."
She nodded and cuddled on her side, bringing her bent legs closer to her chest, "I didn't eat." She confessed softly.
"Lila." I glared at her.
"I had no strenght to do anything. I wasn't hungry either." She shrugged as she pouted. It worked.
"I'll make something as soon as I get out of these damn clothes." I sighed and kissed her before going upstairs, where I got changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. When I went back in the livingroom Lila wasn't on the couch anymore. I groaned and rolled her eyes, only to find her a moment later in the kitchen, blanket still wrapped around her tightly as she sat on a chair. I looked at her.
"Sexy, uh?" She asked with a silly smirk on her pink lips that looked even more pink against her very pale skin.
I chuckled, shaking my head, "Sure babe, super sexy." I teased her then opened the fridge, hoping to find, I don't know, a roasted chicken? A steak? It was basically empty. Fuck me I hadn't even had time to go grocery shopping. How could I find time for a baby if I couldn't even find time to buy food? I tried to convince myself.
"Call Kolton and order our usual." Lila suggested from behind me.
"Good idea." I sighed, closing the fridge after grabbing a beer. I called her brother, placed the order, then focused on my girl. I picked her up, holding her in my arms as I sat on the same chair she was sitting on a few seconds before. "I'm tired." I confessed, nuzzling her neck and closing my eyes, also feeling really frustrated. Here we went again, frustration was back to be my best friend.
“You’re working a lot.” Lila pointed out, running her fingers through my hair.
“Yeah.” I pulled away and sipped on my beer, scratching the back of my neck and then cracking it side to side. I need to fucking relax.
“Should I hire a masseuse for you?” She asked.
I narrowed my eyes but still had a tiny smile. “Maybe.”
She licked her lips, making a thoughtful face. “I can buy some groceries tomorrow, I have a meeting in the city and I can stop at the store on the way back.”
“Do you know how to get to a grocery store?” I asked with mock shock.
She narrowed her eyes and then threw a piece of my mail at me that was sitting on the counter. “Ha ha ha.” She sang as I laughed and threw what was probably junk mail away. “Travis.” She said softly, wanting my full attention apparently.
I blinked up at her from going through the rest of my mail. “Mm?”
“Um. You’re reminding me I need to go get the mail from my place. I’m sure it’s piling up.” She replied but it didn't sound convincing, as if it wasn't what she wanted to tell me. She seemed to forget that I knew her better than anyone esle.
“Something tells me that wasn’t what you were going to say.” I replied.
She swallowed and took a deep breath, pulling the blanket around her tighter. “I was going to talk about the thing we’re not talking about.” She said finally.
I narrowed my eyes on her. “What?”
She leaned in and kissed my nose for no apparent reason than being cute when I was obviously not liking where this conversation was going. “If we had a baby now we’d have to be better at making food.” She said finally.
“Lila.” I sighed.
“But he or she would be pretty cute playing on the floor.” She nodded towards the living room.
“Cute is no reason to have a baby.” I replied softly, not even trying to picture a baby Lila or a baby me all over my house.
“We both work so much.” She replied, ignoring that because that was her thing.
“I know.” I said back.
“Do you believe in nannies?” She asked. “We have the money for full time help.”
I wrinkled my face. “Nannies?” No. No nannies and no kids.
“I know we didn’t have them growing up but we were in different circumstances.”
“Lila. It doesn’t matter. We’re not trying.” I said in a final tone because I didn't really want to talk about this again.
She licked her lips, thoughtful face on again. “Do you want to live here forever?” She asked me.
I shrugged. “Unless one of us gets a job somewhere else.”
She smiled, but I had no idea of why. “I mean in this house. It’s nice but it’s not huge.”
I blinked up at her, I was completely lost. “Since when do you want a huge house?”
She shrugged. "I mean the closet in my place is bigger.” She teased. “But if….when we start a family..”
“Lila.” I warned.
“What if I have triplets or something!”
I actually smirked at that because I knew she wasn't serious. “You’re too small to have triplets.”
She snorted. “You’re right I’d probably explode.” She agreed.
“You should move in here.” I said simply. That made sense to me and she basically lived here already.
“What?” She blinked up at me.
“I’ll build you a bigger closet.” I replied. “Or I’ll pay someone to.”
“Like permanently?” She blinked.
“Yeah, you already live here, why bother paying a mortgage you don’t need?”
She shook her head, processing my words. “Like sell my house?”
I shrugged, bracing myself to hear another no. Even though I remembered clearly what she had said the other night, that there were steps in our relationship we still had to take before having a baby and I thought living together was one of them. Not that I was asking her because of that, at all. "It's up to you. It's your house, you can do whatever you want with it." I answered simply.
She stared at me as if I had grown two heards overnight. "Are you serious?" She asked slowly.
At that, I groaned. "Damn Lila, yes. I'm probably the most serious man on earth, remember?"
She chuckled, surprising me once again. What else could I expect from her? I had no idea. "That's true." She let out a sigh and her expression went back to the shocked one. "I'm asking you because when we first got together you made it abundantly clear that you wanted your space and your independence..." She trailed off, lost in the memories.
"That was forever ago." I dismissed her words simply as I leaned back in the chair, my body relaxed because...I don't know. Maybe I was ready for her to say no, call it self-defense.
"Three years isn't forever ago." She pointed out even though it was completely irrelevant. "And you're still the same man."
I yawned, wondering why our food wasn't already here. I was hungry and dying to get into bed. "I am and honestly I thought I'd want my space for longer, that the thought of you living here would scared me. But I think that with the accident it just happened, you've been living here with me for months now and it's going pretty well. I don't want to change that, I want you to stay always." I explained to her, for once not holding back. Moving in was still very different from having a baby though.
She broke into a big smile, excitement dancing into her eyes. "I'm...I'm kind of speechless Trav."
"That would be a first." I commented teasingly.
She glared and hit me playfully. "I'm really surprised. You...oh god this is insane. I'd never thought you'd say those words." She shook her head but the smile was back in place.
I smiled with her, thinking that maybe for once I was getting what I wanted without arguing. Maybe for once we wanted the same thing. "Is that a yes?" I tried carefully.
She threw her arms around my neck, squeezing me tight. "Yes!" She squealed and pulled back to kiss me.
I tangled my hand into her hair, keeping her in place and deepening the kiss, taking my time and savouring her.
"When?" She asked in a breathy voice when we broke the kiss.
"Uh, now?" I raised one eyebrow at my weird girlfriend. She already lived here. "We can go get your stuff this weekend or I don't know, we can make room for your clothes and shoes first. It's up to you, I'll do what I can." I shrugged because it seemed pretty easy to me.
Lila grabbed her phone, grinning wide. What was she doing now? I couldn't keep up with her. “Where’s my sister?” She asked and I knew then that it was JAx she was talking to.
“Not even a hello? You’ve been hanging out with Travis for too long.” My brother said and I chuckled since I could hear through the phone. “Babe!!! Lila’s on the phone.”
“Hi!” She said, sounding a little out of breath and she glanced at the clock. “I need to hire you.” She said happily.
I grinned as someone rang the bell. Probably our food. I got up but I still could hear Lila talk.
“And Jax actually. But I’ll save that for later. I’m selling my house.” So she was selling it. “I know! Means it’ll sell quickly.”
Then a pause, that I used to pay the guy at the door.
“I’m moving in here. I live here anyways and-“ She cut herself off. “Are you crying?!’
I rolled my eyes as I made my way back to the kitchen. Women.
“Perfect. Give Will and Ruby kisses from me.” She hung up as I came with the food.
“That was fast.” I replied, grinning at her as I set the food onto plates and grabbed her a beer.
“I have to be homeless quick before you change you mind.” She replied, digging into her salad.
“I’m not going to.” I raised one eyebrow at her. She had no faith in me.
“I feel like you seriously underestimate the amount of shoes I own.”
I laughed. “You’ve gotten along just fine with the 3 pairs you have here. Maybe we’ll just get rid of them all.”
She widened her eyes and pointed her fork at me. “Such language!!!!!” She shook her head. “That’s never happening.”
“As long as you’re here I don’t care about shoes or clothes or anything.” I said honestly and she sighed, giving me a weird look. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, raising a brow as I cut into my steak.
“Like what?” She blinked innocently but I knew better.
“I don’t know. What are you thinking about silly girl?”
She shrugged. “Nothing.” She blushed and turned to her food.
My brow stayed in place as I chewed. The more I stared at her more her cheeks went red. Nothing my ass. "Do you think it's a good idea to lie straight in my face when I just told you you can move all your shoes here?" I said, keeping the moment light even I was serious about the lying part. Lies weren't allowed, ever.
She shrugged again. "I was thinking that I'd gladly jump you right now but I'm on my period." She answered finally but changed the subject just as quickly. "I can't believe I'm living here."
"You're silly." I sighed as I kept eating, pausing only to drink my beer. This wasn't something I was going to be used to, it was something I was already used to. There was no turning back to this point and I was oddly okay with that.
"This is our first night in our house instead!" She protested, eyes wide.
I couldn't help it, I laughed. "You're completely out of your mind baby."
"Seriously!!" She pouted at me.
I stopped laughing and shot her an amused look. "Sure." I nodded. "Should I put your name on the mailbox to make it more official?" I teased her.
The smile she gave me was a breathtaking one, the kind that made me want to keep her this happy always and also the one that reminded me how different she was when she cried because of me. Like the other night. "I think you should." She said softly.
"Consider it done." I winked at her, taking a sip of beer. "Any other request?"
"I dunno if I should push my luck...." She trailed off, her eyes shining as she smirked.
"You can always try." I smiled back at her.
"What about you give me a massage later?" She asked.
I laughed again. "Not happening."
She shrugged and sighed before finishing her salad. "I can't say I didn't see that coming."
I scooted closer to her, reaching out to push a blonde wisp of hair behind her ear. "So you think your brothers will be okay with us living together?" I asked more seriously.
She blinked, looking taken aback. "Since when do you care about my brothers opinion?"
"I don't really. But I know you do, so that's why I'm asking." I answered honestly.
“I care about what they think, but not like that. If they have a problem with me living with my long term boyfriend they can suck it.” Lila said seriously but I knew better. Their opinion was really important for her.
“But you think they will have a problem with it?”
She shrugged. “I can’t see why. I’m living here basically already. It’s not like they think I’m a virgin.” She laughed and thought about it a little more. “Parker and Reece are the only ones that could really have the issue I think.”
“Because Reece has issues about everything.” I grumbled, not hiding how I didn't like the guy, but it was nothing new.
“And Parker has always felt like the Dad since he’s the oldest.” She went on.
I nodded. “Can I ask you a question?” She sipped her beer and nodded, so I went on. “Have any of your brothers ever been in a relationship….ever?”
“Parker had a girlfriend in high school, but they broke up when they went to college. Derrick “dated” one of his co-stars for a year but I’m pretty sure that was mostly just for publicity.” She sighed.
“What?” The idea was disgusting. And they hated me when they were worse than me. Unbelievable.
“Hollywood.” She shrugged again. “Reece was engaged.” She admitted, running her hand through her hair.
I looked up, interested. “What happened?”
“She was an informant for a group of drug dealers that Reece’s precinct was investigating. She blew up his heart and almost ruined his career. I was pretty young when that happened though.”
“That doesn’t sound real. Did that happen in real life or on Derricks TV show?” I asked because I swear her family was just...unbelievable.
She laughed and shook her head. “No it really happened. She was a damn good actress though if she could make Reece fall in love and dupe him for so long.”
“Did you meet her?” I asked.
She nodded. “Once when they came to dinner to announce their engagement. I was…12 or 13 probably. It was right after dad died.”
I shook my head. Poor man. But. “I still don’t like him.”
“He needs therapy. And a girl to actually love him. But if he has a problem with us living together I don’t care what you say to him.” She said seriously and I grinned at her, almost hoping he'd say something. “Within reason.” She added.
“What about you mom?” I asked more seriously because I respected her mom. She was such a nice sweet woman.
“Mom just wants us all to be happy. You make me happy. Being here….home….makes me happy.”
I leaned over and kissed her, a little soft, a little hard and she melted just like she had the first time I’d pressed my lips against hers. “I love you.” I said against her lips.
She smiled. “Can we get a puppy?” She asked.
What the fuck. “No.” I shook my head.
“What about a cat?”
“Fuck no.” I grabbed our empty dishes and started to rinse them.
“Guinea pig?” She questioned.
“What?!” I laughed.
“It would be good practice!!!!” She exclaimed.
I shot her an amused look. "Practice for what? Do you want to open a zoo?" I asked her as I put everything away and finished tidying up the kitchen.
"No." She said and blushed. And I got it. For a baby. Nope. Big fat no because pets were very different from babies and because it wasn't going to happen anyway. "Jax and Colbie are getting one soon." She added with a pout.
"Perfect! You can babysit their guinea pig or whatever." I grinned and opened the window of my kitchen before lighting a cigarette, leaning my ass against the sill as I looked at her.
She rolled her eyes but was chuckling, "A dog, not a guinea pig." She pointed out.
I smirked even wider, "Still." I shrugged.
She leaned her elbow against the kitchen table, staring back at me, "Don't you like dogs?" She asked.
"I do. I even had one when I was little." I answered nonchalantly, "But I already have you, I don't need any other cute animal running around this house."
"Travis!!" She protested but burst into a laugh. Adorable.
I killed my cigarette and walked back to her, bending over to kiss her nose, "You're all I need."

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