“Trav?” Lila called out from the bedroom as sson as I closed the door of my house behind me.
I walked upstairs quickly, worried already. “Are you okay?” I asked, holding my breath. I had started going into work a few weeks ago, but not for the whole day, and today was the first day I had been gone for a full 12 hours. She had even driven myself to physical therapy, which was huge.
“I’m okay.” She nodded as I peeked in my head. “If I work too long on the couch I get sore and your bed is so comfy.” She sighed as I pulled my tie off and set it on a hook in my closet along with my suit jacket. “I like this show.” She grinned, watching as I unbuttoned my collar and rolled up the sleeves of my blue dress shirt.
I walked upstairs quickly, worried already. “Are you okay?” I asked, holding my breath. I had started going into work a few weeks ago, but not for the whole day, and today was the first day I had been gone for a full 12 hours. She had even driven myself to physical therapy, which was huge.
“I’m okay.” She nodded as I peeked in my head. “If I work too long on the couch I get sore and your bed is so comfy.” She sighed as I pulled my tie off and set it on a hook in my closet along with my suit jacket. “I like this show.” She grinned, watching as I unbuttoned my collar and rolled up the sleeves of my blue dress shirt.
“I’m shocked.” I gave her a trademark grin and then slid onto the bed next to her, eyeing her macbook. “Why do you have last year’s model?” I asked, scrolling through her faux site which I supposed was for Caleb absentmindedly. “This is really good.”
She grabbed her computer back. “Of course it’s good!” She grumbled. “And my laptop works fine I don’t need a new one every year.”
“I thought you were in a good mood.” I pointed out slowly.
“I like it better when you’re stripping.”
Travis laughed and pulled her into my lap. “We have that in common.”
She grinned and leaned down to kiss me, my hands running up her back and into her hair until she could barely breathe. That was the effect I wanted to have on her, always.
“Did you have a good day?” She asked against my lips and no matter how irrelevant that question could sound, I loved that she asked.
I nodded. “I got a lot done.” I ran my thumb across her thigh. “What about you? Did you get to therapy and back okay?”
She nodded. “I had to get in the car 15 minutes before I had to leave to convince myself to actually start the car, but once I was driving it was okay. My car drives super smooth.” She added, grinning. “Thank you for that.”
I grinned up at her, caressing her thighs. "Why are you thanking me for that I didn't make your car."
She rolled her eyes, smirk still in place though. "Not what I meant smartass. You bought me that car, remember?"
"Ah yeah." I pulled her closer to me, nuzzling her neck and inhaling her sweet scent. "I remember that now. You don't need to thank me though."
She cuddled against me, going completely limp in my hold. "I love my car."
"Damn right you do." I removed her from me gently and set her back on the empty spot next to me before I got up.
"Where are you going exactly?" She looked up at me and frowned.
"Nowhere, I'm just getting changed." I shot her an amused look, taking off my clothes. "How did therapy go?"
She shrugged, checking me out shamelessly and I let her. "It was okay. I think I'm almost all good now."
I got into a pair of sweats then joined her back into bed, no matter if it was still early and I needed to shower and eat, I wanted some time with my baby first. "You're a strong little thing." I smiled at her as I reached for her body once again, "And I'm proud of you starting driving alone again."
She beamed at me. "I'm proud of myself too." She said then frowned a little again as she broke eye contact to stare at my chest apparently. "But I don't know if I want to do that again next time. It was really stressful." She confessed, sounding so little and looking so fragile.
I knew the signs of the accident hadn't gone away completely like the bruises she had had on her porcelain skin, just like I knew I had to help her with her mental recover. I didn't want her to be scared of anything, but if she was, I'd always be there to protect her. "But you made it and that's what it counts. I'm sure next time will be better and it will take you less than 15 minutes to convince yourself to start the car."
"Maybe." She shrugged and closed her eyes.
"You know that if you want I'll drive you." I added cautiously, caressing her cheek carefully. "But I know that you can do that by yourself."
She let out a deep breath and I felt her relax against me. "I'm happy you're home." She whispered.
I kissed her forehead, her nose, then her lips. "I am too. I missed you." I confessed. I had become so used to stay home with her that now the 12 hours working in my office felt like forever. Home. This was my house, had been for years now, with Lila staying all day everyday now it it felt more home than it did before though.
"Don't get too clingy Mr Cole, it doesn't suit you." She peeked one eye open as her lips widened into a teasing smirk.
"I'm going to ignore what you just said." I grinned back at her as my hands traveled down to cup her ass and parts of me awakened. Like my dick. God knew how long it had been from the last time I had fucked her long and hard, just like I liked it, but after the accident she was in no physical condition to do pretty much anything and in all honestly I was too afraid to hurt her. We were doing other things, soft ones if you could call them that, and I was dying to bury myself inside of her again. The fact that I had been resisting and behaving for so long only proved how much I loved this young woman. "God I missed you. I miss you so damn much." I added in a growl, biting down on her neck and squeezing her fine ass into my hands. A man could still dream.
She got the memo even if my words were unspoken and wrapped her leg around my waist as a quiet moan escaped her. "I'm here and you can have me." She tangled her hands into my hair, "The doctor said I'm fine. I'm mostly healed...I miss you too Trav."
At those words I pulled my head back. "Really?" I asked slowly because I wanted to be sure it was one hundred percent safe for her.
She looked up into my eyes as she bit her lip. "Super really. The only thing is I'm still taking meds and I can't mix those with my pill so we should use a condom." She explained and didn't hide her enthusiasm.
"Fuck that shit I don't want to use a damn condom, I want to feel you." I growled, pressing her against me as hard as I could. Then stilled when I realized what I had just said. No condom no pill no anything meant yes risk. But was that really to be considered a risk? Weren't risks other things? Like getting into a car accident was a risk to your life, having a baby at 33 was pretty normal instead. Or at 25 in Lila's case.
"That will have to wait a little longer impatient man of mine." She chuckled, tangling her legs with mine. "For now a condom will do."
I stared at her and shook my head slowly, my heart expanding in my chest as if I was finally ready to love more. "Nope. I don't want to use a condom. I want to make a baby with you." I said quietly, the idea thrilling me as soon as the words left my mouth, completely unfiltered. After Karlie I thought I'd never be ready again. I was now and I hoped Lila was too.
She started laughing underneath me, her hands pulling at my sweatpants. “Yeah let’s do that.” She chuckled, stretching to press her mouth against my neck, more than impatient herself too.
“Lil.” I tilted her head up, grinning at her but using a soft tone.
“I swear I’m fine Trav you won’t break me. Now come on I bought condoms on the way home from the doctor so-“
“Lila.” I blinked at her, because she had no know I wasn't kidding, she knew how babies were a touchy subject for me after what had happened with my ex. “I was serious. I don’t want to use condoms with you.” I nuzzled my head into her neck.
“Well I don’t either baby but-“
“I want to have a baby with you.” I said it again and my voice was so serious that I was 100% percent sure she'd get the message.
She shook her head a couple of times and then looked back at me, looking down at her and waiting for her reaction. “That’s crazy Travis.” She said finally, voicing exactly what she was thinking.
“What’s crazy about it?” I questioned then started talking freely. It was easy. “We’re in love, we have good jobs, we-“
“No! Stop! You can’t spring parenthood on me out of the blue. Not liking birth control is not a good reason to have kids.”
“That’s not-“ I narrowed my eyes because that wasn't why. Okay condoms weren't my fave but did she really think I'd make a baby just to avoid them?
She growled and I honestly didn't know why she was being so annoyed. “If we’re not going to have completely protected sex right now? Get off of me so I can get some food.” She replied curtly.
I stared at her, my hands gripping her tight and not letting her go as my heart beat in my chest like a hammer. I felt it all, the anger, the disappointment, the hurt even, but it all went silenced by something else I knew a little too well. All my emotions closed off on theirselves, a cold fury lacing them all together and keeping them at bay. Nothing was going to happen on the outside, while I was exploding on the inside in a silent detonation. "Is that what you want?" I asked her in a voice that sounded so little like my own, too quiet and too flat to be normal.
She sighed and forced a small smile, I guessed she wasn't really getting how I was being. "Yes Trav, I want you and you only, nothing else." She said and with that she meant no babies.
I just nodded while I detached my body from my thoughts and feeling, my hands grasping her clothes to undress her as fast as I could, my eyes taking her glory nakedness in but never once meeting her stare. She was already moaning when I kissed her soft skin, exploring her chest, her stomach and her every inch of her that I already knew by memory.
"Your lips feel so good." She whispered, arching her back when my hips met hers and she ground them against me impatiently as I took one of her breasts into my mouth. "I missed this." She added and tangled her fingers with my hair.
I swallowed the lump I had in my throat and kept silent, instead I rocked against her, only groaning quietly as my brain went completely blank. I wanted to scream and ease the pang of betrayal I was feeling in my chest, only I didn't because I was too proud for that. I wasn't good when I got mad, I was really good at fucking girls instead.
She let go of my hair to use her hands to push my sweaters past my hips as my mouth moved to her neck to suck on her skin. "I want you so bad Trav." She let out another moan the moment my teeth sank into her flash.
I pulled back and turned my head, looking around the room, "Where are the condoms?" I asked in a low voice.
"First drawer." She breathed out and let out a disappointed moan when I got up.
I found the box and took out one of those damn condom, ripping the foil with my teeth before easing the condom onto my hard dick. It felt awful. I couln't even remember the last time I had used one, probably with some random girl before Lila. "Roll on your stomach." I told her hoarsely, climbing on the bed again.
She widened her eyes a little then smirked and did as told, spreading her legs too. "I'm so impatient." She moaned when I hovered over her, each of my hands going by the sides of her head while I adjusted myself between her legs.
Closing my eyes, I lowered my body enough for my hips to meet her ass, then rolled my hips forward to enter her in one swift thrust. My chest grew tighter and my head bowed down, my forehead barely touching her nape. "Lila." Was all I could say as she stretched around me, but it didn't compare to the other times, not even a bit.
Her hands closed, fisting the sheets as a loud moan escaped from her throat. "Oh my god." She stilled before relaxing again. "More Trav."
I obliged as asked, picking a steady pace as I fucked her, no sounds in the room but her moans and the crashing of our bodies together, my groans went swallowed along with my anger while I thrusted inside of her with a desperation that couldn't be soothed.
My hand landed against her ass with a sharp crack and her body arched and she called out.
“Travis…” She choked out and I was grateful I couldn't see her face right now. I didn't need to see her face, I just needed to get lost or I wouldn't survive.
“So damn tight…” I grumbled from above her, one hand reaching up to cup her breast, tug at her nipple while I shifted to hit that spot I knew made her lose her mind. She shook with the physical pleasure, but She needed more, needed the emotional connection that I’d never had with anyone but him.
“I love you.” She choked out. “I love you so much.” She moved her body with mine, finding that perfect synch. I grumbled and arched my hips. “Don’t use me like this…” She begged softly, her voice breaking just a little. Travis sunk my head into her neck, sinking my teeth into her shoulder.
Her words cut me like a knife. I wasn't being fair to her but she wasn't being fair to me wither. “You’re using me too.” I said into her skin.
“I don’t want us to ever be just about sex again Travis. I can’t go back there. It wasn’t enough.” She breathed out, having a hard time talking since I was pounding inside of her relenlessly.
“It’s not enough.” I agreed, reaching my hand down to press against her clit so perfectly that she came apart in a second, breaking in my arms, while I sped up and buried inside of her when I came but it was just so different, so depressing.
“Travis.” She whispered, her voice breathy as she shook her head. I didn't know why and I didn't want to know.
“Aren’t you hungry?” I said monotonously, pulling out of her and standing up to discard the condom before pulling my sweats back on and walking out of the room, not even waiting for her answer because I needed the distance. I walked back into the bedroom on a second thought, only to grab a t-shirt. "What do you want to eat?" I asked in the same monotone, not able to even look at her. What we had done, what I had done, had been awful. Awful. I thought that fucking her like that would ease some of my frustration, it had only made me feel worse instead. It was just sad, worst time I had been inside of her, ever.
"A sandwich." She answered quietly, "I'll make it myself."
"No." I spat and just walked out, heading downstairs and finally putting the physical distance I needed between Lila and I. It wasn't even enough, to be honest I wanted her out of my house, I couldn't look into her eyes, I didn't want to talk to her either, but at the same time I couldn't bear the thought of her alone at her place instead. Also I was perfectly aware that if I pushed her away, for real, there would be no turning back from there and no matter how fucking furious I was I didn't want that. Unless she didn't want babies ever. I hoped this wasn't the case or I'd be done with relationships for good. I survived Karlie, I couldn't survive Lila though. Was she too young? Was that the reason? I thought that we had made huge steps in the right direction lately, that the big scare of her accident had brought us even close, apparently I was wrong, since we were back to her fucking laughing in my face. The more I thought about it the angrier I got.
I shook my thoughts away, trying to focus on making a decent sandwich for Lila while considering what could make me feel better. A ride on my bike? No I was too nervous. A drink? Nope. I'd end up shit faced and I worked tomorrow. Going to the gym and punching a bag sounded good instead.
"What are you thinking?" Lila's voice broke the silence.
I hadn't even noticed she was there. I set the sandwich on a plate then grabbed her a glass and everything she could need before moving everything on the table. "I made you your favorite." I said instead, not answering to her and lighting a cigarette.
I felt her eyes on me but I ignored them, no matter how hard it was. I didn't want her to look into my eyes and read the hurt and disappointment. "Aren't you eating?" She tried again.
"I'm not hungry." I answered and stepped outside into the porch, knowing how she hated when I smoked. That, and I couldn't think about anything I could tell her to make this situation better. I needed to be alone and quiet.
After a bunch of minutes she walked out to the porch, not giving me what I needed once again. “Will you share?” Lila asked softly.
I didn’t even turn. “You don’t smoke.”
She reached for my cigarettes and lighter, grabbing one and lighting it before setting it against her lips. “I think I need one.” She replied. We stood there, not talking. I knew she wanted to like I knew she knew I didn't want to. Any other moment I'd tell her not to smoke, but right now I just wanted to be alone.
“Travis.” She said finally, breaking the silence.
“Lila, not now.” I warned her.
“Yes now.” She replied, firmly but still soft.
“Lil.” I growled again.
“Listen.” She said, her voice cracking and tears filling her eyes. Oh for fuck's sake. “Either we talk or I’m leaving because I need to talk to someone and I want it to be you. You’re my partner Travis. Nothing is more important to me than you.”
“But you don’t want to have her baby.” I said curtly, because that was the truth.
She swallowed and ran her hand through her hair. “I didn’t think you were serious!” She said like the idiot she wasn't.
I turned on her, fury and pain laced in my voice. “Why in the fuck would I joke about something like THAT!?” I asked.
“I’m sorry Travis, you just sprung it on her and I wasn’t thinking I was just…” She trailed off lamely, she didn't have anything right to say, so that was why I wanted her to say nothing at all.
“Just thinking about sex?! Even though you want more than that right?” I growled.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “If you were so angry with me or so serious why the hell did you do it?! Why didn’t you talk to me why didn’t you tell me you were upset!?”
“You knew it Lila!!!” I raised my voice, I couldn't help it. It wasn't like we had started dating yesterday, she knew me, everything about me.
She shook her head and ran her hands through her hair once again. “How can you just decide you want a baby?! We’re still so young….we’re so new.”
“New? We’ve been together for years!” I replied the obvious. “And not so young either.”
“Travis there is so much more we have to do before we’re ready to start a family!” She retorted. “And bringing it up like that….”
“It wasn’t out of nowhere!” I yelled.
“I’m sure it wasn’t in your own head but I can’t read your mind!!! God Travis please stop yelling, stop being angry, if you’re serious about this….explain it to me!! TALK to me!!!! Because if it’s really what you want then we have to start being better at this!” She said, motioning between us.
“You LAUGHED Lila.” I almost spit the words in her face. “Laughed!!”
She sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that was my first reaction but for me it did come out of nowhere!!!! I mean fuck Travis we don’t even LIVE together, we still lead relatively separate lives…are you sure you want to give all that up?”
"Give up what?!" I spat back and my tone was still pretty high, I couldn't help it. If she wanted to talk, this was what she was going to get. "And what the fuck do you mean with relatively separate lives?! GOD do you even hear yourself?"
She shook her head as she shut her eyes tight, "Travis stop yelling!" She pleaded, her voice pained and I didn't even care. For once I had no faults.
I smashed the butt of my cigarette into the ashtray, tempted to grab it and threw against something, anything. "Even if I do it doesn't change what I'm saying." I spat, not even trying to control my voice.
"If you don't stop I'm leaving." She said quietly.
I just stared at her, waiting for her to grow the balls to open her eyes and say that again while she looked at me. "What did you just say?" I asked darkly.
She swallowed then finally opened her eyes, "I don't want to fight you. If you want to fight me...I can't do it. I have to leave."
"If you leave now, I swear to God Lila, you're going to regret this." I said between clenched teeth, taking a step closer to her as I bore my eyes into hers. I was absolutely sure that if she tried running like she had done in the past? I wouldn't go after her. Not again.
"Then don't fight me." She breathed out as she took a step back, as if she was almost scared of me. I kept quiet for a moment, so many thoughts inside my head that I was having a hard time keeping track of them all. "You didn't answer me." She added in a whisper.
I let out a bitter laugh, "Answer to what? Your stupid question about giving up on things I should give up?" I ran a hand through my hair and the pain I felt into my chest was so acute I had to break eye contact. "You're just full of shit Lila." I muttered.
"What?" She looked at me as if I had just slapped her in the face.
"I'd give up everything for you, imagine what I'd give up for a son or a daughter. I'm full of flaws and I know it but when it comes to sacrifice I'm real good. Didn't I stay home with you for damn weeks after your accident? Did I even complain about that?" I asked even though, really, it wasn't a question. "And what exactly I should give up if we had a kid?"
She listened to me carefully and in all honestly she looked terrified. "We don't even live together, we wouldn't have our independence." She said weakly. Because it was weak.
"Oh really. We don't live together." I retorted flatly, raising one eyebrow, my anger only getting worse as I went on even if my voice was lower than before. "Where did you live for the last three months Lila? Because if I remember it right you were in my house, in my bed, every day. Always. And we still managed to be independent even if you could't even get up from the fucking bed! I went out of my own house to let you have time with your family and even friends when you needed it! I don't care if I won't be able to go out every weekend because I have a baby to take care for, everyone's around us is moving on so that's bound to happen anyway! How can't you see that our lives are already tied together so tightly, fuck!" I was mad again, cursing and punching the wall because I felt as if I was going insane. Had I imagined all that? I had never put too much thought into the changes of my life lately but now that I stopped to analize it it was so clear. Maybe Lila didn't want that, maybe she really was too young.
“My god look how angry you are!” Lila exclaimed, shaking her head. “Did I do this? You look like you want to throw something, hit something. How could you be so mad at me for having doubts about something that would change our entire lives?” She asked softly.
I just glared at her. “Having doubts about us.” I corrected.
“No!! Travis having a child is something that MARRIED COUPLES even have to discuss before they jump into it! And yes I’ve lived here for months and yes you’ve taken care of me and yes of COURSE I think you would drop everything if we had a baby. But I don’t know if I’m ready!” She paused as tears ran down her face, "I don’t know if I’m ready to change who we are, I don’t know if I’d be any good at it, and yes I don’t know if WE are ready. I DO have doubts. I’m sorry that makes you so mad but I can’t change how I feel. You might have had this in your mind for a while but not me! This is HUGE how can you not see that!!”
“If you don’t want kids-“ I started after processing her words.
“I don’t know!!!!” She exclaimed. “I mean yes….yes I want a family and yes I know you’re the one I want to be the father of my children but I’m only 25! I have a career that’s just picking up and we both know that you’re going to get a job offer in New York any day now.”
“This is all bullshit Lila! Jax just started a new company and Colbie runs her own business and has a teenage son and they’re raising Ruby!” I retorted because bringing up work as an excuse was just that, an excuse.
“THEY HAD NO CHOICE!!! I’m not saying that we CAN’T do it!” She went on, set on being right as usual. “You’re talking about making a choice to change both of our lives and you’re furious that I want to think about it?!”
“You’re not thinking about it Lila you just laughed!!!!” I yelled again.
“If this is how angry you get at me for this?! How about when our son laughs at you when you ground him? Or what happens if our daughter gets drunk at a party or one of them gets suspended? Are you going to treat them like you’re treating me now?! If I’m the person you want to have your children do you think yelling at me is the right way to do it?”
Now, that was low. She had seen me around kids, around my niece and nephew, I was a man that when got angry got realy angry, but I was good with kids. She knew that. "If you don’t want this there’s nothing I can say to change your mind.”
The tears fell harder down her face and she wiped her eyes. “I have to go.” She said.
“Don’t you dare.” I warned her.
“I need to talk to someone who won’t make me feel worse!!!! I need to feel loved!!!!” She screamed at me.
"And you don't feel loved?! Don't I love you enough?!" I screamed back at her, my voice matching her as I bored my flaming eyes into hers, our faces just inches apart as I fisted my hands. "Fuck Lila I love you more than my own life!!!!"
"Then why are you attacking me like this?!" She yelled then a loud sob escaped her throat and she covered her face, crying more desperately than before.
"Because you don't understand!" I told her, running my hands through my hair.
"I can't stay here. I have to go." She chocked out as she tried to control the tears that were still streaming down her face and reddening her gorgeous eyes.
I looked at her a moment. "If you go away now..." I trailed off but I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. The thought alone killed me. I couldn't say it out loud because it wouldn't be fair. I was really afraid that if she went away I wouldn't find the strength to get her back.
"What? What will you do? Get even more mad than you already are? Why should I stay?" She asked, her voice coming out with sighs as her whole body trembled and her chest heaved up and down fast.
I swallowed, trying to calm myself as much as I could even though if I knew that once I killed the anger I'd have to deal with something worse. Hurt. "Because this is where you belong. Here, with me." I said and pointed to my house.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, "You don't even want to talk to me. Talk for real, without yelling." She choked on her words.
"So what you're going to run? Again?" I asked her and this time my voice was calm, for real. I was freaking out on the inside. I didn't want to lose her.
"Not if you give me another choice, not if you stop being so mad a moment and try to understand me." She said back, biting down on her lip and torturing it.
I fought the urge to touch her, because I had to preserve myself. "You should try to understand me too." I said lowly then shook my head. Fuck that, I didn't even want to be understood. What was the point really when she had voiced her opinion loud and clear. "Get inside, please."
"I know you're still mad." She whispered but followed me back into my living room, thank god. "I just want to talk Trav."
I slumped on a chair, my eyes following her as she sat down on the couch, the distance between us killing me. "Talk. I'm listening." I said simply.
She sucked in a breath, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. "I want to know what you're thinking, why you asked me that...where all this came from." She managed to say in a barely audible whisper, her eyes still puffy and her face a mask.
I didn't want to do the talking, I wanted to drop it and forget this. "You're the love of my life Lila, I don't have any doubt about that anymore and I know that it's either you with me or no one else. We went through a lot lately and it got me thinking about how fundamental you are in my life. I wasn't planning on asking you anything, but all of a sudden I felt this...this thing. This urge, this desire. I think I'm ready for that." I paused, not even able to repeat my words again, I didn't want to. "But if you're not I understand. You're right, you're young, you still have your best years ahead of you and you don't want to give up on that. I'll respect that." And never bring this up again. I added in my head as I did my best not to show how deeply hurt I was.
Lila climbed into my lap, trying to lick my wounds but she just couldn't do it, she just couldn't. “I’m hurting you.” She whispered softly.
“It’s obvious.” I said quietly.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I’m so scared.” She admitted.
I looked up at her and wondered why she couldn't see how deep my love for her was. “Why? Don’t you know I love you? That I would do anything for you? For us?”
She nodded. “Yes.” She took a deep breath. “I’m going to be super honest with you, even if it makes you mad, even if you won’t be honest with me because I think it needs to happen.” I nodded slowly and she swallowed. “I’m sorry. So sorry for hurting you. I’m scared that you’re going to think I’m not enough for you now that this has happened and you’ll resent me forever. I’m scared of not being a good parent because I have no idea what that means for me. I’m scared of pregnancy itself, I can barely drive a car without freaking out. I'm not emotionally ready for this and I’m hurt that you didn’t think about that when you got so angry at me. I’m worried that if we do this it will always be your way or the highway and that I’ll resent you.” She swallowed again as she started crying again. “I’m worried that I’m too selfish to be a mother right now, that I won’t want to share you with anyone.” She paused and I listened, it was all I could do for now. “I can’t think of anything else right now, but when I do think of something I’m going to tell you because it’s important that we’re honest with each other. Even if you can’t be now.”
“Lila.” I sighed. I didn't want to talk.
“What do you want?” She asked and I blinked as she shook her head. “I mean what do you want right now? Do you want her to leave? Stay? You don’t want to talk or be with me but you won’t let me go.”
“I don’t want you to run away again." I admitted in a dark voice. At the end of the day, that was my biggest fear.
“I wasn’t going to run away. I just wanted to talk. I need to talk about this don’t you understand that? I have so many questions and honestly you’re shit at answering them. Maybe I’m being the bad guy here and I should be thrilled that you’re ready for this but I need more opinions than just you either yelling or shutting down. That’s not healthy Travis.”
“I’m not-“
She cupped my face and I stopped talking. “You are the best man I know.” She said seriously. “And I know plenty of good men. You are the love of my life and yes someday the father of my children. But is it so wrong for me to want time to ask questions? I know that Jax and Colbie just dove in but they’re lucky. It didn’t work as well with Nick and Will suffered.”
I was tempted to ask her if that was what she was afraid of, us not working as a couple, as parents. As depressing as it was it wasn't even the worst, which was the amount of things she was afraid of. Maybe it was because of her age, maybe it was because of her life and the things she had to go through indirectly and not. Did it even matter at this point? "I'm not that good of a man Lila, I know that." I said at first and wrapped my arms around her to pull her gently against my chest. Even if she was the reason I was so damn upset it all faded in the background when she was in this condition. "And mostly right now I know I'm not the best one to be around."
"So you want me to go?" She breathed out and tilted her head back to look at me, her eyes still full of terror.
"No, not really." I shook my head, rubbing her back slowly. "But if you want to go and find someone else to talk to...I won't stop you. As long as you promise me you'll come back."
"I want to be with you." She cuddled and made herself tiny against my chest, "I'm so scared Trav, aren't you scared?"
I stared at nothing in front of me as I wrapped my arms around her, thankful that she couldn't look into my eyes right now or she'd never feel better. "Of what? I can't think about anything I should be scared about." I answered quietly.
"Being a parent is hard." She pointed out.
"We already ruled that out and you already told me how terrifying that is in your mind." I went on, still moving my hands on her body to soothe her. I'd think about myself later. "I understand that."
"It's not possible that you're not afraid of anything." She breathed out, bending her legs and setting her feet on my thigh as she clasped my t-shirt, as if she was trying to get as close to me as possible.
I leaned back in the chair, enveloping her and closing my eyes. I was drained. I wanted to erase this day and just move on. "I'm afraid of losing you. That's my biggest fear and I had a taste of it when you got in that car crash." I swallowed and tightened my hold on her. "Even if right now we're not exactly on the same page I'd never leave you because of that. I'd never leave you for any reason."
"Would you promise?" She asked in a small voice.
I didn't think I need to promise. I wished she was more confident about us, but what could I do, we were how we were and there was no way of changing that. I was only now realizing that what had kept me restless for months had been the lack of perspective on a future I didn't even know I wanted. I was 33 for Christ's sake, it was about damn time I settled. But Lila was 25 and I couldn't expect that she was at my same point. I made fun of her plenty of times calling her a baby, only there was a bit of truth in that statement too. "I promise." I said and kissed the top of her head.
She grabbed her computer back. “Of course it’s good!” She grumbled. “And my laptop works fine I don’t need a new one every year.”
“I thought you were in a good mood.” I pointed out slowly.
“I like it better when you’re stripping.”
Travis laughed and pulled her into my lap. “We have that in common.”
She grinned and leaned down to kiss me, my hands running up her back and into her hair until she could barely breathe. That was the effect I wanted to have on her, always.
“Did you have a good day?” She asked against my lips and no matter how irrelevant that question could sound, I loved that she asked.
I nodded. “I got a lot done.” I ran my thumb across her thigh. “What about you? Did you get to therapy and back okay?”
She nodded. “I had to get in the car 15 minutes before I had to leave to convince myself to actually start the car, but once I was driving it was okay. My car drives super smooth.” She added, grinning. “Thank you for that.”
I grinned up at her, caressing her thighs. "Why are you thanking me for that I didn't make your car."
She rolled her eyes, smirk still in place though. "Not what I meant smartass. You bought me that car, remember?"
"Ah yeah." I pulled her closer to me, nuzzling her neck and inhaling her sweet scent. "I remember that now. You don't need to thank me though."
She cuddled against me, going completely limp in my hold. "I love my car."
"Damn right you do." I removed her from me gently and set her back on the empty spot next to me before I got up.
"Where are you going exactly?" She looked up at me and frowned.
"Nowhere, I'm just getting changed." I shot her an amused look, taking off my clothes. "How did therapy go?"
She shrugged, checking me out shamelessly and I let her. "It was okay. I think I'm almost all good now."
I got into a pair of sweats then joined her back into bed, no matter if it was still early and I needed to shower and eat, I wanted some time with my baby first. "You're a strong little thing." I smiled at her as I reached for her body once again, "And I'm proud of you starting driving alone again."
She beamed at me. "I'm proud of myself too." She said then frowned a little again as she broke eye contact to stare at my chest apparently. "But I don't know if I want to do that again next time. It was really stressful." She confessed, sounding so little and looking so fragile.
I knew the signs of the accident hadn't gone away completely like the bruises she had had on her porcelain skin, just like I knew I had to help her with her mental recover. I didn't want her to be scared of anything, but if she was, I'd always be there to protect her. "But you made it and that's what it counts. I'm sure next time will be better and it will take you less than 15 minutes to convince yourself to start the car."
"Maybe." She shrugged and closed her eyes.
"You know that if you want I'll drive you." I added cautiously, caressing her cheek carefully. "But I know that you can do that by yourself."
She let out a deep breath and I felt her relax against me. "I'm happy you're home." She whispered.
I kissed her forehead, her nose, then her lips. "I am too. I missed you." I confessed. I had become so used to stay home with her that now the 12 hours working in my office felt like forever. Home. This was my house, had been for years now, with Lila staying all day everyday now it it felt more home than it did before though.
"Don't get too clingy Mr Cole, it doesn't suit you." She peeked one eye open as her lips widened into a teasing smirk.
"I'm going to ignore what you just said." I grinned back at her as my hands traveled down to cup her ass and parts of me awakened. Like my dick. God knew how long it had been from the last time I had fucked her long and hard, just like I liked it, but after the accident she was in no physical condition to do pretty much anything and in all honestly I was too afraid to hurt her. We were doing other things, soft ones if you could call them that, and I was dying to bury myself inside of her again. The fact that I had been resisting and behaving for so long only proved how much I loved this young woman. "God I missed you. I miss you so damn much." I added in a growl, biting down on her neck and squeezing her fine ass into my hands. A man could still dream.
She got the memo even if my words were unspoken and wrapped her leg around my waist as a quiet moan escaped her. "I'm here and you can have me." She tangled her hands into my hair, "The doctor said I'm fine. I'm mostly healed...I miss you too Trav."
At those words I pulled my head back. "Really?" I asked slowly because I wanted to be sure it was one hundred percent safe for her.
She looked up into my eyes as she bit her lip. "Super really. The only thing is I'm still taking meds and I can't mix those with my pill so we should use a condom." She explained and didn't hide her enthusiasm.
"Fuck that shit I don't want to use a damn condom, I want to feel you." I growled, pressing her against me as hard as I could. Then stilled when I realized what I had just said. No condom no pill no anything meant yes risk. But was that really to be considered a risk? Weren't risks other things? Like getting into a car accident was a risk to your life, having a baby at 33 was pretty normal instead. Or at 25 in Lila's case.
"That will have to wait a little longer impatient man of mine." She chuckled, tangling her legs with mine. "For now a condom will do."
I stared at her and shook my head slowly, my heart expanding in my chest as if I was finally ready to love more. "Nope. I don't want to use a condom. I want to make a baby with you." I said quietly, the idea thrilling me as soon as the words left my mouth, completely unfiltered. After Karlie I thought I'd never be ready again. I was now and I hoped Lila was too.
She started laughing underneath me, her hands pulling at my sweatpants. “Yeah let’s do that.” She chuckled, stretching to press her mouth against my neck, more than impatient herself too.
“Lil.” I tilted her head up, grinning at her but using a soft tone.
“I swear I’m fine Trav you won’t break me. Now come on I bought condoms on the way home from the doctor so-“
“Lila.” I blinked at her, because she had no know I wasn't kidding, she knew how babies were a touchy subject for me after what had happened with my ex. “I was serious. I don’t want to use condoms with you.” I nuzzled my head into her neck.
“Well I don’t either baby but-“
“I want to have a baby with you.” I said it again and my voice was so serious that I was 100% percent sure she'd get the message.
She shook her head a couple of times and then looked back at me, looking down at her and waiting for her reaction. “That’s crazy Travis.” She said finally, voicing exactly what she was thinking.
“What’s crazy about it?” I questioned then started talking freely. It was easy. “We’re in love, we have good jobs, we-“
“No! Stop! You can’t spring parenthood on me out of the blue. Not liking birth control is not a good reason to have kids.”
“That’s not-“ I narrowed my eyes because that wasn't why. Okay condoms weren't my fave but did she really think I'd make a baby just to avoid them?
She growled and I honestly didn't know why she was being so annoyed. “If we’re not going to have completely protected sex right now? Get off of me so I can get some food.” She replied curtly.
I stared at her, my hands gripping her tight and not letting her go as my heart beat in my chest like a hammer. I felt it all, the anger, the disappointment, the hurt even, but it all went silenced by something else I knew a little too well. All my emotions closed off on theirselves, a cold fury lacing them all together and keeping them at bay. Nothing was going to happen on the outside, while I was exploding on the inside in a silent detonation. "Is that what you want?" I asked her in a voice that sounded so little like my own, too quiet and too flat to be normal.
She sighed and forced a small smile, I guessed she wasn't really getting how I was being. "Yes Trav, I want you and you only, nothing else." She said and with that she meant no babies.
I just nodded while I detached my body from my thoughts and feeling, my hands grasping her clothes to undress her as fast as I could, my eyes taking her glory nakedness in but never once meeting her stare. She was already moaning when I kissed her soft skin, exploring her chest, her stomach and her every inch of her that I already knew by memory.
"Your lips feel so good." She whispered, arching her back when my hips met hers and she ground them against me impatiently as I took one of her breasts into my mouth. "I missed this." She added and tangled her fingers with my hair.
I swallowed the lump I had in my throat and kept silent, instead I rocked against her, only groaning quietly as my brain went completely blank. I wanted to scream and ease the pang of betrayal I was feeling in my chest, only I didn't because I was too proud for that. I wasn't good when I got mad, I was really good at fucking girls instead.
She let go of my hair to use her hands to push my sweaters past my hips as my mouth moved to her neck to suck on her skin. "I want you so bad Trav." She let out another moan the moment my teeth sank into her flash.
I pulled back and turned my head, looking around the room, "Where are the condoms?" I asked in a low voice.
"First drawer." She breathed out and let out a disappointed moan when I got up.
I found the box and took out one of those damn condom, ripping the foil with my teeth before easing the condom onto my hard dick. It felt awful. I couln't even remember the last time I had used one, probably with some random girl before Lila. "Roll on your stomach." I told her hoarsely, climbing on the bed again.
She widened her eyes a little then smirked and did as told, spreading her legs too. "I'm so impatient." She moaned when I hovered over her, each of my hands going by the sides of her head while I adjusted myself between her legs.
Closing my eyes, I lowered my body enough for my hips to meet her ass, then rolled my hips forward to enter her in one swift thrust. My chest grew tighter and my head bowed down, my forehead barely touching her nape. "Lila." Was all I could say as she stretched around me, but it didn't compare to the other times, not even a bit.
Her hands closed, fisting the sheets as a loud moan escaped from her throat. "Oh my god." She stilled before relaxing again. "More Trav."
I obliged as asked, picking a steady pace as I fucked her, no sounds in the room but her moans and the crashing of our bodies together, my groans went swallowed along with my anger while I thrusted inside of her with a desperation that couldn't be soothed.
My hand landed against her ass with a sharp crack and her body arched and she called out.
“Travis…” She choked out and I was grateful I couldn't see her face right now. I didn't need to see her face, I just needed to get lost or I wouldn't survive.
“So damn tight…” I grumbled from above her, one hand reaching up to cup her breast, tug at her nipple while I shifted to hit that spot I knew made her lose her mind. She shook with the physical pleasure, but She needed more, needed the emotional connection that I’d never had with anyone but him.
“I love you.” She choked out. “I love you so much.” She moved her body with mine, finding that perfect synch. I grumbled and arched my hips. “Don’t use me like this…” She begged softly, her voice breaking just a little. Travis sunk my head into her neck, sinking my teeth into her shoulder.
Her words cut me like a knife. I wasn't being fair to her but she wasn't being fair to me wither. “You’re using me too.” I said into her skin.
“I don’t want us to ever be just about sex again Travis. I can’t go back there. It wasn’t enough.” She breathed out, having a hard time talking since I was pounding inside of her relenlessly.
“It’s not enough.” I agreed, reaching my hand down to press against her clit so perfectly that she came apart in a second, breaking in my arms, while I sped up and buried inside of her when I came but it was just so different, so depressing.
“Travis.” She whispered, her voice breathy as she shook her head. I didn't know why and I didn't want to know.
“Aren’t you hungry?” I said monotonously, pulling out of her and standing up to discard the condom before pulling my sweats back on and walking out of the room, not even waiting for her answer because I needed the distance. I walked back into the bedroom on a second thought, only to grab a t-shirt. "What do you want to eat?" I asked in the same monotone, not able to even look at her. What we had done, what I had done, had been awful. Awful. I thought that fucking her like that would ease some of my frustration, it had only made me feel worse instead. It was just sad, worst time I had been inside of her, ever.
"A sandwich." She answered quietly, "I'll make it myself."
"No." I spat and just walked out, heading downstairs and finally putting the physical distance I needed between Lila and I. It wasn't even enough, to be honest I wanted her out of my house, I couldn't look into her eyes, I didn't want to talk to her either, but at the same time I couldn't bear the thought of her alone at her place instead. Also I was perfectly aware that if I pushed her away, for real, there would be no turning back from there and no matter how fucking furious I was I didn't want that. Unless she didn't want babies ever. I hoped this wasn't the case or I'd be done with relationships for good. I survived Karlie, I couldn't survive Lila though. Was she too young? Was that the reason? I thought that we had made huge steps in the right direction lately, that the big scare of her accident had brought us even close, apparently I was wrong, since we were back to her fucking laughing in my face. The more I thought about it the angrier I got.
I shook my thoughts away, trying to focus on making a decent sandwich for Lila while considering what could make me feel better. A ride on my bike? No I was too nervous. A drink? Nope. I'd end up shit faced and I worked tomorrow. Going to the gym and punching a bag sounded good instead.
"What are you thinking?" Lila's voice broke the silence.
I hadn't even noticed she was there. I set the sandwich on a plate then grabbed her a glass and everything she could need before moving everything on the table. "I made you your favorite." I said instead, not answering to her and lighting a cigarette.
I felt her eyes on me but I ignored them, no matter how hard it was. I didn't want her to look into my eyes and read the hurt and disappointment. "Aren't you eating?" She tried again.
"I'm not hungry." I answered and stepped outside into the porch, knowing how she hated when I smoked. That, and I couldn't think about anything I could tell her to make this situation better. I needed to be alone and quiet.
After a bunch of minutes she walked out to the porch, not giving me what I needed once again. “Will you share?” Lila asked softly.
I didn’t even turn. “You don’t smoke.”
She reached for my cigarettes and lighter, grabbing one and lighting it before setting it against her lips. “I think I need one.” She replied. We stood there, not talking. I knew she wanted to like I knew she knew I didn't want to. Any other moment I'd tell her not to smoke, but right now I just wanted to be alone.
“Travis.” She said finally, breaking the silence.
“Lila, not now.” I warned her.
“Yes now.” She replied, firmly but still soft.
“Lil.” I growled again.
“Listen.” She said, her voice cracking and tears filling her eyes. Oh for fuck's sake. “Either we talk or I’m leaving because I need to talk to someone and I want it to be you. You’re my partner Travis. Nothing is more important to me than you.”
“But you don’t want to have her baby.” I said curtly, because that was the truth.
She swallowed and ran her hand through her hair. “I didn’t think you were serious!” She said like the idiot she wasn't.
I turned on her, fury and pain laced in my voice. “Why in the fuck would I joke about something like THAT!?” I asked.
“I’m sorry Travis, you just sprung it on her and I wasn’t thinking I was just…” She trailed off lamely, she didn't have anything right to say, so that was why I wanted her to say nothing at all.
“Just thinking about sex?! Even though you want more than that right?” I growled.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “If you were so angry with me or so serious why the hell did you do it?! Why didn’t you talk to me why didn’t you tell me you were upset!?”
“You knew it Lila!!!” I raised my voice, I couldn't help it. It wasn't like we had started dating yesterday, she knew me, everything about me.
She shook her head and ran her hands through her hair once again. “How can you just decide you want a baby?! We’re still so young….we’re so new.”
“New? We’ve been together for years!” I replied the obvious. “And not so young either.”
“Travis there is so much more we have to do before we’re ready to start a family!” She retorted. “And bringing it up like that….”
“It wasn’t out of nowhere!” I yelled.
“I’m sure it wasn’t in your own head but I can’t read your mind!!! God Travis please stop yelling, stop being angry, if you’re serious about this….explain it to me!! TALK to me!!!! Because if it’s really what you want then we have to start being better at this!” She said, motioning between us.
“You LAUGHED Lila.” I almost spit the words in her face. “Laughed!!”
She sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that was my first reaction but for me it did come out of nowhere!!!! I mean fuck Travis we don’t even LIVE together, we still lead relatively separate lives…are you sure you want to give all that up?”
"Give up what?!" I spat back and my tone was still pretty high, I couldn't help it. If she wanted to talk, this was what she was going to get. "And what the fuck do you mean with relatively separate lives?! GOD do you even hear yourself?"
She shook her head as she shut her eyes tight, "Travis stop yelling!" She pleaded, her voice pained and I didn't even care. For once I had no faults.
I smashed the butt of my cigarette into the ashtray, tempted to grab it and threw against something, anything. "Even if I do it doesn't change what I'm saying." I spat, not even trying to control my voice.
"If you don't stop I'm leaving." She said quietly.
I just stared at her, waiting for her to grow the balls to open her eyes and say that again while she looked at me. "What did you just say?" I asked darkly.
She swallowed then finally opened her eyes, "I don't want to fight you. If you want to fight me...I can't do it. I have to leave."
"If you leave now, I swear to God Lila, you're going to regret this." I said between clenched teeth, taking a step closer to her as I bore my eyes into hers. I was absolutely sure that if she tried running like she had done in the past? I wouldn't go after her. Not again.
"Then don't fight me." She breathed out as she took a step back, as if she was almost scared of me. I kept quiet for a moment, so many thoughts inside my head that I was having a hard time keeping track of them all. "You didn't answer me." She added in a whisper.
I let out a bitter laugh, "Answer to what? Your stupid question about giving up on things I should give up?" I ran a hand through my hair and the pain I felt into my chest was so acute I had to break eye contact. "You're just full of shit Lila." I muttered.
"What?" She looked at me as if I had just slapped her in the face.
"I'd give up everything for you, imagine what I'd give up for a son or a daughter. I'm full of flaws and I know it but when it comes to sacrifice I'm real good. Didn't I stay home with you for damn weeks after your accident? Did I even complain about that?" I asked even though, really, it wasn't a question. "And what exactly I should give up if we had a kid?"
She listened to me carefully and in all honestly she looked terrified. "We don't even live together, we wouldn't have our independence." She said weakly. Because it was weak.
"Oh really. We don't live together." I retorted flatly, raising one eyebrow, my anger only getting worse as I went on even if my voice was lower than before. "Where did you live for the last three months Lila? Because if I remember it right you were in my house, in my bed, every day. Always. And we still managed to be independent even if you could't even get up from the fucking bed! I went out of my own house to let you have time with your family and even friends when you needed it! I don't care if I won't be able to go out every weekend because I have a baby to take care for, everyone's around us is moving on so that's bound to happen anyway! How can't you see that our lives are already tied together so tightly, fuck!" I was mad again, cursing and punching the wall because I felt as if I was going insane. Had I imagined all that? I had never put too much thought into the changes of my life lately but now that I stopped to analize it it was so clear. Maybe Lila didn't want that, maybe she really was too young.
“My god look how angry you are!” Lila exclaimed, shaking her head. “Did I do this? You look like you want to throw something, hit something. How could you be so mad at me for having doubts about something that would change our entire lives?” She asked softly.
I just glared at her. “Having doubts about us.” I corrected.
“No!! Travis having a child is something that MARRIED COUPLES even have to discuss before they jump into it! And yes I’ve lived here for months and yes you’ve taken care of me and yes of COURSE I think you would drop everything if we had a baby. But I don’t know if I’m ready!” She paused as tears ran down her face, "I don’t know if I’m ready to change who we are, I don’t know if I’d be any good at it, and yes I don’t know if WE are ready. I DO have doubts. I’m sorry that makes you so mad but I can’t change how I feel. You might have had this in your mind for a while but not me! This is HUGE how can you not see that!!”
“If you don’t want kids-“ I started after processing her words.
“I don’t know!!!!” She exclaimed. “I mean yes….yes I want a family and yes I know you’re the one I want to be the father of my children but I’m only 25! I have a career that’s just picking up and we both know that you’re going to get a job offer in New York any day now.”
“This is all bullshit Lila! Jax just started a new company and Colbie runs her own business and has a teenage son and they’re raising Ruby!” I retorted because bringing up work as an excuse was just that, an excuse.
“THEY HAD NO CHOICE!!! I’m not saying that we CAN’T do it!” She went on, set on being right as usual. “You’re talking about making a choice to change both of our lives and you’re furious that I want to think about it?!”
“You’re not thinking about it Lila you just laughed!!!!” I yelled again.
“If this is how angry you get at me for this?! How about when our son laughs at you when you ground him? Or what happens if our daughter gets drunk at a party or one of them gets suspended? Are you going to treat them like you’re treating me now?! If I’m the person you want to have your children do you think yelling at me is the right way to do it?”
Now, that was low. She had seen me around kids, around my niece and nephew, I was a man that when got angry got realy angry, but I was good with kids. She knew that. "If you don’t want this there’s nothing I can say to change your mind.”
The tears fell harder down her face and she wiped her eyes. “I have to go.” She said.
“Don’t you dare.” I warned her.
“I need to talk to someone who won’t make me feel worse!!!! I need to feel loved!!!!” She screamed at me.
"And you don't feel loved?! Don't I love you enough?!" I screamed back at her, my voice matching her as I bored my flaming eyes into hers, our faces just inches apart as I fisted my hands. "Fuck Lila I love you more than my own life!!!!"
"Then why are you attacking me like this?!" She yelled then a loud sob escaped her throat and she covered her face, crying more desperately than before.
"Because you don't understand!" I told her, running my hands through my hair.
"I can't stay here. I have to go." She chocked out as she tried to control the tears that were still streaming down her face and reddening her gorgeous eyes.
I looked at her a moment. "If you go away now..." I trailed off but I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. The thought alone killed me. I couldn't say it out loud because it wouldn't be fair. I was really afraid that if she went away I wouldn't find the strength to get her back.
"What? What will you do? Get even more mad than you already are? Why should I stay?" She asked, her voice coming out with sighs as her whole body trembled and her chest heaved up and down fast.
I swallowed, trying to calm myself as much as I could even though if I knew that once I killed the anger I'd have to deal with something worse. Hurt. "Because this is where you belong. Here, with me." I said and pointed to my house.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, "You don't even want to talk to me. Talk for real, without yelling." She choked on her words.
"So what you're going to run? Again?" I asked her and this time my voice was calm, for real. I was freaking out on the inside. I didn't want to lose her.
"Not if you give me another choice, not if you stop being so mad a moment and try to understand me." She said back, biting down on her lip and torturing it.
I fought the urge to touch her, because I had to preserve myself. "You should try to understand me too." I said lowly then shook my head. Fuck that, I didn't even want to be understood. What was the point really when she had voiced her opinion loud and clear. "Get inside, please."
"I know you're still mad." She whispered but followed me back into my living room, thank god. "I just want to talk Trav."
I slumped on a chair, my eyes following her as she sat down on the couch, the distance between us killing me. "Talk. I'm listening." I said simply.
She sucked in a breath, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. "I want to know what you're thinking, why you asked me that...where all this came from." She managed to say in a barely audible whisper, her eyes still puffy and her face a mask.
I didn't want to do the talking, I wanted to drop it and forget this. "You're the love of my life Lila, I don't have any doubt about that anymore and I know that it's either you with me or no one else. We went through a lot lately and it got me thinking about how fundamental you are in my life. I wasn't planning on asking you anything, but all of a sudden I felt this...this thing. This urge, this desire. I think I'm ready for that." I paused, not even able to repeat my words again, I didn't want to. "But if you're not I understand. You're right, you're young, you still have your best years ahead of you and you don't want to give up on that. I'll respect that." And never bring this up again. I added in my head as I did my best not to show how deeply hurt I was.
Lila climbed into my lap, trying to lick my wounds but she just couldn't do it, she just couldn't. “I’m hurting you.” She whispered softly.
“It’s obvious.” I said quietly.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I’m so scared.” She admitted.
I looked up at her and wondered why she couldn't see how deep my love for her was. “Why? Don’t you know I love you? That I would do anything for you? For us?”
She nodded. “Yes.” She took a deep breath. “I’m going to be super honest with you, even if it makes you mad, even if you won’t be honest with me because I think it needs to happen.” I nodded slowly and she swallowed. “I’m sorry. So sorry for hurting you. I’m scared that you’re going to think I’m not enough for you now that this has happened and you’ll resent me forever. I’m scared of not being a good parent because I have no idea what that means for me. I’m scared of pregnancy itself, I can barely drive a car without freaking out. I'm not emotionally ready for this and I’m hurt that you didn’t think about that when you got so angry at me. I’m worried that if we do this it will always be your way or the highway and that I’ll resent you.” She swallowed again as she started crying again. “I’m worried that I’m too selfish to be a mother right now, that I won’t want to share you with anyone.” She paused and I listened, it was all I could do for now. “I can’t think of anything else right now, but when I do think of something I’m going to tell you because it’s important that we’re honest with each other. Even if you can’t be now.”
“Lila.” I sighed. I didn't want to talk.
“What do you want?” She asked and I blinked as she shook her head. “I mean what do you want right now? Do you want her to leave? Stay? You don’t want to talk or be with me but you won’t let me go.”
“I don’t want you to run away again." I admitted in a dark voice. At the end of the day, that was my biggest fear.
“I wasn’t going to run away. I just wanted to talk. I need to talk about this don’t you understand that? I have so many questions and honestly you’re shit at answering them. Maybe I’m being the bad guy here and I should be thrilled that you’re ready for this but I need more opinions than just you either yelling or shutting down. That’s not healthy Travis.”
“I’m not-“
She cupped my face and I stopped talking. “You are the best man I know.” She said seriously. “And I know plenty of good men. You are the love of my life and yes someday the father of my children. But is it so wrong for me to want time to ask questions? I know that Jax and Colbie just dove in but they’re lucky. It didn’t work as well with Nick and Will suffered.”
I was tempted to ask her if that was what she was afraid of, us not working as a couple, as parents. As depressing as it was it wasn't even the worst, which was the amount of things she was afraid of. Maybe it was because of her age, maybe it was because of her life and the things she had to go through indirectly and not. Did it even matter at this point? "I'm not that good of a man Lila, I know that." I said at first and wrapped my arms around her to pull her gently against my chest. Even if she was the reason I was so damn upset it all faded in the background when she was in this condition. "And mostly right now I know I'm not the best one to be around."
"So you want me to go?" She breathed out and tilted her head back to look at me, her eyes still full of terror.
"No, not really." I shook my head, rubbing her back slowly. "But if you want to go and find someone else to talk to...I won't stop you. As long as you promise me you'll come back."
"I want to be with you." She cuddled and made herself tiny against my chest, "I'm so scared Trav, aren't you scared?"
I stared at nothing in front of me as I wrapped my arms around her, thankful that she couldn't look into my eyes right now or she'd never feel better. "Of what? I can't think about anything I should be scared about." I answered quietly.
"Being a parent is hard." She pointed out.
"We already ruled that out and you already told me how terrifying that is in your mind." I went on, still moving my hands on her body to soothe her. I'd think about myself later. "I understand that."
"It's not possible that you're not afraid of anything." She breathed out, bending her legs and setting her feet on my thigh as she clasped my t-shirt, as if she was trying to get as close to me as possible.
I leaned back in the chair, enveloping her and closing my eyes. I was drained. I wanted to erase this day and just move on. "I'm afraid of losing you. That's my biggest fear and I had a taste of it when you got in that car crash." I swallowed and tightened my hold on her. "Even if right now we're not exactly on the same page I'd never leave you because of that. I'd never leave you for any reason."
"Would you promise?" She asked in a small voice.
I didn't think I need to promise. I wished she was more confident about us, but what could I do, we were how we were and there was no way of changing that. I was only now realizing that what had kept me restless for months had been the lack of perspective on a future I didn't even know I wanted. I was 33 for Christ's sake, it was about damn time I settled. But Lila was 25 and I couldn't expect that she was at my same point. I made fun of her plenty of times calling her a baby, only there was a bit of truth in that statement too. "I promise." I said and kissed the top of her head.
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